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About Me

  1. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  2. My name is Rob, I'm 38 years old and live in NY. I'm incredibly sad due to my fiance leaving me, which was on November 9th, one month prior, my mother passed away from lung cancer. I was her caretaker. During this time prior and and after my mothers death I was very emotionally unavailable to my fiance, and couldn't give her the love and affection she deserved. I came home to find her gone, with our pet rabbit, yet all of her belonging were still there, her jewelery, family photos, diarys, and all of her clothing, her engagement ring. Amazon packages she had ordered are still arriving. Her whole life is still in the house. I found out the next day and found out she quit her job of 10 years which she recently got a raise. I spoke to her parent both of whom loved me and they cried and said they couldn't stop her....she moved down to her sisters in north carolina. When I finally spoke to her the following day she told me I had not given her the love that she needed, and I understood apologized that I was not capable with the grief I was in from my mother's death, and that I would immediately get the help I need for my depression, which I have immediatly done and began seeing a Dr. I love her more than anything in this world and I intended to make her the number one woman in my life and have a family with her. She seemed stoic and cold while we were on the phone and told me she needed time and space. The last we spoke was Saturday and today is Tuesday. We were together for 4 years and I am heartbroken and she seems to be starting a new life in north carolina living with her sisters family
  3. He discontinued his dialysis Friday. I am going to say goodbye tomorrow. I am.... broken.
  4. Hi, First I am not here to talk about my story (I babbled enough about that in Personal Growth) But I am interested in other people's experiences in Good byes. Not so much to someone who is dying. But rather people in our lives who are leaving forever one way or the other. If you gave one someone a special goodbye, How did it make you feel? If you recieved it How did it make you feel . For reasons I do not want to get in here. I had to say goodbye forever to someone who I will always feel was a blessing in my life. (I am repeating that part of my story for the readers of this forum) I wanted to cover every aspect I could think of because I was never going to have a chance, First, She saw my eyes watering and asked me to stop. I said I needed to continue and asked her if I could (She said okay but if she said No I would have stopped) First I gave her a blank journal because she once told me she wanted to be a writer, I wrote stuff in it to inspire her like Hi I am your journal use me for anything but I think you can write great things, I told her that I thought I was supposed to be a blessing in my life but I have learned you were the blessing in mine. I then took 3 ribbons 2 Blue One pink and I said I know this is only symbolic but I am not going to be around if and when these things happen, I said the blue and pink are for if you have a baby boy and girl someday and the other blue ribbon was for is she needed something blue if she married one day. Finally I gave her a pen that I had engraved with a bunch of letters. I told her it was an acronym prayer and that each letter was the first letter in the word, I asked her if she could guess, She told me she knew the first letters which was her initials, So then I told her the rest was May Jesus Bless You Love You and Keep You, and then we hugged and that was it, ......................Now was that too much? Maybe but on the other hand I could not let this person leave my life without letting her know in my own way How much God putting her as a blessing in my life (There was a time I had decided not to do the whole goodbye but something happened that changed my mind that I will cover in my other forum at some point) 2. It helped me to let go with the exception of a little bump I went through and got over with the help of the wonderful people on this site because I forgot something in the goodbye), I also hope it helped her in some way and if nothing else maybe give her a memory that although was sad will make her smile someday if she ever thinks back on it. As I said I am not looking for advice. But please I am in your opinions and goodbye stories
  5. Hello! My husband of almost 40 years died almost a year and a half ago. Does anybody else have feelings of guilt, for just being alive???
  6. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
  7. So I've been dating this guy for a few months now. He's amazing, a good listener, thoughtful, caring and always tries his best to be there for me. He's very understanding too. We're both really introverted and try to be open with each other. But sometimes I feel like he acts too...unrealistic. His ideals seem very naive and I hate how childish he can be about our relationship at times. I mean, it's hella adorable that you think we're forever and till death do us part and stuff, but I'm the practical kind who doesn't want to indulge in such thoughts without any certainty. Am I overthinking it or is he a little too carried away with what we have here?
  8. I’m a heterosexual male and I have a gf who I’m very close too. I enjoy anal stimulation and my girl friend has done it for me. It started of as just anal but now I get these crazy dreams where I am dressed as a female (sometimes) giving oral and engaging in same sex anal. I have urges to want to do more than what she can give me. does that make me gay. Even though I love her to death and want a future with kids and her. What might the dreams mean? What should I do?
  9. Hi all, it’s been about 2 weeks since me and my boyfriend broke up. Was a 6 month relationship, but I really thought this could be the one.. after a few heartbreaks and non-starters in my early-mid 30s. We broke up because of his recurrent feelings of doubt he has in relationships, and his inconsistency and inability to truly “throw himself into” it. He was in counselling for all this (and had started this counselling months before we met), and he was trying to work through it- so I was hopeful he could get past it. He had said I was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time etc. I'd met his family and friends etc. But it became too painful and unhealthy for me to stay. His inconsistency and feeling him pulling away was damaging my self esteem- which is already very fragile. He’s a kind, good man- and was never defensive with me when I tried to talk to him about “us”. So it’s hard for me to just write him off as a selfish narcissist etc. He wasn’t. The break up is hurting me so much. He didn’t fight for me. Which says it all really. But to make matters worse, it’s not a typical breakup (I guess no-ones feels typical)... two days after we split up he found out that his ex (ie the one before me, not me!) took her own life earlier the same week. Uuughh. Horrific situation for all. Messed up situation. The self centred hurting part of me can’t handle this. He has said in an email that this death is totally overwhelming him and he can’t think of anything else. He has acknowledged it’s totally overshadowing our break up. And I hate admitting it.. but I feel totally sidelined. Like this is now “what he is getting over” and that I’ve been wiped out/forgotten like I never existed. I’m ashamed to have these feelings in the circumstances.. but I feel like a complete “nothing”. Uuughh. I’m trying to get over him, meanwhile he is getting over his previous ex whose just died. She was his most significant ex before he met me, and they had broken up 18 months before we met. I got a missed call from him last Friday - which i thought was odd (was the last thing he would do really).. and it turned out to be a mistake.. a 'pocket dial'...and on the day of his ex's funeral. Ouch. Another punch in the face. I have sent him a couple of supportive messages. But i'm having to go 'no contact' now- its too painful. The craving for external validation from him that I meant something to him is so strong right now. I feel totally worthless/nothing/insignificant/invisible/forgotten. I know I need to work from within to heal, but it's f*cking hard right now.. Any advice welcome! :)
  10. My ex and I broke up 5 years ago, on terms that weren't terrible but she seemed very upset and a bit angry. We had a shared cat which shared our lives for 4 years. I had to put the cat down 2 days ago (and I am shattered about it, he was 18 years old ). I was wondering if it would be a good idea to reach out to her in a gentle way (we haven't been in touch at all since we broke up) just to say hello and inform her of the cat's passing? Or should I just let it be since we have been out of touch for so long? I know this is in part due to my rollercoaster emotions and I may be desperate to reach out to everyone since that helps me cope. But I thought she deserves to know. Should I reach out or let sleeping dogs lie? Thanks for any advice.
  11. i'm almost shaking too much to ... to type this.. i don't .. want to die.. but it's killing me to live like this.. i ... i can't live without my mikey. i can't live with everybody.. hating me... because i can't do any thing. i can't be with them, i can't be without them.. i can't even cut myself right now.. this knife's too dull... and i.. i don't want to.. but i dont' know what else to do.. please.. tell.. me .. what to do.. i'm sorry... i've... calmed down some now.. whew..... ok.... but when you're rocking back and forth, whispering to no one in particular, "dream with me baby" and begging, ..... you know there's something wrong with your head. heh. as for my m... heh. as for that guy. he... i supposedly spoiled his plans for seeing me, because my parents are butt holes, and won't let me see anyone from anywhere. that and this part i didn't tell him, i can't see him yet because i haven't had that ... weird.. "sexual reassignment" crap done yet. so... yeah. he got mad, because i can't go visiting him and whatever, i spoiled his plans. me. my fault. i'm trying to ... fix my body, i'm bleeding for him (yes, i'm a cutter, i'm not going to say it any prettier.) i'm crying for him, i'm doing everything i can to speed up the whole change process, and... he... frack. i'm just... blown away. he's mad at me. the only one i've ever loved so hard, so... much. and he just.. walks away. just tosses it away. for what? nothing. i'm sure he's just as hurt, but he doesn't understand ...why. i'm just.. at a loss as to where to go from here. i was living day to day based on him. when i'd see him next, what i'd do, where i'd go.. what i'd do after high school... i changed my entire life plan around just for him. i suppose this is heard here often, but i'm not used to it. i've only had one other bf before (both online.. yeah, real stable.) and.. he just left one day and never came back. so... that was a kick in the pants, let me tell you this. i just.. don't know what to do. i honestly felt like dying. still do, but with much MUCH more sarcasm. man... i just need some help with.... how to... deal with this garbage. and i dont' mean "breakup advice" because that's not where i want this to go.
  12. I have recently broken up with my girlfriend I now wake up and observe who I have become, and I don't like it. I'm quieter, more stuck up, less friendly, less interesting. I prefer the person I used to be. I feel like she has drained the life out of me... Anywayz... here I awake, this much more quiet person, less sociable, feeling pretty much dead and lonely. So how do I become again who I was, the louder and amusing entertainer? I've lost touch with many friends and those I have not lost touch with are mostly too busy. So how do I make new friends again, get that feeling of being completely free and return to that lovable, seducing and charming person I used to be, who always had too many parties to go to at once, a plan or three for the night and would be the person you would call when you wanted to have some fun? I want to love myself again... -
  13. SHALLOW GRAVE I was five and fully alive when i took a dive. The big plunge Blown in the winds like a crisp, faded autmn leaf being destroyed by bitter hands Cupped full of knives and daggers. Snowball, snowfall lands on my un-twitching features. My dead skin. My dead cells That ceased breathing long ago. Unfound I have endured blistering hells to reach my final place Here Among the dying leaves
  14. Commercial Reception Nothing but lies In your minds Turn off the cable And you'll be able To see reality twisted You shouldn't have listened Media deception And commercial reception Death, destruction from lies Cut illusion and ties Corporate profits on the rise The masses watch their demise Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth Media lies, there is no truth.
  15. As many of you know, recently bad stuff has been going on. You can check my older posts, but i've had a friends house burn down, another friends mom diagnost with cancer, it goes on. And evrey time it's felt like yet another kick between the legs. Today, I found out that not only did my cousins dog die, but much more sadly, a friend of my best friend, I sort of knew died today. There was surgery complications on his shoulder, and he died of a blood clot. I know everyone has down points in their lives, i feel really weaek right now. I'm running on 4 hours sleep, a little food and a lot of bad news. How do you guys go on in times of your lives that feel like your just down and out? I just need more words of encouragment to help me get up in the morning. Jimbo
  16. feedback welcome Nuclear Holocaust Nuclear holocaust raining from above Destroying everything without hate or love Living dead walk the earth Without thought and without worth Radiation poisoning Will be in full swing! For no reason you all will die All human kind will likely fry.
  17. Im already dead I cant breathe within My lungs collapse, and I fall out I promise you But I could never hold without You said it would never end Life within is a matter of betrayal Its when you figure out that your soul has die That your depression fades from the lie You don't care You don't mind When you fail Its just another damn day So let me die on my own terms I don't care its just for fun Let the blood run.. Im already dead
  18. hello friends i have a problem but i really don't know my self anymore . yhea i took med's like zolof and stuff like that and yes i know it stops working after 9 mnt's to a year i know this i have been up and down this road befor, just don't know were i stand on things am i a lost soul i wander about that or did my soul die and i didn't know . i wants said that me and death are the same we are empty . just a void . idon't worry about were i end up. did i lose my soul when i lost my faith? but i don't know what it is going to take to make it here. do i still believe in him yes i know some that don't just can't find my place in this world . everyone is good at something so whats my excuse. just drag my feet throw life . i so want to change don't know maybe i stopped careing or maybe what im good at is getting my self in a bigger mess the anyone els can. lol i may not be a smart man or the best looking defantly am not the luckiest. but some time's i feel like i am there are a few that i call friend . and there is one that i call my love . i just wish that someone can help befor i lose my mind but aging thats nothing new this may seem like the diary of a mad man . but trust me im seeing clearly maybe you just don't see that. so i await your jugdement your friend hardcore :scramble:
  19. How could you do this to me putting me through so much now i am dazed and confused lost and out of touch when you cut yourself i bleed to death and i forsake you and scream i hate you with my dying breath i take your promises and wrap them around me to hide within from the darkness that i live in that surrounds me but they all turn to lies and your friendly words to snakes like a fragile mirror my spirit like which breaks you say it was your last time you've thrown away that fateful knife but too deep did you slice slowing taking my life like rain the drops of red love hits the floor cold, trickling down from my wrist racing these blood stained tears to the ground praying to cease to exist i am far derranged and mentally unsure your solution is a disease but to you its viewed as a cure to hurt yourself kills me inside i do it too to make the pain subside but we need to stop it now controls us from our minds i have stopped for you but you, a reason couldnt find my life lay on the floor in shambles puddles of life flood the ground your red fluid now not mine killing me without a sound if you really cared you would stop or at least try you said you would but like "i love you" it was just another lie if you want to hurt me feel free to i dont want to be happy anymore so in the dark both of us bleeding lifeless, bleeding on the floor and when it be done those who care truly mourn and they have un justified scars beleiving we died with scorn but its the circle of life and the circle of death from the first cut to the final breath thank you for taking my life together forever,until our dying day leaving a lasting mark together forever, until we fade away -stitches aka The Antihero what do you guys think?
  20. Ok, here's the deal. I went out with this girl from school a week and a half ago. Her and I really hit it off and at the end of the first date, we kissed. This was on a Friday. Well, that weekend, there was a death in her family and for several days, I gave her her space to deal with the emotional trauma. She called me the following Wednesday and everything was back on track. Since I go to school with her, we went out Thursday night, had a blast, and at the end of the night, we hugged and she actually made the move to kiss me. On Friday, we had lunch together, had a blast with lots of interesting conversation, and at the end of the "lunch date", I leaned over and kissed her. Her and her family did a car wash thing this past weekend to raise money so she was pretty much busy her whole weekend. I last spoke to her on Saturday morning, just to say hi. I tried calling her Sunday night, got her voicemail, so i left a message. Since the services for the death in the family was Monday and Tuesday, I didn't call, nor did I expect her to call. Well, it's Wednesday now and I tried calling her a while ago and i got her voicemail again. I left her a message again asking her to call me. Now, my question here is, should I be freaking out because I've gotten her voicemail the past two phone calls? I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is really busy and can't talk, but in the back of my mind, I kind of have this feeling that she is avoiding me. Should I not be feeling this way? I really miss her and just hearing her voice right now would make me feel a lot better. I don't want to blow up her phone by calling her like crazy or anything, but I was going to try calling her again tonight before going to bed. Can someone please give me some feedback, especially the ladies off this forum?
  21. you never know how hard it is just to come clean ask and i will tell my trip to hell is over now just tring to set thing's rigth once aging so i wrote this poem to help.more like a short story here i am but a simple man wanting to be more than. failed at life . failed at trust. faild at love. failed at death. there's no rock to crawl under no river deep enogth to wash away the blood on my hands. like a soider on the battel fild i sit with my hands at my knee's . opened beging god please. looking but never no one there to ansewer my pley. how much can on take alot . alot more then the heart can bear alone. pepole look and smile and say once in a while . thigs get better so i say to them where was he when i needed him. whit fury in my eyes and in my heart . where was the promise of life . for along time i sat awake pondering such things. never befor in my life have i ever felt so ashamed . as i am broken in two . maybe you can say you know my pain but i say to you we are not the same. shure we feel the hurt of a knife tearing throw are flesh. as we all do are dance with death. can i tell you something from along time ago. there was but a littel boy . in a small town of needmore. lived in one of the oldest house to be found. no not a good thing it would seem. have you ever seen the other side . the side hidden from most pepoles eyes. there are thing's in the nigth. this boy once woke to see standing befor him and on one knee. maybe it will go away if only i pull the cover's over my head he said in fear . but it has never gone far from here. but this boy was not the only one to see such a sigth. for fear gripped this house tonigth. as a cold clamy hand set forth a boy screeming like a lame . out in to the forgoten land . into the nigth he found him self all alone . with no home to go to . shhh whats that he says to him self as something comes close. with a blad in his hand like a sith and fire in his eyes speeking a thousend toungs come come. so the boy clamed in fear legs they are frozen in fear. as the souls of the lost screem from hell. just beneath his breath i have come to take you to a place far far away from here. befor he could say where he was allready there . but a angel wisperd in the one who came ear. save this one for another day . hope you all like this short story or poem don't know what i was really tring to say most of it is about me but thats for you to judgenot me hardcore ligth 8)
  22. Okay, I have this acquaintance that I've got to know for only a few days last year. He's going to pass on in 3 months. I don't know how to face it. I don't know what to say when you know that someone's days are numbered. I feel so torn. LAst year, I faced my granny's death. I don't know how to face this!! How do you face someone you know,talking to him as usual when you know he's not going to be there in 3 month's time. He doesn't even live near to me. There's nothing I can do... I need advise. I'm broken and torn.
  23. It's a pretty dumb question because it can't be answered, bu still. Life sucks! I have thought about commitng suicide since I was 12. I started geting depressions when I was 16 and havn't had real friends since and girlfriends is only sometihng others have. My father is insane, he tried to commit suicide when I was still a baby and gets pills to stay away from bad thoughts. My fathers father hang him self soon before I got born and more in my family has bad mental problems. It has not been found out why we feel like we do and that sucks. Pain that you can't explain. I cut my self, hits the wall, listen to sad music, drown my pain and thoughts in alcohol. Bla bla bla. I whine and have a lot of selfpitty. Life really sucks, so why is it so hard to end it? Because I am standing in greyzone. Life also gives me good things like the beauty of sunsets, Jazz and blues. I don't believe that a shrink can help me. What I need is some good friends, a girlfriend and some drugs to keep the dark clouds away, because they always ruin everything. I think of death as peace. When you are dead you don't excist any more. By the way, if you have never excisted, can you then be dead? I don't expect life to be easy, but I don't understand why life has to be that painfull, that lonely, just that way. Why?
  24. 1 year since my grandfather died and he was my last one. i wasn't close to him or anything i just miss him and since he died everything is changing.He died of lung cancer i guess all those years of smoking got up with him.every minute i just feel like crying.and here at home i feel so alone.and none of my friends are on to talk to i wanna walk upstairs and look myself in my room and never come out.so i thought i would tell everyone here how i feel instead of telling people who probably would never understand.
  25. ok....yesterday my dad and I got into a huge argument and I told him I wish he would have a heart attack, 10 minutes later thats exactly what happened he had one, my brother called 911, and he is now in the hospital, they have to do open heart surgery on him, plus he is a diabetic, and he was ill to begin with, I keep thinking I caused all this to happen, because these past few months I caused him hell....and im so sorry for it all, I realize I was being self centered, all I cared about was myself. What if my dad dies? What am I going to do? I cant live without my daddy, im only 15. Please everyone pray for my dad, his name is Karl, and just pray that he will get better, I will so appreciate it. If my dad makes it I promise I will be good.....im so scared
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