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About Me

  1. I have a male friend that has mental health issues, he can become suicidal and very depressed. We became really close last year (not in a sexual way) he told me he was “falling in love with me”. I was getting feelings for him too but I couldn’t be in a relationship at that point and also I felt like he needed to work on himself more. We stopped talking for about a couple of months, that was my choice as I wanted to get over him. Then we started chatting again about 5 months ago, he told me he met a girl and they are apparently in a relationship but says “my heart still lies with you”. I still have feelings for him and now his girlfriend wants him to stop talking to me. He still does but through a different format rather than call/text. I said to him it’s not fair on your girlfriend and should stop talking. He doesn’t want to. But I think he just likes to talk to me about his problems because he doesn’t have anyone else. He told me he “has hopes we will be together”, I had a go at him and said it was immoral of him to say that to me. He told me he’s not happy with this girl and says he’s with her because it gives him stability. I told him I am not going to be his friend anymore and he said “I’m only talking to you because I feel sorry for you, go get a guy of your own and get out of my hair, you are crazy and unstable”. I got extremely upset but he messaged me today saying he was feeling really low and suicidal. I told him I can’t be friends and he tells me that he really wants me in his life. Is he using me because he’s lonely?
  2. Hi im writing this to you to tell you i will always remember ever since the day you left this earth i see the shadow of your face at night when i am asleep i cant forget i cant forget those calls in the middle of night those things you said to keep going even in the red you never quit even when i did when i cry in the middle of the night i feel your hand upon your shoulder you tried so hard and when you disappeared i lost hope in everything i have no vision from the springs on my hands they close down but ill never get a firm grasp on things im ashamed of myself without you i feel lost you were not only my uncle but my best friend ill never forget.. even when im old and gray ill always remember those days ill never forget how you saved my grace i hurt so bad inside and misery owns my cells you gave me your watch and said even though your time was gone mine was still ticking but in memory of you i will keep pushing through agony, suicide, and the misery just for you... only for you
  3. It's a pretty dumb question because it can't be answered, bu still. Life sucks! I have thought about commitng suicide since I was 12. I started geting depressions when I was 16 and havn't had real friends since and girlfriends is only sometihng others have. My father is insane, he tried to commit suicide when I was still a baby and gets pills to stay away from bad thoughts. My fathers father hang him self soon before I got born and more in my family has bad mental problems. It has not been found out why we feel like we do and that sucks. Pain that you can't explain. I cut my self, hits the wall, listen to sad music, drown my pain and thoughts in alcohol. Bla bla bla. I whine and have a lot of selfpitty. Life really sucks, so why is it so hard to end it? Because I am standing in greyzone. Life also gives me good things like the beauty of sunsets, Jazz and blues. I don't believe that a shrink can help me. What I need is some good friends, a girlfriend and some drugs to keep the dark clouds away, because they always ruin everything. I think of death as peace. When you are dead you don't excist any more. By the way, if you have never excisted, can you then be dead? I don't expect life to be easy, but I don't understand why life has to be that painfull, that lonely, just that way. Why?
  4. Well I have lost the best friend I ever had by telling her I have a crush on her (there is still a chance we can be friends again when things cool down but i'm not holding my breath). I don't have any other friends. I'm only just starting to get over my brother's suicide in 2003. Right now I have nothing in my life. My mom who I live with is moving us back to the town where I grew up which I hate because there is no life opportunites there, its just a town with nothing basically. I've thought about suicide a lot over the past 2 years but have only gone so far as taking a knife into my room but never actually attempting it. I can't talk to any of my family they would never understand. I don't want to kill myself, i'm thinking and planning my life ahead now. It's just I have the urge to cut my wrist, but not to kill myself, just to cut it. I don't get this because i'm looking to my future and i'm more possitive than I have been for a long time. I don't know why I want to do this. If anyone can relate to this at all please leave a reply here or a pm.
  5. can you not see that i am in pain? are my screams to you all in vein? do you not see what i do or notice the harm? must i break down and cry, or wear it on my arm? is it beyond what words can explain? is it more that you want to hear? are you going to let me fall? do you ignore this out of fear? scattered stained razorblades lay on my bed and yet you say nothing you watched me as i bled ive even told you in spoken word the part about suicide and self harm must have gone unheard should i quit and say goodbye? or keep trying?i will carry on my own i will fight this i will break the habit and kill the pain all alone. oppinions?very very emotional when i wrote this. any feedback welcome -sTiTcHeS
  6. Ok, this is gonna sound absolutely crazy, but I feel like disappearing. It's been going through my head for quite some time now, tonight was the last straw... I feel like turning this computer off, leaving it off for a week. I feel like not answering my phone until my voice mail gets full (that might take a week). I feel like not talking or communicating with anyone and just disappearing for awhile. There are some reasons why I feel like doing this - for one - I find I am addicted to checking my email, checking enotalone, checking my voice mail messages, to the point where I will check at least one of these every 20 minutes that I am home. My heart jumps when the phone rings - thinking it is a guy I like, to the disappointment it is my parents calling to check up on me. I get disappointed when I don't get a single email or phonecall. Secondly, I feel that I am leaning to much on my friends. I think some of them are getting sick of it. Some of them are getting sick of hearing stories about HIM, or about my depression, or lack of motivation. They all say they are here for me - talk to me a lot on the phone, but never invite me out to do anything - which is what I need the most right now. Thirdly - my parents keep sayin 'they are here for me' but are quite unwilling to help me out when a situation arises. They call me at least every second day to check up on me. That and an incident happened at work today and I wanted to quit and I really wanted their opinion on it, so I called collect, and they were like "you should think about this, we can't talk right now its expensive" so i hung up on them and decided, NOW is the time to disappear. I know its really selfish of me. Maybe I should tell people I am disappearing so they won't worry about me - crikey i can't stand when people worry about me. But then what would be the point on disappearing? If this was last year, I would have attempted suicide again. But then I keep telling myself, suicide is not an option. I guess thats a good thing - but then I keep wishing bad things will happen to me - I go out alone at night, I walk down back alleys and stuff, I'm always praying I will get hit by a bus. I think I'm really messed up.
  7. I told my family about my suicidal feelings yesterday and they told me to go ahead and do it. Naturally, im even more upset by this and ive tried to do it on several occasions before. I dont know what to do anymore, I just want out. I want to die but my boyfriend wants me to live, and i dont know if i can bear to hurt him.Life is just too painful though.. ...what do i do??
  8. Since I was about 13 or so suicide, atleast the thought of it, has been a relief for me. I've only truly attempted it once when I was about 15 but ended up sick from taking way too many diet pills. I used to cut every day and eventually it became infrequent like maybe once a year. I'm 22 now and have been dealing with depression for years. I guess it's depression, just all around feeling like s#it all the time. I've been to therapists, which im seeing a psychiatrist now nad a therapist, i've been on meds which i am currently on. I've read self-help books, gone to alanon meetings, prayed, journaled, everything i can think of to feel better. Nothing works. I am so unhappy and so many people tell me how negative i am. Which I guess it's true. I have so many issues from family to intimate relationships to just with myself. I'd be here for days literally typing all my junk out but I don't have the patience to do so nor do I think i'd get as many responses as I'd like. Sometimes which is actually quite a lot, I get to crying, thinking about suicide, i panic, freak out, think about cutting, whatever. I get a sense of relief from that. I guess because I have no control over anything else but that. I can choose to live or die atleast hoping i dont end up paralyzed. Either way i hang on because I have family i know would be devastated. So I just keep on moving along. My main issue is w/my significant other. We've been off and on since i was 16 (currently im 22). That whole relationship is too messy and convoluted to type out. I am sure you could imagine all the emotion's tied into this so it's not like i can just up and walk away and not look back, etc. I think i hang on to him because i am so afraid of being alone. I have a lot of the borderline personality traits and my biggest problem is being abandoned. All in all he's an OK guy I guess. He doesn't beat me which as crazy as it sounds sometimes i wish he did. His love is playstation and pot. He smokes pot many times every day. He stays glued to his video games and that's pretty much what he does all day. I just deal with it. We've been through so much i dont even argue w/him about it anymore. If he thinks we're about to argue he just says he's getting off the phone or change the subject. This only escalates and intensifies my fear of abandonment and starts the whole crazy cycle over again. I have so much raw emotion just right below the surface. I've tried leaving him many times, we've even taken many months apart but we end up together again. I guess this post is more about him than i had intended. But its really about me because he affects me. I am sure a lot of this has to do w/how i was raised as well. Dad was alcoholic and mom was stuck on him to say the least. i've seen them go through a whole lot. in a way im repeating what my mom went through. I'm in college now and about to graduate. I have no idea what i want to do. Kinda think about working w/kids but i dont know in what way. My major is in psychology. he's working with his dad and going out of town to do electrical work and calls me at night from his dad's cell because his nights are free. I'm so afraid to do anything, so afraid of really losing him. I want so much more though and i dont know if it is even realistic. And if i had what i wanted would i be happy? You know what i mean? I could walk away from him and totally hate myself later. I know that if i told him i didnt wnat to be w/him anymore he'd just be like "why" and then say ok then. He wouldnt beg me to stay or try and make me stay. That hurts you know. I guess thats a lot of the reason i am attracted to him. He doesn't let his emotions run him like i do. I can cry at the drop of a hat, no joke. I can be just lying there with him sometimes and a memory of something i miss about us will come into my mind and i'll tear up. I've done this so much that he doesnt even respons to it anymore. Sometimes he'll ask what's wrong. It reminds me of the girl who cried wolf. He's so used to me always talking about feelings and issues that he gets frustrated, ignores me, tunes me out, etc. But i am left feeling so unimportant, so pushed to the side, so like crap. I am aware of all this but still i hang on. I only hope someone out there can relate to what im saying and has been where i am. its not just with him either. i"ve met guys along the way and i get obsessive over them too. Its like i feel empty without someone, i feel useless, i feel jealous when someone else has a loving relationship and i KNOW i'd feel so angry and hurt and jealous if he were with someone else. How is it possible for someone, especialy him, to just dust himself off and go on about his way? While it kills me and i could be hurt over something for YEARS to come. I dont know if anything i've written makes sense. so much of my life is him. He's all i think about. I don't go out and do hardly anything because i'm afraid i'll miss his call. If i do most the time if i call back he's already asleep. So i try to stay near a phone or call back when he usually calls. I just get so worked up and so worried. Used to i'd call and start arguing with him, crying. Now i sit and suffer. I dont cry in front of him anymore because there is no consolation. He's tired of my "crap." I cannot put into words how deathly afraid i am of being alone or without him. I hate the thought of it. It hurts so bad. I don't know. I guess i just wanted someone to hear me. I'm just going to see if anyone responds and i'll write some more later.
  9. Well hello everyone at enotalone.I havent posted in this forum forever but i really need some help.Things have been going downhill lately.Everything just keeps turning out bad.I have been trying to stay strong but its hard when your life is crashing down around you.My cutting stopped for awhile,but recently i have started again.I want to stop, i need to stop, i just cant. am posting because i need help.If i keep acting this way i wont be around much longer.So i want to know,how do you stop feelings of suicide and death,when you just want to give up.Any help would be great. ~Meagan~
  10. Simple melodies relieve the ache I suffer from Soothing my soul Simple Melodies I look around through my sky blue eyes Seeing the world in black and white Everything is either Dead or Alive Everything is Either Horrible or Perfect I grip the blade tightly It slices through my wrist like a hot knife through butter Death knocks on my door My death, my suicide I smile as I breath my last breath I am sleeping forever Never waking up. Looking at my lifeless corpse in Hell Wishing I never chose a permanent answer
  11. Hi everyone, Well, here I am. I`ve chosen this particular forum because the main thing that gets me down is the loss of my brother 4 years ago (he committed suicide.) I`ve been clinically depressed for 10 years now, partly due to my upbringing and partly due to the fact that mental ill-health runs in the family (which may explain the upbringing, nature vs nurture and all that). I feel like I`m hitting breaking point, I feel like I`m a disappointment and a failure because I`m intelligent yet haven`t done any Further Education because I have agoraphobia and social phobia, very closely interlinked in my case. Anyway, basically, I really miss my brother, I worshipped him when he was alive because he was just so cool, and just amazing really, words don`t cut it. I`m not even sure why I`m posting here, I suppose it`s just helpful to have somewhere I can vent my spleen etc without worrying my friends. I have good days sometimes when I can remind myself that as long as he is in my memories then he is still alive in a sense, but really that`s nothing compared to the bad days (or weeks) when I simply can`t believe that I won`t hear him speak again, or see his big cheesy grin(!). I don`t ask for any replies but I`m thankful to anyone who reads this and I wish everyone here luck with whatever is troubling them. Thanks again, take care.
  12. nothing is right I dont feel like a boy I always feel like I should have been a girl I always want to act feminine and hang out with other girls but I cant I would look gay and weird I know this happens to other people but I dont know what to do I think about it every minute of my life and at some time I have even gotten suicidal I once told my dad and he said it was a phase but I felt this way since I was little I always wanted to grow my hair long and stuff I know I can "change" but I am only 13 I cant take hormones or anything and even if I did I would never be able to see any of my friends again life would never be normal Everyday I feel a little bit worse and I have no idea of what I can do I want to wear girls clothes and be a girl This took alot of courage to say but I cant hold it in any longer I just cant stand any of this any longer I felt wrong my whole life
  13. well i just finished reading Paradise Lost in school, and it really intrigued me. i'm not a religious person but i enjoyed reading about Genesis but at the same time I wonder why "the fall of man" was such a bad thing.. yeah i notice that most of these poems around here are about depression and suicide and all, i wonder if my posts are kinda unwelcome. i'm a happiness type person though what can i say. The pearl-bearded king, atop his lofty mount Rules with gilded fist over idyllic Eden Alluring a lovely lady, woman of vain opulence To a Jade tree resplendent in succulent fruit. But too delicate, innocent are the hearts of this land As the swift streams pulse with promise in heated blood Twisted light, filtered through earthly delusions of Paradise Spawn of malevolence, may Knowledge be my birthright.
  14. Hi, I'm writing and sending this text, not like most of you, to find a solution to my suicidal thoughts, but for just a need that i have, something that i don't know myself what is and can't explain. Hope you read and don't become annoyed by the length and my language (I'm not american). I have now 20 yrs old and right know i'm thinking of jumping through my bedroom window in just a few days (want to do this for months). But what are the reasons? There's a lot of reasons. But i'll start by telling you who i am. For someone who knows me i don't look a depressed guy looking for a way out in a suicide; I'm a inteligent person (most of my teachers and a shrink think that i am some like a genius), have lot of knowledge in topics of my interests like history, philosophy, art and literature ( I was even writing a joycean-proustian novel). Can comunicate very easily and never had any family problems or physical abuse. But surprisingly my problems started right from there ( a theory of mine). when i was a child i didn't half of the things that a normal kid usually do and im my adolescense was the same thing, although i had a couple of girlfriends and had good friends inside and outside the school, because no one pressed me do it and as i am what i am i couldn't do it myself alone ( it's a fault of my character) so i missed a lot of good things, but i never missed that 'till now. now i'm alone. Other thing is that i somehow lost the interest in everthing i used to love and this includes hobbys and people (friends and family).The last and most frightening of my problems to me is my insecurity about everything. I see bad things and emptiness in every career i would love to follow (filmmaker, writer, archeologist; see the best ones in their careers and don't want to have what they have and don't want to be what they are). Feel that i'm getting lost, slliping, pushed away from reason. Don't care about nothing and my family suffer after the suicide don't put me sad. I became very affraid of the future and when i think about life and the good things that most people applied to make a suicidal keep living it just doesn't work for me. Pass my days doing nothing. Don't have religion (have to see to believe). Sometimes hope there's no afterlife and resurrection and that we just die and finish everything; sometimes hope there's God, angels and somehow i'll have another chance and things will be better. Bye. Hope someone read this. Marcel.
  15. Once again im seeing symptoms of depression and suicide in my life,it's like a fly on the wall that just wont go away.You want to kill it but its just out of your reach,thats how I feel right now.I'm feeling pretty helpless when it comes to life in general,im not a "normal" person i dont think like everyone else does I like think outside the box so to say. That's one of my problems though,I really want to find a girlfriend but everytime i meet a girl i end up being so nice that they only wanna become friends.I'm naturally a very kind person,i'll hold a door open for people when they walk into a building,I try to do things for my friend's anytime I can,I even talk to them about there problems with suicide and try to be there for them and give them a shoulder to cry on. I try to treat girls with respect and not be a pig towards them,but that never seems to be what anyone wants.I'm a romantic at heart and id rather cuddle with a girl then have sex all night long,i'd rather take her on a romantic dinner then be out with my friends drinking beer and getting drunk.No one seems to really want that though.I feel like im doomed to a life of being alone. It's not that i dont like helping my friends out,I really do.i just wish someone would give me a chance.I'm certainly not a boring or unenjoyable person to be around,Im naturally funny and can make my friends laugh easily.I just always seem to get labeled as the nice guy and thrown in the friend bucket.for someone who has felt alone his whole life this does not help matters at all. I always see my friend's going out and getting dates and getting married while i sit here,alone and by myself.I always feel awkward and out of place when one of my friends who has a boyfriend or girlfriend asks me to come hang out with them together.It feels like I am being teased because they have something that i have never had so that makes me feel even worse.It's like when you see a brand new car or something in a window that you know you want more than anything but always seems to be beyond your reach. Another thing in my life that is causing me depression is something that i cant figure out,I have no problem conversating with a small group of people(1 to 4 people for example)but when i get into an area with a lot more people around I "freeze" up and My mind runs wild.I suddenly find myself not being able to concentrate on anything and it feels like im goona lose control at any moment,For example when im at work because of this i become extremely quiet because I seem to lose control when it comes to having a lot of people around.This makes it extremely hard to be at work,sometimes it is almost unbearable. Although I am a naturally quiet person i can hold up my end of the conversation,so knowing i can do this and then losing control and not being able to give my co-workers the right impression I want really brings me a lot of stress.put yourself in my shoes for one minute if you would,getting through the work day with feeling's of confusion and helplessness.It's not the best feeling in the world. I'm also trying to figure out my purpose in life,am I only goona be a friend for people to come too when they need something?It's feels that way sometimes although I know thats not how it really is.I always feel alone and sometimes wonder would suicide be worth it or not.Sure I would hurt my family and friends but sometimes it feels worth the trade off to get rid of all the loneliness and emptyness i have built up through life. Even though I have friends,i still feel lonely.I know my family loves me,and I still feel alone.I'm even in therapy right now for all that im going through and even sometimes that feels like it isnt doing anything.I just dont wanna feel so helpless anymore,every day is a battle to will myself on when it seems theres nothing to keep fighting for.sometimes I just want the pain to go away so bad ill do anything to make that happen. I often wonder why god put me here,people like me seem to be not needed in this modern day society of people.I watch people who have black hearts get everything handed right to them while I struggle just to get through every single day of my life.Everyone I see look's so very happy,I wish i could share in that happiness I just wanna be happy with myself im sick of feeling like im nothing and that ill never amount to anything.I just want the loneliness to go away!Im crying as i am writing this,it feels good to be able to release some emotion finally.Heres to another day in this world-all alone.
  16. hey! i m venting here.Why do people think other people are crazy if they think of comitting suicide?? Yes it has something to do with your brain but they should look past that. They shouldn't lock them up they should be helped in some way because if they get locked up what happens when they are "fixed" and they go back into this world they are just going to be blocked out from neighbours, from some family because no one turly knows what it is like to be like that unless u have gone through it right? i haven't but i know what people in our world are like. people who are sucideial should not be judged but helped.Like the people here when they hear some one wants to commite sudicide they try to help and figure out whats wrong in the other persons life. why are the people we grow up with and the people around us in our own lives like this?? Well most people its because they rather laugh or fear them then figure out why or even try to help.post anyhting you may want to add or say and i m not trying to pick on anyone here just saying how i feel. thanks for reading.have a nice night
  17. I usually don't like discussing my emotions, but since this is an online forum perhaps there's some people that can relate and help.. First off, I am usually a very driven, motivated individual. Many people consider me intelligent. In high school I had a high (92%) average, received numerous athletic, extra-curricular & academic awards, and was generally a happy individual. To put succinctly, I felt like my life had some meaning to it. Now I am in my 2nd year attending a top university in the country. I used to be ambitious in my first year, and off and on up until now. But lately I have felt all my ambition just drained from me. I feel lost. I think about how quickly time is passing and it depresses me greatly. I feel like I haven't achieved enough, and I don't see myself achieving much in the future. I've always wanted to be a lawyer; however, I feel like the effort needed to contribute to that goal isn't worth it, because I will be disappointed in the end. I've never considered giving up before, but now I feel like it is a reality. I'm not sure if my grades will be high enough, and I don't want to try and fail anymore. At the same time I can't imagine doing anything in life besides being a lawyer or going to grad school, which may not be a possibility. I don't know what to do. I'm considering changing universities, but I don't know..I feel like it would be such a failure, and at the same time I'm worried about the consequences. I won't get into them, but I have to say that I really don't want to switch. I really like my university despite the fact that it is comparatively difficult.. I am also worried because I have been thinking of suicide a lot lately. Right now mostly just in a philosophical sense..I'm trying to determine if there are any times that it is legitimate, what is the purpose of life, etc. I'm trying to grapple with some issues but at the same time there is an antithetical drive that suggests such an effort is ultimately worthless. I can't really see myself doing anything like that now, but in 3rd year or 4th especially I can see it as a real possibility. I was in the mall just a few days ago at closing time and they were playing classical music, and there was an indoor pond and I felt such a sudden urge to just merge myself in that element..of course not in the pond, but if I were to commit suicide, I would probably do it by drowning. Either that, or if possible, a needle of some kind..taking pills doesn't offer enough finality.. In any case, I really don't know..it's just thoughts now. I just don't see much of a point to my life, to continue living.. I don't have many close friends. I don't talk with any friends on a daily basis..although my family cares for me a lot. My sister is probably my best friend, and I'm close with my mom. I know my mom would be devastated if anything happened, she would probably go crazy. She's told me this numerous times..she is somewhat depressed herself because she has a disease and her marriage is sorta broken..so it's sorta selfish for me to think of doing anything drastic, because of these ties & the consequences, but at the same time I can't really help it..my parents have such great aspirations for me that I will probably never live up to, and I don't want to disappoint them. I'm just so apathetic..for the first time I'm seeing all my obligations, all of my desires and plans..and saying I don't care. But at the same time I don't know how to deal with this state..I've always been somewhat above the norm, and couldn't really internally justify anything less..I'd rather commit suicide than watch myself graduate and end up working at McDonalds or do something that I really don't want, because I never had the qualifications to achieve what I wanted. I just don't know what to do..I haven't really been eating much lately, or doing homework, and I've been sleeping in later and missing classes. I just don't care anymore...and it's almost 1:00 a.m. and I still haven't started my homework that's due tomorrow, and I know I'm not going to do it. At this point failure doesn't even faze me..I already feel dead inside, what's the point...
  18. i have been in depression for years now....i dont know how to get rid of it...i even tried to be a happy person, but it doesn't help. My life is just really bad, and sometimes a few tears come down each time i think about it which is almost all the time. The thing that helps me get by is that i always try. At home, my family barely cares about me, it is really sad. It hurts me so much how they treat me...how they call me names and say they hate me...always take my money when i barely have any. Instead of encouraging me to do well in life, all they do is put me down. I know that I'm 18 years old and I'm not their responsibility anymore, but why do this to one of your children? Better yet, why even say you hate your own son? My grades at school are alrite, but I'm not that good though. I guess some classes are better than the other. The problem is, i have a bad memory, so when the teacher ask me a question on what happened the other day, i dont know the answer to it and i get laughed at and people wonder how i got in that class because I'm stupid...I don't think I'm stupid...i just have trouble learning some things, and plus the courses are not easy to me...I go to a community college right now. I never planned to. I always wanted to be in a university because i feel that is where i belong....I didn't even try to get in one and that hurts me because i feel like I'm doing a 2nd chance at life here....sometimes i feel i should drop out...the only thing that keeps hope alive is that im under a scholarship. Relationship-wise, all i have is bad luck. I fall in love with the person and i end up getting cheated on and lied to about things which make things worst for me. I really don't know what to do when I'm in a relationship for someone to stay with me and like me for who i am. I'm really a nice guy and whenever i am in a relationship, they say im the best boyfriend they ever had or the best boyfriend in the world because i'm always there for them and make them feel special...the sad thing is, they dont do the same...they take my kindness for weakness and use me. Sooner or later, i get dumped for another guy. Sometimes, i feel that hope is loss.... As far as friends go, i dont have any. All i have is associates....i don't remember the last time i went out and had fun with people....I only go out by myself. I can't go out with my parents much because we would have a good time and then they will find something to argue with me about, and i dont want to hear it. I wish i had friends...someone to talk to....actually i do have one friend, i just hope she will never leave me and change like the others. Every job i get, i end up quitting because i can't stand it. First, i was a cashier, and i had to deal with alot of customers attitudes which will just mess up my day even worst and i couldnt deal with people taking their anger out on me because they had a bad day. Secondly, i got a job loading boxes and irregular objects that weigh a ton. It was a fast paced job and i got sick of looking at boxes come over and over again...it was very tedious and i worked over night. I quit the job recently and now i'm jobless. i do have enough money for little while until i find another job...if i find one. I hope i find one that i like and stay with them for awhile. I'm not going to stay there forever because im majoring in computer engineering at school. There are more things that i didnt mention because i didnt want to make it a really long thread because people wouldn't read it and try to help me....I also would like to state that i did almost commit suicide last week because of my life. It isn't that only time I've tried. It hurts me so bad that I'm like this...i dont even want to be like this...Sometimes i even wish I'm dead and pray at night that I will die soon....I'm a nice guy....why is God doing this to me?
  19. I've posted on here a few times on such topics of suicide, depression, and cutting. Well, I talk with my boyfriend about all of them, because he is the only one i am comforatable talking about it with. But even as we discuss it, it still feels like I'm only letting out a fraction, and no matter how hard i try to explain it, it never feels like everything comes out. It just feels like there is a big black chunk of sadness in me. I want to be able to open up and talk with him and just get everything out once and for all. Got any ideas?
  20. i know with grief sometimes comes thoughts of suicide, cutting, etc. please reconsider. you have no idea what life has to hold for you. things will get better, you'll see, you just have to give them time. go out and talk to someone, get a hobby, make some friends, surround yourself with people, learn to play an instrument..something to get you mind off of the current situation. please talk to me if you want. there is help out htere for you and i promise, you're way too young to end your life now. its a precious thing. please go here you are somebody, evan link removed take care! _________________ this is also a great site link removed peace
  21. i dont know why i have ended up just at this moment at this forum..it seems an odd place to look for advice. Im sure this kind of thing gets heard every day...well, I dont really care I guess. Im a nineteen year old college student, and I should be a happy, outgoing, person..like I used to be not so long ago. Three months ago (give or take), I began to experience strange feelings I had never felt before, I didnt want to leave my dorm room, i shunned my friends, I began withdrawing in general. There was no reason for these things to happen, they just did. I was the type of person I suppose most people in this kind of state despise. I was the quarterback jock in high school, very popular, always ready to party and hang with friends. Now, one year into college, I am on the brink of ending my life, for what reason I have no idea..all i know is that I have a pain inside of me that grows with each passing day, and no amount of medication, drinking, smoking, or partying will make it go away. My thoughts have been increasingly suicidal to the point where I wrote a six page suicide note last night. I never thought of myself as someone who could actually end it, but lately, it seems a distinct and real possibility. Its like im seeing things in black and white, I dont talk to friends, I dont do anything. I quit the rugby team, stopped studying, stopped anything social. I cant stop what seems to be this downward spiral. I cant talk to anyone because of how ashamed I am at what is happening. I am the last person in the world that people would think this would happen to, including myself. I have no faith, I have nothing. The point is, everything is there for me, but i have pushed it away. I wish this pain would go away, I feel like a spoiled &(%# for feeling like this. I dont know. I cant bear the thought of putting my mom through the hell that would come with her son killing himself, so i think of ways to make it look like an accident. I think of my five brothers and sisters. It keeps me alive. However, every night...things get blacker and blacker, I sit on the floor with a razor staring at my arms, wondering if I can make the final step..so far, I have not been able to bring myself to do it. I want to make this pain go away, but I dont want to leave behind me a world of pain for my family. Right now, I would give any object, any amount of money, anything, to not feel the way I do. I dont know.
  22. I'm looking for advice and help. Recently I was told by a friend of someone that I really like that she has a b/f, now I find out from someone else that they have spilit up and are just 'good friends'. I was also told by a mate of mine that she asked about me at a recent party that I couldn't make it to (see topic 'feeling really low' in suicide). I was thinking maybe I could tell her that I just want to be friends... but I'm so unsure about whether she likes me or not... My other opition I thought about was just not to talk to her and forget get about her, but I find this really hard. Can anyone point me in the right direction or give any tips or hints? Thanks in advance.
  23. Untitled You must do whatever I say now, you will finally repay You will suffer for what you did to me, for that you denied me to be the person I wanted to be You made me pound, now I will turn your world around You will be left in the cold, for all the crap that I have always been told You ruined my life, now I will soon get the knife You will be the sucker this time, for that you made me commit all the crime Now I will retaliate, now I will decide your fate I am sorry to see our friendship end, but the broken bones can no longer bend I have taken care of everything, everything except for the sting You All my rage, you made me fight I am locked up in a cage, you turned off my light All my sorrow, you made me sick Soon there will be no tomorrow, you pulled me over by one little trick Now I lie down and dream, because of you I died Rest so I can be able to scream, was it murder or was it suicide? All my sadness, you made me kill Now I have less, you gave me no pill All my control, you won me by fake charm You broke my soul, you only harm All my dirt, you took me down You gave me no alert, you made me drown --Creep =)
  24. My parents split up when I was 19, my middle sister 13, and my baby sister was 10... And my dad has been drinking a lot since then. Im now 22, and im at that age when i drink with my friends...i should be the one who drinks a lot, not my father. He literally gets out of work and goes to the bar every day Thats 5 days a week and never gets home from the bar until 10pm (and he has to wake up at 3:30am) Hes even starting to go out on the weekends and drink, sometimes he doesnt even come home on days he goes to the bar, he has lost a lot of weight and has been a total jerk... He yells about the dumbest things and cares less for anything that has even remotely close to a meaning in his life. He is a scary and abusive person and i dont feel that i could confront him about his problem becuase im afraid he will hit me and not want to stop. He also drives drunk all the time, im afraid hes going to kill himself or someone else... what should i do about this, let him kill himself from binge drinking, or get by butt kicked for confronting him about it.... help!!!!!!!
  25. i am so depressed with my life. everyday is a hole in my heart, always wanting to cry. feeling unloved and lonely. i am devastated with my life. i somewhat want to get help, but i am too depressed for even that. i dont feel good about myself. i am told i am beautiful and smart. but i haven't accomplished anything. i didn't finish high school and i am doing nothing but staying at home all day. i dont have any close friends. my tears are slowly rolling down my eyes and i need someone to talk to. i am scared to hurt myself because i don't want to. but my mind constanltly thinking about suicidal thoughts.
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