Robert Smith

I think that what the poster is saying is that .. it is first a matter of attraction that needs to happen "before" anything else can progress. If there is not some what of an attaction factor the couple will never get to discover who each other really is. Does that make sense? Now there are some cases where looks are not that important, but you must admit, you want to be attracted to the person your with at some level, at the fist level is physical.

Did you always feel this way or was it a graduual shift in the relationship? When you "fell out of love" did you still care for them as a person, but just realize that you were (2) dfferent people? Did you have any kids, and if not would that have changed your actions? I am interested beacuse I am at the same place in my life, or so I believe I am and need some insight.

Ok, I agree is takes action by both parties to keep the love alive. Was there ever a time where you felt that you were numb to the whole situation? Maybe it's beacuse you had allot of difficult times in the past, maybe you find that as the relationship and years go by that you (2) have grown apart, (because of the kids, etc.) maybe you are looking at a mid-life crises that says to you "what the heck am I doing with my life". As other people in this forum read this I need to know how you figured it all out.

Can somone please tell me what it feels like to fall out of love with someone. I can't quite figure it out. Can you bring the love back to the relationship?

Filled you soul. Now that is a tough thing to loose. I commend you on your efforts and pray that this is the right decesion.

I know exactly what you are talking about. Is this really abuse? My wife and I follow the exact same pattern, we have been doing it for over 19 years. I told her yesterday that we need to fix this "conflict reolution" problem or we will hurt the ones we love the most, the kids. That being said, it puts me on the edge of moving out everytime. Hang in there, it's tough.

How important is emotional and physical passion in maintaining a healthy partnerhip or marrige?

Excuse the spelling - not spellchecker. I know exactly how you feel. This is way beyond what I wanted and it is making my life difficult.. How do you stand not being with the women you love? We have a history of fighting and arguing, even when we were dating. I am very social and like to go and she is more of a stay at home type. (She mentioned in therphy that she never trusted me althoough I never did anything) We had 12 years of finanical problems so we never focused on the relationship. I didn't realize that I needed affection, appreciation, some level of approval as a husband and father, more effective communication, sex more often, plus a few other things. This is not saying she is bad, just what I did not get from her. That is when the other women came into the picture. She was very affectionate towards me, gave me a very warm feeling, and liked sex allot. Now don't think that was the driver because it was not. My wife also believed since day one that I was 80% responsible for all of our marriage problems. She can be critical and contemputus. I don't know if I just did not see it or what. Now I am far from perfect but I "think and feel" I need a different kind of relationship. What the hell is going on with me? How did you find out what you needed in your life? And what was the affair partner providing that you were not getting at home? Everything I read says stay together, buts that's not how I feel and I am "stuck" unable to make a decesion. Maybe this other women will never work out, but I still think I need somthing different. I don't believe my wife will ever change without extensive therphy and she does not think she needs it.

Yes I am going through therapy right now. My therapist told me to wait at least another 3 months before I make any decesions. (I have been in Therapy for (2) months.) The question for me is why don't I want to try with my wife, do I think that she will never change and I will never get what I need or ??? Am I selfish as a person to want this other women. You want to hear a somthing strange? She told me before we got physical that she had an STD. I did allot of reseach before I moved forward with the physical side but I cannot understand why I continued. (By the way I have not slept with my wife since I have slept with her and won't until I get tested) Any other man would have walked away, but I was to emotionally involved at that point. I must be nuts.

LR, A couple more questions/observations. We don't fall in love every day. Because we are married we, didn't/don't look for it. When it happens I have to ask myself why. Why did I fall in love with this person? What was I missing in my marriage, and can I get it from my spouse. And the real tuff question is do I want to? And if I don't, why not? In my case, did I really want to be free and this happened because of it? How did you feel about this? What made you want to work it out? Did you rely on the holy spirt to guide you? Did you ever think you could be happier with someone else besides your current husband? (The affair asside) I know I have. Women tend to be more emotional, ,(sorry not sterotyping) and men more logical. How did your affair partner take it? Was it easier for him to walk away? I am looking for as much info as you are willing to share. Thanks ...

LR, Thank you so much for your insight. Yes I know what you mean about looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear. I even look at the articles that say that people who left there current spouce and are now happier then they were before. The other thing I ask myself is; with the 50% divorce rate am I just one of thoes statistics? Are we just incompatible as a couple? It's just very difficult to see. Is your husband able to communicate with you? Can you both sit down and talk without hurt and anger getting in the way? Does he satisfy you emotionally? How important was the sex element with your affair partner? Did you find you affair partner, more attractive? My affair partner seems to want to give me anything I want, of course she is fighting for me in her own way. I am on my knees every day asking for direction. How did you not talk to your affair partner? Did you quit cold turkey? I know I love my affair partner. I also know that I cannot have (2) women in my life. I also know that my wife carries so much hurt from the past, (She does not know about the affair) and is unable or is having a hard time healing. These hurts go back as far as our original dating and breakup 25 years ago. I need to get deep into the discussions with her but I am having a hard time. I would even go so far as making the affair partner platonic (no sex) if that is possible. Did you think about that? Did you ever consider leaving your husband before the affair happened? Unresolved issues between you and him, or just a dissatisfaction with how the relationship was working? How can one fall in love and then just say ok, this is wrong need to move on? I guesss time heals all wounds, except for the case of my wife. Please respond to the questions in this messge if you can. Mabye that will help me. Thanks you and God bless.

Easy to say, tuff to do. I am so pulled. I feel this happened because I wanted out of my marrige. Anyone ever feel the same? I feel that I am going crazy. From one minute to the next my mind drifts to her and back. This is truly a test of my will. I am scared of making the wrong decesion. And so I pray to he Lord.

Is there anyone out there who was unhappy in their marriage so they unfortunately fell into an affair and then once it happned wanted to get caught so they could leave their SO?

Thank you. How come it happened twice? I am head over heals for this women and would like to feel that. I know it might not work out, but I am almost willing to take that chance. This is tuff.

There is only on way I know of to get this off of your mind and heart. That is to go to formal confession. You need to confess to a preist and confess to GOD that you are sorry for what you have done and will not do it again. I did this and it works. What it did not do however was remove the love I have for the other women, whether real or not, and I believe it is, that will be your burden. I have even asked for that love to be takend from my heart, but it has not happed yet. Have faith, it's all you've got. I noticed you said step son, where you married previously?