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About Me

  1. From few days, I have been getting ill feelings towards every human being. I don't know what is happening to me. People just wanna criticize me. I try to help them but they don't wanna help me. I asked for some advice but only 2 persons helped me. Others just listened to the problem as if they are joining what is happening in my personal life. I feel as if they are so selfish. They just wanna take help but don't wanna help others. Even if they don't have anything to advice,at least words of comfort may help, isn't it? I literally avoid asking for help from people because I don't wanna disturb them but when i do, consider it a serious issue. Next i am tired of being criticized. Even if i help them,they don't take it seriously. They humiliate so much. It's as if they slit your neck into two and say"Oh sorry,sorry.. I didn't mean that." Yet i forgive them even before they ask for it. Please help me. I have so many hardships and i just need words of comfort to be least but they don't understand what one is going through. I can't discuss my problems with anyone, they would consider it a burden ,i am sure. I am tired of keeping them within myself. I don't know what is happening to my heart. It's getting filled with filthy feelings, I don't know what should i do?
  2. I’ve been dating a guy for 5 months, the relationship was really good and healthy, he treated me with respect and I did the same for him. He was always there for me, being a loving boyfriend, listening to my problems and giving me advice. The relationship I had with his family and friends was pretty good too. One day he dumped me out of the blue. He just woke up and told me that he didn’t see a future with me, and that he felt something off with the relationship for some time. Now he is back and asking for another chance. Should I forgive him or should I say no and walk away. Help please
  3. We are in relationship for more than a 1,5 year, we are living together for 1 year. We are truly in love, she is always smiling when I get back from work ,has happy tears when I do something nice for her, I really care and look after her, she knows that becouse she often tells me that i am a great men, perfect one… but i had a problem, when we were at some party and I drank Too much i started arguing with her without any reason, one time I hurt her so deeply that she basicly broke up with me but after two days she forgave me and from that situation i promised to her that i will work on myself, and it wont happen again, an amazing year just passed, i have kept my promise, we had very few small fights but nothing serious just normal relationship stuff and 99% of them was while we were sober until now , becouse 2 days ago it happened to me (and her) again - I Lost control over how much i drank on new years eve and at about 3 am I started arguing with her without any reason - again, I dont know why I did it and there is no logic in my behaviour - i blacked out. Next morning when i woke up with a Hangover she told me that I need to move out till the end of the month, and thats Too much for her, that she doesnt let me treat her like that her friend was still with us so i didnt have a chance to talk to her than. I bought her favourite sweets and meal few hours after and left a card with my apology ( begging for forgiveness)the next day i bought the flowers and big teddy bear and I asked her for forgiveness personaly, I was basicly begging her to not leave me and trying to show her that i did changed but i have failed this night and now I will basicly throw alcohol away from my life so It now wont happen again for sure and i know i can do this ( i was crying telling her that) but without any satisfying result, she accepted flowers i think becouse they are standing on a main table in our home. Today i made a dinner for her but becouse I knew she doesnt want to eat with me I just told her that i made it and its ready on the table. 1 hr later i recieved a message on my phone that she thanks me for the dinner but I can stop trying as it wont change anything… i went outside for a walk and texted her my asking for forgiveness again and my will to change, and how much she means to me etc but she said she doesnt trust me no more becouse i said same thing last year and it happened again and that she doesnt want to be with a person like me no more… I know she loves me and i love her Too , she means world to me and I cant imagine life without her, she didnt remove our pictures from home walls or Instagram or relationship status from facebook i know I can completely remove alcohol from my life becouse its the only reason i acted like this, and only reason my relationship is broken now - ( i am not drinking everyday, just some weekends) should I give her more time since its been only 2 days ? (We never had a longer „fight”) and than ask her again ? do You think she will forgive me ?
  4. I left my husband almost 2 years ago. We were quite different but the trigger was me having a transplant in hospital over Christmas and he didn’t come visit. Not because he didn’t care but because he was working on the practicalities of moving house and looking after our son etc. However, at the time I needed him there and it summarised just how different we were- me being emotional and him being practical. So I left. I met my current partner 18 months ago and we are expecting our first baby at the end of May. But I can’t stop thinking about my husband. I’m overwhelmed with guilt. He is such a good man and an amazing father to our son. I know so many people would kill for a partner like him. I hate myself for hurting him and I can’t forgive myself for not working on the relationship. I love my current partner and we are a lot more compatible but every single day I hate myself for ruining my marriage. I don’t know how to move on and try forgive myself for my mistakes. Any advice would be appreciated!
  5. I met a guy, the most amazing, kind, fun, like minded person I have ever met. He gave me everything, made me feel like the most important person in the world.....and I ed it. I deceived him by messaging someone else. I told him the truth, but this one lie has ruined everything, he can't even look at me anymore. He thinks I've lied about everything, he thinks I'm lying when I apologise, and no matter what I try to do to fix it, it only makes things worse. Is there any way he will ever forgive me or am I just clutching at straws in hope.
  6. Me and my bf have been together for 5 years. He is a reay great guy and loves me a lot.He cheated on me once with my close friend where they exchanged texts for a few months... But he felt v.guilty came clean to me... After lots of fights and time... I forgave him... Its been 4 years now and he has always been extremely truthful and goes out of the way to make me happy... But two days ago he has a beer. He promised he will never consume alcohol and even if he did,he would tell me...He dint tell me and told mr only because he got sick. I feel so betrayed again... He said he was forced to take at his work... I m v.scared and hurt that he lied to me. He says he has been building the courage to tell me for 2 days.But it really makes me sad and i love him so much and i know he regrets it. but i m finding it hard to accept it. What to do?
  7. Me & my significant other are currently going through some things that are veryyy complicated! .. to make it sort of simple.. We were having disagreements & arguments like no other for the past 2 weeks straight.. the arguments stems from him turning down my advances for sex .. again! at first it was the "I'm tired from work" "I'm to stressed out" to a blatent "I just don't want to" & him not wanting to do any bonding activities (it's fair season) so.. I can admit I have been giving him a hard time because I was frustrated. Things ended up getting physical. & I broke his windshield :( It was my fault , offered to pay for damages but he says "we're okay , I forgive you" sounds like good news right? (Under the circumstances) nope! so he then decided basically that since the relationship went left we can be friends until things get back right.. but the Break is not mutual.. & his reasoning for not wanting the relationship seems like things we can work on from within & he just doesn't agree.. I'm at a crossroads sort of because I love him so much but I feel as if he's trying to leave the door cracked open ya know? Or like you know how you can bond with a car but without the title it's pointless? That's how I feel.. I may be processing it wrong but what do you guys think ?
  8. A few months after breaking up I had a discussion with my ex in which I somehow indirectly accused him that he had hurt me during the relationship. I said that “I hope you will understand one day how much you hurted me. And how much I gave for you”. (The relationship with him was very hard for me because I was the crazy in love one, ready to do everything, while he was detached and I felt he never really cared for me.) He said it was never his intention to hurt me and that he knows how much I gave for him and also he somehow pointed at the fact that I should have learned to forgive and forget if I was a good person. So it was kind of an accusation that I still hold grudges. Now, I really do hold grudges on him. I mean I really felt hurt during the relationship and I got out of it with such a low self esteem(to which he also “contribute” with his behaviour). Maybe the reasons for my heatred are not serious enough, but personal frustrations only, but I can’t say “I am chill about the past”. This resentment makes me feel bad in the same time. And I feel guilty especially because he put that in my face. And most important I somehow use this bitterenes inside, to make myself totally forget about him and to tell myself it was not worth. Because I still have feelings that I hide behind the heatred. Anyway now I am NC with him and I go on with life but I can’t let the grudges go. I still didn’t get over past. The best would be to forgive and be at peace, but I don’t even know how to do that. Are my feelings normal? How to decide wether you are fair in your feelings or not? What’s the solution to get rid of them? Thank you!
  9. hey everyone well about halfway through last year i wanted 2 live with one of my 3 sisters because i wasnt happy with the area i was living in and i was really depressed. anway so they all gave me false hope and led me to believe it was ok to move with them then changed their mind. i never really opened up to them until i was led to believe i was getting out of here and then i started to. the funny thing is not one of them apologised for doing that. im not hurt at the fact i couldnt go but the fact they led me to believe i could and then burst my bubble. ive tried to tell them how much it hurt but they just said your only 16 and i dont want you 2 be my responsibility. the funny thing is if the situations were reversed id still take them in even after the pain they caused me. so basically i forgave them i dint 4get wat they did and accepted i got 2 more years in this hole. but now its 4th week of school and i get depressed for no reason sometimes but other times i feel fine all i want to know is does anyone know a way i can stop these random depressions. and how can i stop it
  10. I have been in a relationship for a little over a year now, and things are starting to get serious. My boyfriend has mentioned marriage here and there, and his family has asked when we're getting married. I care about him very much and would like to marry him, except I can't get over the fact that he was engaged about 4 years ago, and broke it off because he really didn't want to marry her (he was pressured by her). They kept in contact after the relationship ended until he and I met. He no longer answered her phone calls or her postings on his personal website, and when I posted a message, she went off at me, throwing personal insults at my credibility. She finally stopped calling after I personally told her to stop contacting him. He used to bring her up in conversation about a year ago, and it didn't bother me so much. When I think back now, I get really angry and start entering self- hatred mode. I hate him for thinking about her, talking about her, I even hate him for being stupid enough to almost marry her. I care for him very much but I can't bring myself to think about marriage. I can't forgive or forget. I've tried to at least forgive him, but it's nearly impossible. The more serious the relationship gets, the more I hate myself for not leaving a year ago. I just don't feel special, I feel like "sloppy seconds." Why would a guy become engaged to a girl he doesn't want to marry? Do you think I should let it go?
  11. I see you standing there with a blank look on your face, Like all the thing's we did together you just try to erase. I am thinking to myself on why I am still so alone, That when I walk around this house it is a empty home. I try to justify everything that you did and said to me, All the times we argued still nothing made you see. I feel deep within my heart love for you that wont go away, It is way down deep inside of me and that is where it will stay. Do you think that it is right that we are starting to talk again, I hope that everything will be ok and not like way back then. I know that they say forgive and forget things that happen to you, I just dont want to ever again go through what I went through. But still something makes me think about you each and everyday, Makes me feel like you never left me that you never went away. So mabe this is right or mabe I will find out it's wrong, But I always knew that my love for you was strong. So if I get heart broken again or you even hurt me, I will just know this time it was a mistake and once again fly free.
  12. My ex and I lived a dream for a while. I'd never seen a couple who loved each other as much as we seemed to... I had a sleeping disorder, which had a huge effect on my personality and our relationship. I became grumpy all the time with mood swings, depression, getting into arguments frequently, putting her down all the time. All these things are very unlike me. Neither of us at the time really understood that much of this was due to the disorder. She left me in March, saying she needed some time to figure out how she felt. She told me she wanted to be able to come back, but didn't know if she could. It made her cry to think that we might lose what we once had. We both knew how beautiful it was. I made the mistake of sometimes bringing up painful subjects in our conversations. I decided I wouldn't contact her for a while, because it seemed we both needed that. Three weeks later, I got an email from her expressing serious doubts. A week after that she said she wanted to make a clean break. She no longer wanted to make it work -- she just wanted to be done with it. She didn't think she could talk to me without experiencing intense pain. I could send her one email, she said, but no more. It was NOT what I expected. I was completely shocked. From 'I have no idea at all how I feel' to 'My heart tells me I can't be with you' all so suddenly? A week later, she SAID the memories didn't hurt anymore, she SAID that she no longer had doubts about leaving, and that she felt free. But she's the kind of person who doesn't always let on how she feels inside. It seemed like she no longer cared about me, that I was completely out of the picture, and after going through so much with her, I didn't understand how that was possible. Her friends told me she was really cynical and bitter, very unlike her. A few weeks later, she was more like her old self, clearly not missing me, but perhaps ready to listen... and I decided it was near time to send the email. I sent it last week after more than 2 months of NC. I tried to explain how much I really cared about her (without sounding at all desperate), and I told her about the sleeping disorder, and the effect that had on me. I told her I've had treatment and that I feel better than ever. No response yet. I was really hoping she would. When she doesn't respond, I kill myself trying to interpret what that means. Do you think maybe it takes some time for her to process this and figure out how she feels? A part of me fears this is going to have no influence on her whatsoever. I used to think she was a very forgiving and very understanding person. Now, maybe irrationally, I perceive her as cold, distanced, without any capacity to care for me, or even to react emotionally to my words. Is it possible that it won't matter to her when she finds out that my personality changes had nothing to do with her, but were the results of a medical problem? Is it possible, when there was so much love and passion, that not a spark of it remains? I sort of fear this is going to have no influence on her whatsoever. I used to think she was a very forgiving and very understanding person. Now, maybe irrationally, I perceive her as cold, distanced, without any capacity to care for me, or even to react emotionally to my words...
  13. I've posted 2 other things on here about how my bf and I had gotten in a huge fight last weekend and how I broke up with him while drunk (huge stupid mistake) and he wouldn't talk to me, return my calls or answer my emails. Well on Friday he finally signed back onto instant messenger and I was able to talk to him for awhile. He said he doesn't see me the same way anymore. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me. after I talked to him for awhile about that he was pretty much not talking to me much I asked him about regular stuff and he seemed to warm up to me a little but yesterday I talked to him online he told me not to call he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone or see me right now and yesterday he wasn't really willing to talk to me. He kept saying maybe I'm not ready to forgive you right now. and he keeps saying how it doesn't matter how much apologizing I do he doesn't care. I know if I saw him or talked to him on the phone he wouldn't be so angry with me but he's unwilling to do that it's like he wants to stay mad at me. and he wont answer me and let me know if we're together or if he wants to be with me anymore he just says I can't answer that or I dont know. I dont know what to do. I miss him so much and I tell him how I feel and he's like I don't care how you feel right now. It's frustrating What would you do?
  14. I have been with my bfriend for 1.5 years now. He is in his 30's, I am in my 20's. Anyways, our relationship has always been a little rocky, but when we are getting along, we have a great time. Lately though, a lot of issues have been coming up about his ex, his temper, etc. Just to give a little detail, when we met, he was honest and told me he had some issues that needed to be solved with his ex, but they would be wrapped up soon. To this day, he still emails her, I don't know how much though. Just about a month ago, he lied to me saying he was going to dinner with his guy friends, and I come to find out, he took his ex out for her bday. Then, when I confront him about his emailing her still, etc., he gets irate, and tells me I am obsessed with the ex thing. Im not, I just want him to be honest. He doesn't hang out with her anymore, and he swears to me they are 100% over in that way, he is just being supportive to her (through email) because she found out she has cancer. He says I am too young to understand, and I am handling this like a child. Anyways, he yells at me no matter who's fault it is, and when I saw an email two months ago from his ex saying "i miss u" and "thanks for being there for me," I confronted him and he lashed out at me. Anyways, the verbal abuse turned physical yesterday. I will not go into details why, but it was a misunderstanding on HIS part. He started yelling, then ripped my shirt. He pushed me very hard onto the floor, then when I got up to stop him, he hit me again. He would not let me explain, and when I tried, he threw me down again on the floor! I don't know why, but when he apologized, I forgave him! I am really in shock that he did this to me. This has never happened to me before, and I am just feeling so bad right now. Why do I want to forgive him, and why didn't i just say, "**** you," and leave him and not look back. I am so hurt right now. He has apologized, and feels awful, but still...
  15. I dont know if this topic has been discussed before,it probably has,but I havent been here long so forgive me if I'm starting it again I was just wandering around here and reading all these posts about women dieting and wanting to lose weight and being fat,that I just thought about it.I wonder why is it so important to be thin? I know being overweight is unhealthy but being skinny is too. I just hate the fact that society makes standards for how our bodies should be.And why have the standards change so much through the years? A century ago men liked women who were almost overweight.Havent you realized how those fine artists used to paint all these women? My bf told me a while ago: 'Until the 50's,most of the stars on tv were curvy,with nice legs and all,and then in the 60's it started to get all screwed up,peple started liking skinny women' LOL,well,he does not like skinny girls,thats why he said it like that,but then,isnt it true? Marilyn Monroe wasnt really thin,she was curvy if anything,and yet she was beautiful and men loved her! So what do you think about this topic?
  16. I can't take this crap anymore. Everyone I know has some sort of meaning to their life, and in some way or another it always splashes in my face to make my life seem more insignificant. I've tried for many girls, I've tried to make my parents proud of me, and I've tried to allow people to approve of me, and it's just all a waste of time. It's so fake. I'm so tired of trying to change myself. Trying to change my clothes, my hair, and even my own personality just so other people will like me better. Nothing works, and being myself has never worked out because people are retarded and don't know a good person when they meet one. I've acted generous, happy go luck, forgiving, and most of all, trusting, and have received nothing but a cold shoulder, and a dark demeanor. I'm so tired of people who call things "gay" because they do not share the same interest, or belief. I'm tired of people who announce their personal life on MSN just to attract attention. I know that is what I am doing right now on the board, I thought I'd sink low for once and try it. I have nothing else to do with my life now. I won't waste it, that shows weakness beyond forgiveness. I will stop trying to attract people, and I will allow my Ki to absorb others' energy. I'm sick.
  17. broke up with my bf of five months over two months ago. It was hard because I did'nt want to break up with him, I had to. Why? Because the guy who at first was crazy about me lost interest. That's what I think anyway, cos he just stopped wanting to c me and spend time with me. Anyway, it hurt. At first I just cried and was miserable. Then I got angry. Angry at how lightly he messed with my feelings, angry at how lightly he treated the break up, angry at how it did'nt care and was after and got with other girls very very soon after, angry at how he had changed from the guy I fell for. I texted my mate mate one day saying hi, how r u, the usual stuff and added 'Im over tom. He's turned into such a *beep*. I deserve better and Im not just being arogant.' I sent it to my mate & forgot about it, till....I got a message from tom saying 'I'm sorry I turned into a *beep*, good luck finding someone better, although it will be hard to find someone as mature as you. f*** you.' I then realised that somehow that message had been sent to Matt too. Either someone sent it or it sent in my bag - cruel twist of fate. I did not send it. I went to Tom immediately to apolize. I said I didnt send the message, that I did'nt mean it, I was just hurt and angry. He did'nt understand. He shouted and swore at me and then I eventually left after he just kept saying 'fine' to everything I said. I texted him saying sorry and later e-mailed him. He didnt reply. I saw him after a month, went to his room at uni, to say hi and he was awful to me. He was polite, like answered my questions (didnt ask any of his own) and just sat back in his chair with a smirk on his face. A smirk that made me feel worthless. His mates are ignroing me too. I just wonder why is he being so mean, why cant he ofrigve and forget? It was'nt such a big thing! I mean it sounds so petty, is so petty and were adults more or less! Do i deserve this treatment that makes me feel awful?
  18. Im in love with a woman 11 years older than I am, I never thought such a thing possible but I guess it is. She completes me, she is my everything. I have hurt her and I hope she can forgive me, truly forgive me for I do not know what I would do without her. When i talk to her I become a wave of happinessm however when I do not tlak to her for dats or weeks at a time I become secluded and unhappy well maybe not unhappy, perhaps content looking forward to the next time we can talk. She wants me to be with a girl closer to my own age, a girl I can be with but she can't seem to understand that she is waht I want, what I need. She is *****, she is 27 years old and she is the love of my life. All this may seem strange and coreny perhaps taken from a hollywood movie but it was not, this comes from the deepest depths of my heart which is filled with love of this perfect female. She has made mistakes in her life as have I but in the end it does not matter what either of us have done in the past but what we can do together in the future, what we, if she can accept me again, will do in the future, many will assume this coming from a 16 year old is blasphemy, how could I understand what love is, I say to those people that love holds no boundaries. All in the end it comes to one thing; I love ***** and to be with her would complete me and allow me to grow more then ever thought possible. For a man throwing his feelings out, it is one of the hardest things to do, for myself espically because every other time in my life I have shown and give my feelings of love I have been shutdown and shutout. However for this female she needs to know how I truly feel she needs to know without her I am lost. Some may consider me a fool, yes I am but I would much rather be a fool inlove then a fool with and empty heart. Look past the promise I broke to you *****. For I was confused about myself, who I was. I learned who I am and that is nothing and no one without you in my life You can say anything you want about me, sute ive done things that are messed up, obsessive even but it was all in effort to learn who I am as a person. Wanting to be with ***** does not make me obsessive for she does not control and enter my every thought she just makes me happy and isnt that all we want in life, to be happy My name is ***** and I love ***** with all my heart. Yes im young, i have plenty of chances to find love in my life but to those critics I ask you, Should I give up love just because of age or because I need to go out with more girls my own age, I cant stand girls my own age they plainly annoy me Should I give up love, Should anyone give up love for that matter. The true and real love that you feel when you meet a person that completes you as a person? Thats my moment for the night, tell me what ya think (am I nuts?, got something going for me?, all comments accepted
  19. This May will be my 4 year anniversary with my girlfriend. We met as juniors in high school, now we're juniors in college. We connected with each other instantly and shared first time sexual experiences and first love. Everything was perfect until we had to go to college. I stayed at home to attend a school in our city, but she went to a school that's a 4 hour drive away. We stayed together, and talked to each other very often on the phone. I missed not seeing her everyday, but I loved her and thought all was well. I was wrong. In february she cheated on me. This was two years ago. One night out of the blue she says she thinks we should break up. She said she was curious about seeing other people. I proceeded to cry like a baby and beg her not to leave me for the next hour. She cried as well, but I cried more. And oh god, how I begged. I told her how she was the only good thing in my life, please don't leave, me, I'm nothing without you, yada yada yada. Finally, she reluctantly (and I do mean reluctantly, I remember the tone in her voice) said "Ok, I'll stay with you." For another hour after that I pressed her for details on more reasons why she wanted to break up with me. Being the self conscious person that I am, I assumed everything was my fault. She agreed. Reason after reason after reason was given. Little things, and not so little things that I had done and failed to do to make her happy. I didn't tell her how beautiful she was anymore, she always had to call me and I never called her, etc. etc. It all made perfect sense at the time. Of course! I was an idiot and taking her for granted. She also said she wanted me to visit her up at her college, or vice versa, which also made perfect sense. But there were other things she said that were different. I come from a very dysfunctional family, and have two brothers that are high school drop outs and former drug dealers. I myself am an amazing anecdotal case for nature over nurture. I never did drugs, was an honors student in school, etc. But my girlfriend mentioned my family, and said she was afraid our family would be like that if we ever got married. Or, at the very least, she'd be ashamed to have my idiot brothers over for dinner, or our kids having bad cousins because of them. How the hell am I supposed to change that? But it made perfect sense! I was a total idiot for being born into a bad family, and should beg her forgiveness. Then, there was the low of the low. My eating. I could spend hours writing about it, so I'll try to keep it short. Ever since I was a baby, I've had an "eating disorder." EVERYONE thought something was wrong with me as an infant. They could hardly get me to eat anything. I wouldn't even drink milk. Despite the fact that everyone was convinced something was wrong with me, no one took me to a doctor about it. Instead, my father tried scare tactics and told me I would die before becoming a teenager because of the way I ate. I believed him until I was 8 years old, but felt powerless to change myself. Anything I ate that wasn't junk food tasted disgusting to me and made me sick. I endured years of being teased by other kids at lunch because of my eating. I never ate hot dogs or hamburgers. In hindsight with psychology classes I've taken, I think I suffered from generalized acquired taste aversion. You know when you eat something and it makes you sick, and from then on that food tastes bad to you even if there's nothing wrong with it? I think I was given a food as an infant that I had a bad experience with, and that was the start of my problem. My parents handled it very poorly and made things worse. My diet has since expanded, but is still quite limited compared to the average person. So my girlfriend brought up my eating. She was afraid I'd be a bad influence on our future children. You can't imagine how unbelievably guilty I felt when she said that, even if it didn't make much sense. I swore to try and change. Up until that point I thought our relationship was perfect, and her trying to dump me crushed that illusion. Even so, stange as it may sound, I loved her even more after that. I suppose it was the "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" effect. I tried a couple of new foods (ate my very first hamburger at age 21), and visited at her school the next weekend. All was well. Flash forward a week to us talking on the phone again. She starts a "hypothetical" conversation about cheating, and wether or not you should tell your girlfriend/boyfriend you've done it after the fact. I think I said it depends on the circumstances exactly, to which she asked "What if its just kissing?" "Then I'd have to tell you and hope you forgive me." "I have bad news." Only then did it finally hit me, right in the pit of my stomach. She had cheated on me. "Did you kiss someone else?" "Yes." Two seconds later. "I forgive you." I barely even hesitated. I forgave her immediately. That was a mistake. It turns out the real reason she tried to dump me was because she got drunk at some stupid frat party and ended up making out with a guy for 10 minutes. She says that's all that happened and I believe her. As cheating goes that's relatively miner, but it wasn't just the kissing, it was everything else. I could understand wanting to break up with me. It's a long distance relationship and maybe it wouldn't work. But instead of breaking up with me clean and just hanging up after making it very clear it's over, she says "maybe" we should break up. Then she lets me cry and beg and make a fool of myself for an hour! AN HOUR. And then instead of admitting what she'd done, she blames everything on me, bringing up all these miner things that made me feel so guilty. And she made me ashamed of one of the most traumatic parts of my life, my weird eating habits. I rememberd the way she said "I'm curious now" and it seemed so obvious to me. But it never occurred to me as she said it because I trusted her so, so much. And she could have told me in person when I visited her at school, but she didn't. Of course none of these things occurred to me in the two second delay before I forgave her. The only thing I thought was "Who the hell are you kidding? You know you can't stay mad at her." So I forgave her instantly. And she responded by being so completely unapologetic that it was amazing. I forgave her before she said she was sorry, and she never apologized to me. I had to demand an apology from her two days later. It's been two years now, and we're still together. I still love her, but I've never felt the same way about her again. I bounced back after our phone conversation where she tried to dump me, but I never bounced back after she admitted to kissing the other guy. For weeks I was angry at her, but I thought it would be forgotten. It hasn't. I can't forget it. I think of it constantly. The anger it gone, but it's been replaced by a sort of... emptiness. If this incident had never occurred, I honestly think we would be engaged right now, and that's partially why I think of it so much. I still love her, I really do, but not the way I used to. We haven't had any problems since then. We talk to each other on the phone 3 or 4 times a week, and get to see each other once or twice a month if not more. But emotionally, I'm at a standstill. I need to vent. I want to curse at her for it, and scream at her, and make her feel guilty, and make her beg me not to leave her the way she let me beg. But I can't because she's too fragile. She's one of those girls who begins to cry uncontrollably during the smallest of arguments. Her, her sister, and her mother all cry at the drop of a hat. And as much as I want to hurt her for what she did to me and the way she made me feel, I don't want to hurt her. I can't stand to hurt her, can't stand to see her cry... because I love her. I'm torn. If we had met later in life we'd be married already. I'm sure of it, we connect that much. We're like two sides of the same coin. As much as I know she's the one for me I couldn't think of marrying her now because of this one unresolved issue. The funny thing is right now I trust her. I don't even worry about her cheating on me. Right now. But would she still be faithful to me after years and years of marriage when she has other men flirting with her and telling her how beautful she is? I've thought of trying to have a civil conversation with her about it, but then I think I might just be bringing up old wounds from the past that should be left alone. Did I miss my opportunity to curse her out the way I should have so I could have moved on? Is the way I feel now my own fault, am I just being too insecure? How long until I finally forget it? I don't know, maybe posting this message will be enough. I wont know until I hit the "submit" button... (edited out $%^'s)
  20. Say, say you found true love. Instantly you knew, it was love and your meant to be together forever. Knew it. I know this to be true. It is a fact, and that's just what it is. A guy that just wanted to take care of you, and make you happy. So then you know all this, and you push them away, and not only do you push them, you crush them, you take away their belief system. How can they believe in true love after that? you take that away, you take away their sense that if they give there heart to a girl she won't take it and stomp on it. You take a sensitive nice guy and turn him into a mean person, that doesn't believe in anything. You take Mr. Nice guy and you go see how depressed he's been in the THREE YEARS since you've been gone. And you hear him say things like I haven't really laughed in so long. You hear him say things like he hasn't had a girlfriend at all since you left, and the only girl he ever really loved was you. Look into his eyes and see that as much as he doesn't want to, he still loves you. You listen to his friends say how much happier he is now that you are back in his life. You, the one that was so mean to him. So tell me, how do you forgive yourself for that???? How did he?? How does he even look at you? So he thinks I need to forgive myself. I can't and i won't, I don't want to forget how bad it feels to be this wrong or how much i regret the things I did. I feel like sometimes, the only time I'm calm is with him. How can we ever have a balnced relationship after all these things that went on?
  21. He filled her heart He filled her head He left a dream But she awoke To find emptiness To find pain She left him She left before she was left She found solace in the emptiness Now she feels nothing Now she sees nothing Now she wants nothing Nothing is safe Nothing is sane Nothing is filling How does she open her heart? How does she feel again? How does she forgive? She copes She gets by She finds a way…….
  22. Hello to everyone who is angry at someone. I want your advice... You see, I'm sick, but you don't realize how much hate I have... I'm tired of people kicking me to the curb... I mean people who treat me like, I dunno, like they're too good to talk to me, forgiving me for the stupidest little mistakes, etc. There's these couple of persons who have treated me very bad, and I'm sick of it, but I don't just want to get mad, I want to get even So, my question is, is there anyone who knows a really good way to get back at someone for something bad they've done (even if you did nothing to them)? I can't just leave this behind... I NEED to get back at them. Please, I hope this post is allowed, and I hope nobody posts anything like "Vengeance is not good"... I just need to do something, so this people learn that they can't just come and treat me like an object on which they can take their stress off on and then live like they can do it over and over again... Is there anything I can say to make them pay? PS: By the way, I'm not talking about like killing someone, but like messing something of their's up, and letting them know that I won't take it...
  23. My mother died from cancer when I was 8 leaving my angry, obsessively religious father to raise me and my brother. My father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to all of us. He never accepted me for who I was and he severely sheltered me from the real world. At 15 I started to rebel, smoked some pot, tried cigarettes, had sex, etc. because I'd been repressed for so long and could no longer deal with the way he treated me. I continued to rebel, crying out for attention, love, and support. Right around the time I turned 17 my father met and prepared to marry his fourth wife and decided that I was too much of a hassle to take care of anymore. He came down to my room one day, handed me a twenty dollar bill, and told me to pack whatever I could and be gone before the end of the day. Being so sheltered and unloved I was totally unprepared for the world out there. I had to leave school without graduating and ran off to the closest city (we lived in a fairly small town) and did the only thing I knew to do, got a job and kept that job. I was so emotionally damaged that I quickly became the victim of abusive boyfriends, drug and alcohol abuse, and homelessness. I felt empty, hurt, totally rejected, unloved, and scared most of the time. I let people and a lot of men rape, abuse, and use me and I continued on this destructive path for another 4 years because I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to. And the one person who was supposed to love me didn't; at least not unconditionally. I'm doing very well these days. I've worked my butt off to make my life better, to deal with the hurt, and to learn to love myself. But I'm still angry at my father. And I know that I probably made some bad decisions, but I did these things because I hurt so bad and I hurt so bad because of him so I still blame him for the horrible things I had to see and experience as a child, a teen, and an adult. I'm still so angry that when I needed my father the very most he sent me away. I want so badly to forgive him so I don't have to carry around this weight. I don't like being angry, I think it's a waste of time and energy, but I can't seem to shake this. I don't necessarily want a relationship with him, but I just need/want to forgive him and get rid of my anger. How do I stop being so angry? How do I forgive him?
  24. in the bars in the chains the rust smells like pain the water drips from the sealing upon my chained legs we are captured by the chains of our past lives they say forgive n forget but nothing lives like this as my skin begins to burn i am the captive of the dark sun.. and i am the evil one evil to those happy and those entranced in societys games they lock me up deep inside my cage i yell to god for he is supposively my savior yet, in his knowledge and power he withholds the key and i am left burning burning all alone..
  25. I'm 49 years old, and have been with my wife now for over 12 years married, 17 years total. 7 years ago, I had an affair with a woman I met in a chat room. At that time, my wife's mother was suffering from a series of strokes and her quality of life was slowly fading away to her eventual death. My wife would travel 6 hours to and from, every weekend to visit her in a nursing home, while I would be home with our son (he was 6-7 at the time). This went on for well over a year. My wife was a different person through this, she was stressed and angry and constantly worried for her Mom and eventually had to take time off work from stress (6 months). I tried very hard to hold everything together at home while she went through this hell. Looking back at things now I can see it affected me more than I thought. Our relationship suffered needless to say and thats when I cheated. It has never happened since, I have been a faithful, loving husband to her and a good step father to my step son. There isn't a day that passes when I don't think about this in my past. I am riddled with guilt and shame for my mistake and can't forgive myself for this and put it behind me. How do I move on from this? How can I rid myself of this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and forgive myself? I love her very much, she means everything to me. Your help would be very appreciated. Thanks.
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