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  1. I was wondering if there are any opinions on Enotalone forum online. I googled them and I'm surprised. I understand everywhere people tend to give some % of negative reviews - after all, people who are dissatisfied (justly or unjustly) have more motivation to write about it. But I'm surprised there are almost no positive reviews for so many people feeling hurt. I understand people here are not professionally qualified to help and they dedicate their own personal time for free to help out somebody. It's a kind thing to do, as risky as it is to give strangers advice. However, having read the opinions, I have now doubts if this community has the healthy dynamics that people asking for advice need. The problems seem to be: - Moderation - close to 100% of reviewers are deeply unsatisfied with moderation, saying banning is too restrictive and there is no discussion possible after being banned. Some users comment on unhealthy power balance. - Insensivity - various terms including accusations of systematic cyberbulling in private and public talk. Some quotes I found on review pages: "A lot of individuals on that forum lack patience, compassion, and open-mindedness-- all qualities important for a healthy, lasting relationship. If everyone listened to their advice, no one would be in a relationship." "So the purpose of this app is to vent and my express your feelings. Well on here it's not happening as majority of the people are very judgmental!" "(...) thin skinned people who give bad advice and are most likley bitter on life. " " First few times I used this site, it was good. People were nice and actually gave good advice. Then everyone started giving bad advice and on top of that they gang up on you like you're the bad guy when you were the OP and just want advice. They were mean and rude and turn up against you and says it very bluntly that's its your fault. Yes maybe it is, but help guide someone to make the right decisions not freaking just blame it on them and there also very one sided." "(...) and they do this by berating posters who they perceive as either not being as strong as the supposedly healed berater or as being someone who represents the person who hurt the berater in the past" "made me feel harassed" "the people on there just tore me apart verbally" "(...) were incredibly rude and intentionally used it for nothing more than a platform on which to cyber bully. " "eNotAlone. You have made me feel more alone than ever" "You are NOT getting advice from any of the professionals" "However, the people usually just bring out the negative and leave it at that." "the people that post the most are very insensitive and suggest just about everyone who is the OP to seek therapy. Everyone should have a therapist yes. But the way they go about it is just disrespectful. " "Very few solutions are ever presented and relentless attacks to the OP are a given." Like I said, I understand that some people are bitter after not hearing what they intended to hear, etc. but the opinions are just so consistent. I used this forums many times over years. Sometimes as an advice seeker, sometimes I got advice that helped me to make decisions, some advice made me feel bad for a few days, but I always was grateful for people's time and thought it's about my bad chemistry with some people, or you know, my psychological mechanisms, not about the general forum dynamics. I've been a few times the advice giver as well. How do you feel as advice givers on this forum, if this is apparently the impression of so many forum users? :( I'm not sure if I could do it anymore after reading that. I feel incredible guilt about idea of overusing my psychology degree to help people in ways that do not help them. While I know people here want to something good by helping others, there may be some group dynamics on this forum as well, a specific forum culture encouraging judgement/talking down to people as a means to "shake them", and other things a professional psychologist or a therapist is trained not to do with their client. Or some trends of advice in general. We are social beings after all and every group is influenced by mechanisms studied by social psychology, and not all of these mechanisms are positive. How do you feel about it all? Do you feel with all your heart it's ethical for you to participate in a forum that while wants to help, apparently also hurts so many people? :( Do you think it could be that the "harshness" that is in fact not therapeutic (as so many users claimed in these reviews) but coming from advice giver's personal needs, is somehow encouraged in this community? That the feeling of pride of being an active member for a long time, of wanting to be "the star" of community somehow makes people less focused on the individual needs of the vulnerable person? In my opinion, every good helper is a person open to feedback they get back. A person who reflects on it and tries to change something to do better next time. If you are convinced ENA community does way more good than harm, do you have some reflections what could be changed for the future to make people more emotionally safe? Would it be possible to have a section of the forum dedicated to feedback and open discussion what could be enhanced here, for these hurt users to have a space for speaking freely? Thank you for reading and reflection.
  2. Though all the pain of breaking up, though it hasn't been too long (2 weeks ago) i have taken immidate action to try and better myself from this experiance. I have been going to therapy and my therapist reccomended a book that is excelent and you all should read because it will help you understand where your relatinship lacked, went wrong and how to fix future relationships before they turn sour. The book is called "The Seven principles for makeing Marriage work". it applies to not just marriages but relationships in general, it helps you figure out what makes a happy marriage specifically not just concentrating on what makes marriages fall apart. It has made me realize thgat there definatly were some potentialfuture disasters waiting to happen with the way things were going, but we had ALLOT of positives too, In any case i am concidering sending my ex a very to the point email suggesting her pick up the book so she can better understand herself and be better equiped to deal with relationships in the future. I don;t want to try and decipher specifically what worked or didn't work in our relationship and feed it to her but mearly suggest she decide that herselfwhen reading the book, I've learned allot from the book and think you guys should pick it up too, although a warning is that you will experience feelings of disappointment regarding your breakup situation when you read about parts of your former relationship that were solvable,think of it as a way to keep future potential relationships from screwing up. though i admit, part of why i want to suggest the book to my ex is to have her realize that i have made progress to attempt to better my understanding of relationships and would be better equipped should she ever decide to want to try it agian with me(though the opposite could happen,she could thinkwe were just way too different to try agian, even though i don't thinkthats the case). Though i hate to admit it to myself, as badly as she hurt me by leaving i do wish her sucess in life and happiness. Theres also arisk of her desiring to try these techniques on a new partner too. All in all, i'm not sure if i should suggest it to her, or break NC for this in general... Whatare your thoughts on this? Bythe way pickup this book it will probably help you allot,it's by the auther John M. Gottman.
  3. My wife and I have recently separated after 18 years. She was upset when a counselor, who told her after she had called him to talk about me once again, said that she needed to begin to work on her stuff (he suggested sexual counseling with another counselor) as he gave me several books to read and I have done everything he has suggested. She was so mad that she felt that I had persuaded him to be on "my side" (I have always been on OUR side). I know this sounds confusing but let me say where we are now. When we first separated (4 months ago) I became so upset that I couldn't sleep. I began to have a couple of drinks at bedtime. This turned into 4-5. I have since stopped drinking. At first she said that was one of the reasons she wanted to separate. Now that I am not drinking that isn't the reason anymore. BTW, there have been no affairs. She just finished her degree after going back to school. We have had some problems in the sexual area; she saying her sex drive was low. (I am trying to cover a lot of info here). Anyway, I think that I may have been too clingy (she has told me this) and she is VERY independent. I truly want to win her back but the more I tell her I love her the more she seems to pull back. For now I am not calling her or emailing her. I hope all of this makes sense! Thanks for any advice
  4. Can you help? We're Debby and Jane and we are counsellors in training. We are both personally touched by self harm and so as part of our counselling diploma we have chosen this for our presentation. Our aim is to dispel the myths and give an honest insight into self injury in an honouring way. We invite you to share your personal experience and so have listed below some questions and would be grateful if you answer any that you want to. We don't mean to be patronising, intrusive or disrespectful. We weren't sure how to go about this and are aware that our direct approach may be clumsy. With this in mind we welcome any feedback you have. Anything shared with us will be treated with care and respect. 1. Gender? 2. Age? 3. What do you consider self injury to be? 4. How long have you self injured? 5. How frequently do you self injure? 6. Are others aware you do this? 7. How have others responded to your self injury? Has this been helpful or unhelpful? 8. Have you ever sought help, medical or otherwise? 9. How long does a self injury session usually last? How do you feel before, during and after? 10. How do you know when it's time to stop a particular session? 11. Are you aware of any labels attached to you as a self injurer? 12. Is self injury helpful to you? In what way? 13. Have you ever lost a therapist because s/he couldn't deal with your self-injury? 14. Would you like to give up self injury? Please feel free to add any other information you may like to. If you would like to email us privately, our email address is [email protected], Thank you and warm regards Debby and Jane
  5. Me nd my partner have been together for 4 years and live together - he work s and I am in my final semester of university.. My boyfriend and I have not been gettng along properly for about 10 months and he always seemed very distant and distressed.. I thought he may be with someone else but he always denied it.. Anyway 2 days a go I found a letter in word too a work colleague taht I awlways had suspicions of. It was stating his undying love for her - and stating about all teh things he loved about her and even ssaid he was in love with her. He even dedicateda song too her..I was fumng as you can imagine - trashed teh house and moved out - I saw him in his lunch break and he said he doesnt knwo whetehr he loves her and jsut stormed out in tears saying he couldnt deal with this. Anwyay I just left and I am at a friends house now.. He kept calling sayign we needed too talk and that he doesnt love his work colleague and needed too see me. I was very distant and didnt even want too talk to him. Until I heard he spoke too my dad and dad told me he is an idiot but he does love me and when he got home sitting in teh empty flat he realised he had really really really hurt me.. He wouldnt stop calling so he cam e round too my friends and thsi is what happened: J came round yesterday and told me that I dont have too believe him or not but he does NOT love this woman or is in love with her. He admits he had feelings for her...He said that he has been going though dperession and not really knowing what it was- crying in his work loo's and stuff. He said even though this does not excuse for what has happened this is what is goign on. He called his doctor yesterday and they admitted him too a therapist straight away - saying he is mentally unstable. he said that he needs too do this on his own - all his debts and finances and sort out his head. I said that I iwl never move back there and he agreed that he thinks we need our own space. He just kept apologising. As ffor the letter he stated that he knows the letter sounded in depth. He didnt send it too her and said that he just typed it out- he said that he feels he was using teh situation of her being a shoulder for him too cry on and he thought it was turniogn into something serious. But after he had read thorugh it again it seemed stupid and pathetic. He said that he has not been feelign right in his self for months maybe a year. He said that he is really sorry for teh pain he has put me through. That whatever happens he cares for me and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt be where he is right now..! HE CLAIMS THEY NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!! The long and short of it is that he wants us too stay close and maybe when he is in therapy and getting better we can meet up on a date once in a while ans start over- but he said that it is my choice and I need too do what makes me happy..but living apart will be the best thing for us...(which i have always thought).. Right now I feel drained. I am not goign too call him as I need time too get a place of my own and get uni started up. I would prefer too wait until thsi is sorted b4 anything. The thing is I do love him 4 years is a very long time...i think i will find it very hard too trust him ever and he would have too do watever it takes for me too trust him again...i will make him pay... it has been a crazy few days... bUT i just wanted too hear some opinions. everyone is really great on here and this is the hardest thing in my life apart form my amputation and I just need sound opinions- and whether I am goign along teh right path - one day at a time...
  6. I need to talk to someoen that I can trust... but i dont know who to talk to. I'm having so many problems that I just wish I could accidently walk out in front of an 18 wheeler. I dont know how to go about solving these problems that I am having... I tried talking to my closest friend but he was NO HELP at all, and just made things worse... My parents are an ABSOLUTE NNOOONNNOOONNOOOOO!!! Last time I went to them for help... omg it was awful and I hated myself even more. Thye ignore me so dont say them.... but I really need someone to talk to... A counselor? but how would i get to one of them when I'm 15 and dont even have my learners yet? I almost thought about my school guidance counselor but I figured she would tell my parents and plus I would have to live with thinking about it everyday that I saw her... I REALLY NEED some advice cause I'm starting to do bad in school and I quit the basketball team today because I'm always depressed.d
  7. I am confused right now. I'm 28 and been married 4.5 years. I'm hispanic and married to an american. My husband hasn't been fulfilling me emotionally and in many other ways. A month and a half ago I even considered leaving him. We talked and agreed to see a counselor but have not gone yet. I had told him about me calling to make an appointment but he told me to look around for some other counselor we could go to. I kind of slacked of on this because I had surgery and took several weeks to recover. During this time he seemed to be a little more considerate towards me. We had been thinking of starting to try to get pregnant some time after this. Then, here is my dilemma. I just spent a few days at a 10 year high school reunion. My husband did not attend. When there, I spent a lot of time with a good friend whom I had very strong feelings back in my college days before I met my husband. At the reunion, we flirted, danced closed together, and held each other at times. The last evening there, he walked me to my car. We hugged real tight for a while and then he kissed me twice and then parted from each other. I didn't expect such an attraction towards him, but I did not refuse it. Now, I constantly think about him and the way he made me feel. I even wished we had done more. I've never been with another except my husband, yet I know I'm not getting at least good sex. My husband is not very attentive, I feel that he only sees me as a housewife and errand-runner, etc. He's not touchy feely, romantic, and we don't go out much either. He doesn't give me compliments. These are just a few things. I have been the one to work and invest in our relationship more that he has up to this point. I have not told anyone about what had happened and when I came home, I asked my husband about going to counseling before we continue to try for a baby. He just got upset and said what does that have to do with having a child?! I feel that we had not sorted things out. Should I tell him about what I did? or not? Now I even feel more strong about leaving him because of my experience. What should I do?
  8. Hi... What do you guys think about this....I've been posting a lot over the past weeks and will continue to do so until there's some change in my status (either I have direct contact with my ex...or, I start feeling better). I'm the one who was in a 12-year "best friends" (When Harry Met Sally) with my boyfriend (38). I'm 31. 1.5 years ago, he approached me and said he had "been waiting all those years until he knew he could give me what I wanted and deserved." Fairytalke 1.2 years, definitive talk of marriage, close relationships with family and friends, etc. Ove past 4 months, lots of tension as he had health issues and looming threat of job/career loss and would not open up or be vulnerable with me...and eventually could make no plans for the future (not marriage, not looking for a house, eventually not planning vacations...in the end, barely committing to spending time together. He broke up with me extremely abruptly within the same 24 hours that he lost his job. He instituted No Contact immediately, and we have not had a single conversation since it all happened on June 24. He is currently on vacation with my 2 best friends and their children (see previous post to get that explanation !)....and he has been in contact with my family (to check on me and deliver things he moved out of his house). Now, it turns out, he is alluding to the fact that "Yes, all along, he knew that eventually we would need to have conversations, etc." but he wanted to wait until we were both in a better state. Apparently, he has told my brother and sister-in-law to let him know when they think I am in a strong place so that we can go together and talk to our old couples counselor (He's a fan of therapy and when we were having problems, I suggested we go to therapy...we only went 5 times....and it was clear that I was there to work on the relationship and he was more or less using it as an excuse to leave...although he claims he was "doing everything he could." ) Anyway....I really don't know I feel about the idea of 1st seeing him in front of our therapist....who, by the way, I dont' think was very good and, I believe, was a big factor in our eventual breakup. She focused on trying to "resolve the differences" rather than first taking us to the place of what brought us together (something that I've since learned is critical for relationship counseling). Plus, seeing one another and immediately going to the place of talking about water under the bridge and the problems we had that led to the breakup (when it's not like he wants to reconcile) seems to go against everything that people say relating to "attracting your ex back." I've been working out like a fiend (lost 30 pounds, am generally feeling confident, etc.) What good could it possibly do to "return to the scene of the crime" and - the first time I see him - have it be nothing but tears, etc. Plus....why in the hell would he want to see our couples therapist when he's the one who has made it very clear that we are "no longer a couple." I know his answer would be that it's because he eventually "wants to be friends" and he feels that the only "safe environment" from which to launch that or gain any clarity over his decision is in the confines of a professional's office. It hasn't happened yet (the request) but I'm desperately seeking some proactive coaching on this one !
  9. I was previously on proactiv and it did alot of good for me. But about 4 weeks ago i was put on Differen GELL, and doxycycline. Well i started using Differen on entire face, but it seemed to not work at all. The doctor told me to use it for 8 weeks, and if it didn't work i should see him again. Well i waited about 3 weeks and decided to use proactiv again on my forehead and chin, meanwhile using differenin on my cheek area. WELL, the the chin and forehead cleared up. But the cheek area is stil red and is barely getting better. Im not sure if i should wait for the full 8 weeks or just use proactiv again. I used proactiv and after a week it cleared up the stuff differen couldn't, so you think i should just use proactiv and drop differen. I think the doxycycline takes like months to work so im gonna use that for a while as a combination therapy. BUT what should i do. ITS only been 4 weeks but it seems like DIFF. gel JUST isnt working at all. What should i do guys?? HELP
  10. Hey ive been told by many people over the past year that i should seek out medical guidance on depression however... i cant talk with my parents as they wouldnt understand, they believe life is fun and happy and would frankly laugh if they heard i was "depressed" they would say i dont understand the meaning of the word. and also my doctor is close friends with my parents so i am unable to turn to him. Finally i am only 16 so im not sure whether it is the law for any proffessional that knows of a child taking anti depressants that there parents/guardians must know about it. Finally i have noticed that a lot of people are from the states on here, i am from the UK so that may create more of a problem, please reply when you can thanks
  11. I have finally come to the conclusion that something is seriously wrong with my eating. I doubt DSMV would consider me anorexic but I certainly show the traits. For anyone thats been following my posts, they know I have been having a tough time with my eating habits. I am constantly reducing my daily intake and use the scale as my determining factor in all aspects of life. I have the desire to be perfect and when I eat more than 800 calories in a given day, I panic and hurt myself. I am NOT ready to speak with a counselor or nutritionist or even my own mother, as I see her as a contributing factor to how I eat. I do, however, have a question or more so several. 1. What is considered starvation and restricting? 2. How many calories are you actually supposed to be taking in? Mind you, I'm seventeen and about 5'5". 3. Is there a hotline I can call, I live in the states, that can maybe give me some comfort? I'm more so disordered eating than eating disordered. Please don't rant and rave about how I should be locked up or how stupid I am being. I went through bulimia in middle school and was kicked off the track team because of it. I KNOW the health risks of COE, ANA, MIA, ect. I have lost one friend to eating disorders and nearly lost another girl. I know what can happen, so please don't list the health risks. I KNOW there is a problem but I am NOT ready to completely confront it. Any advice or words of kindness or answers to my questions would be greatly appreciated. =) Thanks a million
  12. Hee'all there, Hey. Like, it's not that I've not gotten advice, professional foot treatment, home-herb therapy, etc. for my foot. My foot has been healing, but still hurts and keeps me from doing the high-intensity aerobics I need to lose the 20 lbs I want to. (Hey, no laughing...I mean, I'm told that you can't tell I've gained 20 lbs, okay? ) Okay, okay. I'm doing light-impact aerobics, pilates, free weights, alternately. Anything other than recumbant bicycle hurts the d*** foot! Ouch! ..sorry Hey, does anyone have advice other than what I'm doing and have already tried? I don't want to go back to the podiatrist because he'll shoot my foot full of steroid and who needs this? Well, as last resort maybe. I'm doing Lobelia and Mullien decoction compresses, which are excellent in like reducing inflammation. So, anyone else have any more ideas? Gotta lose; gotta run; gotta go! Go! Go! Nerd #2, 11flower
  13. For some reason I have just lost the will to live. I get up in the morning and dread even going to school, which if you dont' know I can't stand to be at home right now. I rarely sleep and if I do I only get a few hours, and I wake constantly. I've kept myself from cutting for the past couple of weeks but I'm not sure I can make it anymore. I am in therapy if you all want to know. And for some reason I am really overly aggresive about things lately. I scream at people on my drill squad way more than necessary and I almost screamed at my therapist and I honestly have no reason why I even wanted to. Am I losing it? I'm not sure what to do any more. I'm just so lost and I feel so alone. Thanks for reading this and if you reply thank you again.
  14. Prose implies short stories and is commonly associated with poetry. I really hope no one minds my putting this on here. o.O Enjoy? Hope so. They said she could be anything if she only put her mind to it. Her parents, the teachers, even a counselor said Annie could have anything and everything she ever wanted. The girl of seventeen would lie awake for countless hours staring to the desolate ceiling of her chamber, contemplating over and over all they had said. Their words seemed the echo through the murmurs of the girls insanity, fading in and out until becoming but a soft whisper. A gasp escaped pursed lips as if the body were taking its first and final breathe of life from the world in which it decayed. She felt nothing but the pains of existence and carried the shame of secret storms. Their words sometimes seemed to be the only comfort for her madness; the only thing that kept the body from becoming completely hollow. Those who were close, and they were few, brought such comfort and reassurance to the innocent soul which always seemed like a plague on their lives. But one night changed the insanity and madness into a smoke of life which filled the body. After this night, nothing would be the same and no one would know how much Annie struggled to maintain her futile existence in this world of mass chaos. He was her savior on Earth, her last attempt at holding a normal lifestyle. His perfection astounded Annie and when the two embraced, a soft warmth glowed about her. Storm-gray eyes settled beneath a calm brow and wavy brown hair; yes Eric was handsome. The light which burned from Eric stole the very essense of Annie and fell into his hands like a doll. When their lips met, her emerald eyes would fall shut while burning red hair drifted through his fingers. They held each other as if there was a raging storm around them; twisting and tearing those alone and those together. He would never let Annie go, never, not even if it meant saving her. "You're so beautiful, I just want to make you beautiful." Eric moaned while pressing his shirtless body to the fragile figure which lay still and cold. Long finger tips like spiders gripped tightly to the chest, tugging and pulling. Slowly, they would move from beneath a plain night shirt and find someone else by rubbing an inner thigh, always moving closer. "Annie..." He groaned; pushing and panting while sweat pooled on his forehead. Eric couldn't see his beloved, for she was frozen in another reality. Over and over the girl would pretend as if nothing were happening and even when her lips met his, she insisted it was all about to end. Her world came through his clouded eyes and the girl secretly wept as the body she held was stolen. When her pants were removed, the girl stopped breathing and began to feel everything that was happening. She could no longer hide in a world of fantasy but had to except the truth of her reality. He too lowered his garments as the room began to haze over for Annie. She began to push and cry aloud as if signaling for her capture to give her breathe again. Eric only forced harder and when all seemed lost, she turned to the side and let out a long, sputtering cry. "I just want to be with you, Annie. I'm sorry if you don't want to be with me, I just want to be with you. You're so beautiful." But Annie refused to reply to his harsh, neglecting words of self pity. He wanted more than she could ever offer and that was something Eric would never understand. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months and although his eyes were gone and the deed done, Annie could no longer look at herself or feel. Any hope of salvation had been dashed when Eric tried to be with her. They told her she could do anything; they told her she could be anyone. Annie finally realized that this was true, that she could become the one thing she wanted so desperately to be. With a mind made up and a firm hand, Annie wrote. "I can be anything. I have become something. I never wanted him and he never saw me." These words seemed to be the only sense Annie could make of the world that had swallowed her whole. The early hours of morning began to fill the now empty chamber which had once protected a girl from reality. A deep breathe filled a quivering body as two steel eyes narrowed their glance on the figure before them. She wore a simple, black dress and on her bed, the girl gave one last kiss to the night air.
  15. Unfortunately I have lived a very unhappy life. I have known that I am a lesbian since I was 13 but have always been afraid to 'come out'. So far 2 therapists and 1 friend know. I did have an affair with a women when I was 18. My current therapist told me there is still a chance of meeting a woman and having some happiness. Any comments? Has anyone else waited this long and did find 'the right' woman? thanks. Any comments will be appreciated. terrics
  16. Dont really know where this belongs...Anyway I have been having a really hard time getting over a female friend I had some intense feelings for and then turned out to be nothing (in her eyes) Well this weekend to try and prove myself not being hung up on her, I book a ticket to Vegas, end up doing drugs all weekend, hooking up with some stripper and then come back just thinking about nothing but her. Seems like I am slipping into this abyss trying to just forget about her, as she had become such a big part of my life, and now she feels as if I cant handle being her friend any longer. My job and my life seem to be going to c rap over this and this is really not me...Other than moving away, any suggestions? I am seeing a therapist (she doesnt know about my binge weekend) and she doesnt think I have a problem
  17. After finally deciding on a career I'm happy with and know that I can do, the only thing I need now is a good college. Ok, I'm only a Junior in high school, and I know I have a lot of time to think about this, but I'd like to get it over with. I want to be a Teen Mentor, I know how hard it can be to be a teenager, and that some need a good role model, so I think this would be appropriate. Mind you, I don't want to be a Therapist, just a mentor. So anyways, does anyone know a good college for Teen Mentors to study at? I'd really appriciate the help. Also, info for my other half who wants to be a Child Psycologist, would be great. Thanx in advance. *~Jazz~*
  18. Okay, so heres my story. My father was an alcoholic for 8 years, and i had to put up with so much garbage every day. I'd spend days just locked in this room while my parents were fighting. So basically im 16 years old now and im a really emotional person. I think all of my friends have seen me in tears at one point or another. Another thing is how shy I am...however ive gotten better over the past year but I still feel that its holding me back. Theres been times where i was really depressed and i was a cutter for a while, but i stopped that. I just feel i need to do something about my shyness or social anxiety or whatever it is. I just feel something is holding me back. Im not the same person i am around large groups of people or with close friends. In school i barely speak in the classroom. I know who i am, but i just cant be that person around others. I feel it has to do with my past and it just shaped the person i am today. I dont really know what to do. Its getting annoying now.
  19. I was reading about narcicissm on here and a lot of it, at least what I understood, really hit home. I have been alone for several years now and I now don't have any friends. I have never been married and I don't have any children and time has pulled the rug out from under me. I have been going to therapy for a few years now but nothing is working. My therapist has got me to return to school. I guess that is a positive step. I desperately want friends and I desperately want a relationship, but avoid everything that I need to do to find these things. I have to go to an oreintation next week for the pragram that I will enter next fall for school and I am terrified. I got a letter from them yesterday informing me that later there will also be a cook out for all the students in this program to get to know one another . I am so afraid of it that I thought to myself that I hope I have to work, then I thought I'll just say I have to work even if I don't. This is my dilema, I so want and need friends and a companion, but can't do what is necessary to get them. I think that I am aging prematurely because of my lack of human contact. This post is going to be way too long, sorry about that. Back to the subject of nrcicissm, I've known for a long time that I have low self-esteem, but only recently learned that low self-esteem and arrogance are not mutually exclusive. I never imagined that I could be arrogant since I was so shy and thought so little of myself, but it would seem that I am. I don't know what I'm asking for, I just needed to talk to someone besides my therapist.
  20. I'm broken up with my girlfriend....the therapist told us to take a three month break b/c she wanted out of the relationship b/c she says she can't trust me....yet...if I call her I'll most likely ruin any chance with her in the future but I just want to tell her I miss her. I've never loved somebody so much in my life and it's just getting to be unbearable...things were going so well and POOF she freaked out over our past relationship and just shut down. I dont know what to do. --- addition made to the post from replies (SwingFox) --- my phone # is 512-635-2772 if someone wants to talk. I just want to call her to tell her that I miss her....I know I shouldn't but it's getting to be so hard
  21. I have posted before and will sumarize a little. I lived with a girl for 6 months and then the relationship went sour. For 10 months we went on again off again until this last month or so. We were apart for a month and I took it upon myself to email her. Well she responded immediately and waneted to see me. I learned she was depressed and feeling suicidal (about her past and about us not working out). I have always loved her. I helped her through that night and the next by staying up with her and simply being a sounding board and hugging her when she needed it. Just understanding. She admitted that I have always shown up in the nick of time when I call her or contact her and I was a savior of types for her. She released a lot. Now she has always had difficulties with her relationships(28 that she told me about) and she had an abusive father. She saw that she needed to see a therapist finally. Well she started seeing the therapist for a month or so. We even went to the same therapist (she wanted to see him) for couples counseling. Well, after a couple of weeks she got distant. She started treating me like I had to schedule time with her. I told her that her behavior was bothering me and a little hard to understand. All of a sudden she was acting like she didn't need me. The argument we had escalated and we stopped seeing each other. We talked once again and we talked about going out for dinner or something. Then we talked again the next day and she said she we needed time apart. Then we exchanged email and she was telling me she needed closure in our relationship and maybe in a few months we could have coffee. This happened in the matter of a few days. I was spinning, but thought that the time may be what we need. It was not easy. I really missed her. I emailed her a week later and told her that I love her and I am always there for her. I told her that maybe a few months would be good. I agreed. She responds to me saying that she needs closure on us and she doesn't want to plan on a future meeting, but if our paths crossed then .... well that happens, but she didn't want to plan on it. Then she tells me she doesn't want me to contact her again. Now, this went downhill fast. I had been there for her when she needed me. I told her I loved her and I was there for her. I told her I would continue therapy with her if she was up to it. And she escalated things to.."don't contact me again". I was hurt and depressed (still am). How could someone do this? What kind of pain or reasoning has she been going through. She told me that any communication I have with her pushes her further away from our past. It is very hard for me to understand. I loved her for the good times we would have together. They were perfect. She would be good, then moody, then distant then good again after a while (if we could make it through that time period). I know she has had difficulties in the numerous relationships. She got married young. She lived in a bad realtionship with a 50 year old when she was 20 (actually she lived with 3 men over 50). She, since then has had relationships with 20+ other men that never lasted. She would say that they all broke up aimiably. I find that hard to believe. She was sexually abused by her father when young and lived in a household where she had witnessed her mother being shot at by her father. She holds a deep resentment to her mother for letting her father do what he did, yet she feels bad for her mother going through what she did. My ex hated me having any contact with my father or with other friends. She hated going out with other people other than her co-workers at an event with me. The more I go on, the more I wonder why I loved her. I just did, I can't totally pin one thing to it. Her laugh, her smile. SHe was fantastic from time to time (more when we first met). The sex was incredible. We were like we were meant for each other. The problem was the constant cycling of her moods and how I would react to those. I probably wasn't as understanding as I should have been. I don't know. So, now I am left with "please don't contact me". What is your take on her actions and is there anything I can do to stop me from wanting to contact her so badly? Do I need to learn to just move on without her? Do I give it time, like 6 months or a year, and try to contact her? I understand that therapy had brought up some issues for her and that either the thought of me was too hurtful right now or she really needs time to work on herself. Either way, am I just fooling myself thinking that in the future there could be something between us again or should I just move on? I am very confused.
  22. Gday.Okay.Curly one.Theres this girl I work with.Shes been at my work for about two years and could probably be called (uncharitably) one of the odd ones.To be honest Ive had very little to do with her until one day I noticed she was looking real miserable.When I commented on this she told me she had not been feeling too good recently and had been put on antidepressants by her parents.I took a few moments to listen to her problems and lend a shoulder,told a few stupid jokes and left feeling good about myself because she seemed a lot more cheerful.Truth be told I really dont dig being around unhappy people,so over the course of the next few months I made sure I would stop and chat to her if I had the opportunity see how she was doing,that sort of thing,because I had noticed that she really didnt seem to talk to many people around the place and that she sort of ran around being really cheerful until she thought no-one was looking,when she would generally start looking sad again.One day as I did my semi regular welfare visit (that sounds really bad) she showed me the scars on her arm where she had carved the words "I hate myself". This gave me a fright.She went on to tell me that she pretty much had no social life and spent all her time sitting alone in her room.Breaching the topic tactfully I asked if she was recieving any help.She was but she said it didnt help. Its probably a real stupid thing to do,but I felt sorry for her so I made an effort to be a hell of a lot more friendly from that point on.It seemed to me that she was clearly real unhappy,but it seemed like noone else noticed. I started asking questions(tactfully) about her life,what she got up to, that sort of thing,just to maybe help her think a little better of herself,maybe draw her out of her shell a little.Truth be told I thought she could use a friend. I think this may have backfired.She told me recently that she feels more comfortable with me than her therapist.I seem to have become her unofficial counsellor. I dont mind this.The girl needs a friend,but I really dont quite know where to go from here,because I really have nothing in common with her and the general gist I get from her is that I am the only person she talks to aside from her mum.Worse than this,Ive kind of figured out why shes got no friends in the first place.She seemed like a sweet person with a low self opinion and she is but she is also closed minded,bigoted and I think probably a spoiled little brat. I dont care-she is what she is,but I dont really want to be her best friend and at the same time I dont want to hurt her by pulling away when I am obviously the only meaningful social contact she has had in a long time.Incidentally shes doing well.She cheerfully informed me that she hadnt cut herself in a month the other day.What the hell am I supposed to do here?
  23. i've posted before so i'm sorry. but the thing is, my life is really frrustrating right now. it's not just the fact i'm lonely, it's also how it feels like i have no purpose whatso ever. i'm going to college but the last couple of semesters i've been struggling and i'm not sure if i'll ever suceed. to make matters worse, i have a hard time going out in public sometimes. i mean i feel so inferior to all the other people especially guys i see because they have girlfriends and look like they have a reason to live. i like to write poems and stories...it's the one thing i like abouot myself and yet most times when i write soemthing from my heart to someone, they don't care at all. so i'm both hjealous and mad at the other guys i see doing better than me because a majority of them are jerkfaces who are inconsiderate but good things just keep happening to them. the thing is, i have no real support in my life, i want to believe my family cares but they really don't understand what i'm going through. and i have a therapist, but despite the efforts i've put in trying to break out of this sadness, she thinks i haven't made any progress. i know i haven't made progress to the point where i feel better about myself, but i know i've learned to open up more to people and i think that should mean something. but since i have no one to really go to, i think of leaving where i'm at now and just find a place where there aren't alot of people. i don't really want to do it and even though i'm not going to feel any better once i live in the middle of nowhere, at least there's a chance i won't have to see alot of poeple doing better than me...maybe my biggest fear in life is that one day i'd only have one of those weird cults to turn to like that jim jones thing. and just like all those people, i'll be in somekind of mass suicide and like most of those people, i'll die unknown and forgotten. if i don't end up leaving, i want to not give up on school. i want to one day live in new york and hopefully one day find love soon. i don't know if anyone reading this will understand, i hope at least one person does. sorry it was so long and sorry if it didn't make much sense. but like everything i've written so before, this is also from my heart. bye for now
  24. Hi, I don't know where my priorities lie between my boyfriend and friends. It used to be so clear but now it isn't. I guess I better explain my situation. I have been going out with my former best mate for 5months on saturday, in the morning I am doing a car wash to raise money and am busy and in the afternoon I am just hanging with him. I was planning on going prom dress shopping, a prom to which my boyfriend is not going, so I cancelled the shopping spree. Now my mates want me to go shopping too on saturday and they are great mates who I would do almost anything for, but I had to refuse because it would really hurt my boyfriend if I did it. Then one of them abuses the fact I enjoy car washes and says I am immature and it really hurt although I think she was joking. I haven't been out with my mates for a while because two of them were grounded until a few weeks ago and I am skint and have been a bit ill. I feel like I am letting them down but I try to spend time with them at school to make up for it. What should I do? sphinx ps also recently I have been getting depressed and have cried on my boyfriend a few times, he is always there and i can open up to him, not something I can do to anyone except my sister. My mates don't know I am going back to my old ways and i don't mean selfharm and that I am really unhappy. If they did they would try to help me but I don't want help it smothers me, I have only just escaped from a shrink counsellor and mentor and I am not ready for that again, so i keep it quiet. I trust them but I am not an open person and am too self sufficient(crying on my boyfriend was not intentional, I just couldn,t stop)
  25. i put my name in the post so if you tire of my love life you can ignore it. ok so she wants to date. nad according to her birthday card to me she is looking forward to it. but before i get too excited i think i have to review a couple things and get advice. 1. she said "the deck is stacked against you becuase i see you more as friend right now." 2. also "i want more passion in my life" ok now remember i have three years of experience with this girl. two of which she shut down sexually. when we went to therapy about it last year she admitted its the reason all her relationships have failed. her take now is the guys were wrong. meaning she lost sexual interest becuase the men she chose werent the one. yeah i get it, that includes me. now on the flip side: the timming of her becoming less interested in xx with me came after i turned down moving in the first time. thats important, it could be that when i backed off on a major committment she pulled away internally. ok major RED FLAG. she is dodging what the therapist said entirely. she is not owning that something is going in with her about sex. and wanting more passion in her life. well thats true, a lot of that is just getting out and doing things, something we didnt do for a very long time, well we did but not enough. we let things die and become boring. BUt does anyone see the possible hitch here to rebuilding? we are far enough apart now that starting over makes perfect sense. and could lead to intimacy, but i am afraid that she will avoid it becuase tied up in those sexual feelings are whatever shut her down in the first place. i have to answer this one for myself before i get too far ahead of things.
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