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About Me

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  1. I thought I would give a go at this journaling thing. My friends do not partake in online dating and I don't really get feedback from anyone that does. Mostly my friends shake their heads and ask `why?' I've been out of a relationship since May '14 and without rehashing all that has transpired I will say that online dating has changed considerably in the past 3 years. I've taken several breaks, mostly after meeting men looking for casual sex and men who are too afraid to put themselves out there and seem to put me in the drivers seat to pursue them and breath life into the situation. Neither of which I am comfortable with. I am a young (as so I am told) 50 something yr old professional with a rich social life, so I am definitely not lonely. If I sense there is no momentum in a man that I meet I am quick to let it go seeing that I don't have a lot of free time and being with my friends is often a much better option. After my last fail .. well I can't really call it a failed attempt, maybe a valuable lesson with dating someone I mentioned here in previous posts, that I had dated earlier this year and he made a return visit in Oct. He is clearly not ready for a relationship but I am very taken by him and we have amazing chemistry. With that being said he is dating others and at some point these things run their course and I opted out, not wanting to be part of the `rotation' and finding myself engaging in an intimate relationship with someone I did not have a commitment with. Mind you this is the first time in my life I tried to do this and much like I already knew I am not cut out for it. He still texts once in a while and says he misses me, but it messes with my emotions so the more distance I get the better. I wish things were different . . but it is what it is. To keep my sanity during that time I continued to date others (not intimately) and the pace was wearing on me and creating all sorts of unneeded anxiety. During the holidays I pulled my profile but continued to communicate with one person who's schedule is opposite of mine for the time being so meeting was a challenge. During my time off during the holidays we met for breakfast and as much as I really didn't want to go, I was pleasantly surprised. Now 3 dates later my current challenge is to see if this man can open up and let me in. Apparently I make him very nervous and at times he shuts down. I tried dating someone like him sometime ago and I thought in time he might let me in. After several weeks I realized it was never going to happen. What I do like about my new friend is that he has some old school values much like mine, maybe a little more conservative. He noticed I pulled my profile (only for a break) and pulled his as well saying he typically only dates on person at a time to see where it goes. It's nice to not have to interpret someone's intentions and refreshing to know I am not part of someone rotation. We haven't so much as held hands yet which builds up that anticipation part that seems to be so fun and he's a good `dater'. I have met so many men who don't know how to date. .funny as that sounds, but true. I am enjoying this. He is showing me that he does have sense of humor and enjoys giving me a hard time (playfully) I am optimistic that there is someone that I am able to connect with behind the shyness. He has assured me that he is typically not this way and has promised to open up. I still have another friend I will see tonight. T and I have been dating for about 3 months now and as much as I like and I am attracted to him I just don't think we are relationship material. He's gone most weekends to see his son 8 hours away. He's so sweet and endearing but not very active, pretty much a couch kinda guy, very Christian and not much of a social drinker. (my social circle is!) He has a very naïve almost immature quality to him but I feel safe and cared for with him. I often wish I could see him as someone more than a friend but that certain quality is lacking. I don't see him often and have opted out a couple times lately, but I am looking forward to catching up tonight. So this it. . at least for now. I see my shy friend this weekend. M has invited me for a day trip to the local mountains and I am looking forward to it. For now my profile is down . .tomorrow who knows!?
  2. A poetic satire I wrote as a project for my English class portraying irony in the sense of the affects modern day technology, specifically internet has on our current generation. The underlying message is whether developing technology is for the better or the worse. [video=youtube;CxjGIe_ya84] ] Mindless mass of minute details In reference to vapid lives we lead. Brief one-liners and formal acquaintances With internet, we forget to "read". Lack of intimate communication, our only engagements occur online. Is this all really innovation or are we all just blind? Institution becomes obscure, we educate ourselves With Wikipedia and Google, who needs teacher help? Convenience is easy, even scary in a way... Access to all desires, becoming stranger's prey. Posting our identities, dating online... With Facebook and Twitter We lose track of "time". Forgetting who we are Engrossing ourselves in cyber drama When life passes us by, we'll know it was karma. I really thank those that read it. It means a lot to me.
  3. Just got this idea for a fiction book. It would be nothing but a list of all the opening messages that the main character, a man, has sent to different women over a 33-year period on a (fictitious) online dating site. No responses are printed (after all; there are never any; this is online dating The main character has, in fact, begun to use these messages as a sort of anonymous journal with very short entries. But each one is addressed to someone's username and makes references to something in her profile (thereby providing some humorous references to the kinds of things people on online dating sites tend to write in their profiles), and ends with a "confident" ending like "Write me back! Look forward to hearing from you." As the book progresses, the guy goes through different "phases" as to the kinds of messages he writes. Sometimes he goes through negative phases and writes insulting messages to people over a period of several weeks. Sometimes he flips the other way and tries to "win them over with kindness". He's always sort of trying to elicit a response, but at the same time knows it will never come and lets loose with the occasional deep personal tidbit. As he tries to be "spontaneous" in his messages, he will naturally mention various things presently going on in his life. The reader can learn about his backstory, interests, family events, triumphs and tragedies; etc. You will see him go through personal phases, life phases and changes of interests. For example, at one point you will realize that he has caught a serious disease, because he starts to include a sentence in all his messages like "In the spirit of honesty, I should inform you that I have cancer, but my doctor believes there is a likely chance that I can beat this. Here's hoping". In future messages you will find out the progression and end result of his struggle against the disease. Of course, over a 33-year period, there will be many changes to the dating website itself: new features, new search mechanisms, some of which he likes and some which he doesn't. You'll find out about them by reading his messages (e.g. "Please respond via email; I have an older computer which does not work with this site's brainwave thing - and I don't think that's real communication anyway.") - or something more realistic. What do you think?
  4. *************************** ~ online dating algorithm ~ *************************** 10 write to girl 20 wait for reply 30 goto 20 40 get married
  5. this woman messaged me on this one dating site i am on. she got in touch with me first. we had exchanged a few messages via the website and now it's moved onto emails. we seem to have had good conversations and in her last email, she included her phone number and said we should meet at some point. from what i have seen from her pics, she seems ok - attractive wise. personality wise, it seems like we'd get along although i don't know how much we'd have in common. i am kind of taking a chance on her and seeing what happens with no real expectations. well i guess there are *some* expectations as she did get in touch with me on a dating site, not a friendship site. in her pictures, she only has shots of her from the waist up, and in my experience, that usually means she's hiding something that she doesn't want people to notice. but whatever. anyway, i was thinking about saying that if we meet up and there's no spark or attraction for either of us, then there would be no hard feelings from me and i hope none from her. i am hoping that this would take some pressure off meeting up. i have had experiences where i have met someone from online and they look very different from their photos - worse, not better. so is that a bad thing to say? please let me know. thanks!
  6. Just a quick question for you all.. I linger here a lot when I should be working I come in this section as well and I am wondering: When you meet someone Online and it's awhile before you actually physically meet. If you consider yourself a couple, when do you establish the anniversary? When you actually met? or when you first met online? (even if it started as a friendship) Just curious
  7. Ok, so I have been back in the dating scene now for about 2 months. I've been on a lot of dates and have become comfortable with dating and asking women out. I've gotten much of my self confidence, charm and flirtatious nature back. Dating no longer scares and I am able to be interesting, outgoing and genuinely entertaining (if I say so myself I've been frustrated recently. I remember the feeling I had when I met my ex. She had so many qualities I look for in a woman. There was just something about her. When we talked, we were both engaged in the conversation and genuinely, truly interested in what each other had to say. She was pleasant, made eye contact and while I made sure to focus on her and her life, she did the same thing. The meeting, the conversation, even the goodbye was textbook romance. Each day we IMd each other, called each other and our times together were truly romantic...there was a genuine connection. Then, she said to me something that made me sure I wanted to be with her. She said "Orlander, I want to know everything about you." Where is that? I'm so tired of meeting women who are SOOO wrapped un in themselves, who talk only of themselves or who dont even show a phony interest in wanting to get to know me. I can't tell you how many emails I sent out to women on Match and have gotten back replies that basically answer the questions I wrote but didnt ask me anything. I think i am all but convinced that online dating services only work if you are looking to hookup or on the rebound. I feel like there are 100 guys trying to nail each single girl. Hell, even my ex managed to find someone almost immediately after moving back in town from college and I was SHOCKED when i learned that. Seems like these guys are coming out of the woodworks like cockroaches. I'll admit that I'm a little picky. I am looking for someone in her mid to late 20's, who isnt involved with anyone, doesnt have children but wants a family, is cute, who is active and is open to falling in love and being in a loving relationship. I admit that I tend to go for women on the slender side. I've tried to remain positive and have faith that when I am ready love will find a way. To be honest I was not in a good place to receive the love of a woman prior to recently, but now that I do know I am ready for it...where is it? It's been over a year and a half since I became single. I really hoped I would be engaged or married by now and my ex would still be looking. Now, I am sure she has the man of her dreams and the perfect relationship and I have nothing. Just venting, I guess. I hate to admit that most of my adult life I was surrounded by women who were eligible, cute and potentially loving and who wanted to get to know me, but I either blew them off or treated them badly. For so many years I was looking for the perfect woman. I thought I even found her once and after a few months discovered that I had lost interest even in her, just like the rest. I dont think i really understood what love was until recently. So, is it Karma? am I being punished by God for my past actions? It feels that way sometime. Everything happens for a reason, but I'm ready for love and would die to hear a woman say to me again "Orlander,I want to learn everything about you". So, this is part of the healing process? Am I just supposed to keep pursuing someone who may not show much interest in me initially in the hopes her level of interest will change? How many people have relationships that started out like the one I described with my ex? It seemed perfect. When we finally feel ready to be in a new relationship. I want to fall in love and get to know everything about someone and ive never felt that way before. Guess I just need to be patient and keep trying. Orlander
  8. What a long and unsuccessful journey it has been. I still have not found a reasonable partner since my last one about 3 years ago. That relationship was 4 years btw, but she left me for a much older guy and had his baby at age 21. Anyhow, here is what I did find online though..... (the complete list!) (and no, I have not found a date at all since that 4 year relationship unless I found the person online) May '04: Denise: I had gotten out of a 4 year relationship 6 months prior to meeting her and when I met her in person she was extremely desperate. She ended up asking me out the day I met her. She was somewhat bad looking, but not overweight so I agreed thinking that maybe she would look better the next time I saw her. She even kissed me that same day and it was gross, but I went with it for a month thinking that she might fix herself up. She ended up inviting me to her prom and I went since I had never been to one before. Shortly after that I left her because I just wasnt able to like her in that way. I figured that I would try to work things out with her initally since she was the first girl interested in me in 6 months. In other words I wanted to give her a chance and see if I could like her. That was a killer mistake. She was also a total prude. I gave her oral and she did not even return the favor, ever....She was kind of mean at times too. Jan 05: Amanda: hung out several times. Was attracted to her. Asked her out eventually and she said no and that she was not currently looking for that type of relationship. (This is where I took a little break from online dating. I guess you can say I sort of gave up. By '06 I resumed my journey.) April '06: Gena: Was very good looking. At first she seemed really into me but when we actually hung out things changed. She started playing crazy mind games with me so I could not figure out if she was interested or not. I never asked her out because she always acted more interested in other guys and not me. May '06: Janice: Hung out with her once and she was not that bad looking, but I decided I did not like her as a person. I feel she felt the same way as she got in her car and ditched me when she had the chance. I never heard from her again. May '06: Nicole: Was somewhat overweight, and not good looking but actually pretty cool. She was a little bit clingy and obviously was trying to get with me. I tried to show that I was not interested and eventually I lost touch with her. May '06: Ashley: was gross looking, but not overweight. I kept contact with her because she had a hot friend that I was trying to get with. I found out that her friend was whorey though, so I never asked her out because she was such a swinger. I did kiss her friend though at her own request, but that didnt last long as she said I was a "bad kisser." I still hang out with them periodicly. November '06: Jen : Hung out with her twice. I was attracted to her. The first time she seemed interested and made plans to hang out with me again. After the second time she stopped talking to me and I found out a couple days later that she had found a boyfriend. Febuary '07: Melissa: Was overweight and I was not attracted to her. Was extremely clingy and would not leave me alone. She would call me at 6am up until 2am multiple times a day. The text messages were even worse. I did not want to hurt her feelings and I totally would have hung out with her as a friend if she was not so clingy, but I had no choice but to ignore her calls since she was so annoying and I could not deal with it. I think she was obsessed with me. I don't find this pathetic since its impossible to meet my type of woman in a bar. Also, note that I will meet anyone in person regardless of how bad their pictures/profile actually are. I do this because there is such a thing as bad pictures or a bad profile. I give everyone the same opportunity. I feel that by the time I meet the 100th girl online things will actually work out Agree? Disagree?
  9. Lol the best feeling in the world is finding something out about your ex that makes your day and changes you as a person. I wrote earlier this morning that I had seen his profile and on the dating site you can send what they call roses... he had sent (1) already. I thought they were little roses that show up at the end of a message. Well I was curiouse and I sent one to myself and what they actually are is these big pictures of a rose with a card saying be mine. LOL here I am feeling lonely and blaming myself for losing him and it's only been 2 days and he's sending "roses" to chicks. I should be upset but really Im happy. I'm not that pathtic that 2 days later I'm trying to hook up with the next guy I see like oh better start the haunt again. It also shows me that here I was holding on and feeling bad when he had no respect for me or our relationship to be on there so damn soon and to be doing that. I'm going to be just fine. And I think for now I will give the internet dating a rest (I deleted my profiles) I may be alone but I want to find someone in life not through a screen.
  10. So i met this girl on a dating site. I sent her an email. She sent an email to me. We started emailing each other for about three dyas. She seemed great. Now I am not a shy person, and felt that the emailing was sort of killing what would be a very cool first date so i asked her to grab a drink one night. She was psyched and agreed. we made plans and she gave me her phone #. The first time we were supposed to meet she had to reschedule due to working too late, but we quickly made it for another night. Then the night we were supposed to meet.....she stood me up. I text'd her at the bar and got a text back saying she was sorry but she had just got out of work and that her scheduel was busy lately. I sent a text saying well how about a drink? Nothing.....then i sent a text saying no big deal, but if you want to meet up sometime let me know. Now I'm new to this stuff, and this is the only girl i have found mildly interesting. Should i let this go? Send her an email? She seemed so into it? Is this typical?
  11. Ok. I've thought about this for a while and feel maybe it would be helpful to share this story with other ENA's in case you guys have any advice on how to properly get back on track after dating what I think is a specific personality of a BAD man to date. Have you ever dated a man like this, and if so, how did you recover so that you did not lose your ability to trust? A few months ago, I met a man who at first I thought was the man I had been waiting for a long time. He was very smart, a great conversationalist, tall and gorgeous, seemed to be remarkably sane from a good family, cultured (had lived in 4 countries for a substancial amount of time), charming, sweet and even a bit shy. He seemed to really be taken by me, too, and he called me every night and emailed me every day. At first this was much for me, but we seemed to connect so well, we talked for long amounts of time on everything. The holidays were approaching, so we both had the extra time to get to know one another. We had met online, and I noticed he had deleted his profile right away after meeting me, so I deleted mine as well. I certainly had no interest in seeing anyone else. He made me believe I could fall in love with him. I was really, truly blissful. I had not been this excited about someone in EIGHT years. He talked about coming down to meet my family, and seemed completely smitten as well, calling me all sorts of endearments and again, calling me every single night of the week. I thought it was all too good to be true, but I felt relaxed and so thrilled to have met him. He seemed very shy, and inexperienced despite his age (26), and after a while I noticed how he was sort of self-absorbed and would liken a lot of things to himself...including me. He also talked about his father incessantly, as if he wanted to BE his dad. I later learned he did the same exact type of work as his dad. We spent a weekend together and the next morning (a Monday), he seemed weird when we said goodbye. I didn't think much of it, but he brought it up in conversation later that day, apologizing and saying he was in a weird mood because he was late to work and his boss had called him to yell at him for it. I thought nothing of it and was not concerned. I did not hear from him for a couple of days, and I started to get a really bad feeling, especially since we had just slept together for the first time. I called him one night during that week and he was getting into bed, with no intention to call me (when he used to frequently). I asked him if he was having second thoughts about us. He said no, not at all. I said ok and that was that. But then he did not call again that week. He sent me a short email saying he was sick and busy at work and would call me from the airport, because he was heading home to visit his family for the holidays (2000 miles away). By then, I was rather annoyed so I didn't bother replying to tell him I wouldn't even be home, because I was visiting MY family 300 miles north. But then I was going through old emails and I found one of his. It had a link in it to his old profile on the dating site we had met on. For some reason, I clicked on it. I was shocked to find out that his profile was back up! Not only that, but it revealed that he had been actively using it within the last day (you know, while busy at work and sick). I was shocked, so I called him. I asked him if he was on there to date other people, because if he was, then he should have told me about it. I said I didn't care if he dated other people, but don't lie to me and say you are not. He denied using it, I don't think he knew what to say. I then mentioned I was leaving town for a few days. He said he had to go and to call him back that night. I did call him that night, got his voicemail, and left a number where he could reach me at my family's over the holidays. Of course he did not call. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas in tears. I thought we had a budding relationship. I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I thought he was sane, reliable and honest, and that he liked me. I'm not a stupid person. He seemed to have gone to too much trouble simply to sleep with me. This was something else. I didn't know what, but I was confused and very hurt. I felt I had let myself down by not judging him better. But there was no way for me to have seen this coming. When I got back to my home, I saw that he had called and emailed me. I called him back. I questioned him on what happened and he said 2 things. One is that he had talked to his dad (see previous part about that) and apparently, for some reason, his dad had talked him into moving accross the country back to their hometown and working with his dad or something like that. I thought that was weird since he had originally stated he left his hometown 6 months ago to pursue "something deeper" ie grow up and move on. But now he was moving back because his dad told him to quit his job at his current location? #2 was that he said, he could not explain why, but that pieces of conversation were falling into place for him, and I seemed "cynical". I almost laughed aloud when I heard that. I said I had no idea you had a problem with me. So he goes, "Surprise" with a ringlike tilt in his voice. He actually said "Surprise"! Surprise, I sleep with you, tell you I am falling for you, court you every night for the past month, make you my girlfriend, and then leave you out in the cold for the holidays. Surprise! Surprise, indeed. I choked as I was hearing this-- I didn't know to laugh or to cry. I had already cried my heart out over Christmas, so I had no tears left. Then he goes, well I might be moving but I still want to date you. * * *? I was angry by then but I was still in shock, so I just got off the phone politely. I didn't talk to him after that, and then it was New Years. He called me on New Years, from his taxi, on his way back from the airport, back from his demigod father's. I asked him why he was calling. I had written him a terse email ending things officially, but he had not read it (or so he claimed, but now I wonder). He wanted me to hang out with him that day! I was like, ummmm, no. 1 week later, I was leaving for a long trip out of the country. I was leaving from an airport in his city, not in mine (we lived about 1 1/2 hour away). I stupidly agreed to stay at his place for reasons beyond the scope of this post. He wanted to make out, of course. I guess by then I was still so upset about it that I figured it was my last goodbye. I didn't regret it (I regretted everything before it, so it didn't matter). After that, he emailed me once or twice, I answered half-heartedly, and then after a lapse in conversation, I just said he was not a stable person and I wasn't interested in dating him at all. He never wrote back. Now he is back on the dating site, but stated as living 2,000 miles away. I only noticed because I went back on the dating site, determined to date again and get past that awful experience. Of course I was very hurt and spent a lot of time feeling angry and remorseful. I realized this person is a Narcissist to the 9th degree, and it is most likely that the whole thing was an effort to boost his ego at my expense. Which makes me feel ashamed and stupid, for letting it happen. But when you are falling in love, do you ever stop to think the person you think you love is a total liar who is just out to make you love him because he lacks the security to feel good about himself unless he is using someone else? Really? The thought didn't occur to me, either. So, here's the real problem. I came back from my trip and started to date again, thinking I would ease into the dating field, have some fun, meet people but not get into anything too serious. I knew I had residual anger about this other person, but I figured it would go away as time passed. Then I met someone I actually liked. I thought, cool, we can have fun together, he seemed pretty laid back. But 2 weeks into dating me, he started to pressure me into going exclusive, and seemed to REALLY like me (seemed-- I can't tell if someone likes me now so I am confused on that). Then he mentioned he is leaving accross the country in a few months. What does this start to feel like to me? I completely flipped on him via email, reamed him out for wanting to be exclusive when he is leaving (he mocked me for not living life when I said no), and then put him in the role of the other guy, making it seem like he is just out to use me for his own benefit. Of course he does not take to that kindly, and I now feel absolutely mortified at how I have reacted to this. Obviously, I am scarred from the man before him, and I am trying to backpaddle as quickly as I can and not flip on someone who did not deserve it. He (the new guy) apologized for the misunderstanding between us, and seems to actually be a good guy-- I would like to at least get a friendship out of it. In the meantime, how do I redevelop the ability to TRUST again?
  12. Would someone please define the following term for me. I have apparently been out of the dating pool too long. "Casual Relationship" I see this term used on a number of online dating services but can't seem to put my finger on exactly what it is these folks are looking for. Thanks All!!
  13. Hi fellow eNotAloners, My absense has been a sign that I've been living my life. Slowly, I got back the rhythms of eating and sleeping and finding my job interesting. It's been 6 months since the break-up. A large part of the hope to start living life again was supplied by taking a decision to post a profile on an online dating website and the people it started to bring me in email contact with. That's all changed after my first date with someone over the weekend. It had a bad outcome, and I've lost a great deal of hope again. We talked avidly for a way longer than it took us to eat -- we both made each other laugh -- she's a very nice girl. A day after the date, she emailed to say in the kindest way she could, that she doesn't see us being any more than friends. That's where the great disappointment hit me. I don't look any different to my picture on the online profile. She knew I'm slim in appearance, how tall I am, all that. So no surprises to vex her. The simplest answer is sometimes the truest - maybe at the end of it all, she didn't feel that chemistry. I was in despair after receiving her email. I couldn't eat last night, nor this morning, and though it may sound extreme, was in no position to come into work until the afternoon. It really has hit me hard. Not so much this one girl. It's not all about her. Somehow online dating had given birth to a kind of optimism that here was another route to meet people who genuinely want a serious relationship in their life. And it's that optimism that died for me last night. Friends tell me online dating takes time, sometimes years to find a suitable person. I don't know if I have the strength for that kind of long haul. Add to that the fact that I'm simply not going to get that many hits - I'm non-white, and starting to get a sense that a lot of white women simply see my profile and click away from it because being with a non-white person is not something they picture themselves doing. Guys, I'm not trying to make this a woe-is-me story, because I've been trying hard to stand up again. Last night I broke down. I couldn't see ahead anymore. Would very much like to know from any others who've weathered the emotional storm of trying to meet/date someone again after a trainwreck's happened in their life. Just need some support from you all who've been there. Thanks to everyone.
  14. Hi, I am 25 and I met a guy on a dating website. He is 28. He's only seen a head shot of me. The problem is I've put on some weight and I'm kind of fat. It doesn't bother me that much, but I am trying to lose it. I am worried though that he's going to be disappointed when we meet. I am wondering if guys can overlook weight ever? Also, what do you recommend to keep conversation going on the first date? Any help is appreciated. I am in med school and he is a lawyer. We are both well educated and both seem to have good sense of humor. Other than the fact that I am overweight, we may be a good match. But how much emphasis do you place on that? Thank you.
  15. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. He has cared for me deeply, but we were having so many fights, etc...it was just causing emotional drama for both of us. Yes, a lot of it was my insecurity, but he is also a workaholic-pursuing his dreams (career wise). i've been supportive, but the work/career/dream thing did not allow us time to get to know one another. He often worked nights, weekends, having to break plans b/c of this. I kept asking him if he saw a future...he asked me to stop pushing. it kept a wall b/w us. we were trying to get back on track, but my insecurity kept pushing him away. he kept saying he thinks b/c i hate his working so much, maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship right now. our passion and deep compassion, caring was there, but the wall was up. this has been since january. last friday, i ended it finally, because i couldn't take the pain of knowing the inevtiable reality of the relationship. as he clearly stated. he e-mailed me wed. wanting to be friends, letting me know how he was hurting, in pain, and couldn't concentrate on work, and would love to have me in his life as a friend and if i needed anything to please ask. he wanted to send me photos of our trip. i was hurt, i e-mailed back saying i didn't think it was a good idea to be friends, and that the i'm glad it ended it rather than drag it out, that i'm looking for to be out of the apt as soon as i can find another place and that I hope he finds his dreams, etc... simple direct and non-chalant. tonight, i went out with a g-friend for dinner, came back and just came accross this dating site referred by a diff. girlfriend. to numb myself, i filled it out-i didn't put up or fill out the info, just wanted to check it out to feel better. you answer all these questions and get matched with people. who do i get matched with? him! out of thousands of men. what do i realize? he posted this yesterday (put up a film we just saw last week-our last date), placed three photos, filled out the complete profile, including responding to over 500 questions. I'm feeling confused and quite devastated. yes, i was on the site, feeling depressed, but did not have any intention of dating yet. I am not actively looking...nor did i post anything. and i am the one who got the line, supposedly from the most honest person i know, that he is too busy for a relationship. i am devastated, renting his apt. (he lives in another home), and feeling completely horrible. can someone clarify his behavior? why is he doingthis, when he clearly stated that he would not date anyone b/c of his work/financial situation? in addition, he is online at the dating site where we met, where he knows I may be using, too. ok., yes, i logged in there to check up on him-after i saw him on this site.
  16. A while back I posted that a couple people on OkCupid had pretty much stopped talking to me after a while and it was frustrating. As it turned out, one of the women was just getting away for a while, and we started talking again. I've since found out that we have a lot of things in common (which I could tell from talking to her originally but even more so now). We're talking just about every day now through MSN and IRC (one of the interests she shares with me) and I'm really starting to like her. The only problem? She's in Ohio, I'm in Ontario. Now, this sort of thing was never planned on my end; Lord knows that I wanted to avoid long distance relationships like the plague after my previous one. But such is the issue with the internet (and for the record, she initially messaged me). I don't want to close off my mind from anything, and we're in such an early stage right now that I don't imagine this will come up for a while. That said, I'm a bit nervous. I put so much into my last relationship only to have the distance (among other things) simply be too much for her. I certainly don't think this new person is anything like my ex and I don't want to compare them, but I do know the huge issues faced if we do get into a relationship and want to get together... border crossings, problems with customs, you name it. Am I just overthinking this? I just find that this sort of thinking is preventing me from opening up to her. If she was in my city, I would have asked her out a while ago.
  17. Ok here is the deal. I have been with this girl for almost a year, but she seems to be trying to destroy our relationship for some reason. We live together.... Now, we met online I visited her a few times and decided to move up here. We got an apartment together, and were actually making a long distance relationship turn into a real one.. Anyway since day one she has been acting very secretive. She still talks to her ex, who subsequently hasnt gotten over her. I tell her it bothers me yet she still talks to him behind my back.. She also constantly flirts with other guys, and when I bring it to her attention that it bothers me she turns the tables on me and makes me feel guilty for having feelings. She has really never had any relationships that last longer then a year and takes pride in that fact. She is very secretive, says its because she wants her independance and privacy... Yet lying about where you have been and who you are talking to does not fall under privacy.. I guess I have serious trust issues with this person.. No matter how well I treat her she still goes out of her way it seems to disregard my feelings. Now my question is this, why is this girl out to ruin every relationship she is in?? She cheated on the ex that still talks to her... The last boyfriend got fed up to. It's almost like no matter how good she has it she tries to dismantle any relationship she is in... I am not used to dealing with someone who when communicating my feelings to them they give me the cold shoulder and go out of their way to hurt me. I know you can say well just leave her.. Well it's not that easy.. Im in a foreign place, know virtually no one, and would not be able to get a place with just my income at the present time. So in essense she has me by the balls and knows this.. I think it may be partially the reason she acts the way she does.. After all she can do and say as she pleases.. Where am I going to go if I get fed up?? The street? Any and all advice welcome, I want this to work, but how can it when she appears to distance herself whenever someone gets too close.
  18. I had a personal ad on a dating site, with no pitcure, and my ex of six years answered it. Oh My God. I have been mostly NC (aside from him coming to get my kid, whom he has helped raise) and seeing each other at neighborhood gatherings. I think I want to get back together. I know he does. The good things: He is part of my life, he is trustworthy and loyal, we have a great time traveling and doing stuff together, he loves my kid, he loves me, and we are all part of the same small, tight-knit community. It is all such a mess right now. He broke up with me, left me a note actually. This has happened about four times. He just FREAKS OUT and starts with this long list of all the ways I've wronged him. He never mentions these things in real time. And some of the things are just nutty - he complained to friends that he brought fish to my house for dinner and I didn't give him a big enough piece! This was apparently years ago! When we are together, we almost never argue. Then, its like his brain chemicals get all weird and he flips out. He always rewrites the story to say I broke up with him. We did counseling just once and it was terrible,he just had a nonstop stream of blame. My counselor didn't call him on it, and I was very hurt. After a while (months), he kind of comes back to himself and acts normal. He wants to go to counseling now, with a different counselor. Maybe there is a way through this? I have been dating other guys, and having some fun, but no one feels right to me. He feels like my mate. I'm kind of scared to go to counseling. I have had SIX MONTHS OF HELL over this. But then again, I think if he died tomorrow and things were still this way, that we never got closure or got to the bottom of things, I would feel terrible. I never answered the personal ad, and I didn't tell our mutual friends, because I thought it would embarrass him. What do you guys think?
  19. I have had it pretty hard my whole life and when I was younger it was always easiest to make lemonade from the lemons life handed me, but now I have l have forgotten how or just can't do it anymore. I blame myself for alot of my problems and i feel like I always trust too much and make the wrong decisions.I guess at this point my mind and body have had enough and I have decisions to make yet again and I don't know which way to go.Here is my story. I got married when I just turned 16 years old to a guy I thought would never hurt me, he was this average looking guy, he was sweet and a nerd. I was beautiful, I could've gotten any guy I wanted, but I picked him.We had our first child within 2 years of being married, I had complications from toxemia, I was in the hospital for months and i went from 112 lbs to 320 lbs in 9 months. I finally gave birth and our lives seemed so complete,they really did. My daughter was almost 2 years old when my mom went into gastric bypass surgery, something went wrong and she never came home she died there after 3 months of suffering in ICU, my beautiful mother of only 43 years. It was just a few months after this my husband and i decided to go to be near his family, I was having problems with my dad at this time because he moved in a 23 year old girl 3 weeks after the funeral and told his 5 children not to come around if they disagreed and I disagreed so I left. We moved from Florida to minnesota and it was just 8 months later that my husband who i adored just never came home, I was pregnant with our second and it was 3 weeks before christmas.That morning I called his mom worried sick out of my mind of what could've happened to him and she told me like it was nothing "that yeah I know, I told him to leave you". I was crushed, I cried for the first 6 months. We did the divorce uncontested, I had physical custody etc. I then went home to be with my family.At this time as bad a things could be, it was just 3 weeks later my dad died. I didn't speak to him for the year and a half prior because of this girl that he moved in and still have guilt about it.I actually lost my hearing for 3 months after this, the doctors couldn't tell me why, but I figured maybe emotionally, mentally. I tried to go on with my life, I was still pregnant and had to think of my kids. I finally gave birth and moved on until I had to take my new baby girl to get her shots and this is when my real nightmare began, like how could my life get worse right? I rushed my daughter for a brain scan becasue the doctors told me she probably has a brain tumer and again what could be worse right? She actually wound up with lissensephally the doctor told me she would never walk, talk, go to school and that she was gonna die before the age of 2, again I was crushed. I had lost my mom,my family,my husband, my father and now my baby was gonna die. I just kept thinking "it's a lie there is no god and if so he's cruel and i hate him". I then asked my ex mother in law to help me with my sick child, because her insurance was in another state and a doctor here had just killed my mom, like I wanna trust anyone hear and maybe i just didn't want to believe it. My ex mother in law immediately came and got my daughter and asked me if she could take my oldest too. She told me that I needed a break and some time to grieve, I though how wonderful that we can get along and that she was willing to help me. My ex's mom held me off, she talked me into signing over my sick child to her for adoption for medical purposes and that I could still be her mom and make decisions etc. It was just 3 weeks after this that I was to pick up my oldest daughter, when they kidnapped her and brought me in front of a judge for an emergency hearing for temporary custody. They had aledge i abused her,very vague violent environment,even my daughters therapist said there was no abuse, but nothing mattered, even though this judge was blocked from my case and after removed her decision still stood.they now had custody and both my daughters We then went through a 2 year court battle, they had attorneys I didn't, I had no family to help and was getting very ill with kidney problems and even though we lived in florida, minnensota took juristiction so I was stuck traveling. It was the last court date that I went into default and by only 3 hours because of detours in wisconsin, I was in defualt he won. after all the claims that I abused her, my ex admitted i didn't and used the excuse I might kidnap her if I had visits unsupervised. So we got joint with him having physical and I had supervised. From the moment this happened my ex started to move with my daughter, 25 different addresses in 5 different states. He refused any contact between my daughter and I at any time.On 2 different occasions he took my daughter and moved to be with some girl he met online. This last time i found him, I found out the real reason he did this to me, he has himseld and his new"not wife" as he calls her looking to form cults and find other women to join them in practicing polyfidelity or polyamory!!!! I have written 1000's of letters to state official, lawyers (for pro bono) and over 400 emails to my ex begging him to let me even talk to my daughter. I can't even get the police or DHS to do a welfare check on her, nobody cares.Now my daughter is dressing goth and admits that they exposed her to court documents(which we know are the letters they wrote to gain custody)and she mirrors these when she talks and she believes i have been in a mental institution this whole time (I was never institutionalized)and she hates me, she hates me like I am I would say the devil, but she likes him so I guess like as if I were a god. I dunno how else to describe it.In the mean time I have been trying to work with her phychiatrist to let her see the truth and posted documents on myspace as well as emails that were harassing in nature that were sent to me by other poeple in my daughters life.I am now being sued for libel by my ex husbands ex wife who to this day rubs it in my face that my daughter hates me and I even havean email from my daughter where this woman called me a {Mod Edit} and my daughter laughed and said she agrees.This woman works with people for home studies and baker acts people!!!!!! my daughter she laughs at how they treat me and treats me the same. My daughters phychiatrist said she wouldn't agree to custody change cause my daughter has no relationship with me!!!! My daughter is now 15 and claims she will never talk to me or see me again and I am not her mother, she also told me that when she turns 18 she will NEVER see me again. I still live in florida, they are now in wisconsin. I have had close to 50 surgeries for my kidneys and back. I had a real bad accident a few years ago and i a still in recovery, I actually had to learn how to walk again and almost lost my leg. I have no money to fight with an attorney or for travel and nobody cares to help. I am so depressed, part of me wants to fight and the other says screw it why bother the damage is done. I already lost 1 daughter to them and now another. I don't think I ever even have had a moment the grieve over my parents or my babies death. I know that my daughter reads my emails, even though she doesn't respond anymore, but I can't keep talking to air and i dunno what else to say and i don't think I am thinking clearly with all my heart ache to talk to her w/o adding so many feelings. I need some help/advise either way. I am hoping someone reading this can direct me somehow with my feelings, I can't take all the health problems, headaches, 2 packs of tums per day etc. What can I do to make my life and this situation better?dee
  20. Since this is my first post, let me start out by telling you a bit about myself. I have been married for a little over 6 years and have 3 young children. My wife and I met online 7 years ago. Now, on to the things I need some help with... My wife was adopted by her grandparents when she was a young child and was given everything she ever wanted. She always got her own way and never had to work for a thing. My life was totally different. I grew up in a single parent household where money was tight. My wife is now living that kind of life with me and our children. I am currently out of work, for reasons I will explain in a bit, and with 3 children the little money we have coming in doesn't last long. Just this morning we had a fight about money. Just a couple weeks ago we got our tax return and a settlement check for my wife and daughter getting hit by a car late last year(both are fine). Since getting this money, my wife has gone on a shopping spree. She told me a few days ago that the remaining money in the bank could not be touched, but she was able to get some money out last night for us to go out with a few friends. It is close to the end of the month and we are running low on food. Thanks to family we will make it the rest of the month, but we should not be in this situation. I am totally controlled in this relationship. Nothing happens unless she says so. The reason that I am out of work is because I had to take a leave due to her having to go out of state for a family emergency. I could have got my job back when she returned but she decided that she wanted to work while I stay home with the kids. Since that time, she has gone on one interview and I've turned down 2 jobs. Another thing that is causing a strain in our relationship is our kids. The walk all over us and there seems to be nothing we can do about it. They've destroyed every place we've lived in, including where we are now. There just seems to be no stopping them. The final thing that is hurting us is our sex life. For those of you who are married, you know that IS an important part of a marriage. For the first few years we were together, it was great. But lately she has become so selfish. I try to talk to her but it just turns into a big fight. I don't know what to do about any of this. I don't want to leave her, I do love her. I just don't know where to turn.
  21. So i have a couple issues going on with the guy ive been seeing..he is busy with his infant son..so i dont hear much those days. Usually though he has contacted me either in the morning, evening, or both to say hi, miss you, thinkin of you, etc This morning, I decided i would initiate a good morning text..this was 9 am..its past 12..not one damn word. It doesnt bother me much, but I cant help but analyze something is wrong even though last time it turned out hes just busy at work (salesman for a large corporation) and couldnt get back to me..no biggie. SO how do I chill out? I think part of the reason I freak is im paranoid...for two reasons...number one he still has his online profile up, but hidden..but i see him go on it as recently as last week (although i was on too so he could argue that...ive since removed mine) Second reason..a few weeks ago when he was being flaky and uncertain i went on a couple dates (nothing happened, save a quick peck) and I worry somehow he will find this out and hate me though I had been told by him he was unsure and we hadnt officially become exclusive.
  22. Hi everyone, I've been in NC since last Friday, 10 days now (except for a few necessary e-mails dealing with me living in his apartment). he is back on the dating site where we met and on another not even a week after our break-up. I am devastated beyond belief. He told me he would not get into a relationship or date for a long time b/c he needed to focus on his career dreams, securing financial issues, etc and did not want to do this again to another girl...because he loved and cared for me so deeply. He consoled me for so long. I just can't understand how he can just do this when he knows we met on the site and i would be using it too. He e-mailed last week letting me know he was in pain and having a HARD time and is usually so resilient-but i e-mailed and told him i couldn't be but that i wished him luck, etc...very light. I want to contact him, to be with him again. I see him online and it drives me crazy. I deleted all of his e-mails, letters, gifts, photos, phone # from my phone...yet, seeing him online everyday looking for another relationship is a constant reminder...and knowing the reality that he did have the time for relationship...work was an excuse that he used for months. he just didn't want to be with me. I am living in his apt. right now for the next month (he lives in his own home), and i was wondering if it is ok to send this? he did ask me to stay in touch re: the apartment, and if i ever needed anything (but of course, those are just lines). He told me he was in PAIN and wa HURT and finding it difficult to concentrate and thought he would be resilient and that he would LOVE for me to be in his life. I replied that I couldn;t be his friend and that I wish him luck. two days later, he's on the site. I really want to mention to him the fact that I saw him online and how hurt I am about this when he lied to me and said he couldn't be in a relationship b/c of his career. but i know that will be bad. But is there a way to word it so I can get an answer and some closure. I feel that there was none. I want to say more than this, but I don't think it's good. please help. i just want him back in my life. it hurts too much. PS. he is not the type to try and get me jealous or lie or cheat, etc...he's been nothing but honest with me, but now I don't understand this. Dear you, I know we’re not really on speaking terms, but I have a favor to ask you and I will understand if you say no. but I don’t know who better to ask and I figured you will be at the apt. on Wed. eve. I don’t want you to think that I am angry with you b/c I don’t wish to be friends, it’s just that I need time to heal from the relationship; being friends would prevent that. But I want you to know that I appreciate your help with everything. Yes, it is a little painful that both of us are beginning a new chapter in our lives and looking once again for that person with whom we are ultimately compatible. Anyways, back to the original reason for the e-mail. I purchased my computer at CC and I haven’t been able to get onto the internet. The guy from CC assured me that the wireless adapter card is compatible, but I am not so sure. I followed the instructions, installed the driver, then opened the computer to install the PCI-I think I did it correctly, and when I turn the computer on, I can’t find the driver anywhere. Well, I tried to reinstall the driver, but it says that the driver already exists and I have to uninstall before installing again. I did an entire computer search for the driver to no avail. I’m not sure what’s wrong. Can you offer some suggestions? Also, if you could help set up the computer with some of the programs you have, that would be so helpful. I just thought I’d ask. Thanks so much. best, me
  23. SO me and the ex broke up in late Septemver...thats right nearly 6 months ago. For the first couple months he would send emails every 2-3-4 weeks with nothing to respond to "hope youre well" "nice pics" In november he sent a nasty gram saying how he'd met a new girl, shes wonderful, and he sees no future with us (i hadnt asked btw). I ignored this email...a month lter he sends an email apologizing for how he hurt me during the breakup and saying how great i am. Xmas he texted, New years he texted....mid january he saw that i was in a relationship and texted to congratulate. A month went by and then he texted me how am i doing. He noted im on a dating website, i let him know its a hidden profile. He wished me luck in school and said maybe we could get together, i said goodnight two days later he emailed asking about family, school, life this weekend he texted how am i, hello and then called and left a voicemail saying he wanted to talk and that hopefully we'll talk later. What is this?? After 6 months? Interpretations?
  24. I started talking to this girl in November, we met online and at the time I was 4 or 5 months out of my first relationship of about 3 years, and she was about a month out of hers for at least a year or 2. She seemed very happy to be talking to me, and I go watch her bowl once a week. When we first started to talk i would go see her at her part time job, now she has a full time, and I can't see her at work really due to her responsibilitys, but i do see her bowl weekly. Other than that, it is hard to get to see her due to her school and job, but She has told me that it isn't because she doesn't want to. So Other than the bowling i will probably see her once or twice a month out of that. So I have been talking with her for 5 months now almost, anyone else that i got to know between that time hasn't worked, because i just felt like she was someone i wanted to stick with. But as you could proably imagine, it can be wanning at times. She isn't ready for a realtionship, she wants to be friends first and get to know me, but the catch is that it is hard to be with her more than at bowling due to the courses and her job. She knows that I am ready to commit to her and she says she feels bad that she can't just say yes yet. I find it rather tough to be in this position, I would love to hang out all the time with her and get to know her more but its just not somthign that happens a lot. Sometimes i feel like i am spinning my wheels, but there are times when it is worth it. Her birthday was right around valentines, so i got her a small gift which she liked. and most nights i see her i get a kiss or 2. I just don't know how i should proceed. I'm not really happy single, and only having a part time job while in grad school, makes it tougher to keep my mind occupied. And at times i wonder if it is worth the time, she has been a little flaky sometimes, but she does work a stressful job, and i know sometimes you just dont' want to do anything after work, its annoying, but i don't want to jump down her throat for it. Maybe i need a fresh perspective, any ideas? thx
  25. Okay, just a little follow-up to my last progress report. Nothing as exciting as last weekend, but I did get another HI on the River Walk, from a very attractive young woman sitting on a bench outside a public bathroom when I stopped to unburden myself. Wow, the River Walk is a surprisingly friendly place! Having lightened my load, I started back. As I approached Uptown, in the semidarkness ahead I saw what looked like a very wide four-legged person standing in the middle of the bicycle trail. Hmmm... I was puzzled, until I got closer and realized it was actually two people standing so close together there was no gap between them. I got closer and realized that they were actually standing in the middle of the bicycle trail, hugging and kissing! Actually making out! Yikes! I'd heard rumors about people doing that, but I'd always doubted there was anything to them. But there it was, happening right in front of me, big as life. They were stuck together face to face, and the male one was actually reaching around and putting his hand on the girl's bottom. Blatantly touching her posterior! And she was letting him do it! I was amazed. Wow... I mean, fantasizing is one thing, but it boggles my mind to contemplate what it must feel like to do it in real life. God life is good for some people. And... there's also an update on my online project, my long-delayed quest for that one first woman to release me from my virginity. I've tried conventional dating sites with no luck. Having been a shy introvert for so many years, I don't know if I'm relationship material, but I still hope to try someday. So I've recently been using Adult Friend Finder, which is an adult dating website where people advertise expressly (and explicitly) for intimate encounters. I've been openly marketing myself as an adult virgin, and I've e-mailed well over 200 women so far. In the past few months, I've corresponded with several women who seemed interested, but with one exception, they've all fizzled. I did actually meet one woman for dinner, but we were mutually unimpressed. I've now decided that the women who corresponded with me did so only because they were intrigued. That surprised me, because I'd always believed there'd be plenty of women who'd enjoy having a clean, untouched male without having to resort to cradle-robbing. Or that maybe there'd be a little devil out there somewhere who'd get a kick out of introducing an unsullied country boy to the worldly vices. I haven't given up believing that, but I now suspect most of the women who got my e-mails either didn't believe me (why would they'd think I'd make up such a thing?), or thought there must be something wrong with me. (One woman actually e-mailed me and said, "If you're a virgin, I'm Mother Teresa, and she's dead!") So... with great reluctance, I've decided to stop promoting myself as a virgin. I'm a bit sad about that, because I felt great about being totally open and honest about my special situation, and I'd really, really been hoping to have my first time with a nice woman who understood, and was willing to be a virgin guy's first. I have a need to be understood that compels me to be more open about myself than a person probably ought to be. I guess I should really try to get over that. Oh, well... that's my progress to date. Stay tuned for the next exciting installment.
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