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browneyedgirl36

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browneyedgirl36 last won the day on March 30 2013

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  1. I concur with both of the above replies; since you didn't really know this guy and never even actually spoke to him, you have to consider it more as "I was 'talking' to a guy online and he just stopped talking" -- NOT as the end of a relationship or as a rejection of you personally. That's part of what is exacerbating your anxiety and depression -- the idea this is somehow about YOU and something you did wrong. It's not. My guess is that this guy is either married or in a relationship; there are ways you can check into this by searching his first and last name online (if, in fact, he's given you his real name). I once had an ex contact me again after nearly a decade, and a simple online search brought up enough information to let me know he was married (or at least that he had been only a few months prior to contacting me), and I shut him down immediately when I questioned him about it and he lied. (I saw pics of him and his wife on vacation, a bulletin from their church naming them as donors to the church fund, etc.!) I'm not sure there's a point in you searching for this guy's marital/relationship status online, though, as you haven't heard from him in awhile and it looks like he's disappeared. Both Batya33 and Andrina have great advice for you: You need to focus your mind/life on other things -- exercise, hobbies, things to keep your mind focused on YOU and NOT on some guy who disappeared on you. I remember a therapist once telling me that I was so hung up on an ex because "You don't have enough going on in your life." At first, I was a bit offended, but then I realized...she was right. I was focusing so heavily on him because I really didn't have enough going on! So...I started having more going on -- exercise, hanging out with friends, joining groups, focusing more on my work, etc. It helped tremendously. Just exercising really helped, and it's still something that helps keep me focused when life is stressful. I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of us have felt "ghosted" at one time or another, but as you weren't really in a relationship with this guy -- or even dating him technically -- try not to think of it as "ghosting" but more as you were texting with someone who just stopped texting. If you frame it that way in your mind, rather than as someone dumping/rejecting you in some way (and again, he can't reject you or dump you if you weren't really dating to begin with) it will start to feel better. Hang in there.
  2. Yep. In regard to the to the bolded part: I was followed, while walking in my neighborhood, by some guys in a car when I was TEN. The driver, a guy I recognized as living in the neighborhood (at that time he was a teenager, maybe 18 or 19 -- I'm not sure, but he was old enough to drive) rolled down the window and called out to me to "come over here." For a half second, I was going to -- I mean, I was in my neighborhood, very close to my house ( I could, in fact, see my house from where I was), and this was a guy I recognized. so...no big deal right? He wasn't technically a stranger, and...I was taught to be polite. Maybe he just wants to ask me something -- like where someone's house is, I thought. I took a step or two toward the car and then, a voice in my head (which I would later learn was my intuition), told me "NO. Don't go over there!" and I turned and walked VERY briskly home, him and his buddies yelling at me out the window of the car as I walked away. The guy lived in the neighborhood. It was a really small neighborhood - literally six streets. He wasn't lost. Maybe he was just goofing around -- I don't know -- but forty years later, I STILL know I did the right thing in walking away. This is just one example -- the first of MANY I can recall in my life. I could probably tell at least 100 more stories here, from the mildly annoying (catcalling, being aggressively approached when I'm just going about my business) to the terrifying (being followed at night, being in a situation at a party where I ended up in a room alone with a guy who did not have good intentions, etc.) but I don't want to derail the thread. (And, sorry if I have already; I feel VERY strongly about this -- about people, but especially women, paying attention to their intuition. It has saved me from some potentially awful and possibly dangerous situations many times in my life.) My point is this: If you feel uncomfortable, pay attention to that feeling. Women are so often told we're "paranoid" or "living in fear" when all we're doing is looking out for ourselves. Any guy worth dating, for me, would wait until I was comfortable coming to his house (which my now-husband was). I highly recommend a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, a world-renowned security expert. I recommend it for everyone -- not just women -- but I think women can especially benefit from it as it deals with some of what we've been talking about here.
  3. This. All of it. I really feel like I need to comment on this. I don't date anymore, because I'm married now, but I was pretty cautious back when I did. I didn't live in fear of serial killers or anything, and I certainly didn't think every guy was a rapist, but...there's something to be said for being careful, and with all due respect to some of the men posting here, you really, really, really have no idea what it's like being a woman. I have a list of things I don't do by myself at night (I live in a fairly big city, and while crime isn't out of control, it's still an issue): Go to a gas station. Go to a bank ATM. Go to certain stores in certain areas of town. Park in parking garages. Go walking or running along the river. Why? Because I've attempted to do ALL of these things in the past and been harassed in some way -- approached aggressively, catcalled, even followed. (I was even once followed at my workplace when leaving my office after an evening class -- a guy was following me, calling out to me very aggressively to stop and talk to him. Fortunately, my car was nearby; I simply ignored him and kept walking briskly to my car, and I made it there before he could catch up to me.) And, a number of these types of things have happened to me in the daytime as well. This is just being out and about in the world -- NOT going to a stranger's home. My husband? He has no such list. He doesn't need one. He can go to a local gas station at night and not even think about some guy trying to jump in his car with him. (Not saying it couldn't happen, just that it's so unlikely he doesn't even have to consider the possibility.) Like I said, I don't walk around in fear of rapists and killers, but that doesn't mean I'm going to the home of some stranger I just met on the Internet, and if a guy doesn't understand that, then we're not a good match. I think sticking to dates outside of home for now, even during a pandemic, is best. Walks, hikes, picnics, etc. are all things that can be done. Even watching a movie together online -- via Zoom or some other platform -- could be fun. I'm sure I can think of tons more things. I've even been to parties on Zoom during the pandemic, and they were a lot of fun. I'm glad the guy got in touch, and I hope all goes well!
  4. A lot of men don't wear wedding rings, so don't ever take that as a sign. (My husband wears one, but my dad never has, and many of my married male colleagues don't.) It sounds like he's either still with his wife OR they've had a very recent split. Either way, steer clear of this guy. I'd say it's likely he's not available for a relationship. Edited to add: A lot of men don't wear wedding rings for a variety of reasons, including: 1) They're trying to appear single, and they know that's a sign women look for; 2) They don't like jewelry and just don't wear it; 3) They have occupations in which wearing rings can be bothersome or even dangerous (e.g. my dad worked with heavy machinery for years and just stopped wearing his because he could have been seriously injured if his ring got caught in something.) To name just a few. In the case of this guy, it seems like he's trying to appear single.
  5. You're not stupid at all -- you have some good boundaries, but you just need to learn to exercise them a bit more confidently AND to be able to accept that a guy may want something different than what you want and be able to just let it go if that's the case. There's no need for a whole bunch of explanation -- just keep it short and sweet: Let the guy know that you're interested and want to get to know him better, but that you aren't going to meet at his home (or yours) right away, and if that's OK with him, then great, you can plan a date, and if it's not OK, then no hard feelings, and you move on. I once dated a guy who, on the 5th or 6th date, convinced me to let him come to my house for dinner. I was hesitant to have him over because I wasn't ready to sleep with him, and I knew I wasn't going to that night, but I didn't come out and say any of this (I was much younger then, and I wasn't nearly as assertive as I am now.) Sure enough, he expected something, and when it didn't happen (we fell asleep on the couch, fully clothed, after watching a movie) he broke things off with me in an e-mail a couple days later indicating that he wasn't "ready for a relationship.") I was upset, for quite awhile, but...it was a good thing because it taught me to be more assertive. If I had been more assertive in telling him I wasn't ready for a sleepover, he might have still have broken things off with me, but at least I would have known that I was being upfront and that there was no mis-communication. He was absolutely NOT the right guy for me anyway (though he did pop up nearly a decade later, wanting to date me again -- that's a story for another post!) and I learned a lot of valuable stuff from my experience with him. Take this as a learning experience, if you can. It's disappointing, but it's an opportunity to think about what to do differently next time.
  6. I think it's very possible he was interested in sex, hence inviting you to his place when there really is no need for it this early on, but I also think there's a very real possibility that you over-explained, provided too many justifications for not being alone with him, and he may very well have been overwhelmed by it (especially as you two don't know each other well yet) and/or he may have felt like you were accusing him of something. (It's also perfectly OK for him to want sex on the third date -- it doesn't make him a terrible person -- but he has to understand that you are in no way obligated to do it, too. And, if he isn't OK with you not being ready for that, he's probably not the guy for you. Especially during a pandemic -- yikes!) I think it's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want to go to his place so early on -- I wouldn't have either -- and it's perfectly OK to say so, but keeping it brief, concise, and to-the-point is always best: "I'd like to see you, but I'd rather meet at [insert name of place here]" or "I'd like to see you, but I'd like to get to know you better before meeting at your home. Can we meet at [insert name of place here] instead?" If you put it that way and he refuses, argues, or tries to manipulate/guilt trip you into changing your mind, he's not the guy for you. You may not hear from him again, and I know that thought is disappointing, but...maybe you just aren't on the same "page," and that's OK. Most people we meet are not a good match for us. Dating is about finding someone who is, and it may take awhile. Hang in there!
  7. Exactly. I have told a couple of friends pretty much this same thing when they struggled with wondering what was going on with an ex or a guy they were interested in who wasn't sending clear signals that he wanted to be with them: It's either something, or it's nothing. You're either together, or you're not. Anything that's not "yes" is "no." This has always been true from my experience and the experiences of my friends and others I know. And, If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer but just don't want to believe it.
  8. I understand the urge to want to keep in contact. It's a totally normal, human thing. You think that by keeping contact MAYBE you can turn it around -- that maybe he'll see what he's lost and want it back. But...you're torturing yourself by keeping contact with him, which just keeps you hanging on while he's...moving on. I've been through this myself a few times, and in one case, I hung on for *gulp* a few years because the guy kept in contact with me and wouldn't just tell me to give up. (He finally did, which prompted me to do so, but UGH...I wish it hadn't had to come to that! Hearing him say "You need to move on!" was brutal!) Letting go is hard, but -- and I say this from a place of significant experience -- hanging on is even harder when the other person just isn't in it anymore. The best, healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to cut contact and move forward without him. If, someday, he wants you back, he'll let you know, but...you can't count on that or wait for it. You have to live your life, for YOU. And, chances are, if he ever does want to re-visit things between you, you will have already happily moved on -- either with or without someone else -- and won't want anything to do with him anymore. (This has happened to me a few times, and it's quite satisfying, I must say!) I think you did the right thing in saying 'no' to meeting up with him. At this point, there isn't anything to talk about. As I said, if he realizes he wants to be with you that badly, he'll likely contact you to let you know. Everything else is just noise, and you don't need that. Hang in there.
  9. As a huge, huge cat lover (currently have one of my three sitting on my chair with me as I write this) I'm horribly biased here, I know, but...I wouldn't move in with him if a condition of moving in was getting rid of my cats. And, I'd be a bit wary of being with a guy who would even suggest it, but you know him, I don't, so...only you can decide whether he's a good guy otherwise. (Note: If he "hates" cats, I'd give him the boot post haste --no room for cat haters in my house OR life.) Giving them to family is "a" solution, but...is it really what you want? If you want to be with the guy AND keep your cats, you should probably agree to not move in together. I'd consider, though, whether a "great guy" would ask you to get rid of your pets. I mean, you've had them way longer than you've had him, and...he's known you've had them this whole time. Yes, cats can be destructive -- my living room carpet and one of my couches are evidence of this -- but...I feel like it's just what I signed on for when I got cats, and material stuff can be fixed/replaced. I think this would be a dealbreaker for me.
  10. Yes! I had so many "a-ha" moments. It was the most significant learning experience of my life, dealing with that ex (and I'm 50 now, so that's saying a lot!) I was only able to meet my now-husband after I'd not only completely given up on a relationship with my ex, but also after I'd completely changed my thinking about love, relationships, and...myself. There was a reason I was on that rollercoaster for so long, and it wasn't because my ex was some wonderful guy who was worth all that suffering (quite the opposite, actually -- not worth it at all!) but because I had convinced myself I couldn't do better -- that I didn't deserve better, perhaps. And, as you've said here, I think I was addicted in a sense to trying to "win" my ex over (especially as there was another woman, his previous off-and-on ex, hovering in the background the whole time). In short, I had issues, and that relationship just put them into sharp focus for me. It took a ton of emotional work, but I got past it, met a few other guys that didn't work out, and then...out of nowhere, a friend introduced me to my now-husband. By that time, I was not only "over" my ex, but had also worked through the issues that kept me tied to him in the first place. Now, I have no idea where he is, what he's doing, etc. -- and that's fine with me. There was a time I couldn't go five minutes without thinking of him. What a change. To the original poster: Trust me when I say this guy isn't worth what you're going through. Whenever I encounter someone in a situation like yours, I ask them to ask themselves this question, and to give themselves a totally honest answer: Why do I think I don't deserve better than this? EDITED TO ADD: There's a quote I love (I think it's at the bottom of my post as my "signature line," but I'm not sure, so I'll add it here. It's from a self-help book by Guy Finley: "You cannot be directed to decide against yourself without first being deceived into thinking that what hurts you can also help you." So true.
  11. I may be repeating what others have said (apologies if this is the case as I haven't read every post.) I have a tremendous amount of experience with nearly the exact situation; please believe me when I say this: It's not going to change. For the better, anyway. If it changes at all, it will only get worse. I spent 6 years bending over backward to "win" the love of a guy who was sometimes lovely, sometimes horrible (and even when he was "lovely" he was still, in hindsight, not all that great, and his "lovely" times were much less frequent than his horrible ones.) I did everything I could -- yep, even baking him cookies, taking care of him when he was sick, doing all sorts of kind things for him, totally putting myself out a lot of the time, etc. -- and he was still talking to his ex (and probably others) and being very hot-and-cold with me. A friend asked me why I kept going back for more, and my answer was, "When he's really into me, it's like I'm the best thing in the world to him. Until I'm not again, and then I just want that feeling back, so I keep trying." Ugh. Truth be told, I had a lot of my own issues that caused me to continue to do a trained seal act for a guy who was barely paying attention half the time. It took a couple of years to move past it, but once I did, I met my now husband, a guy who ALWAYS treats me like I matter to him -- every day, consistently. What a relief to never have to wonder how a guy feels about me! (Or, if he feels anything about me at all!) Here's the thing: No one should ever get into a relationship based on "potential" -- "well, he COULD be a really great guy, if only..." or "The relationship is sometimes great, but sometimes not -- I know I can make it great all the time if I just put a ton of effort into it!" etc. People, unlike houses, aren't "fixer-uppers." You have to either accept them "as is" or pass on them. They are who they are. Can people change? Yes, they can change some behaviors, habits, etc., but...I don't believe most people can change who they fundamentally are. From a third party, objective perspective here: If you're having to talk yourself into sticking with this guy, you shouldn't be with him at all. And, from where I'm sitting, you're definitely talking yourself into it. The thing is, you can come up with a million reasons to keep giving him chances, but ultimately, he is who he is, and that's not likely to change. I hope you'll listen to the great advice people have been giving you here.
  12. I see your point, but...there are a lot of people who DO associate missing/broken/otherwise "bad" teeth with drug use, being "low class," etc. I have heard/seen a lot of "hillbilly" and "meth head" jokes about people with less-than-perfect teeth, and I remember when my mom had lost a couple of teeth (and put off getting them fixed because of severe anxiety about having a major procedure), she NEVER smiled because she knew people would ask "What happened to your teeth?" and people actually did. I 've had students who dealt with this as well. I'm not generalizing that all Americans think this about teeth -- of course they don't -- but it's prevalent enough that a lot of people are very self-conscious about it. That said, I agree with you about the sister. Yikes. Reading stuff like this makes me very grateful for my sister!
  13. If you're certain they won't say anything to her face, I would leave it alone unless/until they bring it up with you afterward. If/When they do, shut it down immediately by saying something like "I'd appreciate it if you kept your judgements about [insert name here]'s appearance to yourself. It is not your business, and I am not going to discuss it with you. Please respect my wishes" and leave it at that. I had to do something similar a few years ago -- but I did it pre-emptively -- when some family members with VERY divergent political views were coming to Thanksgiving dinner. My parents (very staunchly on one side of the political spectrum) and my brother-in-law (very staunchly on the other side) both have difficulty NOT stirring things up (my parents because they can be a bit clueless about some things and my bro-in-law because he likes trolling people, for some reason). It was just after the 2016 election, and I informed them all, in advance, that I didn't want to hear ANY of it -- I didn't want any of them bringing up the election or talking about politics AT ALL in my house. They all agreed. One of them did end up bringing it up in passing, once, and I said, calmly but firmly, "We're not talking about this today," and we changed the subject. Being firm -- shutting them down immediately when they say something - is the best way to go in my opinion. Setting boundaries is crucial, and telling your mom and sister you're not discussing/don't want to hear anything about it as soon as they bring it up is probably your best bet.
  14. It sounds like he got quite "triggered" (for lack of a better word) by getting kicked out of a Facebook group (which definitely says a lot about his maturity level right there), and that's pretty much the impetus for this whole thing. He's being ridiculous, and any lawyer worth anything wouldn't entertain his nonsense for even one second, let alone represent him in suing you. You've got nothing to worry about. While I have no doubt he DID say he was planning to sue you, I doubt he'll do it, and even if he tries, he has little to no chance of success.
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