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About Me

  1. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  2. I decided to start this as a place to park my hodgepodge of thoughts and what's going on in my life. Had a great Easter yesterday- I had to drive a few hours to the airport to pick my son up from his trip to France and Spain. He had a great time and it seems like he grew up over night! It was so great to have both boys home and with me. Since I had them for Easter, I asked them what kind of meal they wanted and I went and bought the groceries for a nice Easter dinner. Then I get a text from my ex, saying his mom and dad are inviting me and the boys to Easter brunch at their house. Well I didn't really want to go because my ex and his gf would be there. But the boys wanted to go and they wanted me to come. So I told them I would drop them off, pop in to say hi to friends and ex's family, then pick them up later. It took a lot of courage. But Despite that, I actually had fun! My ex and his gf sat on the other side of the room, although at one point his gf complemented a necklace I was wearing. It was fun to catch up with people I essentially have not seen in 4 years since the breakup. Oh the things I do for my sons... Well afterwards I made that nice dinner and we had it by candle light- just before I had to take them to their dad's for the week.
  3. No one in this world loves me. I'm not close to my moms family and I live my life alone with no family around me. I got in contact with my estranged father after 20 years of no contact and found out that he has a 10 year old daughter. I made a mistake and looked him up on Facebook and his daughter is extremely beautiful. There are so many pictures of them out and about doing things and I developed this toxic jealousy against her and I feel terrible about it. I'm realizing he will never love me as much as he loves her. She's his little girl. Not me. He doesn't even know me. He attempts to message me almost every day but its normally just small talk. I want this relationship to work out but I struggle with the fact that he is very capable of living life without me. He did it for 20 years. What should I do about this?
  4. Hello. I will try to explain myself as simply as I can. I had some relation problems in July and I asked help from here. Firstly, let me summarize that relationship: I had an online relationship, then we have seen each other several times in reel life, we had some jeaolusy problems and someday i couldn't give enough care and time to him because of my own problems. Then, on June, he decided to end our relationship, and I tried to get him back with a trick: I wanted him to be jealous of me. I wanted him to regret his decision about ending this relationship and I wanted him to try to win me back. This childish idea obviously didn't work and he left me completely, and I couldn't win him back. Until last week, I begged for 3 months to win him back, but no mather what I did, it didn't work. Finally, I got tired and gave up. I deleted him on everywhere and I didn't see him later. And I made a promise to myself; I won't see him ever in my whole life. At this point, I tried to focus on the other things in my life. Like my family and my school. But hey... there was a problem. I was so preoccupied with my relationship problems that everything else was "secondary issue" to me. Even myself and my mental health was a "secondary issue" to me... I thought that if I could get my boyfriend back, I could handle everything else. And now, I have to face and deal with that crooked idea. First of all, I explained the whole story to my mother (firstly I have to admit I had an online relationship, yes I prefer "admit" word because it is a "no-no" in her opinion). I did this to end all my feelings for him and create a point of no return... She was very angry (as always) and she threatened me with my father. She said "I will tell everything to your father and he will beat you. Because by talking to people you don't know, you put not only yourself in danger but also us." I begged her a lot and finally she changed her mind. But my father already understood the tense atmosphere at home and kept asking what was going on. So I made a deal with my mother : We told him a fabrication lie about one of my girl classmates and my mother acted like "an overprotective mother", and I acted like "a stupid girl who believes to everyone so quickly". We said "my girl classmate wanted to meet me at a very suspicious place, and my mother was damn right to not allow me to go." We never mentioned that there is a man or love in this story. My father didn't believe at first, but my mother and I kept pretending and eventually "case closed" on the very same night. I also had to deal with my school problems. Today, I went to my school and I "learned" that I would be dismissed from the school, because I could not complete my classes on time. I thought I still had a year to finish my school, but it wasn't. Problem is about my lessons, not about my thesis, actually. If I had completed all my courses in 2 years and had to submit only my thesis, I would have had 1 additional year. But I could not complete my courses and my thesis in 2 years. And because of my failed courses, they won't give that additional 1 year to me. So I had to first deregister at the school and then re-register. And it means we have to pay extra "money". Actually, I've asked my school-advisor about this topic before. But maybe I didn't ask correctly, or maybe he misunderstood me... Somehow, here is the situation. I can't do anything to fix it. I came home, trying not to throw myself in front of passing cars... Because, only 4 days ago, my mother literally told me these very sentences : "This is the second and the very last chance I'm giving to you. There won't be a next chance. So make up your mind and don't do other stupid things anymore." -- Additionally, that first chance was my first relationship in the university and she said for years that I'm so lucky for she didn't kick me out of the house. -- [I have to describe my relationship with my mother right now: It always scared me that she was so tough and angry. She had literally minimal tolerance for me, because of the problems she had with his own family and my father. I remember very-well, I was a primary school girl and my mom told me about her marital problems and wanted me to "understand" her and not tire her. She always said that, I was the only reason she was still married, and it always made me feel on edge. I had no right to make mistakes, I just had to be grateful for the opportunities my parents gave me, go to school and get a job.] Anyway. Luckily I was alone at home and had the opportunity to think about the situation. Unlike other days, today my dad came home first and I explained my school problems to him in my mother's absence. I wanted his help. I suggested keeping it a secret, but firstly we had to create "a believable lie". Thus, for the first time in my life, I shared a problem with my father. Surprisingly, he didn't react like my mother had told me for years. He didn't hit me. He didn't shout. He was even not angry. He did not humiliate -or- insult me. All I saw was disappointment, though he didn't say that, but I could tell it by the tone of his voice. He just listened to me with patience and offered me a way out when I finished my speech. I told the first part of the lie we prepared tonight, everything went well so far. I hope my mom will believe me when I say the other part and I can get away with it without she messing with it anymore. [By the way, I'm not as bad as you probably think... I feel so ashamed and regretful in my deep. I will never ever lie to both of them anymore, because all of this process is so painful and all I can feel is remorse, guilt and fear.] Now my question is... If I can get through this situation before my lie is exposed, should I tell both of them what they don't know after it's all over? Should I explain everything in the end? Or is it best to be dishonest and stay in the shadows for a lifetime? Or do you have any other ideas? Please feel free to share your thoughts with me, it would be really appreciated, because I need all different viewpoints in my situation. Thank you for your precious time. I hope you never have to lie to your parents because it really feels so guilty, especially when your last activity before sleeping is give them a good-night kiss
  5. Hello everyone and thank you for visiting this topic. My family is facing some problems right now related to my father behavior. Currently I am 24 years old and I am working remotely from home, living with my father and my mother. My older sister is married and my middle brother works abroad and I am the little son. The problem I am going to talk about does not involve bullying or anything of that kind, it's just something that is becoming annoying and I wish I could find a solution. My father is a retired man, taking good care of all of us. He has a little brother, who is the CEO of the company where my brother is employed. Of course he got him this job and it's been nearly 5 years. Since then, I am feeling like my father is becoming so needy, pleaser and clingy to my uncle. All of us noticed it. He wants to involve him in any kind of subject : If I am looking for an internship, he insists that we should take his advice. If I got an offer from some company or whatever, he wants me to share it with him. That's the case for all of the family members and not only me : For example, lately my brother came back for some vacations with us and he noticed that my uncle bought a new car, so he casually said that the car is good, but he didn't even take a good look at it. Later in the same day, my uncle called my father and guess what my old man told him ? He said that my brother was overwhelmed by the car and he wanted to wash it and drive it so much that he went crazy ... I hope you see my point here. Things are escalating and it's becoming ass kissing. He also treats my uncle's son, my cousin way better than he ever treated us. He is so friendly towards him and always jokes with him. He barely does that with me or my brother. My uncle never treats me, or my brother in that way, I respect him so much and we get along, but not in a friendly way. the same thing goes with my uncle's wife, which annoys my mother so much. I just can't stand it anymore. He makes us feel like lackeys. He just abandons all self worth and confidence and makes us look pathetic. I am 100% sure that if he had to choose between his family and his brother, he would go for his brother. He wants me to join my uncle's company so much too, which I never intend to do if this keeps up, because the ass kissing will evolve and that's the last thing I want. Even when I mentioned that I want to work in Japan, where my brother works, but in a different company, he tried to convince me not to because there is a possibility that my uncle will get mad because I went there without his approval and not in his company ... What the hell was that ? Believe me, it's driving me crazy even though I am a calm person. That is my decision to make and my uncle is not my father ! He did not help me in any way throughout my studies and I don't owe him anything, why the hell should I give up on something I want to experience or try, just to satisfy him ? You see ? I want to let out my anger at my father for his behavior. I want to yell at him so much to the point I am sure that It will end up with a serious argument and fight. Believe me it's affecting even my mental health. I will be graduating soon but my thoughts are concentrated on this instead of my graduation project. Finally, thank you so much for reading this towards the end. What do you suggest I do ? What do you think of my situation ? Thank you in advance
  6. So I'm 23 and it was the day before I moved across the country so I stayed at my father and his new wife's house. The morning I was going to leave his wife went to work so my dad and I decided we should go to breakfast as we usually do. He came out in a towel and hugged me telling me how much he was going to miss me. He started rubbing my back, then he moved his hand to my lower back and went under my shirt rubbing my back. I tried to pull out of the hug as I felt super weirded out and uncomfortable. He then kissed me super soft and sensually on the lips (I've pecked my mom on the lips for years but never my dad). When he did this I tensed my entire body and try to pull away completely disgusted. He held me harder and tried to pull me back in for another kiss. I managed to turn my face so he kissed my cheek. I was in shock and disbelief so I quickly said he should get changed and we should get going before I had to leave and begin my move. I had every urge to drive away and not speak to him but the part of me that loves my dad stayed and thought that didn't just happen. I still don't know if this is considered abuse but I know it felt beyond wrong. I don't know what to do and haven't told anyone.
  7. Hi all I had figured my codependency thread was becoming a bit more like a journal. More information can be found in my first thread where a number of issues began. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548598 The past three years since my Dad passed away have been hard, not helped by the codependency of the relationship I went through shortly at the end of 2017 (see above). Dwelling on her for so long has not been healthy, and it's only thanks to this site and my counsellor that I think I can say, I'm finally moving on. After putting four stone on last year, I'm now finally losing it again....down a stone and half as of this morning. I've been big most of my life and I've lacked confidence/self loathed terribly. I've been infatuated with many a girl through my teens, but all I ever did was tell my friends, they would tell her friends.....and I'd never talk to them. My first proper relationship was when I was 19 with a girl I met on a music course (I play viola). In fairness she wasn't a nice person, and tried to change me....and in truth I wasn't that in to her. I liked girls at music college, but they came to nothing as I'd never talked to them. I moved back home with my late dad and the weight ballooned over the years. With my Dad around I had the companion and best friend I wanted, and the thought of ever being romantically involved with anyone, essentially disappeared. This changed when he died in August 2017 after two years with a lung condition. A month later I decided to start online dating......and the rest is history as I embarked an unhealthy relationship with someone who wasn't right for me, but by being codependent....I got my fingers burnt (I refer you to the thread linked at the top). So here we are 3 years on.......and I'm rebuilding myself. No more hiding away..... I'm 35 and time is going to pass me by if I continue to live this sheltered life. I've become somewhat isolated and cut myself off over the past few years. I'm losing weight, and working on my confidence and becoming the guy I always wanted to be. If you'd like to join me on my journey, you'd be more than welcome.
  8. I wish I wasn’t mixed. I’m 18. I’m black/white; African dad, European mom. I currently live in the United States, but growing up, I lived all over Europe. My dad is a former professional football player and he played for a few clubs in Europe, so we moved frequently when I was younger. We settled in the States after my dad retired. Been here a few years. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my mixed heritage. And it’s always made me feel guilty cause my parents are really great, loving and supportive; I’m lucky to have them. I feel like my feelings are a betrayal to them. But I’ve just never been comfortable with my ethnicity. Due to a number of factors, really. From experiences with both sides of my parents' families to the way I have interacted with the many new environments I have been exposed to throughout my life. It’s just a culmination of things, really. I’ve lived in places where I was too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. So I never really fit in. I’m constantly asked questions about my ethnicity cause of the way I look – I was bullied when I was little cause I have curly blonde hair, blue eyes and brown skin. When I was in primary school, people said I looked like a freak. These days I don’t get bullied about my appearance, however, people are ALWAYS asking about my ethnicity and the reason I look the way I do. It kind of makes me feel like a circus freak. An exotic creature people ogle. As a result I am pretty withdrawn from society. I’m a loner, to be honest. My parents are always getting on my case cause I prefer to stay in my room, instead of interacting with society. I go off to college next year and I’m so afraid. A girl I had a casual relationship with said my insecurity isn’t racial, but rather, cultural. Because I have lived in so many places due to my dad's former profession, I’ve never really had a place I can call home – a place I can identify with. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But honestly, I do envy people who are of one “race.” I know every single person in the world has their problems, no matter the background. But I do wish I wasn’t mixed. I feel so bad feeling like this cause I love my parents but it is just how I feel. How do I grow beyond this?
  9. Basically since 2019 my mother and father has been divorced. My father moved out in April 2020 because they would argue constantly everyday at home for many reasons. My mom feels as if he walked out on my family as their was a pandemic that just started and she wanted to move out at the same time. My father apologized and acknowledged he was wrong for leaving at such a bad time and not sitting the family down before making that decision and making a plan. He lives still in the town in a small apartment. Whenever I even bring up his name her whole attitude will change after would yell at me for just saying his name. She wants me to let him know that what he did was wrong and not speak to him. In april/may me and him barely spoke because I thought it was wrong of him leaving and spoke to him minimal. He would apologize to me many times and to the whole family & I realized that not speaking to him would only make things worse and I wanted them to at least be able to communicate so they could co-parent. Still in september I get yelled at by her for even just trying to help the situation and in the house I live in it's very uncomfortable because nobody wants to speak to one another. I don't know how to treat the situation or what to do because im only 17 and can't move out or stay anywhere .
  10. He discontinued his dialysis Friday. I am going to say goodbye tomorrow. I am.... broken.
  11. Straight to the point. I fall in love hard, once every 10 years. First time at 19, second at 29, third, one month before my 39th birthday. These are all girls that I wanted to spend my life with. I can understand why the first two did not work out but the most recent was such a heart break that I am finding it hard to cope. I'll give you a little background to the whole scenario. 38 years old, I decided that I was not going to look for anyone. Just get on with my life and enjoy myself. In February of this year, I meet a girl. She is 27. I have no interest in her whatsoever. She starts coming onto me. Asking me to sit next to her. Telling my close friend that she feels rejected because I will not kiss her. I relented. I fell in love. Maybe this was the one. We started to spend a lot of time together. She was my first for a lot of things. Not sex. The small simple every day things that people take for granted. First time we went shopping at the supermarket. First time Someone stayed over at my place, cooked dinner together, went for walks at odd times, shared songs. When she told me that she loved me, my heart swelled up. I was almost euphoric. At the start of April she decided to go to her parents to look after her mum. Due to the current situation. I would message her everyday and get a reply maybe 3 or 4 days later. Never a phone call. I started to sense that I was losing her. My guess turned out to be right. She said we had nothing in common, that we don't laugh enough. We should be friends first. I found myself emotionally compromised. I told her to come pick up her things and leave. I'll admit this was my mistake but I was really hurt. I lost the ability to make rational decisions. She comes with her dad. Gets her stuff. I don't see her or say anything. A month later she calls me. She is at her new flat. It's a mess. She doesn't like it. She's crying. Being me, I tell her not to worry. I pick her up. We collect her belongings the next day. She settles into the spare room. Then she goes completely cold. She won't talk to me. As soon as I enter any common area she walks out. I buy her flowers and she ignores the gesture. A week later she brings a guy over to the house. Albeit, she is now single and she has her own space. I tell her that I still love her and that she can have a few months to find some where else to stay. Fine, she says. The next day, whilst I am out, her dad and brother come over to the house and take all her belongings. She then blocks me on all forms of communication. No warning, no reason.
  12. My now ex boyfriend and I went to high school together. He dated my good friend and they broke up. He and I started hooking up and he took my virginity. Fast forward a few years after losing touch he wrote me in my dms. We started dating and it ended after a year because he wasn’t ready, especially when I wanted him to meet my family. After a year of not talking we got back together and dated for 2 and a half years. He’s black. I’m white. I have never liked any race of males but black males. I have made it known to my family since I was 12. I just knew who I was attracted too. My family never said they had issue with my taste. Well, my family is close and we do Sunday dinners and random birthdays and dinners. He (my bf at the time) rarely came around. When he would come he was on his phone and very distant. I told him how my dad is huge on dumb things like hi and bye. He’s old school Italian. He expressed he doesn’t like my dad from the start. He called him a dictator because everyone in my family but myself bows down to him and never speak up against him. He also didn’t like that he was a trump supporter, as well as other family members. We moved in at the 2.5-3 year mark of dating. We lived for free in my dad’s condo he owns. All we had to do was cut the grass, snow removal, and help get new condos ready when they became available. It was a few months into living together and he started saying “something isn’t right with your family”. As months went on he would express that it isn’t okay they voted for and still support trump because he’s racist. It’s my family it was hard for me to see that. With my family I always had my boyfriend’s back. With my boyfriend I always tried to have my family’s side (depending on what). Well 4 months into living together we went to my niece’s birthday and he saw a confederate flag hanging in their laundry room. He was understandably offended and disgusted. As was I. I tried to educate my family on the confederate flag. For example I texted them articles and highlighted. My sister n law came back with “don’t like it, don’t come” my dad said “shut the up and find a new topic to talk about”. I told my boyfriend this, as I was upset and told him everything. I continually tried to educate my family even 9 months later and some just can open their eyes to how the confederate flag is flag out racist. They try to say it’s country and all that bs. So that was the first incident. Second was Christmas Eve drunk uncle and dad threw orange peels. My bf said if someone hits me I’m chucking a cupcake. He chucked a cupcake down at the table and hit my dad with it. we left later on and he didn’t say bye or thank you to my dad. This was pent up tension. Christmas Day we went over to talk to my parents.. a talk I’ve been wanting to do for months but nobody would. I just knew they all weren’t getting along. Well my boyfriend and dad began shouting at each other. My dad doesn’t respect that my boyfriend is getting his masters degree. The reason he didn’t come around a lot is because of being in grad school on top of having a full time job. In reality he also didn’t want too and didn’t feel comfortable around my family, but only I knew that deep down. He never admitted it. He was cursing off at my dad and my dad back. My dad said something along the lines of idk how you were raised and what you were taught as respect” that made my bf lose it and walk out. I followed behind after saying some choice words to my parents. After that 6 months went by and bf and family didn’t see each other at all. During this time is when he really strayed expressing how he feels they’re racist. I just couldn’t see it. I would have their side. I understood the trump part as time went on. I would try to have him leave the politics out, but now I understand how supporting trump an outward racist makes them racist. 3.5 years in and he broke up with me. I said I would move out and separate from my family but he said no, you’ll eventually talk to them one day and we can’t have half black kids having a relationship with ignorant close minded people. I get that. I agree. I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to that. To this day a month later from our break up and him moving out he said that he can never ever be with me again. He said time and time again I couldnt see that they are racist and I didn’t believe him and I stuck up for them calling them ignorant. He said he can never ever be with me again. I just love him so much. I don’t think I’ll ever love someone like I love him. I also don’t think I can bring someone around my family ever again because it isn’t fair to expose a black man to ignorant people and expect them to have any sort of relationship. I don’t like any other race or ethnicity of males. I don’t know what to do. I wish my now exboyfriend would forgive me and move away and start a life with me separate from my family. Am I wrong for thinking that. Does anyone have similar experience? What did you do? Any advice is so greatly appreciated.
  13. Hello, I am recently engaged and am getting married next year. When I first started talking to my fiance some time ago, I told her I had a college degree (which I was a semester away from completing but put on hold for personal reasons). She has a successful career and I was worried that not having a degree would deter her from wanting to date me so I fabricated the truth in the moment even though it was clearly a bad decision. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I figured it wouldn't really have an impact on our relationship because I had a good job so I kept the lie up. Now I am in a situation where her dad is trying to get me hired on at his job which is requiring me to send a copy of my diploma (which I don't have). I am currently panicking because I'm worried that me coming clean about it will ruin our relationship because we've been together for about 18 months with her and her parents being under the impression that I graduated. If I don't come clean about it though, she will find out anyway because I'm assuming this job will tell her dad that I didn't get the position because I don't have a degree. Is there a way to salvage this situation or am I about to lose everything? Any advice is appreciated. Just a side note this is the only thing I have kept from her and we don't have any trust issues whatsoever. Thanks
  14. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  15. I just found out my dad is paying my sister’s rent for her to live with my mom. My sister is 35 and a full time school teacher. She has been a moocher her whole life and will do anything to use someone else’s money. I feel so annoyed and aggravated. My sister has rarely ever lived on her own. She says she is saving for a house, but lots of people are. We are polar opposites. I have lived in a different state than my family since I went to college. I have never had my parents help to pay rent or bills. My sister has made it seem like I am a bad child because I live in another state and “do nothing for them”. My parents are getting older but my sister does very little for them and what she does do, she doesn’t do out of the goodness of her heart. She has already tried to get me written out of my dad’s will and went behind my back when my dad was sick and got him to sign a POA and other documents naming only her. I sort of just let her fail on her own, knowing my sister would not handle the things she said she would- for example she moved in with him to take care of him... it turned into him caring for her. I ended up having to call elder abuse on her because she hit him and refused to leave. She was a joint tenant on the lease. I got her to leave and that’s when she went to live with my mom. I recently learned she convinced my dad to pay her rent as “he is the reason she has to pay rent now.” I feel like she is taking advantage of him. She is already getting more in the will. She gets 55 percent and I get 45 percent. She also made me agree to not take a percent as excutor of the will. I agreed only because I don’t trust her and before under the will my sister made him sign, she was the executor. I am the attorney. My dad asked me to take over as executor of my uncle’s will when he passed away. My sister to this day- complains how I was able to get a percent from managing it and she wasn’t given a chance to do it- mind you she never even asked to do it when it came up. I feel like she is already getting more as she does a little more for him. She takes him to the grocery store, appointments, the bank... mind you she got him to sign over his car to her for $1 when he was sick and not competent. He told her since that she can keep the car provided she brings him to the appointments. He eventually signed updated documents making both of us POA. His attorney recommended removing my sister, but he won’t as I am not there- although I can do a lot and do stuff online for him or by mail. I am pissed my sister is getting my dad to pay her rent to live with my mom. She doesn’t clean for him- me calling elder abuse hooked him up with services to help him with cleaning. I don’t trust her. I have basically no relationship with her. I hate visiting because I hate dealing with her. Both my parents have enabled her forever. I want my dad to stick up for himself and tell her no- but he is scared she will not give him rides. When I am home- she vanishes and I do everything for him. She is a teacher- has summers off. I get only a few weeks and my job is a lot more stressful. I don’t want to visit if it means I am stuck working. I have offered to find someone to help clean out the house- he is a hoarder... and I can’t go on there as it smells very bad and I am very sensitive to smells. With my dad’s rent, and him paying my sister’s rent, his money is quickly draining. Hopefully eventually he will let us clear out the house and sell it. That is another sore issue as he seems to have offered to give it to my sister, and she can use his money to fix it up.. that way his stuff can stay in the basement... I don’t really care if he did that as he has made it clear that I would still get 50 percent of the house when he dies- he always says 50 percent even though I know I’ll only get 45 with the way the will is drafted. I know I could likely sue my sister and get 50-50 if I wanted but I am not looking to one up her or drain my dad’s money... I am okay with her getting a little more, since I know she has done some stuff for him, and I have a job and will still be all right... I know my sister is still fighting my dad to get a higher percent... and using threats. over his head. My dad talked about moving back into his house with her and I had to remind him that he can’t live with her. She is abusive and he really doesn’t have the money to give my sister his house and buy a condo for himself. She should be buying her own house. My mom doesn’t seem to care. She seems to think my dad is playing both of us- and he is sorta. He never told me about the money he was paying for rent until my sister wanted me to call him because he was going back on our agreement as to when we would have someone clear out the house. I like my life away from them. I can’t do the drama. Part of why I will never return is that I was emotionally abuse by my dad as a child while he physically abuse my mom. I was a lot more in involved than my sister... having even called the police once when my mom told me to during one of their incidents after he pushed me for trying to protect my mom. My family refuses to see that they are part of the reason I left where they live and I created my own life. My sister is a lot like my dad. It was ironic in the way listening to my dad say how abused he was by her and thinking... this is how you made mom and me feel. I doubt I’ll ever have a relationship with my sister. Part of me just wants to say hell with it- I am done with all of you- do whatever you want and never talk to any of them again. I know I won’t do that, but I am so tired of seeing my sister take advantage of everyone. I have offered for my dad to move to where I live... at one point he even seemed to consider it. The sad thing is I wouldn’t want more. I just want 50-50 as we are both his kids. I had offered to buy two houses next door to each other and he turned me down. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should be greatful my sister drives him to appoinments and take him to the store... it just seems like me any child should do those things without needing to get more for it. I asked my dad- well how long are you going to have to pay her rent for... he didn’t know the answer. He just said that she told him that he needs to pay his rent since he was living for free with my dad- and blames him for her not living there. It’s her fault. If she hadn’t left I would have been forced to call the police and get an order of protection. She takes no responsibility. She blames the victim. Idk if I should call elder abuse on her again since she is making him feel like he has no choice. I likely won’t... but I am so sick of her taking advantage. She makes enough to pay for her own rent. She makes enough to pay for her own car. She makes enough to pay for her own food. The only reason she was living with my dad rent free was because she was supposed to care for him- which she didn’t do. She never cooked or cleaned for him. I think it’s scary that a 35 year old lives in someone else bedroom and owns like nothing... she has no tv, no furniture... everything in that room except for her clothing is my mother’s.
  16. So I’m 25 and my ex has just turned 33. About 8 weeks ago my dad passed away very suddenly and it really took a toll on me, about two weeks after his death my ex and I got into a massive argument over something silly (he had become distant since the passing of my dad). Well the day after the massive argument I rang him whilst he was at work and decided that I needed to leave and for us to break up, he wasn’t being supportive of my family (I’m a carer for my sisters) and I don’t blame him because my god are they ed up but I felt like I had to chose between him and my family and he said he felt like he was “losing himself” so I thought the best thing would be for me to leave. Well since then I’ve realised this was the stupidest decision I’ve ever made, however he won’t talk to me. I just feel upset that after nearly 4 years together it’s ended like this? I suppose I’m just looking for some advice as to whether I can make it right between us, we had a very loving relationship before my dad passed away, we had our issues but nothing major. I’ve accepted the role I played in the break up, I can be extremely hot headed. I’ve also lost weight and started online therapy and I’m feeling really good atm! However I know I made the wrong decision in leaving my ex. So my questions are does anyone have any stories of getting back with an ex and being okay? Or does anyone have any ideas on how to contact him without seeming needy? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated please! I know people say ex’s are ex’s for a reason but I honestly would love to make things right between us.
  17. I'm not sure if this is the correct forum to put this in, but here it goes. I visited my boyfriend yesterday at his place. He and I watched a movie and then spent the rest of the day having sex. When I got home, my mom asked how my visit was and "So, what did you guys do?" Obviously, I can't exactly say, "We had great sex. How about you and dad?" Thing is, I feel that I'm lying to her, which I don't want to do. (Before one visit last month she said, "Don't get pregnant." I said. "Mom!" My dad overheard and even told her not to say that. I'm an adult so I shouldn't feel guilty about having sex with my bf.) I guess what I'm asking here is, what should I say when she asks what we did without feeling like I'm lying? (I live at home and I'm autistic, if that explains anything.) All opinions/feedback/welcome. Thanks for reading. :)
  18. Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for coming up to a year and we are both 27. To give you a bit of a background, his parents are very well off so he went to boarding school when he was younger. He found school hard and didn't pass his GCSE's so when he left school he was given a job at his dads company. Shortly after we got together, him and his dad had a fall out and he was sacked. My boyfriend saw this as a blessing as him and his dad didn't have the best working relationship and he wanted the confidence to go get a job that he had earnt and not been given. I was super supportive as he wanted to join the police. He started college to get his GCSE's and things were looking great. BUT....he quit college (I believe he was scared to fail), he said he was going to get his job back with his dad but still hasn't asked, then he was going to work as a carer but hasn't applied. I am loosing hope. On a side note, his mother who has never had to work, adores him. They are best friends. She loved him not having a job because she can go shopping with him, go to the gym with him, and takes him for lunches everyday. FYI he has never made his bed in his life, car and fuel paid for and even his phone is paid for my his mother. And to be honest I hate this as I moved out at 18, bought a house at 21 and very independent AND I want to go for lunches with him but he cant afford to take me out, so all of his dates are with his mom (yes I am resentful). His mother, I don't think, wants him to get a job, she has belittled any suggestions he had for work saying they are too poorly paid and he needs to start his own company instead like his dad did. Soooo...now she is spending 40k on a food van so he can sell waffles at festivals. My opinion is that this is not a full time job, it will not get us a mortgage, pay the bills or provide stability and she is just doing it for him to keep him living at home and under her wing for longer, at the same time selling it to him as if he will become Richard Branson. He knows working for his family didn't work and he was desperate to EARN a job that he has chosen and applied for...so what is he doing? What do I do?! He tells me every week that he wants a job, provide for me and buy a house to start a family. But I feel he is too scared to jump and doesn't want to upset his mom. She has already told me she wishes he was dating an orphan so she would never lose her son to another family. I am confused as to whether I should be annoyed at her? or my boyfriend for telling us what HE actually wants. Is he just trying to please us both and tell us what we want to hear? How long should I wait? I feel I am waiting for him to grow up so I can get my dream of a family. Am I being selfish and unsupportive? Help!!
  19. Hi all, Just wanted somewhere to talk as I don't know what to think anymore. My dad left an abusive relationship with my mum over a decade ago when I was a child. My mother didn't bother with us, didn't show much affection then cheated on my dad and is now married to that man (my stepdad). Since then, my dad re-married a woman he'd known for just a year and who seems a lot different to him; highly strung, incredibly religious (more on this later) and obsessive - almost OCD about things. I was surprised as he is none of these things. For the most part my stepmum and I are fine but there seems to be an undertone with her when I spend too much time with her and my dad. She can be overly nice (almost sickeningly so) or distant, rude and slips in snide comments now and then which totally throws me off. There is no consistency at all. I live with my husband but refers to her and my dads house as my 'home' which is there whenever I need it but she made me feel really on edge and unwelcome when I lived there...mostly through policing my every move, causing arguments with my dad over petty things (like where cutlery goes and in what order), and made it near impossible to have a life of my own with boyfriends/friends coming over rarely because the atmosphere when they did was so tense you could cut it with a knife. Now that I live away from them this behaviour can appear randomly. It seems whatever mood she's in sets the tone for the whole visit; if she's pissed off or upset about something YOUR life has to be hell too. My dad is always caught up in it. With the religion bit, she'll say god speaks to her and that she's had visions in front of me and my husband (we are aetheists) which makes me a bit uncomfortable. She made my dad get baptised before they married and had a fit when I refused to go because??? The latest incident is her kicking off in a restaurant with the waitress because she wouldn't accept a tip in cash. She went off the rails, saying repeatedly "I don't understand!" then when I try to explain what the waitress is saying, she throws her purse on the floor and my dad later tells me I was being rude?! He will never stick up for me or up to her. I don't know what to do because she helped us buy our home and has a really lovely streak but this inconsistency with her behaviour is driving a wedge between me and my dad. I could bring up other examples but there are too many to count. I go to therapy after living with her ruined my self esteem but I don't really feel like I get answers or advice there so thought to ask here. Thank you x
  20. Few facts: I am male: 26 years from Denmark Girlfriend is female: 20 years from Kenya My mom is 54 years old First of all, TL;DR version: My girlfriend feels unseen and excluded by my mom (and I see the same as she does). My mom claims she has already tried to approach her, and she also sees me as her beloved son, and mostly my girlfriend as a stranger. My other family members are good at seeing us equally when we visit, in a way that really makes my girlfriend feel comfortable around them. But my mom is very different. Now I am in bad terms with my mom for criticizing her. At the same time, my girlfriend doesn't like my mom, and says she won't visit her again. Being in between really hurts, because I obviously want all of us to be in good terms with each other. Longer version: Imagine two people who see things completely different from each other. At the same time, they really stick to their perspective, and are unable to see things from the other persons perspective. And if you try to talk to them about it, they will get really angry and deny to even talk about it. That's the situation I am in. Background: I am a student, who lives a 2 hours drive away from my mom's place, and I am on my 2nd year out of 5 years on my current education. My girlfriend is from Kenya. I met her in March 2019 when I was on an internship in Kenya, as a part of my education. Since then 7 months passed, where we could only communicate through WhatsApp, until she finally came here on a tourist visa in November. We have now stayed together for two months in my place, out of three. She will leave on February 17th. But of course, we have plans for a future together, and I will be visiting her in Kenya in my holidays, while she will visit me in Denmark too as an au pair if possible... But for now, we have one month left together in Denmark, until she travels back. The problem: While she has been here, we have been travelling around i the country to visit my family and other close relations I have here. We have been staying five days at my dad's place, and my girlfriend really likes my dad. He is also good at approaching her, and including her in the companionship. When we visit, my dad sees both of us equally, which is something both me and her really like. We have also been visiting my dad's wife shortly, who was very welcoming, and my dad's sister, whom my girlfriend also started liking fast. Not soon after even meeting her, my dad's sister was eager to take selfies with her, and gave her hugs and stuff. Honestly, I see why she likes those people a lot. They really approach her well, and include her good. Then the problem comes when we visit my mom. Because she is different. She sees me a lot as her beloved son, and then my girlfriend is kind of like a stranger to her, that I just brought with me. It's not like my mom doesn't approach my girlfriend, but she doesn't approach her as much as the other people in my family do. This often leads to a circle of bad events. Because when my girlfriend feels uncomfortable and unwelcome somewhere, she becomes silent. And silence is my mom's biggest pet peeve. My mom expects her visitors to show gratitude and interest of being there. So when she sees a silent person who doesn't seem engaged in being a visitor, she feels as if it's too much for her to handle, and she kind of gives up trying to approach that person. Yesterday, things really went too far. We were visiting my mom during the weekend, and it seemed from both my perspective and my mom's perspective, that she didn't see my girlfriend even being there. At the dinner table, she conversated with me, while my girlfriend was sitting there also, just being silent. And yes, there are always to sides of a case. I also think my girlfriend could have done something to take part in the conversation, but I also understand how it was difficult for her to know what to say, when she already felt excluded... And then when we were about to leave, my mom asked me in Danish to give her a hug, so she received a hug from me, while my girlfriend was standing next to us, not receiving a hug from my mom. After we went, my girlfriend felt really bad. She told me she felt excluded and not welcome in my mom's home. And I really felt the same feeling as her. After the 2 hour drive home to my place, I then called my mom, and explained the issue to her. I knew it would be a tough conversation to have with her, because I would have to criticize her, and compare her to my dad and my dad's sister. So I tried as much as I could to explain these things to her in a humble way. Unfortunately it didn't end well at all. My mom denied excluding my girlfriend in anyway, and defended herself a lot saying she had really tried to approach her with questions, but getting almost no response back, feeling like she couldn't keep on trying, putting the responsibility on my girlfriend for having to pull herself together and talk to her instead. About the hug, she excused it with me being her son, and my girlfriend not being a person who had such a close relation to - and that it would be uncomfortable for her to hug my girlfriend because of that. My mom got really angry with me in that phone call, and said she felt provoked by me. Meanwhile, my girlfriend is really feeling bad. She says she doesn't like my mom, and she doesn't want to visit her again before she leaves. All of this hurts me SO much. Now I am in bad terms with my mom, and at the same time, my girlfriend feels so bad, that she doesn't even want to talk. She doesn't want me close to her. So all in all, I do understand both perspectives, and my wish is to make them both understand each other better, instead of just denying that they could be missing something. I understand how my mom finds it uncomfortable to be faced with a silent stranger in her home that does nothing to open herself up to her. I also understand my girlfriend's silence, because of how she feels unseen and excluded in my mom's home. Personally, I think it is my mom's responsibility to take the first step, and approach her well in a non-judging way. I know she would claim that she already tried, but I honestly feel like she could at least do a bigger effort than what she did already, when compared to my dad and my dad's sister. Because afterall, my girlfriend is the guest. And despite my girlfriend being the guest, I also still think that she should be trying more to make friends with my mom, and taking some initiative to open herself up to her, even if she has to start it. Sometimes, life isn't fair, and I have also been forgiving people without an apology before, in order to get the best out of the bigger picture. But as much as my mom denies to change anything, so does my girlfriend. This leaves me truly helpless Does anybody have an advice??
  21. Story is long but I need to get it off my chest and put it somewhere (tried to write it like a screenplay) If you decide to read it I'm sure you won't be surprised but I promise you it's a doozy. If anything, I hope this inspires someone involved in a similar situation to cut the chord loose much earlier than I did. This was an 8 month relationship that ended two weeks ago. Backstory: Date 1: Go back to her house. Sleep with her first night. Date 2: Her: I" need to be upfront with you. I'm trying to get off of Oxycontin." Me: "I appreciate your honesty. If you can get clean it's fine (mistake) but I can't be in a relationship with an addict." I notice track marks on her arm and self harm scars all over her left arm. I stay with her as she's going through Oxy withdrawals. (mistake) She starts taking Valium to try to ease withdrawel symptoms. Her father is addicted to pain medication. She admits to getting it from him sometimes and from a guy friend. A month later: Down to a quarter tab of Valium. No oxy. I fly out of state for work trip. I look on her public Instagram comments and she's inviting "an old friend of her deceased cousins" to come over and check out her new place - tells him she lives alone - and made plans to go to the museum (that I took her to on our first date). Me: "?" Her: "What's wrong?" I explain why it's wrong. Her: "I understand. I don't want to do anything or associate with anyone that would make you feel uncomfortable. It was just an old friend of my cousins." She blocks him online. Next day: Her: "Hey check out these old drawings I made. What do you think of them?" One was a drawing of her making out with an ex boyfriend. Me: "Why would you send me this?" Her: "It's just a drawing." Me: "So if I sent you a drawing of me making out with my ex you'd be cool with that?" Her: "I understand. Sorry. I love u (oops) sorry." (Hangs up the phone) I text her back: "I heard that." I come back from work trip. She tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her too. (mistake) She calls me one day: "I relapsed." Me: "Goodbye." (good move) Father calls us both on a three way call. Me: "I'm sorry but I can't be with your daughter." Father: "I understand. She needs rehab." Her: "Im so sorry (crying). Father: "You just need to focus on work right now. There'll be other guys." Two days later: She calls. Her: "Im sorry. I love you and want to fix this. I'm giving notice to my job that I'll be going to rehab." She quits job and puts herself on a waiting list for a private in-house faith based rehab. Me: "I need to know what else you lied about." Her: "The guy I stopped to get weed from one day when you were waiting in the car gave me valium. I never told you that." Me: "What else?" Her: "Nothing. I'll give you all my social media passwords." I go on her Facebook. Read chat of her inviting a guy over to her house. Me: "Who's Tom?" Her: "I don't know a Tom." I show her the chat. Her: "Ohhhh...It was a guy I was sort of seeing right before I met you. He moved around the time I met you. He was in town, reached out and wanted to come over and I said ok but with the intent to tell him in person that I met you. He came over, talked for a bit then he left." I contact the guy and his story matched hers (sort of): Him: "She was messed up when I came over. She told me about you. I was devastated. She was real sick like she was going through withdrawals. She asked me to rub her feet. I did. I tried to help her get to her bed. She said no. I left. Nothing more happened." I tell her you left out the part about him rubbing your feet and showed her the chat. Her: "Huh?" Me: "Why would he lie?" Her: (crying) I must have been so messed up. It makes me think of all the years on this stuff not knowing what I'm doing or what other people are doing to me. It's so scary. I'll never do it again." Me: "Anything else I should know about?" Her: "Here's screenshots of all my phone chats. Instagram chats etc." I see a screenshot of a guy asking her out for a drink. Me: "What's this? How'd this guy get your number?" Her: "It was one of my cousins friends (again) I ran into while I was out." Me: "Why would you give your number to a guy?" Her: "It was right after you broke it off with me. We weren't together." Me: "Moved on that fast huh?" She then goes on to tell me her doctor molested her and her sister when she was a small child. Her mother slept through her entire childhood and her dad worked all the time. She rebelled in school and got caught up into heroin at 19 from a roommate in college in which she dropped out of. 3 weeks later: I show up to her house unannounced with an extensive drug test. She takes it in front of me. Passes all of it. No oxy, valium, weed etc. Her: "I also plan on getting a vape to ween myself off cigarettes. I'm going to NA meetings, church, got a sponsor and I also got a number for a therapist I heard is really good. As long as I stick to the plan and go to therapy consistently I can face these things inside of me that led me to turn to drugs in the first place." I'm impressed. I move in with her. (mistake) She stays clean. She starts going to therapy. She has insomnia now. Can't sleep. She moves around in bed all night, gets up and down, restless leg syndrome etc. (Almost as if she's going through withdrawals still constantly.) After the third night of not sleeping, I get agitated. Me: "Why don't you go in the other room? I'm never going to sleep like this." She gets upset. I apologize for being insensitive and rude. Me: "I dont mind sleeping in the other room if you can't sleep. If I find myself not being able to sleep I'll move. It's ok." The next week it continues. I get up to go to the other room. She gets upset. Next night I wake up from her fidgeting. She huffs and puffs, aggressively grabs her pillow and goes to the other room. Me: "Why are you mad at me?" Her: (ignores and walks out) This pattern continues for a week. She just continues to get mad at me if I wake up. All it takes is for her to see im awake and she flips out. Therapy session (I go with her this time): Therapist says she's operating defensively in the relationship and I'm impatient with her at times. We go home feeling good about being able to pinpoint our problems. I get a two month job offer out of state. I fly out. She tells me she's staying straight, is so in love with me and misses me dearly. She said she finally got a vape, is quitting cigarettes today and smoking the last one right now. Will never have a single one ever again. Her (10:30pm): "I'm going over to my dads to pick up some bacon." Video chat (11pm - she's laying on her bed) Me: "Turn camera around to your nightstand." Her: "Why?" Me: "Just do it real quick." She turns camera around. Pack of cigarettes sitting on nightstand. Me: "Why do you lie?" Her: "I didn't. I said today was the last day." Me: "You said you were smoking your last one earlier." Her: "Im sorry. I just figured it was the last day." Me: "Where'd you get the cigarettes?" Her: "My father." Me: "You said you were getting bacon. You lied." Her: "Now you're making me feel bad." Me: "How do you think I feel? I can't trust you. And why is your father enabling your habits?" Me: "What else is he giving you?" Her: "He gave me a bag of weed brownies to sleep." Me: "Does he understand he's getting in the way of his own daughters recovery?" Her: "...." She eventually apologizes. Next day: Her: "I think I ate too much of the brownie." Me: "How much did you eat?" Her: "A whole one." I contact father. Me: "She's telling me you gave her weed brownies." Father: "Yes to help her sleep. I told her to take a quarter of it. They are strong." Me: "She ate a whole one." Father: "What? s*** I shouldn't have given her any in the first place." Me: "She shouldn't be having any weed brownies in the first place." He calls me. Father: "You're right I shouldn't be giving her anything. I used to be an addict myself (He's still addicted to Valium) It's very difficult to go cold turkey with everything, I figure weed isn't as bad and can help her with her insomnia but she doesn't have enough self control to take the proper dose so I'll stop giving her anything." Two days later: I fall asleep early. She can't get a hold of me. I wake up next morning. A string of texts. She drank a bottle of wine and tried to contact my friends asking where I was. Me: "Why did you drink a bottle of wine and go off the rails like that?" Her: "My dad got it for me a while ago. I was worried about you and couldn't cope." Me: "Ugh. Stop drinking the whole bottle. Just have a glass or two here and there, jeez." I tell her she should come out and visit and get away from her environment. Her: I'd love to but I should really be looking for a job." Me: "Take a vacation and you can search for a job when you get back." I buy her a plane ticket. [in the meantime, she writes me some of the most beautiful words anyone has ever wrote me about how in love she is with me, wants marriage, kids, will never let me down, never lie, etc.] She flies out. My boss keeps handing us drinks one night. I don't want to be controlling so I don't tell her to stop (mistake) but well aware I'm going to have to babysit. My boss starts telling a story. She sits on the arm of the couch next to her with her feet on the couch. I tell her in front of everyone to get your feet off their couch. She swiftly sits down. My boss texts me: "She's lovely but I think you should take her home now." We leave. Her: "I want to go to the bar." Me: "You had like 5 drinks already. Let's stay in and listen to music." Her: "Ugh." Me: "Youre mad now?" We're staying at my friends apartment. He's not there. She walks to the freezer and tries to open a bottle of his Tequila. I take it out of her hand. Me: "Come on. Stop it." She walks over to the window and spits onto the public street below. We are downtown in a major city. At this point I tell her why we left my boss's (Mistake.) Now it gets ugly. Her: "f*** him." She threatens to leave and go to the bar herself. I tell her to stop, I walk in front of her and she slaps me across the face. I tell her I should dump your purse onto the street right now. Instead I dump it all into the garbage. Her: "I want to go home." I apologize. Me: "We're both getting out of hand. Let's just sleep it off and talk this out tomorrow." Her: "No. I want to leave." She pretends to book her flight. I go to bed. We wake up and I talk it out with her. She apologizes for how she acted. Two days later: I have to sit with boss to work all day. She decides to go grocery shopping and go to the library. She wears a very short black skirt. She never wears anything like that. She always dresses conservative. Me: "You sure you want to walk downtown like that?" Her: "It's not short." Me: "It's an inch from your ass." Her: "Ugh ok I'll change." Later on that night. Me: "What was up with the whole dress thing?" Her: "I was trying to make you jealous." Work is done. We fly home. She starts looking for a job. Sister (who has Borderline Personality Disorder) offers to help her with a computer program she's trying to learn related to her career. She wants her to go and stay out of town with her at a hotel while she goes to a work conference. In her off time she'll help her with the program. Me: "Are you sure she's actually going to help you? She doesn't seem to do anything she says she's going to do." Her (upset): She will. I'm going. Why do you need to be negative?" Me: "I'm looking out for you so you don't waste your time." She goes. Calls me next day. Her: "She lied. She's not helping me with anything. She just lays in bed when she's done or goes out." Me: "Told you." Her: "You're right. She just didn't want to be alone." Me: "I'm coming to get you." I drive out, pick her up (she had a few drinks at the bar that she told me about. I didn't care.) and show her a nice time. Went out dancing etc. I have a few drinks but start drinking water. She keeps ordering beer. 4 more. Me: "Why do you always need to keep drinking?" Her: "You always have a problem with me." I take her beer put it down, take her hand and pull her to the dance floor. She's happy now. Me: "See you don't need drinks to have fun all the time?" Driving home in my dad's van. She starts to climb into the back. Me: "What are you doing?" Her: "I have to pee" She has a bottle in her hand and she starts unbuttoning her pants. Me: "What? No! Come back up here. Why would you just take liberty to do that? Especially in my dads van." Her: "I have to pee!" Me: "Why wouldn't you ask to pull off at the rest stop first?" Her: "You don't have to make me feel bad about it. You act like it's that abnormal." Me: "Yes it is. What girl just does that out of the blue? It's not even my car!" Her: "We always did that if we were on a long ride" Me: "I could see if it was an emergency. But you didn't ask or anything?" I pull off to gas station. She's pissed. Doesn't talk to me whole ride home. I try to mend things and talk it out but stonewalling, silent treatment, resistance to resolution or admitting to or talking about any fault/mistake of her own was like pulling teeth. Sweeping things under the rug was her forte. The only thing on my mind is "she's off heroin, that's the main thing. As long as she keeps off the drugs, with time she'll slowly mature. Be patient, you love this girl." A week later at dinner: Vape juice falls out of her purse on the table. Me: "I thought you were lowering your dose. It's higher." Her: "They didn't have the lower dose." Me: "So why'd you buy it? Go somewhere else." Her: "I had my dad go get it for me. He just ended up buying the higher dose. What was I supposed to do?" Me: "Why is he buying this stuff for you anyway?" Her: ... Me: "Why do you let me find things out this way instead of being upfront with me and telling me? What else are you holding back from me?" Her: "I ran into my friend Mark." Me: "The guy who you sold you Valium while I waited in the car?" Her: "Yea." Me: "And...?" Her: "He's happy I'm clean." Me: "Let me guess, you got his number..." Her: "Yes" Me: "Goodbye." Her: "What!? I did nothing wrong!" Me: "Goodbye." I pack my stuff and leave. I get a hotel. I get a message from her father saying that she drove two hours to my parents house and is waiting outside because she thinks that's where I went. Me: "Tell her to leave" He does. I end up driving down to parents. She ends up seeing me on the highway, turns around and follows me to my parents. I walk in the house, my parents stop her. I go out to talk to her. Her: "I've been so selfish, what I did was wrong, I know what I need to do. I can be a good woman for you. I need to stop being so damn selfish." Me: "We need some time apart." She leaves. Next day: She pleads more on the phone. Me: "Do your parents realize you have these issues? Nobody seems to care about your recovery." Her: "I plan to have a talk with my parents." Next day: Her: "Told my parents how much I love you and how much you are helping me stay straight. Told my mother she never even seemed happy or acknowledge when I got clean and asked why?" Me: "What'd she say?" Her: "She said 'You never should of done any of those drugs to begin with.' She didn't even care. Dad seemed a bit more receptive to your efforts." Me: "I want someone whose values match their actions. You're always preaching the gospel to me but you never go to church or follow what you say." Her: "I can be that woman for you. Let's start going to church." I go back. (mistake) We start going to church every Sunday. She gets a job waitressing. Stops going to therapy. Day 2 someone steals her tips. Manager does nothing. She quits. It's the only place that plays music so she keeps wanting to go there even after quitting. Me: "Why would you want to give money to a place that robbed you?" Her: "I don't even care about that I just want to watch some live music" We go. (mistake) Bartenders see her and take forever to serve us. She starts to get pissed. I get her away from the bar and we sit at a table and watch the show. She has 3 drinks, I have two then a water. Band takes a break. Me: "Let's get some beer and go back to the house." Her: "I want to stay and watch the rest." Me: "Ok but you know the bartenders are going to give you a hard time" Her: "I dont care about them" Me: "I don't get it." Her: "Fine lets go." Now she's mad, walks all fast out of the bar. I try to explain to her they are going to be rude to us and the more you drink the more upset about it you will get. Her: "I just want one more drink. I wont cause a scene I promise" Me: "Ok lets go back in. I promise you they won't serve us and we look like idiots" We go back in. They ignore us. She starts yelling at the bartenders. Climbs up the bar and opens the beer taps so they flow out. I get her out of there. I calm her down and tell her to not let them ruin our night. Me: "When we get back to the house, I dont want to hear you even mention them or that place tonight. Lets just hang out and chill." She agrees, apologizes, cools off and we have a nice night. A week later (she's out of work): She's acting like she woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Very snippy and distant all of a sudden. Me (all day): "What is up with you today?" Her: "Nothing's wrong." 8 hours later: Her (out of the blue; in a real nasty tone) "You think you'd offer to pay more for the rent and groceries since I'm not working. I cook for you and clean and you just want to do everything down the middle. ?" Me: "So instead of making an attempt to sit down and talk with me about what's on your mind like an adult, you pout all day and pretend nothings wrong like a child? If you actually talked to me about it you'd find out I was going to offer to contribute more if not all to rent and groceries until you got a job but instead you just want to be an a**h*** about it. Why don't you apologize?" Her: "No." I got so fed up I had a bowl of food in my hand and threw it right onto the table. Smashed into a million pieces and severed my hand. (instant regret) She helped me clean it and I went to the hospital to get stitches. Her: "Im using this as an opportunity to tell you you need to go to therapy." (In my head I'm like... "says the girl who stopped going to therapy who needs it more than anyone.") Me: "Yea I need to find a way to control my anger. I shouldn't lash out like that." I get stitched up. Next morning: Her: "I had a dream we were in a bathtub and we were face down under the water. My little neice came in and said 'That's dangerous'. I think it means our relationship is dangerous and toxic." Me: "We just need to communicate better. We can solve this. Let's start going to therapy again." Sunday: We get ready for church. Me: "I think I'm getting the flu. I feel it in my head and throat." Her: "Hm." We go to church. I'm coughing. We go to lunch after with her grandparents. (The grandmother is the only one who constantly tells me to keep an eye on her and that I need to not let her get away with anything. She seems to be the only one in the family who acknowledges how troubled she is.) Grandmother: "You sound terrible." Me: "Im definitely getting sick." I start noticing my girlfriend isn't acknowledging it weirdly. We go to her parents after. I'm struggling. She's helping her mom and I'm watching TV with her dad. It's getting close to dinner time. Her: "We better head back soon if we're going to make it to night church." Me: "Night church?" Her: "Yea." Me: "I didn't know we were going to that." Her: "I talked to my grandmother earlier about it." Me: "Oh ok I didn't know anything about it." We leave. I'm confused. We get back to the house. Me: "How come you never asked me if I was feeling up to going tonight or even talking to me about it?" Her: "You were standing next to us when we were talking about after church?" Me: "Ok I didn't hear you guys and why wouldn't you ask me if I'm feeling up to going tonight when you knew I was sick" Her: "You don't seem sick right now." Me: "..." Her: "Oh now you're mad again. I've been wanting to go to night church for a while now. It's something I want to do." Me: "Ok you could be nice about it though." She leaves. I check my temperature I'm at 104. The next week I'm pretty much bed ridden. She takes care of me. She stays with me all week, only leaves to visit parents and go to night church. I dont get any sleep. I'm coughing all night. She's really patient with me and I tell her I appreciate the hell out of her. My uncle passes. She has a job interview. She misses it because she got the time wrong. She reschedules it for the day before the funeral. We plan to stay at my parents night before the funeral so the plan was to take her to her interview on the way to my parents. Day of interview: I'm coughing up a lung still and feel terrible. I tell her to make sure she has everything she needs. I'm spacing out while driving and nearly rear end a guy. Me: "Sorry I feel awful." Her: "He kept breaking. It's not your fault." Me: "Yea but I probably shouldn't be driving." She says nothing. We get to interview, she forgets her SS card. Her: "We might as well just leave now and forget it." Me: "You might be ok, I wouldn't sweat it." She's quiet now and agitated. Her: "Well I better go and see what happens." Me: "Good luck babe." She says nothing and sort of slams the door hard. Her interview goes on for 3 hours. Her (via text): "Hey sorry its taking so long they are showing us around the property and giving us a lecture." Me: "It's ok. I'm just napping." Her: "I totally owe you for this. Thanks for being patient babe." She gets out. Feels good about it. Never asks how I'm feeling but whatever. We stop at convenient store. Her: "Can you buy me this water and chips?" Me: "What happened to you owe me one (being playful)" Her: "Lol. Ok I got these babe" Me: "I wish I could get candy but I don't think any of this stuff would be good on my throat." Her: "Why don't you get sour patch kids?" Me: "I'm sick babe. I just said I can't have any candy like this." Her: "Ok well don't act like I don't know you're sick. Why don't you stop acting like a ?" Me: "What? Don't ever call me that. We're in public!" She storms to the register and pays. Walks to the car. It's locked. Me: "You know that was uncalled for. You should apologize for calling me that." Her: "Open the door." Me: "No." She then proceeds to walk onto the highway and leave. I just let her go. She comes back. I'm in the car, she gets in. Me: "Why can't you apologize for that?" Her: "You were being a you apologize." Me: "You called me a in front of everyone. Come on!" Her: "Well maybe I shouldn't have said that." Me: "So apologize." Her: "..." Her dad calls. Her (to her dad): "Im not taking anymore of this abuse. Dad can you come pick me up?" Me: "Wow..." I get all her stuff out of the car, put it in front of the store and drive off. 5 minutes up the road I turn around. I can't leave her in front of a store an hour away in some strange town. I go back. Me: "Im sorry I over reacted. Let's just go to my parents." Her: "I dont know what I want to do. You should just go. My dads already coming" Me: "Tell him to go back. Lets work it out." I grab her stuff and put it back in the car. She gets in. Her mother calls. She wants to talk to me. Her mother: "Don't you ever leave my daughter in some strange town again. And if you ever put your hands on her I'll come after you." Me (to my girlfriend): "Well your mom hates me and thinks I might be hitting you now. Jesus I can't win." Her: "Don't worry about her." She's quiet most of the ride. Me: "Do you really want to be with me?" Her: "..." Me: "Well that says everything." Me: "Do you love me." She nods her head yes. We chat a bit but things are kind of distant until we get to my parents. We both act like nothing is wrong until we get alone and she gives me a frowny face comes up to me and hugs me. Me: "We both need to calm down" Her: "What did I do?" Me: "You shouldn't have walked into traffic like that." Her: "You want me to apologize when you didn't let me in the car?" Me: "See? Now we're going to argue again. We both acted out wrong. Let's just admit it." Her: "You're right." We mend things. (for now) I'm still coughing up a lung. My hands still messed up so I rewrap my hand. Me: "How's it look? Her: "Looks pretty good!" She then for some reason I'll never know smacks my hand pretty hard. I'm in pain. Me: "Why would you do that?" She laughs - "Oh s***, sorry lol" Me: "Why is that funny I dont know why you'd do that?" I go into the bathroom and one of my stitches came out. I shower. I come back to the room and she's all chipper about making the bed. Her: "How's it look?" Me: "Nice but my hand is killing me and my stitch came out. I still don't know why you did that?" Her (upset): "You f***ing hate me. You always have a problem with me." Me: "..and your problem with me is my reactions to your oddball behavior." We go to bed. She's crying. I'm coughing up a lung. Next morning: She sits next to me in the bed with a cup of coffee. Her: "Here want some coffee?" Me: "Sure. Thank you." Her: "So I wanted to come in to let you know that I'm going home. I decided to have my father pick me up." Me: "? Why?" Her: "You didn't even console me last night while I was crying. You have major issues with me and I think we need time apart. You should stay here and get better." Me (pissed): "You dont even make an attempt to talk to me to work anything out. Why don't you ever do that? You're just gonna leave?" My parents overhear. She walks outside to wait for her dad. Me (to my parents): "Can you believe this? She's just gonna leave." I get so mad I start going in on her and her family. Me: "They're so effin backwards. It's like upside down land down there. Her parents give her pills. Everyone's all pilled up. No guidance. No solutions. No one cares. Just run away, escape, numb etc. They're all hillbillies out there." She overhears this and leaves. She calls me the next day. Her: "I don't think this is going to work. You insulted my family. We're too different. We're not good for each other etc." Me: "You want to break up with me now? After all I've put up with and all the second chances I've given you?" Her: "You get way too upset with me. It's toxic" Me: "Ok then." She hangs up. I text her that night. Me: "Why can't we just work this out, continue therapy and learn how to communicate better?" She calls me at 4am (she had drank an entire bottle of wine) Her: "Why are you so mean?" Me: "I get so frustrated with you. You don't realize the things you do." We work it out. I convince her to let's try again. She was reluctant but agreed. I spend two more days with my family and then drive out. During my drive I send her a song about how we both scarred each other but it's all worth it to keep working on each other. She responds with a song that says 'the storm is coming. it's not here yet but it's inevitable.' It's as if she's already anticipating problems. I stop at the store get her chocolates and a card. I get to the house and she greets me with half a hug. She sits down in the living room and doesn't seem too happy. I give her the card and chocolate. She puts it down. Her: "I don't want to hurt you." Me: "Look I don't expect you to jump in my arms and be all warm and happy with me. But I think this relationship deserves another chance and to give each other time to warm up." Her: "I just don't know if I can get over what you said about my family." Me: "I don't mean it. I was angry with you leaving. Im sorry. Plus, you've done some awful things too that I gave you a second chance for. It wasn't easy but I never give up. Let's just grab some food, chill and let things play out naturally." She agrees. Over the next few days she warms up and everything seems to be going good. Two weeks, no arguing. No weird behavior on her part. We started getting along great. It started to feel like she was becoming more aware of her behaviors and was really trying to make a good run at this. Thanksgiving: 2 hour drive to my parents. 30 minutes into the drive... Her: "I forgot the food!" Me: "What? How? Ugh." She gets upset with me. Me: "Sorry. It's not a big deal. We both forgot about it really." She shuts down. 15 minutes of silence. She starts crying. Me: "Why are you crying?" Her: "It's not you. It's me." Me: "It's not a big deal we are half way there." Silence. We get to the house. Her: "Maybe if I wasn't such a burnout I'd actually remember things." I give her a big hug and look her in the eyes. Me: "Stop it. We both forgot the food. Plus, we left the cat outside. He needs to go in. It's a blessing." She feels better now. Thanksgiving was great. She had a few drinks at dinner but was fine. We head home 2 hours back. I play Phil Collins - "Against All Odds" for her. A love song that basically says 'You know me better than anyone. How could I be with anyone else?' Her: "Here's my response to your song..." She plays Genesis (Phil Collins) - "In Too Deep" Lyrics: "I love you but I can't take anymore." Me: "Well that was sad..." Her: "It's only a song." Then she pats me on the shoulder. Me: "I don't know. Seems to be some truth to that. Why would you choose that one?" Now she gets defensive. Her: "It's just a song. You're so sensitive." Silent treatment for 15 minutes. Then she puts a different song on that talks about how "I'm the one and only and I love you more than anything." She puts her head on my shoulder and we make it home. I'm more confused then ever. And now the finale... She had training for her new job two hours away on Monday morning. She decided to stay in a hotel close by Sunday night so she could just wake up and go. Before she leaves she makes me dinner and is all chipper and nice. Me: "Why are you so nice to me right now (joking)" Her: "Because you're always so nice to me. I love you." Her: "Do you want to stay at the hotel with me tomorrow?" Me: "If I can finish up my work tonight yea!" Her: "Oh yay!" The day comes and I can't go. Her: "Oh its ok babe. I'll call you when I get there." She gets to town safe. She calls me a few times saying she misses me and she's going to grab food. I don't hear from her for a while after that. 10pm: I text her: "Whatcha up to babe?" (no response) I call her. (no response) 10 minutes later... Her (text): I went down to the bar to have a drink. Call you in a minute. 30 minutes pass. Me (text): You free to chat? (no response) I call her. She picks up. Her (slurring): "Hey Im chatting to the bartender. I'll call you in a few." Me: "The bartender?" Her: "Is that a problem?" Me: "Not really. I don't know. Is it a guy? I just don't know why you wouldn't pick up the phone." Her: "It's a girl! And I texted you." Me: "Yea and you never called back." Her: "Oh just move out and forget the relationship. You can't live without controlling me." Me: "What? Everything has been so good since I got back." Her: "Yea because I submit to you and bend for you." Me: "What do I even ask you to do?" Her: "...." Me: "You can't even say one thing." Me: "Ive been with you through your darkest time, helped you get clean, supported you and believed in you when no one else did. Now you want to throw it all away because I bothered you while you're at the bar?" Her: "It's all me right? I'm always the problem." I pleaded she was over reacting. Then I just said fine I'll do as you please. I packed up and left. A full week goes by and radio silence. She texts my mother: "He broke up with me." Mom (to her): "You guys need to talk it out. I thought you both said you smoothed things out. You're just done with him now?" Her: "We don't need a mediator, we need a therapist to figure this out. I'm not going to solve this talking to you." Mom (to her): "You told him to move out and forget the relationship. That was you right?" Her: "I shouldn't have said that." Mom: "If you shouldn't have said that then you should take responsibility for your words and convey this to him." She calls me the next day. Her: "This is never going to work out. You're too controlling and you have a bad temper. I'm sorry. I need to focus on myself." Me: "What happened to 'I'll never leave you, we can work through anything" and all the bible verses you quote about staying together and working things out? Her: "Sorry. Maybe one day I'll become a better Christian." That was it. Never heard from her again. Until her dad texts me out of the blue. Her Dad: "Did you call me and my family inbred hicks?" Me: "No. But I saved your daughters life, helped her get clean, believed in her when no one else did, and pointed her in the direction for her to become the best version of her self she can be all while being more loyal and forgiving than any man could possibly be in this situation." Her Dad: "Well maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved. Time tends to heal and calm things down. That's my advice. Thanks for setting my daughter straight. Everything after that is between both of you." That was it. Two weeks have passed. Never heard from her again. I get a text from her Dad out of the blue two days after. Her Dad: "Did you call me and my family inbred white trash?" Me: "No. But I did save your daughters life, believed in her when no one else did, helped her believe in her self, and treated her better than any man ever has or ever will. Her Dad: "Well I appreciate you for setting her straight. Everything beyond that is between you two. I shouldn't have gotten involved." It seems she was telling everyone I broke up with her and that I was badmouthing her family as a way to take responsibility for breaking up with me off her plate. In the end, there's a part of me that worries she will slip right back down into the dark hole she was in when I met her. I know its not my problem anymore but man when you get that deeply involved with someone so troubled it's hard to not care about what might happen to them. What I learned about myself is that I latch onto wounded girls because of my relationship with my mother. My mother and father always had conflict. So I would always tend to my mom to comfort her. As I got older, I always grew a softspot for girls who conveyed to me they had issues they were dealing with. I know now I can't fix them, I now know I need to choose more wisely. But man, I had to learn that the hard way. At the end of the day, I'm glad I know better now. Part of me still wonders if she will ever wake up and realize what she had in me. I was her only true ally. Will she ever see that she was the actual problem the whole time? Thanks for reading.
  22. Ever since I was a kid, I knew that my parents aren't the kind that say I love you to each other, nor do they hug, or even like each other. They often fight in front of me and my siblings; in the car, in the bedroom where I slept in, in the living room, on the street when we were traveling. One time I was eating and they were fighting next to me and my mom was talking about my dad's affair. It broke my heart that they would let a children hear that. They fought a lot that sometimes when I'm in my bedroom in silence, I feel like I hear them screaming and fighting, even though there is no fighting. But now they don't fight anymore. And I don't know if it's good or bad. On the bright side, I don't have to hear the screaming that always makes me scared anymore. But, unfortunately, no fighting means they don't talk. Ever. It's been almost a year since I hear them talking more than a minute to each other. They pretend the other doesn't exist. They hate each other too much to talk and interact. It makes me sad and angry at the same time. It's even worse now that my dad has just recently retired from his job which means he's going to spend most of his time at home. I never liked weekends where both my parents are home, it's so uncomfortable, though they never even talk to each other. It just feels miserable. But now it's not only weekends, it's everyday! Especially now that it's nearing the holidays. I am not at all excited for it. I wish I could just skip it you know. I don't like my whole family gathering up because it's probably gonna be a lot of resentment and conflicts and I'm not ready for it. I can't wait to graduate from college and move on to another country. I can't wait to get out of this mess. I love my parents, they're great parents individually. But they're not great when together and that is why I need to get out. Any advice on how to deal with this? Especially with the holiday coming around soon? I'm trying out meditation and reading a lot of self-help articles, it's been really helpful. I'm not as sad as I used to be about this. I 'm taking control of my life and my own emotions but still, sometimes, I can't help but feel trapped and miserable.
  23. My situation may be a no brainer for some people, but I'm stuck. Mainly because of my emotions. I'm sorry, but prepare for a long back story. Ever since I was a kid, my parents have had money problems. My parents didn't bring anything up to me as a child, but being nosey and listening in to their conversations, I always knew what was going on. Flash forward to me going to college, my parents footed the bill for 3 semesters. During the 3 semesters my mother was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me, ever since I was a kid. But she pretty much said you're not going to school, you're a burden, whatever balance remain5on your tuition you pay it off. All the abuse continued for about 6 months. I was able to land 2 part time jobs. I didn't make much but I made sure that when my family needed me to contribute when I could, I did. But my mother was still abusive. It took me about 4yrs before I got my real first job! Benefits and all. I was ecstatic, mainly because I could really help my family especially since my father lost his job and my mom hadn't worked since my siblings were in school and still doesn't. Money was super tight, we lost our home, rented homes and are still renting now. At that time I felt that I wanted my independence. I wanted my own home. I brought it up to my parents and they both shot it down. My mother with the emotional abuse. Then my dad throws out that he needed heart surgery and the family needed me at this time. Of course I felt like crap and didn't feel like I could leave. At the same time my dad lost his job and used his severance package to go on a cruise, multiple trips to Disneyland and a cousin's wedding in San Diego. I was pissed, mainly because I was working my ass off, had to take over as the breadwinner and had more responsibilities and bills to take care of in addition to my own stuff. My parents are religious and use the bible to control everything, so every time I brought something up, they shot it down. My dad had his surgery and granted he did have some issue recovering because of his diabetes, he pulled through just fine. That was 3 years ago. Despite all of that, I didn't want to let my family stop me from pursuing a different career. I did. I knew that it was going to be hard, just the job itself. Anyways my mother sat at the table and told me that her and my dad were completely broke. She said she told him to work, but he didn't want to and they had nothing. She said that I'd need to completely take over everything and that'd everything would be hard until my father was able to find a job. This was all while I was starting a new career in law enforcement and needed all of my time and focus in the academy and learning the job itself. So I did. The problem quickly became worse. I took a pay cut with this new career. Starting way at the bottom and having to work myself back up. I quickly saw how I couldn't pay the rent (which was and still is more than 1 paycheck even with overtime), my bills (student loans, car payment, insurance, families cell phones, credit card, other actual necessities) plus their car payment, credit card, and other bills they would ask to be paid. Plus every bill they asked to be paid was late and cost way more money to be paid. I told my parents that I couldn't pay for their credit card and their car payment. My other 2 brothers stopped going to school and are working because of my parent's financial issue as well. My sister is turning 18 and about to graduate from high school. I know they'll ask for her help as well. About 2-3 weeks ago my parent's van was repossessed. I paid $1700 for them to get it back, but I wish I never did. My parents said the car is almost paid off with about$2400 left on the car. They expect me to pay off the car. They said they would sell the van and pay me back, but as usual it was a lie and I fell for it. They never drive it. They hide it in the garage to avoid another possible repossession. They expect to drive my car everywhere because I have gas even though my brother pays for gas for their cars. I'm to the point where I hate coming home. I can't stand seeing my parents. Every time I ask them certain things like are they planning on working, they say yes. Nothing gets done. I come home every day and my dad is on the couch watching tv and my mother is playing video games on her stupid tablet. I ask why they hand me bills late and my dad says its because me and my brother keep getting mad. He said he didn't know how he was able to pay all of the bills when it was just him working. That was when we were kids. It seems as if my parents are penalizing me for what they did as parents. They have nothing at any this time if they work, they'll be working until death because they have no savings or anything. I do love my parents but I'm two seconds away from walking out of this house and never coming back. They're using all of their children as cash cows and I can't stand it anymore. Every bit of money that I've saved up is gone. I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I refuse to let myself fall behind on my own bills. My parents are showing no since of urgency with anything. I believe it's because my siblings and I always bail them out. I want to leave but I feel like I'd feel so guilty. I guess it's the emotional abuse and manipulation they always put me through. They go to church and believe that God allows us to suffer so we can keep praying and depending on him. I literally cannot do this anymore. They keep saying that I'm the oldest and are expected to help out. But I literally cannot anymore. I need advice, I need to vent, I need to not be in this situation anymore. Sorry for the rant and the long long essay.
  24. So I dated this girl back in high school and were together for 5 years till we broke up and the worst part is around that time my dad passed away. Our relationship wasnt going well the last few years and days but believe or or not she broke up with me on my dad's funeral the same night because of a fight and our relationship was just bad in general. Till this day I will never forgive her for that because I needed her the most and she decided to be selfish and leave me. Well anyways time went by and I met this other girl who I had class wit back in high school and to make things short we ended up sleeping wit each other she had feelings for me and I did too at first but deep down inside I stil had my ex in the back of my mind so things went south and we stop talking to each other. Months went by and eventually i decided to text my ex girlfriend since we didnt speak to each other for 3 months or more and she responded and it really surprised me because I thought she would of kept ignoring me. So we talked the whole day and the next day she asked this one question that i had to think about which was if I was messing with anyone else during the time we weren't together. So yea I did lie to her and said that I only kissed her and made out with her because I know it would only devastate her if she knew what I really did and so I didnt wana hurt her. Her question was answered and of course I asked her in return if she did anything and just like that she said she slept withsomeone else.... my heart dropped I felt so sick, hurt and damaged like I couldn't believe she did this or even tell me. So my reaction to her was okey whatver u kno and she said that she was sorry for it and I tried to forget bout it but I just kept thinking bout it over and over again. We did hang out for a few months and it slowly got worse again I kept bring it up we kept fighting and of course again she left me but after a week later of feeling sad and thinking bout what she did I decided to tell her "I didnt wana hurt you but I did sleep with a girl before we started talking again". She didnt respond but i know she saw it because she blocked me after that. I felt so bad about it but I couldn't hold it anymore and just the things she did to me I decided to tell her since she damaged me. Now I'm just thinking bout it if it was a good idea that I told her. I stil think bout her every day and we havent talked in a month now but I don't think well ever go back to each other after this. Was it wrong what I said or should I just kept it quiet and moved on?
  25. So I have a few financial ties with my dad that I’m trying to resolve. The short story here is that he advised me to contribute a ridiculous percentage of my income in my 401k to save for a house together. This set me way behind on my bills as he was pressuring me not to change the contributions and I ate up all of my liquid savings. We have a credit card together, and when I came to a breaking point for two months, he made the payment. The minimum was $30, he told me he paid $100 each time and started claiming I owed him $200. I told him that if I had the extra $60 for those two months, I would have made the overpayment myself. I clearly did not as I asked him to make the payment, and did not have an extra $200 to give him. He was essentially trying to spend money that I didn’t have as it was locked away in an investment that’s difficult for me to access. I called the credit card company today to make the October payment, and the system told me the last payment he made was $40. I texted him telling him what the system told me, and then asked why he says I owe him $200. He FaceTimes me talking in circles and saying he made the payments and I owe him money. I got fed up and said “No, I don’t. You made those ’supposed’ overpayments on your own. I didn’t ask you to or consent to it. You knew I couldn’t afford the $30 payment, so why would you pay $100?” he got upset that I said I didn’t owe him anything and started saying I didn’t make any sense, trying to make me doubt myself. Then he started bragging about the hundreds of thousands of dollars he has in his stock account and he doesn’t need me or my money. I told him that I don’t care how much money he has, and I no longer want to do finances with him. I told him I want out of the car, and I’ll pay of the credit card myself. This situation isn’t working for either of us, and it needs to end. He said he didn’t want to talk about it, and I told him I didn’t want to resent him. He said he he doesn’t care if I resent him or about me that much so I should go and resent him if I want because I already do. I reminded him that this is exactly why his other 4 children haven’t spoken to him in over 10 years and he has never met any of his 5 grandchildren. He said he doesn’t care about any of his children or grandchildren and hung up on me. I want out of the car with him immediately. I’m leasing an SUV that I owe a little more than $10k on, and I believe the car he’s driving that I’m financing has around $12k left. I’m thinking about returning the lease, and keeping the car, but I’m not sure how to get out of leases. I’d like to not have a car with my father anymore by the end of this week and to never speak to him again. He’s way too disrespectful, and makes me realize that dealing with the way he treats me makes disrespect from men the norm for me which is why I don’t recognize it.
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