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  1. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  2. So I’ve been doing research into how to improve my self esteem. I came across a “celebrity therapist” and hypnotherapist named Marisa Peer. She has a lot of videos on YouTube and has done Ted talks etc. Her theories seem to make so much sense but I’m struggling with her claim that she has transformed severely ill patients after a few sessions by treating the 3 core causes of their issues, rather than the symptoms of their depression etc. I have been trying out one of her practices for the last few days and I’ve got to say, I do feel a lot better and that’s making me consider purchasing one of her courses (she has free short ones I could trial I think). I can’t find much evidence of her being a therapist etc as google searches come up with mostly her videos and website but her courses etc have been reviewed with high ratings on blogs etc. So I’m wondering if anyone here has tried her courses etc and could vouch for her or say actually she’s a self inflated phony? I know the few reviews I’ve found on blogs are good but I’m skeptical, they could have been given it for free and felt obligated to give it a good review. Thanks
  3. Just an update... I'm finally starting to feel that relief I so desperately wanted to feel, that I left a marriage that was hurting me and that I did the right thing for myself and my future. I don't feel it all the time, but it comes to me in waves and I know I don't feel as despaired as I did a few weeks ago. I'm back at work, I don't feel guilty about leaving, there are good things. I'm trying not to feel mad at myself or guilty about staying so long and putting up with things... it's a hard thing to cope with. I let someone mistreat me for so long... I've started talking to my therapist about it, but an hour a week doesn't feel like enough. Then again I haven't even told her everything. I feel like I'm having extremely delayed reactions to certain incidents that are burned in my brain. They are so hard to vocalize... just certain incidents of being bullied and tormented, for some reason those are harder to talk about than the times he shoved me. Also I'm pretty sure he raped me... how come that never bothered me until now? It happened in July, I haven't even really reacted to it and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but last night I thought about it a lot as I was trying to sleep and I'm disturbed by it now. I sometimes wish I could just vent about what I went through alone but I don't know that it would help or if anyone would care. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I'm so embarrassed.
  4. After what I thought was a mutual break up with my ex back in May, some things have come to light and I am realizing I was in a relationship with a man who, if not already is a narcissist, has extreme narcissitic tendencies. He's done some insane things since we've broken up, but not going to get into that. Long story short my friends, family, and therapist have all helped me see what he is. Despite it, he was still one of the healthiest relationships I have had and it wasn't even healthy. ANYWAY. I've been on 3 covid-friendly dates with someone new. He's sweet, patient, and seems to be a really great guy. When I started dating my ex, everything was kind of rushed and pushed but from the few dates I've been on with this new someone, I feel more at a comfortable pace and more myself. BUT I can also feel myself sabotaging this already. I'm almost expecting it to blow up. I can't explain it well, but I feel like I can almost hear my ex's voice in my head making me doubt everything. I don't want to ruin something before it can even start. I do plan on bringing this up at my next therapy session, but I was curious if any of y'all had advice on getting past the lingering effects of dating a narcissist.
  5. I was in a relationship with a woman for 3 years and I really believed I would spend the rest of my life with her. She is renting a house and living with her adult daughter and her boyfriend plus her 17 year old son. I have a pretty unconventional lifestyle (vegan, minimalist, organic, no car, etc.) and she expressed a desire to become more environmentally conscious as well. However, her kids were raised pretty standard American and to avoid me feeling too judgemental about the wastefulness, or the kids becoming resentful of me when I am pushing for less wastefulness, we decided to wait to live together on my own property in my own tiny house until her son turns 18 and she will be an empty nester. After having some difficult conversations about this it felt like we were in a good place about it. In the fall of 2019 my partner, let's call her Ruth, who is a trauma therapist, told me that I should meet her client, let's call her Lisa. Lisa had been Ruth's client for more than a decade and Ruth told me that Lisa was the most traumatized person she ever met! Even though Ruth was still Lisa's therapist, they started to hang out together. Ruth and I love going on outdoor adventures and Lisa started to join us on a lot of those trips. At the beginning of covid Lisa was invited to be part of Ruth's family pod, because Lisa didn't have anyone else in town to be close with. Lisa is a therapist herself as well for traumatized kids and Lisa started to hang out at Ruth's house more and more, while I was working my seasonal job with a conflicting work schedule with Ruth's, so Ruth and I didn't have much time together during the work week. I brought up several times that I needed some alone time with Ruth as well and she kept on reassuring me that I was her person and her priority. Ruth also acknowledged that Lisa was too dependent on her and that the dynamic between them wasn't particularly healthy (Lisa has Ruth saved as "mom" in her contacts). I believe that Lisa is completely in love with Ruth and wants to use Ruth as an example of a good human being to model her life after, after all the traumatic experiences she has had. In the meantime Ruth was a bit freaked out at the beginning of covid and decided to buy a handgun for protection. She talked about that with Lisa, but didn't bring it up with me until she had bought the gun already. This was an indication that Lisa was becoming more of a partner to Ruth than me. Because Ruth realized that the situation with Lisa was becoming unethical, she decided to officially stop being Lisa's therapist, although she still counseled Lisa unofficially for at least a couple of hours every week. Ruth was compensated for that by Lisa helping out in the household and buying groceries for the family. Sometime last June Lisa started renting a room in the house, although she still kept her own place too (only because she had a dog there). I slowly became more and more frustrated with feeling like a third wheel in this situation. In July we went with the 3 of us on a backpacking trip. On the drive down small things kept on happening that made me feel more and more excluded, which made me somewhat irritable. This irritability caused an argument on this trip twice, during which I blamed Ruth for something pretty minor. This made her feel attacked and unsafe, mostly because of her own trauma background (she was in an abusive relationship with her ex for 20 years). At night, Ruth checked in with Lisa and they talked privately for a while, after which Ruth came into my tent. We processed the whole night and made some progress, even though I was shocked at some of the things she said to me. For example, she told me that she started drinking more after I once mentioned carefully that she might consider drinking a little less, but she just kept it hidden from me instead. It sounded like she was already not feeling safe with me for quite a while, even though less than a week before the fateful incident she told me that she was very happy to be with somebody who communicates well and is safe. After a night of processing she said she wasn't ready to break up with me yet. However, we had to invite Lisa into the tent and tell her what happened. As soon as Lisa came in she started calling me names right away (shamer, blamer, abuser, domestic violence perpetrator, narcissist and somebody who doesn't care one iota about other people's feelings). When I tried to respond I got shut down with remarks like "you can't claim ignorance as an excuse" and "you don't get to defend yourself, that is what all abusers do to deflect". Even though Ruth had just expressed to me that she wasn't ready to break up with me, she immediately fell in line with Lisa's way of thinking. It felt like an abusive ganging up on me (and that by 2 professional trauma therapists!): I was completely prevented from saying anything in my defense, while I was told in no uncertain terms that I am an incorrigible abuser who is doomed to a life of intense therapy to even have a chance to become a better human being. The conclusion was drawn and there was no space to create any other perspective on the situation than through the lens of trauma prevention and abuse, which means getting rid of me as soon as possible and not uttering another word to me on the long drive home, because suddenly I am not a safe person anymore. I suddenly had become Ruth's abusive ex. The next day I received an email from Ruth stating that I can't contact her in any form, ever. If I do, they would file a restraining order against me. I do believe that this is mostly Lisa's sentiment. Ruth and I seriously never had an argument before this happened and I felt completely solid in the relationship. In June of 2019, Ruth came with me to The Netherlands for a 2.5 week visit at my parent's expense to say goodbye to my dying mother. I felt so supported by her and everybody loved her. She said goodbye to my mother with tears in her eyes and promised my mother she would take care of me. This break up happened in the second half of July. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that 2 such minor incidents caused such a severe punishment. I am still in denial and completely heartbroken. Ruth's brother and his girlfriend did reach out to me about a week after the incident via text and told me they didn't believe that I am an abuser and asked me what happened. I sent them a long email with my explanation of what happened and expressed my concern about Lisa's influence on Ruth. Ruth's mother read that email as well. About a week later I was going to meet in a park with the 3 of them (mother, brother and brother's girlfriend) to talk more about what happened and the dynamic at play between Ruth and Lisa. However, somehow Ruth must have heard about that plan and decided to cut them out of her life as well, after which the family decided to stop communicating with me. Even after all this, I am still completely in love with Ruth and keep on hoping that she will come to realize that she treated me poorly and will want me back. Is this unreasonable, especially given the fact that Lisa and Ruth might now not just be emotional partners, but sexual partners as well? Given the fact that Ruth and Lisa are professional therapists, did they step completely out of line with allowing their relationship to develop like this? If so, do I have an obligation to bring them to the therapists ethics board, even though I have no desire to create more problems in Ruth's life (and I do believe she actually is a good therapist) and I firmly believe that Lisa is not malicious, but just acting from her damage? I feel like I want to force a family intervention, but I guess it is really not my place to do that.
  6. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  7. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, he’s my best friend and we have had a great relationship. On our third date he admitted he was a gamer and that he liked to do it in his spare time, I’d never been with anyone that did video games so I didn’t know anything about it. After 1 year of being together my parents decided to down-size their house and renovate it. My boyfriends parents offered for me to live with them until it was finished, which was very kind of them. We were both so excited to live together, I had my doubts as i’d only been staying round 2-3 nights a week previously so we’d never lived together before, let alone living with a family I’d only known for a small amount of time and was still getting to know. I did it anyway because, well, I didn’t have much choice and I thought it would be a good test before getting a place of our own. We’ve had our hiccups along the way, as you would in this type of situation, gaming had never been a big issue. I’d have something to say when it came to his days off, I’d ask him what he’d done and his reply was playstation, and noticed how he watched youtube videos of gamers at night before we went to sleep etc. but I never saw the extent to how much he played. Then Coronavirus happened… We were now both not able to work, living in his family home, with his parents and younger sister (who was back from uni), coping with these new circumstances and restrictions of this pandemic, stressful! I noticed more and more how much my boyfriend was gaming. We share one room together and when he goes on the playstation it interrupted the room space as he would need the TV and be shouting with his friends on the game. I would try and put my headphones on and watch Netflix on my laptop but I would still hear him (he has a loud voice!) or try and busy myself else where, but he would be on for 2 or 3 hours at a time. I even downloaded a game for my laptop to play for myself. This was happening every day. When he wasn’t on the playstation he played games on his phone and his laptop, resulting in majority of the day. I was becoming more and more resentful towards the gaming, I know we didn’t have much to do in this time at home but he would spend so much time on it and prioritise it over doing other things. I would react to his gaming, especially when he would prioritise it over doing something with me or his family i.e going for a walk with us. We would do nothing but argue about it, I would say that I don’t feel like you aren’t prioritising me and you’re playing too much and he would say that he wasn’t on it as much compared to other people and that it was my assumption what he was prioritising. I would question myself all the time, maybe I was being too needy or selfish. Why did I have such a problem? I also felt embarrassed because I knew his family could hear the arguing, they wouldn’t say anything but it would make me feel awkward. This repeated patten went on for weeks, almost 2 months to be exact. We tried to put in strategies and had loads of talks but realistically nothing was helping. In the end, I decided this wasn’t healthy and that I wasn’t going to accept this anymore. He had a massive realisation and had a breakdown and decided to get professional help. I felt complete relief but also respect for him for making this huge step. I wasn’t going crazy, I said I would support him getting help and try to move forward. It’s been 4-5 weeks down the line from him getting help, we’re still in lockdown, there have been some improvements. I have seen differences with him controlling the gaming, he gives himself a time limit and goes days without going on playstation or his laptop. On a whole it’s been better although there have still been times where I have found it difficult in trusting him. I have mentioned a handful of times when I’m feeling this way, that I am really trying but also need to voice my struggles. I want to trust him but there are times I still feel anxious and hurt by arguments we have. He’s even said I might need professional help too, because perhaps there have been events in my past (that I have gotten counselling for) is making an impact on why I’m struggling so much, I wasn’t sure on this idea but I spoke to his therapist, the therapist said starting any sort of counselling is a big decision and that it had to be 100% my decision not anybody else’s, that usually when someone wants you to go to therapy is because of a personal gain. My boyfriend admitted that this could of been true and has apologised, said it was because he didn’t want to be alone and feel like he is taking all the blame. I understood but it has still hurt me. Today he chose to play with his friends on the playstation instead of going for a walk with me, after we’d made arrangements. He said I was making assumptions again, that I was not trusting him or trying. Am I going crazy? I feel absolutely drained from this journey and although we are moving forward the problem still hurts me. I’ve left his house to stay at my parents and I just don’t know what to do, I love him to bits and we are currently buying a house together!!! Some advice and help would be appreciated.
  8. I've been seeing a guy for some time. We've both told each other that we really like each other, and we've talked a lot about a future together. However, my guy suffers from crippling anxiety. He told me he didn't used to have it, and thinks he's gotten better over time. I wonder if he's really just adapting to it. I think it's worse than he believes. He can't go to certain places or do certain things, for fear of having an anxiety attack. At times, he says he "can't handle" people and shuts down. He has a "comfort zone" of about 60 miles in radius, which he can't leave. He can go to the grocery or work, but I think he has to stick to a slight routine. It's frustrating that his doctor just prescribes him pills. I don't think his doctor ever suggests he sees a therapist or support group. I've tried to gently suggest therapy, but he has no interest in going. In the end, I drop it and don't push it. The problem is I don't feel like I can always talk to him. I try to be understanding about his anxiety, but how much is too much? I start to wonder if he's actually just taking me for granted...or maybe even playing games. I don't know what to think at this point. Whenever I try to state what I need out of this relationship or we begin to disagree on something, I think it starts to trigger an anxiety attack in him. He will either verbally lash out and abruptly end things, only to come back a few days later...or he will just shut down and push me away for some time. I try to give him space and wait until he reaches out. When we end up talking again, he usually brings up what happened and wants to talk about it. Yet, he never fully apologizes unless I directly tell him how much he hurt me. He also reassures me that he doesn't want me to feel like I can't speak freely; he wants me to tell him whenever something is bothering me. It's very annoying when I hear him say that. I don't know what to do, because whenever I do try to state what's bothering me, he gets triggered all over again. I know it's not healthy, and it's really hurtful. I realize I can't and shouldn't continue a relationship with him, unless he's willing to go to therapy. It's starting to affect my self-esteem and mental health a lot. But I don't know how to say this, without him getting defensive. I want to be understanding and supportive. I want to give him space when he needs it. I just can't keep going on with the way things are. It's tearing me apart. If anything, I'd like to be a friend to him. My friends aren't helpful in advice. One says I should just let it go and give him space when he needs it, because it's probably very hard for him. The other says I should dump him. Right now, my guy and I aren't speaking again. I've written down a few things that I want to say to him, but I'm not sure which is the right step to take. 1. Should I just give him space and wait for him to reach out again? 2. Do I contact him and ask if we can talk? 3. Do I send a text saying that I can't do this anymore and can only be friends? I would really like to remain friends, if that's all we can do. I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. We have a lot of fun together. I don't want to have to say goodbye. :( I hope I can hear some replies from people who have had or do suffer from a similar form of anxiety. Even if you don't, I'd like to hear your perspective. Thank you.
  9. Has anyone or your partner overcome it? How does someone over come it and what can I do as a partner to help? My partner won’t agree to see a therapist. She is jealous of the people I slept with prior to meeting her. She also doesn’t think that I found her attractive on our first date. To be honest she is right. I did not at the time and she found out somehow but the more time i spent with her the deeper I fall for her and she is now the most beautiful to me. She just can’t get over it..
  10. Hi all. Looking for some advice... and I'll be honest I'm on this forum because if I told any of my friends that I'd spoken with my ex today, they would yell at me. I blame coronavirus for making me soft. My ex and I broke up 8 months ago at the end of June 2019. I had no idea it was coming. We had been together 3 years. We were supposed to move in together in July. He reasoning was that : a) he couldn't imagine himself living with anyone, ever (even though by my understanding he had been excited to about it weeks/months prior) b) he believed he had become complacent at work because of our relationship and c) he couldn't give me the things I wanted in life (marriage, travel) - marriage isn't important to me, my ex has a phobia of flying After having a lot of time to think about the reasons he gave me I believe it boils down to one thing -- he wasn't ready to commit to me. Hindsight now but bolting is definitely a reoccurring pattern in his previous relationships. A little background about us -- we were really happy together. We clicked in a way I've never experienced before and I suppose I'm still stunned he broke things off. When I mentioned we could go to therapy to help get through these some of these issues he told me he wasn't willing to compromise. Part of me thinks he has a habit of self-sabotaging - believing he wasn't good enough for me. He told me he didn't want to "waste me time." He was my best friend and I miss him everyday. Fast forward to now. I've blocked him on social media, haven't talked to him since September of last year. The pain is still very real for me. But with everything going on I felt compelled to reach out because YES I still care. I only said that I hoped him and his family were healthy and safe. He assured me that him and his family were okay and then thanked me for reaching out. He said "I've literally been spending all this pandemic time alone and a lot of it I spending wondering and worrying about you." He also said he had asked a mutual friend of ours where I was because he was worried I was all alone and wanted "peace of mind." When I asked him how he was he said he was okay. He told me he tried yoga for the first time - something that I always had recommended to him while we were together. He also said he has been talking to a therapist, which I recommended when he broke things off between us. I know that he can worry and wonder about me without wanting to get back together. But am I crazy? Doesn't it mean something that I am still in his thoughts? That he's trying to improve himself with ideas I recommended? I'm too close and I can't help but read into all of it.
  11. Hi everyone. My ex (23 M) and I (21 F) have had serious issues in our relationship that never seemed to be making any progress and for that reason I dumped him and we have been broken up for over a month now. I have posted on this forum about our issues before, so little back story: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561671 Tl;dr version: I hooked up with someone a few times during the “talking stage” with my ex. He found out a few months later when we became a couple and has verbally/emotionally abused me for more than half a year over the same issue. Fast forward to now, we are still broken up but have kept contact and remained friends since we have a 4 hour long class together at school and are in the same lab group. He has been trying for a month to get back with me and has taken steps to change. In the first few weeks there were A LOT of begging, pleading, telling me he needs me, blowing up my phone with apologies, waiting outside my house for me to come out and talk to him, leaving voicemails of him crying and apologizing...he has now stopped most of this behavior after starting therapy which I am very proud of him for doing. I’ve just been having a really hard time dealing with all of this and my feelings for him. I don’t miss him terribly. I still love him, just not as much as I did before. Some days I want to take him back and other days I don’t. I don’t know if I miss him or just the familiarity of our relationship. I know a lot of advice columns online talk about narcissistic abusers, or those who are ill-willed and manipulate to gain control and power over the victim. But I don't believe my ex is like that... and this is making me second guess. I think he is just an emotionally troubled guy with insecurities and a rough childhood. His dad is an alcoholic and can be abusive when intoxicated. He really wants me to give him one last chance chance to show me that he’s changed, that he’s trying, that things will be different this time because he got to experience what it’s like to really lose me (I was unresponsive and unreachable for a while, also started seeing other people and he knows this). He’s expressed a lot of remorse and told me he’s very ashamed over how he treated me. He told me his issue was that he didn’t know how to forgive and that his therapist gave him a worksheet to fill out that helped him immensely, but I don’t know... Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.
  12. Hi All, First off, I want to take the time to thank anyone who is willing to over me some advice. Okay, so to start my ex-boyfriend and I were in a strong and committed relationship for a bit over 4.5 years. We recently broke up on March 27th of this year due to something I did, an active of extreme impulses. We are both in our 20s, him 23 and me going on 21 in a few months. This particular incident began when I called him to see if he’d be able to send me a few dollars to order UberEats around noon. With the pandemic going on, I lost my job working at an elementary school and have been low on funds. I live with my grand currently and also attend college. Anyways, he sent me the money because our kitchen sink was broken at the time. My grandparents felt that if the sink was broken, the whole kitchen was too, lol. After that discussion and him sending the money, he asked if I wanted to go to the mall. I explained to him that it was closed due to the lockdown and perhaps we could grab food instead. He shared that he’d think about it and let me know later. I never bought food because around 3 pm, my grandma cooked after my grandpa temporarily fixed the sink. Anyway, he called around 5:30 pm to see if I was still interested in spending time with him, and I agreed. Around 6 pm, I was heading to his place to pick him up and on the way had informed him that I ate earlier, but wouldn’t mind a bit of snacking. About 5-10 after saying that, he began to think about what I said and changed his mind after I arrived. He instead wanted to just go to the gas station and head home. I have been going to therapy twice a week for two months now, but still have a minor issue with my extreme reactions. So, I got more upset that necessary and called him out of his name and yelled. I apologized immediately, and headed to the gas station. I was still a bit upset at him and asked for him to remove the pump from my car since it was on the passenger side. He said no multiple times, and I kicked him out of my car. He only walked half a block before I gave him a ride, but he told me later that evening that it was too late, and he was done. I have been around way too many toxic relationships and traumatic experiences, and unfortunately, took things out on him. He is very strong, a wonderful man, and I so much want him in my life for good. I’ve made those kind of mistakes throughout our relationship, but just recently seemed therapy and psychiatry. I had trust issues that stemmed from unhealthy marriages throughout my family and an abusive mother. I wasn’t always dependent upon him to make me happy, but I did a bit towards the end of our relationship. He has given me so many changes, and just recently I have been working positively and hard to better myself. We have broken up some times before, not nearly as long, but I would always beg and plead for his return. He would always love me just as much too. I believe that he is the right person that came at the wrong time. I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused by my mother for years and he would always comfort me. I was there for him a lot too. He is an excellent compliment in my life. Currently I have been doing no contact for about 3-4 days, not much, but he doesn’t have me blocked on anything. I jus want to know that as I continue to better myself and let go of the trauma and other people’s experiences, is there a chance that we could get back together and make it work the right way? We have the same life end goals, support each other and have loved each other hard. We never cheated or anything to that extreme. I love him very much, and I do pray for his return. What should I continue to do? Thank you all.
  13. Hi all, it’s been about 2 weeks since me and my boyfriend broke up. Was a 6 month relationship, but I really thought this could be the one.. after a few heartbreaks and non-starters in my early-mid 30s. We broke up because of his recurrent feelings of doubt he has in relationships, and his inconsistency and inability to truly “throw himself into” it. He was in counselling for all this (and had started this counselling months before we met), and he was trying to work through it- so I was hopeful he could get past it. He had said I was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time etc. I'd met his family and friends etc. But it became too painful and unhealthy for me to stay. His inconsistency and feeling him pulling away was damaging my self esteem- which is already very fragile. He’s a kind, good man- and was never defensive with me when I tried to talk to him about “us”. So it’s hard for me to just write him off as a selfish narcissist etc. He wasn’t. The break up is hurting me so much. He didn’t fight for me. Which says it all really. But to make matters worse, it’s not a typical breakup (I guess no-ones feels typical)... two days after we split up he found out that his ex (ie the one before me, not me!) took her own life earlier the same week. Uuughh. Horrific situation for all. Messed up situation. The self centred hurting part of me can’t handle this. He has said in an email that this death is totally overwhelming him and he can’t think of anything else. He has acknowledged it’s totally overshadowing our break up. And I hate admitting it.. but I feel totally sidelined. Like this is now “what he is getting over” and that I’ve been wiped out/forgotten like I never existed. I’m ashamed to have these feelings in the circumstances.. but I feel like a complete “nothing”. Uuughh. I’m trying to get over him, meanwhile he is getting over his previous ex whose just died. She was his most significant ex before he met me, and they had broken up 18 months before we met. I got a missed call from him last Friday - which i thought was odd (was the last thing he would do really).. and it turned out to be a mistake.. a 'pocket dial'...and on the day of his ex's funeral. Ouch. Another punch in the face. I have sent him a couple of supportive messages. But i'm having to go 'no contact' now- its too painful. The craving for external validation from him that I meant something to him is so strong right now. I feel totally worthless/nothing/insignificant/invisible/forgotten. I know I need to work from within to heal, but it's f*cking hard right now.. Any advice welcome! :)
  14. Long story short, I have been a PM for 12 years total with 2 different companies. Although I was successful at times, overall it was very difficult and I got mixed results. It was not what I thought it would be. I think my natural skills do not match up well with the skills required to be a solid PM (super organized and attention to detail, sharp sense of urgency, strong assertiveness, relishing being in the spotlight all the time). Much of the time I was actually miserable. In fact I resigned from my last job because I was put in a position in which the project could only fail. Got my PMP the whole 9. I would really like to do something else but not sure what other jobs my PM skills would transfer to? PM skills are varied and they have to be transferable but I'm not sure what specific jobs they would best be suited for. Or if companies would hire a former PM just because some of the skills are transferable. I need to see a career counselor but I thought I would ask all of you first. THANK YOU for any advice. Thanks.
  15. Hi lovely people! Lately I have been noticing a change in my life. I have been going to a therapist since a year, since I admitted I was in a depression. Since then life had become a bit better, I was still dealing with negative thoughts, but could handle it better then before. Life seemed better. From my precious post you can see that I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago. I felt empowered in the beginning, the relationship wouldnt work, but now I miss him a lot. Not searching for contact, but I really miss him and cant yet get over this thought of being together again or imagining him with another girl. I have big abandonment issues due to my past. This relationship was long distance. I believed it could actually work, had an idealized look at the two of us together which didn't end up to be true. Im afraid that I wont end up in a loving healty relationship without drama. Always had toxic relationships. Also Ive been noticing that the negative thoughts are getting more stronger. I feel really insecure, am thinking about how I act (in a negative way) to other people when Im around them for like 90% of the time. Which makes me tired, frustrated and, which I also notice, making less plans and be more alone instead. Which also doesn't make things much better. I do still meet up with friends, but when I do most of the times I end up regretting it. For a long time I could get over my negative thoughts, lately I cant so well anymore. I feel really alone, which is sad, because I have enough amazing people around me and doing many amazing things. On the bright side, so I dont do myself too short: I am getting better in standing up for myself, setting boundaries and doing things that will be good for me in the future (like the break up, think I actually really handled the situation in a good way, which I could never do in the past). Will speak with my therapist about this, but have to wait another two weeks and I am wondering if people from here dealt with these situation as well. Could you get out of it? Does life seem better now? Sometimes Im worried I have to live with these feelings forever. Tips are very much welcome as well! Thanks for reading :)
  16. Though all the pain of breaking up, though it hasn't been too long (2 weeks ago) i have taken immidate action to try and better myself from this experiance. I have been going to therapy and my therapist reccomended a book that is excelent and you all should read because it will help you understand where your relatinship lacked, went wrong and how to fix future relationships before they turn sour. The book is called "The Seven principles for makeing Marriage work". it applies to not just marriages but relationships in general, it helps you figure out what makes a happy marriage specifically not just concentrating on what makes marriages fall apart. It has made me realize thgat there definatly were some potentialfuture disasters waiting to happen with the way things were going, but we had ALLOT of positives too, In any case i am concidering sending my ex a very to the point email suggesting her pick up the book so she can better understand herself and be better equiped to deal with relationships in the future. I don;t want to try and decipher specifically what worked or didn't work in our relationship and feed it to her but mearly suggest she decide that herselfwhen reading the book, I've learned allot from the book and think you guys should pick it up too, although a warning is that you will experience feelings of disappointment regarding your breakup situation when you read about parts of your former relationship that were solvable,think of it as a way to keep future potential relationships from screwing up. though i admit, part of why i want to suggest the book to my ex is to have her realize that i have made progress to attempt to better my understanding of relationships and would be better equipped should she ever decide to want to try it agian with me(though the opposite could happen,she could thinkwe were just way too different to try agian, even though i don't thinkthats the case). Though i hate to admit it to myself, as badly as she hurt me by leaving i do wish her sucess in life and happiness. Theres also arisk of her desiring to try these techniques on a new partner too. All in all, i'm not sure if i should suggest it to her, or break NC for this in general... Whatare your thoughts on this? Bythe way pickup this book it will probably help you allot,it's by the auther John M. Gottman.
  17. My wife and I have recently separated after 18 years. She was upset when a counselor, who told her after she had called him to talk about me once again, said that she needed to begin to work on her stuff (he suggested sexual counseling with another counselor) as he gave me several books to read and I have done everything he has suggested. She was so mad that she felt that I had persuaded him to be on "my side" (I have always been on OUR side). I know this sounds confusing but let me say where we are now. When we first separated (4 months ago) I became so upset that I couldn't sleep. I began to have a couple of drinks at bedtime. This turned into 4-5. I have since stopped drinking. At first she said that was one of the reasons she wanted to separate. Now that I am not drinking that isn't the reason anymore. BTW, there have been no affairs. She just finished her degree after going back to school. We have had some problems in the sexual area; she saying her sex drive was low. (I am trying to cover a lot of info here). Anyway, I think that I may have been too clingy (she has told me this) and she is VERY independent. I truly want to win her back but the more I tell her I love her the more she seems to pull back. For now I am not calling her or emailing her. I hope all of this makes sense! Thanks for any advice
  18. Can you help? We're Debby and Jane and we are counsellors in training. We are both personally touched by self harm and so as part of our counselling diploma we have chosen this for our presentation. Our aim is to dispel the myths and give an honest insight into self injury in an honouring way. We invite you to share your personal experience and so have listed below some questions and would be grateful if you answer any that you want to. We don't mean to be patronising, intrusive or disrespectful. We weren't sure how to go about this and are aware that our direct approach may be clumsy. With this in mind we welcome any feedback you have. Anything shared with us will be treated with care and respect. 1. Gender? 2. Age? 3. What do you consider self injury to be? 4. How long have you self injured? 5. How frequently do you self injure? 6. Are others aware you do this? 7. How have others responded to your self injury? Has this been helpful or unhelpful? 8. Have you ever sought help, medical or otherwise? 9. How long does a self injury session usually last? How do you feel before, during and after? 10. How do you know when it's time to stop a particular session? 11. Are you aware of any labels attached to you as a self injurer? 12. Is self injury helpful to you? In what way? 13. Have you ever lost a therapist because s/he couldn't deal with your self-injury? 14. Would you like to give up self injury? Please feel free to add any other information you may like to. If you would like to email us privately, our email address is debbyandjane@yahoo.co.uk, Thank you and warm regards Debby and Jane
  19. Me nd my partner have been together for 4 years and live together - he work s and I am in my final semester of university.. My boyfriend and I have not been gettng along properly for about 10 months and he always seemed very distant and distressed.. I thought he may be with someone else but he always denied it.. Anyway 2 days a go I found a letter in word too a work colleague taht I awlways had suspicions of. It was stating his undying love for her - and stating about all teh things he loved about her and even ssaid he was in love with her. He even dedicateda song too her..I was fumng as you can imagine - trashed teh house and moved out - I saw him in his lunch break and he said he doesnt knwo whetehr he loves her and jsut stormed out in tears saying he couldnt deal with this. Anwyay I just left and I am at a friends house now.. He kept calling sayign we needed too talk and that he doesnt love his work colleague and needed too see me. I was very distant and didnt even want too talk to him. Until I heard he spoke too my dad and dad told me he is an idiot but he does love me and when he got home sitting in teh empty flat he realised he had really really really hurt me.. He wouldnt stop calling so he cam e round too my friends and thsi is what happened: J came round yesterday and told me that I dont have too believe him or not but he does NOT love this woman or is in love with her. He admits he had feelings for her...He said that he has been going though dperession and not really knowing what it was- crying in his work loo's and stuff. He said even though this does not excuse for what has happened this is what is goign on. He called his doctor yesterday and they admitted him too a therapist straight away - saying he is mentally unstable. he said that he needs too do this on his own - all his debts and finances and sort out his head. I said that I iwl never move back there and he agreed that he thinks we need our own space. He just kept apologising. As ffor the letter he stated that he knows the letter sounded in depth. He didnt send it too her and said that he just typed it out- he said that he feels he was using teh situation of her being a shoulder for him too cry on and he thought it was turniogn into something serious. But after he had read thorugh it again it seemed stupid and pathetic. He said that he has not been feelign right in his self for months maybe a year. He said that he is really sorry for teh pain he has put me through. That whatever happens he cares for me and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt be where he is right now..! HE CLAIMS THEY NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!! The long and short of it is that he wants us too stay close and maybe when he is in therapy and getting better we can meet up on a date once in a while ans start over- but he said that it is my choice and I need too do what makes me happy..but living apart will be the best thing for us...(which i have always thought).. Right now I feel drained. I am not goign too call him as I need time too get a place of my own and get uni started up. I would prefer too wait until thsi is sorted b4 anything. The thing is I do love him 4 years is a very long time...i think i will find it very hard too trust him ever and he would have too do watever it takes for me too trust him again...i will make him pay... it has been a crazy few days... bUT i just wanted too hear some opinions. everyone is really great on here and this is the hardest thing in my life apart form my amputation and I just need sound opinions- and whether I am goign along teh right path - one day at a time...
  20. I need to talk to someoen that I can trust... but i dont know who to talk to. I'm having so many problems that I just wish I could accidently walk out in front of an 18 wheeler. I dont know how to go about solving these problems that I am having... I tried talking to my closest friend but he was NO HELP at all, and just made things worse... My parents are an ABSOLUTE NNOOONNNOOONNOOOOO!!! Last time I went to them for help... omg it was awful and I hated myself even more. Thye ignore me so dont say them.... but I really need someone to talk to... A counselor? but how would i get to one of them when I'm 15 and dont even have my learners yet? I almost thought about my school guidance counselor but I figured she would tell my parents and plus I would have to live with thinking about it everyday that I saw her... I REALLY NEED some advice cause I'm starting to do bad in school and I quit the basketball team today because I'm always depressed.d
  21. I am confused right now. I'm 28 and been married 4.5 years. I'm hispanic and married to an american. My husband hasn't been fulfilling me emotionally and in many other ways. A month and a half ago I even considered leaving him. We talked and agreed to see a counselor but have not gone yet. I had told him about me calling to make an appointment but he told me to look around for some other counselor we could go to. I kind of slacked of on this because I had surgery and took several weeks to recover. During this time he seemed to be a little more considerate towards me. We had been thinking of starting to try to get pregnant some time after this. Then, here is my dilemma. I just spent a few days at a 10 year high school reunion. My husband did not attend. When there, I spent a lot of time with a good friend whom I had very strong feelings back in my college days before I met my husband. At the reunion, we flirted, danced closed together, and held each other at times. The last evening there, he walked me to my car. We hugged real tight for a while and then he kissed me twice and then parted from each other. I didn't expect such an attraction towards him, but I did not refuse it. Now, I constantly think about him and the way he made me feel. I even wished we had done more. I've never been with another except my husband, yet I know I'm not getting at least good sex. My husband is not very attentive, I feel that he only sees me as a housewife and errand-runner, etc. He's not touchy feely, romantic, and we don't go out much either. He doesn't give me compliments. These are just a few things. I have been the one to work and invest in our relationship more that he has up to this point. I have not told anyone about what had happened and when I came home, I asked my husband about going to counseling before we continue to try for a baby. He just got upset and said what does that have to do with having a child?! I feel that we had not sorted things out. Should I tell him about what I did? or not? Now I even feel more strong about leaving him because of my experience. What should I do?
  22. Hi... What do you guys think about this....I've been posting a lot over the past weeks and will continue to do so until there's some change in my status (either I have direct contact with my ex...or, I start feeling better). I'm the one who was in a 12-year "best friends" (When Harry Met Sally) with my boyfriend (38). I'm 31. 1.5 years ago, he approached me and said he had "been waiting all those years until he knew he could give me what I wanted and deserved." Fairytalke 1.2 years, definitive talk of marriage, close relationships with family and friends, etc. Ove past 4 months, lots of tension as he had health issues and looming threat of job/career loss and would not open up or be vulnerable with me...and eventually could make no plans for the future (not marriage, not looking for a house, eventually not planning vacations...in the end, barely committing to spending time together. He broke up with me extremely abruptly within the same 24 hours that he lost his job. He instituted No Contact immediately, and we have not had a single conversation since it all happened on June 24. He is currently on vacation with my 2 best friends and their children (see previous post to get that explanation !)....and he has been in contact with my family (to check on me and deliver things he moved out of his house). Now, it turns out, he is alluding to the fact that "Yes, all along, he knew that eventually we would need to have conversations, etc." but he wanted to wait until we were both in a better state. Apparently, he has told my brother and sister-in-law to let him know when they think I am in a strong place so that we can go together and talk to our old couples counselor (He's a fan of therapy and when we were having problems, I suggested we go to therapy...we only went 5 times....and it was clear that I was there to work on the relationship and he was more or less using it as an excuse to leave...although he claims he was "doing everything he could." ) Anyway....I really don't know I feel about the idea of 1st seeing him in front of our therapist....who, by the way, I dont' think was very good and, I believe, was a big factor in our eventual breakup. She focused on trying to "resolve the differences" rather than first taking us to the place of what brought us together (something that I've since learned is critical for relationship counseling). Plus, seeing one another and immediately going to the place of talking about water under the bridge and the problems we had that led to the breakup (when it's not like he wants to reconcile) seems to go against everything that people say relating to "attracting your ex back." I've been working out like a fiend (lost 30 pounds, am generally feeling confident, etc.) What good could it possibly do to "return to the scene of the crime" and - the first time I see him - have it be nothing but tears, etc. Plus....why in the hell would he want to see our couples therapist when he's the one who has made it very clear that we are "no longer a couple." I know his answer would be that it's because he eventually "wants to be friends" and he feels that the only "safe environment" from which to launch that or gain any clarity over his decision is in the confines of a professional's office. It hasn't happened yet (the request) but I'm desperately seeking some proactive coaching on this one !
  23. I was previously on proactiv and it did alot of good for me. But about 4 weeks ago i was put on Differen GELL, and doxycycline. Well i started using Differen on entire face, but it seemed to not work at all. The doctor told me to use it for 8 weeks, and if it didn't work i should see him again. Well i waited about 3 weeks and decided to use proactiv again on my forehead and chin, meanwhile using differenin on my cheek area. WELL, the the chin and forehead cleared up. But the cheek area is stil red and is barely getting better. Im not sure if i should wait for the full 8 weeks or just use proactiv again. I used proactiv and after a week it cleared up the stuff differen couldn't, so you think i should just use proactiv and drop differen. I think the doxycycline takes like months to work so im gonna use that for a while as a combination therapy. BUT what should i do. ITS only been 4 weeks but it seems like DIFF. gel JUST isnt working at all. What should i do guys?? HELP
  24. Hey ive been told by many people over the past year that i should seek out medical guidance on depression however... i cant talk with my parents as they wouldnt understand, they believe life is fun and happy and would frankly laugh if they heard i was "depressed" they would say i dont understand the meaning of the word. and also my doctor is close friends with my parents so i am unable to turn to him. Finally i am only 16 so im not sure whether it is the law for any proffessional that knows of a child taking anti depressants that there parents/guardians must know about it. Finally i have noticed that a lot of people are from the states on here, i am from the UK so that may create more of a problem, please reply when you can thanks
  25. I have finally come to the conclusion that something is seriously wrong with my eating. I doubt DSMV would consider me anorexic but I certainly show the traits. For anyone thats been following my posts, they know I have been having a tough time with my eating habits. I am constantly reducing my daily intake and use the scale as my determining factor in all aspects of life. I have the desire to be perfect and when I eat more than 800 calories in a given day, I panic and hurt myself. I am NOT ready to speak with a counselor or nutritionist or even my own mother, as I see her as a contributing factor to how I eat. I do, however, have a question or more so several. 1. What is considered starvation and restricting? 2. How many calories are you actually supposed to be taking in? Mind you, I'm seventeen and about 5'5". 3. Is there a hotline I can call, I live in the states, that can maybe give me some comfort? I'm more so disordered eating than eating disordered. Please don't rant and rave about how I should be locked up or how stupid I am being. I went through bulimia in middle school and was kicked off the track team because of it. I KNOW the health risks of COE, ANA, MIA, ect. I have lost one friend to eating disorders and nearly lost another girl. I know what can happen, so please don't list the health risks. I KNOW there is a problem but I am NOT ready to completely confront it. Any advice or words of kindness or answers to my questions would be greatly appreciated. =) Thanks a million
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