Honey Pumpkin

Hi Renaissance Woman, Hmmm. I don't know, I've been in debt in my life, and because I've never had anyone to bail me out with money, I've had to learn the really hard way how to budget my money, because that really is IT! You need to write down all your expenses for the month/year. And all your income. Draw up a budget for everything, and be realistic. So include rent, rates, bills, health, phone - EVERYTHING. See how much you have left each month to live on, split it by 4. What I've also done that really helps (picked from tv shows!) is to: i), Write down EVERYTHING I spend each day - you can see how much you spend on coffees/make-up/cards/taxis etc and decide how to cut back ii). Take out your weekly 'free' money in CASH. And when it's gone, it's gone. That helps curb all those little trips to the cash machine iii). Take your own lunch in to work iv). Shop carefully - always have a list and plan what you're going to eat v). Use the library It's actually really liberating to take control of your money, and it becomes a real buzz when you stop feeling out of control. I'm sure you can do it, you just need to sit down and honestly evaluate your financial life and look at everything that's going on, and be realistic about drawing up a budget. Good luck!

Well done!! I admire people who take the bull by the horns (to to speak) and go for it, rather than pining after someone for years, only to then find out they are not interested. Huge congratulations - that took courage, and you got your answer. And it wasn't the end of the world either, so hopefully that will boost you for the future!!

Hiya Shaun, Promised I would come back at lunchtime, didn't I? I think what you should do is to call Child Care Access Hotline 1800 670 305. They are based in Australia, and that's a free number and you can call them in confidence. Do you think you can do that? Just tell them exactly what you've said here. If you can't get a bit of time to yourself in the house to make a phonecall, you can always ring them up free from a call box. They will be much better able to tell you what to do next than I can - and they will listen to what you have to say without judging or over-reacting. PLEASE phone them for me, eh? Otherwise I'll have to worry about what's happening with you all weekend, and a worried HoneyPumpkin is not a happy HoneyPumpkin!! Your dog sounds lovely - Selby is a great name for a dog! Post back here, let us know how things are going - there is always someone here who is going to be able to help you, Shaun. Take care ((((hugs))))

Sorry I've not got more time just now, I'll log back on in a few hours in my lunch hour, and will post a longer reply! I know this seems horrible and difficult, but you're being really brave talking about it here. There are people who can help you sort it all out, and we are all here to listen to you. Back in a few hours!

Hi Shaun, Just had a quick scan online. You should ring Kids Help Line 1800 551 800 first. There's also Child Care Access Hotline 1800 670 305. This is the advice given on a website for young people in your area in your situation, so I'm just going to copy and paste it Shaun: Support for children and young people If you are currently experiencing abuse or neglect, either at home or from others you know, or if you have recently experienced abuse or are afraid of someone, it is important for you to talk to someone who can support and help you. It might be frightening, but it is important that the abuse does stop. Many children and young people who have been abused describe feeling embarrassed, guilty, ashamed and frightened. They worry that they will get into trouble for talking about what is happening. They worry that they will be blamed. All of these feelings and worries may make it hard to talk about what is happening to you. It is very important for you to know that the abuse is not your fault. There are people around you who will understand and can help. It is important for you to talk to someone who can support and help you. You need to find someone who will believe you and help you to decide what you need to do. You may have tried to tell someone and not have been believed or helped. If you keep trying, you will find someone who will believe you and help you to decide what you would like to do about it. You have a right to safety and protection and to have the abuse stopped. You can try talking to someone in your local area You can ring Kids HelpLine – Ring 1800 55 1800 Free Call You can ring Child Protection Services in your state – Follow this link to find out important phone numbers for you to ring depending on where you live. In your local area If you would like to talk to someone you know already or can access locally, it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with and trust. Some suggestions are: Your Mum or Dad A trusted relative Your best friend’s Mum or Dad Other adults you trust The Student Welfare Co-ordinator at your school Your school nurse Your school psychologist Your favourite teacher Your family doctor A psychologist or counsellor you know A local Centre Against Sexual Assault A local Police officer

Hi Shaun, Where do you live? I can give you numbers to call if you like (free and confidential), and they'll be able to give you more advice about what you should do right now. I'm at work in about half an hour, but I'll check back at lunchtime. I know it's really hard for you, but do you think you could talk to an adult you trust? a teacher, a friend, a social worker, a policeman, a doctor? Because you know what, Shaun? I think that you're not being looked after properly by your family, and that really sucks. One of the important things to remember is that no-one deserves to be abused. Another thing to remember is that abuse can be stopped, and we can tell you some of the ways how it can be stopped. Abuse creates all sorts of emotions including feeling frightened, alone, confused, angry, unloved, guilty, ashamed or unimportant. Abuse can be very confusing if the person hurting you is someone you look up to. Also you might feel as though you need the attention given to you by the person abusing you. If something is worrying you or making you scared and you're not sure if it is abuse, it's important to talk to someone you trust. If you're in the United Kingdom, you can call the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000 (24 hour, free helpline). Childline's number is 0800 1111.

Probably best if you take the 99% up to 100% in condom use - plus maybe she goes on the pill? YOu dont' sound as thought you're ready for a baby. But yes, that seems like a good answer. Honest and committed - I would like my partner to say that if I were fretting.

I can't quite work out why you've ended the relationship. Did you ever have a strong sexual relationship, or do you think you were always best suited as friends? I think I'm with your ex, I can't understand why you want to end it so abruptly. Have you both tried couple counselling? Have you tried to resolve your problems? I find it difficult to be sympathetic, to be honest, with lines like this: Seriously, what were you expecting? You have rejected someone you love pretty cruelly, of course she is going to cut you out of her life. Are you sure that this is over? Because I think once she goes, that will be it. It sounds awfully like you are ending this quite lightly. Is there some reason behind your change of feelings? Maybe I've picked you up wrongly?

Hi there, I think what I've learned as I've got older is that there *is* a difference between being kind and being a doormat/pushover. So now, if someone lets me down, I will say clearly "I am not happy about [whatever], when you did that I felt like [whatever emotion.". And usually leave it at that - sometimes there is a lot to be said about being clear about what you feel. You dont' have to get mad or angry, but you can say that you don't like something. I've found that I am respected more by people because I can do that now. I am pretty easy going, so don't take it further than that, lol. But just saying something like "You're 10 minutes late. I was just about to go - I don't wait for people for longer than 15 minutes" (or whatever) in a calm neutral manner seems to work really well for me. I don't think you have to change your nature, but I do think we all need to be able to express clearly how we are feeling (without losing the plot), because you DO matter, and you should be able to say how you feel. Or something like that anyway! Good luck.

I had pins and needles (tingling) in my hands and feet a few years ago. The doctor thought it was potentially Multiple Scelorosis, and after a lot of tests they said it was done to stress (I was having a horrible time!). So I know how scary it is, and I tortured myself with 'what if' scenarios, but everything turned out just fine. I guess you wait and see what the test results say, but there are loads of relatively harmless things it could be. Good luck - let us know how you get on!

Ouch, not good. I want to say that one of my close male friends had a girlfriend who was a bit like you - she didn't like a lot of his traits. I personally felt horrible for him, it was like he didn't come up to scratch. I don't think you can change someone with a checklist like you describe. Some of it is reasonable, I think, some of it just isn't. Maybe you have to accept you're incompatible? I am seeing someone who thinks I am marvellous just the way I am - it's a wonderful feeling, you know. I couldn't cope with someone picking at my flaws, when really they are a different way of looking at things. For example, I too don't have any attachment to material things. I just don't - I never have done. I would hate someone to tell me that I should change that, rather than valuing the fact that I try to cherish the people I care about, rather than things. Sorry, I just feel it's not a healthy way to be with someone. I like being accepted rather than seen as someone who would 'do' if only I could change.

Hi Betrayed Girl, I agree 100% with Ellie - incredibly therapeutic to have written this down. What a great letter! BUT - no, don't send it. What are the outcomes? i). He ignores it ii). He gets back to you and insults you in a new and different way iii). He uses it as an example that he was right to break up with you I've taken letters like this and burned them on a beach, or thrown them out to sea. I like a bit of ceremony in getting rid of something, I must say. But by sending this to him, you're handing him back the power to hurt you all over again. You know he's a jerk, WE know he's a jerk. He's an idiot, and you set it out here. So he's not going to respond at all well, we know that. Please please please don't send it, you will hurt yourself more by doing that. Keep strong, keep brave, keep going. Post here, we are here for you. Take care.

HUGE well done. I cannot begin to tell you how impressed I was reading this post. I really REALLY admire you. That's so much better than another twelve months of hopeless brooding, eh? Fantastic, I felt this was such a great post, you know.

Good for you for posting here instead of sending it! It's hard, and that urge to send innocent little cards is so deep. But if you're anything like me, you are sort of waiting for SOMETHING, a thank you, a text, a call. Well done for not posting it. I quite like the idea of posting yourself a card by snail mail, you know. I think that sounds quite appealing, to be honest. Good luck - well done. You're doing really well! Keep posting here when it gets hard.

Just a thought - it's not someone else logging in as him is it? That happened to me once. Or maybe he's got his computer on and he's away from it - I have turned off the automatic 'away' button as well. Seems a bit odd though. Maybe call him yourself - just a sort of final 'is there a problem?' call; and then move on.

Maybe you should pray for the right woman to come along, no matter what her past/attitudes, and trust in God to send you the right person? Rather than having a custom-made set of rules and lists. Just a thought. What if you are overlooking lots of nice women because you want a submissive, smart, good-looking virgin? (It's the submissive part that bothers me). Also, don't mean to be negative, but most mail order brides (horrible HORRIBLE term, don't know what else to say) are not going to be virgins. You might get submissive, but not the virginity. And isn't it against your religion to effectively purchase another human being? Ach, I don't know, I wish you luck. I just feel you might be setting yourself up for a lot of unhappiness and loneliness. Tolerance and non-judgemental are wonderful qualities in my opinion, so trying not to judge your choices; but equally you might want to try being less judgemental yourself? Just a thought.

I don't know about the height thing - I mean, sure I notice tall, good looking men in the way that I daresay men notice tall, leggy women. They stand out. But I have never quite GOT the fuss that so many women make about height - it really annoys me to be honest. But then I'm short, so most men tower over me anyway, so have never really thought about it. Although having said that, there was one guy I liked who was 6 6, and that just felt really awkward in too many positions. I was conscious we looked a bit odd together, but he never gave it a second thought, and I suppose I got over myself! I did like the way he could reach down stuff from shelves for me though! But no, height is not an issue. That seems so silly to me, to rule someone out over bone length. Very odd thing to judge a potential love bunny on, that they are too short or too tall - what are we all, goldilocks????

I am sure there are women where you live who long for that kind of marriage. I do know ONE woman here (Scotland) who longs for a relationship like that. That's it, though. It's a pity, you seem to want to be nostalgic for a different era. I have a thought, that by setting yourself up for a relationship like this as 'desirable', you are actually deliberately self-sabotaging your chances of meeting someone to have a fulfilling relationship with. It just seems like perhaps you don't want a relationship at all, by putting SO many brakes on it. Your chances of finding a woman like you describe? Remote. You want someone bright, intelligent, good-looking, etc etc, AND to be a virgin, and submissive? It's so specific, that even if she did exist, lived in your area, what are the chances she would want YOU? I just think you are being so specific that you are deliberately making sure you don't meet anyone, and thereforeeee don't ever have to enter the choppy, scary waters or a real relationship with a real woman. What do you think?

I wouldn't see virginity as my most important gift - seems a bit odd, to me. I would agree that there other more important gifts: integrity, commitment, loyalty, fidelity, passion, love, etc. Nor would I see a virginal man as preserving his most important gift for me - there are other things I would prefer (same qualities as above).

How about 'let me know what you think?' or 'It would be great to meet up with you if you're around.' Nice email though

Thanks for the update dizzydoris - I'm *really* glad things worked out okay for you! Well done for being so upfront with him, and you now have a completely fresh slate, which is nice for both of you!

Hi Daligal, I know what you mean - I used to have that happen to me a lot when I was younger, friends venting to me endlessly about their problems. People do confide in me a lot (I think it's because I ask questions and don't judge!) but I have stopped being that kind of sounding board to everyone. I think I realised when I hit 30 that some 'friends' used me as emotional support without ever giving it back, and that's not true friendship in my opinion. For me, a rule of thumb has been - do my friends generally make me feel good about seeing them or not? Because I did have friends who used me, and I realised that they weren't friends, they were emotional vampires. Without being horrible, I got a lot tougher - can't explain it, I just became less available, if that makes sense? Because of course I want to listen to my friends and support them, but not at the cost of my own life. I had one friend in particular who would call me night and day, and I realised when I was going through a very bad patch that she wasn't there for me in turn. It was a difficult thing to realise, but I ended up withdrawing from the friendship, and that was a real eye-opener. It's a difficult act to get right, between empathising and being a good friend, and being a doormat to people who don't ever extend that support back. Good luck - and I thought you phrased your 'rant' very well - very articulate!

I like someone coming around and not staying, but bringing me a bag of goodies - lemsips, orange juice, soup, paper, etc (all cheap!); making me a cup of tea, redoing my hot water bottle and then leaving asap. Makes me feel cherished!! And saying I look frail or something, rather that 'god you look rough!; lol.

Hi there, Huge advances are being made in the treatment of HIV and AIDs all the time; I know a few people who are HIV positive, and they live full and enjoyable lives. The stigma has definitely changed, and the treatments are so good these days, especially in the western world. How are your family/friends supporting you? I just feel that your feelings are *totally* understandable, but I wish that I could put you in touch with people who are living rich and successful lives with HIV, to get you to see that there are alternatives.

I always used to sleep with my girl-friends up till quite recently - you were going to be up all night analysing, talking, giggling etc, so why pretend about it? It's the age thing as well, they have a whole world going on. Lay down boundaries by all means - some great advice here. But think carefully about *why* it's annoying you. Your daughter is 16, and on the verge of leaving your care as a little girl and becoming a young woman. To me, it sounds like you are desperately trying to hang on to the days when you can call all the shots regarding her upbringing. And you will end up fighting for years - is that worth it? If Anne is there all the time, maybe you could ask them to limit it to a couple of nights a week or something. But seriously, it's the holidays, and they have been hanging out together and having fun. I can't quite see why you want to stop all this, unless you have other family activities planned, in which case just tell your daughter this. Your initial post - which you've moved away from a little - about how you want your daughter's friend to sleep in the spare room etc - just let it go. Girls/women do this - it's nice. Friendships at that age are SO intense - peer groups are more important than family to teenagers, it's hard, but it just *is*. Some great posts from other parents here, which made a lot of sense to me. Choose your battles wisely - I don't think this is remotely worth ripping your family apart for, and causing a lot of misery.