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  1. My boyfriend (19M) and I (19F) are now long distance due to going home for summer. We are used to not texting each other pretty much all day because we know we will see each other the next day in class, but now that we’re long distance, that isn’t working for me. I expressed to him that he needs to text me more or something because I get a text from him at 5pm and then we ft for a couple hours at night. I want to hear from him more in the day, so I told him that I would like him to text me in the morning. I do text first, A LOT, and if I don’t, I get the text at 5pm. Am I overrating? I don’t think I am because we are now long distance and I can’t just say “see you tomorrow,” it’s now, “see you in a couple weeks.” Whenever I have brought this up to him, he just brushes me off kind of or says that I’m saying he’s a bad boyfriend and not trying (which I’m not! I just want him to text me more! is that too much to ask ???) and says “so you want to text all day and then facetime for 5 hours at night?” and I’m like no, I never said that. But then, he says he’ll try harder. I feel like I shouldn’t be asking him to text me, I feel like it should be a given. If he wanted to text me, he would, so? He also says he’s really giving 100%, and I believe him, but his 100% cannot be the same as it was in school, things are different now. He also kind of has this high school relationship mindset where a relationship should come with no problems and if there are problems then he gets upset or doesn’t really want to hear it. I’ve told him that i’m not close to breaking up yet, not even close, but if this continues the whole damn summer, then it’ll be too hard.... So, Help! Please! PS I don’t think he’s hiding anything from me or anything, I just wanna communicate with him more during the day. also i have some lowkey trust/abandonment issues because as a child i was abandoned then adopted so im going see someone about that lol but that is a factor i think
  2. Okay - question time: I have tried to rekindle things with my ex. It's been rocky to say the least. He reached out to me after being dumped by his girlfriend late Jan 2020 (I had been in NC since October 30th). I determined I wouldn't make the same mistakes as before - given that we're long distance - I committed to actually seeing him in person. I succeeded in visiting him twice. Both times - they were rough. We had our differences. I had difficulties dealing with his hot and cold behaviours. It was really hard on me. He admitted that he was being mean to me - and felt bad about it. However, I understood that he has trust issues with me - so I tried my best to find all the patience in the world to deal with his behaviours. We even fooled around a bit. He has admitted that I've become a lot better in dealing with 'difficult' conversations. Whatever requests he wants - I try my best to fulfill. He says I can't say certain words to him 'ex: the words never or always' - as they are trigger words for him and he'll hang up the phone or yell at me. I correct my language around him so as to diminish his triggers and not upset him. I don't yell, scream etc at disagreements. I practice a lot of my work that I've done in therapy = I listen, try to hear him and HONOR his narratives. Anyways - fast forward to now. I have the opportunity to stay with him for an extended amount of time to continue working on things = rare opportunity! He was open to the idea, then not, then open again - then shut it down. He didn't really respond to my phone calls. Then after I sent a few lengthy messages about being excited to work on things etc - his only response "I need space until October 9th" (He said he's got a major work commitment and doesn't have the mental energy to deal with working on a relationship etc) I have given him his space. It's been over a week of not talking to him (and we'd talk every day). Is he seeing someone else? Is it over? He told me in a convo RIGHT BEFORE he asked for space that I should remain hopeful and optimistic about us working on things. Now this? It's so hot and cold. I don't know WHAT I DID to change his behaviour within 1 day from being excited to work on things to not wanting to see me at all. So - what do you folks think? I'm really hurt and confused. However - I'm honouring his wishes and not bothering him. If he contacts me, that's great. If not - I guess I move on? I just want some perspectives on here - why even bother saying he needs space? Why not just straight up say - I'm done. Good luck. Don't contact me again?
  3. Ok so it's been almost 9 years since I came on here, it just popped in my head.. enotalone! SO I've been with my bf for a year now, and we are still getting to know eachother's quirks and feeling each other out since we were doing long distance for most of our relationship. The issue I'm having is that, he is a great, warm, loving boyfriend, sweet and sings to me and is silly. He is such a genuinely good person, and I feel like the lucky one. But he is also a super laid back football player type that will kiss me in public but I have to initiate it usually. I always seem to interpret his laidbackness as rejection of me. What can I do to be able to receive his love the way he is showing it to me rather than always feeling let down if he's not all over me every second? I usually end up pouting and saying something like "you don't care about me" blah blah blah, I cringe at myself after lol. I need advice! I just love him so much. Like the undeniable, forever type of love, like I just want to be with him all the time and take a bite out of him love. help
  4. I wrote a little bit about this in another post but I am here for more advice. Here's the last post for context: https://www.enotalone.com/topic/444735-a-sudden-change-in-long-distance/ My boyfriend visited me in the midwest at the end of February and I felt a little different probably because I keep pushing him away. However, he made me so happy again and it was so much fun. It felt good to be together even if it was different. I just found out that he is 99% sure he is moving out west and I am still unsure whether we should date into the summer. He wants to stay together but understands that is selfish because not only does he get to move out to the west for his pilot training, but he also gets to keep me as a girlfriend who he can facetime while he's by himself out west. However, I am short changed. I stay up at night thinking about what to do (I feel ridiculous doing so, it started as a high school relationship that I knew was not going to last forever) and I am get very sad at night. Do I stay in this relationship and enjoy all the facetimes and see him the 4-6 weeks over the summer and be sad when he's away like I am right now or do I break up with him now, take a month of not talking to each other to heal, and then go forward as friends? Keep in mind, I would like to break up right before school starts next semester because I owe time to myself to meet other people and just be single. Though the idea of breaking up kills me. I really do not want to and neither does he. He also suggested taking a week to try and be friends. This means no saying I love you, no good morning/night texts, no more calling me amazing, it would solely be platonic but we still get to facetime. Just to feel it out and mold our relationship into a friendship, we are both very mature and have had few to no issues in our 1 year+ of dating both long distance and while we were together. I know he loves me so much and would do anything to make this work, but he understands my concerns. I really don't know what to do, please help me.
  5. Y’all...I just really need to vent because I can’t even believe there are people out in the world who do this to other people. In early January, a guy messaged me on Facebook after I left a comment on his band’s Facebook page. We get to chatting and find out we have a lot in common. I’m recently divorced, but haven’t actively been dating. I figured if someone showed up in my life I would go with the flow. He lives 1000 miles away but is originally from where I live, and has plans to move back once he receives the COVID vaccination. He said he had only planned to stay out there for 6 months, but then the pandemic happened so it left him in a holding pattern. He tells me he moved out of the state after ending a 10 year relationship. So we had been communicating daily, and he came in pretty strong. Some of our conversations turned sexual. We shared photos and there was definitely a mutual attraction. He started future planning: told me how he wants to go camping with me, and have movie marathons, and that he can’t wait to meet me. He basically made it seem like we were each other’s soulmates. The whole time though, something just wasn’t sitting right with me. He wouldn’t talk on the phone, and would only communicate via Google hangouts (after we had moved the chats off Facebook messenger at his request). I kept thinking it was odd that he was waiting until he got vaccinated to move, seeing as plenty of people have moved during the pandemic. Due to my concerns and red flag alarms going off, I asked that we cease communication for the time being, but if he ended up visiting or moving back we could pick up from there. I told him I had been played in the past, so I was a bit on guard. He got really upset, told me I hurt him so bad and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to remain in contact. He was offended that I thought he was a player. I told him I didn’t want to get attached only to be disappointed if it turned out he never moves back. After some serious begging on his part, I agreed to remain friendly with him, but asked that he cut back on writing to me so that I don’t get my hopes up. I still wasn’t feeling right about the whole thing, so last week I decided to search his name on Facebook. I ended up finding pictures that he was tagged in - but these pictures were not displayed on his profile. Come to find out, he’s been in a relationship with a girl for over a year, she’s tagged him in a bunch of kissy lovey dovey photos, and it also appears he moved out of state to live with this girl! Her profile picture is of the two of them - and was updated a few days before he connected with me on Facebook. I was beyond furious, but decided to wait until he messaged me to let him have it. First thing the next morning he messaged me and I responded that I knew he had a girlfriend and that it was a really crappy thing for him to string me along while semi-cheating on this poor girl. I was polite but firm, saying I hope he finds what he’s looking for and that he should work on finding happiness within his current relationship. I then blocked him. But seriously what the hell? I honestly think he moved out of state to mooch off his current girlfriend, realized it’s not working out, and is now trying to move back here by buttering me up so he has a place to live. I just honestly cannot believe a 40 year old man would pull this kind of crap! I’m not hurt or broken, I’m just dumbfounded!
  6. I have been dating my boyfriend since half way through my senior year of high school. We just made it to our one year this January and are doing long distance in college. I go to school in the midwest and he goes to school on the west coast and we live in the same town in the midwest. Things went so well last semester and we did not even visit each other once. We were both fairly distracted as we acclimated to college life and it worked great. We would facetime daily and keep each other updated, it was healthy and enjoyable. We went home for winter break and I only saw him every other week. (Note: He is a pilot and has been working towards different licenses for our entire relationship. He was going back and forth between the west coast and the midwest to fly.) So, I was sad because I only got to see him for 3 weeks total and was not fulfilled with the amount of time I saw him for until the last time we hung out before he went back to school. We both left for school satisfied with our relationship. Within a month, I miss him more than ever and I thought that was my biggest issue. Here is the real issue: He just told me that he is getting a job on the west coast at an airport for the semester. Fine. He then tells me it is a 50/50 chance that he might have to work out there for the summer and if he does so, he is moving out there for good for at least the next 4 years. Over the summer though, he would come back for a few weeks here and there when I could see him, but ultimately he will be living out there. I see him the last weekend in February because he is visiting and he finds out if he is moving out there in March so this visit might be our last time together as a couple. Should I try and do long distance through the summer? I don't think we would get married but I do love him and I am just not ready to let go. I wonder if it's worth the few weeks of fun in the summer despite the exceedingly long amounts of time where he is in the west coast where I will miss him. I am also not interested in anyone else and probably would not seek another guy out if we break up.
  7. So, I (20 F) have been in a relationship for 4 years now and from the last 2 years its been a long distance relationship. My partner(20 M) is in the military and is undergoing training from the last 2 years and he has more 2 years of training left. So, as he is in his training period he is not allowed electronics which means he can't text or call or video call and he is also not allowed to come out of his training camp before the training camp is over. So, we just talk once a week for 10 mins as he gets to use the local phone for 10 mins once a week (but sometimes he calls once in two weeks and sometimes once in a month). And in the 2 years of LDR we met only twice. But , last year I met another guy and i felt attracted to him and wanted to date the other guy. But, it did not work out with the other guy so i cut full contact with him. I was really guilty so I confessed this to my military guy and he forgave me and said lets move on. But, currently I feel attracted to another guy but I do not want to do the same mistake again so I avoid talking to him. But now I feel like I want to breakup. I feel i just can't handle this anymore. Everything has changed from before. I was more happier before and now I just cry most of the times. Even after his training is over there is only a 10% chance we would be in the same city. (because our careers are different). So, it may be a long distance for many more years. I have seen that in military life girls have to be housewives most of the times and give up their careers or they have to be a single mother because the husband is far from home. And I don't want such a life. So, I am really confused I don't understand should I break up or not. I talked about all this to him he says that he doesn't want to break up, he says that I don't have to give up my career and dreams. He says it is his gut feeling everything will work out. (I feel he says all this so that I don't leave him). So, i am really confused if i should breakup because i feel i may regret it as he is a really great guy and he is like my best friend he cares a lot for me and really respects me, I sometimes feel I may not find someone like him. Any advice or experience you can share would be helpful 🙂
  8. Hi everyone, I'm sorry in advance if this turns out to be a long post or if it sounds overly emotional/confusing. I am in desperate need of advice and have no one to turn to. Right now, my mind is a mess..I am shocked, sad, and drowning in my own tears My story: I'm in a committed LDR for the past 4 years with my boyfriend. He lives in Texas and I'm in Canada. We have made frequent trips during that time as well as spoke on the phone (and internet) every day, multiple times a day for hours. He has already met my family and I flew to another country to meet his father. Since the beginning we have always talked about marriage, kids and spending our lives together. He was supposed to be "the one" for me. Yesterday I randomly ended up looking him up on a search engine. I had done this once when we were first dating, but it was more curiosity at that time. Last night it was for a silly reason of hearing on the news about identity theft and they recommended you should look up loved ones on a search engine to make sure no one has been using their info. And so that's what I did. I searched his email and came accross his FB profile. He had FB when we first were dating but said he rarely used it and I guess he made it difficult to search (wasn't able to find it the first time I looked).. And I'm not on FB so I wouldnt really be able to check otherwise. Anyway, there was his profile with one pic that I could see. I read the comment that someone left and it said " Nice pic! Congrats on the wedding to ****. Hope we can all go on a trip one day".....My mouth hit the floor. It hasn't left. I ended up staying up all night and found out through further googling and clicking on FB that his brother in law had posted pictures. And then I saw them.. There were 4 pictures of my boyfriend of 4 years with some other woman.. MARRIAGE PICTURES!! The date was Nov 23, 2012. I remember around that time he said he had to help his Dad with some business and also see his sister and brother in law (they all live in anther country. I haven't met his sister or brother in law btw as they live so far, but have spoken to them) and he said he was going to his cousin's wedding and he needed to go as he missed so many family weddings growing up. I stupidly believed him. I checked my old texts and he had written before he left, "I love you so much. I'll miss you and would much rather be coming to see you". He kept in touch through texts and we spoke a few times, but he said he had issues connecting his phone. Truthfully I don't even know where he got married or if he ever left, as the pics say Houston. And if he did get married how/why was he txting and calling me like nothing happened, telling me that he went to some relatives house and that he was helping with the cousins wedding etc??...I just can't understand any of this. The worst part of last night was seeing this other woman (this pretty doctor) and when I clicked on her profile she had a wedding picture of my bf, his father and her as her cover. I was able to click on the only 4 pictures I could see (because of privacy settings!) and they were all of the wedding. One was a picture of both of them at a club hugging. It was dated a few months ago, a couple weeks after my birthday. I literally collapsed on the floor after seeing all of this...shaking, crying, stunned. I pulled up old pictures of us together just to make sure this was him. I felt like I was going crazy and kept telling myself, that maybe this was some other guy who just really looked like him. But it wasn't. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare This past year has been hell on me since I have had some ongoing health issues, and I even briefly considered not being with him a few months ago as I didn't want to make his life harder because I was so sick. I stupidly have always thought of him. I have been 100% faithful to his man. I just can't understand how anyone can do this to someone. I couldn't even imagine doing this to my worst enemy. It's not like he had some arranged marriage, because he looks happy and he has always told me that he is an independent man. He had a past marriage that failed and during the first part of our relationship we spoke at length about what he went through and how she took him for a ride. (Who knows if that's true or not) I always was on his side about his role in his marriage and helped him through whatever traumas he had dealt with in his childhood (his mom and brother passed away when he was young). Our relationship has had some ups and downs like every relationship, but we were happy I thought. If there were ever times when we did fight, he always pushed for us to stay together. Ive even heard him cry on the phone about us always staying together..Were those even real tears or maybe just crocodile tears? Our last call yesterday he was telling me how excited he was to have children with me one day and he started asking me about how we should plan our future..where we wanted to live, etc. Im confused as to how can he be married to someone else and have a full relationship with me. Making me believe that we have this amazing future together when really I have nothing. Telling me each and every day that he's in love with me. Words which I really believed. I don't know if I became the other woman or was she dating him before me, and I'm the other woman. Whichever way it is, its absolutely horrible. I feel like the floor has fallen from under me. I have thought about flying to Houston so that I can find this other woman and tell her the truth about her supposed perfect husband. I know you may think it's wrong to do so, but my life has been destroyed by this so why should he be able to just continue with his with no repercussions. It's not something that I ever would like to do, as I'm sure she thinks the world of him too, but why should he just escape blame free??? Plus he's ruining her life too, by having this relationship with me. I have also thought of just showing up unannounced and seeing how he reacts and confronting him them. A part of me wants him to see the pain he has caused face to face because right now I feel disposable and like I'm toy that he's playing with and will one day just throw away. I love this man with all my heart..more than any one else I have ever loved. But this is the worst thing that someone you love can do to you. Sadly, I have been cheated on before, but never like this. And my boyfriend knew that I was cheated on previously and he always said he would take care of me so I never get hurt. All lies I guess I really don't know how I can move on from this.I feel like I can't believe in anyone anymore. I am imagining just closing myself from perpetual hurt and just living alone forever. I feel like its one bad relationship after the next. I don't even know if any of this relationship was real..was every moment we shared a lie??? I don't know why he has decided to continue to make me feel like he's my boyfriend and we have this perfect life together..I would have more respect for him if he has just broke it off with me before he decided to marry this girl. Actually I don't think I'll ever have respect for him. What should I do? Do I just confront him on the phone or should I travel there? Should I contact her? Please help!!!
  9. To make a long story short here we go.. My senior year of high school (2006-7) I dated a girl a year younger than me. We were our first boyfriends/girlfriends. We were our first makeout and foreplay. We didn't have sex, basically because she was scared of getting pregnant. We broke up because she thought I was being too serious and looking back I was your typical high school anger fueled jealous type. Shortly after our breakup he dad moved out. She got a new boyfriend a few months later, quickly had sex with him and basically went nuts with guys through college. Throughout all of this I was still there (big regret on my half.) We'd go to dinner, hangout, drink, etc. But nothing "happened" between us, she was the type that always had a boyfriend/sex buddy and it was never me. According to my friends I may have missed some "signs" along the way, but honestly I am the shy/anxious type and my confidence with her was pretty minimal. Her 21-23 birthdays come around and the only guy she invited was me. Around 2013 or so we're texting about meeting up and I'll be honest I was being passive, at one point she stated "you're always so timid with me" which looking back I don't know why someone who is just a friend would say that. Through the years her friends, and even her sister would say things to me like they wish we would give our relationship another chance, etc. We had a little spat around 2015 and didn't communicate from around Sept 2015-Sept 2019. Since 2014 I moved out of state and only visit "home" a couple times a year. During this time we were both in a serious "long term" relationship, which we both thought was heading to marriage. Last September my longtime girlfriend moved across the country and we started a long distance relationship. I was home visiting my parents and decided to ask my ex out to dinner/drinks. She agreed to it and we had a great night and got a little tipsy, at the end of the night we hugged, which was something we had never done before. Last December she turned 30 and she invited me to her birthday bash, but she gave me too short notice to change my travel plans. Turns out I would've been the only guy there who wasn't a spouse/boyfriend of one of her female friends at the party. Last month (August) I visited home and we went out to lunch. She had been asking for a few months when I would be visiting again so there would be no doubt we would meet up. Our lunch turned into about a 2.5-3 hour blast where once again laughed and talked the whole time and got a little tipsy. At the end we ended with a hug. I paid for everything (even though she objected) and later that afternoon I got a thank you text from her. Earlier this month (September) I visited home again and we went out to dinner. We were at the restaurant for about 3 hours laughing and drinking it up. Constant talking, no silence. I had asked her the dinner the night before but she stated she was too tired but then admitted she just ended up binge watching shows all night, I joked I should've came over and she said "you should have." At one point she stated I should've just picked her up for dinner instead of both of us driving. We ended the night, I paid (she objected), we hugged and went our own way. That night she texted me telling me she made it home and thanks for dinner. In the weeks since we've been constantly replying to our Instagram stories, not conversation, just little back and forth jabs. I'll be honest, I am not the most confident guy when it comes to women. I'm shy, quiet, and anxious. What does this seem like to you all? Just a couple of exes who will remain friends and are reminiscing, or two exes who want to see something happen?
  10. Seriously. For so long, I wasn't meeting anyone. Now, I AM meeting people, but there always, ALWAYS seems to be something in the way preventing anything from happening. Think I'm exaggerating? Here's the jist of my love life for the past two years: - Fall back in love with ex-boyfriend. He says he only wants something casual with me. - I ask a guy I've liked for ages out on date and tell him that I like him, he freezes up and literally says NOTHING. - My best friend falls hopelessly in love with me. I feel nothing for him whatsoever. - I meet someone AMAZING, who I am crazy about, and who feels the same way about me, but he is in a different country, and long-distance is not an option. - I develop a crush on a guy at work, who likes me also. He says nothing can happen because he doesn't want to hurt his friend, who is the aforementioned person who is in love with me. - A crazy girl in college sabotages my chance with a nice guy who likes me, because she hates seeing any other girl in the class get any attention from guys. Literally, that's it. There's always SOMETHING out of my control that prevents me from getting into a steady relationship. I've been single for nearly three years now, and it#s getting me down. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I'm honestly beginning to believe there is a curse on this area of my life, that someone up there doesn't want this to happen for me
  11. I (27, nb) have gone through a lot of big changes this past year. Ive found something I am extremely passionate about, good at and has helped grow my confidence immensely as a person. I also ended up meeting someone (27, m) a little over a year ago and fell madly in love with them. They currently live halfway across the country from me. I have struggled a LOT with being able to balance my passion and having an LDR but when we would visit eachother it felt so perfect. Ive been through a string of awful abusive relationships ever since I started dating and have a lot of familial trauma. I for the first time not only was with someone who made me feel safe, treated me well and felt like they genuinely loved and cared about me, I also felt for the first time in my life a desire to have a family and potential child. I cant imagine having that with anyone else. He has 1 child currently and we started dating while he was still going through a rough breakup with the mother of his child who was extremely manipulative and abusive toward him. I helped him heal from that relationship and he told me time and time again how much he has learned to trust and communicate and be happy again, how he has also never been treated so well and wants a family and to spend the rest of his life with me. He came up with the idea of wanting to take his daughter and move out here and we talked about it for months. He is the primary caregiver of his daughter who is 3, and helped raise a child the mother had from a different man who is 5. The mother takes care of the 5 year old. It became increasingly difficult to balance my extremely busy and draining schedule with an LDR and I got frustrated with how it didnt really seem he was making any steps to come out here despite saying he wanted to. He talked about it with the mother a couple times with varying responses and then talked to her a third time and she said no she is not comfortable so he asked me if I would be willing to move with him. I said no and was frustrated because I have a lot going on here and a lot of ties and responsibilities regarding my passion we ended up talking less and less until finally I said I dont think I could do it anymore and didnt want to put him through anymore stress and not getting the attention he deserves. He agreed and we "broke up" but still clearly had feelings for eachother and would go between not talking and talking again and feeling like nothing had changed. Eventually, about a couple weeks ago, he talked to me about how he had started having feelings for his childs mother again that he thought might be reciprocated (she just dumped the guy she left him for) and that hit me hard. I ended up crying and we talked on the phone for hours about how we still love eachother and it felt like we might work things out. A week or so goes by and I get extremely busy again and dont talk much. He messaged me a few times and I didnt respond due to mental and physical exhaustion (he knows what I do is a lot) and finally while im out in the middle of something he texts me again about his confused feelings. I end up saying "I dont want to hold you back go be with her" essentially being very emotionally overwhelmed. I regret that and later ask if we can talk on the phone. He says hell try to call me later but it doesnt happen. Fast forward to this saturday, we hadn't talked since then and I go through something incredibly ed up and traumatizing. I witnessed a shooting and man dying out on the street and it sent me over the edge. I spent a day completely numb and then the next night I let it all out. I have a breakdown and cry for hours thinking about how that could have been me and the trauma of the past year and what ive been doing catches up to me and I realize I cant keep going like this. I want a family. I NEED a family. And I still love him. I text him I miss you while extremely upset. I need to talk to my best friend and my love and get comfort and tell him my outpouring of emotions. He responds with "I miss you too... But I should let you know I talked with childsmother and we both agreed to try things out again slowly and see where it goes." That sent me over the edge and I asked him to call me because I was hyperventilating at some point. He did and didnt really know what to say and just made sure I could calm down a little and not have an asthma attack. He said "I know youre going through a lot recently" and I said "I dont want it anymore I just watched someone die!" He I guess had unfollowed me on FB to get over me and had no idea that had happened till I said that... He had to take care of his daughter and I felt like so I let him go. We ended up texting more and I explained to him how much that ed me up especially him not telling me until I am in a LOT of pain even though he didnt know at the time. We ended up talking more and I basically told him that when I texted him "I miss you" I was going to tell him I want to be with him and Id be willing to sacrifice my life here to do that. I dont have a lot tying me here and I can continue my passion where he is. He had no idea of course and now its this ed up situation where I feel like a homewrecking piece of and he's confused again. I asked to talk on the phone one more time because I NEED to get this off my chest. If he is done with this I will respect that but I need to tell him how im feeling and why. I need to know if theres a chance. I want a family with him. In afraid now because of my own dumb inaction and inability to process my emotions due to constant stress and mental illness that chance is gone. What would you do? How would you approach this? How wrong am I for pursuing this? TLDR my LDR partner and I broke up due to unfortunate circumstances despite still loving eachother very deeply and I recently had an intense moment of clarity and am willing to sacrifice moving to him and make it work but he has now initiated a relationship with his ex who is the mother of his child
  12. Brief overview for context I was dating someone locally, going very, very slow because although I was curious, I wasn't smitten. He was though, right from the start. Then there was a fork in the road because mid pandemic he managed to secure a seat on a plane traveling back home and, reluctant to maybe never see him again without at least kissing I broke the touch barrier and that experience felt right in a way that, had he been staying local, I definitely would have wanted to date. We can't because of distance but we have stayed in touch and he has been consistent in expressing feelings for me, regular contact, sends me presents sometimes. He's used the word love in letters, I haven't/won't until we can be face to face again and I can be sure that's what I'm feeling. For those of you who recognise me from previous posts, yes, there is a definite possibility that this is just another way for me to avoid genuinely getting close to someone, that thought has crossed my mind. Its Schrodingers attraction, I won't know until we're face to face where I'm really at. Or him for that matter. Anyway, I wasn't very invested in the beginning because we had not really spent that much time together before he left. But lately I have been feeling a lot more so, a couple of particularly well chosen gifts on his part I think and regular contact. I'm starting to dream the same "could this be my forever person" dreams he's been dreaming. We normally talk at least once a day, a text, if not a phone call. But I haven't heard from him since Friday. I tell myself he must be pretty busy, or maybe something has come up, but the more days that elapse the harder I find it to tolerate the break down in communication. I like to think I have a bit of a handle on my (lousy) attachment style. Saturday I was, for sure, in a bit of a funk because I hadn't heard from him but I wouldn't act on that. Sunday I was starting to feel actually anxious. Today is no improvement. What if he found someone local and hit it off with them and suddenly the overseas girl isn't so attractive anymore. What if it was love bombing all along. What if something bad has happened to him. What if nothing bad has happened but he just doesn't feel drawn to maintain a line of communication with me anymore? I get being busy but 48 hours plus with no word? (And through the scourge of modern communication, read receipts. I can see he is at least receiving my messages on whatsapp, although sometimes they're going through to his PC and it doesn't mean he's read them. But even if I had sent no messages at all, it is out of character for him to not reach out to me either.) I know the best distress tolerance technique is to be so busy yourself that you don't even notice the person has not responded. Thanks to an uptick in community spread of the rona work is cancelled and socialising is ill advised. I have plenty of jobs to be getting on with at home but they are all the kind that does not induce a flow state and are much much much harder to do when something is eating away at you. So, tolerance techniques, throw them at me. I know this is my problem to fix. (Even if he has lost interest, which would very definitely be a disappointment but I want him to be happy right?! So I would accept that. But not knowing is worse). Also how do you divine what is unreasonable impatience regarding message replies (because I feel like my attachment style sees me reacting earlier than is reasonable. Which is why I spent the first two days talking myself down. But definitely past the 2 day mark it really starts to feel like this is more than being busy). You would think being long distance that my life would be as good as functionally fine being single, what is there even to miss?! Someone who I can't see? But nope, this is occupying a frustratingly large amount of my thoughts. Surely he will get in touch today when he wakes up right? Because my last contact explicitly stated that this is unusual silence and I am worried. When we are in touch again I will definitely be asking him how long he could go not hearing from me before it started to worry him.
  13. Hey guys! This is actually the first time I'm writing on some forum or asking for this type of advice but sometimes it's nice to hear the opinion of people who are completely objective. I really hope that someone will have a patience to read this long text. Okay, I'm going to try to write as much as it can so you can get a clearer understanding of the situation. I've been in a long-distance relationship for about 1,5 years. My bf is one of the most amazing people I've ever met as it was our relationship to some point. It happened totally spontaneously but we got so caught up and liked each other that we decided to give it a try even though we knew that relationships like this could be stressful. I was confident, positive, and easy-going which would be completely different then I am at the moment. He told me that he had never met a better person in his life and therefore not a girl like me and it really looked like that. On the other hand, he's really the most special guy I've ever had a chance to meet. He is really intelligent, different, "deeper" than anyone I know, with a broader and different view of the world. I really don't want to offend anyone, but he is just not "basic", so to say, and that's how we probably found each other because I think I'm also specific in some way. Our relation was very healthy, full of love and understanding until one moment when the problems started. What started to bother me was that my bf after some 5 months of the relationship started to be different, after the first such "honeymoon" phase. At that point, when we met and during this first phase, he was going through a tough period of looking for a job after college and self-reflecting, and of course I was always by his side and it worked great. Then we saw each other and spent two weeks together and it didn't go that well because I didn't organize some things which I was supposed to which led to negative energy between us and after his departure it all starts (I have to mention that we were seeing each other each month and a half approximately and spending more or fewer days together depending on our schedules). After that meeting we had, we started arguing and blaming each other for why the time we spent together was bad when every previous time was wonderful. I accepted my part of being guilty, apologized, and tried to make it up. He became a little different and colder but when I started the breakup story at that point, he didn’t want to accept it but thought we should stay together. Sure, we stayed together because we were already in love but I wasn't truly completely happy after that. I think I was happy to have him but I was missing something because he was never as he used to be. I know I can't expect the same excitement as in the beginning but the relationship needs to grow into something deeper and more meaningful over time. The next thing that happens is that he got the job and what he was striving for all the time while I was in the same phase of looking for a new job and phase of self-reflection. In the meantime, we kept seeing each other but it wasn’t as great for me as it was in the beginning. He was now busy with a new job as I was going through a difficult period where I didn’t feel like I had his support like he had mine. In addition, he criticized me and pressured me to find out what I wanted out of life and he said that he did it for my sake even it didn't feel good. This led to my frustration and dissatisfaction which I started to express by constantly arguing with him, about anything because I felt I deserved better treatment. Of course, I tried to resist it but it was really hard. During that period, we were occasionally fighting but we eventually "fixed things" (Again, I felt as something was missing for me all the time). I decided to stay because I started loving him and I wanted it to work out as well as he did. These were some initial problems that grew over time. Let's say that our relationship was fine, until a couple of months ago. One of the biggest issues is that we haven't been able to see each other for months because of COVID. I have to point out that external factors were really bad for our relationship, nothing went our way because we didn't choose to be separated, we just couldn't travel to each other. Every time we think that it will be possible to do it soon and then we get one more slap and disappointment. In the meantime, we both had some personal issues and instead of finding support in each other, we were fighting. Then we always say we won't do it anymore, we'll be sorry, but we continue again and so on for months. In addition, we could not meet up that it was even harder. I’ve been thinking of course earlier if it’s better to break up but I just couldn’t because I really love him and somehow I was hoping things would get better, I mean we both were. After our last fight which was not so serious but more like accumulated over time, we decided to stay away from each other for a few days since we are talking every day since we meet. After some days, I called him because someone definitely has to do it and thought we would smooth things over as usual but our conversation was different this time. He told me that he hadn't called me earlier because these days were really peaceful for him and a kind of relief (so it was for me) and that he was thinking whether it was smarter to break up or stay together. So, these few days we talked and he practically told me that he needs to spend some time alone to decide what he wants, on what I told him that he had enough days to figure that out. I said that my opinion is that whether we break up and completely stop communicating or we move in together (I know it sounds crazy but I think it would be easier to work on it in real life but I also have to mention that he has always procrastinated with this decision). Basically, he says that he loves me a lot and that is the only thing which keeps him from breaking up. He says that he wants to be with me but that our relationship in the last time was nothing but suffering for both of us and that maybe is better for our own sake to stay away from each other. I know he does love me, I can see that else I would leave a long time ago. As you can see our relationship became really toxic and painful because we want it to work but it just doesn't somehow. After a couple of days of "trying to figure out" what we should do, he said that I'm not helping him by talking with him because he has to stay away from the problem (me) so he can eventually solve the problem. He is a bit melancholic by nature but I have never seen him so depressed, sad, and dark. He says he hasn't done anything these days, that he can't eat, do anything useful, or even take a shower. I tried to cheer him up but it didn't work. It seems to me that he has completely lost faith in our relationship but he still can’t break up and says he is completely unable to make a decision. I already know that this relation has been lately toxic for both of us but I feel lost and I don't know what am I supposed to do? I don't feel like waiting like a little puppy on him until he figures out what does he want to do ( I have to mention that he mostly blames me for our fights, by saying how he was never enough for me and he even said that I was emotionally abusing him and that I should at least give me some space back now) but from the other side I still have faith and I don't have the heart to break up. How can I do it if I love him? I can't imagine that I won't be able to see him ever again or that he would be seeing someone else. I literally saw him as someone I could spend my life with and I don't want anyone else. I know I wrote a lot of negativity even though there were really nice things but I wanted to focus on the problems. Tell me what you would do, is it possible to do anything? Has anyone had a similar situation and if you did, how did you handle it? What is your objective reasoning from the side? Is it better to break up or wait for him to say what he wants and if I decide to wait, how long should I then? I can't be in this state for long. I appreciate every answer. ❤️
  14. Hello, A little back story, I have been with my partner for 2 years total. First year we dated casually and we've been exclusively dating for a year now, all long distance. I am normally not a very needy person and we both usually handle time away ok with a phone call once weekly, texts throughout the day, and seeing each other once or twice monthly when we can make out schedules work. I am a single mom and he is currently finishing up his commercial pilot training (will be done in May). I am absolutely in love with him, and he says the same and I have never questioned it or him in the past, he's always been perfect for me. The last 2 months have gotten insanely busy for him at school though, sometimes 16 hour days in lessons, flights, and studying. The last month, we have barely gotten to talk other than a text or 2 a day and usually our normal phone call during the week sometime. My problem is, and im not sure honestly why it has become such an issue for me, is that he says he is so busy that he doesn't have time to really text or call as much as we normally do, but I see him active on Facebook and IG when I am ALL the time. He is busy, the training program is no joke and I know others who have done it and said they were basically living at school. But im worried maybe he's losing interest if he is actually spending all this time on social media but still can't make any for me. I dont want to bring it up because I feel like it'll make me seem crazy if I do because of noticing he's active or if its nothing then the fact that I'm doubting him so much will just add stress to him I am also a huge overhtinker and COVID restrictions with less social outings and time with friends has me deep in my thoughts lol. Like I said, im probably overthinking but its driving me crazy. How do others handle lack of time and communication with LDR?
  15. I (M26) took my gf (F23) of 1.5 years for granted and neglected her during the last month of our relationship (long-distance due to COVID) after getting burnt out from work, and did not give off the amount of excitement to see her that she expected after both of us returned to the city and I met her parents. She also had a few lingering doubts that I only loved her out of convenience previously since I had prioritized work / career stuff over her at times in the past, and took longer to emotionally open up to her as this was my first ever serious relationship. She felt like I did not put in enough effort, and said maybe we are just incompatible. I will note that she was conflict avoidant and we had 1 fight during our entire time together. She also mentioned me potentially going to grad school in 1+ years as another factor. She did not talk to me about love language (which I did not know existed) until 1 year into the relationship this January, and subsequently she felt February was much better as we spent more time together and had an anniversary trip. We then entered a 4 month LDR due to the quarantine, which combined with my work stress killed our momentum and made emotional detachment easier. She broke up with me without a fight or any sort of warning. After I was too busy to see her 3 days after meeting her parents (only sparsely texted her, and tried to call her once but she did not pick up), she decided to break up with me the next time we were supposed to meet 1v1. I was too blindsided and shocked to respond well, and just accepted her decision while mumbling how I always loved her. We had a follow up conversation 1 week later to discuss, where I did the following: - clarified a few misunderstandings - apologized for my grave mistakes, showed regret + remorse, and asked for forgiveness, citing my lack of relationship experience and immaturity for my mistakes - Got a bit heated in asking her why she never told me about her unmet needs, and why she never communicated when she was unhappy ("why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?" "why couldn't we have had this cathartic conversation 24 hours before the breakup so I would have known about these problems and have had a chance to prove to you I could change?") - told her how I really feel about her (first true love) and the reasons why I love her - proposed 4 tangible changes to our relationship to make this work and offered time for us to think about it. She turned me down at each juncture, as it seemed like she had her mind made up ("apply what you learned to the next girl" - telling me to move on). It's unclear how much of this was due to her feeling the relief stage after dumping me. Some of my takeaways from what she told me during this conversation: - She had a few lingering concerns about the relationship that she never communicated (how she thought I was dating her only b/c my friends were all in serious relationships, how I was not putting in enough effort) - apparently she was not happy in January which was news to me; however, she only made up her mind to break up with me Wednesday of that week (3 days after I met her parents), with the actual breakup conversation taking place Friday. She claimed that she was going to talk to me about her doubts on Friday anyways, but that she was so mad at me that she decided to pull the trigger - She told no one about her doubts all along; her best friends which I had met numerous times apparently all disagreed with her initial decision to break things off that way (probably due to lack of communication) - She thought I was about to break up with her due to the neglect (I was not, I was suffering burnout syndrome and was in an antisocial rut from being cooped up at home alone for too long) - She felt that maybe we were incompatible (I disagreed, saying that these problems could have been solved with better communication) - She felt like I prioritized work and other life obligations stuff over her, and that maybe she just wanted to be in a situation where she was always prioritized first. (I admitted that I was wrong, and said that the breakup showed me the necessity of better time management and prioritization from me); however, I had hoped the entire time that she would understand, given she is a consultant who traveled 4 days per week for work pre-COVID, which limited the amount of time we could spend together - She was not willing to give me a chance despite this being the first time I was aware of these issues ("don't want be in a situation where I have to see if a guy really changed or not") - She originally was very mad at me and told me that we shouldn't be friends either. After hearing my side of the story, she must have felt guilty and asked if I could see a path to friendship down the road (I told her I wasn't sure if or when, since this was my first breakup) - She said that her mind was mostly made up, but that if I had reacted in a more passionate / strong way during the original breakup conversation maybe her mind would have changed. (I told her that blindsiding me in the lawn of a crowded park was a terrible spot to do it as I got anxiety attacks during the breakup) - She was mostly monotone for the conversation, with 2 exceptions - she got really angry when I mixed up her secondary and primary love languages (swapped them in order), and she started crying when we started catching each other up on our new apartments during the middle of the conversation ("I just realized how easy it could be for us to go back to the way things were") - At the end, she said she loved me and cared for me, but that we should both move on and try to heal from this; she also wanted me to keep her updated on how big life events for me go (e.g., grad school admissions) In hindsight, there were problems with our relationship like a imbalanced dynamic that probably led me to take her for granted and for her to be afraid to communicate (I was 2.5 years older than her, and was more mature / developed than her in career, self-esteem, hobbies - the only area I was less mature than her in was relationships and being open with emotions). However, if the trust and emotional connection can be restored, I feel like I know what I need to do to make this work (along with additional self-improvement goals I have set for myself post BU). My ex is a reasonably mature and level-headed person, but definitely has immature tendencies (when she [falsely] thought her manager backstabbed her, she came to me as a crying trainwreck and needed me to calm her down for an hour). She is also close to her asian mother, who I could see giving her advice on never reconciling with an ex. Lastly, we both live in a large city, and I could see her being less willing to settle as someone only 2 years out of college - however, she is definitely a good girl (does not sleep around, and takes sex / intimacy / relationships relatively seriously). She is an amazing person in every regards besides her confidence, conflict avoidance and insecurities, and I feel like a reconciliation would totally be worth it if both of us recognized our mistakes and was mutually willing to make this work. I am now 30 days past the breakup and 22 days NC. We still follow each other on social media (with all of our pictures together still up) though I have muted all of her BFF's accounts (she does not post much herself). Before I muted her BFF's accounts, their stories featuring her seemed to show her happy (with one story "celebrating" - most likely their new apartment, but possibly also the breakup). However, she still consistently views my instagram stories when I do post. My plan is to start trying to move on while doing either: - indefinite no contact - no contact for 3-4 months and see how I feel about her before reaching out to reconnect. Given these situations, does anyone think it is likely for her to change her mind down the road given that part of her concerns for the breakup were invalid, and that I think she still loves me or is attached to me to some extent? Should I be doing anything different besides NC (e.g. should I reach out again 2 months NC to take her pulse, send a genuine apology letter)? Any thoughts would be appreciated!
  16. Sorry about the long post, but the background is very important. My fiancee and I met online over 8 years ago, and were good friends. About 2 years ago when we started dating, and recently became engaged. He has a female friend who he's known about the same amount of time. The main difference is we are LDR while she is there with him. When our relationship changed from strictly friendship, the female friend reached out to me, and we started becoming good friends. We would all hang out together when I would visit, and she was very supportive of us getting together, actually encouraging us to take the next step. I thought this was going to be the start of a beautiful journey. Shortly after my fiancee and I became serious, I noticed that her tone with me drastically changed. She started telling me that everyone there thinks they are together/ should be together. She then asked me if it bothered me. I replied and said it didn't, and asked if there was any romantic history. She told me no. I let it go, and continued to work on our friendship. That's when things went downhill. She suddenly started posting tons of pictures of them together on social media, and making it a point to tell me that they were doing date like activities- going to movies, going out for drinks, etc. When my fiancee and I were on dates, she would blow up his phone, and insist that he needed to be there, saying she would kill herself if he didnt go. At one point she told me that she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do, and got very accusatory of my intentions. At one point I let her know that we have a strong relationship, and that what I talk about with him his private. We stopped talking shortly after. I have confronted my fiancee several times about how I felt that she had feelings for him. He confessed that at one point, she had written him a love letter, and confessed her feelings for him. He assured me that he never reciprocated those feelings, and they were strictly friends. I tried to be supportive of their friendship, but brought up concerns with him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me. I set boundaries that I was comfortable with, and things seemed to be going well. Before he came out to visit last time, I reached out to her to try and rekindle our friendship. We had what I thought were great conversations, but she blocked me in every form later that night. On his visit, he proposed and I accepted. I asked him about his friend, and told him that she had blocked me. He confessed that she was the first person he told about his plans to propose, and that she didnt take it well. Fast forward a year. We are still engaged, and planning our future. She is still crossing boundaries. When I confront him, he jokes about it, asking if I still hate her, and making excuses for her behavior. I'm not comfortable with their friendship anymore, and I dont think it's my place to tell him they can't be friends. I dont want to be the jealous wife, but I also can't continue to be left out, always wondering if there is something more between them. What do I do?
  17. Just wanted some advice on this as I'm really not sure how reasonable/over-reactive I'm being about this: when is a gift not a gift? Basically, my gf and I have a long distance relationship. She lives in Canada and I live in the UK. We spend 3 months together at a time together. The last time she was in UK, the relationship deteriorated. It looked like it wasn't going to work out. The day before she left I asked if i could hang onto a book of hers I was reading at the time and mail it to her in Canada once I was finished. This admittedly was during a period of high pettiness that had ensued. She seemed hesitant but agreed. I said she could have it back as she didn't seem happy about it. I said "you keep it" but eventually she relented and let me hang onto it, after which I mailed it back. I also mailed back another book I thought she might like. Key point: Unbeknownst to me however, on the last day she was at my flat, she took a rare book (a gift she had given to me) away with her. I only just found this out, 7 months after the event, because I was looking for the book yesterday and couldn't find it. I asked her if I had the book in my collection as I could have sworn she gave me a copy. She initially ignored the question, but the second time she admitted that she took it and was sorry. The issue is I feel very betrayed by this. I feel that A. taking a gift she gave me from me/not telling me is a huge breach of trust B. I feel the fact she tried to bury the issue, not telling me or owning up to me is really bad as well. Unfortunately, she's not someone who handles criticism well. She thinks I'm attacking her by not immediately accepting her apology and wanting to understand why she did this and how I can trust her in the future. So, am I overreacting? One of my female friends thinks it's not a big deal and I should get over it. For me it is big deal though, and says a lot about a person's character.
  18. My guy dumped me via text for calling his friend when he wouldn't answer my calls. I know at the time he was with his friend and I texted him to tell him that I would call his friend because I needed to speak with him. The friend dis not pick up or answer my text. Was I wrong for calling the friend? Is him saying he never wants to speak with me warranted because I did? I haven't reached out him but I'm baffled that such would be the end of our relationship. We just got back together 2 months ago trying the long distance thing.
  19. Hi, I am 22 and just finished university. I have got a job, and I am in a relationship of a year and a half with a guy who's also my age and just graduated too. Basically, he wanted to live together after we graduated. Then coronavirus hit, and he said we can move in together in July, when we have finished our courses. July came, he hadn't committed and said can we move in together in October. I was okay with this, we're young and I get he wanted his summer with his friends (his reasoning) as we live about 2 hours apart now. So I moved in on a temporary lease somewhere. I was looking for a more permanent lease actually, and found one for six months, but he said he really wanted to move in together October. So I took the shorter lease in not as nice of an area, and was okay as I was saving a bit money from it. Now, he is unsure about moving in again. I was a bit shocked, to be honest - at the beginning of this month, he was asking me to take a shorter lease so we could move in together October. I feel a bit jilted - it was okay if he didn't want to move in, we are young, it is more the promises then the retraction. What do you think? My main worry is that I am expecting too much of him. Again I want to stress, I am not annoyed he's not moving in, more the messing me about. I am going to have to move all over again, without his support, in 3 months again.
  20. My boyfriend (live in Europe ) and I (live in Asia )are in long distance relationship. We both work a lot but try to text everyday. Because of the time difference and work hours, we try to have a video call a couple of times a week. As a couple, we do naughty stuff sometimes but not so much recently. I’m not sure if that’s the reason why but he started flash me on the Face time randomly. Since we are usually busy and don’t really have the chance to talk, I just want to talk when we get the chance. However, it seems different for him. As a girl, if he flashes me randomly, it doesn’t stimulate me because how brain function is different from men. He would undress his pants and show it to me while singing or talking out of no where which I find it kind of vulgar and I don’t want to say it but kind of creepy. Does that mean I’m loosing interest in him? I assume he is trying to make me laugh and also turn me on but it does the opposite to me. If it was done in a sort of seductive or romantic way, my reaction would probably be different but is that too much to ask for? We have had this conversation before but this things continue..... what would your advice be?
  21. Hi everyone, I (23F) have a huge long distance crush. This guy (23M) lives far away. We met last summer, and hooked up once. We stayed in contact since all this time and we keeped flirting and sexting. I told him first I didn’t want a committed relationship because I was dealing with personal problems at the time. We never had a chance to have a proper date and to get to know each other and to build something. We flirted all the last 3 weeks, and suddenly he blocked me on an app and apologized, telling me he just found a girl and had to be serious now. He said he wanted « to keep in touch », that he would keep me informed, with a flirty tone. Now he ignores me a little throught social media, like I am a threat for his new girl. I feel a little heartbroken because I was used to talk to him and was excited to see him soon, but now it is over (for now). I think he likes me too, but went for someone physically and geographically closer to him. I feel like I missed my chance. I am afraid his new relationship will last for a long time, and I am going to move to his town in 3 months for work. I hoped we would have a chance to start something. Do you think he will call me back? Should I remain friendly to stay in touch with him or is there no chance to meet again in the future?
  22. Hi everyone, I have been with my ex for 4 years. We’ve been LDR but I get to spend 4-5 months living with him in a year. All this while he’s been the one who’s wanted to make this work - he has talked about the future and a ring. Meanwhile, I was always a bit apprehensive as there were issues like his temper and chronic pain (his sleeping is disrupted and he curses almost middle of every night and I get so worried about it). In Feb this year, he calls me and out of frustration said that we were not working on future plans, and because of LDR we should break up. I agreed with him. A week later, I decided that that was just stupid and called him up to tell him I’d pack my bags and move to be with him and settle down. I sense hesitancy and he says we should be alone for a while to figure out what we want. So of course I was hurt, but I respected that and really left him all alone. He’s checked in with me a month later to ask me how quarantine was going. Here’s a turn of events: I’ve been offered to relocate to his city next month for work. I text him about it and he congratulated me and was wishy washy with replies. I let him be and didn’t confront anything. A few weeks ago, I found out from a mutual friend that we broke up possibly because a girl was in the picture - and possibly moved in immediately, quarantining together. I’m extremely hurt! He’s been so committed to me all this while and my belongings were still there. I also found out that he’s not given themselves a proper status, and that when he heard I was moving to his city, he was very affected by the news. I know this sounds petty, but I saw a photo of the girl and she’s not quite a looker - or his type that I know of! But I’m sure she was there to give him attention when I was not around. I’m not sure if I should confront this and meet up when I’m there or if I should just ignore this all and let it go (that’s been what I’ve been doing so far). I’m angry and hurt, and in shock. Please advice.
  23. Hi i have been browsing for a while and saw how people help each other out here by sharing personal experience, so this is my first post and i am hoping to hear from different perspectives. I met someone about 4 months ago, shortly before i moved out of state. We hit it off and even though i was moving to another state, we decided to start a long distance relationship. We knew it wasn't a wise decision, but you also don't meet the right person often in your life so we decided to not have any regret by giving it a try. He hotly pursued me for the first few months , texting and calling everyday. Even though i , at some point was hesitant and reluctant, his consistency really had moved and touched me and in the end i am finally committed and devoted. Since i moved out of state, i had gone back to the old city to visit him once for his 50th birthday. He hasnt come to visit me yet, due to the lock down situation and various other reasons, but he has been talking about a plan to visit. Now, our relationship has come to a point where we are gradually texting each other less , the initial hot and heavy phase of texting each other every 10 minutes is of course unsustainable and we both understand and are ok with it going into a comfortable stage....so now we are in a comfortable situation of a good morning text or 1-2 text mid-day and he would call me between 8-10pm each night...which is ok with me, i generally dont give him pressure about when and how he wants to text or call. Last night something weird happened and the inconsistency in his story caught me.He went out to play golf in the afternoon, and at 630pm, texted and said he just got home. The whole night went by without hearing from him, suddenly at 10:30pm he called and rambled on about how it was a long and exhausting day and that he just got home from golf followed by going to this bistro with his golf buddies and went into extreme details about how he had some wine/beer and was buzzed and high , how he couldn't stop talking about me to his golf buddies and how he couldn't call me from the bistro of course etc etc..... he gave all this details in one breadth without me asking about anything. Now the hole in his story is he texted me at 630pm saying he was home. My natural reaction was to ask him "I thought you were home at 630pm" He said "Oh i meant to say we went back to my buddy's home, he lived by the golf course, he said to come over to his place before we head out to the bistro" Then i said "You drove yourself home after you had some alcohols and were high and buzzed? You normally dont do that ..." ( he is normally very careful with drinking and driving) He said "I was high and buzzed because i missed you so much i couldnt wait to come home to call you" He went on to say how much he loved me and how much he couldnt stop talking about me to his buddies.....he was sooo good at making me feel good and i believed him and continued to carry on to have a good conversation for 10 more minutes. After i hung up, i started to feel weird and uneasy and went back to read his last "I just got home" text sent at 630pm.... Granted, i dont have reason to not trust him, he has been very consistent with me, calling me every night , sometimes twice a night...and i know he will always answer or call me back even when i call him at random odd times...i dont think he has anything sinister to hide from me, but last night's behavior was super odd....i believe he may have gone out with a female friend or client ( he is in real estate business) and didnt want to be honest with me, maybe afraid i will get jealous, but i have told him before if he does go out with female friends or clients, there's nothing he needs to be worried about, i have male friends too, so i am mature enough to understand. Since we hung up last night, i havent texted him....very early this morning, he sent a Good Morning text at 630am, again very unusual.....lately he hasnt been sending good morning text until past 9 or 10am, and sometimes he didnt even send any until i text him first....i am not sure if there's any ground for being suspicious, am i overthinking? Should i let it pass or calmly ask him about it?
  24. - Background story: I was born in Germany with Chinese ethnicity and she was born in Korea. I have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 5 months. Before that, we talked for a year through phone and met four times as vacation. She started to like me when she was on the second holiday for 5-6 days. The next holiday was three months later, with the highlight that we had sexual intimacy, but we were not in relationship. From there, we were so emotionally attached to each other through sending gifts and letters. That she even bought me a plane ticket to her country which I couldn’t afford at the time. During that time, so many things happened positively and negatively. I’ve noticed there were times where the mood swings up and down all the time. The main factor for having so many mood swings was we grew up in a totally different environment which different values. Most of the time, I just go with the flow and it worked most of the time somehow. From there we started to have a relationship. We are now living apart and I would like to say that our relationship goes very well except for one thing: our discussions through phone. I would say we have one and two heated discussions every month. No matter how childish it might sound, we are both not competent enough to have discussions. Since both of us can’t supress our emotions and frustrations. Somehow, we are still able to improve day by day and I thought it gets better. Well not, until our discussion/ fight last Sunday. - Main story: Whenever I say something correct or incorrect. She often doesn’t argue back. And if she argue back after some pushing, the strength of the argument is weak. Or she avoids the question by saying nothing. Unlike me who always answer on all of her questions. Which frustrates me and then she use that moment to react emotionally. After that, we quit our discussion. I would say she is not open for having sensitive or heated discussions. Few days after, she opened herself up by admitting that she has avoidant personality disorder because of her past. She wrote her story from her childhood to her recent relationship in Korean and will translate to English later on. Moreover, it wasn’t easy for her because it took five years to share this story to someone. Note: I’m sure whether I’m only one or not. On the bright side, she promised that she has the will to change and I can do is showing understand and support her nothing else. I found it somewhat difficult because I’m not a person who sits back and wait. I accept that, just to show respect for her decision. Today we’ve talked more and our conversation ends up really positively. We made compromises. After that, she also talked a bit about her story she wrote. Although there’s one part about her previous four relationships that was disturbing. Because she her previous sex experiences were “not satisfying”. Since sex is important for her. She set a certain standard with people she date and have “emotional connection” before entering the relationship phase. Surprisingly, size is important otherwise she will put you in friendzone. She even talked in a humiliating way that “it was small” and “he couldn’t erect, so I didn’t feel attractive enough for him”. I tried to stay calm successfully. My D- size is on the smaller side, just below average and it bothers me after she talked like that. Even though she enjoyed back at the time. I’m unsure whether she faked it or not. Second thing that bothers me, the fact she “tested” me out before having relationship. Because of her “approval”, that’s one of the factors she decided to buy the flight ticket and I assume to “have more”. Funny thing though, she totally hate it when she felt being “tested” and “manipulated”. Hypocrisy isn’t it? She also told that she had more than four bedpartners. Those were in times when she was single. I was totally surprised because whenever I talk about sexuality and “my desires”. She tends to avoid. On the other side, she is quite open for having multiple bedpartners. And how on earth can you be with people that easily when you have APD. Overall, I’m really confused about everything. I feel I cannot trust her 100% but also can’t let her go. Can someone give me any advice how to deal with her hypocrisy, trust and APD.
  25. Recently broke up with my ex...again. We had only got back together in February, after a few months apart (we were in LDR before which caused the strain that lead to the breakup). Anyway, he's switched over to being "friends" far too quickly. To the point where it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to pretend things are "all good" because they aren't just yet. I wondered what people's thoughts are on staying friends with an ex? We don't really have friends in common, we can both walk away with the friends we came into the relationship with. But our parents have since become very close friends... which is now difficult. At least for me.
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