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  1. My husband claims that his worst nightmare would be more me to leave him. He admitted this through tears during our first session of couple's counseling, which he hesitantly attended at my behest after I'd gotten fed up with his behaviors for the umpteenth time. Apparently one session was enough for him, because he would not go back. We've been together for 11 years, married for 4. I'm in my late 20s. He's in his early 30s. I don't need to go on and on about how much I love him, how great he is when he isn't being 'like that' etc. I'm sure most of you have heard it all a dozen times. But I will say this - Marriage is not an institution I'd go frivolously into and it's not one I'd leave unless there was literally no other option. But goddamn if he hasn't had me considering serving those papers at least once a month. He was my forth serious boyfriend. I was his second girlfriend ever. The problems didn't really start until around 2 years into our exclusivity. He'd tell me often that 'he wasn't like this before' and that only I could make him this jealous. I never found it flattering, but then again I don't think he ever intended for it to be. Ever since then we've fallen into a cycle, fueled by his fragile ego and inability to work on himself. My husband has good qualities. Lots of them. I wouldn't have married him if he didn't, but they've all become steadily overshadowed by the giant raincloud of self-hatred. Defeatism and fatalism. It's so odd, he's like a pendulum that swings between deep loathing for himself and an almost narcissistic grandiosity. He convinces himself that he's entitled to things he didn't work for, but once he realizes it he flagellates himself until he's mental gore. And I'm expected to whip out the mop and hot cocoa to clean up his mess and soothe his soul. Because that's what I'm supposed to be, right? His therapist. His sexy therapist. There is to sitting down and thinking things through with this man. If he thinks it, it is true. He doesn't grasp the reality of Thoughts and Feelings =/= Fact. Any and all thoughts, so long as they're negative, are true and that's the end of the story. He believes himself to be repulsive and impossible to love? Guess what, I get punished for it. Without even talking to me, he assumes that I look at him with 'disgust' in my eyes, and that I'd sooner run to another woman or a fictional character just to be away from him. When I feel insecure about my body, then it means I do not want to share myself sexually with him, therefore I hate him. If I don't memorize the minutia of his hobby, then that means I find him a pathetic manchild who needs to grow up. So on and so forth. You get the idea. There is no winning with this man. And I know there shouldn't be any 'winning', since this isn't a competition... But you know what I mean. Nothing I do is ever enough. There are always caveats and stipulations. And when I'm lacking, it means I hate my husband. Of course, I know that's not true. I know I love my husband. And deep down he knows I do as well... But he needs a scapegoat. An out. He needs something to project feelings he can handle onto. That person is me, since we're the closest and all. I just... I feel so overwhelmed. Whenever I bring up separation or divorce he goes on the defensive, calling me out for wanting to 'abandon our vows' and give up on him so easily. But, he must know this has been years and years in the making, right? I can't spend the last bastion of my youth with some sad sack that blames all of his failings on me. I've tried to help him in the past, but there's only so much I can do as an outside entity. I'm his wife. Not his therapist, mother, security blanket or teacher. When I felt I had problems that needed to get sorted and addressed I seeked out a therapist. 5 years later, I graduated from said therapy and walked out a significantly more stable person. He was there the entire way to watch me transform in real time, yet he absolutely refuses any sort of mental health counseling himself. I haven't given him the 'therapy or I leave' ultimatum, since ultimatums are unfair... But Dear Lord am I close to it. I want this to work out, and I know he does too. We both want to start a family, but I told him that I am not procreating with a man who can't regulate his emotions or take responsibility for his actions. Of course, that sent him into a downswing but at this point I don't care. He's hellbent on dragging me down into depression with him and I fought tooth and nail to climb out. I am not going to be his miserable company. That said, I would want to understand him better.
  2. My boyfriend has issues. I'm fine. Our relationship is fine. He has a lot of things going on in his life...and last night I'm pretty sure he was drunk when he called me. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden he became emotionally abusive towards me. He has never acted like that. We always joke and say "i hate you" and then "i love you" and that's the way it was last night, then all of a sudden he was verbally abusive towards me, nothing personal to me, just belittling me the way you could belittle anyone. Then he hung up on me and I spent an hour calling him and he would answer the phone and not say anything. Finally I told him to let me leave him a voicemail (we didn't talk, I wasn't even sure he was listening, however he NEVER turned off his cell phone, he would answer when I called (not saying anything) and then hang up on me in mid-sentence.) He has never acted like this and I was concerned. I'm not sure how stable he is. I worry about what is going on with him and I want to be supportive but I will NOT be in an abusive relationship. I think I'm going to stop by his work on my lunch break, just to make sure he is there and, well...alive. I don't really want to talk to him, and I don't know if he wants to talk either, but I know that I will not talk to him until I get an apology for the way he treated me last night. I know that his outburst had nothing to do with me. I just don't know what the best way to approach this is, without giving the impression that I'm not offended by the way I was treated last night. I know I will straight up tell him that I will not talk to him until I get an apology...but other than that, I want to be supportive to whatever it is that is going on...
  3. Has anyone here been verbally emotionally abused after a breakup? My ex is focussing on the immediate aftermath of the split where we argued via txt msgs. She won't allow closure and instead is abusive to me when we see each other. Due to this I have decided not to see her, i.e. NC. TBH, i now see she was abusive in the 4 weeks before the split, I just didn't pay too much attention to it because i was in love. It was as if she went through a phase of devalueing me before she got ready to split. Any of this sound familiar? I'm still trying to get over it
  4. I look at the cuts on my wrists and see, the pain, rejection being hurt constantly. The emotional abuse, and same lines I hear, I feel so ugly it's perfectly clear. My heart's been broken, torn, ripped out and shattered. but who really cares. I walk in the shadows I cower in fear, but no one understands the pain that I feel, the pain that's so real. My cuts tell a story, but as you can see, the cuts on my wrists are just a part of me. Musicguy © Dec.2008
  5. My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me over 2 months ago. Her main reasons for doing so were because during our relationship I displayed a lot of emotional abuse towards her. Even though I believe she played a part in that, that isn't the issue now. I really want her back. For 2 months now, I have done a complete turnaround in my attitude towards her. I treat her like a queen. Call her, compliment her, do such sweet things for her, and respect her to the fullest. While I am being the perfect guy, she puts me down, and our future together. Every once in a while on the phone she tells me she doesn't think I can ever change my ways. She believes I will always be the mean guy she believes I always was. I think she just is afraid of giving me a second chance because she doesn't want to get hurt. A few weeks ago she said, "If I gave you another chance, you'd just be nice for 2 weeks, and then start being mean again...people like you don't change." But I love this girl so much, and I know if I can, I will marry her one day. She just doesn't believe I am for real, that I love her and will never hurt her, even though I have been smiling during the hurt she has been putting me through! I guess what I want to know is how can I show her I have changed? I have been so nice but it seems to backfire. Is it a matter of time? It's really hard to convice her. She cannot forget about my stupid mistakes. What can I do?
  6. My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me over 2 months ago. Her main reasons for doing so were because during our relationship I displayed a lot of emotional abuse towards her. Even though I believe she played a part in that, that isn't the issue now. I really want her back. For 2 months now, I have done a complete turnaround in my attitude towards her. I treat her like a queen. Call her, compliment her, do such sweet things for her, and respect her to the fullest. While I am being the perfect guy, she puts me down, degrades me, and never calls me. Every once in a while on the phone she tells me she doesn't think I can ever change my ways. She believes I will always be the mean guy she believes I always was. I think she just is afraid of giving me a second chance because she doesn't want to get hurt. She said the other day, "If I gave you another chance, you'd just be nice for 2 weeks, and then start being mean again...people like you don't change." But I love this girl so much, and I know if I can, I will marry her one day. She just doesn't believe I am for real, that I love her and will never hurt her, even though I have been smiling during the hurt she has been putting me through! I guess what I want to know is how can I show her I have changed? Is it a matter of time? It's really hard to convice her. What can I do?
  7. If anyone has the patience to read through this, please offer me some advice. I am very overwhelmbed right now and am not used to making such big decisions alone... I won't go into details about the nature of my separation from my husband since I already posted that in another thread; but right now I could use some advice about divorce proceedings. I am meeting with a lawyer on Wednesday and will begin the process of filing a complaint for divorce. I can file for no fault in NJ and be divorced within another 4 months, we've been separated for two already. However, I think if I don't file a complaint under a "fault" ground (adultery, emotional abuse, ect...) I give up my chance of ever getting an annulment (which with the years of emotional abuse, his drug addiction, and other issues) I may have grounds for. Then I have been doing research on mediation. Has anyone ever gotten divorced via mediation? Seems to be less costly but again I could not ever get an annulment. Part of me is worried that someone I may meet in the future will want to get married in a church or won't marry me without an annulment. I realize this is silly since I am divorcing so as to find someone who will love me for who I am not what they want from me...I am just really confused about the decisions I have to make and right now I feel very alone. Ultimately no one can make these decisions but me and it is overwhelming...
  8. Hello everyone I've been a member of this community for quite awhile, but I haven't posted very much. I've recently found myself in quite a dilemma, and I don't know where to turn. I'm 20 years old. During the summer, I began communicating with a man online. We clicked so well that we decided to meet. We met several weeks ago, having already spoken to each other for seven months. I can't even describe our meeting as anything but incredible. The physical chemistry was overwhelming, the emotional connection was fantastic- I can't explain it as anything other than the fact that, when we were together, it felt as though I was coming home. We have similar ethnic backgrounds, similar goals in life, and similar passions- so much just meshed so well and we were shocked that our meeting was so eventful. Since I returned, we've planned to visit each other and he's expressed his happiness at having made such a wonderful connection with me. It truly felt as though I'd known him my entire life. I've been in several serious relationships, including an emotionally abusive one, and nothing ever came close to how I feel about him. I know it's premature and early but....I feel as though lightning has struck. He's an amazing person. 2 problems: Not only do I live in Toronto and he lives in Boston (finishing up a graduate degree), but there's quite an age gap. I'm 20, and he's 31. I suppose the age gap isn't HUGE, but it's significant. We're both in school so even that isn't much of a problem in terms of having things in common. What should I do? How should I proceed in terms of a relationship? We've both made it clear that we want to be exclusive, but what are the possibilities of this actually working out? Can I trust him? Will he be tempted to be with someone who's closer? I've never been in an LD relationship, or one with such an age gap. I'm at a loss. It's not something I'd normally even consider getting into, but we just seem so compatible that I can't NOT give it a shot. I'd appreciate any advice! Thank you!!
  9. I'm not trying to be a smarty or anything,but my question is why should people even get married?I read on here all the time that people act this way or that way and it's emotional abuse,I'm sure glad people don't throw around rape and other offenses like that.Maybe the person screaming foul should look at themselves and wonder what they might have done to make this person act this way,women are usually the ones that say this not trying to pick on anyone but it seems to be the norm.Maybe men arent very good at communicating and when someone has done things we may seem like we blow it off but in reality it gets bottled up and resentment starts to build up,I just think if people did try to communicate more and not hold everything in until you get so angry at each other you forget how small the problems really are they just seem big because there are so many over so much time.Now I'm not saying there is no such thing as emotional abuse because there is,but I personally think alot of what is said on these forums is just a lack of communication,so I also would like to know how a good marriage is supposed to be.Everyone can say get out or there is no future in your marriage on here,but I would like to know what you think is a good marriage.I may get bashed for this,I hope not but I am curious to know what people think,and I hope I haven't offended anyone.
  10. So this is going to be a long post. So I have now known my ex for a few years (We are both in high school- I'm a senior and she is a junior) and we started really talking about a year ago. I was in a very bad relationship at the time, and eventually got up the guts to break that one off. (Best decision of my life) Well, Lindsey had been interested in me for a while, but I already knew I didn't want to use her as rebound- I could tell she deserved much better than that. This was odd, because although she and I had a lot of chemistry I wanted to be single and recover from an emotionally abusive relationship. She was more than understanding about this this, and waited patiently for me to heal and be ready. I am thankful that she was so wonderful about the situation, and was always perfectly hinest about how I felt. I told her how attracted I was to her, but that I didn't want to use her as a rebound. It hurt her a little, but she thanked me for the respect. So we started on a good honest foot, and we eased into things. We gradually became an "ideal" high school sweetheart relationship. Things ran their course, and we grew close. She made me feel like I belonged, and I feel I did the same for her. I treated her like a queen, and she treated me like a king. Life was wonderful, and our relationship was healthy. We each had separate lives, and NEVER argued about anything. That was odd because we are quite diffent, although it felt more like a "Yin- Yan" situation than a clash. We just clicked, and things were amazing. We both entered the relationship virgins, and when the time came, the moment happened. It was wonderful for us both. Candlelight, afterglow, no regret. It brought us closer, and we eventually became best friends. Our relationship was, of course, based on friendship, but this felt even closer. I trusted her completely, and she and I told each other things we had told no one else. A bit of my history. I had been in a year- long relationship before Lindsey. It was terrible, with constant fighting and a lot of misery. I always felt insufficient and hated being around her. I had originally felt like I loved her but soon realised that that wasn't true. When I broke up with her, I felt no regret of the break. I was happy, and in fact didn't want her in my life at all anymore. I talked to a lot of people, and got a resounding "good job" from everyone I explained the situation to. So I have a bit of dumping experience, and sort of understand the perspective. Now for a little history of her. She had never been in a long relationship before, and had only had "puppy love" dates and such. Her family life was not exactly good, her father as and still is emotionally abusive. The remarkable thing is that as she grew up in this environment, she made herself wonderful to make him wrong, and she did a damn good job. She saw things in a helthy way, and talked about things when the situation got rough. More to this story- Ill post the rest right now
  11. Here is a site that I found that offers CLEAR definitions of emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and child neglect. It clearly tells you the difference between normal parental care and abuse. Very useful if you are unsure if you were abused or not. It also has stories and lots of other interesting things. link removed
  12. my gf and i met at the same college last school year and we've been going on since. shes great and wonderful. I think her parents emotionally abuse her. She doesn't have a car or a way to travel and for her to go to college is about a 500 mile drive. They didn't want to make the trip so i offered. she wants to go to this college really badly, and they refuse to support her because she only agreed one year and that was it no more. she was home schooled by her family. they feel that her going will "corrupt" her. this college is a christian college btw. she brought it up to her dad the first time he laughed at her and said that he wants to go to hawaii but that isn't going to happen and hung up the phone. now she tells them that she wants to go back and he responds by saying "If you leave don't ever come back her again" he threatens to disown her. that means she couldn't even visit for the holidays he says stuff well if you want to leave so bad then hurry up and do it now since thats what you want."just take all your stuff cause what is left gets trashed" he wont support her choice to go. he also has said "so when are you going to call your bf to tell him the good news.....that you aren't going" he wants her to stay at home and take a couple of years of to "help her mom cook and clean around the house." he basically wants her to stay at home until she is married and then go on from there. he believes that women should stay in the home i want to go down and get her but apparently he made a phone call to the school and i have no idea what happened as a result, her mom has supported her dad by saying if you go you will lose a father. he apparently tried to call me but i was unable to answer. i dont know what to do about this situation....she has a right to have a life that is not controlled. but if i get her she looses her dad. what should i do. the only way for her to do what she wants is me driving to down to get her and then take her up provided that her dad didn't have her unenrolled. what can i do to get her out of here
  13. My mother doesn't understand that she's emotionally abusive to me. I try to explain to her that what she says to me when she's unhappy makes me unhappy, as well, but she tells me that I'm only twenty and she's done her best for me and I have no right to be sad. She harasses me about simple things like mistakes doing chores and becomes absolutely livid when I'm sick, because she's always sick and I should just learn how to suck it up and deal with being sick. I know I need to get away from her before I kill myself, but I don't have the money to go anywhere, on my own. I work a part-time job and could possibly live in a one-bedroom apartment, or with roommates on that money, but I live in South Mississippi and there's nowhere to go now that so many people have moved into my town after Hurricane Katrina. I can't make her understand that she's making me hate myself, and I have to admit that sometimes she's a really nice person, but it can't be normal to want to die at least three weeks out of every month. Someone please give me advice on how to deal with my mother or move out. I feel like I may have something good to give to the world if I can get myself back into college and away from my mom. I was a good student in high school and a happy child.
  14. I have read so many books over many years on verbal and/or emotional abuse and they all say it is something that happens in private. No witness' to side with victim and abuser can continue on in public as the ultimate "good guy". None of this is the case for me. I am with someone who does the quiet insults when we are in public. In private he hides in the bedroom and makes faces at me and my grown kids behind our backs (vey infintile). But boy when we are in public he makes such a scene and afterwards I have to deal with everyone who knows us asking if I am alright and then trying to explain that they (my friends) won't come up to me and talk if he is around because they don't want to upset him. Now a week ago he did try to punch me but was stopped and removed from the establishment. I think his problem is that he needs to be the center of attention at all times, especially my attention. All is well as long as I talk to noone the minute I begin to talk to people he has been witnessed by several others as rolling his eyes, mumbling very rude inappropriate comments and getting more and more mad at me.What should a person do in this situation? And is it common for the abuse to happen in public?
  15. Ok I already have gotten over this a while ago till I read some posts here, I decided to post this. It's on how I would be criticize by my mother for being withdrawn, shy and lacking social skills as a kid and early adolescent. It would be like "You cna't really communicate can't you" or "You dodn't really know what to say cna't you" and she would have a sad look on her face. Instead of helping me develop more skills, it got me worst and worst at it from year to year. At first it wans't insults nor her getting angry, but her being sad and actually crying about it. Was in Elementary school at the time and no friends, getting teased every single day. Off course I didn't told her about the teasings, why bother, only to her her cry or say "Oh wut are we gonna do now, guess your father will have to come to school", nope, not her, she would go nuts with it. I never tod that and won't. By the time I turn 15, from then on, it did get to insults and off course I would talk back to her, even call her a " * * * * *" one and "I hope you die already". Off course in high school, my life change, hardly any teasing left, no more of it, did made some friends. Then yea, still was shy, still lack social skills. But mom was now getting more angry than sad over it, she was like "Oh you can't talk can't you", or "I bet you don't even know what to say, you'll never suceed in society like that" or "Can't you TALK, TALK GIRL, TALK". The worst thing was getting compare to another person. For example if one my friend was outgoing and already in a relation she would say "Look at your friends, I bet she knows how to act, isn't withdrawn like you, etc. and kepp pn with the stupid comparison. Seriously instead of helping me it would get me mad and almost wanting to cry out. I did resented her for a while over it and yes my communication with her has decrease a lot, very much. I guess she didn't mean to do that on purpose. After this, she would say she was sorry and only meant it for my good, so I can improve on my social skills, change for the better, I guess I kinda still resent that. So what if I wasn't outgoing nor talkatative by nature like her, if she had no suggestions on improving myself, she should have shut up with that already. The off course I overcame this on my own, she did nothing to help it. I would consider this emotional abuse, but I dunno, was this really abuse??
  16. i am going through a recent break up and it hurts like hell. i know it's for the best. we had an unhealthy relationship and i always knew at the back of my mind i wasn't going to end up with him. although we cared for each other, we were incompatible and we found it hard to get through to each other. our relationship has become emotionally abusive and draining. now that it's over, i know it's the right decision. but still, i miss him so darn much. time seems to drag on forever. although i am able to function at work, i am able to eat and sleep normally, i just feel so lonely. i am consumed by thoughts of him and the future that we will never have. i am sadenned by the fact that from hereon, we will lose that closeness we once had. one day, he will be a mere stranger. i just want to vent it out because the pain is just too much to bear on my own....
  17. I think that I was emotionally abused by my ex. My mother and brother think that I was and that I wouldn't accept. I've had older brother, people have always told me I'm head strong, and I always yelled at my bf when he was a jerk, but people seem to think I was emotionally abused. How do I know if I was?
  18. I've posted in other forums about this person I've been involved with on and off for the past ten months. I know I cannot go on this way and now think I don't want to bring in the new year in this situation, but it would help me if I got a reality check. First off, I am not perfect. I have a bipolar condition and drink alcohol which I am not supposed to be doing. There have been a few times I "lost it" with him, at times I was drinking, at times I was not. Only once did I REALLY lose it, and it's when he insisted on coming over after he'd told me he didn't want to see me that weekend. So, he's never hit me, although last night he did violently slam my car door very hard. I'd been sick all week and agreed to drive over to his side of town so he could buy some Christmas presents (I am the one with the Costco card) He ended up buying one bottle of cognac for his coworker and it was obvious that is all he wanted me for last night, as he had to go to other errands, in spite of his telling me we'd go to the mall together. What provoked his anger is that I started crying and he thought what I felt was stupid. I told him I thought he took me for granted and he lost it. This seems to happen on a weekly basis, only the circumstances change. In ten months he's taken me to dinner once -- and then at the casino buffet. I've cooked for him MANY times. I don't mind it, as I like to cook, but it would be nice to get out of this house. I'd been begging him to take me to a lake North of here for six months, and he finally did. We were there for half an hour and "had to leave to get back to town," but of course we had to stop at the casino, which resulted in a huge blow out fight. I didn't have cash and asked him to loan me $8 and he got angry and told me to use the ATM. He'd loaned me $12 and I was just asking for the eight remaining. I told him I'd pay him back the $20 as soon as we got into town, but he said no and that I should know better than to leave the house without cash. I am not forbidden to ever go to the casino with him, going forward, but I hate them anyway and don't gamble. I gave him a beautiful ring for his birthday, that I had had, as he really likes jewlery and made him a really nice dinner. When my birthday rolled around 5 months later he didn't even call me, so I called him. He says he didn't forget, but we'd been fighting so why should he call me. He ended up hanging up on me that night. In fact, he's hung up on me quite a few times, most recently tonight as I brought up my BD, and he blamed me for how things went. He didn't answer the phone when I called him back and, of course, I am forbidden from calling him after 9 pm, as his roommate has that rule. He doesn't have a cell phone so here I sit with all of this inside. He tells me he'll take me to dinner when I stop bugging him to take me to dinner and that it will be on his terms and his timing. I asked him a month ago if we could go and he said no. A couple of nights ago he said he knows a place at the mall (mall we were supposed to go to last night) to take me out to dinner, and that he will as I haven't said anything about dinner lately. Who knows if this will ever happen. My mother hates him, my best friend hates him. I am tired of my mother asking me if he's ever going to take me out and asking me if I'm up for a lifetime of cooking and his going to the casino. My girlfriend asks me if I ever got a card or anything for my BD or if he's ever done the flower thing and of course the answer is no. He blames me for what they think of me and says I only tell them the bad stuff. He tells me that mental illness runs in families and circles and that he has never had any issues. Hard to argue with someone who works in mental health who has never even seen a therapist. In short, everything is my fault and I have to fix everything. If I could stop wondering if this is emotional abuse and just get some feedback from objective people, that might help me know what to do. I don't want to think I am some whiny and demanding spoiled brat (which he has accused me of being on several occasions). Honestly, I'd be thrilled if he just asked me out on a Saturday night to some hole in the wall. He is set in his ways and I think he is just cheap, at times. It's like he won't spend $10 on me, yet has no problem feeding anywhere between $100 to $200 to those slot machines. I've told him groceries cost money and once in a while he's brought over something from a food bank and he does buy an occasional bottle of wine -- very occasionally. I guess the kicker is I quit my job a month ago and had finally come to a place where I was ok with the concept of moving out of state, as I am not happy where I live. All of a sudden he changed his tune and after one month, I think he is reverting to who he was before. At any rate, sorry for the length, but I am trying to be fair and share as much info as necessary but not more than needed. Any thoughts/opinions are welcome.
  19. My best friend, O, and her husband are expecting their first child in March. I've been noticing lately that he hasn't been treating her with the utmost respect and I wonder if I should step in and say something. I've known her since we were six years old and she's like a sister to me. I don't like knowing that her husband may be mentally/emotionally abusing her. I'm really confused about what to do. I don't want her to think I'm prying into her personal life. I'd appreciate some advice. Example: A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I hosted a poker night at my house and invited O and P over. Before the game, I brought out some refreshments for everyone and noticed that O was eating very little. "Aren't you hungry?" I asked her. She nodded slowly and darted an almost fearful look at P, and responded, "Yes, but I don't want to eat too much because someone called me a fat whale today." I was shocked. I looked disbelievingly at her husband and asked him why he would ever say such a thing to any woman, much less a pregnant woman. He insisted that he'd been joking, but I shot back that obviously she took it pretty seriously if she wasn't eating. He changed the subject and the game soon began. Now, O's husband, P, is very competitive and a sore loser, especially when it comes to poker. At some point in the game, he made a lousy bet and O called his bluff. She ended up winning half of his chips. Just a game, right? Apparently, P didn't like it at all. He exploded. He screamed at her in front of us all. "DAMMIT, PREGGERS!" he shouted, "WHY'D YOU CALL IT? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUTT IN?!" He sounded like a raving maniac. I told him to calm down- that it was just a game and that she hadn't broken any rules. He continued right on shouting. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY! SO WHY DO YOU BOTHER?!" At this point, my boyfriend was getting annoyed and boomed, "You must suck pretty badly at this game if you just lost to a person who doesn't even know how to play!" That shut P up for the rest of the evening. The whole while, O looked as if she wanted to cry. I felt awful. I have no idea what's going on with her husband. He never used to be this way. Is this "father-to-be" type pressure that's unhinging him or is it something else? O had recently told me that they've been getting into arguments over the fact that they can't have sexual relations due to doctor's orders and that P recently took up his old marijuana habit again. Is it the weed that has him acting out, you think? I'm just worried that one day he'll snap and hit her or something. I hope it never comes to that, but even so, no one should be made to suffer through all that mental/emotional abuse he's throwing at her. What do you guys think I should do? Talk to O, or back off and mind my own business?
  20. I was dating a wonderful girl for the past two months. She's 38, recently divorced. I'm 40, divorced 4 years ago. She was emotionally abused during her 8 years of marriage and finally separated from him in Feb of 06. Her divorce was final in Aug. We started dating in Oct and it was full steam ahead for the two of us. We were looked at as the perfect couple in everyone's eyes. Even after only two months, people we saying that we would be married sometime in 07. We were always together, doing new things, laughing, and enjoying a wonderful relationship. At the beginning of Dec, she told me she didn't want to rush things, but she knew she wanted to marry me. I told her that if things continued to go as they have, I felt the same way. Long story short, the past two weeks she has been very distant. The phone calls have slowed down, she's not as affectionate, and just not the same. When I would ask her about this, she would tell me she just needs to figure some things out. Well last night I get a phone call from her best friend. She tells me that "my girlfriend" has been seeing her "x" husband again. This is the same guy that abused her, stole her self esteem, took her money, and one time held a gun to her head. I knew these things and always made a point to tell her how wonderful she was, how beautiful she was, and always put her on a pedestal. I would do ANYTHING for this girl and she knows it. I know I'll never understand the mindset of an emotionally abused woman, but this just blows me away. Someone please help me make sense of all this.
  21. Well this is like my 10th post about my ex and we are hitting on 4 months now since we broke up. She is going to be going over to the UK later on in this year and i cant get the thought out of my head that shes going to meet up with so many guys she met on the internet. She was very pretty and for some reason she liked me. She accepted me for who i am... im a pretty hairy guy (even though im only 18 and still gettin harier) and it didnt phase her one bit. Theres alot of other things about me but she didnt care. She did accept me for who i am but we have a very emotionally abusive relationship. I keep on thinkin bout her with these uk guys and never finding anyone who will accept me for me. help me out one more time, please?
  22. i get so sick and disgusted at myself because i cave in easily to pressure. it's like i have no backbone, well, rather my backbone is so weak that i just do what people want to please them and make them happy without thinking about what i want and my own needs. i try so hard to be nice and to give....i've done some sick and gross things that i didnt want to do but gave in to because of the pressure. particularly some sexual stuff...when i think about it i feel deeply ashamed. this is especially after the abuser. he erased my identity, robbed my of dignity. and i was always always fighting against all the pressure, pain and hurt he put upon me. when i met other ppl after him, i caved easily into their pressure, especially if it was the same type of pressure. the same type of abusive, hurtful punishing, do-as-i-say-right-now-you-arent-allowed-to-do-what-you-want pressure, i caved in really easily to that and didnt stand up for myself. especially with men. it makes me sick and tired and grossed out at myself. to have come out of a bad situation like that only to cave in to the same type of pressure, the same types of abuse, and to injure myself and not protect myself. i had to write this out. because im never doing anything i dont want to do ever again. i will never cave into pressure or do something to please other ppl. i will only do what i want to do and what i think is right, correct, and morally acceptable according to my own standards. i will not be manipulated, used, abused, vulnerable, so open, naive, stupid, pressured, hurt, or tormented by shame, rage, anger and psychological, mental, emotional abuse and hurt again. never again. i will tear the person who tries to inflict anything upon me from limb to limb before one hair on my head is ever touched again. so help me god.
  23. So, after much searching, I've finally found a guy I have a bit of interest in; this brings up a lot of questions for me... I had a first good two relationships, then I had a really bad one, moved to the east coast with him, i was pathetic and suicidal, came back, we were best friends for a while, though we only talk occasionally now. then, i had a relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive to me, followed by a subsequent "dating" with a guy that couldn't possibly care less about me that lasted for maybe two months, with lots of drama ending it. When I look back on this I get a sudden feeling of anxiety in my stomach. Am I incapable of a relationship? Is it something inherent in me? I feel so sick just thinking about it... I feel like I've learned a lot from my experiences, namely not to give myself up to a guy I'm with well emotionally, and definitely physically, at least for a while (I don't know how long). I know that what I've done by dating this people has caused a sort of PTSD worse than that I attained in my childhood with my abusive parents. It's scary, I think in all other aspects other than the most personal and intimate of relationships, I'm totally normal, capable, strong, lots of people compliment me on how fantastic I seem given the circumstances I grew up in, but in terms of my relationships, I look back on them and they went all wrong... Has anyone else felt the same way?? And that has also been in a relationship that was good after all that?
  24. Hi. I really don't know how to say this, but I'm shaking (and having trouble typing!) and could definitely use some support/advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2+ years. I didn't now that he was an alcoholic until we were a few months into the relationship--he hid it from me well, but it got worse about a half a year into the relationship, and it's still just as bad--if not worse. I wrote a few-hundred-word rant right here, but I deleted it (it's been a while, and I just talked to someone), so I'm going to make it short: I feel upset 50% of the time, almost, because of my boyfriend. He treats me horribly sometimes, but usually only over the phone, and usually only at night. It seems like he tries to only drink when he's at home (away from me) at night, but then he'll take his anger out on me over the phone. It upsets me very much (no one else in my life has treated me as badly as he has at times) and I didn't think that I could take it, but I still thought that I loved him and because he'd usually be nice the next day, I somehow "ignored", persay, it for 2+ years. Maybe I became numb to it, I don't know. Sometimes I think our relationship ended the first time he did it, because it upset me and I became depressed and no longer willing to do little things that would remind me of our relationship (I took down pictures of us together that day years ago). He upset me this week and I told him that I was depressed and that he upset me and he didn't seem to care. I brought it up three times on different days (one day I skipped it because I didnt want to start an argument...I always do this...let something he did hurt me because I dont want to bring it up and start another argument or cause more trouble or upset him at all), I usually just let it hurt me. Well today I was still upset and thinking "maybe I should try to talk to him" since I was feeling very sad, but then I talked myself into not saying anything. I said to myself "he's being nice right now, maybe I should just pretend he never hung up on me or treated me badly the other day...I'll forgive him by not saying anything about it...I'll put it past me" so I did, I put it past me. But tonight he started acting like a *** again. Yelling at me over the phone for no reason at all, ahgning up on me, starting arguments over nothing and treating me in a way that even with my low self esteem I still know I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED. I let people walk over me but I know when to draw the line, so I told him "I'm feel very ill, I need to go" because I've never hung up on him but couldnt talk any longer because he was upsetting me too much and my heart was racing. he refused to hang up so i kept telling him i didnt feel well and that i needed to hang up. finally we hung up, he called back and i felt bad not answering so i did, thinking he might be calling to appologize (why do i think that lately? all he ever calls for is to make me feel worse), but he just made me feel much worse and now here i am. he tried to call at least five more times since then and i didnt answer because i cant take it anymore if hes calling to treat me like that again. i just dont even want to talk to him ever again now, and i dont know what to do. i dont know how to end it. please help me........i really dont know what do . i tried to break up with him before and he told me he'd never ever do it again (upset me over the phone or drink and treat me like crap) but he did do it again. when i tried to break up with him he cried in my arms and said he didnt know what hed do without me, but he makes me feel so horrible and i cant be with him. i dont know how to end it. i really dont. its like he wont let me. i feel so horrible right now....
  25. From the Book "When Men Batter Women" By Jacobson and Gottman. Emotional abuse-Degradation 1. My partner tries to catch me at inconsistencies to show I'm lying. never rarely occasionally very often 2. My partner tries to convince other people that I'm crazy. never rarely occasionally very often 3. My partner tells other people that there is something wrong with me. never rarely occasionally very often 4. My partner says things to hurt me out of spite. never rarely occasionally very often 5. My partner has told me that I am sexually unattractive never rarely occasionally very often 6. My partner tells me that I am sexually inadequate. never rarely occasionally very often 7. My partner insults my religious background or beliefs. never rarely occasionally very often 8. My partner insults my ethnic background. never rarely occasionally very often 9. My partner insults my family. never rarely occasionally very often 10. My partner talks me into doing things that make me feel bad. never rarely occasionally very often 11. My partner tells me that no one else would ever want me. never rarely occasionally very often 12. My partner humiliates me in front of others. never rarely occasionally very often 13. My partner makes me do degrading things. never rarely occasionally very often 14. My partner questions my sanity. never rarely occasionally very often 15. My partner tells other people personal information or secrets about me. never rarely occasionally very often 16. My partner swears at me. never rarely occasionally very often 17. My partner verbally attacks my personality. never rarely occasionally very often 18. My partner has insulted me by telling me that I am incompetent. never rarely occasionally very often 19. My partner ridicules me. never rarely occasionally very often 20. My partner forces me to do things that are against my values. never rarely occasionally very often 21. My parnter questions whether my love is true. never rarely occasionally very often 22. My partner compares me unfavorably to other partners. never rarely occasionally very often 23. My partner intentionally does things to scare me. never rarely occasionally very often 24. My partner threatens me physically during arguments. never rarely occasionally very often 25. My partner warns me that if I keep doing something violence will follow. never rarely occasionally very often 26. Our arguments escalate out of control. never rarely occasionally very often 27. I'm worried most when my partner is quiet. never rarely occasionally very often 28. My partner drives recklessly or too fast when he is angry. never rarely occasionally very often Here's how to find out if you've been abused through degradation. Give yourself 1 point for every "never" circled, 2 points for every "rarely" cirled, 4 points for every "occasionally" circled, and 5 points for every "very often" circled. If you scored between 73-94 you are being emotionally abused through isolation. Higher, then it is more severe. Emotional Abuse -Isolation. Read each statement, and circle the word that best describes the frequency with which each behavior occurs. 1. I have to do things to avoid my partner's jealousy never rarely occasionally very often 2. My partner tries to control whom I spend my time with. never rarely occasionally very often 3. My partner disapproves of my friends. never rarely occasionally very often 4. My parner does not believe me when I talk about where I have been. never rarely occasionally very often 5. My partner complains that I spend too much time with other people. never rarely occasionally very often 6. In social situations my partner complains that I ignore him. never rarely occasionally very often 7. My partner is suspicious that I am unfaithful. never rarely occasionally very often 8. My partner acts like a detective, looking for clues that I've done something wrong. never rarely occasionally very often 9. My partner accuses me of flirting with other people. never rarely occasionally very often 10. My partner checks up on me. never rarely occasionally very often 11. My partner keeps me from going places I want to go. never rarely occasionally very often 12. My partner keeps me from doing things I want to do. never rarely occasionally very often 13. My partner says I act too seductively. never rarely occasionally very often 14. My parnter keeps me from spending time at the things I enjoy. never rarely occasionally very often 15. My partner threatens to take the car keys if I don't do as I am told. never rarely occasionally very often 16. My partner threatens to take the money if I don't do as I am told. never rarely occasionally very often 17. My partner threatens to take the checkbook if I don't do as I am told. never rarely occasionally very often 18. My partner prevents me from leaving the house when I want to. never rarely occasionally very often 19. My partner disables the phone to prevent my using it. never rarely occasionally very often 20. My partner disables the car to prevent my using it. never rarely occasionally very often 21. My partner threatens to pull the phone out of the wall. never rarely occasionally very often 22. My partner forcibly tries to restrict my movements. never rarely occasionally very often 23. My partner acts jealous. never rarely occasionally very often 24. My partner keeps me from spending time with the people I choose. never rarely occasionally very often Here's how to find out if you've been abused through isolation. Give yourself 1 point for every "never" circled, 2 points for every "rarely" cirled, 4 points for every "occasionally" circled, and 5 points for every "very often" circled. If you scored between 51-67 you are being emotionally abused through isolation. Higher, then it is more severe.
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