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About Me

Mod Notes

  1. After a second date with a girl we went back to my place. I was drunk and she agreed to kiss. It got pretty confusing not too long after, though, because as we were making out, she seemed to be enjoying it. So I (happily) continued, and she quietly said "no." I got really confused, but continued making out. We then paused but I talked her into making out again. She then kissed me and we started kissing again but also quietly said "no" every now and again, which continued to confuse me immensely. She then stopped again, mentioned she had a boyfriend and left my place. We went for a walk after but did not talk about the situation, and when talking along the way she seemed happy to be with me and there was no tension whatsoever, but when saying goodbye she offered me a handshake but I hugged her instead. In hindsight I should have apologized during our conversation but since there was no tension and she didn't seem upset with me or bring up the situation and my intentions, I thought everything was okay. I followed up the next morning by sending her a good morning text with a couple of love heart emoji's maybe as a way of letting her know I wasn't just looking for sex, she read it but didn't respond. I didn't get the chance to apologize and I didn't want to leave the situation up in the air, of course, so some days after, I sent her two messages days apart saying along the lines of "Are you okay?", she didn't respond. I'd never been in a situation like this before, and in the past when I'm with a girl, she either gave me clear signals to proceed or else clear signals to stop. I really wasn't sure how to handle it, and I think I made my first mistake there. I continued kissing her and talked her into kissing again after she stopped. I think that if I had a chance to do this again, I'd just stop and ask outright for clarity on the situation before I either proceeded or stopped, but I suppose hindsight is 20/20. Instead, I continued making out with her. Eventually I asked if she wanted to just make out (implying no sex) and she very emphatically said "NO!" After she didn't read or respond to my texts, I sent a text apologizing that I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable but she never read it. I felt (and continue to feel) terrible about how badly I misread the situation. The conversation remained light the whole way before saying "good night." I started writing this post to ask the community if they feel there is any way to salvage the situation? I know I blew it since she ghosted me, but after a few months has past, maybe the unfavorable impression of how the night ended has subsided and she would be willing to hear or read my apology. Would it be better if I pick up the phone and call her to see whether she's interested in getting back to the way things were? In the meantime, I suppose I learned some lessons about making sure I'm reading the signals correctly, and asking for clarification when I get mixed messages. I suppose now the real reason I'm writing this up is just to get it off my chest, so that I can (hopefully) stop replaying my misstep in my head and just learn from my mistakes and move on. And if you're still reading at this point, I sincerely thank you for sticking with it! Now I just have to trust that things will work out however they're meant to, whether that means a reunion or that I'll never see this woman ever again.
  2. hey everyone well about halfway through last year i wanted 2 live with one of my 3 sisters because i wasnt happy with the area i was living in and i was really depressed. anway so they all gave me false hope and led me to believe it was ok to move with them then changed their mind. i never really opened up to them until i was led to believe i was getting out of here and then i started to. the funny thing is not one of them apologised for doing that. im not hurt at the fact i couldnt go but the fact they led me to believe i could and then burst my bubble. ive tried to tell them how much it hurt but they just said your only 16 and i dont want you 2 be my responsibility. the funny thing is if the situations were reversed id still take them in even after the pain they caused me. so basically i forgave them i dint 4get wat they did and accepted i got 2 more years in this hole. but now its 4th week of school and i get depressed for no reason sometimes but other times i feel fine all i want to know is does anyone know a way i can stop these random depressions. and how can i stop it
  3. I have been in a relationship for a little over a year now, and things are starting to get serious. My boyfriend has mentioned marriage here and there, and his family has asked when we're getting married. I care about him very much and would like to marry him, except I can't get over the fact that he was engaged about 4 years ago, and broke it off because he really didn't want to marry her (he was pressured by her). They kept in contact after the relationship ended until he and I met. He no longer answered her phone calls or her postings on his personal website, and when I posted a message, she went off at me, throwing personal insults at my credibility. She finally stopped calling after I personally told her to stop contacting him. He used to bring her up in conversation about a year ago, and it didn't bother me so much. When I think back now, I get really angry and start entering self- hatred mode. I hate him for thinking about her, talking about her, I even hate him for being stupid enough to almost marry her. I care for him very much but I can't bring myself to think about marriage. I can't forgive or forget. I've tried to at least forgive him, but it's nearly impossible. The more serious the relationship gets, the more I hate myself for not leaving a year ago. I just don't feel special, I feel like "sloppy seconds." Why would a guy become engaged to a girl he doesn't want to marry? Do you think I should let it go?
  4. I see you standing there with a blank look on your face, Like all the thing's we did together you just try to erase. I am thinking to myself on why I am still so alone, That when I walk around this house it is a empty home. I try to justify everything that you did and said to me, All the times we argued still nothing made you see. I feel deep within my heart love for you that wont go away, It is way down deep inside of me and that is where it will stay. Do you think that it is right that we are starting to talk again, I hope that everything will be ok and not like way back then. I know that they say forgive and forget things that happen to you, I just dont want to ever again go through what I went through. But still something makes me think about you each and everyday, Makes me feel like you never left me that you never went away. So mabe this is right or mabe I will find out it's wrong, But I always knew that my love for you was strong. So if I get heart broken again or you even hurt me, I will just know this time it was a mistake and once again fly free.
  5. My ex and I lived a dream for a while. I'd never seen a couple who loved each other as much as we seemed to... I had a sleeping disorder, which had a huge effect on my personality and our relationship. I became grumpy all the time with mood swings, depression, getting into arguments frequently, putting her down all the time. All these things are very unlike me. Neither of us at the time really understood that much of this was due to the disorder. She left me in March, saying she needed some time to figure out how she felt. She told me she wanted to be able to come back, but didn't know if she could. It made her cry to think that we might lose what we once had. We both knew how beautiful it was. I made the mistake of sometimes bringing up painful subjects in our conversations. I decided I wouldn't contact her for a while, because it seemed we both needed that. Three weeks later, I got an email from her expressing serious doubts. A week after that she said she wanted to make a clean break. She no longer wanted to make it work -- she just wanted to be done with it. She didn't think she could talk to me without experiencing intense pain. I could send her one email, she said, but no more. It was NOT what I expected. I was completely shocked. From 'I have no idea at all how I feel' to 'My heart tells me I can't be with you' all so suddenly? A week later, she SAID the memories didn't hurt anymore, she SAID that she no longer had doubts about leaving, and that she felt free. But she's the kind of person who doesn't always let on how she feels inside. It seemed like she no longer cared about me, that I was completely out of the picture, and after going through so much with her, I didn't understand how that was possible. Her friends told me she was really cynical and bitter, very unlike her. A few weeks later, she was more like her old self, clearly not missing me, but perhaps ready to listen... and I decided it was near time to send the email. I sent it last week after more than 2 months of NC. I tried to explain how much I really cared about her (without sounding at all desperate), and I told her about the sleeping disorder, and the effect that had on me. I told her I've had treatment and that I feel better than ever. No response yet. I was really hoping she would. When she doesn't respond, I kill myself trying to interpret what that means. Do you think maybe it takes some time for her to process this and figure out how she feels? A part of me fears this is going to have no influence on her whatsoever. I used to think she was a very forgiving and very understanding person. Now, maybe irrationally, I perceive her as cold, distanced, without any capacity to care for me, or even to react emotionally to my words. Is it possible that it won't matter to her when she finds out that my personality changes had nothing to do with her, but were the results of a medical problem? Is it possible, when there was so much love and passion, that not a spark of it remains? I sort of fear this is going to have no influence on her whatsoever. I used to think she was a very forgiving and very understanding person. Now, maybe irrationally, I perceive her as cold, distanced, without any capacity to care for me, or even to react emotionally to my words...
  6. I've posted 2 other things on here about how my bf and I had gotten in a huge fight last weekend and how I broke up with him while drunk (huge stupid mistake) and he wouldn't talk to me, return my calls or answer my emails. Well on Friday he finally signed back onto instant messenger and I was able to talk to him for awhile. He said he doesn't see me the same way anymore. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me. after I talked to him for awhile about that he was pretty much not talking to me much I asked him about regular stuff and he seemed to warm up to me a little but yesterday I talked to him online he told me not to call he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone or see me right now and yesterday he wasn't really willing to talk to me. He kept saying maybe I'm not ready to forgive you right now. and he keeps saying how it doesn't matter how much apologizing I do he doesn't care. I know if I saw him or talked to him on the phone he wouldn't be so angry with me but he's unwilling to do that it's like he wants to stay mad at me. and he wont answer me and let me know if we're together or if he wants to be with me anymore he just says I can't answer that or I dont know. I dont know what to do. I miss him so much and I tell him how I feel and he's like I don't care how you feel right now. It's frustrating What would you do?
  7. I have been with my bfriend for 1.5 years now. He is in his 30's, I am in my 20's. Anyways, our relationship has always been a little rocky, but when we are getting along, we have a great time. Lately though, a lot of issues have been coming up about his ex, his temper, etc. Just to give a little detail, when we met, he was honest and told me he had some issues that needed to be solved with his ex, but they would be wrapped up soon. To this day, he still emails her, I don't know how much though. Just about a month ago, he lied to me saying he was going to dinner with his guy friends, and I come to find out, he took his ex out for her bday. Then, when I confront him about his emailing her still, etc., he gets irate, and tells me I am obsessed with the ex thing. Im not, I just want him to be honest. He doesn't hang out with her anymore, and he swears to me they are 100% over in that way, he is just being supportive to her (through email) because she found out she has cancer. He says I am too young to understand, and I am handling this like a child. Anyways, he yells at me no matter who's fault it is, and when I saw an email two months ago from his ex saying "i miss u" and "thanks for being there for me," I confronted him and he lashed out at me. Anyways, the verbal abuse turned physical yesterday. I will not go into details why, but it was a misunderstanding on HIS part. He started yelling, then ripped my shirt. He pushed me very hard onto the floor, then when I got up to stop him, he hit me again. He would not let me explain, and when I tried, he threw me down again on the floor! I don't know why, but when he apologized, I forgave him! I am really in shock that he did this to me. This has never happened to me before, and I am just feeling so bad right now. Why do I want to forgive him, and why didn't i just say, "**** you," and leave him and not look back. I am so hurt right now. He has apologized, and feels awful, but still...
  8. I dont know if this topic has been discussed before,it probably has,but I havent been here long so forgive me if I'm starting it again I was just wandering around here and reading all these posts about women dieting and wanting to lose weight and being fat,that I just thought about it.I wonder why is it so important to be thin? I know being overweight is unhealthy but being skinny is too. I just hate the fact that society makes standards for how our bodies should be.And why have the standards change so much through the years? A century ago men liked women who were almost overweight.Havent you realized how those fine artists used to paint all these women? My bf told me a while ago: 'Until the 50's,most of the stars on tv were curvy,with nice legs and all,and then in the 60's it started to get all screwed up,peple started liking skinny women' LOL,well,he does not like skinny girls,thats why he said it like that,but then,isnt it true? Marilyn Monroe wasnt really thin,she was curvy if anything,and yet she was beautiful and men loved her! So what do you think about this topic?
  9. I can't take this crap anymore. Everyone I know has some sort of meaning to their life, and in some way or another it always splashes in my face to make my life seem more insignificant. I've tried for many girls, I've tried to make my parents proud of me, and I've tried to allow people to approve of me, and it's just all a waste of time. It's so fake. I'm so tired of trying to change myself. Trying to change my clothes, my hair, and even my own personality just so other people will like me better. Nothing works, and being myself has never worked out because people are retarded and don't know a good person when they meet one. I've acted generous, happy go luck, forgiving, and most of all, trusting, and have received nothing but a cold shoulder, and a dark demeanor. I'm so tired of people who call things "gay" because they do not share the same interest, or belief. I'm tired of people who announce their personal life on MSN just to attract attention. I know that is what I am doing right now on the board, I thought I'd sink low for once and try it. I have nothing else to do with my life now. I won't waste it, that shows weakness beyond forgiveness. I will stop trying to attract people, and I will allow my Ki to absorb others' energy. I'm sick.
  10. broke up with my bf of five months over two months ago. It was hard because I did'nt want to break up with him, I had to. Why? Because the guy who at first was crazy about me lost interest. That's what I think anyway, cos he just stopped wanting to c me and spend time with me. Anyway, it hurt. At first I just cried and was miserable. Then I got angry. Angry at how lightly he messed with my feelings, angry at how lightly he treated the break up, angry at how it did'nt care and was after and got with other girls very very soon after, angry at how he had changed from the guy I fell for. I texted my mate mate one day saying hi, how r u, the usual stuff and added 'Im over tom. He's turned into such a *beep*. I deserve better and Im not just being arogant.' I sent it to my mate & forgot about it, till....I got a message from tom saying 'I'm sorry I turned into a *beep*, good luck finding someone better, although it will be hard to find someone as mature as you. f*** you.' I then realised that somehow that message had been sent to Matt too. Either someone sent it or it sent in my bag - cruel twist of fate. I did not send it. I went to Tom immediately to apolize. I said I didnt send the message, that I did'nt mean it, I was just hurt and angry. He did'nt understand. He shouted and swore at me and then I eventually left after he just kept saying 'fine' to everything I said. I texted him saying sorry and later e-mailed him. He didnt reply. I saw him after a month, went to his room at uni, to say hi and he was awful to me. He was polite, like answered my questions (didnt ask any of his own) and just sat back in his chair with a smirk on his face. A smirk that made me feel worthless. His mates are ignroing me too. I just wonder why is he being so mean, why cant he ofrigve and forget? It was'nt such a big thing! I mean it sounds so petty, is so petty and were adults more or less! Do i deserve this treatment that makes me feel awful?
  11. Im in love with a woman 11 years older than I am, I never thought such a thing possible but I guess it is. She completes me, she is my everything. I have hurt her and I hope she can forgive me, truly forgive me for I do not know what I would do without her. When i talk to her I become a wave of happinessm however when I do not tlak to her for dats or weeks at a time I become secluded and unhappy well maybe not unhappy, perhaps content looking forward to the next time we can talk. She wants me to be with a girl closer to my own age, a girl I can be with but she can't seem to understand that she is waht I want, what I need. She is *****, she is 27 years old and she is the love of my life. All this may seem strange and coreny perhaps taken from a hollywood movie but it was not, this comes from the deepest depths of my heart which is filled with love of this perfect female. She has made mistakes in her life as have I but in the end it does not matter what either of us have done in the past but what we can do together in the future, what we, if she can accept me again, will do in the future, many will assume this coming from a 16 year old is blasphemy, how could I understand what love is, I say to those people that love holds no boundaries. All in the end it comes to one thing; I love ***** and to be with her would complete me and allow me to grow more then ever thought possible. For a man throwing his feelings out, it is one of the hardest things to do, for myself espically because every other time in my life I have shown and give my feelings of love I have been shutdown and shutout. However for this female she needs to know how I truly feel she needs to know without her I am lost. Some may consider me a fool, yes I am but I would much rather be a fool inlove then a fool with and empty heart. Look past the promise I broke to you *****. For I was confused about myself, who I was. I learned who I am and that is nothing and no one without you in my life You can say anything you want about me, sute ive done things that are messed up, obsessive even but it was all in effort to learn who I am as a person. Wanting to be with ***** does not make me obsessive for she does not control and enter my every thought she just makes me happy and isnt that all we want in life, to be happy My name is ***** and I love ***** with all my heart. Yes im young, i have plenty of chances to find love in my life but to those critics I ask you, Should I give up love just because of age or because I need to go out with more girls my own age, I cant stand girls my own age they plainly annoy me Should I give up love, Should anyone give up love for that matter. The true and real love that you feel when you meet a person that completes you as a person? Thats my moment for the night, tell me what ya think (am I nuts?, got something going for me?, all comments accepted
  12. This May will be my 4 year anniversary with my girlfriend. We met as juniors in high school, now we're juniors in college. We connected with each other instantly and shared first time sexual experiences and first love. Everything was perfect until we had to go to college. I stayed at home to attend a school in our city, but she went to a school that's a 4 hour drive away. We stayed together, and talked to each other very often on the phone. I missed not seeing her everyday, but I loved her and thought all was well. I was wrong. In february she cheated on me. This was two years ago. One night out of the blue she says she thinks we should break up. She said she was curious about seeing other people. I proceeded to cry like a baby and beg her not to leave me for the next hour. She cried as well, but I cried more. And oh god, how I begged. I told her how she was the only good thing in my life, please don't leave, me, I'm nothing without you, yada yada yada. Finally, she reluctantly (and I do mean reluctantly, I remember the tone in her voice) said "Ok, I'll stay with you." For another hour after that I pressed her for details on more reasons why she wanted to break up with me. Being the self conscious person that I am, I assumed everything was my fault. She agreed. Reason after reason after reason was given. Little things, and not so little things that I had done and failed to do to make her happy. I didn't tell her how beautiful she was anymore, she always had to call me and I never called her, etc. etc. It all made perfect sense at the time. Of course! I was an idiot and taking her for granted. She also said she wanted me to visit her up at her college, or vice versa, which also made perfect sense. But there were other things she said that were different. I come from a very dysfunctional family, and have two brothers that are high school drop outs and former drug dealers. I myself am an amazing anecdotal case for nature over nurture. I never did drugs, was an honors student in school, etc. But my girlfriend mentioned my family, and said she was afraid our family would be like that if we ever got married. Or, at the very least, she'd be ashamed to have my idiot brothers over for dinner, or our kids having bad cousins because of them. How the hell am I supposed to change that? But it made perfect sense! I was a total idiot for being born into a bad family, and should beg her forgiveness. Then, there was the low of the low. My eating. I could spend hours writing about it, so I'll try to keep it short. Ever since I was a baby, I've had an "eating disorder." EVERYONE thought something was wrong with me as an infant. They could hardly get me to eat anything. I wouldn't even drink milk. Despite the fact that everyone was convinced something was wrong with me, no one took me to a doctor about it. Instead, my father tried scare tactics and told me I would die before becoming a teenager because of the way I ate. I believed him until I was 8 years old, but felt powerless to change myself. Anything I ate that wasn't junk food tasted disgusting to me and made me sick. I endured years of being teased by other kids at lunch because of my eating. I never ate hot dogs or hamburgers. In hindsight with psychology classes I've taken, I think I suffered from generalized acquired taste aversion. You know when you eat something and it makes you sick, and from then on that food tastes bad to you even if there's nothing wrong with it? I think I was given a food as an infant that I had a bad experience with, and that was the start of my problem. My parents handled it very poorly and made things worse. My diet has since expanded, but is still quite limited compared to the average person. So my girlfriend brought up my eating. She was afraid I'd be a bad influence on our future children. You can't imagine how unbelievably guilty I felt when she said that, even if it didn't make much sense. I swore to try and change. Up until that point I thought our relationship was perfect, and her trying to dump me crushed that illusion. Even so, stange as it may sound, I loved her even more after that. I suppose it was the "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" effect. I tried a couple of new foods (ate my very first hamburger at age 21), and visited at her school the next weekend. All was well. Flash forward a week to us talking on the phone again. She starts a "hypothetical" conversation about cheating, and wether or not you should tell your girlfriend/boyfriend you've done it after the fact. I think I said it depends on the circumstances exactly, to which she asked "What if its just kissing?" "Then I'd have to tell you and hope you forgive me." "I have bad news." Only then did it finally hit me, right in the pit of my stomach. She had cheated on me. "Did you kiss someone else?" "Yes." Two seconds later. "I forgive you." I barely even hesitated. I forgave her immediately. That was a mistake. It turns out the real reason she tried to dump me was because she got drunk at some stupid frat party and ended up making out with a guy for 10 minutes. She says that's all that happened and I believe her. As cheating goes that's relatively miner, but it wasn't just the kissing, it was everything else. I could understand wanting to break up with me. It's a long distance relationship and maybe it wouldn't work. But instead of breaking up with me clean and just hanging up after making it very clear it's over, she says "maybe" we should break up. Then she lets me cry and beg and make a fool of myself for an hour! AN HOUR. And then instead of admitting what she'd done, she blames everything on me, bringing up all these miner things that made me feel so guilty. And she made me ashamed of one of the most traumatic parts of my life, my weird eating habits. I rememberd the way she said "I'm curious now" and it seemed so obvious to me. But it never occurred to me as she said it because I trusted her so, so much. And she could have told me in person when I visited her at school, but she didn't. Of course none of these things occurred to me in the two second delay before I forgave her. The only thing I thought was "Who the hell are you kidding? You know you can't stay mad at her." So I forgave her instantly. And she responded by being so completely unapologetic that it was amazing. I forgave her before she said she was sorry, and she never apologized to me. I had to demand an apology from her two days later. It's been two years now, and we're still together. I still love her, but I've never felt the same way about her again. I bounced back after our phone conversation where she tried to dump me, but I never bounced back after she admitted to kissing the other guy. For weeks I was angry at her, but I thought it would be forgotten. It hasn't. I can't forget it. I think of it constantly. The anger it gone, but it's been replaced by a sort of... emptiness. If this incident had never occurred, I honestly think we would be engaged right now, and that's partially why I think of it so much. I still love her, I really do, but not the way I used to. We haven't had any problems since then. We talk to each other on the phone 3 or 4 times a week, and get to see each other once or twice a month if not more. But emotionally, I'm at a standstill. I need to vent. I want to curse at her for it, and scream at her, and make her feel guilty, and make her beg me not to leave her the way she let me beg. But I can't because she's too fragile. She's one of those girls who begins to cry uncontrollably during the smallest of arguments. Her, her sister, and her mother all cry at the drop of a hat. And as much as I want to hurt her for what she did to me and the way she made me feel, I don't want to hurt her. I can't stand to hurt her, can't stand to see her cry... because I love her. I'm torn. If we had met later in life we'd be married already. I'm sure of it, we connect that much. We're like two sides of the same coin. As much as I know she's the one for me I couldn't think of marrying her now because of this one unresolved issue. The funny thing is right now I trust her. I don't even worry about her cheating on me. Right now. But would she still be faithful to me after years and years of marriage when she has other men flirting with her and telling her how beautful she is? I've thought of trying to have a civil conversation with her about it, but then I think I might just be bringing up old wounds from the past that should be left alone. Did I miss my opportunity to curse her out the way I should have so I could have moved on? Is the way I feel now my own fault, am I just being too insecure? How long until I finally forget it? I don't know, maybe posting this message will be enough. I wont know until I hit the "submit" button... (edited out $%^'s)
  13. Say, say you found true love. Instantly you knew, it was love and your meant to be together forever. Knew it. I know this to be true. It is a fact, and that's just what it is. A guy that just wanted to take care of you, and make you happy. So then you know all this, and you push them away, and not only do you push them, you crush them, you take away their belief system. How can they believe in true love after that? you take that away, you take away their sense that if they give there heart to a girl she won't take it and stomp on it. You take a sensitive nice guy and turn him into a mean person, that doesn't believe in anything. You take Mr. Nice guy and you go see how depressed he's been in the THREE YEARS since you've been gone. And you hear him say things like I haven't really laughed in so long. You hear him say things like he hasn't had a girlfriend at all since you left, and the only girl he ever really loved was you. Look into his eyes and see that as much as he doesn't want to, he still loves you. You listen to his friends say how much happier he is now that you are back in his life. You, the one that was so mean to him. So tell me, how do you forgive yourself for that???? How did he?? How does he even look at you? So he thinks I need to forgive myself. I can't and i won't, I don't want to forget how bad it feels to be this wrong or how much i regret the things I did. I feel like sometimes, the only time I'm calm is with him. How can we ever have a balnced relationship after all these things that went on?
  14. He filled her heart He filled her head He left a dream But she awoke To find emptiness To find pain She left him She left before she was left She found solace in the emptiness Now she feels nothing Now she sees nothing Now she wants nothing Nothing is safe Nothing is sane Nothing is filling How does she open her heart? How does she feel again? How does she forgive? She copes She gets by She finds a way…….
  15. Hello to everyone who is angry at someone. I want your advice... You see, I'm sick, but you don't realize how much hate I have... I'm tired of people kicking me to the curb... I mean people who treat me like, I dunno, like they're too good to talk to me, forgiving me for the stupidest little mistakes, etc. There's these couple of persons who have treated me very bad, and I'm sick of it, but I don't just want to get mad, I want to get even So, my question is, is there anyone who knows a really good way to get back at someone for something bad they've done (even if you did nothing to them)? I can't just leave this behind... I NEED to get back at them. Please, I hope this post is allowed, and I hope nobody posts anything like "Vengeance is not good"... I just need to do something, so this people learn that they can't just come and treat me like an object on which they can take their stress off on and then live like they can do it over and over again... Is there anything I can say to make them pay? PS: By the way, I'm not talking about like killing someone, but like messing something of their's up, and letting them know that I won't take it...
  16. My mother died from cancer when I was 8 leaving my angry, obsessively religious father to raise me and my brother. My father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to all of us. He never accepted me for who I was and he severely sheltered me from the real world. At 15 I started to rebel, smoked some pot, tried cigarettes, had sex, etc. because I'd been repressed for so long and could no longer deal with the way he treated me. I continued to rebel, crying out for attention, love, and support. Right around the time I turned 17 my father met and prepared to marry his fourth wife and decided that I was too much of a hassle to take care of anymore. He came down to my room one day, handed me a twenty dollar bill, and told me to pack whatever I could and be gone before the end of the day. Being so sheltered and unloved I was totally unprepared for the world out there. I had to leave school without graduating and ran off to the closest city (we lived in a fairly small town) and did the only thing I knew to do, got a job and kept that job. I was so emotionally damaged that I quickly became the victim of abusive boyfriends, drug and alcohol abuse, and homelessness. I felt empty, hurt, totally rejected, unloved, and scared most of the time. I let people and a lot of men rape, abuse, and use me and I continued on this destructive path for another 4 years because I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to. And the one person who was supposed to love me didn't; at least not unconditionally. I'm doing very well these days. I've worked my butt off to make my life better, to deal with the hurt, and to learn to love myself. But I'm still angry at my father. And I know that I probably made some bad decisions, but I did these things because I hurt so bad and I hurt so bad because of him so I still blame him for the horrible things I had to see and experience as a child, a teen, and an adult. I'm still so angry that when I needed my father the very most he sent me away. I want so badly to forgive him so I don't have to carry around this weight. I don't like being angry, I think it's a waste of time and energy, but I can't seem to shake this. I don't necessarily want a relationship with him, but I just need/want to forgive him and get rid of my anger. How do I stop being so angry? How do I forgive him?
  17. in the bars in the chains the rust smells like pain the water drips from the sealing upon my chained legs we are captured by the chains of our past lives they say forgive n forget but nothing lives like this as my skin begins to burn i am the captive of the dark sun.. and i am the evil one evil to those happy and those entranced in societys games they lock me up deep inside my cage i yell to god for he is supposively my savior yet, in his knowledge and power he withholds the key and i am left burning burning all alone..
  18. I'm 49 years old, and have been with my wife now for over 12 years married, 17 years total. 7 years ago, I had an affair with a woman I met in a chat room. At that time, my wife's mother was suffering from a series of strokes and her quality of life was slowly fading away to her eventual death. My wife would travel 6 hours to and from, every weekend to visit her in a nursing home, while I would be home with our son (he was 6-7 at the time). This went on for well over a year. My wife was a different person through this, she was stressed and angry and constantly worried for her Mom and eventually had to take time off work from stress (6 months). I tried very hard to hold everything together at home while she went through this hell. Looking back at things now I can see it affected me more than I thought. Our relationship suffered needless to say and thats when I cheated. It has never happened since, I have been a faithful, loving husband to her and a good step father to my step son. There isn't a day that passes when I don't think about this in my past. I am riddled with guilt and shame for my mistake and can't forgive myself for this and put it behind me. How do I move on from this? How can I rid myself of this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and forgive myself? I love her very much, she means everything to me. Your help would be very appreciated. Thanks.
  19. I hope I'm not breaking any rules in posting a new topic... Here's the background- Well, he's mad... he found out I'm dating. I put in my blog that "I got another date" and he doesn't sound too happy for me He doesn't know that it's just an old friend and we're going to a movie. I did email him last night, it simply stated that I forgave him for the hurt he caused my daughter, and I forgave myself for allowing it to happen. In our emails I told him that was the only beef I had with him, and that in time it will be forgiven. Well, I was sick of hurting from it, even though my daughter still grieves his loss... so I forgave him. I thought maybe it would give him some closure because I know he doesn't want us to hurt anymore. He responded last night to that email that he didn't know if he should be reading into that (me forgiving him) and that he was glad that all was forgiven. I haven't responded to it yet. I mean, I meant what I said when I sent it... nothing more. Then at noon today he wrote that he "made the mistake of checking my blog" to figure out what my forgiveness email was about... and this- " I assumed since you sent me the link, that there wouldn't be anything in there that I really wouldn't want to see. Thanks a million. I don't think I'm justified in being an unhappy camper, or what my point is in telling you." I don't get it... I thought he wanted me to get over him? I haven't replied to any of those emails and I don't know if I should or not... prolly a mistake to send anything about finally totally forgiving him in the first place. SOS HELP! Should I keep my mouth shut or what? ...I do want him back but I've accepted that it won't happen.. ugh, I'm so confused!
  20. link removed I still am not over the situation....everyone says to move on, but the threats still hang over my head...HE doesn't forgive me for telling HER....SHE has never responded to me/forgiven me...HE has recently reminded me that he can still ruin me.
  21. Hello, How are you? I haven't been on the forum for so long…I guess I was trying to make sense of things and move on on my own. I got the book you (Muneca) advised me, shortly after my ex came back in town to get his car and his stuff and didn't call me, telling every one that he can't yet see me and he's planning to call in a few years hoping we will be friends…I was fuming. believe me…this coward told his father that he will call the day he no longer thinks of me and doesn't love me. To his friends, he said, if he calls I'll go psycho on him and his family. What the hell did he want for me anyway? Was he excepting a bouquet filled with roses? He didn't even have the courage to here me yell considering the fact that he just took off on me after 4 years! The book " Why men love b****es" made me realize that trough out our relationship I was the hard to get girl, but then at the end, maybe the last year, I became the "Nice girl" who did cook the four course meal, and gave him unconditional love. I was there for him no matter what. A part of me was so mothering to him, mostly because I knew he was starting to miss his family a lot and I know their influence on him were growing, thereforeeee I was trying hard, to keep him happy and he did see that he had a hold on me. In fact, now I remember that a few days before he called me to tell me he was no longer coming back, I had send him a letter opening up to him and telling him how without him there's no point! While he was gone I had come up with that Idea that without him I could not live and I told him this. It took me a while to open up to him and after 4 years of him trying and when I totally did he ran away. A part of me sees now, how the fact that I was so available and nice to him, made him think that he had me and lost his passion for me, because he was ended able to leave me! Regardless of what he says, and how he still tells pple he loves me, he ended didn't have that unconditional love I did give him and that I was looking for. I just started the book and I am loving it. But my question is, what if you became that nice girl and he lives you and u can't show you are a hard to get now to him…I know it doesn't matter but u know what I mean… how do u prove to him without having any contact that you don't care about him? How can you make him regret his acts? Does the guy who dated the nice girl, misses that person at one point or another? Can a guy just forget his first love? My ex loved me since he was 13 years old, we started dating later on in our lives but he wanted me since the day he first saw me… now at 23 years old girl that I am, I'm trying to learn from this experience but my case seems to e unique! I did not call or ran after him when he came here, I went down, I really did, but kept my dignity…. In fact I was dying to go and see him, to get my answers, but I kept telling myself, u don't need answers, you don't need a closure, he left you and that's all you need to know, doesn't matter why and how, he left me…thereforeeee let him be! I still think of him, I still miss him. But I came o realize what I truly feel. First I thought of him as dead when he was here back in Toronto (from Los Angeles to get his things- he was here for one week, went out with his buddies and all!) When he was here I feltmore rage and anger than ever, mainly because a part of m was hoping , he'll seek forgiveness, not to get me back, but because he left me in such a terrible way… I wanted him to seek this so I could move on. I need to forgive in order to move on, that's just who I a. But when he didn't, it made me hate him. I wanted this guys so much bad. Like he had kill the man Ionced loved and he had somehow gotten into his body. I was looking at him as the murderer of my lover. I hated him so much and hating him was killing me. Now I still look at him as a guy I no longer know and as a person I truly hate, but I still miss who he was, how he was with me, his companionship, l love and everything, because e it's so hard to cross four years…… I still want him to regret it, not in the sense I want him back, but regret how he did it! Will he ever? How can he – when he will never see me again? When he doesn't talk to me? Does he still think of me, A part of me knows that he is trying to delete me form his life, I know it's not easy for him, but he made a decision and sticking to it and very hard trying to not see me because he doesn't want to feel a doubt again! But god who am I to know what the hell he thinks! Here am I blabbing about my life again…not even knowing what I want or what I am looking for, I guess advices, inputs…..anything But I did realize that this break up will not kill me, but still want him to regret it how? Thanks to every body again and again
  22. I've already begun celebrating my birthday, although it isn't until 2/7/04. On Sunday a man that I am interested invited me to a party. I went to the party alone then decided to call some friends.....Make a long story short. I ended up getting completely inebriated (Bud Light and 1800 Tequila). There weren't many people at the party but probably enough for them to remember how drunk, loud obnoxious and awful I behaved. I didn't swing from the chandelier or expose myself but I was pretty close...I haven't talked to the guy that threw the party since that night, but the friends that took me home told me some provocative things that I said to a few people that I have NO recollection of. I want to call the guy that invited me to the party and apologize to him for the things I said and the way that I behaved....I just let out a loud sigh as I sit here with my face in my hands as I think about that night. OmG I feel awful about it what can I do or say to him that will mend our friendship??? I hate that I got so drunk. I'm a social drink not a binge drinker!
  23. Hi everyone, I started seeing a guy exactly 6 months ago. However, just 2 days ago he admitted that six weeks into our relationship he had a one night stand. I had suspected this for a while but he always denied it. He said it didn't mean anything and at that stage he was unsure of having such a full-on relationship with me. However, since then, he has developed a committed relationship with me and this is why he had lied to me about it - because he didn't want to lose me. Needless to say, I am very hurt and my self esteem has taken a dive. However, I love him and would very much like to believe it would never happen again (given that it happened early on in our relationship). Is it possible to forgive an act like this? I am 26 and he is 37 so I thought he would know better being that little bit older. Should I stay with him and try to put this behind us? Or is it a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm really confused about what I should do. Thanks everyone. [/code]
  24. I did a mean thing. I wrote the guy I really like a mean email. I lost my head that day. My famiy sometimes puts a lot of pressure on me. Epecally my mom, she suffers from depression. Everyday I have to hear mean comments from her. Well one day. I was having a really bad day. I did the worst thing. I wrote him an email. I will never forgive myself. He was perfect, someone I can show my grandparents (the most important people in my life). Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. My life stinks, he was the only person who brightened up my day. i loved hearing his voice very day on the phone. He was the only person who treated me nice. all I get around here is a headace. My house everyone treats me like there slave. I have to do the housework, no one can get anything for themselfs. I hate this. I should get over him, but my days are very lonely. I live in a small town. He was the only person in a very long time who wanted to be with me. Help me get over him. I wish he would forgive me, but he wont. I'm so depressed. [/b]
  25. Some of you guys know my story, so bear with me. After a rather acrimonious break-up, my ex and I couldn't get along with each other. Lord knows I tried, but to be truly honest, she was the hostile one. She always made it a point to make me uncomfortable. Like all bullies, I think sometimes she did it because she knew she could. I was quite hurt by her, but I tried to take the high road. I respected her distance and did not go out of my way to try to win her back. I did try to remain friends though (but more on that later). May be she was hurt too, but she made up for it by doing what she usually does, become some kind of robot from hell (push button, laugh on cue, push button work and only work, push button get angry, push...become Stepford woman...etc. etc.). She was very cold to me and at times very cruel. I found out one day that she was being posted overseas. I knew I would probably never she her again so I offered my hand to friendship and to let bygones be bygones. I asked if she would like to get a cup of coffee, and she did something that really showed her true character. She first said yes to my offer. But then later, when I called to set the time, she said "ahh, no" all the while gritting her teeth and saying "what's the point". She said it wasn't that she was angry but that she just didn't care anymore. I thought about it and realized that she said yes only because our mutual friend was nearby and she didn't want to sound like a jerk around him. But with me, the gloves were off. There were subtle but really cruel things like that which showed me that her character and her internal nature are rotten, that her outward personna is fake and a show. Anyway, she came in to visit me just now. She sat down and said, that she knew a rapproachment wouldn't be worth it because of the way she was and the way I was (?????) But that she didn't want to leave here with bad memories to mar the happy times here (?????). And so she decided to let it go (?????) She knew she didn't have much time here so she wanted to leave it at that. And then she shook my hand like we were sealing some business deal. You know, she is something else. I feel insulted by this. At first, I thought she was doing this to let bygones be bygones. But then she said specifically she didn't want a rapproachment, she just wanted to let it go, that she didn't want the bad memories of us to spoil her happy memories????? Huh????? Now I think she did it just to spite me. First of all, what was there to let go when all the while she was telling me that she wasn't angry, that nothing matters, that she didn't care in the first place, etc. etc. It's like coming to me was just one more thing on her "To Do" list before taking off (hmm lets see, buy boxes, pay last rent, insult former lover, buy last roll of toilet paper....). If she didn't want a rapproachment what the hell was the conversation for, to soothe her soul???? What selfishness. When I heard she was leaving, I made an honest attempt to extend my hand and she spit on it. Now that we get closer to her leaving she comes out and gives me this kind of crap! Man am I steamed! This girl is truly a piece of work. When I tried to extend my hand to friendship, she threw it away. At that time I was remined of a saying "if you can't forgive someone, then no one wil forgive you." I guess I have two choices. I can decide to never forgive her and hope that others will feel the same (to fufill the saying). Or I can decide to forgive her because I don't want to be like her. I want to be forgiven by others in the future for the things I have or will do. I'm at that crossroads. I think I reached a point with her that I wish she could go straight to hell, but then I shouldn't think those thoughts. I need to be a better person. Anyway, bon voyage and heaven help anyone you touch in your life. They need to be strong and forgiving. My ex, you've played around before and hurt others before me (by your own admission). You hurt me like no other person has. It is a pattern you need to recognize and correct. Do this, or else your true nature will be discovered soon by all. I forgive you. I will still extend my hand if you have the desire to hold it. Peace.
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