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About Me

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  1. So I went to the hospital at 2:30 AM. They gave me a 30mg shot of Toradol. That only reduced it a bit. They sent me home. I took 2 Tylenol 1 and got in bed at 5:45. I woke up before 7:30 screaming in pain. My husband took me back to the hospital. This time it was another dr. He said he is sure I have Trigeminal Neuralgia and gave me another shot of Toradol 60mg. He gave me 200 mg of carbamazepine . I have to take 400 mg a day. It is an anti seizure medication that will relax the nerve. And he have me hydromorhone 2 mg for pain. They have me lined up to see a specialist. Sorry I am not making much sense I am taking 2 medications which make you very very sleepy and confused.
  2. Ok all... this is a story I wrote mostly in my down time at work. I have all these characters that I've developed in my head over the years. Some of them are inspired by people I know in real life, others aren't. But lately I've been writing a lot about them interacting with each other in different ways. I know a few people read the story I posted last week about a 12 year old girl named Kimberly in a Psychiatrist's office waiting room. ( ) Well, the guy she was talking to is Kristian from this story. This is all part of a longer, story. I just want some feedback on this scene. I wanted to practice writing in third person omniscient point of view. It's not a POV I have much experience with. Please be brutally honest in your replies. If it sucks, tell me, but be constructive and tell me why. I love a good critique. Please feel free to rip me to pieces on this one is you feel it's necessary. I know it needs a lot of work. I'm pretty sure I fixed all the spelling/grammar/typing errors, but I apologize if I missed any. Also, I'm pretty sure I edited out all the cuss words. If I missed any, hopefully I won't get an infraction. ************************************ Val stood with her back to him, pouring water from a pitcher. Her long hair was down, flowing to her waist. It was that hair that first attracted him. She had come home from work happy today. Just minutes earlier she was laughing, telling him what some old man had said to her. He stood timidly, on the other side of the kitchen. He knew she didn't have much time before she had to go to work at her other job. As she turned around to face him he became aware of his own anxiety. He had already started to shake. "Val" he said softly. "Yea?" she smiled back at him. "I..." he stumbled over his words for a second, then took a deep breath, "I think we should break up." Her jaw dropped and the smile that had been on her face was replaced with an expression of bewilderment. She stood perfectly still, holding the glass of water. "Why? What is it now?" He looked down at the floor, unable to handle the site of her face right now, "It's nothing you did. And it's not that I don't love you." He was choking up, which made it hard to speak. "I just don't want you to suffer anymore." Her shock was replaced with anger, and her stillness with sudden movement. She sat her glass down on the counter, so hard that water splashed out of it. "I don't ing believe this." She stormed passed him and down the stairs. He followed. He didn't see her in the TV room, so he turned sharply into the bedroom, where she was pulling several articles of clothing out of the dresser and tossing them in a laundry basket. "What are you doing?" "What's it look like?" she gave a small sarcastic laugh, "I'm packing my and getting the hell out of here!" "Come on Val', please don't leave like this. I'm doing this for your own good." "I can't keep doing this Kristian. All this ing drama all the time. And just when I think it's all calmed down you pull something else. Why the hell can't you make up your mind?" As she was speaking she entered the bathroom and came out holding her toothbrush. "It's not that I can't make up my mind. My mind is made up. I can't keep hurting you." He took a few steps toward her and put his arms loosely around her waist. She noted the pallid look in his blue eyes and wondered if he was thinking straight. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be." "Get your hands off me!" she snapped, backing up. "You're asking me to not make this harder. Wow..." she shook her head in disbelief and continued adding things to her basket. She picked up the basket and charged past him, out of their bedroom and back up the stairs. He followed. "You don't have to leave." he called to her. "I'll leave." When he reached the top of the stairs he saw Tim coming in the door from work. Great, he thought, wondering if Tim was going to ignore this conflict or get in the middle of it. Neither would surprise him. "You know what kills me about this?" Val's loud voice interrupted his thought pattern. He didn't say anything. He stood at the top of the stairs waiting for her to finish. She was in front of him now, her green eyes full of fire and tears. "Five *beep*ing years! I supported you when you lost your job. And when you tried yo kill yourself I--" he voice faltered for a second as she choked back a determined sob. She took a deep breath, "When you tried to kill yourself I was at the hospital every ing day. And now that you've gotten help you're just dumping me!" He didn't have anything to say for himself. Tears were burning in his own eyes now and all he wanted to do was grab her and hold her. He noticed that Tim had left the room, thankfully. She picked up the basket of clothes from the chair where she had left it and pushed her way past him, back down the stairs. He followed again. He saw her go into the bedroom. He planned to follow her and try to speak to her rationally. But when he reached the bottom of the stairs she slammed the door shut. He could hear her crying from the other side of the door. He stood for a long moment, staring at the door, thinking what a mess he'd made of things this time. Eventually he heard muffled speech coming from inside the bedroom. "Hi Brenda, it's Val." ... "Hey, I'm really sorry to do this to you, but I can't come in tonight." ... "Just some at home I have to deal with." ... "You can get someone to cover for me right?" He felt awful. He knew how much she had called off from work when he was in the hospital. She was lucky to have such an understanding boss. "Alright, bye." He waited a half a minute or so and slowly opened the door. She was curled up on the bed, her red hair hiding her face like a funeral shroud. He walked accross the floor to the bed and touched her hair lightly. "Can we at least talk about this?" "I can't do this right now." she sniffled, "I'm too upset." "Do you think this is easy for me?", he said, "I don't want to lose you but I can't handle seeing you suffer anymore." "That should be my choice, not yours." She was still laying with her back to him, curled up. Her body was shaking. "Val, I'm sorry, I--" "Just get out." she said, "You said I could stay." He stood up slowly. She didn't turn to face him as he left the room. He felt nauseous as he left the bedroom and began climbing the stairs. The room seemed to be spinning. There was a trash can that Tim kept at the top of the stairs in the atrium. When he reached the top of the stairs he sat clumsily, grabbed it, and puked in it. Tim came into the atrium to see what was the matter. He watched, not knowing what to do. He entered the kitchen and grabbed a paper towel. He walked into the atrium and handed it to his friend. Tim had never been good at this sort of thing and had no idea what to say. Finally he spoke, "What'd you do this time?" Kristian looked up at him and rolled his eyes while wiping his mouth. He then stood swiftly and walked out the door, slamming it behind him. Tim stood for a second, "What the *beep* just happened here?" he thought to himself. The smell of vomit hit his nostrils. He immediately opened the door and sat the trash can outside. Kristian could take care of it later. It was his mess, after all. And Tim had cleaned up plenty of his messes over the years. Downstairs Val was still laying on the bed. The tears had stopped. She tried to convince herself that she'd cried herself dry and wouldn't cry anymore over him. But she knew deep down that wasn't true. She reminded herself that mental illness was not a get out of jail free card. She remembered all the times she defended his strange behavior, because "He can't help it. He's sick." But, she also helped him through every rough patch over the years. When her thoughts landed on the day he attempted suicide she felt a tug deep within her and her eyes began to burn again. No. She thought, I won't think about that right now. She stood up and walked into the bathroom. Her face in the mirror was haunting and ominous in the dim light. She flipped on the light and immediately noticed the redness in her eyes, and the stark, dark circles beneath them. Five years, she thought, everything he put her through, for nothing. She quickly grabbed her brush and ran it through her long red hair. She noticed all the blond hairs entangled in the brush with her own hair. He used this brush also. She turned on the cold water and splashed some on her face, then patted it dry with a towel. Her cell phone was on the table by the bed. She picked it up and dialed a familiar number. "Hello." the voice on the other end said. "Kali?" Val said, "Can you come over?" Kristian was two blocks from the house before he even gave a thought to where he was going. Alan's house was the most logical choice, even though Jay lived closer. He felt weak and anxious. He felt in the right pocket of his jeans and was so relieved he had his phone. How awkward would it have been to go back to the house after it? He called Alan. No answer. Figures. But he decided to head to the house anyway in hopes that Alan would be there with his ringer turned off. The taste of vomit was still lingering in his mouth. He tried not to think about that, among other things. For the last five years she was one of the few constants in his life. She really did keep him going for a long time. He wondered if she knew how grateful he was... how grateful he would always be. She slept in the hospital room for five nights in a row when he was in the ICU after his suicide attempt. Unfortunately he was too out of it to notice. Morphine mixed with who really knows what else made those days a haze. He had vague recollections of bright lights, nurses, and pain... but he didn't remember much else. Then came the psych ward... He was held there on an involuntary hold. He was considered a threat to himself and to others. He found it mildly amusing... how they could label him a threat while having no idea what he'd been through. All the hallucinations... white dogs, delusions, how did any of that make him a danger? He had never been a violent person. He was a danger to those around him in other ways. He knew this. The emotional pain he had caused Val alone could rival anyone in jail for domestic violence. His multiple assaults on her may have never left a single bruise, but the scars would never fully heal. His phone vibrated suddenly in his pocket, startling him out of his grim thought pattern. It was Alan, "Hello." "Hey bro, what'd you need?" He brushed long hair from his face as he spoke, "I need a place to sleep tonight." "Why? What happened?" "Val and I split up." "Again? Why?" He took a deep breath, "Because I'm crazy." Tim heard a car in the driveway, followed by footsteps on the porch and a light knock on the back door. He rounded the corner into the atrium and saw Kali standing outside, a bag in each hand. "Hey." he said, opening the door. "Hi." she said, stepping inside. "Is she downstairs?" "Yeah." "I got wine, Ben & Jerry's and scary movies." she smiled, holding up both bags. "I'm sure she'll appreciate that." "So do you think it's really over this time?" "Don't know." he said, scratching his head, "I don't know all the details." "He's a good guy and all, but he's a little bit nuts. Don't you think?" "Well he can't really help it. No one chooses to be nuts." "Yea but he keeps choosing to hurt my friend." she roles her eyes. "Maybe." She turned and headed down the stairs. It was getting dark when Kristian got to Alan's place. Alan had a Guinness ready for him when he went inside. "So what happened man?" he asked, concerned. Kali and Val had already killed a whole bottle of red Moscato and were on the second bottle. Tim could hear their voices and occasional laughter downstairs in the tv room. He debated on going down there and hanging out with them but figured it was a bad idea. He had to show some level of neutrality here, out of respect. They were both close friends. He had no idea where Kristian was, if he was coming back tonight or coming back at all for that matter. As much as he wanted to be loyal, he couldn't help but feel like a certain darkness and negativity were gone from the house. At least for now.
  3. About a week ago I got this little idea in my head and expect this to be a couple paragraphs of petic jibberish... But what came out of it was an actual story. People who know me well on here may have already seen it. But for those who hanve't, I thought I would share. This is only a first draft... I think there might be some grammar errors still, so sorry about that. She slept beside me... the diesel engine roaring beneath us. Her head was leaned back, face tilted ever so slightly toward me, one hand resting flat on the shirt I bought her... "You didn't have to do that." she said when I handed it to her. I turned the radio down... The Rolling Stones had been singing Paint It Black just seconds earlier... and now there was only silence. Neil Peart's drum solo made me wish I'd done more with my life... I wished a lot of things... One thing was that I would have pursued her when I had the chance. That was so long ago, nearly a decade. And here we were now, alone in my truck, driving down the highway in darkness. I glanced at her again... She looked, in some ways, like a sleeping child. Long tendrils of hair blew softly around her face, brushing her lips and closed eyes. My own long hair in my face annoyed me, but hers I found fascinating... it blew around her almost like smoke... The light made her skin look whiter than paper... and her lips appeared almost purple. She moved a little and my eyes suddenly were back on the road. I would need to stop soon, the fuel was getting low... Three exits ahead there would be a gas station. Slowly the inevitable happened... My eyes found their way back to her face. I wondered if she would notice if I touched her just once. I wrestled the idea in my head. What if she opened her eyes and caught me? Would she be embarrassed? Infuriated? Or maybe even intrigued...? I had a feeling she would wake up at the gas station. It had to be now or never. I slowly extended my hand, careful not to make too sudden a movement. There was a growing sense of anticipation in the second before I grazed her cheek with the tip of my index finger, and then again with the knuckle... Strands of her hair grabbed at my hand like tentacles in some Lovecraftian horror tale. Her skin was like warm, soft marble. Oh, was it hard to pull my hand away. I wanted to pull off to the side of the road and hit the brakes... and then tell her everything. I could see the gas station off in the distance, getting larger with every second. I slowed down to pull in, out of consideration for her. My efforts went in vain... The truck suddenly jerked and bounced over a bump, and laughter filled the air, the kind of high pitched, feminine laughter that could either be cute or annoying depending on the situation. At that particular moment, it was cute. I had seen this happen before... One other time she was startled awake and reacted with laughter. "You alright?" I asked, smiling at her. "Oh... yea I was just..." she giggled a little more, "I was just dreaming something really strange." "In a good way or a bad way?" "Neither... just in a weird way." the last of the laughter made it's way out of her... What was a dam bursting forth was now only a trickle. "You were there." She added. "I was ?" "Yea... in my dream." She brushed long strands of hair from her face... the same strands of hair that had been grabbing at my hand just moments ago. "I hope it wasn't a bad dream." I said, turning off the engine. My truck felt so small next to the three semis that were parked there. I heard the metallic clink of her undoing her seatbelt, followed by the door opening. "I'll be right back, I have to piss." For a second I considered telling her to be careful. You never know who could be lurking behind those semi trailers. I stopped myself... She’s an adult. I stood alone... gas pump in one hand... I remembered her face, twisted in agony just two weeks ago, when she got the news. I heard the crunching sound of gravel under tires, and her car barreled up the driveway... The slamming door and the rattle of keys, fallowed by panicked feet on the hard wood floor. I met her in the kitchen doorway, she spun around to face me, her hazel eyes bright with tears... “Where is he?” she asked... I felt like ice water had been poured down my throat... I told her what hospital they took him to. And just as quick as she came in, she was gone. “Hey!” a deep male voice jerked me from the memory and back to reality. He was walking frantically toward me. “Hey Bud.” he addressed me once again. I looked up but didn’t say anything. “‘Scuse me. I’m trying to get home to Cincinnati and I don’t have any money. Do you have any spare change?” He slurred. I handed him a dollar. He stumbled a little while taking it, and I caught a faint odor of Whiskey. “Oh, thank you sir. Jesus Loves you.” I nodded and told him “You’re welcome.” while silently wondering what Jesus thought of people who lie about being stranded in strange cities, just to get money to buy booze. Even at well after midnight, it was still so hot. I swiped my card at the pump, and became aware suddenly, of my own thirst. I made my way tiredly around the semis, toward the bright yellow and red store front. She was coming out right as I reached the door. “I need some water. Do you want anything?” “I think I could use a water too.” she said, digging in her pockets. I put out my hand in a kind of ‘stop that’ gesture. “I got it.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” I said, and touched her hand. Our hands lingered in that position for less than a second. But I took the feeling of that skin with me as she walked off toward the truck. The memory of that day fought it’s way back into my head as I wandered under those fluorescent lights. I still could see the image, as plain as day, in my mind, of her in the driveway, face buried in the starting wheel, body heaving with sobs. I knew she needed to let it out. But at the same time I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked to the car and knocked on the window. She looked up at me through the glass and wiped her bloodshot eyes. Neither of us said a word. She seemed to be moving in slow motion while getting out of the car. And she felt so helpless when I took her in my arms. Since then, she spent almost every spare minute at the hospital. Tonight was her first escape since then. She told me she was putting the tickets up on ebay because she didn’t want to go without him. But he insisted on her going, even if it was with me. There were only a few moments during the concert that he wasn’t lingering in the back of my mind, one of them being Neil’s drum solo. And at the beginning of the 2112 Overture, when she screamed with excitement and grabbed me by the arm. A shot of electricity went through my entire body, and all I could think about was kissing her. I didn’t think of him then either. There was wrong... then there was wrong... then there was this. Walking out the door, two cold water bottles in my hands, I suddenly felt a vague echo of shame. As I approached the truck, I heard a familiar voice, a drunk slurring voice, attempting to be suave. “So, you like coming here to hang out with the truckers?” “That’s not why I’m here.” I heard her say nervously as I walked around the corner. She stood up against the truck, arms folded, looking down at the ground. And there was that drunk, standing over her with a hungry, horrifying look in his wild eyes. “Hey.” I called to him, “Get the hell away from her.” “I wasn’t doing nothing!” he defended. “Go spend your dollar and leave us alone.” I warned him. He cowered and slunk away. “You alright?” “Yea... He just scared me, that’s all. The truck doors were locked. He came out of nowhere.” “I’m sorry... I didn’t think to unlock the doors.” I unlocked the passenger side door with the keys and brushed my hand accross her back as she climbed up inside. “I wonder if he thought I was a truck stop hooker?” She said when we were back on the highway. “Why would he think that?” “I don’t know... because he was drunk.” She gave a little laugh “Not like he could have afforded me if I was.” “What was he going to pay you with? The dollar I gave him?” We both laughed briefly, and then were silent for a long time after. Suddenly she said, “Did you think about him tonight?” “Yea... Almost the whole time we were there.” “Me too.” I saw one single tear on her cheek, captured and lit up by the moonlight. “It’ll be alright.” I assured her. But I had no way of knowing. Twenty minutes passed before she was asleep again. She stirred in her sleep and curled herself up on the seat. The position looked uncomfortable, but she was too exhausted to care. And her head found it’s way onto my shoulder. I looked down at that face... the eyelashes so long they almost looked un natural. I kept one hand on the wheel, and put the other arm around her, brushing a wisp of hair out of her eyes. She gave a small sigh, and stirred a little. Her hair smelled vaguely like cinnamon. I kissed her forehead and cradled her against me, rubbing the top of her head. I wondered what strange dreams she was having, and if I was in them with her.
  4. As Shane Koyczan would say... "The failing use of my right hand, is not actually the failing use of my right hand." I forget to make love to myself due to the fact my hand is cramped from writing, or typing. Here's a little diddy I wrote, that I don't want to go overlooked like almost all of my other work that I refuse to share... Enjoy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just Right -------------------------------------------------------------------------- These flashing lights amongst the pale spring night, I am wondering when everything ceased to be just right. There was an accident, a profoundly tragic incident. The victims involved were you and I. Now they're just waiting to see if we die with entrails around thighs... Looking at each other like lovers do for the first time, as if enjoying one final glass of wine; not remembering that stop sign... I mouth the words I love you. Luckily for us this might not be where our story ends, but the beginning of amends. As I lay there on my deathbed wishing for just one more chance, to tell you of romance. I’m brought into a trance. Back to the day I first looked upon your skin, your lips so fine and thin, wearing a suitable smile showing off their symmetry and revealing no denial. Your body language talking to me as if I was an Egyptian praising the red sea for the bountiful fish, I knew you were quite a dish... A real sexy plate of alfredo, daring me to say no. As I take my first glimpse of those eyes... The eyes that must have been equivalent to Shakespeare’s own Juliet’s, not glancing at me quite yet. No, not Juliet, I am looking upon divinity’s creation. What does she possibly see in me? When you finally looked my way, I did anything but stray. Those emerald beams now and forever will haunt each dream… Never in my life would I imagine blue and green so aligned, fixated on sharing a love divine, not just waiting in line for a chance to shine. You brushed your hair to the left, framing your face ever so picturesque; a portrait that would fixate a gaze through any haze, beyond metaphor or compare. Your hair defined the lines I would follow which would defy any stop sign, a curvaceous frame which already had well deserved fame, yet completely tame. I knew I was meant to be with this dame. You continued smiling my way, as if you were a child at play in the silky Alberta hay... You finally found the courage to speak; tightening this ship’s sail’s on a voyage that this boy wished was never ending. I will never forget this first word, like the first touch in foreplay... You said, “Hey”, as I walk over with a coy grin, an obvious ploy begins. Just then reverie escapes me, brought back to this reality. Surrounded by white, perhaps a light? I already knew something wasn’t quite right, was it still that night? I hear voices in the distance, and struggle to open my eyes for an instant. Surrounded by white, * * * * is it bright… I caught glimpse of the tiles far better suited to a bargain bin, with their power to erase smiles. As much as I wished for dissonance within this never ending consonance, I knew where I was. A place I knew where I would long to see your face, as much as I probably looked completely in disgrace… I was in the hospital. I couldn’t get you off of my mind, I attempted to shift and felt a grind. I scream in agony without the slightest hope of propriety. I hear rapid footsteps, and the sound of keys clashing… Thinking, “Probably the nurses dropping their purses”, I somehow grinned, although it felt thinned. “Are you awake, sir?” I groan, “Yes”, in recognition. I somehow knew I should have never inserted the key into the ignition… The injuries I sustained were being described, as I lay in distant disdain, looking at my own blood stain. I interrupt abruptly, “Where is my pearl, the girl?” I ask; a question that should have never escaped my lips. The news of your passing is forever relapsing. My body now mended, my heart forever torn asunder… I plunder into the depths of demise, misery apparent in my eyes. I refuse to believe this is where our story ends, unable to make amends. The fight that night… This is when everything ceased to be just right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Jason Strauss I'd make a terrible author, I can only write things I personally like when I'm under the weather... Misery loves art, as I always say; or company.
  5. It could go in a few different places. I have a friend. I have known her for almost 2 years. She has cancer. She is so careful that she doesn't want to worry anyone that she doesn't even say what she has exactly. She has been in the hospital for the last 6 months. They flew her out of the United States to be in a hospital near her family in Japan. Anyway, she's only 23. The last time I have any word from her was on July 4th. She said that... 1. She has not taken a single painkiller even thought she writhes in pain some nights and grabs the doctor's arm screaming "DRUGS* and (as she puts it 'foaming at the mouth') 2. She hasn't been sick.. no coughs or colds, for the last two years and that the chemo kills everything... She can't send contact out until October or, possibly, November. I don't have anyway to contact her at all. Those that have tried to contact her have been ignored.. so there's no news. I know I haven't "lost" someone.. and I know that she's not an actual family member nor a significant other and that many people have gone through much worse themselves. I'm just sad that I see her as that ultimate optimist... holding her pain inside... sharing only what is beautiful and that, in the end... no one may ever hear from her again. It's been bothering me over the past couple months and getting steadily worse and, frankly, I haven't been around this situation except now... Hmm.. maybe there is nothing I can do... I am just sad tonight.. have been for the last few weeks. It has been building and there is no way to vent it... it's so weird, because I haven't actually experienced the loss I guess? I don't know.. there are many more closer to her. I just admire her strength so much.. her willfulness to engage in the beauty of every single little thing she sees and, also, the heart to try and spare others her pain.. all the time... wishing there was somehting I could say... what do you say? Well.. Like I said, it's been eating at me and really getting to me as time has progressed... getting worse actually. I want to pull myself out of this funk. No one who is going through something like this would ever want someone else to be pulled down too. Why am I so affected? Does venting help, in and of itself? Perhaps. Feel free to move the thread...
  6. About a month ago I had this very scary dream that worms were crawling under my skin and it felt very real. I was walking out of a big prom-like party of some sort and was dressed up nicely walking towards my limo by myself and I looked down and saw bumps all over my arms that were moving. I looked closer and tiny holes were in the bumps. I realized they were worms crawling under my skin and I tried to pick one out of the hole but just as I got close to pulling it out, it shot back into my arm. The dream was so intense that I actually woke up panicky. A couple weeks later I had the same dream again except I was in a bathroom talking to an unfamiliar person and there was something crawling under my skin. This time it was a beetle and whenever I tried to run out and go to the hospital, things kept blocking my way so I couldn't leave. These dreams really disturbed me so I went to talk to a psychic. She said that maybe people in my life weren't my true friends, but that didn't seem to make much sense. Then the other day my mom woke up and told me she had a dream of worms crawling under her skin. The weird thing was, it was EXACTLY like the dream I had, where she would go to pull one out and they shot back into her arm. I told her about how I dreamt of worms crawling under my skin but not about them shooting back into my arm so I got this weird eerie feeling when she told me that. I was just wondering if anyone knows what this dream could possibly mean and why my mom would have the same one???
  7. i've been having somewhat of a stressful week.. meaning more stressful than usual. i can sometimes take somebody calling me the wrong gender, or just.. -assuming- i'm straight.. or both the wrong gender and gay, making it wrong all over again.. i hate it when i finally find the perfect binding, or.. it works, anyways. most of the time. pinches a bit by my arms, but hey. as long as it looks alright, right? i'm walking around with this binding.. proper clothes.. i look in the mirror.. regular teenaged boy. normal. happy. then that old geezer comes into the store i work at.. "OH!! IT'S MY GREEN HAIRED LADY!!" as i just sort of.. *twitch* "I'm.. NOT a LADY... and I'm most definitely NOT YOURS.." but he doesn't get it. no. because he's an old geezer from the mental hospital. nevermind he understands everything else. > then i started grade 12 this year. oo joy. everyone else finds it a bit stressful, but for me? oh.. it's definitely double. homework.. no problem. i can work a little more. studying? probably should start. stop falling asleep in school.. sleep at home. 6 hours won't cut it. make my own lunches.. because i don't have the money to buy them, despite having a job. no weekends, because i have a job. normal teenager, right? oh.. but it gets better. i can't go to the proper washrooms, because.. all these people around me know me. they see me as a girl. no idea why, they just.. do. i don't dress like a girl.. i don't -act- like a girl.. why.. if i were a girl, i think i'd like to make the effort to look pretty! i can't stand it when girls are like "don't call me a girl.. but i'm not a boy. i just don't like being a girly-girl. they're dummies. i have a brain." that has -NOTHING- to do with your gender. that's your BRAIN.. smart women can still wear sexy skirts and shiny pumps. professional women that make a good living all on their own.. can still wear a push up bra and put up their hair. wear makeup. it's... not always necessary, but come on. if you -can- make yourself look attractive, why not do it? instead of dressing like a tomboy (or a lesbian, as people seem to think they're all just tomboys, which is.. stupid.) then complaining you don't have a boyfriend.. suck it up. guys want sexy women as their girlfriends. not a .. liberated female that pretends she's a guy with boobs. that's... not.. attractive. if i were a woman, i'd go all out. i'd look like a fashion plate every day, because.. i could. but no.. because of all these men with boobs, they think "oh. there goes a lesbian, or a tomboy. man is she ever ugly. she looks like a guy." um... YEAH. BECAUSE I -AM- A GUY. "no offense, but you.. look 'mannish'" .. oh. well -thanks- somebody finally noticed i'm not binding because it's FUN. but anyways. back on track. i've already gone to the hospital before because i couldn't go into the proper washroom.. and had absolutely no wish to wait in line with a bunch of stupid men with boobs that have nothing better to do than to stand around in a washroom and talk. it's like.. the meeting place. the.. gross, stinky meeting place.. where you can listen to your girlfriends tinkle and giggle because it's so gross... no. i'm not going back there. you can't make me. so i use the proper washroom.. i.. have to sneak in there, and sneak out.. because if any biological guys see me, they'll beat the living daylights out of me. oo yes. i've always wanted to come home with a black eye and assorted cuts and bruises. no, seriously. and on top of washrooms.. i have this lovely little note that i can show anyone just in case any problems arise.. "please don't be mean to this tranny. treat him like any other guy so he doesn't CRACK LIKE A PEANUT UNDER PRESSURE. signed, evil doctor man." i didn't want all the wrong pronouns in class, right? because nothing irks me more than somebody talking about me and saying she, her, she, her, she, and hers all in the saaaame sentence. oo. i could eat. my. desk. and it'd taste good, too. way better than the wrong pronouns. i showed my teacher my special letter. and he goes "oh. thank you for your honesty." and yay. i have.. -one- person convinced. now for the other 700 or so in this little school.. many of which just won't listen when i tell them. and that's just at school. ... if you haven't noticed by now, i'm.. ftm. but after a whole day.. of all this, on top of my best friend who i love like a daughter (i'm messed up. lol) telling me that she cut herself. -AGAIN- ... and a little girl getting all up in my face over a teensy little kick in the pants to her brother.. who's my other best friend.. who i wouldn't actually kick unless i was getting paid for it.. and paid well. ok. on top of all that. i get all happy because yay, i get to go to the support group i've only gone to once.. to sit with people like me, who understand the pain, the agony, the maltreatment. the.. sheer humiliation. of being the runaway circus freak among audience members. only to find, when we get there.. an hour's drive, that i had to pay the gas for, when it's not even my car (understandable.) that.. it was on tuesday. not friday. so i sit there.. hitting my head against the window.. ready to just.. explode.. i say. "let's go shopping." because i'm a big old fag and i need stuff to make me happy. i go spend 45 bucks on lipstick, earrings and little pins. but this doesn't make me happy. i want that lady. i want to talk to her.. i want her to be my mom, or my aunt.. just.. talk to me. advise me. take me shopping.. or out for coffee or something. LOVE ME. .. obviously, my mom and aunts don't do this. i can't even hope for any sort of love from my uncles.. other than zak, who.. i adore, but doesn't seem to really be interested in spending much time with me sometimes.. stupid favoritism. i've never been the favorite. but besides that. i need.. her. because she understands what it's like to go nuts under the.. pressure. the pressure. even the word pressure causes pressure. getting back to the question.. now that i've lost your attention and you've gone away.. c.r.a.c.k. see? under all this pressure, i become like.. a dam made out of eggshells. it's like *tap tap* boom. all gone. and i just go nuts. i cry, i dig my fingernails into my head and rock back and forth and wish i had something to hit, not just delicate things that i like in my room. and i can't hit the walls, because they're soft and not built nice, and i can't hurt the house because of cultural reasons which i won't delve into right now.. > hafoo. doesn't anyone else feel like this? don't closets feel the same way? i'm like.. locked. in the stupid closet. and it's a soft plastic closet, so i can pretend i'm leaving it. i'm ready to leave it, i'm getting claustrophobic.. but no. i can't. they locked me in. and.. i want out. i want.. to leave... hafoo. some people are so lucky all they have to do is step out.. they have their own keys. my key is in the hands of the evil doctor man and his associates. who take their sweet time.. "what if what we're doing isn't the right choice..? what if years from now, you want to be a woman again (never was one, never will be.) and want kids and boobs and female parts again..?" i can't seem to convince them. i'm NOT a WOMAN. when i was little, even. i didn't want to grow up. i didn't want a gross sagging chest, i didn't want to get fat around the legs and chest and whatever. i didn't want to have babies. that's.. wrong to me. i thought i'd grow out of it.. it has to be a stage, after all i'm only 8, i can't just .. make this decision. i must be possessed. i must be depressed. i must be a witch or something. then after time and time.. it's like. no. i can't. > too bad i don't have a recorder or something. i can't just.. record this and send it to the evil doctor man and be like "please.. PLEASE take this into consideration. i don't want to have to get sick again.. " no more hospitals.. no more nurses that hate me. no more stupid diaperlike things that i shouldn't have to need.. no more stupid binding that hurts and doesn't convince anyone of anything.. i don't.. want it. .. erm. back to the q. ^^;;
  8. My ex girlfriend (whom I'm still in love with very much) overdosed on laxatives last night. She's been taking them a lot (she has a history of anorexia and bulemia) and last night she took a ton. Does anyone know anything about laxatives? Also, her parents took her to Children's hospital last night, but she talked her way out of staying. What kind of people would not keep her, she's very skinny and I'm so worried. I don't know what to do. The only reason we're not together is because I'm going into residential treatment pretty soon. I just want her to be healthy, I don't know what to do.
  9. Right ok. I think i have something wrong with me. Im a 16 year old guy who had sex with a girl 5 and a half months ago. We didnt use a condom, but she said she was on the pill. She came on her period and stuff. Anyway a couple of months after i started to get the feeling all my friends knew something i didnt. I confronted a couple asking them about the girl, and they all said "we've heard nothing" I still remained worried and about 2 months after, so told me she was 100% sure she wasnt and joked about it. About a month after i found myself looking at her belly all the time, to me it looked bigger, but then she was never thin anyway. I stopped going out with this group of people about another month after that because i was so worried. I had to go out again, just a small while after, and i thought it looked about the same size. This is when i stopped worrying. Then i had the "they know something i dont" feeling, so i confided in a friend who is friends with her. He told me she's had a test just in general (she gets around) and it came out negative. I found myself asking my friend everyday constently "have you heard anything else" Then a few days ago, i was invited to a meal with her and a someone else. I rang her a couple of nights before and asked her what was going on. Then i asked her if she was pregnant. She said "omg no, it was 5 months ago" So i went out for the meal. When i first saw her, i looked at her stomach. She looked slightly pudgy, but i really dont know if it was how it was before. And now im really worried. I asked her if she was and that day she'd had a chest x-ray (she's got a problem with coughing up blood" and she told me she had even had a test that day that came out negative because the doctors had to make sure she wasnt before she had the x-ray. She had a hospital wrist band on, and i saw her cough up blood that night, so im pretty sure she went in hospital. Im also 95% sure that she doesnt know nor think she is pregnant because of the way she jokes about it when i asked her(which i did about 30 times in one night) She did when serious say she defo wasnt though. She's also still wearing the same sets of clothes as she was months ago. Whats wrong with me? Is my worrying normal? I feel depressed and horrible
  10. At the 3 month stage now, and I've been admitted into hospital, let out, returned, let out, and gone back and forth like the proverbial spinner (a gold coca cola one - 80's UK culture ftw). I am no closer to solving my throat woes, although the amount of medication I've been given by the pharmacy has done wonders at stabilising me... for a few days or so. Well anyways, the hospital calls me 'really ill.' That's about it really, there's some medical term for it but I forgot it. Bizarrely, I still have my job. Not getting paid for being off sick on and off and on and off but at least it's somthing, right? Nah. I never considered myself to be a health afficionado... hell I was lethargic, lazy, getting close to fatty-tude, breathless, lousy appetite, but wow, do I miss my old non-healthy health. I guess if nothin else, this ridiculous debcle has made me realise that when (or if) I recover I need to change a few things. I'm still self loathing with no self-esteem and a strong desire to never have existed, and I still have numerous mental and physical failings, and I still want a girl so bad... but recently I haven't had much time for those problems because of my immediate pain. I suppose that's one good thing, right? Probably not.
  11. First of all, I'm a guy over age 20. I met this girl online in December 2005, we became friends, and we've been talking on the phone a lot for months. I want to meet her in person but there are a few things about this girl that bother me...let me explain. - Supposedly she went to my school in LA but her field of study doesn't seem to be offered at my school. - She lives in an apartment rather far from school which is pretty unheard of when there's dorms and plenty of apartments right by the school. - We were supposed to hang out several times but first her "phone broke" and then I slept in...then before we could hang out again she went home to Washington in the middle of the school term and has been there ever since. She claimed her parents (lawyers) went to Florida to settle their marital problems and she had to take care of all the kids. - Speaking of phones, she claims she likes to break her phones so she can get new ones. Kind of weird... - Her triplet sister in LA got cancer so her parents went to CA and stayed there until she died...she seemed strangely unaffected by it. - Like I said above she just up and left school like it was no big deal. - When she was already supposedly in Washington I found she left a friend a message (on Myspace) saying she was coming back to Washington for a few days...basically I've found messages she's left for other people that are kind of confusing and she says she didn't leave those messages (so who did then?) - She sent me a CD that she says she recorded a few years ago but it doesn't easily sound like her and in iTunes the artist name is different. - She's in a children's hospital right now for a "month" waiting to have an operation in Arizona with a "top doctor" for a blood clot of some kind in her brain or something. She's supposed to be moving to another hospital but she can't tell me which one. She "forgets." She also claims she brought her laptop, printer, and 3 suitcases. - This will sound strange but I did it because of all these weird signs. I called the hospital she was staying at and the lady said there was no patient under her name. I know this probably seems obvious but I'm just very confused...I've been talking to her for a while. It's got to be either a really dumb girl, a really sick (mentally) girl...or getting to the creepy side of things I hope it's not a guy posing as or using a girl. She's sent me so many pictures though - even with her little siblings! Maybe there's an explanation for all this and my imagination is just getting to me.
  12. I just moved to a new apartment last week. It's nice, but the move was very stressful, because I had to do it all on my own (packing, supervising the movers, unpacking and making all of the requisite arrangements). Even though we talk regularly, my ex-boyfriend refused to help me that day; his stepfather took his place, but only ended up having time to give me a ride from my old apartment to my new one, which was not much help at all - he was nice to me, but he didn't even get out of the car. It was so much easier when I moved 2 years ago, because my then-boyfriend helped a lot. After the adrenaline from the move wore off and I finally was able to relax, I ended up getting sick right before I was supposed to go back to work. Even worse, at the same time, my 6-1/2 year old cat (who I adopted in January 2005 right after my bad breakup and love to bits) got very ill. She vomited about 20 times in 24 hours, so I took an extra day off work on Tuesday to take her to the vet. They ended up admitting her to the hospital for 3 days to do tests, X-rays and an ultrasound and to hook her up to an IV because she was so dehydrated. It cost me a fortune ($1600), but I love her. So, I've been going to work since Wednesday with a very bad cold and fever, hacking away (my boss knows that I'm very sick and about my cat, but doesn't even offer to help with my workload - all she does is review my work and come in late every day). Then, I found out yesterday that my cat has chronic renal disease, which is kidney failure. While it is not immediately fatal, she will eventually die from it. The disease can be managed with a special vet prescribed kidney diet, but I have no idea how long she'll live. It's just so depressing, because she's been the only positive "light" in my life since the break up, and now I might lose her at any time, too. I took her home from the hospital last night. She's OK so far and was hungry this morning, but I'm worried like crazy. I don't know how much more stress and bad stuff happening I can take and have no idea how to deal with this. I'm desperately trying not to cry while I'm typing this (I'm at work) and I have to draft yet another motion. Why can't anything good ever happen?
  13. I'm having pretty strong contractions and they about 7 minutes apart. They started around 8 o'clock tonight (it's 11:30 here now) and were around 15 minutes apart but they're becoming closer together so we're heading to the hospital in a few minutes. I've never been so scared in my entire life
  14. It never leaves, it keeps visiting. I have felt extremely bipolar these last couple of days. Everything said to me is a personal insult or threat (paranoia), I'm doubting the cleanliness of personal objects, They May Give You HIV! my brain says (paranoia - I am, underneath all this, a well-informed and well-educated individual), I sit and glaze, or I sit with a tornado of thoughts between my ears. I'm thrown by frequent deja vu. I'm thrown by very many things, I feel again as though I am unravelling. I feel there is little point in describing my symptoms yet again to friends, or on Enotalone, I'm sure anyone who matters knows I have phases of feeling desperate, CONSTANTLY afraid, constantly as though I desire nothing more than to kill myself. I have emerged from other such phases, why should this be different? I usually recover from feeling a stomach-sickness at the world? From waves and waves of anger, resentment, restlessness. I can look in a mirror and cry, and this will help no one. I'm incoherant, arrogant, jealous, insecure, intelligent, mentally ill, paranoid, ugly and misplaced. As inappropriate as this sounds, I hope some day I AM forced into a hospital, from there I can only head upwards. I deserve it, I am vermin. Human vermin. So Ends The Lesson.
  15. Hmm.. We are having this very strong relationship, we are both committed and so much into ourselves, we both cant seem to get enough of eachother, as the man i'm in control of the relationship, and get to decide what happen or not and i try so much not to dictate to her... All im trying to say in bomb-shell is that we are both in love, we really do love eachother so very much. Ad we both realise that we are both down for eachother.. i can even tell she cant be herself if she didn't hear from me for two-three days... But the problem actually started somehow along the way that i cant really describe, I cant really say per-say where the problem arises from. We seem not to get in touch more often like before and so on... I do call her once in a while and she does returns my call too not always though... I started noticing changes in her, i feel she is not that down with me anymore, really dont know what the problem was... so she traveled lately and came back after a week and i did call her twice when she was away.. she came looking for me the day she came into town but i was very busy with very important things like my "education, exams and so" so we hooked up the next day, we didn't actually get to see till sometimes 7ish or so.. we actually was together all thru that day and had a nice time chatting and talking.. and all of a sudden she came up with a question asking me maybe i have done anything little bad or met someone else when are still going out together and I told her the answer which is NO.. coz i was really down with this gurl so we continue talking and i asked her to answer the same question she asked me... And she wasn't going to really answer it.. and i told her its okay if she can tell me, that it will be better not to tell me if she is going to lie, so she didn't say anything... for some couple of mins she asked if i really would love to know and i said yes if she is going to tell me nothing but the TRUTH and she said yes that she is done something little bad in my back... and i was like okay like what, trying to know what it was.. i was like okay..kissing, smooching?? she didn't talk at first and later said yes even more... meaning she had sex with someone else... obviously she is feeling bad already and she said she wonder how im gonna be feeling since she is feeling so bad and guilty about it all... I didn't really say anything coz it was little more of confession thing so i couldn't do a thing, couldn't even yell which is usual of me to do.. i told her if she could stop doing that then everything'll be fine and if she cant then i wouldn't know whats going to happen... To cut the story short, she wasn't doing okay today so we went to the hospital together.. after getting her treatment and drugs, i was going to go drop her home to have some rest and what happened was that someone called on her and she was talking in a low voice with the person, obviously male.. probably asking her to come over or something.. i just dont know... i love this girl so much but i wouldn't want to be a fool in any relationship with any girl. I could really do with some little advise now. Ps: in terms of her look, she is let say 8 1/2, 9, she is used to be a good gurl and we re just very opened to eachother, i dont keep things from her and she doesn't too... and thats why i see she is able to tell me about what she did at my back and she said she wants to stop it, thats why she is telling me in the first place.
  16. I feel stupid, lazy, and dishonest. I feel like I've cheated myself and others. In school, I was regarded as very smart -- honors, et cetera. My 8th grade year was fantastic but my transition to 9th grade was devasting. I went from being popular, the beautiful girls, and passion for life to being ditched by my best friends. My self-esteem was destroyed. I ended up partying more to regain my friends. I had my friends back, but I stopped honors classes and ended up barely graduating. I still was depressed. I look back at see ridiculous stupid mistakes I made, over and over. Stupid ideas or people who influenced me to think the wrong way. I cut corners and short changed myself. In college, I started a business with a friend. It wasn't easy, but we kept moving forward with it. I quit college to pursue it. When thing didn't go well (and after 9/11), I became very depressed. Slowly but surely I came out of it and put things back in order. Later on I went on a vacation with a friend. When I came back, my whole world was destroyed. I was falsely accused of something I didn't do, but it happened at a time when I was fighting with my family. Several things happened all at once. I voluntarily went to a psychiatric evaluation and was told I was okay and released. However, a day or so later I was arrested again. I was revisited in jail by a psychiatric evaluator who had a page of of half-truths about me. I was moved to a hospital for a 72-hour evaluation. Being in jail for something I didn't do really aggrevated me. I ended up leaving the hospital against the rules. I was arrested again. After a mild disagreement with another patient, the staff forced medication on me which I refused. They're was a struggle and the next four days of my life I don't remember (I was heavily sedated). apparently I was paraded in court during that time in an orange jumpsuit with my hands and feet shackled (for a misdemeanor charge). When I woke up I was in a maximum security evaulation center in a prison hours from my hometown. I was there for a month with other patients, all on felony charges like rape, armed robbery, and even murder. After my release, I had my court case to handle. It took over a year with threats from a prosecutor about felony charges if I didn't plead guilty, but I maintained my innocence and they dropped all the charges against me. (There was actually video tape evidence of my innocence). My reputation, my life, everything was destroyed. I wanted to sue, my lawyer said I had a guaranteed case, but we never did. I went on and everything was well for awhile. I focused on my ambitions and kept moving forward. Several years later I again was arrested for false charges, this time beaten by police (on video tape), was taken to a hospital for the injuries, and then to jail (for misdemeanors). Later I was falsely charged with 2 felonies (first time in my life) and held in jail for 30-days. Then they decided to drop all the charges and release me. It happened in a notoriously corrupt city. I feel so wronged by this. I accept responsibility for where I am in life and I know I'm at fault for somethings. But being falsely charged twice in my life, held for 30-days each time, and the charges dropped is hard to reconcile. People don't believe you. They still blame me. For someone who was so smart, I feel so stupid. I wish I could personify my true desire and stop being lazy, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop everything and reinvigorate my life. I feel like a tremendous failure. One of my main motivations has been to fight back for being falsely charged and clear my name by a lawsuit. I also feel lucky, I still have my business through all of this. I'm decent looking and have some very positive things, but I think I've just been tramuatized and have never had a real chance to express my feelings. I just ignored them, always remained positive and tried to replace my hurt with frivalous things. The one amazing thing that I've learned is that everyone has felt the way I do, everyone has made mistakes, everyone has been slighted by life an unfair ways, but not everyone reacts by doing nothing, or wallowing in pity, maybe for a period of time. At some moment, you just have to grow up, rationalize the things you can, forgive the things you can't and make your life better for today and tomorrow. I know only I can do that and that I'm only worthy of it if I work hard. May I fully embrace my desire and let it bring me everything I need. Thanks for listening/reading.
  17. Posted this here recently but didn't get any reply. Its about my GF. Hmm.. We are having this very strong relationship, we are both committed and so much into ourselves, we both cant seem to get enough of eachother, as the man i'm in control of the relationship, and get to decide what happen or not and i try so much not to dictate to her... All im trying to say in bomb-shell is that we are both in love, we really do love eachother so very much. Ad we both realise that we are both down for eachother.. i can even tell she cant be herself if she didn't hear from me for two-three days... But the problem actually started somehow along the way that i cant really describe, I cant really say per-say where the problem arises from. We seem not to get in touch more often like before and so on... I do call her once in a while and she does returns my call too not always though... I started noticing changes in her, i feel she is not that down with me anymore, really dont know what the problem was... so she traveled lately and came back after a week and i did call her twice when she was away.. she came looking for me the day she came into town but i was very busy with very important things like my "education, exams and so" so we hooked up the next day, we didn't actually get to see till sometimes 7ish or so.. we actually was together all thru that day and had a nice time chatting and talking.. and all of a sudden she came up with a question asking me maybe i have done anything little bad or met someone else when are still going out together and I told her the answer which is NO.. coz i was really down with this gurl so we continue talking and i asked her to answer the same question she asked me... And she wasn't going to really answer it.. and i told her its okay if she can tell me, that it will be better not to tell me if she is going to lie, so she didn't say anything... for some couple of mins she asked if i really would love to know and i said yes if she is going to tell me nothing but the TRUTH and she said yes that she is done something little bad in my back... and i was like okay like what, trying to know what it was.. i was like okay..kissing, smooching?? she didn't talk at first and later said yes even more... meaning she had sex with someone else... obviously she is feeling bad already and she said she wonder how im gonna be feeling since she is feeling so bad and guilty about it all... I didn't really say anything coz it was little more of confession thing so i couldn't do a thing, couldn't even yell which is usual of me to do.. i told her if she could stop doing that then everything'll be fine and if she cant then i wouldn't know whats going to happen... To cut the story short, she wasn't doing okay today so we went to the hospital together.. after getting her treatment and drugs, i was going to go drop her home to have some rest and what happened was that someone called on her and she was talking in a low voice with the person, obviously male.. probably asking her to come over or something.. i just dont know... i love this girl so much but i wouldn't want to be a fool in any relationship with any girl. I could really do with some little advise now. Ps: in terms of her look, she is let say 8 1/2, 9, she is used to be a good gurl and we re just very opened to eachother, i dont keep things from her and she doesn't too... and thats why i see she is able to tell me about what she did at my back and she said she wants to stop it, thats why she is telling me in the first place.
  18. I'm not looking for a diagnosis here, I'm leaving that for the doctor. I just need to vent some of my worrying. I've been sick for two weeks, swollen lymphs, sore throat, blah feeling, sleeping for 16 hours a day. I thought it was mono, CERTAIN it was mono. I was on a course of antibiotics that didn't help at all. I've had mono before, when I was 16, so I didn't think I could get again, but like the doctor said "stranger things have happened". The mono test came back today negative. The doc thinks it might be a thyroid problem, but I was tested not too long ago. She's ordered a few tests other than thyroid to rule other stuff out as well. The blood panel showed it's not an infection, viral or bacterial. So what the heck can it be? She gave me a corticosteroid for my nose and said wait till the results are back from the lab. I'm worried now. I wasn't, but I am now. I don't know what I'm dealing with. My mom is scared too, she said for me to just admit myself to the hospital to find out quicker what's wrong with me. I can't do that, I have my animals here I have to take care of. She wants to fly out to take care of me. Right now I can take care of myself, so I told her it's not necessary. I'm supposed to start school this week, but what if I'm still this sick for awhile yet? Good vibes? Anyone? PLEASE?
  19. I didn't write this but thought it was a wonderful poem and wanted to share it with fellow ENAers. When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa,Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging accross the Internet. -Crabby Old Man- What do you see nur ses? ..What do you see? What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me? A crabby old man, ...not very wise, Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes? Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply. When you say in a loud voice.....'I do wish you'd try!' Who seems not to notice ......the things that you do. And forever is losing .......... A sock or shoe? Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding .... The long day to fill? Is that what you're thinking? ... Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me. I'll tell you who I am ......... As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, .....as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters .........who love one another A young boy of Sixteen ..with wings on his feet Dreaming that soon now. ......a lover he'll meet. A g room soon at Twenty .....my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows......that I promised to keep. At Twenty-Five, now ......... I have young of my own. Who need me to guide .... And a secure happy home. A man of Thirty ......... My young now grown fast, Bound to each other ........ With ties that should last. At Forty, my young sons ..have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn. At Fifty, once more, ......... Babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children ....... My loved one and me. Dark days are upon me ......... My wife is now dead. I look at the future ..............I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing......young of their own. And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known. I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age .....look like a fool. The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart. There is now a stone........where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass ...... A young guy still dwells, And now and again .......my battered heart swells I remember the joys........... I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living.............life over again. I think of the years ...all too few....gone too fast. And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last. So open your eyes, people ..........open and see.. Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!! Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day, be there, too! PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched They must be felt by the heart. God Bless Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
  20. I did this story about Anorexia. Feedback would be nice. She used to be healthy, she used to be so pretty and just right. But anorexia taken her. Forever. Now, her bones stick out, she's so skinny and you can never see a smile upon her face. She is 5ft 8, weighing only 80 pounds. Fainting has become her hobby. Cramps aswell. Her hair is thin and she has bold patches, where her gorgeous, wavey, soft and silky blonde hair used to be. The smile which used to go from ear to ear has disappeared, replaced with tears. She shivers even in the summer. She can't even stand by herself anymore. She's had to drop out of school because she can't concentrate, can't work, can't do anything anymore. She lays in her bed, or she paces around, counting in her head. Sometimes when she tries to run, she will fall down. Food? That's not an option. It has calories in it. To her that'd be suicide. Water is her only survival option. After all, it has no calories, no fat. She has scars on her body where the skin was torn by a razor blade. She has bruises where she has banged herself from falling over. She has needle marks from being in hospital, having fluids pumped into her because for a while, she began to think water even had calories. She's had food stuffed down her through a tube before too. She's had heart flutters. Her teeth are rotting away because she hasn't got any calcium. Her body is weakening because she hasn't got any nutrients, vitamins, protein, or fiber in her. Her body is failing, and she is hanging onto life by a thread. Just because all she ever wanted to be was 'prettier', 'thinner' and 'better'. All because of anorexia.
  21. I wrote this to someone who's been in the state hospital for a year and a half now (I was there for a year; she arrived a few months after I did). This is the first writing I've ever done that feels like a faithful portrayal of my heart. * * * For many years I've wallowed in a lonely misery When I finally buckled under the pressure of no life and no future, I resigned myself to utter defeat I believed that my mind was already molded and set There was no way out of my old habits and thought-patterns I'd suffer the rest of my life from precisely the same emotions, and worse, if I didn't kill myself Looking back, there is a significant change from who I was six months ago Physically and psychologically, perhaps even in the composition of my brain It's still hard to believe how far I've gone I was convinced I'd die alone in a mental hospital, of old age if not by suicide Jian-Marie has been the miracle in my life I declared that no one would ever love me for who I really was I'm glad she proved me wrong Every day is still a battle I have to face the same demons over and over - very real elements of my prison But as I told Jian-Marie, change is possible It takes a long time and hard work There are certainly times when things appear to fall apart and you're left at square one But this is partially an illusion You have the chance to go a little farther with each cycle of recovery - a little more experience to work with Each fall paradoxically gives you a clean slate You can use the slate to choose your own direction: Perhaps similar, or completely different from the one you had before You become stripped of the compulsion to uphold any false improvement This freedom allows a fresh look on life, free from any preconception of how it 'should' be Imagination can be an enormously enriching supplement in creating reality Allow yourself to dream To see things from a different perspective And apply what you wish to your own life See your life as a canvas: What will your next stroke be? Your life is irreplaceable Every experience you've had and will have is unique to your being Nothing can take that away from you Every moment, every day, you can mold your life, your experience Not always your moods and your thoughts But how you react once you have them This is self-transcendence: Seeing the richness of possibilities in this moment And reaching out; just try it: An unexpected twist in the ordinary trend of events You'll amaze yourself with what you find In other people, in yourself, beneath unturned rocks You will even find that you are more than one person; in fact, several people One of them is a girl yearning for love and understanding One of them a goddess of peace You don't have to be limited to the person you were yesterday Who you were today, who people think you are, or who you think you are Try thinking about the woman in you who will look back on her life sometime in the future Smiling at you Inexpressibly thankful that you survived long enough To give her a chance Every small step you take Is another neuron mended, another door opened It takes blind faith to complete the cycle Sometimes it's impossible to see how anything you do could possibly help But then, some of those decisions you make pay off at just the right time And suddenly you perceive the vast sea on which we float; That an untold number of those decisions did turn out for the better of tides, though you may never know exactly how If my writing intimidates you, and you wish you could write like I do, Just consider this: I would never be able to write anything without inspiration from people like you Everything that I've written Every beautiful sentence I've ever conceived Came from thinking about those very, very few special people in my life I am nothing without this wellspring of vitality It's what keeps me going, day in and day out This letter would never have been written If I hadn't met you If I hadn't somehow fallen in love with you So you see, you're constantly taking part in creation Even when you're absent minded; not intending on it I took those slips in your attention As opportunities for absorbing your presence, Yearning to take part in your beauty... Erin, I wrote this for you I wrote this because of you So many albums I've sent might as well have been sung for you I want to be for you what Mikaela is and has been for you Even if this comes to naught, Even if you decide you can't live in this world anymore I would respect your decision, forbearing all judgement I can't blame anyone for wanting out of this harsh existence Only be extremely sorry for their passing Hang on to memories, reverent of the extreme suffering they endured And try to keep holding on myself Making a difference wherever, whenever I can I want you to feel in the end that there were people who understood That you have a warm place in my heart As I write, I so badly want to see you again To hug you, take in your essence Gaze into your eyes If I had the chance I would lie next to you for days In your darkest hours Holding you close ~ Erik
  22. Well, if ya'll have been keeping up with my posts, my fiance was in a bad car wreck and had been in the hospital for the past week or so. They finally took his chest tube out and took him off oxygen sunday night and released him yesturday afternoon. I heard all of this from his Mom, because he didn't call me yesturday. So, I booked my hotel, my plane leaves thursday morning. I wanted to make sure he got to the base hospital ok, so I called the hospital on his base just to ask if he was settled in, and they said he was still at the city hospital. So I call that hospital and they said they released him! So... he's not anywhere. I called his friend that I've been keeping in touch with and getting updates from and he said he didn't even know he was released and had no idea where he was! I know it's hard for him to call because he lost his cell phone in the accident.. but I'm getting worried!! He should not just be sitting in the baricks by himself.. he's better but not completley and he still needs to be monitered! My parents keep calling me and are stressing me out even more asking why he hasn't called and where he's at... I don't have their answeres but they won't quit bugging me! I'm starting to get stressed and freak out. My flight leaves on thursday morning, but if they're sending him home since he's released from the hospital then theres no point in me going! I'm just freaking out and getting stressed out. What should I do?
  23. I am 27 and for the last 10years plus I've wanted to kill myself. This was simply because I feel there is no point to life. I think it started when I was about 14. That was when I took my first overdose ‘just to see what would happen’. Nothing did, was sick for a few days but was fine after a while and never told anyone about it. Finally about 5 years ago I was so depressed with the pointlessness of everything – and don’t get me wrong, I had a boyfriend, family, friends, was in uni, everything was ‘great’ – but was ill so much and I knew it was because of the depression, then I took an overdose that did leave me in hospital for some days. I couldn’t even do that right; I was told I didn’t take enough to even require stomach pumping! Anyway when I came out of hospital, my mum talked to me about it and she cried. That’s the only thing that stuck – ‘I made my mum cry!’ and that was – and still is - the only reason why I didn’t try to get it right. After that I tried to get on with my life but always at the back of my head – and quite often at the front – I just think ‘when can I do it?’ The funny thing is I’ve never considered myself as being suicidal but I guess I am. And now having recently been dumped by somebody I felt really loved me and who I really loved, it feels worse than ever. To make matters worse I’ve moved to a country where I don’t know anyone and don’t have any friends so I have a lot of time on my hands to think about the pointlessness of life – not just mine but generally. I guess maybe someone could see this as a ‘cry for help’ and can try and ‘save’ me but me I see it as ‘we’re born so we can die anyway, so what’s the point?’
  24. My nephew is only six and today he got sent to hospital, at 2pm the amberlance came to his school and took him there. He was running then he fell over twice, hit his head, now has this big red mark on his head, he doent even know he has it there, all he knows is that it hurts. He fainted and his arms started to go in a spasm. The teacher rang me sister at work and i was working with her, she started crying and i knew something bad happened. My sister and her husban went to the hospital and on the way there this truck hit them up the * * * luckly no one was hurt. My sister was all shaken up by then, they got to the hospital and he is really tried and abit shaken up, and has a sore head. Right at this moment my nephew is getting a catscan, i know he is going to be alright, but how could this happen to a SIX year old? i love my nephew to bits and i really do hope he is going to be okay. My sister was thinking of the worse i had to be strong for her and say he is going to be alright. How could this happen to inocent people? my sister has just got her life back on track To things have gone wrong today, in the matter of 4 hours, i am waiting for something esle to happening coz everything happens in three
  25. Do they still take a baby away from their mother and put them in that little glass thing and then put them on display in a room separate from their mothers? That seems so arcaic, to separate a newborn from it's mother. It must be so scary for the baby. It makes me want to avoid hospitals and doctors all together when I am pregnant.
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