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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. I decided to start this as a place to park my hodgepodge of thoughts and what's going on in my life. Had a great Easter yesterday- I had to drive a few hours to the airport to pick my son up from his trip to France and Spain. He had a great time and it seems like he grew up over night! It was so great to have both boys home and with me. Since I had them for Easter, I asked them what kind of meal they wanted and I went and bought the groceries for a nice Easter dinner. Then I get a text from my ex, saying his mom and dad are inviting me and the boys to Easter brunch at their house. Well I didn't really want to go because my ex and his gf would be there. But the boys wanted to go and they wanted me to come. So I told them I would drop them off, pop in to say hi to friends and ex's family, then pick them up later. It took a lot of courage. But Despite that, I actually had fun! My ex and his gf sat on the other side of the room, although at one point his gf complemented a necklace I was wearing. It was fun to catch up with people I essentially have not seen in 4 years since the breakup. Oh the things I do for my sons... Well afterwards I made that nice dinner and we had it by candle light- just before I had to take them to their dad's for the week.
  2. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  3. No one in this world loves me. I'm not close to my moms family and I live my life alone with no family around me. I got in contact with my estranged father after 20 years of no contact and found out that he has a 10 year old daughter. I made a mistake and looked him up on Facebook and his daughter is extremely beautiful. There are so many pictures of them out and about doing things and I developed this toxic jealousy against her and I feel terrible about it. I'm realizing he will never love me as much as he loves her. She's his little girl. Not me. He doesn't even know me. He attempts to message me almost every day but its normally just small talk. I want this relationship to work out but I struggle with the fact that he is very capable of living life without me. He did it for 20 years. What should I do about this?
  4. hey, my father is in his 50's and has diabities... he is over weight, and when he was first diganosed he lost alot of weight, eat well, stoped drinking. Now lately this has all gone down hill.... he back to drinking, he rambles alot of nonsense in front of my friends... mom is clueless... i am just sick of it, and i feel like kocking him out! So first of all b4 i tell me he drinking again and the freak at each outher and me, is there any way i can talk to my father about this? and i don't think he should be drinking alot with diabities?
  5. my sis is leaving the house right now at 5:17 pm to go rollerblading with friends and guess what dad is making such a big fuss over it, yeah and it is a sunny day too. i soo disagree with my dad my sis is 20 yrs old i am 23. my dad wants my sis to stay at at home all day for some reason -hates her to leave the house for some odd reason. even if we leave the house he makes a big fuss- this is the summer times too-not school days where on sat and sun we have to stay at home all day too . yea lol this is the truth. don't laugh . we are asian too-chinese if it means anything lol. parents are just so damn strict. the don';t like her to leave the house same with me and i am a guy too. the thing they think is that going outside-life is tough -parnoid of how rapes of women, ppl gettin beat up guys and gals-swarmings, dad just said don't leave the house-"your just asking for trouble". -meaning some ppl might want to fight with u, gangs..... well bad stuff u hear from the media and news of young ppl. well till i move out its going be like this , maybe that why i don;t want to tell my gf or date that i have a certain time table-parents are just so damn strict of leaving the house. if i do maybe i can only see her in the afternoon only. evenings and nights are out of the questions
  6. If you have read in any of my other posts, you already know many things about my life and my father. IF you dont... HE has hepatitis C. Hes very mean and doesnt give a crap about me or my mother. If he wanst sick, he wouldnt be around...trust me. But the reason for the post "FEARING for my life" I mean it because he is starting to hit us. He pushed me in to the wall last night 3 times by grabbing me by the head.... he pushes my mom around and he keeps saying "ill kill you, this is my house, this ALL MINE GET OUT" the more we ignore him the more he gets to be a jerk. We are coming to the point were we are just waiting for him to GO AWAY! Its constant. I cant even leave my house to see my boyfriend because Im afraid to leave my mom home. My mom doesnt know what to do. If we put him in a home. he could possibly die. We just...are down to our last bit. If you were hear you would understand. Right now my mom is in my room watching tv. She has been for the last 2 days, because he takes the remote and says ITS MINE. AND NO MATTER WHAT, His sickness does have a part in his mean'ness, but he is doing it himself 70% of the time. He is just a jerk. He would take money over us. He doesnt even know my birthday is in a month. MY SISTERS WAS YESTERDAY AND HE DIDNT EVE KNOW. He doesnt care. He just cares about himself. Its hard to love him. Its hard to care anymore. I need some experts. I dont want to leave him at a home, but once you start fearing for your life. ITs very hard... WHAT CAN WE DO!!!!!!!!!!! We are down to our last thoughts on what we can do. And they are not good thoughts. GIVE ME SITES...GIVE ME ANYTHING. I NEED SOMETHING. My boyfriend says "just deal with it for now"... but than id be putting my hole life on hold for a father that cares NOTHING about me... IF you read my older posts...you would know...
  7. ok heres my situation, i have a cutting kit. the purpose is so if you cut you can be relatively safe about it. u kno i got somethin clean to do it with, some disinfectand and some bandaids, well my dad took mine away, i would really prefer having it back, id rather have a clean cut with a fresh razor then sawing with a rusty knife, its a matter of safety, i know its better not too but if i do wouldnt he rather i do it safely, any ideas on how to talk him into giving me my kit back? -stitches aka The Antihero
  8. Ooooookaaaaay, as most of you already know I have a g/f that I really love, even wanna spend my life with her, she's really happy with me and doesn't want me to leave her and all, same thing with me. This isn't really a problem but I need feedback anyways, I'm just a bit curious, that's all, I asked her and she said I could post about this since it's not like anyone on here knows her. On to the meat of the project, she has had a really bad past, her dad walked out of her life, but now he's trying to walk back in and be an actual father, which is good. Anyway, after that happened her friend got an online b/f and was told to meet him some place, she ended up getting murdered and dumped in the trash. After that her b/f of three years left her because she was jewish, and he was also disgusted with her because she was sexually molested by her uncle when she was younger, mind you I kicked the guy's butt when I met him and he ended up going to jail, all I got was 1 week in Juv, hehehe. Wait, there's even more, her 'friend' ditched her because she was pouring out all her emotions towards her, and she just acted like she didn't even know her, after that another of her friends was murdered in his apratment complex. She feels guilty because she thinks she's pushing me away when I'm actually a sucker for tragic chicks, lol, I keep reassuring her that I really do wanna stay with her for life but she still thinks she's pushing me away. Whew, glad I got that outta my system, but I don't really need help with this, cause I know Jessica, and she wouldn't dump me as I wouldn't dump her. Sorry for my rambling, I just needed to talk talk and talk. Seeya.
  9. My x and I have not spoken in 10 months, after a rocky 7 years. She seems to get cold feet all the time and the last time I said I was done, i would not wait or be around anymore, recently, my father suddenly died after a battle with a very short illness, diagnosed one day and 6 weeks later gone, she has no idea that he was sick or has passed away and I have been struggling whether I should call her or not, I hope I do not want to do it for alterior motives, but I know deep down, i cannot get back together with her, even if she wanted too. She is the only one who really know how much I loved my dad and the kind of relationship I had with him, my family and I are heartbroken. What was weird is that two weeks after he was diagnosed, she called me, i was not home and she did not leave a message but I saw here number on my caller id..many of my friends thought maybe she had heard my dad was sick but there was no way, and I mean no way should could have known. Any suggestions, from anyone would be helpful, I have a hard time doing anything because I miss her so much and she has hurt me more than once in non-intentional ways...never cheated on me or anything like that, just a lot of baggage...any suggestions, thank you.
  10. It's a pretty dumb question because it can't be answered, bu still. Life sucks! I have thought about commitng suicide since I was 12. I started geting depressions when I was 16 and havn't had real friends since and girlfriends is only sometihng others have. My father is insane, he tried to commit suicide when I was still a baby and gets pills to stay away from bad thoughts. My fathers father hang him self soon before I got born and more in my family has bad mental problems. It has not been found out why we feel like we do and that sucks. Pain that you can't explain. I cut my self, hits the wall, listen to sad music, drown my pain and thoughts in alcohol. Bla bla bla. I whine and have a lot of selfpitty. Life really sucks, so why is it so hard to end it? Because I am standing in greyzone. Life also gives me good things like the beauty of sunsets, Jazz and blues. I don't believe that a shrink can help me. What I need is some good friends, a girlfriend and some drugs to keep the dark clouds away, because they always ruin everything. I think of death as peace. When you are dead you don't excist any more. By the way, if you have never excisted, can you then be dead? I don't expect life to be easy, but I don't understand why life has to be that painfull, that lonely, just that way. Why?
  11. I have been married for 2 years and together for 7 before that. About 4 months ago I cheated on my wife with a girl who was nothing more than a drunk. I have been an alcoholic for about the past seven years. When I have gotten drunk I said mean and nasty things to my wife. Never name calling but derogatory and harmfull comments. Since the break up after the cheating episode I have been sober for 4 1/2 months, spent over $1000.00 on therapy and have been completley honest in any conversations that I've had with her and anyone concerning my life with her. We never spoke for about 2 months and then started speaking everyday for about a month , about having children, what happened how to deal and get over it etc. I moved back In for about 10 days and everything was fine and then I came home from work one day and she said she wanted me out and was not happy and couldn't do "this" anymore. The days before this she was telling me she loves me and talking about babbies and having sex with me.I have had no contact with her except for a few conversations about legal seperation. When I ask her about filing for legal seperation as far as dates and things go she just say's "what do you think"? She knows I don't want to get a divorce and she's never come right out and asked for one. It's as if she is pushing me to do all the serious stuff against my will. She and my sister were very close and she was a faboulous aunt to my 3 nieces and nephews and I asked her not to "write them off" over my foolish horrible mistake and she said that she's not but no one has heard from her for 4 weeks. Her friends and father hate me now (not that I blame them) and are a great influence on her decision making. I told my wife that there would come the time where I would have to face her parents and other loved ones whom i've hurt and disappointed and try to make things right again, but her father just said "not a f*&$%ing chance!!" HE has constantly been sticking his nose in our lives the whole length of our relationship. He has cheated on his own wife numerous times also and my wife knows this., but she still seems to value his opinion more than anything. I have this constant feeling that there is more to this whole episode than meets the eye. I figure if you want to try and see if you can get over the infedelity, lets try marriage councilling. She wont. I guess she just may want out and has the excuse now that she doesn't look like the bad girl. Thats important to her because she constantly cares what people think. After I sobered up I truly have seen the value of my wife and want so many things with her to put the smile on her face everyday. I have so much regret and shame for what I did and the way that I acted I don't know that I can ever get over it, I am soo sorry for what I did to her. People say I am beating myself up about it too much. She has been out every night since and seems not to be taking it very hard. I am devestated!!! I can't help but feel that I have this new outlook and perspective on the thing that should have been done in our relationship but fear it's simply too late. I have committed 100% to living for our marriage, I only wish I could have been sober enough before this all happened. I've always said I would never cheat on her and truly believed I wouldn't until I got drunk one night and it happened. She's kicked me out before years ago because of the drinking and the whole scenario kinda fells the same. No contact and then 3 months later we're back together fo 2 weeks, everything is good and then BOOM.....out the door again. Please lend me some insight , I feel that no man has enough rope to climb that mountain when the friends and father are against you. I just don't know how honest she's being with herself. She's very vague, and never gives the difinitive YES or NO answers. She has never went to councilling throughout this whole thing and will not consider it. I also would like to know how you deal with the fact that someone else will soon be doing the day-to-day things and sleeping with your wife. I just can't seem to deal with it. I guess I got exactly what I deserved
  12. I just ordered this light coverup for my face beacuse for some reason a started to brake out more lately. I got fed up and just ordered the foundation. Kind of shamed that i did because im a guy and i never thoughtit would get this seriouse I ordered the foundation in "light" skin tone. Im thinking i got the right one, but then my dad thought i should get medium instead. How can i tell what tone i am? There is fair, light, meduim, tan, and dark. Im european and i think im light but im just not sure. Whats the difference between fair, light, and etc...
  13. ok....yesterday my dad and I got into a huge argument and I told him I wish he would have a heart attack, 10 minutes later thats exactly what happened he had one, my brother called 911, and he is now in the hospital, they have to do open heart surgery on him, plus he is a diabetic, and he was ill to begin with, I keep thinking I caused all this to happen, because these past few months I caused him hell....and im so sorry for it all, I realize I was being self centered, all I cared about was myself. What if my dad dies? What am I going to do? I cant live without my daddy, im only 15. Please everyone pray for my dad, his name is Karl, and just pray that he will get better, I will so appreciate it. If my dad makes it I promise I will be good.....im so scared
  14. i am in desperate need to talk to people about what im going through. ive always had a lot to say but not a lot of people to say it to, so i thought that going on this forum would help me get unbiased, real opinions on the events that have became my life. i apologize for the length of this story in advance, but would really appreciate some input about how to cope with what im going through, which might very well be, one of my biggest challenges of my life. back in may of 2004, i made a big change in my life. i left a guy that i had been seeing and living with for nearly three years and moved 1500 miles away to california. when i went out there, i had no idea how much it would change my life. for the first couple months, realitively nothing major happened, and i was attempting to heal and recover from my situation back in kansas. i met a guy in july that would change all of that. he was a marine at the time, stationed in california, and we developed a friendship instantly. we talked about things we had in common such as music, art, and much more, and found out we were both from the same area, which was really cool. i was very attracted to him and vice versa. we went on our first date in early august and have been together ever since. things went really well with him and myself the first month. we had a lot of fun, and he quickly became my best friend. i loved spending time with him, and the more i was with him, the more i realized that i was falling completely in love with him. things moved very quickly for him and i, and one day he was very angry at his situation in the military, very frustrated that his unit was going to be activated and sent overseas. well, the day that he was supposed to be activated and given his assignment for overseas, he decided to ditch the military. he has been awol for almost three months now. being awol is no small matter, and if the military ever found out where he was at, he would be facing almost 25 years alone in military jail. so, we decided at that point in time, it would be best if we just drove back to our homestate. i know that it wasnt very smart to take him back to our homestate. althought i made it clear that i wasnt happy with his choice to abandon the military, i would do what i could to give him a good life. we arrived back to kansas, and were given a pretty rude welcome home by my parents. something about this guy really set my parents off, and they havent gotten over that since. well, as time went on, our relationship began to fall apart. he never wanted to go home to see his parents or sister, and began to rely on me to find him places to stay. most of the time, i bought him hotel rooms for the night, using money i didnt have and breaking my bank account to apease him. i felt very bad for him, thinking that i had to help him get his life in order. i didnt think that he had much in his life, and he told me that his parents werent very happy with him, which is why he rarely saw them. i knew that his mother is dying of breast cancer, and his father and him rarely spoke. one day, things changed. i went on his email to look up a phone number of a guy that was supposed to be fixing my car, and wound up finding an email that i shouldnt have read but did. it was to a friend of his that hes known quite a while and it said things like "hey sexy...cant wait to see you...youre going to get it when i see you...love ya" as stunned as i was, i printed the email out and confronted him later about it. he pretended like it was no big deal and that theyre just really good friends who have a friendship like that, they just banter back and forth like that. i told him i didnt really believe him because i have guy friends that i would NEVER talk to like that, even if i was single. i told him if it was really not as big of a deal as i thought, then to let me talk to her and ask her myself. he wouldnt let me do that, saying "if you dont believe me, then whatever". we tried calling her once, but she wasnt home. later on that night, i wound up forgiving him, and he asked me to marry him. i accepted. well, a couple days later, i knew i had to find out for myself what was up with him, and how he would react to someone IMing him on the computer. i made up a screen name, and pretended to be a girl. he was very receptive to this made up girl, telling her that he was single, and, ultimately, how much he would like to meet up for a date sometime. at the end of the conversation, he gave out his phone number and told me (as this girl) to call anytime. two days after this, life changed for him and i, as we found out that i was pregnant. the day that i found out, he dropped me off at the hospital to get a test, and as he was parking the car, he texted the chicks screen name i made up saying "hey girl, why havent you called? miss you..." i couldnt believe it when i saw he had written that to her no more than 10 minutes before he found out that he was going to be a father. when i told him later that the chick he had been writing to was me, his reaction was one of "i knew it was you! thats why i kept on messaging her!" i didnt feel like he was being honest, but gave him the benefit of the doubt, as i always do. from there, things went from bad to worse. in the weeks that followed, we were constantly arguing, mostly about my parents not being very receptive to the thought of us being together. he had since moved into his sisters house after i couldnt afford to keep buying him hotel rooms. one night, something very serious happened. we started to argue about really stupid things and it escalated into something larger. he wouldnt let me leave his sisters house, blocking the door, and when he finally did let me out, he followed me. as we argued in front of my car, he lunged at me, hitting me in the face and bit my cheek as hard as he could. i was so in shock i could barely move, and all i could say is "youre a monster, i dont know you." he has never hit me since this but the fear was unbelieveable. as soon as he realized what he had done, he started to apologize profusely, "im sorry baby, im so sorry, i love you" and a cop car drove by at that moment, and he told me "lets just go inside" rather than drive away and never see him again, i followed him inside and he held me all night, petting my face and saying how sorry he was. my cheek was pretty bruised but i carried on. as much as i knew it wasnt a good idea to stay with him, i did anyway. shortly after, i tried to break up wtih him one time but he gave me this pity party about how he didnt want to have another failed relationship and how much he loved me, etc. so i stayed. again. because im a pushover. things went okay for a while, but it seems like with every good moment, theres like 10 bad. about a month ago, things went even further down the hill for us. i decided out of pure desperation to buy him a car. even though i knew id never be able to afford it, i bought it. the following monday, i cancelled the check i wrote the car for, and put a stop payment on it. the car dealership became irate with me for it, as the car was entirely in my name and they needed their money or they would turn me over to the prosecuting attorney. i told the guy im with about the situation a couple days later and it got him really upset with me too. he yelled at me, calling me every awful name and telling me that i was stupid. well, one night, my dad got a phone call from the car dealership and they said that they had turned the case over to a prosecuting attorney. i dont know what made my dad more upset, the fact that i was still with this guy who my dad calls "the parasite" or that i bought him a car with a bad check. anyway, i wound up attempting to get the car back from my boyfriend, who had been driving it since i bought it. he refused to let me get it back from him initially and i told him i had to talk to him at some point in time about everything that has been going on with us, from the car situation, to our child we're having together, and everything else. well, two days before new years, i hung out with him. he told me that he was going to bed at 9pm, and i went home at that time. he told me to call him when i got home, and when i did, there was no answer. it wasnt until 11pm that i got a hold of him, and he said he was at quick trip. i told him i thought he was going to bed, and hes like "yeah, im going home after this". the whole situation really bothered me. infact, it ate at me horribly, cause it just didnt feel right. the next night, i was continuing to feel pretty weird about it. i decided to check his voice mail on his cell phone, and i was in for a huge surprise when i did. the night that he told me he was going to bed at 11, his friend called him at 235 am and says this exact message i simply cant shake from my head: my heart broke when i heard that message. i couldnt believe what i had heard and didnt know if i was just reading more into the message than i needed to be but something inside shattered when i heard the message. i wish you guys could heard the tone of his friend, it was just so ... arrogant and non chalant. like dont mess things up with your girlfriend, but feel free to cheat on her as long as you dont get your emotions involved. so, i called my friend up. i had him listen to the message and hes like "wow, at the very least, hes totally using you, but chances are hes messing around on you" well, i called the guy who left the message on my boyfriends voice mail and hes like "i dont know about anything that went on, but your boys a sly man, we all went to ihop with tracy last night" THE NIGHT HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO BED!! wow. i never mentioned i heard the message, just that i didnt have a good feeling that my boyfriend was being honest. well, i called my boy after this, and asked him what he did the night before, and he said he went to ihop. when i asked who he went with, he told me everyone but tracy. i said "so you sure those are the only people you went with?!" he kept insisting YES, so when i said, was tracy there too? he finally says "oh yeah, i forgot she was there" i dropped it, but the next day i called him again and said we HAD to talk. i couldnt get in touch with him all that day or all that night (which was new years). the next day he finally calls, and we arrange to meet up so we can talk. i go to his sisters house and he says its not a good time cause his mom was there. i was about ready to leave when i saw the car and realized i had to get the paperwork for the car i bought him cause if he was going to be mean about the situation and not give me the car, i could present the title to the police (which is in my name) and drive away in the car without problem. so, i went to tell him this, as he was standing by his car, and when he opened his car door, i saw a pair of high heeled shoes in the passenger seat. i asked whose shoes they were cause god knows they werent mine. he didnt say anything at first, and later says theyre "a friends". i leave shortly after that, knowing in my heart they are tracys and hes lying to me. well, later on that day we finally are able to have the talk that we've needed for all too long, and he just sits there and stares right through me as im talking. i asked him point blank if hes cheated on me, he says no, and i asked him to explain the shoes. he gives me this roundabout story about how theyre tracys and they all went to some party, she didnt like the outfit she was wearing, so she changed, and got drunk at the party, and because "drunk people forget things" she left her shoes in his car. well, i just dropped it after that, even though i didnt believe him at all. i attempted to start talking about the baby, and after a couple minutes he says to me "are you done lecturing me?" i was so in shock, and stand up, put on my coat and say "i thought you could discuss things as adults but i guess i was wrong" i started to walk to my car, thinking id finally leave him but i turned around! i couldnt believe i did that, and was really upset at myself. i wound up going back in the house, and he hugged me and said he was sorry, blah blah. same ole same ole. i just couldnt believe after all ive done for him, ive given him a child, ive given him shelter when he had none, ive lied to my family for him, ive destroyed my relationship with my parents emotionally and financially, ive loved him wrong or right, and he says thanks for all that by being with someone else and robbing me blind? well, hes been trying to stay on good terms with me for the last few days, but i know its just not right. a couple days ago, i tried to tell him that i thought we were growing apart, and he wouldnt have it. he tried to tell me i was crazy and that we just need to live together and get our lives on track. i dont feel that way though. my heart is so beaten up. i just dont know how to leave him and tell him im done, even though i KNOW its not in my best interest to be with him. hes a piece of crap, and he treats me very badly. i see all the red flags, but i feel like im in quicksand, slowly sinking and dying inside. i hurt so much. i cant ever just walk away. i have a lot of love for him but its not the kind of love that will save this relationship. im losing my mind over him, my heart breaks for him, but at the same time, i cant let go. just answer me this, how come i know its bad for me to be with him but for some reason i cant let go?
  15. Me nd my partner have been together for 4 years and live together - he work s and I am in my final semester of university.. My boyfriend and I have not been gettng along properly for about 10 months and he always seemed very distant and distressed.. I thought he may be with someone else but he always denied it.. Anyway 2 days a go I found a letter in word too a work colleague taht I awlways had suspicions of. It was stating his undying love for her - and stating about all teh things he loved about her and even ssaid he was in love with her. He even dedicateda song too her..I was fumng as you can imagine - trashed teh house and moved out - I saw him in his lunch break and he said he doesnt knwo whetehr he loves her and jsut stormed out in tears saying he couldnt deal with this. Anwyay I just left and I am at a friends house now.. He kept calling sayign we needed too talk and that he doesnt love his work colleague and needed too see me. I was very distant and didnt even want too talk to him. Until I heard he spoke too my dad and dad told me he is an idiot but he does love me and when he got home sitting in teh empty flat he realised he had really really really hurt me.. He wouldnt stop calling so he cam e round too my friends and thsi is what happened: J came round yesterday and told me that I dont have too believe him or not but he does NOT love this woman or is in love with her. He admits he had feelings for her...He said that he has been going though dperession and not really knowing what it was- crying in his work loo's and stuff. He said even though this does not excuse for what has happened this is what is goign on. He called his doctor yesterday and they admitted him too a therapist straight away - saying he is mentally unstable. he said that he needs too do this on his own - all his debts and finances and sort out his head. I said that I iwl never move back there and he agreed that he thinks we need our own space. He just kept apologising. As ffor the letter he stated that he knows the letter sounded in depth. He didnt send it too her and said that he just typed it out- he said that he feels he was using teh situation of her being a shoulder for him too cry on and he thought it was turniogn into something serious. But after he had read thorugh it again it seemed stupid and pathetic. He said that he has not been feelign right in his self for months maybe a year. He said that he is really sorry for teh pain he has put me through. That whatever happens he cares for me and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt be where he is right now..! HE CLAIMS THEY NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!! The long and short of it is that he wants us too stay close and maybe when he is in therapy and getting better we can meet up on a date once in a while ans start over- but he said that it is my choice and I need too do what makes me happy..but living apart will be the best thing for us...(which i have always thought).. Right now I feel drained. I am not goign too call him as I need time too get a place of my own and get uni started up. I would prefer too wait until thsi is sorted b4 anything. The thing is I do love him 4 years is a very long time...i think i will find it very hard too trust him ever and he would have too do watever it takes for me too trust him again...i will make him pay... it has been a crazy few days... bUT i just wanted too hear some opinions. everyone is really great on here and this is the hardest thing in my life apart form my amputation and I just need sound opinions- and whether I am goign along teh right path - one day at a time...
  16. Hi, Those who remember my tale, will know that about 9 months ago I split up with wife/gf of 7 years after she needed some space(Pretty much the same as everybody here) with the agreement that it would be a full separation. We were due to see each other after 4 months on NC and her father died unexpectedly and I phoned her as soon as I knew to offer my condolences and offered to come ans see her, which she declined and I finished off by saying if she need anything, please call me. We had our planned meeting about 2 days after that and although she was very upset we we talked about us where I said I think we should get back together, to which she replied that she coulnt see it now. I was seeing another girl and I mentioned it to her, which was not for effect but because I wanted to be honest with her. It was part of our agreement that we could date and I know she had been seeing other guys A week later she sends me an email that she thinks divorce is the best way forward and we met up and it was all amicable and I said that yes if that was what she wanted then I would grant it. All this time I had made it clear that I was willing to try and work things out. All the time she insisted that she still loved me but she had to sort her own head out etc etc I sent her an email now(4.5 months later ) requesting a few bits of info to start proceedings and a bit of news about how I am. Nothing too detailed to whoich she replied wioth a newsy letter with a few strange things She said that she was angry with me for not being there when she needed me with the death of her father and had to accept that I would not be her friend for a long time. She also said that the divorce was a decision made in anger Because I didnt care about the death of her father becuase I had just brought up the divorce because I needed to let my girlfriend know. She said she had dealt woith it and it didnt matter any more Now, my thoughts where that I didnt want to further confuse the issue as we where officially NC and by being around so she had to deal with me and the death of her father. I put the ball in her court by saying that I would be there if she needed me. This is all getting used against me now and I am hurt and confused by the last bit of correspondence. I feel that events have been twisted against me and that these are very unfair accusations. The problem is I still love this girl with every ounce of my being and that is why this hurts so much. I am starting to think that I did the wrong thing, even though she wanted me to move on(Her exact words when she asked me for the divorce). Now I dont know what to do. I have offered to see her as a friend so I can sort some of this stuff out but I just feel like I am getting blamed for somthing she went through with and I am really not sure what she wants and what I was supposed to do It just feels like she initiated the split, she didnt want to try again after 4 months, she wanted the divorce and now I get blamed for scr3wing it all up?!?!?!? I am so hurt and confused I dont know wether to laught or cry. I thought I was getting over this but I feel like I am back to sq 1. Any insights appreciated as I dont have any anymore
  17. ok well over winter break i met this girl at one of my friends house... i dont go to school with either one of them or anything... but we were at his house (there were like 10 of us there) and it was kind of a small party. we were just hanging out and somebody said we should watch a movie. so we stuck one in (i dont even remember what movie it was) but that girl sat next to me. about half way through the movie she leaned her head on my shoulder so i put my arm around her and we kinda cuddled for a lil bit. then she got thirsty and got a drink for me and her. when she came back she decided to sit on my lap instead of next to me which was definitely cool with me. so we reclined in the couch and cuddled and talked. didnt watch the movie at all. but anyways... the other guys went out to the hot tub and the two of us stayed there together. we kept on talking and she started kissing my neck and ...... other stuff happened... it ended up with me stopping her cuz we just met... and both of us are virgins and i just didnt think it was worth it right there... i asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime and she said no... i was shocked and went home... about a week later she finally called me (i wouldve called her but i didnt have her # and i dont know her last name either lol and i dont know how she got mine)... anyways she said the reason she said no wasnt cuz she wasnt interested in me but it was because her parents are VERY overprotective. I asked her dad if i could date her and he straight up told me no. i asked if he would be alright with it if we had a dinner with them first or something so he could meet me and see what im like and he shot that idea down... he really just doesnt want her to date anybody... well we talked on the phone for a while after that without her dad knowing... but one day during our conversation he picked up the phone in the middle of our conversation and started yelling at her and grounded her from the phone... i guess all i want to know is what do you think i could try to see if her dad would ever let it happen... cuz im not gonna date her behind her parents back. i dont think it would work too well that way... thanks for reading this LONG post and replying...
  18. Like many of you know i just ended a year and a half relationship with my ex-boyfriend. And although it was hard for me to do, i know it will only help me in my future. He was abusive emotionally and physically, and now that has left me angry. Angry at him for being so mean towards me, someone he supposedly love and angry at myself for thinking that he loved me. I have been reading a lot of posts on here, about how healing comes with time and Patients, which is obvious, but what am i supposed to do about the anger i feel? I just don't understand how someone could treat someone with such disrespect, yet be with them for this amount of time. My ex did a lot of hurtful things to me, that hurt me at the time, and still hurt but i wanted to be with him so bad, that i looked past the abuse and the name calling so i wouldn't be alone, and when he said he was sorry the first time he hit me, i really believed it. i always thought that the next time would be different. Even though i came from a family where my father beat my mother and apologized and promised he would never do it again, he always would. I just never thought that my ex would hit me. and that has now left me and my self-confidence and self-esteem so shattered, that i don't even know where to start on picking up the pieces. When my father had his accident, and almost killed himself, i was angry..i was very angry and instead of being there and just listening and supporting me, he yelled at me. Right after i found out that my dad was in the trauma unit of the hospital with serious brain damage, i didn't want someone to yell at me at that point, i wanted someone to just listen, and he couldn't even do that. I don't know why, but some part of me just tells me that he couldn't do it because he doesn't know how, he doesn't know how to be reliable and help people. That really hurt, and i dont even think he realizes how much that hurt me, that i just needed to vent, and get out my emotions and he just told me to stop. Then says mean things about my grandparents who have been wonderful towards me because my grandmother felt the same way i did, she was hurt and angry with my father also. I look back on that day and eventhough i was in such an emotional state and he treated me like crap i still wanted him in my life...i always thought that if something big happened in my life his true colors would show and he would be the boyfriend i really needed, when in reality his true colors did show, but they weren't what i wanted, so i just changed them to fit my fantasy. He was never there for me throughout my fathers accident, taking someone to the hospital is one thing, but when i was scared my dad was going to lose his house, and i just needed to cry he told me to "Just stop, and get over it, it was my reality" That made me cry more, and i didn't know if it is because i am a very senitive person, or if he was really that cruel to not just be there. It doesn't help the fact that he hates my grandparents. They brought me up since i was 12 years old. I couldn't live with my mother or my father who divorced when i was 8. So i came to live with them, and in my eyes they were very open-minded and they weren't over protective at all, but in the eyes of my ex they were horrible towards me. and i just couldnt see it. of course my grandmother and i would have our moments, but she was no longer my grandmother...after all this time she is more like a mother, and that is normal, but it doesn't make me want to leave and move out...and thats what my ex wanted me to do. He always said that they baby me, and i am going to turn just as screw up as my mother. every private thing i have ever told him about my life, he has throw in my face somehow, and that really hurts me. I really thought i could trust him, to just listen and not take every bad thing that i have done, or my family has done and throw it in my face...just to hurt me. I feel very foolish, I can't believe i let it go on this long, i am so mad at myself for believing him, for trusting him with secrets and really thinking i could possibly make a life with him. I didn't want to lead him on in any way...i really did want to make it work, but no matter what i did, i was always wrong. I should have known better, i saw the way he treated other people, i just never thougth in the beginning that he would treat me that way...the one he loved "more than anything or anyone else in the world". I have stories that many would think i made up, but everyday was an adventure with him, and usually not a good one. I got to the point where all i would want to do was sleep, because i knew thats how i could get away from him for awhile, But that wouldn't stop him from calling my house repeated times to make sure my family wasn't lying to him... One situation i will share with you is the day of my friends birthday, i had to ask permission from him if i could go. We didn't have any plans made for that day so i didn't think it would be that big of a deal. He had his own apartment at the time, so it was just the two of us there, which scared me because i didn't always like being alone with him. I told him that it was my friends birthday and that she and another friend invited me to go out to dinner than back to her house to watch a movie and just have a girls night, he didn't understand or like it. Started yelling at me saying that we had plans and all of this stuff. Then it truned physical, he wouldn't let me leave and when i tried he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back inside. He live in an upper apartment, so it was difficult for me to run down the stairs so fast. then he locked the door and started freaking out. Telling me that i could only go to dinner then come back and spend the night wit him. I never had the chance to hang out with my friends because he would always pull this, i just figured this day would be different because it was her birthday. He got in my face and pushed his head onto mine and held me down on the couch, at this point i felt like i was losing my mind, and i was just crying hysterically, then he hit me, and i felt like i lost it and i just went to choke him...Im not a violent person but i just couldnt handle him in my face and he wouldn't let me go..and he would push my face so i would look at him...then he started in on how i made him want to go and use drugs, and how we were going to go for a ride...i was going to go w/ him, and watch him smoke crack. that freaked me out, i didnt know what to do. i just kept praying, then all of a sudden his mom knocked on the door. I know it was God at that moment answering my prayers, because he let her in and calmed down, and i got to leave. I thought it was over, when i got home i was still upset but i tried not to let on but my grandparents knew something was up, i told her what happened...minus the physically stuff, and she said just to get ready and try to go out and have fun. While i was getting ready i heard my neighbors and my grandparents talking outside...(it was summer the window was open) and then i saw him, he just kept driving by my house, and then i got scared again...i called my friend and told her i couldn't drive to her house because i didn't want him to follow me, and that i didn't know if i wanted to go anymore. He just kept driving by, then he came to my door, my grandparents told him i was already gone, and that he should leave me alone, i was listening at the top of the stairs and he started yelling and screaming at them, that they were A**holes and that they treat me like a child. He finally left. I was scared that he was going to do something with my car, so my neighbor was going to park it in his driveway to hide it, and when he was backing my car out my Ex pulled up, becuse he was watching from up the street and parked infront of my neighbors driveway so he couldn't pull in...then he pulled away. I still continued to get ready, and my friend called back and said that they wanted me to go and she would come and pick me up. I went outside with my family and neighbors to look and see if he was around, and when i saw him parked down the street, i knew that my friend was coming and i didn't want him to follow her or hurt her so i had her park on another street and call me when she got there so i would just meet her at her car. I know this sounds so crazy, and my family really wanted to call the cops, but i wouldn't let them...don't ask me why..i think it was just because i was so scared of him, that i thought calling the cops would only anger him more. It is just really hard for me not to get angry when i think about all the things he has done, and i get so angry at myself for letting him hurt me in such ways...i thank you all who have read this all the way thru...i know it is really long, but i really needed to get it out...
  19. .I am the proud father of a newbary baby girl, she is 3 weeks old today. She will take great naps during the day, however, she has to be held by either myself or my wife, 5 min's after we put her down, she'll wake up and fuss and as soon as we pick her up, right back to sleep. This is starting to carry over at night, too. we have a co-sleeper which she will sleep for an hour or two in, but once she wakes up to eat, she'll fall back asleep but once we put her back in the co-sleeper she wines and cries and morning comes and there she is, in our bed sleeping in her boppy. Anyone have any advice as to how we can get our little girl to sleep on her own? My sister in law had the same problem with her son, and he's now 14 months old and still sleeping in between mom and dad!!! I don't want that to be me!!
  20. Hey enotalone, today when I was at my buddies house, hand his brother fired off two rounds of his Dad's beretta and it was quite loud. It wasn't stock in that respect and it was louder than should be. But anyways ever since they were fired, I have a very loud ringing in my left ear that doesnt seem to go away since it started at around 4 this afternoon. Im thinking I'll sleep it off and see what happens and if stays bad I will see about seeing a doctor, but has this ever happened to anyone and if so was there anyway to help it other than louder sounds? Thanks
  21. I have been married for 2 years and together for 7 before that. About 4 months ago I cheated on my wife with a girl who was nothing more than a drunk. I have been an alcoholic for about the past seven years. When I have gotten drunk I said mean and nasty things to my wife. Never name calling but derogatory and harmfull comments. Since the break up after the cheating episode I have been sober for 4 1/2 months, spent over $1000.00 on therapy and have been completley honest in any conversations that I've had with her and anyone concerning my life with her. We never spoke for about 2 months and then started speaking everyday for about a month , about having children, what happened how to deal and get over it etc. I moved back In for about 10 days and everything was fine and then I came home from work one day and she said she wanted me out and was not happy and couldn't do "this" anymore. The days before this she was telling me she loves me and talking about babbies and having sex with me.I have had no contact with her except for a few conversations. She and my sister were very close and she was a faboulous aunt to my 3 nieces and nephews and I asked her not to "write them off" over my foolish horrible mistake and she said that she's not but noone has heard from her for 4 weeks. Her friends and father hate me now (not that I blame them) and are a great influence on her decision making. after I sobered up I truly have seen the value of my wife and want so many things with her to put the smile on her face everyday. I have so much regret and shame for what I did and the way that I acted I don't know that I can ever get over it. People say I am beating myself up about it too much. She has been out every night since and seems not to be taking it very hard. I am devestated!!! I can't help but feel that I have this new outlook and perspective on the thing that should hve been done in our relationship but fear it's simply too late. I have committed 100% to living for our marriage, I only wish I could have been sober enough before this all happened. I've always said I would never cheat on her and truly believed I wouldn't until I got drunk one nighyt and it happened. She's kicked me out before years ago because of the drinking and the whole scenario kinda fells the same. No contact and then 3 months later we're back together. Please lend me some insight , I feel that no man has enough rope to climb that mountain when the friends and father are against you. I just don't know how honest she's being with herself. She's very vague, and never gives the difinitive YES or NO answers. She has never went to councilling throughout this whole thing and will not consider it. I also would like to know how you deal with the fact that someone else will soon be doing the day-to-day things and sleeping with your wife. I just can't seem to deal with it. I guess I got exactly what I deserved.
  22. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. (being brief) meet this girl age 25, I'm 23, we meet at the place she worked..."A nightclub" I got her number, and talking to her at times, seems to be a problem, I just tried to call her but shes eating supper. Opps, same thing last night. (different time thow) She does however talk when i get her on the phone, which has only been about a dozen times, her dad just answered saying "she will call you back" there have been several times where she has said that same line about calling me back, But she never has...So my question is do i keep chasing, keep calling, act interested, instead of just trying to get to know her a little more first. Do i dare show some aggressiveness this early? would a women like that? p.s. she does have a 5 yr. old girl...so i can understand she has priority.
  23. My father was never there. I dont think he even knows my middle name. He was diagnosed with Hepatitis C 4 years ago. Come to find out that he had it for 25 years. And hes like a little child now. He goes to the bathroom on the television, he cant dial the phone, he cant even eat right without shaking. Hes like a 4 year old boy. Its ashame when I see him this way, but also I just cant seem to care as much as I use to. He use to cheat on my mother all of the time. Come home drunk, and his obsession over money is rediculous. We are stuggling with bying him the pills for his disease, and he goes out and buys a $16,000.00 harley motorcycle, that he cant even drive. It just sits there, just like his new truck. My mother said something to me the other day... that would change my feelings for my father forever. She told me "jessica, I have to tell you this now because, when your father dies (she said WHEN, not IF) you might be confused at his funeral"... and i said "ok tell me" and she said "your father also has 2 other children from 2 different women, he had cheated on me and ...." blah blah blah. I didnt even think about anything else besides "where are these kids" and my mom told me "he doesnt want nothing to do with them, I try telling him that he should talk to them, but he ignores them, Those calls that we get and we answer and the person hangs up... its his kids. He acts like he has no kids besides you" I am ANGRY, I AM FURIOUS... the worste thing is when he gets mad he says "WHen i get this liver transplant I cant wait to leave this house" Hes only still with us because hes sick. And my moms only with him because If she leaves HE WILL DIE because he cant take care of himself. And she thinks her vowels are important in there marrage (sickness and health)... I dont know.... I just dont KNOW ANYMORE! I HATE HIM. I HATE THIS FAMILY. I CANT DO ANYTHING TO GET MY MOM TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE, shes always HAD a bad life since childhood, WHY DOES it have to be US!
  24. Has anyone felt like they've been on top of the world and everything is going alright, then a year later is a flip of a coin? That's how it seems to me and i'm really getting bummed out. It started about a year ago. My gf of 6 yrs and I broke up. I was the one who did it and it must have been the hardest thing i've done. Basically, I was led to believe she was foolin around with my friends because of a conversation she brought up on open relationships (Not a great topic after 6 years in a relationship). To cut a long story short, I didn't really care for the whole idea and after the change in the way I looked at her, I decided it had to end. What a rollercoaster that was. I was so sure that I could do better. I was on this site looking for answers. From her being with me almost everyday to not at all in a blink of an eye, yeah, I definitely needed some support. There were great posts and the general theme that I took to heart was that I should be looking out for myself right now. I even went as far as to cut off all communication with her (based on a post that said, "how would getting a constant reminder of something you no longer have help you move on?" Or to that effect). From then on out for the next few months I partied it up and was starting to feel alot better. Then, the unexpected happened. My dad died of a heart attack. Not only was I reeling from the loss of a great relationship, now I had my dad's death to deal with. After that, I couldn't go out as I did. Circumstances had me at home keeping my mother company. It's not that I would choose not to, it's just that it was alot for me to take in and being at home almost all the time made me really depressed. Nothing but me and my thoughts were all I had. That and a whole lot of great memories for me to painfully remember. Well it got better for awhile. I started going out again just with some friends after being much of a recluse. I even started taking dance classes. I thought that this would be a great start for me to be sociable again. It was good. Then things at work started to go downhill. After a few years of being at a good job, I left because the company wasn't doing so well financially. Now here I am, single, lonely, at job that doesn't pay me as much as my last, having to give up my new car because I can't keep up with payments, and feeling pretty run down. Thank the stars I have my friends at dance class to keep my going. But now I hear my ex might take that same class. Ugh. I'm not even ready to see her let alone, dance with her. I know her life is on track (for which i'm painfully jealous of). New boyfriend, good paying job, in school. It's not so much that my life feels like it's stalled, I can deal with that. It seems my life is taking a turn for the worse and I can't seem to shake it. All I ever do is feel lousy and depressed and like a loser. Does anyone have any advice they can give me?
  25. About a year ago I ran into an old friend while on business. We decided to get together over lunch and catch up. I learned that she now had four kids all with the same father. They were never married and they were always fighting. She eventually threw him out of the house. We had lunch several times over the next couple months and had a great time seeing each other. We went to a concert, but we were still just friends trying to see where each other was at. We went out after the concert and chatted for several hours, but we were still just friends. She had a car accident and was OK, but it prompted her to send me an email asking me if I was interested in her since she had developed feelings for me. She later told me that I was the first thing she thought of after the accident. We went to a halloween party together where we had our first kiss. Everything started rolling after that. After Thanksgiving I started spending the night a couple times a week. Her kids were having a great time with me since their father never cared for any of them. We had several conversations regarding the kids. She was going to get the father to sign off on them since he was a deadbeat. She even asked me if I would adopt them. After about 5 months of a great relationship things got weird. She told me she didn't know where she was right now with things and so on. So, I decided to make a surprise visit to drop off Easter stuff for the kids and noticed she had company. I left because I didn't want to intrude, but I wasn't sure who was there. I talked to her the next day and she told me it was the father who was there. He was going to watch the kids over Easter break because the oldest child didn't want to go to daycare. The father of the kids was staying with his uncle at the time. The uncle had a heart-attack while he was watching the kids, so the family shunned him. Now he is staying there because he doesn't have anyplace to live. She says nothing is going on. She knows he is only acting nice to the kids to try and get back with her. We have communicated very little over the past 3 weeks, but she is seeing a counselor. She was anxous to meet me for lunch one day to discuss things, but cancelled because she got an appointment with a counselor. She dropped off a belated Easter basket full of treats at my house with a note. The note said she loved me and I was great and that with time she would work through this. My question is what should I do and what is going on because of the lack of communciation between us. Is our relationship over or does she need time to get her life in order?
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