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Honey Pumpkin

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Everything posted by Honey Pumpkin

  1. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi ItsAllGrand, I think the most important things are there right in your post - you KNOW what to do, you instinctively are okay with this. Even the fact that you're nervous about what to do, that's really good as well, because you care and you want to help your friend. A couple of observations - let your friend talk, don't offer solutions/remedies/answers, but keeping asking questions sensitively "how do you feel?" "are you having thoughts/reactions you weren't expecting to have which have taken you by surprise?" etc. So that you can get her to talk without overwhelming her. Secondly - I don't know if this is right or not, but you alluded to it - try to not keep referring back to your own experience. Maybe now and again, but as you say, you don't want to inadvertently make this about you. But as you're very well aware of this, I don't think you will do that. It's just that each scenario is different, each reaction is different. I think in difficult circumstances, a friend is someone who is there no matter what. Who asks the questions and wants to listen to the responses. Who knows that there are no easy answers or solutions, but will hold their hand and be there for them On a very traumatic night in my life, a friend sat up with me all night holding my hand. He didn't know what to do or say, but he stayed with me anyway - and I will never ever forget that he did that; I am so grateful to him. I think just sticking with someone no matter what, not getting embarrassed or upset, but just being there, is the greatest gift. Being understanding and LETTING someone vent and react, not having to monitor their behaviour for fear of upsetting you. I'm so sorry for your friend and for you - I hope that things go peacefully for you both. You sound like a fabulous friend, and I wish that everyone had someone like you in their lives. Take good care.
  2. Honey Pumpkin
    I don't think that's healthy, the doing everything you want and give you everything you need. I think it's about being together, loving each other and SUPPORTING each other, but not doing that. There is something in the phrasing that slightly jarred me, to be honest. I'm sorry you don't feel good - but I think your relationship sounds intense and a bit hot house. I don't think a relationship is about devoting yourself to someone else's happiness as such - I don't think you can MAKE someone happy or not, and you can kill yourself trying to achieve that. Maybe you guys need to speak to a third person about your problems? Because there seems to be a lot of giving and expectations in your post.
  3. Honey Pumpkin
    Well done JoJo for standing up for yourself and being upfront and honest - that's really good. I hope that things work out well with your friend, but at least you haven't just pretended that things were okay and opted for an easy life! Take care.
  4. Honey Pumpkin
    Awww, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. But I have to say, he's horrible to you - why are you with him? I think he's going to make you feel worse and worse about yourself, is that any way to live your life? It's hard to let go of someone, no matter how awful they are, but for your own wellbeing I think you have to do that. He sounds mean and cruel, and undermining you. And it's really bad for you. Have you got a good friend/family support network where you live? I think you should call on them right now to help you through this, because I think you do need to completely cut him out of your life straightaway. No one decent behaves like that, or could behave like that. Keep posting here. Take care!
  5. Honey Pumpkin
    I think that it's not an either/or proposition, though. That someone may be interested in getting to knowing you AND wanting sex. But I do see what you mean as well! I don't know, I think it's actually quite a hard one to tell with some people. I think TIME is the biggest factor - if someone is happy to date you for a while (weeks/months?) without sex, then it's you they want to get to know. If someone pressures you to have sex early on, then I guess you've got your answer. I think it's hard to tell - I went out with someone who I thought was typically just after sex, but I liked him. It turned out that he was someone who was prepared to wait until I was ready which took a looooooooooooooong time!! And then on the other hand I've known someone who I thought was a really sweet guy and into me and wanted to get to know me, like you said, and then the moment I slept with him, he vanished like the wind! That's only happened to me once though. So I think it's hard to make generalisations about people's motives and behaviour, because it *always* catches me off guard. I suppose the thing is you have to be responsible for your decision to sleep with someone, and my personal advice is to to take it slow until you feel comfortable that they are who they say they are. Sorry not to be more specific about this - good luck! Is there someone specific that you are referring to? Maybe give us some more information and we can have a bash!!!
  6. Honey Pumpkin
    Are you really smitten with this girl? Because if not - no, I wouldn't go there, there's a lot of red flags in your message. I'm not being mean, it's just that she isn't really respecting you or crazy about you. I think she's seeing you as someone who will put up with her behaving poorly towards you, and 'be nice' to her when she needs it. If you ARE smitten with her, then yes, ask her out, but tread cautiously - I think she might hurt you, given what you've posted here. Take care and good luck!
  7. Honey Pumpkin
    I'm not an expert, but I don't think you're a good candidate for plastic surgery. You are vaguely discontented sometimes with your face, but it's not that specific. I think the issues are about self confidence and go deeper than a feature you're not happy with. Do you see what I mean? I think your unhappiness would shift to something else about your face, if that makes sense. The advice on one website about plastic surgery is this: What are your expectations from cosmetic surgery? Are they realistic? That is, are there just slight aging irregularities that you seek to correct, or is this a way to make up for deeper issues? I think if I would you I would delve a little deeper first. But as I say, I'm really not an expert AT ALL in this area!! Good luck.
  8. Honey Pumpkin
    Hmmm. I have been in this situation myself in the past. And the friend I fell out with for treating me really badly tried to gloss over the past and pretend things hadn't happened. What I did, was arrange to meet her for a drink - just a quick email to say 'I'd like to meet up to talk through things...'. I calmly talked through all my issues with my friend, and made it clear how hurt and upset I had been. It worked really well, because she got the message and I could get past it. Maybe that would work for you? To talk to her and acknowledge there has been this huge problem between you, and work through it together. I wouldn't sweep it under the carpet though - I know that's the easy option for your friend! But sometimes you have to deal with the tricky stuff, and it's good practice to be clear and open and direct. And then if you are still on good terms and have worked out the way forward, you know you have a friendship worth protection and preserving. Good luck!
  9. Honey Pumpkin
    Maybe you should try going to a different yoga class? I don't think I would like myself to be that worked up by a guy, although I can understand where you're coming from. But you know, give yourself a break and don't be around him. That might help ease it for you?
  10. Honey Pumpkin
    Do you feel like this all the time? I don't know, I've been feeling horribly stressed and bad tempered for the last couple of weeks, and I've come up with the following: It's January, and I do get SAD (Seasonal Adjusted Disorder), which I always forget. God bless my mother for reminding me, I thought I was going mad! I am broke after Christmas I am hormonal - just more intense than usual etc So I've been trying the old fashioned things - giving up caffeine and cigarettes, getting more sleep, and giving myself time away from life at the weekends to recuperate. Seriously, this is a tough time of year, everyone here (in Scotland) seems really bad-tempered. Don't beat yourself up about it!
  11. Honey Pumpkin
    Nah, I think it'll be fine. Put it like this, the longer it goes on and the more lies you have to tell to keep it up, the worse you'll feel, until you just have to run away rather than face them! Ask him what he wants to do - he might have a quiet word with his best friend, and ask them not to bring it up again. I don't think it's the big deal you think it is; just be upfront, say you did it for your job, and you've been feeling AWFUL ever since, and can't live with it on your conscience etc. No matter what, you will feel so much better once you've fessed up, honest!
  12. Honey Pumpkin
    Tell him! You will feel better, and you will be in charge of him finding out, rather than him finding out in a BIG crowd at a restaurant, when about twenty people are staring at you and saying 'no, tanya never went to university - why do you think that?'!! Be in control of telling him - and just tell him the way you told us; no one here is judging you, are they? And to be honest, it makes you sound more honest than not in a weird way, that you are not prepared to keep lying about something. He might well respect you more for standing up and saying that you made a mistake, and for valuing him enough to tell him straight. Honestly - bet he is cool with it!! Let us know how you get on WHEN YOU TELL HIM IN THE NEXT DAY OR SO!!! Good luck.
  13. Honey Pumpkin
    I can't quite work out what you're asking - if both partners are up for an 'open' marriage, is it still infidelity, is that what you mean? I don't know - I understand from people who do have an open marriage that for them it's about EMOTIONAL fidelity; that so long as they do not fall in love, the physical act of sex does not equal infidelity. I suspect though that it's rare for a marriage to sustain being open like that for a long period of time with both partners equally happy. I would imagine there is always the danger of emotional attachment creeping in. However, I'm very vanilla, and so the worlds of BDSM etc where I think there MAY perhaps be a different attitude towards having sex with other people is completely outside my experience! I don't think I would be okay with it under any circumstances - but I don't know, life does throw a curveball at you. What if a beloved partner were paralysed and could never have sex again - could you commit to a life without sex ever again? I don't know what the answers are. I think it's true that in life there are more grey areas than anything else. But where I am right now, no, I don't think I would ever be okay with infidelity. Cheers.
  14. Honey Pumpkin
    It sounds like he was tongue-tied around you - which could be that he was really attracted to you. It's quite hard to judge, though, and I think that you want to be careful of reading too much into it, because you can waste time over-analysing one unavailable guy whilst there are lots of gorgeous available guys who are trying to grab your attention! I agree with Arwen, maybe just email him and say a personal 'hi' if you want, see if he responds. If not - to be honest, I'd give it up as one of life's (many!) mysteries! Good luck.
  15. Honey Pumpkin
    Well done - that's really good! You sound very positive, and I'm glad you're starting to heal.
  16. Honey Pumpkin
    The musicians I know practice constantly - I mean, ALL THE TIME. They took lessons. Music is their life. They spend hours and hours practising. It's not something you just pick up and you're great at. Every single gifted performer practises and hones their talent. Not quite sure what you're saying, that you think it should just 'come' to you? As for Beethoven, well of course the guy studied!! "Beethoven's first music teacher was his father.... His first important teacher was Christian Gottlob Neefe. Beethoven moved to Vienna in 1792, where he studied for a time with Joseph Haydn, though he had wanted to study with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who had died the previous year. He received additional instruction from Johann Georg Albrechtsberger (Vienna's preeminent counterpoint instructor), and Antonio Salieri." So go on, give it a go, do some practice and take lessons - you could be a genius!!!!
  17. Honey Pumpkin
    Well, I wouldn't have done that myself, but then again if you call yourselves boyfriend/girlfriend, I suppose that does show some level of trust. Can I ask how old you are? Just because that would be a red flag/more worrying to me if you were a teenager. I wouldn't worry too much about it - he's not likely to turn up on your doorstep if you live in separate countries. And you are planning to meet him in any case? I suppose if you're really nervous, you could change your home phone number, or have it made ex-directory? Maybe it's interesting because it has showed you that this relationship - for all that you're close etc - doesn't *yet* have even the most basic level of trust. I guess that's true for anyone you meet online though. Try not to worry so much - I'm sure it'll be fine.
  18. Honey Pumpkin
    Nope - sorry, I don't think so. What I would do if I were you is to not contact her again, but maybe if she were to get back in touch with you you could be nice to her? I just think you came on quite strong when she was trying to let you down. Maybe try to meet someone else? I don't think chasing this girl is the answer. Good luck!
  19. Honey Pumpkin
    I wouldn't want to have sex and then go back to work necessarily - I might sometimes, but more often than not I probably wouldn't. I don't like to shag and go.
  20. Honey Pumpkin
    I'm so sorry to hear about this, it's an awful thing to deal with. One good quote about suicide is this: "Suicide flies in the face of people's beliefs abut how life is and how it operates" It's hard to get your head around, and the long term effects are profound. There are these references online, which you may find useful - some of the especially seem to be about your situation: link removed A study shows that that it's incredibly hard to deal with the suicide of a parent, and that it's about experiencing the pain, hiding the pain, and healing the pain. The need to hide the pain often interfered with the process of healing the pain. Findings indicate that many survivors of suicide during childhood experience painful, unresolved grief that affects their well-being in adulthood. I would suggest talking to a bereavement counsellor - cruse if you're in the uk are wonderful. I'm not sure what the equivalent is where you are - let me know where you are and I'll dig out some references if you like. Take good care of yourself
  21. Honey Pumpkin
    Don't know, couple of possibilities: She's met someone else (the guy she refers to!) She doesn't fancy you after talking to you on the phone - no spark between you, no fault You're pushing quite hard to be honest; you should have left it much earlier in the conversation. Sorry you're not happy about this girl - there's some gorgeous girl out there just waiting to meet you, and it's a good thing you're not attached!
  22. Honey Pumpkin
    He sounds HORRIBLE. Good for you for moving on. I think that the first few days of anything are hard, because you're getting used to it. The tip I like is to not think of great long stretches of time of no contact, but take it day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute if necessary. It's about breaking the habit. You may feel the urge to contact him, but that fierce urge will pass. Do something else. Take deep breaths and let them out slowly. Drink a glass of water. Post on here and have us all shout at you to not contact him! You CAN do this, honestly.
  23. Honey Pumpkin
    Erm, she's your friend? Tell her that you want to stay in touch after High School. Make plans - maybe try and see each other at the weekend NOW, so you get used to seeing each out of school.
  24. Honey Pumpkin
    Just tell him - he probably doesn't know he's doing it. Make plans with him, and see if he blows you off. Then if he does, just be calm and upfront, and say what you feel. Sometimes we all hold on to these feelings, and don't share them. People aren't mind-readers, you know. We assume that people know what we are thinking and feeling, but they DON'T! If you tell him and he carries on doing it, then you can get mad. But until then, I bet he doesn't even know he's doing it. Good luck!!
  25. Honey Pumpkin
    End the relationship now, and probably try to work out these feelings. Does she have any idea that you're feeling like this? Or have you internalised it all, and it's buried deep down? I see there is a lot of rage and anger in your words - very strong language, and that shows (I think) that you are in a lot of pain, and it's sort of coming out in strange places. I think talking to someone would really help you, because it's almost like you're punishing yourself; there is disgust with your girlfriend, and fear that you won't find someone else etc. It's pretty unhealthy, as the other posters have commented. Maybe focus on yourself for the time being, and start to look at these issues, rather than trying to force yourself into a relatonship you dont' want, and potentially damaging yourself and your girlfriend. Good luck.
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