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  1. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  2. I decided to start this as a place to park my hodgepodge of thoughts and what's going on in my life. Had a great Easter yesterday- I had to drive a few hours to the airport to pick my son up from his trip to France and Spain. He had a great time and it seems like he grew up over night! It was so great to have both boys home and with me. Since I had them for Easter, I asked them what kind of meal they wanted and I went and bought the groceries for a nice Easter dinner. Then I get a text from my ex, saying his mom and dad are inviting me and the boys to Easter brunch at their house. Well I didn't really want to go because my ex and his gf would be there. But the boys wanted to go and they wanted me to come. So I told them I would drop them off, pop in to say hi to friends and ex's family, then pick them up later. It took a lot of courage. But Despite that, I actually had fun! My ex and his gf sat on the other side of the room, although at one point his gf complemented a necklace I was wearing. It was fun to catch up with people I essentially have not seen in 4 years since the breakup. Oh the things I do for my sons... Well afterwards I made that nice dinner and we had it by candle light- just before I had to take them to their dad's for the week.
  3. Hello everyone and thank you for visiting this topic. My family is facing some problems right now related to my father behavior. Currently I am 24 years old and I am working remotely from home, living with my father and my mother. My older sister is married and my middle brother works abroad and I am the little son. The problem I am going to talk about does not involve bullying or anything of that kind, it's just something that is becoming annoying and I wish I could find a solution. My father is a retired man, taking good care of all of us. He has a little brother, who is the CEO of the company where my brother is employed. Of course he got him this job and it's been nearly 5 years. Since then, I am feeling like my father is becoming so needy, pleaser and clingy to my uncle. All of us noticed it. He wants to involve him in any kind of subject : If I am looking for an internship, he insists that we should take his advice. If I got an offer from some company or whatever, he wants me to share it with him. That's the case for all of the family members and not only me : For example, lately my brother came back for some vacations with us and he noticed that my uncle bought a new car, so he casually said that the car is good, but he didn't even take a good look at it. Later in the same day, my uncle called my father and guess what my old man told him ? He said that my brother was overwhelmed by the car and he wanted to wash it and drive it so much that he went crazy ... I hope you see my point here. Things are escalating and it's becoming ass kissing. He also treats my uncle's son, my cousin way better than he ever treated us. He is so friendly towards him and always jokes with him. He barely does that with me or my brother. My uncle never treats me, or my brother in that way, I respect him so much and we get along, but not in a friendly way. the same thing goes with my uncle's wife, which annoys my mother so much. I just can't stand it anymore. He makes us feel like lackeys. He just abandons all self worth and confidence and makes us look pathetic. I am 100% sure that if he had to choose between his family and his brother, he would go for his brother. He wants me to join my uncle's company so much too, which I never intend to do if this keeps up, because the ass kissing will evolve and that's the last thing I want. Even when I mentioned that I want to work in Japan, where my brother works, but in a different company, he tried to convince me not to because there is a possibility that my uncle will get mad because I went there without his approval and not in his company ... What the hell was that ? Believe me, it's driving me crazy even though I am a calm person. That is my decision to make and my uncle is not my father ! He did not help me in any way throughout my studies and I don't owe him anything, why the hell should I give up on something I want to experience or try, just to satisfy him ? You see ? I want to let out my anger at my father for his behavior. I want to yell at him so much to the point I am sure that It will end up with a serious argument and fight. Believe me it's affecting even my mental health. I will be graduating soon but my thoughts are concentrated on this instead of my graduation project. Finally, thank you so much for reading this towards the end. What do you suggest I do ? What do you think of my situation ? Thank you in advance
  4. So I'm 23 and it was the day before I moved across the country so I stayed at my father and his new wife's house. The morning I was going to leave his wife went to work so my dad and I decided we should go to breakfast as we usually do. He came out in a towel and hugged me telling me how much he was going to miss me. He started rubbing my back, then he moved his hand to my lower back and went under my shirt rubbing my back. I tried to pull out of the hug as I felt super weirded out and uncomfortable. He then kissed me super soft and sensually on the lips (I've pecked my mom on the lips for years but never my dad). When he did this I tensed my entire body and try to pull away completely disgusted. He held me harder and tried to pull me back in for another kiss. I managed to turn my face so he kissed my cheek. I was in shock and disbelief so I quickly said he should get changed and we should get going before I had to leave and begin my move. I had every urge to drive away and not speak to him but the part of me that loves my dad stayed and thought that didn't just happen. I still don't know if this is considered abuse but I know it felt beyond wrong. I don't know what to do and haven't told anyone.
  5. Hi all I had figured my codependency thread was becoming a bit more like a journal. More information can be found in my first thread where a number of issues began. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548598 The past three years since my Dad passed away have been hard, not helped by the codependency of the relationship I went through shortly at the end of 2017 (see above). Dwelling on her for so long has not been healthy, and it's only thanks to this site and my counsellor that I think I can say, I'm finally moving on. After putting four stone on last year, I'm now finally losing it again....down a stone and half as of this morning. I've been big most of my life and I've lacked confidence/self loathed terribly. I've been infatuated with many a girl through my teens, but all I ever did was tell my friends, they would tell her friends.....and I'd never talk to them. My first proper relationship was when I was 19 with a girl I met on a music course (I play viola). In fairness she wasn't a nice person, and tried to change me....and in truth I wasn't that in to her. I liked girls at music college, but they came to nothing as I'd never talked to them. I moved back home with my late dad and the weight ballooned over the years. With my Dad around I had the companion and best friend I wanted, and the thought of ever being romantically involved with anyone, essentially disappeared. This changed when he died in August 2017 after two years with a lung condition. A month later I decided to start online dating......and the rest is history as I embarked an unhealthy relationship with someone who wasn't right for me, but by being codependent....I got my fingers burnt (I refer you to the thread linked at the top). So here we are 3 years on.......and I'm rebuilding myself. No more hiding away..... I'm 35 and time is going to pass me by if I continue to live this sheltered life. I've become somewhat isolated and cut myself off over the past few years. I'm losing weight, and working on my confidence and becoming the guy I always wanted to be. If you'd like to join me on my journey, you'd be more than welcome.
  6. I wish I wasn’t mixed. I’m 18. I’m black/white; African dad, European mom. I currently live in the United States, but growing up, I lived all over Europe. My dad is a former professional football player and he played for a few clubs in Europe, so we moved frequently when I was younger. We settled in the States after my dad retired. Been here a few years. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my mixed heritage. And it’s always made me feel guilty cause my parents are really great, loving and supportive; I’m lucky to have them. I feel like my feelings are a betrayal to them. But I’ve just never been comfortable with my ethnicity. Due to a number of factors, really. From experiences with both sides of my parents' families to the way I have interacted with the many new environments I have been exposed to throughout my life. It’s just a culmination of things, really. I’ve lived in places where I was too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. So I never really fit in. I’m constantly asked questions about my ethnicity cause of the way I look – I was bullied when I was little cause I have curly blonde hair, blue eyes and brown skin. When I was in primary school, people said I looked like a freak. These days I don’t get bullied about my appearance, however, people are ALWAYS asking about my ethnicity and the reason I look the way I do. It kind of makes me feel like a circus freak. An exotic creature people ogle. As a result I am pretty withdrawn from society. I’m a loner, to be honest. My parents are always getting on my case cause I prefer to stay in my room, instead of interacting with society. I go off to college next year and I’m so afraid. A girl I had a casual relationship with said my insecurity isn’t racial, but rather, cultural. Because I have lived in so many places due to my dad's former profession, I’ve never really had a place I can call home – a place I can identify with. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But honestly, I do envy people who are of one “race.” I know every single person in the world has their problems, no matter the background. But I do wish I wasn’t mixed. I feel so bad feeling like this cause I love my parents but it is just how I feel. How do I grow beyond this?
  7. I have been going through a motivational slump off-late, and it hit me a few days ago when I saw how I had wasted the weekend. I text my Mom to share this with her, and my Dad chimes in and gives me a long sermon about what would help my mental woes. While it was all good, healthy stuff he was telling me, I was really not in the head space to listen to any of it and I was kind of worn out by the call. I video call my fiance and joke about how Dads are always the ones to give us the "Dad talk" when we go to them with problems. His Dad is kind of similar, and we share a couple of jokes. My fiance has always been a very humorous, laid-back, loving personality. Although we live around 1000 miles apart, we talk so much throughout the day and he always greets me so lovingly that the distance isn't as palpable. Now during this phone call, he asks me what my Dad said. I start to tell him about how my Dad suggests waking up early in the morning. He starts to make a joke alluding to how I am a late-riser, which I am. He makes a couple more jokes which I do not even remember, but by now I start to get a little miffed and I tell him "It's late, go to sleep if you are feeling sleepy." I know that's a very passive aggressive way of saying I did not want to talk. A little while later, my phone starts acting up and I explain to him what's going on how this is a recurring phenomenon. My history with poor-quality phones is kind of a running joke with him and my family, so he starts laughing and joking about this one. By now, I am really annoyed and I repeat the same line as before, and I am sure my face looks pissed, too. After that, I have basically checked out of the conversation, telling him to go to sleep. He senses this, then abruptly says good night and cuts the call and I go to bed.The whole of the next day, I decide to not text him as I am still a little angry from our previous conversation. Finally, the day after, thinking this is a silly conflict to be mad about, I message him. He says he had wanted to give me space and just let me be the previous day. I ask him if he is mad. He says he isn't, just realized he needs to be more serious about a lot of things. I notice a tonal shift later in the day when we talk. Not wanting to push this under the carpet, I open up the conversation again, admitting that while I was definitely annoyed and some of my rage may have been spawned from a bad mood, I would never want to hurt him this way. He says it's nothing to do with me and he's just reflecting on how he needs to be more serious in life in general. I do not know if this is a permanent change or a phase. I do not want to tell him how to behave, but I miss his old self. Any advice? Edit: A couple of details I forgot to mention: I apologized to him during the last conversation. I told him I fully remembered how I reacted, and I am sorry I caused this hurt and this reflection. I also told him I am not going to dictate his behavior, but humor is part of who he is, and that I do not want to be the person who caused it to wane. I repeatedly said sorry and that I should not have behaved that way. Also, in the past, I always tell him that I am either not in the mood for a joke, or that he is taking it too far. I prefer to be tactful in communication. This time, I was having a low moment and was not in the most rational frame of mind. While I was at fault, it's not a behavioral pattern.
  8. I am a 23 year old female . I grew up within the African culture where spanking your child is okay , you got spanked at school at home so that was the norm. Moving to US was different , and I have always felt ok with being disciplined if I had done something wrong but I feel like there is things that are too far . While in highschool I was in the soccer team , both of my parents were very overprotective, I couldn’t really do anything hangout with friends , i had to lie even when I was going to hangout with my best friend sometimes. One time after school I had forgotten to mention that I had soccer practice and when I got home my father called me and my little brother to the bedroom and he was asking us why we didn’t let him know and it turned into a lecture he then proceeded to say “understood?” I was looking down at the floor and didn’t answer his question or say yes I understand ,next thing I know he stands up and put his hands on my neck and pushes me against the closet door and I answer yes. I had bruising on my neck and I remember the next day was church day and I got in the car with my dad and he promised never to do it again. So I let it go , nearing the end of my senior year in highschool I was getting into makeup and just enjoyed learning and putting on makeup . My dad did not like this as he somehow associated me starting to put on makeup with somehow me getting pregnant. Graduation day came and I put on make up and went for the ceremony . After we were going out to eat and the whole time my father complained about the makeup , and still associating it with me somehow ending up getting pregnant because of makeup , he then compares me to my biological mother and said some nasty things . The day was ruined for me and so I said I won’t be joining them for dinner , he came rushing back into the house pushed me on the bed and he put his hands on my neck and I remember the only thing I could do was bite his thumb, he was strangling me telling me I should stop being rude and just obey him and that the makeup is making me this way . After this event I had a swollen eye and nail marks all over my neck . Recently when I went home for the holidays he questioned why our relationship isn’t the best and I explained everything to him he then changed it up and said that never happened and that all he did was just place his hands on my neck and he didn’t press . He then proceeded to tell me to leave the house as I am the one causing problems in the family , he then mentions God and says it is the Christian thing to do to remove me from the family as I have disrespected him by speaking up . I left and haven’t spoken to him he recently sent me a message using God again saying he had a vision and wants me home for Xmas and he is the the man of the house , that I should listen and God had talked to him and If I don’t return then I will face distraction. I declined and said I won’t be coming back. The thing that frustrates me is my African family wants me to be the one to apologize because he is my father . He claims he never told me to leave and that he was giving me a “time out” to go back to my place and think about what I had done by disrespecting him . Denies ever asking me to leave , when he said words like “it’s the Christian thing to do to remove the bad seed from the family so the family can grow and he proceeded to tell me to leave and I did , my brother joined me . Every wrong he does he denies and says it never happened and at the end of the day I end up being blamed for everything as I am the oldest child of the family .
  9. I am 22, and I need advice on how to sort out this situation with my family. I feel very guilty about the whole thing I live and work about 300 miles away from home with my boyfriend. My family do not know I live with my boyfriend, they are highly against it - not because of him, but because my mother doesn't agree with me living alone and seeking employment rather than further education. This is because I left medical school with a degree, but did not carry on to medical training to become a qualified doctor. I basically studied for 3 years to achieve an undergraduate degree and left. I never wanted to be a doctor and largely did it to please my mother. Understandably, she was very upset at my decision. This lead to her and my father saying I couldn't come home. 3 months later and that is largely water under the bridge - they want me to come home for Christmas. I am reluctant, as largely they are not wonderful people. I am due to work Christmas day (I work in healthcare in a role I enjoy much much more than being a Dr) and visit my boyfriend's family the day after so I've largely managed to avoid it. I am feeling extremely guilty about avoiding them. When I first left home for medical school, I was leaving a very abusive father and a mother who would stay with him no matter what. When I came back for Summer, my father had been very ill (largely concealed by my mother), suffered a brain injury and the roles had completely reversed - my mother called the shots, my father was largely harmless if as lecherous as ever. Some friends have suggested that this is a much sought-after second chance with my father, now his temperament has changed, but I feel there are some things I cannot forgive. I largely just want a relationship (with healthy boundaries) with my mother and sisters. My mother is insistent she cares for me deeply, my sisters who live at home want me to return too and rebuild a relationship. The problem is they want me to rebuild a relationship too with my father, and return to medical school or university. Any dissidence meets a lot of upset from their sides. I am trying to go the 'long-distance' route but it is still leaving me deeply guilty. I don't know if I am being cruel for not going home and concealing my living situation or if I am being reasonable. Any help?
  10. My dad left me a tiny bit of life insurance money. There were 4 beneficiaries of the policy one being my dad’s youngest sister. One of the questions to claim the policy is they asked if the policyholder had at one time smoked. Now of course my aunt put yes , but that my dad quit in the 1980’s which he did. So now of course we all have to put that . My dad did not die of lung related illness but from kidney failure. Would that disqualify his policy?
  11. That smile melts my heart and gives me strength. I’m trying to hang on for you baby you give me strength. I’m sorry this happened and me and your mom couldn’t make it work but sometimes that’s destiny. I promised you a good Christmas and now I can’t give that to you. My greatest fear is to disappoint you. And I feel like I have and I’m sorry. But I’m here baby waiting for you to come back to me. Daddy loves you eternally. There’s not a place in the universe I would not travel for you. Let me bear any sadness you might feel or any worries, let me bear it baby. You just continue to be my happy little girl... daddy isn’t going anywhere. I’ve been away for a while, well that’s because I let her back in. She called and stated she had nowhere to go and so I couldn’t just let me kid be homeless. There is a lot to tell but, we never saw eye to eye, she would try to argue with me almost every single day when I came home from work... I didn’t know why. Was she the one miserable because she didn’t know how to do anything for herself? But she expected me to cater to her , and so to keep the peace whatever she asked for I got for her. My only concern was keeping my kid safe and I’m a stable home. Fast forward...before my child was born she had got two convictions of dv because I had called on her. The second call she was attacking me while I was driving because she was upset I wouldn’t give her money basically. Anyway six years later she’s living with me because I stupidly let her come back. I come home after work one day she immediately states I need to clean the pets cage. I state “well why haven’t you done it you’ve been home?”. She gets upset and walks away. Moments later I decide to just go and clean it for the peace, and so while I’m bent over cleaning it she wants to direct me on how to do it and so I’m doing it, but then I do something the wrong way and she literally strikes me on the back while I’m bent over. I kind of shoved her so she wouldn’t hit me again, she called her dad and tells him I slapped her and then he tells her to call the cops. Next thing you know I’m in jail. Her dad had been in town for a couple weeks from Arizona and she had been plotting to take my daughter and stay with him which I was ok with as long as I could still see her too. She knew she couldn’t just take her without my permission though. And so after this occurred she’s taken my kid and claims I’m dangerous and abusive mind you there was no evidence that anything had occurred. My mom had recently called to ask if they could spend some time with my daughter because they usually keep her every weekend... and she told them no and she doesn’t feel safe because I’m around. Mind you she has been living with me and I have been taking care of her And my daughter by myself for years. So now it’s been a month since I’ve seen my kid because she is keeping her away. And there is a custody order established because I went and got it done years ago so she would not be able to do this. But not I have false accusations on me because of her. My mom says well what does you and him have to do with us seeing the baby? That got nowhere she is claiming she doesn’t feel safe which is totally bs. So I can’t see my kid. And I don’t know how long this is gonna take.
  12. Hi all, Long time poster on ENA. As a quick backstory, my wife and I were together for ten years (Married for 5 years). She moved out about 6 weeks and I decided to file for divorce about 3 weeks ago because I told her I wanted to work on things (She didn't and wanted a clean break/started talking to another guy.) Needless to say, it's been a rough six weeks. Some of the issues in my marriage stemmed from the hurt I felt when my parents got divorced three years ago after 32 years of marriage. My Mother is terminally ill and my Dad is marrying his mistress tomorrow. I took a lot of the responsibility associated w/ taking care of my Mom when my Dad despite living three hours away. I was always close with both parents. My Mom was especially upset since this is taking place on the same weekend as Mother's Day.... My Dad is getting married in a city that my wife and I frequently traveled to together to see her family and some of my family. This is my first time here without her. In fact, his wedding ceremony will be held in a hotel that my wife and I visited when we were looking at wedding venues 6-7 years ago. Talk about ironic and even worse for me. My sister, who is also getting divorced, is also in town for this. My sister, who I haven't written a lot about in here, is dealing with her divorce and is having a lot of psychological issues. She had a bad eating disorder and is just all over the map emotionally. I'm trying to be strong for her. Needless to say, I'm not feeling great today. I was supposed to stay with my Dad and his fiancee tonight, but I hate his fiancee and decided just to stay an extra night at the hotel. My Dad wasn't happy about that. My Dad was a great dad to me; he was always there for me, but I just hate his fiancee. Her and I don't get along. She hated my wife as well. Sometimes, I wonder how I hold it all together. Between (i) my divorce, which is pending because who knows what's going with it because they haven't been able to serve my wife yet/my wife hasn't retained an attorney, (ii) my Dad marrying the woman he cheated on my Mom w/, (iii) my sister going through a very rough patch, and (iv) this wedding occurring in a city that my wife and I spent a lot of time in. Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend. I know she came to this area for Easter. I wonder how it was for her. It's hard as hell for me. Just looking for some words of encouragement here. I've been super active over the last six weeks. I've felt super strong. I just feel the wall of emotions hitting me tonight and I'm looking for some support. I had to fly here as well and felt anxious getting on the plane, despite traveling frequently for work.
  13. My parents divorced when I was little. And my dad eventually left the country and to in the US with our step mom. My mom stayed back home in Colombia. Sadly she passed away few years later. I was 18 when she died but I didn't start grieving until I was an adult on and off. Basically, I was informed that she wasn't doing too well prior her death. This was back when we didn't have accesses to immediate technology we have to today ie skype, facebook etc. I didn't even have my own phone and my communication was through my dad. I didn't take it seriously and i didn't make an effort to write her a letter .But her condition worsens and she died without me talking to her in her last days. She had written a letter to my dad for us call where she was hospitalized in her last day but my dad put off. I guess he didn't think it was that urgent. I wasn't aware of this until my step mom told him to go buy a long distance card to talk to my mom. But by that time it was too late. She had already gone. As a young 18 year old, I didn't realize how important my Mom was. As I matured , I started you are looking back and realized what I was too young to realize then, and the guilt and grief started to hit me now that I'm able to have real perspective now. Guilt has strucked me in my adult hood. For not making an effort to write to her. After reconnecting with her side of family back home, I was informed that she tried desparately to get in touch with me in during her last days. Her aunt even send someone to my grandfather, my dad's father to ask for his number so she could talk to me. But he couldn't provide it. I also recall at some point she wrote letter to my dad, stating she wasn't feeling well, asking for my pictures since it had been 4 years since we saw each other. I couldn't provide the pictures. I asked my dad but he never followed through. Now my stuck with with the shoulda, woulda, couldas. I could have asked other people where to buy a long distance card to talk to her since i already had my first job as a penny server. I could have wrote a letter and ask for the phone number where she was staying .I could have provided my dad's number so her Aunt who was taking care of her in her last days so she would have called instead of relying on my dad. I could have asked other people what i should do to get a photo taken. I didn't know where to go about it that time I'm now in 30's and I want to visit her resting place . will that help? I know she's gone but will seeing where she was buried help? Will telling her how sorry i am help me to alleviate my guilt. I feel like i let her down
  14. Hey there, so this is me, asking advice, on finally coming out after years of hiding it and suppressing what is truly me. I am 35 years old and have known since high school my attraction for women is a real thing. However, I've never said anything to anyone until recently. I've told 3 of my closest friends and they have been nothing but supportive. I am, however, married, to the father of my two children, which puts me in quite a predicament. Staying true to my husband, who I've been with for over 7 years, or be true to MYSELF and finally let myself become the person that I truly am.
  15. So, To start, I want to be a better mother. There are some things I’ve done that I’m not proud of and some incidents that have taken place in front of my daughter that I wish never had (arguing and fighting with her father, etc). I curse a lot and yell and sometimes I feel I am unclean as it relates to a household and how a woman should manage it. We don’t live in filth but I am a bit unorganized. Quite a bit. I didn’t have structure growing up. My mom was on drugs and I didn’t meet my father until 19. And I’m not making excuses, but sometimes I wonder if there is anything that I missed that I should’ve learned so that I could be a better example to my daughter. I see so many great examples of women and I’m like, why am I not naturally like that. Why do I have to seek help to figure out how to be a mother? What can I do to be the best example of a mother and woman to her and any other child that could possibly look up to me?
  16. I've always known I had issues with things like depression and anxiety, but after turning 25 recently it hit me how dysfunctional I am in general and I'm not sure what the best steps are to take to get help. I grew up with an alcoholic narcissist mother (father wasn't there much) and she sent me away to a wilderness and boarding school program at age 16. After getting out at age 18 I didn't know how to adjust back to the real world and started smoking weed all day every day. I also started stripping as I had issues keeping other jobs and focusing in school due to my addictions. It's now been almost 7 years of stripping and I've spent the majority of my money on plastic surgery which was not a wise idea (I have severe body dysmorphia, not that its a valid excuse for my actions). Over time I've developed alcoholism myself and I have an average of 5-10 drinks almost every day, and more recently a bit of a coke addiction as well. I'm currently staying back with my mom as she recently had surgery and I've been helping her out, but now she is healed and wants me out of her house and I'm not sure what the best move is. She is aware of my situation but doesn't really seem too concerned about it (my father is mentally ill himself and though he is a loving dad, can barely help himself yet alone me). Do I go to rehab? Counseling? AA meetings? I can tell it's a matter of time before something extremely disastrous happens. I'm not trying to come off with a victim mentality as I realize I've done this to myself, I'm just genuinely unsure of what the next move is and don't feel like I have anyone to turn to and help me. I do have other family I can go stay with for awhile if need be but I still don't know the next steps to take for long-term solutions. Thanks in advance.
  17. Hello! Wow, it’s probably been a good 7-8 years since I’ve been on here. I always would get sound advice on here, so I am glad to see this website is still up and running. It’s been a rough year for me. Laid off from my job in Nov 2017. Not a big deal to me. Was actively interviewing for opportunities when my father passed away in March unexpectedly. As his only child, everything got put on hold to take care of his estate. I received an inheritance of roughly 250k. This money was used to pay off my bills, my car, bought a new car, took a few vacations, and the rest has been put in savings and retirement. I have also paid some of my moms bills (she’s retired and has been very poor at managing her finances) as well as donated money to my sister and brother in laws church. The problem is, that doesn’t seem to be enough for them. My sister and her husband have fallen on hard times. They are both out of work and kind of struggling. She’s upset with me because I haven’t volunteered to give them any money. Ummmm, why should I?? Y’all have been married for 20 years. She had NEVER EVER asked me for a dime, why now all of a sudden are they struggling? She tells me I’m gonna reap what I sow, and if I don’t want to help, our mom is just going to move down to Vegas and help them, and I can pay my rent and my mortgage (I moved from Seattle to Portland, and my mom moved into my house). My question is, am I wrong for not wanting to help? I made it very clear in the beginning that I am not obligated to give anyone a dime. My dad left an inheritance for me, his only child. This money is for my future family, not my broke family who doesn’t know how to save their money. I appreciate any advice! Jessica
  18. Wanted to make her aware that she has the power, and remove some from her dad who she lives with. Told her she's at the age she can decide she wants to live with me. I don't really think she would which I mentioned as well. But she would have to go to court to make the change. Anyway, instead of feeling weak like I was feeling it gives me a sense of control too. I told her it would be a huge change, but she has said she wondered what she'd be like if she grew up with me instead. So I basically let her know she could change if she wanted. I'm frustrated with his neglectful attitude. She had on crocks no socks no winter coat. It's 8 degrees today. She says she owns a winter coat just didn't think she'd need it. I was like are you sure? Do you need me to buy you one? She said no. She keeps saying no and I don't know her size anymore. I am really want to buy her shoes and clothes. I said why did your parents let you leave like this? Of course she doesn't know. But that was frustration talking. I almost took a picture.
  19. Hello everyone, My fianceé decided to break our 5-year relationship last week, just about 15 days before our wedding. We've had an amazing relationship, I can't understate that. When I say amazing I mean it has all been incredibly weird, in a good way. We've had all sorts of adventures together. We used to do things like go track wolves in an unknown area with minimal gear and vivoac in improvised shelters during stormy weather, soaked to the bone. We've shared countless campfire nights, stayed wandering the winter forests up to the sunrise. We've shared unbelievable spiritual experiences, things I'd have considered absolutely not possible. We've gone as far as dying together.* But this last year, moving into a new place, reforming the house, the death of relatives, loss of many things I loved, starting a business while staying in my regular job (unpredictable schedule), and trying to make that wedding happen with very limited funds and time had damaged the relationship. I fell into a pattern of trying to grasp more than I could, getting myself more and more attached to the outcomes. I became increasingly stressed, worried, irritable and weak. As my chronic stress got worse, my ability to concentrate on multiple tasks and handle interruptions dropped drastically, and so did my performance on all tasks. I was in no situation for social interaction. *Some of you will be skeptical or think we should be institutionalised. I'll ask you to do the mental exercise of putting yourself in our place rather than judging the weirdness of it. It's all missing lots of details that would make me traceable. Eventually, she told me she couldn't marry me because I was not being the person she engaged, and she was feeling alone with me. That hurt me way more than it should have, because at the same time my friends decided to drop a year worth of complaints on me. A week later, she just dumped me despite a "significant improvement", in her own words. She said she didn't see me as a partner or potential good father anymore and didn't love me the right way anymore. She said she still loved me so much she'd die for me, but just couldn't stay in a relationship. She hasn't entirely ruled out being together again at some point but doesn't want to give me any hope. Something important to note is she has abandonment issues. Her father dissapeared when she was a toddler, and her step father did the same in her teens. That's probably her worst defect, she runs away from issues whenever hurt, and barely ever confronts them in time. She holds up her pain for as long as she's able to, then dissapears. After the worst three days of my entire life, I came to the conclusion that there was no way this year would have ended well. This event set my priorities straight, shock-erased long months of worry and attachment, and for the first time in many months I felt myself again. I started to see this as an opportunity to solve my issues and improve. While I'm looking forward to the future with a renewed thirst for life, and keep all options open, I'd definitely like to do everything in my hand to save this relationship. With the cloud of worry dissipated, I notice my own feelings were dulled. Now I'm feeling in love like a damn teenager. I'm looking for advice or psychological reads that may help put things in the right track. The easy part is going back to my better self, the difficult part will be tackling her fears and getting her to do the same while not making her feel pressured. I'm not even looking for advice on how to get her back, I'm sure she'll do as long as she can see me as a potential partner and father again, and as long as her fear doesn't get in the way. But even if she doesn't, I want us to help each other heal and grow, to improve each other. At least that would be a proper ending to a nice story. She's coming tomorrow to talk and decide whether to stay here, move, or go to her mother's place for a while. Coming from someone who usually just disappears, that's quite a good sign. My main concern right now is I could use some more time to work on myself by my own and focus on my own needs before being fully prepared to work together, but I'm not sure how distance will affect her abandonment fears. I'd also like to be prepared for the conversation that will happen tomorrow and have a better idea of what the best course of action is. Thank you for reading, ¿Any advice or good related reads?
  20. My girlfriend of 3 years was recently unfaithful with her kids’ father. She said it was only the one time and I believe her. She did however get pregnant from that night. She says she still loves me and still talks about a future with me and all the plans we had and that she knows what she did was a mistake and she regrets it terribly. I want to make our relationship work. I know people make mistakes and I do still trust her. However I know she is completely overwhelmed right now and I want to be there for her but I don’t want to push her away. What advice can someone give on what to do for us to fix our relationship without me sounding jealous and needy. I know she loves me from the way she still looks at me and the little gestures she does for me. How do we fix this?
  21. So a while back, during college, I met the most amazing girl I've ever met. I'm the exact opposite of someone who falls head over heels, but she was different, and I liked her more than any other girl I've ever known. Kind, intelligent, mature, mysterious, attractive... all the good things. She seemed to like me too, but then I started getting mixed signals; sometimes I'd catch her looking at me and she'd blush and look away. Sometimes I'd walk right past her and smile and say hello, and she would turn away and completely blank me. There was one time when I bumped into her and a friend unexpectedly walking around a corner, and she turned right around and walked back in the opposite direction (a complete dead-end) leaving her friend smiling at me. Other times she would smile at me or try to stand close to me. She didn't act like this around other guys (or anyone). She was normally so cool and calm. I was confused, but eventually realised she was just shy, which really took me by surprise (she was way out of my league, and usually I'm the shy one). But anytime I spoke to her one on one she would hardly speak back, and I got more and more confused, and increasingly nervous. But on top of this, I had real turmoil in my life. Throughout that whole semester my dad (a poor father, by his own admission) was threatening suicide and blaming it on me; no one else in my family was in contact with him and the burden fell on me (he never did kill himself, he was being manipulative, and during this time I realised I had to cut him off, which was a hard thing to do). I was working late nights to barely pay my rent in a mold-infested flat, and the college workload was intense. I felt like I was using all my mental, physical and emotional energy just to keep myself afloat, and even though I really liked this girl, dealing with the confusion between us was just more than I could handle at the time. I never asked her out, things trailed off, she moved away, and we didn't speak or see each other again. With time and reflection I recently realised that this silence might have really hurt her feelings (it hurt mine), and I decided to message her happy birthday, which was kind of weird because we hadn't spoken for more than a year and we'd never never spoken online. She sent a nice thank-you message back, but when I asked her what was she up to she never responded. -Did I hurt her feelings? -Is she rejecting me? -Is she still just being shy? -Has she moved on? -Should I move on? -Was it wrong not to ask her out? -What should I do next? Thanks for listening, looking forward to your thoughts and advice. Folkling.
  22. Not too long ago while using my husbands phone (mine had died) a message came through facebook messenger, considering we have a joint facebook account I opened the messages it was a girl from his hometown they'd be talking for a few months ,I thought it was weird how I never received these messages as we share the page.. I then figured out he'd changed the settings to secret conversation which means only his phone receives her messages on that particular conversation.. Through the whole conversation they referred to each other as babe he said he couldn't wait to see her... I noticed she asked for money a lot and have transferred over $200 to her all up, the twisted thing is she was sending photos of her baby and man and she knows my husband is married and that we have a four year old son!!! By the way she's in another country 6 hours away by flight. I confronted him straight away because my father cheated on my mother for three years and I refused to let it go on... My husband got mad and denied that's how I knew he was lying, he finally fessed up.. And said that she told him he was the father to her 7 year old that's when figured out he had not seen her for 8 and a bit years so the timing didn't add up..to back up they got drunk one night 8 and a half years ago while he was holidays back home and they both woke up in a hotel together not knowing whether they had slept together. Anyways he confronted her and she confessed she'd lied and my husband cut her off ,What I don't understand was the flirting I don't know if it's because we can't have kids of our own (our son is adopted) and he felt connected to this woman thinking this was his child ,I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we talked things through.. Just days later my husband phone was buzzing constantly so I went to silence it.. I noticed his text messages were locked, I knew straight away he was up to something so I guessed his code, it was our anniversary 💔 he was texting another chick called Nicole, he was calling her beautiful and saying he couldn't wait to see her, on Monday which infuriated me because we had planned something.. I tried calling her but she didn't answer.. I confronted him again, of course he denied it saying it was his friend using his phone... But I recently went onto snapchat and found a girl named Nicole on his snapchat conversations...and discovered his been talking to more girls one named Monica I dont understand he snapchats with me all the time, so these girls know his married! And yes I'm furious at him but I can't leave I have a son to think of, my family live interstate and overseas.. If I leave I have to move far away.. Im so confused and hurt I just don't know what to do, I can't even tell anyone because I don't trust anyone anymore.. Someone please help me my heart is hurting so much I thought after all we'd been through that I was his one and only 💔 Heart broken Housewife
  23. I am on a journey of healing from abuse and in recovery from addiction. I have made strides and am feeling better than ever. My family won't let go. I am living with them at almost 30 years old, and as the scapegoat I am told that this is because I am too sick to take care of myself. That might be why I moved back home initially, yet that was YEARS ago--and since then I have completed a certification to change careers and paid off loads of debt. Plus I'm sober and the only one in my family in therapy (how is that possible). As I grow more and more capable, their sickness becomes more apparent. The abuse is more covert. I'm starting to think I might be in real danger. There is no respect for my life or autonomy here. They would rather force me to drink water out of a moldy carafe and get sick then admit that the carafe needs to be washed or to even let me wash it without berating me as I do it. I mean, things need to be maintained and cleaned, that's science...am I living in some kind of cult? The other day I heard my 15 year old sister say "what's a quarter?" after she told me that she didn't have "toxins". Apparently only I have those. I'm mortified. I must have been underground for the last 10 years to miss my sister's steady decline. She is "homeschooled". Well it's called "un-schooling" which is my mom's way of justifying complete neglect. I reported them to CPS several years ago, just to have a real investigation and to ease my own guilt of having to witness the abuse without the power to stop it. All the police and county did was traumatize me and my sister further and left us to go home with our abusers. After that I was labeled a traitor and I don't think my parents or sister will ever forgive me for that. I'm too old to stay here, and the reason I stick around is so my sister doesn't feel abandoned. My sister and I went 15 years without a single fight--and now my family is hitting me where it truly hurts. They are pitting her against me. She bullies me, she is afraid of me, and she thinks I am the evil witch doctor, all of the sudden. After 15 years of being best friends. At the same time my dad begs me to stay because he is obviously the next in line scapegoat, as my mother gaslights, ignores, emotionally blackmails, smears my reputation, and humiliates me and him regularly while she handicaps my sister. At Christmas with extended relatives, people laughed nervously when my mom told me to "sit" and my dad to "stay", just like a person would speak to trained dogs. Later she said that was a joke, and something must be wrong with me for not being able to take a joke. My dad isn't much better as he has full devotion to his wife and totally trusts her judgement, even as it obviously falls apart, or even when it contradicts his own intuition. I'm working this out. I've dated a lot of sociopaths in the past so I understand how to exit slowly. Where I'll go is another story. My biggest concern right now is how I'm going to leave the house alone (for the first time in 2 months) without them chasing me into the street or demanding a long explanation and interrogating me about who I'm with. I just want to go to the movies like any 30 year old without answering my parent's questions or hearing their threats minutes before I go out. . Does anyone have any insight or strategies to share? The last time I caused any narcissistic injury to my mom she threatened to take me to the "doctor" which is kind of this weird tactic that used to scare me as a kid but it's creepy to hear as an adult when they legally have no right to do that unless I am injuring myself or others. My dad also said he would get me put in jail but I am off probation and am free from any life of crime at all, I make a point to follow the law so I can avoid jail. Is it possible for them to do these things to me? How do I protect myself in the event that I am falsely accused of something?
  24. I don’t freaking get it anymore. I continue to try because. She tells me she likes me, she tells me she’s into me, she tells me she’s attracted to me. We talk every single day and won’t go to sleep until we call eachother and say goodnight. She tells me I’m in the top of her list and she misses me when she doesn’t see me but she rarely wants to hang out. I have asked this girl out and she has said yes. But we haven’t really dated. Just hang out. The last 2 times I tried to see her she Was already at her dads house and didn’t want to. I understand things are going on in her life and I’m trying. THe other day she was sad about something so I offered to hang out with her to keep her company and again. Thank you but I’m ok. I just wanna be alone. She Made plans to see me the other day and she didn’t. We have plans this week and I doubt she’s going to keep those too. What I don’t understand is all this, flirting, talking, seduction stuff she’s doing if she doesn’t wanna see me. I opened up truthfully the last time and told her that I really wanted to see her. But she said thank you but not tonight. Don’t get me wrong I nderstand she was pissed off at her dad then and probably didn’t wanna deal with anyone. But in honesty in the back of my head it’s bull crap. Yea I know she got into a fight with her dad, but she probably just wanted to see someone else that night and not me. Thats the thought in the back of my head. It might be false but who knows. My question is, am I putting up with to much. Or am I being unfair? I have posted before, and I wanted to update
  25. I don't really know where to begin with this but, I just have never really enjoyed my parents company. You would have figured that after I aged out of my teens this would have changed, but really all that is different is that I'm not bitter and angry around them anymore. Even now into my twenties, I still don't like spending time with them. I cringe at the thought of "bonding" with my parents. It's not like I don't feel grateful to them, it's just like there's never been an emotional connection. I grew up seeing other kids express their love towards their parents (taking selfies, going on "dates" with them, doing activities you'd also do with good friends) and I have since wondered what's wrong with me to not feel that way towards mine. It feels like a forced relationship, and I'm just trying to make the best of it because I can't escape. They did not abuse me; you'd consider them to be generally "normal" parents. Obviously, no ones perfect, and my dad does have anger outbursts (always has since I was a child), and most times my mom would shrink back and let him express this anger towards me (never hitting, just yelling). An example of this is when I was still learning to drive, we took a trip to see my older brother (via the freeway). My dad insisted on me driving to gain experience, and he essentially expected me to do whatever he said (to simulate a driving test). Well I felt really uncomfortable pulling to the side of the freeway and eventually he made me by yelling, got out, went around, tried the driver's door and banged on the window (I thought it would break) because it was locked. I looked to my mom for reassurance and she stayed absolutely silent, just let my dad continue to berate me as I cried the rest of the way. I think that was the time I felt the most disappointed in my mom. Also when I was in junior high/high school, the internet/social media was booming and my parents severely restricted my access because they thought I was going to give strange men my address. I understood the concern as valid, but tried to explain that I am aware of these kinds of situations, and I'm old enough to not be so stupid as to do something like that. I told them I would never let myself become persuaded to give my information. What I said didn't matter, they put parental locks on the computer for years. I felt like a baby. None of my friends had these limitations. I think what bothered me the most about this part was that my parents didn't trust me to make good decisions, even though I clearly showed competence. As a little kid, my dad made me cry on Christmas eve because he had me convinced that a gift I had gotten was a hamster/kitten/etc. when in reality it was a teddy bear. I opened it and started bawling when I should have been excited to receive such a nice present. He did it for laughs, and my mom did nothing to stop him. Anyways, I'm kind of just rambling at this point. I don't know if these examples have anything to do with me not feeling emotionally close to my parents or not. Like I said, they didn't abuse me, and outside of situations like these ones things were pretty normal. They've done/still are doing a lot for me. I guess my "question" is really just, has anyone else experienced these feelings or, I guess, lack thereof? Sorry this is longer than I expected it to be...
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