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  1. I thought I would give a go at this journaling thing. My friends do not partake in online dating and I don't really get feedback from anyone that does. Mostly my friends shake their heads and ask `why?' I've been out of a relationship since May '14 and without rehashing all that has transpired I will say that online dating has changed considerably in the past 3 years. I've taken several breaks, mostly after meeting men looking for casual sex and men who are too afraid to put themselves out there and seem to put me in the drivers seat to pursue them and breath life into the situation. Neither of which I am comfortable with. I am a young (as so I am told) 50 something yr old professional with a rich social life, so I am definitely not lonely. If I sense there is no momentum in a man that I meet I am quick to let it go seeing that I don't have a lot of free time and being with my friends is often a much better option. After my last fail .. well I can't really call it a failed attempt, maybe a valuable lesson with dating someone I mentioned here in previous posts, that I had dated earlier this year and he made a return visit in Oct. He is clearly not ready for a relationship but I am very taken by him and we have amazing chemistry. With that being said he is dating others and at some point these things run their course and I opted out, not wanting to be part of the `rotation' and finding myself engaging in an intimate relationship with someone I did not have a commitment with. Mind you this is the first time in my life I tried to do this and much like I already knew I am not cut out for it. He still texts once in a while and says he misses me, but it messes with my emotions so the more distance I get the better. I wish things were different . . but it is what it is. To keep my sanity during that time I continued to date others (not intimately) and the pace was wearing on me and creating all sorts of unneeded anxiety. During the holidays I pulled my profile but continued to communicate with one person who's schedule is opposite of mine for the time being so meeting was a challenge. During my time off during the holidays we met for breakfast and as much as I really didn't want to go, I was pleasantly surprised. Now 3 dates later my current challenge is to see if this man can open up and let me in. Apparently I make him very nervous and at times he shuts down. I tried dating someone like him sometime ago and I thought in time he might let me in. After several weeks I realized it was never going to happen. What I do like about my new friend is that he has some old school values much like mine, maybe a little more conservative. He noticed I pulled my profile (only for a break) and pulled his as well saying he typically only dates on person at a time to see where it goes. It's nice to not have to interpret someone's intentions and refreshing to know I am not part of someone rotation. We haven't so much as held hands yet which builds up that anticipation part that seems to be so fun and he's a good `dater'. I have met so many men who don't know how to date. .funny as that sounds, but true. I am enjoying this. He is showing me that he does have sense of humor and enjoys giving me a hard time (playfully) I am optimistic that there is someone that I am able to connect with behind the shyness. He has assured me that he is typically not this way and has promised to open up. I still have another friend I will see tonight. T and I have been dating for about 3 months now and as much as I like and I am attracted to him I just don't think we are relationship material. He's gone most weekends to see his son 8 hours away. He's so sweet and endearing but not very active, pretty much a couch kinda guy, very Christian and not much of a social drinker. (my social circle is!) He has a very naïve almost immature quality to him but I feel safe and cared for with him. I often wish I could see him as someone more than a friend but that certain quality is lacking. I don't see him often and have opted out a couple times lately, but I am looking forward to catching up tonight. So this it. . at least for now. I see my shy friend this weekend. M has invited me for a day trip to the local mountains and I am looking forward to it. For now my profile is down . .tomorrow who knows!?
  2. A few years back, I posted a journal of my online dating experiences: A couple of relationships later, I was finally dumped in November and tried to get her back in March: That didn't work, so I went through some self-examination: Now I'm back in the singles game... so here's Round 2 of an online dating journal from a 42-yo guy in a big American city. I have accounts on POF & Match.com, but the former seems a bit sketchy and the latter has never yielded any results for me. So for now I'll be focusing on OKCupid, which has been pretty effective for me in the past and is how I met my last two girlfriends. Back in December 2012, I sent out about 50 messages on OKC which yielded 5 dates: JINA (29) - We went out twice, held hands on 2nd date, got along well but no real sparks. I halfheartedly asked for a 3rd date a week after our 2nd one, but she didn't accept and I didn't really care one way or the other. TISA ( 38 ) - Very professional type-A personality, talked about herself the entire dinner, messaged me later that she wasn't interested anyway, so that was it. ELLEN (42) - Had a nice 2-hour lunch but she wanted to be just friends; we're pals on FB now. IRINA (42) - We had a fun date, but I wasn't interested in pursuing further. A few months later she contacted me on FB because we had a mutual friend, and now we hang out every so often as each others' wingmen haha! Great friend now. WYNN (37) - We got along well from the first email, lots in common, communicated a lot, sex was great, we ended up dating every weekend for 5 weeks. But then I had strong reservations (some identifiable, others not) about getting too serious, plus I hadn't quite resolved feelings about my ex, so I called things off. I still think about her every day, though, and would seriously consider contacting her again if other options don't pan out. But admittedly she may not want to give me another chance, may be dating someone (after being on OKC this entire time, she took her profile down today) and I really need to play the field a bit right now before I'd feel comfortable going back with hat in hand. Then IRL, a very pretty longtime friend & former bandmate SASHA (31) drunkenly hinted very that she was interested in me when we saw each other at a club a few weeks ago. We've been friends awhile but she has boyfriend, so I took that with a grain of salt and just texted her a week later about meeting for a drink next time she's in town. She said she would, but I'm not holding my breath for a date, nor will I do anything past a hug until she breaks up with him. I just wanted to let her know the door was open. Since my last round of OKC dating in December, I have a new photo with short hair and I've edited down my profile to keep it briefer, and also to emphasize my more responsible traits that might appeal to women more serious about a LTR. I've sent out 90 messages, mostly to very attractive women so I've expected a lot of non-replies. I sent 3 of them just to have an activity partner for moviegoing (1 didn't reply; 1 agreed, we talked on the phone for an hour, but she ultimately flaked; 1 lives in another city but will be moving here soon, we're now FB friends). 11 messages were never opened. I got lukewarm replies from 2 women that didn't go anywhere. Then after a long drought of no replies at all, last week I received 4 (!) replies that showed clear interest, and here's the results after a bit of back & forth: JEANETTE (41) - Financial Analyst. We talked on the phone for 45 minutes this past Friday and have a date tomorrow (Tuesday) RAQUEL ( 38 ) - Graphic Designer. I plan on calling her tonight, but we have a concrete date for Wednesday regardless. NICOLA (33) - Not sure of her job, but she's nerdy in a good way. After some lengthy replies at first, her messages got briefer and less frequent, and though we have a date set for Thursday, the specifics aren't nailed down yet. I think there's a decent chance she'll flake. KATHY (41) - Psychologist. I've only gotten one reply so far, but it was enthusiastic, so I asked to chat on the phone this week. Still waiting on a reply. In between all these, I get around 3-7 messages a week from women I have absolutely no interest in. So 90 messages this go-around have yielded 3 dates for a success rate of 3%, down from from a 10% success rate in November. And to be honest, I'm not super excited about any of these four women yet, but I'll reserve judgment until I meet them IRL. At least I'm keeping busy this week.
  3. Hello, there's this girl that I've been talking to over discord for around 3 years, and I know that its cliché and even a little foolish to be saying this at my age (I'm only 16), but I honestly think that she's the one for me. Before I get into the actual story, I should say that I have autism and that the girl (I'll be referring to her as "the Woman" from now on) suffers from PTSD, ADHD, and hypersexuality (it might not be too important, but I'm mentioning it just in case). Anyways, exactly 2 weeks ago, the Woman and I were talking in dms just like every other night, and In summary, she said that she "loves me un-platonically." I was grinning ear-to-ear at that moment, for I have been waiting for her to say that for years, and I told her that I love her too. However, the next day the Woman started acting a bit odd and began not to respond to any of my messages. Though she would take her time replying to me on some occasions, not responding to me at all is very unlike her. I didn't want to seem clingy, so I played the waiting game. So I waited, I waited, and I waited some more. 14 long and painful days with no replies from the Woman. I don't know if I sounded too clingy or annoying during the 14 days because I would frequently text her things like "Mornin,'" "Night," and all of the usual things that we'd say to each other. I've asked around and learned that she has been communicating with her other friends for the past two weeks, so she isn't gone or busy. I am genuinely worried about the future of our relationship. Do you fellas have any ideas for why she would be doing this? Have a good day! P.S. I'm sorry if this was a little hard to follow, I have autism and I really struggle with putting my thoughts onto paper.
  4. Hi all I had figured my codependency thread was becoming a bit more like a journal. More information can be found in my first thread where a number of issues began. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548598 The past three years since my Dad passed away have been hard, not helped by the codependency of the relationship I went through shortly at the end of 2017 (see above). Dwelling on her for so long has not been healthy, and it's only thanks to this site and my counsellor that I think I can say, I'm finally moving on. After putting four stone on last year, I'm now finally losing it again....down a stone and half as of this morning. I've been big most of my life and I've lacked confidence/self loathed terribly. I've been infatuated with many a girl through my teens, but all I ever did was tell my friends, they would tell her friends.....and I'd never talk to them. My first proper relationship was when I was 19 with a girl I met on a music course (I play viola). In fairness she wasn't a nice person, and tried to change me....and in truth I wasn't that in to her. I liked girls at music college, but they came to nothing as I'd never talked to them. I moved back home with my late dad and the weight ballooned over the years. With my Dad around I had the companion and best friend I wanted, and the thought of ever being romantically involved with anyone, essentially disappeared. This changed when he died in August 2017 after two years with a lung condition. A month later I decided to start online dating......and the rest is history as I embarked an unhealthy relationship with someone who wasn't right for me, but by being codependent....I got my fingers burnt (I refer you to the thread linked at the top). So here we are 3 years on.......and I'm rebuilding myself. No more hiding away..... I'm 35 and time is going to pass me by if I continue to live this sheltered life. I've become somewhat isolated and cut myself off over the past few years. I'm losing weight, and working on my confidence and becoming the guy I always wanted to be. If you'd like to join me on my journey, you'd be more than welcome.
  5. Hello guys, this is my first post ever but I just don’t know what to do. Maybe someone here can help me. I’m in my early 20s and my life has been a little messy the past years so this will be long (sorry!) My ex broke up with me almost two years ago. The relationship was very toxic and after the breakup I hit rock bottom. Until this day I’m still struggling with my mental health because the event triggered a lot of other issues too. My ex didn’t tell me why he left but he is still reaching out to me and sending me flowers. Which to me is insane and stupid. but my real problem begins here: In the current circumstances I don’t really meet new people irl. Also I don’t really want a new relationship after my last. So I distanced myself from dating. Right now I’m trying to take everything slow but I want to figure out what to do next. However a year ago I started talking to someone on Instagram I’ve met a long time ago in school on an exchange program to spain. First we texted in English since my English is better than my Spanish. But I want to better it so after a while we switched. (I’m German and live in Germany so it’s very complicated.) I really liked him but I haven’t seen him in person in 6 years and I’ve never dated someone online. Therefore, I tried not interpret too much into it (also I was happy without the pressure of a relationship). We started sending pictures to each other but we never spoke on the phone or FaceTimed (which was ok for me because Spanish is not my native language). Half a year later he ghosted me and posted pictures of a girl so I assumed he was dating someone. We weren’t excluded or anything so I didn’t care. Last Christmas he texted me again and said he was sorry for not responding but he gave the relationship with his ex another try (which failed). I told him that it’s ok because we were not together but he should have told me. I normally never give guys more than one chance but here I don’t even really know what it is. We started texting again. This time I was careful and I told myself this is his last chance. After awhile we both were really busy and we kinda ran out of things to talk. I also was a little bit annoyed because he likes to be very sexual and talks about it a lot. It was convenient for me because at that time I started talking to an old friend who likes me more than just friends. He is a nice guy. I guess he would be a very good boyfriend who visits me in Germany or treats me well. I’m still talking to this “new” guy daily and I think he would want us to be serious (sadly it’s also a long distance and he is spanish). Weirdly I started missing him a lot and I feel like I’ve fallen for him (which I tried to avoid!!!) I know that he is probably not good for me and there are a lot of red flags. Since my breakup I never had this kind of feeling for anybody. I’m very attracted to him and I can’t stop talking to him. The other “new” guy is so sweet and perfect so he would be a better fit but sometimes I feel like we are not on the same wavelength. Or I might try to manipulate the situation. Sometimes I compare the two and my heart wants something different than my head. This is only a short version which is still very complicated. I kind of already know that he’s probably only lonely or uses me for something. But otherwise he puts a lot of effort in and we understand each other. It’s not the same with someone else. I love talking to him and he says the sweetest stuff. What do you guys think? Should I talk to him about it or forget him? Should I focus on the other Guy? Is he just so sweet to me to have someone to talk to or satisfy his needs? But why does he always come back? thank you!! Mari
  6. Hi Folks, I thought I'd write up some tips on how to cope with finding out your ex-partner cheated on you and then left you for that person. My 2 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend ended last April. He emotionally cheated on me with a married woman and then left me for her. To my knowledge they are currently in a committed relationship but keeping it a secret. This forum has been supportive to me and is filled with amazing people who give spectacular advice, but I thought it would be fun to write a post to address almost everything that I wish I knew 3 months ago but didn't know at the time. I truly hope this helps someone struggling with a breakup that involves the ex cheating and leaving you or immediately rebounding. I'd love feedback and discussion! Also, forgive me for my writing style. It's a work in progress. 1. Cheating is wrong!!! You may notice that after cheating, your ex may justify it, talk about the issues in the relationship that LED TO the cheating, and ultimately minimize what happened. There are no excuses for cheating. Cheating is a choice. People do not magically cheat, it does not JUST HAPPEN, your partner chose to cheat on you and lie to you about it. Accept that and any time your ex tries to blame relationship issues on cheating then cut them off and move on. If you want to discuss the relationship issues, that's cool, but NEVER allow your ex to blame you for cheating. Even if your relationship was pretty bad towards the end, there are other options than just cheating. 2. React to the pain you feel about the cheating. There is a trend I've seen with some posters on this forum. People who come back regretting not getting angry, not saying how they feel, not saying how badly they hurt, etc. You have been hurt. If you want to react, and if you found out about the cheating in the last couple of weeks (DO NOT do this if it's been more than a month and your ex is not reaching out to you) then go for it. React! Be angry and be careful about what words you choose to use since they will be held against you. Here's a snippet of what I said to my ex, " I love you so much, I thought you were the man I was going to marry. I'm shocked that you did this to me. You hurt me more deeply than I can imagine. Yes, we had some problems in our relationship but I was happy to work them out with you. Instead you chose to cheat and hurt me. You DO NOT deserve to be in my life for these selfish actions. I am so angry at the ways you have hurt me and will never understand... blah blah.[/i]" You get the drift. Say what you like but strive to be the bigger, better person. Don't say things you will regret or that will be taken out of context. If possible write an email. Do not talk on the phone or in person since your ex will likely spin everything you say and you'll end up not making the point you want to make. 3. Be honest about your feelings. After the breakup I told my ex that I loved him more than anyone, I'm disappointed in him, I thought he was better than this, that I wasn't perfect but I still didn't deserve this pain. I was honest about how short-lived this new relationship likely will last and told him that he broke my heart. I have ALWAYS been honest with him. I did not play games, try to act like I was moving on or that things were cool between us. However, I didn't beg for him back and toss out my self-respect. Be honest. If your ex treated you like trash then say it. If you want to add that you thought your ex was the love of your life, then go for it. This is your time to be honest about how you feel and trust me, if you do it months later, it will be awkward, petty and you'll feel ridiculous. Get it out now and move on. There's no going back at this point. The later you do this, the more ridiculous you will sound. 3. Go No Contact (NC)!!! Alright, you found out about the cheating, vented, heard him/her out. Go NC. Go NC immediately. There's nothing else to say or do. I believed that my ex might snap out of it, he'd come back begging with sweet and sincere actions, that he'd cut her off and finally focus on me. Well that did NOT happen. What did happen? Random 6 page emails saying how much he loved and missed me and how much he was hurting, he showed up at my job randomly with a gift while the other woman was visiting him, he begged me to come and see him, he sent me texts and emails saying he was thinking, loving and missing me. But this meant NOTHING. He showed no remorse over his actions and ultimately thought cheating and leaving me was the best decision. I kept in contact with him cause I thought he would see the light. He did NOT and now I've deterred MY healing. Please DO NOT make my mistake. I am talking to a few people in this forum who have made this exact mistake and regret it. Go NC. Get your dignity and self-respect back. Your ex WILL NOT know what he lost until you are gone for however many months or years it takes. Sad, but true. 4. Scream, cry, weep and do it all over again. Being cheated and left for someone else is one of the worst things a partner can do to someone. You will feel pain. Most likely this will be the worst emotional pain you have ever endured. Feel that pain. Take some sick days from work and school. Stay home and cry. Invite a friend over and cry with them. Get all the feelings out and cry. You will be in quite a bit of pain for a few weeks or months past this point, so the best way to learn how to cope with the pain is to accept that this pain is a normal part of the healing process. The more you ignore the pain, the harder it will be for you to cope in the future. 5. NC does not make your ex forget you. During the beginning of NC you will have intense fears that NC will make your ex think that you don't care and they will slowly forget you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is an accurate quote when it comes to love. If your ex had any feelings for you, then they will miss you. Every ex I have ever had, I still think about. I do not just forget people. It doesn't matter who dumped who, if the breakup was bad, if the relationship was bad or whatever. I did not forget them and again, many of my exes I have not spoken with in years. I still think about an ex that I knew for 6 months and haven't talked to in about 4 years with the exception of 2 random emails, the last one which he ignored. Again, if there were any strong feelings, NC will only make them miss you AND will make them contemplate if leaving you was the best decision for them. I have exes who I haven't spoke to in over a year who can still remember details of our time together that I had completely forgotten. 6. Do not rationalize with your ex and think you can change his/her mind. After you cried endlessly you may start imagining movies where someone goes running back to their exes and having a 2 minute dialogue about how they can make this work, and then bam, they sail off into the wind. I DO REGRET thinking for a second I could change my ex-boyfriend's mind. What I've learned from infidelity forums and articles about cheating and people who leave you for someone else, is that in their mind they have rationalized it. Does it make it rational, sound, a good idea? Hell no! There is NEVER a good reason to cheat, no matter how bad the situation may seem. But unfortunately for us, our exes have rationalized this in their mind. This does not mean they may not change their mind. But seriously, if your ex implies this was the right decision for them then by all means believe that your ex believes it. Your ex may be in denial, lying to themselves and everyone around them, or not thinking straight but your ex believes it. No amount of arguing will change their mind. No amount of getting your friends and family to talk to your ex will change their minds. Your ex has made up their mind and will learn the hard way what cheating truly results in. You know the truth, you know how messed up this all is, and that's all you can be concerned about. You may want your ex to hear your side, but trust me, it wont change a thing. I know you are probably reading this and thinking BUT, or how you are the exception and can make your ex see reason, etc. Well here's a reality check. You wont. Your ex can only come to that conclusion on their own. 7. Do not feel guilty for wanting your cheating ex back initially. We have all been there. Just like your ex rationalized cheating on you, you will rationalize being with your ex. All of a sudden your relationship will seem "perfect", you'll minimize red flags, your ex will become this sad, hurt and cute animal that you must save and you will convince yourself that life cannot go on without your ex. This is normal for the first couple of months after the incident. Eventually, with the use of NC, these feelings will fade. You'll see your ex as a person and not a timeless piece of love and erotica. Eventually you'll see his/her flaws, feel more disgusted at the thought of being with them and the moments where you miss their presence will gradually fade. Just remember these feelings are 100% normal. 8. Try to stop the self-blame. Whatever happens, this was NOT your fault. Couples with issues talk about it and work things out. It's not your fault your ex DID NOT communicate these issues to you. During the last month my ex and I were together, I remember many moments of me holding him and asking him how he felt about "us". He looked me in the eyes, kissed my forehead and said we were better together, how he wanted to marry me, how I was the one for him while secretly plotting to meet up with this other woman. I don't know if it's denial on their parts or if they are just lying to themselves and us, but DO NOT dwell on the what if's and the problems you had in your relationship. Every relationship has problems. A mature and loving partner works through it, gives it a fighting chance, and doesn't just run at the first spark of danger. 9. Be prepared to build new and stronger friendships and cut out quite a few people in your life. One of the hardest things was dealing with the aftermath of my ex telling people why we broke up. Your ex will likely not paint you out in a sweet manner to family and friends. Lies will be told, truths exaggerated, things will be taken out of context. My ex, for instance, told people that I disliked him which is why he found himself attracted to another woman. He said this because at one point I told him I found ONE thing he did as annoying, during a discussion where he was pointing out my flaws. I've always liked and loved my ex-boyfriend. Anyway, all these mistruths and lies painted me out negatively. As a result, a few people who I thought were friends de-friended me. Obviously speaking with his family, who I adore, was not an option. Use this period to make new and lasting friendships. If someone doesn't believe you, CUT THEM OFF and move on. Life is too short to be around people who want to paint you out as the bad guy. 10. Please be patient with yourself. It's hard when your ex SEEMS to be moving on and having a wonderful life while you sit around pining for the person you were in love with. It's hard to be open to dating. Your friends may tell you to move on, your ex is a jerk, get over it, it'll get better everyday. Sorry but that's not true. Over time things will get better but the next couple of months, with NC (you will only hurt yourself by talking to your ex) will be a rollercoaster of emotions. One day you'll think you are over your ex and the next day you'll be in tears wishing he/she was lying next to you in bed. Everything takes time. I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to feel better. You will feel better when you feel better. Now I've resigned myself to keep improving my life and reminding myself that everything is still fresh. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be upset. Just keep moving forward. Take it slow and be patient. 11. Slowly accept that the relationship you thought you had is gone. It is completely over. Even if you get back together with your ex, it will be different and new again. It's okay to miss the old times and to become nostalgic but eventually you need to accept that what you had is over. Just like other relationships in life, it's time to say goodbye and look towards the future. 12. You are not replaceable. Right after the breakup, I kept wondering how he could replace me. The truth is, people are not replaceable. The bond you create with someone is special and meaningful. If that was not the case, humans could fall in love with any random stranger in any given moment. Infidelity brings out our greatest insecurities. It's normal to exaggerate your flaws and wonder what is wrong with you. After finding out about the infidelity I wondered if I should have been more cuddly or if he wouldn't have cheated if I'd spent less time asking him what he wants for dinner. Silly, right? Well those were thoughts I was CONSUMED by right after I found out. It's normal and take this time to battle those thoughts. Utilize therapy, friends, family, ENA and whoever else to build up your self-confidence and see that you are a special person that cannot be replaced. Yes, you have flaws but everyone has flaws, including your ex. 13. Stop comparing yourself to the new person. Initially, you will hate the other woman or man. That's a normal feeling that may never go away. However, stop judging yourself. Believing your shortness isn't attractive because your ex chose to sleep with a woman who is taller is downright silly. Constantly needing your friends to tell you that you are a better, more attractive catch is also tedious and a waste of time. I will say this. Most people who cheat, usually downgrade. They have chosen a partner who is okay with lying, cheating and is selfish enough to help destroy a long term relationship. They have chosen a partner who only cares about their feelings over YOURS, the hurt person who has been cheated on. And if this person who they cheated with is your friend, coworker or someone who knows you, then that is even more disrespectful. So trust me, your ex downgraded on that fact alone. Other than that don't compare. You'll drive yourself crazy. I have seen people wonder if they are a good catch just because their partner cheated and these are women and men who are very attractive, successful and wonderful people. Your ex likely chose the new person because they filled a void, NOT because they are hotter, more successful and overall a better catch. 14. Your ex is thinking about you and misses you. A common worry to the dumpee is that the other person simply forgot them. That's not how the human brain works. Who have you personally forgotten that easily? If you spend months and years with someone you just don't forget that person. I mean there was even a whole movie on this subject, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. Your ex thinks about you and misses you. That's where the infamous breadcrumbs come from. I once had a guy dump me and stop talking to me for months. A year after the breakup, his new girlfriend told me he talked about me quite a bit and regretted losing me. I had absolutely no idea. Just remember that unless you were dating a heartless sociopath, that person is likely thinking and missing you in their own way. 15. Be realistic about the relationship you had. After you've been in NC for a few weeks, it's time to reflect the relationship. Was it really all that great? Were you actually happy? Are you a good match? This process will take months. At first you may believe you were perfect together, later you may believe the relationship was mostly good, then you'll identify the red flags, see even more red flags, feel disgusted by that person and realize the relationship wasn't all that wonderful in the first place. Again this will take weeks or months to process and fully accept. 16. Don't dwell on whether the relationship with the new person works out. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Let's say your ex and the new partner break up. How would you feel if your ex goes on a dating site immediately or gets a new partner? What if they don't contact you after the relationship blows up in their faces? Will you continue to put your life on hold wondering who your ex is dating? There will be many people who will say the relationship will not work out. Here's the truth. It's unlikely to work out, but there's a chance it will work out. You will only hurt yourself counting the days and months till the new relationship fails. Statistically most relationships fail but you can't use that as a sole indicator of what will happen. Just like it's unlikely you'll get in a car accident after work today, it does happen to some people. Do yourself a favor and don't assume the relationship will work or wont work out. Again, you will cause yourself more pain. Also, for the record, there are stories of people who are with the person they cheated with for years until a breakup or divorce happens. And then that person tries to get back with the person they cheated on. Do you want to wait years? Would you really want to be with a cheating partner who requires years of being with someone else to realize they want you? These are all things to think about. 17. Don't get caught up on the karma bus. Just like my last comment, it's likely that karma will occur. People who treat others with disrespect tend to have bad things happen to them eventually. The truth is you may not see it. An even sadder truth is that it may not happen. Honestly, everyone has bad luck. I don't know anyone who just has a wonderful happy, carefree life all the time. I'm sure your ex will hit some bad luck soon enough. Eventually you'll need to be the bigger person and not wish harm upon someone else. I'm at a stage where I don't wish misery on my ex but I do want him to really reflect on his actions and learn from them. Instead of wishing for karma, wish that your ex becomes a better person and owns up to their mistakes. 18. Stop focusing on whether your ex will change. Trust me, they very rarely do. If a cheating partner TRULY changes, they will apologize to you for hurting you. Every person who has hurt me AND changed, eventually came back and apologized for their actions. This doesn't mean we have to be together, be friends or be part of each other's lives, but it does show a huge step of maturity for them. If your ex never apologizes nor shows remorse for hurting you sometime far in the future, then assume they haven't changed. Cheaters rarely change. But when and if they do, they'll own up to it and at least give an apology and try to make amends. 19. People don't forget the way you treated them. If you were truly a wonderful partner, then your ex will always remember that. I treated my ex like a king, and no matter what he thinks or does, I know when he looks back at our relationship, I'll always be the woman who did X, Y and Z. I'm always proud of that. I want to leave good imprints in people's lives. You should focus on doing the same. Whatever happens always be the bigger and better person with your ex. Don't spread rumors. Don't tell everyone and their friends what happened just to make people hate your ex. Don't get revenge. Don't use people by having random sex and breaking hearts along the way. This is how wonderful, nice, and decent people become jerks themselves. 20. The world is bigger than this. Many of us, myself included, believe their world is destroyed because of the infidelity. All of a sudden everyone seems evil, unworthy of trust and we question what the point of having a relationship is all about. Some of these feelings are normal during the beginning of a breakup but long-term this is a big problem. Remember that as bad as infidelity and breakups are, the world is full of people suffering in many other ways. There are beautiful relationships and marriages that have trust, respect and communication. And sometimes, this is just another obstacle we have to overcome. Remember that no matter how you feel, the world is bigger than this, much bigger. Don't let someone disrespecting and hurting you change your views on humanity and love. 21. Do not respond to breadcrumbs and most importantly do NOT give your ex the light of day until they apologize. This is a specific situation where an apology is NEEDED since your ex betrayed you and hurt you deeply. Breaking up can be a good thing for a couple but once cheating has occurred, that needs to be apologized for. My ex has NEVER apologized to me for cheating. He will cry and say he's broken hearted but NEVER say he's sorry for cheating on me. Until an ex apologizes for cheating, then there is no room for anything else. Go NC and stick with it. If your ex comes to his.her senses, and hopefully they will, they will apologize. Even if the ex and the other person work out and sail into the stars, if your ex truly changes then they will own up and apologize. 22. You do deserve better. Hundreds of people will say this to you but the meaning remains the same. You deserve better than cheating. Don't forget that.
  7. When we met online, we hit it off. we met in person and the connection and chemistry was undeniable. He stayed at my flat for 2 weeks.And he asked me to be exclusive but the problem is we live hours apart. But he said we will make it work. When he return to his town, he confessed to me shortly that he slept with his ex. According to him she started reaching out to him a week when he was planning to see me and she knew about me as he told her. When he returned home she asked him to hang out and he accepted with intention of just chatting. one thing led to another they ended up having sex. he called me crying all remorseful and said he will cut her off for me so i gave him a second chance. only to find out that he started talking behind my back. so i told him forget it. you can have your ex, but he begged me and said he wants me. him and his ex begged me for them to still talk because they are just friends . i finally said yes you can talk. Then a week later he tells that they made plans to hang out..i wasn't having it and at this time i said if you hangout i won't see him again. That's when he agreed and said he didn't want to lose me. but he stayed in contact with his ex behind my back until she lied to him about something, now they don't talk anymore. Going forward, the distance didn't help our relationship. He started expressing his discontent by saying that I'm everything he wants in a girl but I'm too far away and sometimes he wants to ask me to hang out after work but he can't. When he broke it off he told me that he still wanted to see me because we had made plans to meet in person prior the distance took it's toll for him So we still met and had great time. But before he left, somehow the conversation came up and he expressed his discontent with the distance and said we should see other people. so I said okay even though I was hurt.. I even started crying. Then he said to call him when I'm ready since he still cares about me. We got back in touch on a casual basis. Then we started talking on regular basis again and made plans to meet. We met then I noticed he was disinterested in sex. We used to do it twice a day whenever he visits me but then we only did it twice for the 4 days we stayed together which was initiated by me. When he got to his town, he told me that he had something to tell me. We made arrangement to talk on the phone to discuss what he wanted to say. When the time came, I called him only for him to start avoiding it as if he was nervous. Then I finally told him to text what he wanted to say. That's when he said, he doesn't feel the same way he used to. I was shocked and hurt. Then he called me 2 days later wanted to see if I was okay. We spoke and he said the last time we hung out he just wasn't feeling it anymore. I said okay. but he still wanted me in his life but told me he will give me space and to text him when I'm ready. 2 weeks later, he was already texting me telling me he misses me. I ignored these texts as I wanted space but he kept texting telling me that he realized that he misses me etc. I was happy since I missed him too. We started talking again and made plans to meet. When we met we had good time but the sex frequency had decreased and he seemed distance. Once I returned home, he was barely responding to my text. so i said what's up? you don't seem into it anymore. Then he says, 'yes, " I lost feelings " I was hurt once again and sent follow up texts to which he ignored. and that was it. I deleted him on my face book so I can move on. Then 5 months later he returned stating he misses me . He added me back on face book and I accepted but told him that we are still 5 hours apart so the same issues that pushed him away are still present so it's best we move on. He responded and said, " I just wanted to see how you're doing" I didn't initiate contact after that until he messaged me again " asking me if I found someone else which is the reason why I'm not calling him? and he left his number and said he misses me. I finally texted him and we started talking again like old times and he said he wants to see me. We met and all was well. We had great time. When he return back home, he stopped answering my texts then said the distance is too hard for him. We didn't talk again for another 5 months but this time I didn't delete him on face book. He hardly posted. Then he suddenly liked my new profile picture I had posted after 4 months. Which lead us to start talking again. We made plans to meet again and this time I visited him. All was well but he seemed distance and disinterested. When we had sex he only lasted a min the first time and he apologized which is understandable since I I know it's normal no big deal. But then every time we did which was initiated by me, it he only lasted a min and I suspect he was doing it on purpose after more than 2 times. idk. we use condoms so I couldn't tell. when I returned home, ofcourse things fizzled once again. Rinse and repeat. Last time we got back in contact, we had been planning to meet for the last 6 months but the plans kept falling through due to schedule confliction. The days he is off, I'm working and vice versa. finally we made plans to meet and set a date and everything only for him to cancel because he had to bay sit his friends dog which was followed by him losing his job so he can't come to see me. Like I said, I offered to help financially but he didn't respond. He was planning to come to see me but he any money so I told him that I can send him money through Western Union for his ticket but he didn't respond to that then he stopped responding to my texts. I started getting worried so I kept sending him numerous texts messages asking how he is and if he is okay to no avail.I then started calling him and he didn't answer.When I get no response from someone I care about I freak out so called him 11 times in row until the phone started ringing once and going to voice mail which means he was pressing the reject button. To my horror,he sent me a text message that read ``Please don't contact me anymore``Please I need space``I then apologized for bothering him and told him that I just wanted to see how he is.He didn't respond after that . We didn't talk for 2 months until i messaged him and it turned out he met someone closer to him. so went no contact after that..only for him to start reaching out twice over the course of a year telling me he missed me. I gave in, but it wasn't long until he started blowing hot and cold until he stopped initiating contact then ended it again citing the distance and said " maybe in the future when we are at a place we can move". This time I was done with him so i blocked him every where Shortly after that, like 4 months later i met another man in my city and fell head over heals with him. I hardly thought about my ex while seeing this new man and it's been 3 years. things between me and this new man didn't work out..until my ex made a fake face book profile to contact me..ofcourse i blocked the account and didn't respond. but it has re opened old wounds..now i think about what my ex put me through. I know I allowed it and shouldn't have walked away sooner now looking back but i had no experiance in dating or to spot any red flags. please don't judge me. I thought things would get better but instead i gave him more opportunity to hurt me. i definately learned from this. does this mean I haven't healed from my ex even though it's been 3 years?
  8. I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men. I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that. Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks. I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious. It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different. Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes. Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc. He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term. As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex. The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on? When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am? So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it. This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?
  9. I have met a guy on a dating app and I felt that we really connected after our first date. I really liked him and I think he liked me. The next day I met him with another woman. it was awkward. We acted like we did not notice each other. I am not sure who she is. It probably just means he is not into me. Any advice? Should i just forget him and move on - I do not want to do it though. Should I act as nothing happened?
  10. I've been officially single over a week but in reality after not seeing my ex since September Ive been emotionally single a lot longer. To summarise breaking up came about due to covid restrictions, growing apart during the lockdowns and just not being the right fit for me. We started dating around this time last year but haven't spent tons of time together due to covid. She is heartbroken and I'm upset about that part of her being upset but personally I feel fine about breaking up, I know I made the right choice and I'm on the right path for me and excited about the new chapter in my life once this virus is in check. With all this in mind I'd like to take up online dating over next couple of months, chat to some people, hopefully make a good connection and go on a socially distanced walk or some safe activity for a date. My worry is upsetting my ex, I know she has friends who are on these apps and they would have no hesitation in telling her and stirring, I'd hate to upset her even more and think I should maybe wait a little longer, but then at the same time this year has shown life is too short for that, I should be doing what's right for me, or is that a very selfish way to look?
  11. Hello everyone, Basically I have been online dating my bf for 7month now due to covid we havnt managed to meet up. But he has a habit when hes with his friends to not message me at all or reply to any of my messages. In the past if he goes away he wont tell me and just go saying it was last minute or that he was busy and only after not messaging for a few days and me sending angry messaged only then he will reply. We argued about this then and he apologised and promised it wudnt happen again ovcourse it happened again and the same story we argued and he promised never again. He has delayed coming to see me because he says he cant get time of work. A few weeks go by talking as normal then all of a sudden over the weakened he hardly messages me and then he doesnt message me at all or reply to any of my messages although I have seen him come online multiple times for long periods of time. I then send an angry text implying if he no longer wants to be with me to just be Frank about it and just tell me. Ect.. to which he replied and told me his friend forced him on a last minute holiday for a week and that hes been so busy he hasnt had any time to message me. And that he hasnt even been on what's all even tho I have screenshots of him being online. I asked him how he manages to go on a last minute holiday when to me he says it's really hard to book time off he just said he managed. I then phoned him and we began arguing about why he didnt message to let me know hes going on holiday. I've told him so many times even if he messages to say I'm going to be busy over the next few days we might nit get much if a chance to talk that's fine with me it's the leaving me out of the loop completely and expecting me not to get angry is the annoying bit but he just doesnt seem to understand I was crying on the phone and his priority was to go out partying. He left me crying on the phone so he could go with his friends. He then promised to call me later that night but he never did nit even a simple text or anything for 2 days then I send another angry message saying I want to end it because I dont deserve to be treated the way hes treating me. And his response was just why are you creating soo much drama. Since then there has been no communication and i know he wont until hes back from holiday. He comes back on sunday I dont know if when he comes back I should ignore his messages for a few days so he can have a taste of his own medicine or just reply and fight it out. Or should I just end it with him. I do love him but I dont want him to think he can just get away with it.
  12. Sorry about the long post, but the background is very important. My fiancee and I met online over 8 years ago, and were good friends. About 2 years ago when we started dating, and recently became engaged. He has a female friend who he's known about the same amount of time. The main difference is we are LDR while she is there with him. When our relationship changed from strictly friendship, the female friend reached out to me, and we started becoming good friends. We would all hang out together when I would visit, and she was very supportive of us getting together, actually encouraging us to take the next step. I thought this was going to be the start of a beautiful journey. Shortly after my fiancee and I became serious, I noticed that her tone with me drastically changed. She started telling me that everyone there thinks they are together/ should be together. She then asked me if it bothered me. I replied and said it didn't, and asked if there was any romantic history. She told me no. I let it go, and continued to work on our friendship. That's when things went downhill. She suddenly started posting tons of pictures of them together on social media, and making it a point to tell me that they were doing date like activities- going to movies, going out for drinks, etc. When my fiancee and I were on dates, she would blow up his phone, and insist that he needed to be there, saying she would kill herself if he didnt go. At one point she told me that she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do, and got very accusatory of my intentions. At one point I let her know that we have a strong relationship, and that what I talk about with him his private. We stopped talking shortly after. I have confronted my fiancee several times about how I felt that she had feelings for him. He confessed that at one point, she had written him a love letter, and confessed her feelings for him. He assured me that he never reciprocated those feelings, and they were strictly friends. I tried to be supportive of their friendship, but brought up concerns with him spending money on her, buying her Plan B pills after her random hookups, and taking her to nicer places than he took me. I set boundaries that I was comfortable with, and things seemed to be going well. Before he came out to visit last time, I reached out to her to try and rekindle our friendship. We had what I thought were great conversations, but she blocked me in every form later that night. On his visit, he proposed and I accepted. I asked him about his friend, and told him that she had blocked me. He confessed that she was the first person he told about his plans to propose, and that she didnt take it well. Fast forward a year. We are still engaged, and planning our future. She is still crossing boundaries. When I confront him, he jokes about it, asking if I still hate her, and making excuses for her behavior. I'm not comfortable with their friendship anymore, and I dont think it's my place to tell him they can't be friends. I dont want to be the jealous wife, but I also can't continue to be left out, always wondering if there is something more between them. What do I do?
  13. Hi, I was with my Ex Boyfriend just short of 12 months! In that time he spoke of marriage and never failed to tell me he loved me loads and missed me when we weren’t together ! He was the first guy to truly make me feel valued and loved! I suffer from shyness and always struggled mixing in large groups and when he and I got together, I felt quite shy around his family which is very large although I worked hard to get over my shyness and be very friendly ! I did sense however, that certain louder members of his family hadn’t quite taken to me which may or may not have had a baring on the ending of our relationship! My ex boyfriend suffers with depression and during His personal difficulties with bullying at work, possible job loss etc, I stood by him and emotionally supported him ! During lockdown, we isolated separately and we missed each other. He text me every morning, a couple of checking in texts during the day and then Skype or WhatsApp call in the evening before bed ! Around Middle of April , I found out the care home my mum Is in , who is currently in a care home due to late stage Alzheimer’s, Had had cases of coronavirus. This terrified me but apart from telling me ex briefly about it on the day I heard, I didn’t mention it again as with his history of depression, I didn’t want to get him down. At the end of April , I heard that there might be a easing of lockdown and a possibility that people might be able to meet a person outside their home, with social distancing in place ! Excitedly I told him this and straight away he lost it with me saying he was not going to be meeting up as this was a government ploy for herd immunity etc ( he meets two of his friends every Saturday in the garden for drinks though) ! I backed down and let it go but later he rang me around midnight and clearly had been drinking a lot and was drunk ! He’s not supposed to drink at all with his anti depressants and was going on about “ good looking women online “ ! It gave me the impression he’d been on dating sites but I didn’t say anything at the time ! Over the next three days , he barely spoke to me but when he did , it was to say he was feeling depressed, it was nothing to do with me and he was avoiding talking with anyone and would be back to his old self in a day or two! At the end of the three days, he text me to say he was breaking up with me as I was “stressed” and it had caused his to “spiral downwards” , he was sorry to do it via text but he didn’t have it in him to call as it would get him depressed again! A few text was then exchanged between us where he said he would “ text me when he was ready to talk” which I said it was pointless to rake over the past, and later text he said “it would be nice to text from time to time to see how each other is getting on” which I again refused as I wasn’t willing to down grade from girlfriend to text buddy! A few days later and out of curiosity after his comment whilst drunk about online women, I signed up to a well own dating site to see if he was there and he was! Touting for women , how he knew how to treat a woman and looking anything but depressed! I didn’t contact him but a day later he blocked me on WhatsApp and his phone ! It’s left me confused as to what’s happened, why it’s happened and so angry about being messed about ! I’ve not spoke to him since may 3rd !
  14. My wife and I have been married for over a year after dating for two years. We met online and found out we practically lived across the street from each other. We are both mid 30s and don't really have any arguments What are your thoughts here... am I at fault or is this 'normal' and I'm just making a big deal over nothing? So we were just chatting on the couch and she mentioned doing a cycling thing with a (gay) friend of hers. I said it was a little inconsiderate of her to just plan something with him because it has often happened in the past where they go and do their thing and I am lumbered babysitting the gay couple's adopted son. Sometimes this happens with the partner, but often this is just me alone with this kid... and sure, he's a nice kid, but it is the principle that they plan stuff and just assume they'll have a babysitter without asking whether I am ok with it. Anyway, I told her I was upset that she did this again, I wasn't going to be lumbered with babysitting without being asked as I'd made my point clear last time. She told me these were her friends and I wasn't invited. I asked when it was and she told me the date so I looked in our shared calendar and it turns out she had booked FIVE DAYS in Scotland for this event! Not inviting me is one thing, not considering me is another... but not EVEN TELLING ME?! This wasn't her way of telling asking me, this was already done and booked! I told her she was wrong to do that and she just shrugged, hasn't even apologised. I've been working upstairs today when she asked me about lunch and I was a bit distracted. She said "oh you're still in a huff" (words to that effect), and just left... Is this me just being sensitive? ...she did this before to me... she has a female friend that I don't particularly like (sleeps around, a bit immoral) and one day she just says out of the blue "oh Jane is staying over in a few weeks" - our house, again, no discussion or approval.
  15. Hello all, I'm trying to balance my mental health a little as I think my break up definitely wobbled it a little. I found out my ex was on a dating website, which now I have accepted as she is totally free to do as she wishes. I decided it may be good for me to do so to. I went on the same one as her, not to spy before anyone says! It just seemed it would be the best one for me in terms of opportunities and the fact it's free! It would appear she has hidden her profile as she didn't appear on the search for my town-a blessing in disguise as we won't stumble across each other - but when I clicked the "who viewed me" tab, it showed she had looked at my profile-this would have been few weeks back though as I did log on when I recieved an email telling me I had a message- It showed her as online but I have heard that sometimes these sites aren't fully accurate with the online status. I am assuming she has hidden her profile as at this stage, with lockdown, she may have seen it as a waste of time and will unhide it when things return to normal, this kind of gives me a little relief as deep down I would love to sort things with her. Alternatively she may be hidden and is now chatting to the people that messaged her before she made her profile hidden. Either way, I don't know how best to focus my mind as I think either thought process will cause me unwanted stress or anxiety
  16. Hello everyone. I'm a 26 year old male. I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone, and really it doesn't make sense to me either. But I know I absolutely need help. Basically, for my entire life, I have been searching for the right woman, to have a long-term relationship with. I always felt that real love and a happy/healthy relationship was the one missing piece in my life that would make me feel completely happy with myself. I've had relationships with 8 different women before, most of them were happy relationships, but not very long-term, as they all failed to last about 7 months or so. I decided after my most recent relationship, which ended well over a month ago now, to finally take some time and focus on myself. I deleted all of my online dating apps, all social media (except twitter which I use for news) The problem is, I literally never did this willingly before. Pretty much, since middle school, all I did was either try and find that relationship, the one that lasts for what I hoped to be an eternity, or be in a relationship that I thought had potential. There were times where I probably was desperate, honestly. Whether it was in school, online dating apps, wherever, I would always hope to try to find that one person that I would make a connection with and hopefully begin to build a long-term relationship with. I thought that a happy and healthy relationship was the key to real happiness for myself. When I was in a relationship, I felt completely fine and happy, no worries at all. Heck, even when I was just talking to a new female, or even just looking on an online dating app or something, I was always feeling completely fine, none of these issues (that I will describe below) at all, because I knew what I was looking for, I had a goal in mind and I was going to do whatever it took to reach that goal, no matter how long it took, of finding that right woman for myself, and finally truly be happy. Now, like I said, I decided I was going to take time to focus on myself for awhile, and wow, let me tell you, it's not going well at all. Couldn't be worse, honestly. I've learned that I'm simply not okay when I'm willingly alone. It's been just over a month of not talking to pretty much anyone outside of a close group of 3 friends, and my parents. I'm experiencing crazy anxiety, OCD, intrusive thoughts, I feel violated (I don't know why) confused, insecure, I'm questioning literally everything (including my own sexuality which I know I'm 100% straight, and I'm sure of it, but I still question the possibility of what if I wasn't, even though I know I'm definitely straight. It's like H-OCD, but I can somewhat stop those thoughts temporarily when I know they are coming) I find myself extremely bored out of my mind during this stay-at-home initiative here we have in New Jersey with the Coronavirus going around, I find myself not feeling worthy to even think someone would want to date me at this state I'm in, and especially at a time like this where we can't even go anywhere or do anything, I feel like I'm really just losing my mind. I'm somewhat able to control the intrusive thoughts, well when they start to come I'm aware they are just thoughts and I let them be, I don't fight them, but they never truly go away, they only go to the back of my mind and eventually come back to focus, and it's like a repeating cycle. (To keep the thoughts away I treat it like a food I don't like, I say like I dont like _ and it goes away temporarily. I also dont put meaning on the thoughts because they are just thoughts and don't mean anything to me) I know I want a relationship with a woman, that leads to engagement, a wife, and kids, a family, I know for a fact that's what I want in life, more than anything in the world. I want it too much, honestly, and I'm scared that because I'm not looking and the state I'm in right now, I won't be able to find it. I'm currently seeing a therapist, but she hasn't been much help yet, though it's only been two appointments though, I'm still holding out hope People close to me would always tell me, "you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else" and when it was said this way, that never made sense, until now. Recently, I read something online that is basically exactly what was said here, but in a different way. Basically, it said "love doesn't fill a void in yourself, you have to find something else that fills that void and be completely happy with yourself to love someone." That's when something clicked. It made me feel better inside, knowing this is the right mindset for the long-term, but in the short term, it made me feel worse, because for literally my entire life I thought that real love was the one missing piece to be happy. If it's not love that's my one missing piece, then what could it possibly be? The other night, I came up with possible solutions, and I basically narrowed it down to my dream job, which is a technical director in tv production. I absolutely loved doing this when I was back in college, it was my favorite thing to do, I did it as often as I could. It's been 3 years since then, and It's an extremely hard job to land. And if I don't get that job, I'm happy with what I have, but its not very fulfilling, super slow paced. I'm happy to have multiple jobs in my field for sure, but not the most ideal job that I wanted. I guess I'm just writing to you all to find out why do I feel violated in a situation like this, why can't I just accept being alone, and be happy with myself? why I fear being alone in general? is there a way to permanently keep these intrusive thoughts away, instead of only temporarily? I didn't always feel this way, and I know this won't last, so I know there's a way out of this, I just don't know how to get back there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'm sorry if I sound like a crazy, irrational person here (I know I do) but I'm just trying to figure this all out, because I'm just lost.. Thank you!
  17. Hi all, I've been doing online dating recently, for about the past 2 months and while there has been some fun times I've also had some pretty awful times. I know 2 months isn't a long time but I guess I was originally hoping things would go better than they have and it is getting to me a little bit. So I haven't managed to find someone who's right for me yet. It's really strange because I seem to either find guys who really really like me and I don't feel anything for them or I find guys who I end up liking and they kind of end up disappearing. I guess I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me and why this keeps happening or if I like start acting weird when I like someone or something but am unaware of it but anyway.. Just to give some context I do have an anxious attachment style. I don't know if any of you have read the book Attached but it's a really good book and shed so much light on why I act the way I do and feel the way I do in relationships and why I find it so hard to just be calm and control my emotions when I'm feeling insecure. I wouldn't say that I am a particularly needy or clingy anxious person as I have spent a lot of my life single and have enjoyed being single, but when I do like someone a lot I do tend to overthink and worry about if they like me and if I'm doing anything wrong. i can push people away when I'm feeling anxious as I'm scared that they will reject me or leave and don't I do well with mixed signals and guys putting in half-a**ed effort. I honestly feel so much better when I get reassurance from a guy but it's not something that I want to need to feel secure in a relationship if that makes sense lol. Anyway so when I fisrt started this whole dating thing 2 months ago I was feeling so confident. I had some really great dates even though nothing really came out of them, but I kind of took a hit when I went on a date with this guy who I thought was really into me. He drove just 4 hours to see me and he pretty much the whole time (which was 2 full days) was saying how much he liked me, how he didn't want to leave, he pretty much paid for everything he even wanted to buy me clothes which I said no to because we just met! He kissed me at one point and said he had been wanting to do that the whole time and he was just so nice and comforting. We did end up sleeping together before he left btw. Anyway so after he left and went back home his messages started getting slower, he was still being extremely nice, but yeah I'd wait a few hours or a day for a response unlike before when he pretty much would reply straight away. Then he just cut me off completely and I saw he was still online on the app we met on so I was like okay awesome! I think the thing that sucked the most was that I didn't really think much of him when he first came to visit, but after how he was treating me on this date and how reassuring he was I started to really like him and it just felt so bad to have him do all that then ghost me. I still have no clue what went wrong. Anyway so this kind of thing has happened to me a few more times since then. Always with guys who I actually start to feel something for. It is kind of messing with my head a bit and I'm starting to feel really insecure. I went on a date with one guy 2 weeks ago who I think was pretty nice and we could have got along really well. But I was feeling so anxious and couldn't stop thinking that I was going to mess up the date and so I did mess up the date! I was being really awkward the whole time and I couldn't seem to shake it off. I'm going on another date this weekend and I'm starting to get that same feeling of I'm going to screw it up or get hurt and whatever. I really don't want to give up on dating because I do want to find someone at this point in my life, but it is a lot more emotionally draining than I thought it would be. Has anyone ever experienced this and how do you get through it? Do you just keep going until you find someone who you just feel good around? Should I take a break? Should I just get over it and realise this is life and that those jerks are not worth my time anyway? Any help would be awesome!
  18. So I downloaded an app to find friends from all around the world. Then I met this guy. He's nice and supports me a lot whenever I feel insecure about my arts. We exchanged numbers then started with some random topics, i'm suck at finding topics but he usually the one who continues the convos. We used to text everyday. Eventually I became comfortable with him but didn't make any move because i know we're just friends. I hate the idea of online dating but this feeling is getting stronger and confusing. I don't have any chance to get to him, because : I don't know any of his social media. He doesn't live in the same country as me. He doesn't use his phone very often so it will take longer for him to answer my texts. I think this feeling is so wrong and almost impossible for me to reach out to him. I would like to text him but I don't think I can expect more from him. I don't know whether he's single or not since he lives so far. Should i just stop?
  19. Hi, just wanted to get some people's thoughts on this... So I went back onto online dating a couple of months ago after taking a long break from it. Matched with a girl, went on a date which went pretty well, exchanged phone numbers at the end, and later arranged to go for a second date a week or so later. The day of the second date she pulls out as she is 'tired'. I was a bit annoyed as I had used annual leave to book the day off work (she didn't know this and said she felt terrible about it later). The first date I thought had gone ok, she might have pulled out because she was tired, or she wasn't that bothered about seeing me again, or any number of other reasons, all of which were fine, as I wasn't that invested or anything, but was happy to go for a second date and see what happened. We eventually rearrange the second date. Around the same time I match with another girl, we seemed to click and after a couple of days messaging back and forth, agree to meet for a coffee. Now I have never dated two women at the same time, seems a bit insincere to me. However in these circumstances, I have doubts about the first girl's interest and there is a possibility she may cancel again. I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to meet the second girl but it just seems a bit alien to me to have two dates planned with different women...the subject of dating anyone else hasn't come up with either of the girls, if they did ask I would just be honest. It doesn't really seem right to me but then I think why should I limit my options or have to make a decision on one girl and maybe end things before arranging a date with anyone else? What are people's views on this?? Many thanks...
  20. So I met a guy of a dating site and he seems fine but he’s never asked me anything about me. He even banged my ICD the other week and never asked my why I have it? I asked him how come he doesn’t want to know anything about me and he says, no rush he’ll find out in time, Is this a red flag?
  21. Hi,approximately 2 years ago a guy contacted me on a language exchange site telling me some interesting info about his native language. As the conversation kept going he asked, all of a sudden ,if I was gay. I said I was bi and he then quickly engaged into a sexual conversation,which was really weird cause it had no place in that particular context. I didn't reply but he gave me his skype id. About this guy: He is in his late twenties,bisexual and always flirts online ( he told me that); has no sexual experience because he lives in an oppressive country that does not accept sex out of marriage or homosexuals. As I was having my videocall with this guy,I was practicing his language but I noticed him masturbating. I pretended not to notice that. Later on that day he kept saying that he likes my personality,that I am different compared to the others he flirts with and that it is intriguing. He kept texting me weird stuff about marriage, kisses and sex,which i never addressed because they were too weird and it was really poor flirting. As he was saying beautiful things about me, I created a fake profile pretending to be a cute gay guy. I sent him a message. He replied with the same lame text and left his skype id. That time I felt I was an idiod to have had fallen for a guy who flirts online with everybody. Deep down I knew he is a very flirty person,but the words about me being special etc.kinda made me feel a sort of attachment. I stopped repliying for a year. He kept on sending me every month messages on skype that he misses me,all left unreplied. This year out of curiosity I decided to reply back and we exchanged our numbers. We kept on videocalling and he was really weird,sending me kisses, masturbating and all things of that nature. Sometimes we manage to talk about other things,but his main goal is flirting. I also tried to flirt and play that game,which got him more interested. He started texting me every day the same beautiful things about me. And i notice that he puts a lot of effort in writing those messages! He proposed me to meet up somewhere in a foreign country,because he'd like to ''be my man''. When I felt like replying to him and feeding his fantasies using his poor flirting texts,he was very talkative and available to answer some questions I had for him. When I did not feel like playing ''the role'' and switched the focus on other subjects he quickly started ignoring and ghosting me. NOW: I do not know what to think about this guy. I have always known that he is a flirty dude,but I feel stupid for feeling any sense of attachment just because of his words about me. They feel so real! and what about the whole year where he messaged me without me replying back?Maybe he really feels something for me? What do you guys think? Because this whole situation is really toxic,but very addictive.
  22. So myself a (36 male) had been with a girl (female 25) for about a year and a half. We met online and have visited each other and we were very much into each other it was pretty crazy. She has had a past of abusive boyfriends and the such so she could hardly beilieve she found a guy such as me. Ive been around the block and im a pretty good lover. xD Anyways fast foward to a couple weeks ago and she went to visit her family for a week. I guess her dad was drilling her pretty hard and was prying into her personal life. I guess he didnt approve of me and sent her into a serious depression. With that said she came back and basically has told me that she is unsure if she sees a relationship with me for the future. She tells me shes so lost and she hates herself right now and this is so hard on her because she really does love me and has lots of feelings for me. She thinks that she shouldnt be in a relationship at all right now and she needs to work on herself because she doesnt know where life is taking her. Shes so scared about everything that is being thrown at her. She does suffer from depression and I have known about since the beginning. She says she doesnt want to lose me forever and that I should be her friend because i usually dont stay firiends with exes to help myself move on and she knows that. I told her I wouldnt abandon her and I would be there for support if she needed. Man do I love this girl and i dont want to abandon her but man is it hard. We saw each other in a game we play the other night and she was inviting me to join her so I did and things went well enough, but I had left for a little while and she asked where I went and why i was in a private world. She then also sent a single text saying "I caaaant". I cant help that she missing the crap outa me and i just dont know what to do as this situation is new to me. All in all I just want whats best for her but I cant lie that id love to have her back and maybe I should just be here for her when she needs.
  23. I haven’t responded, but am shocked to receive this message from someone I met off a serious dating site. We chatted for 3 weeks and met once and were planning to meet again. My gut reaction is not to respond. It’s too bad he’s responding to the situation. I’d be more than supportive and see him through this situation. "Hey sorry for the late reply. I’m heavily distracted with work. Unfortunately my company had just revealed that we are having funding issues and we had a 1st round of layoff. I’m still employed but will need to focus on getting a new job soon. Could we please put our correspondence on hold (not sure temporarily or permanently)? Unfortunately, I may not be able to spend time to develop relationships....I’m really sorry. I admire your commitment to your family and in pursuing this relationship, but I cannot offer the same. I’m sorry again 😔."
  24. Admittedly I'm overthinking this, but I feel like I'll relax a bit if I write it out and have the outlet. A little background first: A woman and I met on an app, chatted for a bit, I asked her to coffee and we met at local place, talked for a few hours, then went our separate ways. We did both say we'd like to go out again. I sent her a follow-up message with my number and she texted me the next day. We texted a little bit but mostly just scheduling a second date which was dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. We had a good time on the second date, laughing, commonalities, etc. After the date I walked her to her subway station and we chatted for a bit there, we talked about our schedules over the next month. She's been busy on weekends but said she'd let me know if a day opened up and that her weeknights were mostly free. We talked about doing more dinners and going to beergardens (her suggestion) in the area. We hugged goodbye and I kissed her on the cheek, as she pulled back she said something like, "let's do this right" and went back in for a closed mouth kiss, which, being the awkward guy I am, was a little awkward. We kind of laughed it off and then she went to her train. I texted her a link to a recent article about local beergardens and she suggested one to go to on Wednesday (she actually picked a place with wine, remembering my preference for wine over beer). The next day she texted back that she forgot she already had plans on Wednesday and asked if we could do it Friday instead, which I confirmed was fine, so we're going to do that. So on the plus side: we talk and laugh well in person, there's certainly some intellectual chemistry there. Also, she initiated the "real" kiss, she could've just left it at the cheek. Finally, she did suggest the day and location of the date, instead of just kind of letting me push things while putting in minimal effort herself. My concerns however: while the conversation was great in person, she responds to texts very slowly and non-conversationally. She's probably just not really into texting, but it could also be that she doesn't want to invest the time/energy. The kiss was awkward and that's obviously not good for me. Lastly, the postponement from Wednesday to Friday - I can't help but feel like there's another guy (hey its only a 3rd date and we met online, she's entitled to it) and she might've bumped me because she'd rather see what happens with him first. It all just feels very tenuous and I feel like I'm going to get a "so I met someone before you, we went out Wednesday and it looks like its going to become something serious, you're great blablabla, good luck" message. I hate that I'll probably have to wait until Thursday to see what happens with that. So I don't know, I guess I'll probably just get a response or two here saying to chill out and see what happens. But interested in feedback regardless. Thanks for your time.
  25. First of all, thank you to everyone who responded to my two questions yesterday. It was a much needed during a moment of weakness. I think I have dating/relationship anxiety or attachment issues. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, but as soon as I like someone, I anxiously over-attach. I crave to be in a committed relationship and strongly dislike being single. Some background. Growing up, my dad worked from home and we barely spoke. My mom was a homemaker and did everything for us. She did not cater to my dad’s every whim however, and encouraged me to be independent. I was “best friends” with a bully from 2nd to 5th grade. In 6th grade, finally hung out with a new group but they all moved away to different middle schools. In middle school, I hung out with 8th graders during 7th grade, and 7th grade during 8th grade. Needless to say, I never made any meaningful or lasting friendships. Freshman year of high school, I became friends with a girl who eventually turned into bully #2. She isolated me and a few other friends, so I had to find a temporary group to hang out with. For most of high school, I was a serial monogamist. I usually spent lunchtime with my boyfriend and/or his friends. When we broke up, I had to find a new circle to be around. College was a similar experience. I had 2 boyfriends in high school and 2 in college, all of which lasted about 6 months. I was always the one to break up with them, due to boredom and incompatibility. Which made sense considering I never put much thought into who I was going to get with. I also dated people in between. I broke up with my last college boyfriend right when I turned 21. I was single for four years from ages 21 to 25. I always longed for a boyfriend but was otherwise content with my life, just working and enjoying time alone. I didn’t really make any meaningful friendships in high school and college (or ever). But I loved being alone and doing whatever I wanted. I even said I “hated people” for a bit. When I was 25, I decided to try online dating. I dated three men for a couple of months. All of the others dates I went on were only one-time as I wasn’t interested. There was no in between. I broke up with Guy #1 because when I asked for exclusivity after two months, he said he had “fear of commitment.” Guy #2 kind of ghosted or did a slow fade after one month. Guy #3 also did a slow fade after three months. I was DEVASTATED after all three “breakups”. I cried and cried. I would definitely say I took it a lot harder than I “should” have for having dated someone only for a couple of months who weren’t even my boyfriend. I soon realized that it was because I had nothing else going on in my life. No friends or hobbies, etc. And then when I started dating someone, they became everything and everything new to me. So I decided to join meet-ups I had the time of my life for a few months. I met so many people and we tried so many things together. For the first time in my life, I felt truly happy and excited. I still aspired to be in a relationship, but I wasn’t “looking.” I had a consistent group of wonderful friends. I told myself that in the future when I’m finally in a committed relationship, it won’t be like my high school & college relationships. I won’t just be with anyone or break up due to boredom. I will put in the effort it takes to be in a long term-committed relationship with the person I love. Assuming of course, the relationship was healthy and someone I wanted. It was a promise to myself and not to anyone in particular. At one of these gatherings, I unexpectedly met my ex-fiance who became my first serious/committed relationship. Unlike the guys I was used to, he made it crystal clear that he was committed to me. We dated for 3+ years, living together for most of it, and were engaged. I was truly happy that I waited for the right man. Then right after we became engaged, he turned into an entirely different person. He was emotionally abusive—controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, disrespectful, and most of all—constantly lying. He was constantly going out and not wanting to address where he was going. Eventually, out of guilt, he confessed to having an emotional affair and doing cocaine, mixed with marijuana, nicotine, and alcohol, all of which he had never shown an interest in before. I tried to convince him to get help, but I broke up with him not for the substance abuse, but because he wouldn’t end the affair in the way I wanted. After speaking to some friends after we had broken up, they told me that a memory that always stuck with them was that they saw him steal a bottle of water once when we were all hanging out. I was shocked (I mean, stealing too, on top of everything else?!). I also started seeing a therapist who suggested he seems to have severe depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem problems. During this time, even though he was hurting me, he was hurting and crying a lot himself. He told me that he destroys all of his relationships like this and doesn’t know why or what to do about it. I tried to encourage him to seek his own therapist but he wouldn’t. I knew it would never work if he didn’t get help. When we broke up, I sent a long letter to his family letting them know everything. It made leaving him MUCH easier because I could rest easy knowing I loved him the best I could and did everything I could for him. Prior to our breakup, it was 3 months of endless anxiety. I lost 20lbs due to having no appetite. As unrealistic as it sounds, I got over him within five weeks. I still remember how I felt each week. The first week was complete depression. I couldn’t function at work and took the whole week off. The second week, my appetite came back. I was STARVING. I was still sad & empty but the fog had lifted and I have never felt so relieved and “normal”. By the fifth week, I stopped thinking about him. When a mutual friend told me they met him and he was still doing cocaine, I was surprised that I felt NOTHING. The only feeling I felt was affirmation that I made the right choice in leaving him. I was proud of myself and my progress. When we FIRST broke up, my stomach dropped when my friend said he had stolen something. No sympathy or sadness this time. That’s how I knew I was over him. It’s been several months since my ex-fiance and I broke up. I’ve been focusing on myself. I’ve been eating healthier, exercising, sleeping better, spending time with friends, reading, and checking out meet-ups. I’ve been feeling so much better after spending time on myself. I eventually was ready to date again, but as soon as I started going on dates, I felt worse. I feel empty after every date in which I feel no chemistry. Then, there was one person whom I felt great chemistry with (whom I posted about yesterday). I asked for a third date and he declined. I wanted to be the type of person to just think, “Oh he’s not the one. Next!” But I find myself thinking he’s the one that got away. I’m completely and overly attached, just like I was with all of the previous men I dated. I don’t think it’s healthy. In between the dates, I obsessively researched him online and read his forum posts. I think it made me more attracted & attached to him. I made me want him more because the more I realized how talented/intelligent he was, the more I felt he was out of my league. As soon as I read his text message reply declining my invitation, all of my limbs went numb, weak, and tingly. My hand started to shake. I felt extremely anxious all evening and a bit anxious today. It makes me want to stop dating out of fear of getting hurt. But at the same time, it makes me want to keep dating in hopes I’ll meet someone else to transfer my attention away from this obsession. I’m upset that there’s only two scenarios for me when it comes to dating: Either I’m not interested and he pursues, or I happen to be very interested and he’s not. It hurts. I tell myself before every date not to get prematurely attached. But I always attach quickly, if when I like someone. I feel so heartbroken that I can’t find the love I want. I feel like the men I like or love always end up leaving me. I usually have very high self-esteem and don’t accept less than what I want. I’m usually great at setting boundaries. But being rejected by my date yesterday really took a toll on my self-esteem. I know I’m a catch, but right now I feel like I’m not good enough for the men I like. Maybe I’m good enough for the men I don’t like. Why can’t I find someone with whom there is a mutual chemistry/connection/compatibility? I think I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to men I date and actually like. I have a lot of fear of getting hurt due to my obsessiveness and tendency to prematurely attach. But I also know a lot of it comes from past experiences such as with my ex-fiance (a lot had happened but too much to write). So I’m not going to punish the next man for what he did. I’m ready to be myself, to trust again, and to be vulnerable. My ex-fiance was a blessing in disguise. I learned a lot from him and learned to never settle. I think I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I feel confused and all over the place. What am I saying?! Lol The other thing, which I won’t get into a ton of detail since this is already so long, is that I have very few meaningful non-romantic relationships. My immediate family is not close, I have no extended family, and never made any meaningful friendships. I have a few close friends. But the problem is that I get bored very easily and tend to switch/ditch groups. Ideally, I would be married & committed to one man, but have an ever-changing social group. I don’t think this is a problem to “fix” because I’m happy with the way I am, but I wonder if this has any negative affect on the way I approach romantic relationships. In a nutshell, being married is the greatest aspiration in my life and I know it will never change. But I am hyper focused on the idea. I want to be in a committed relationship so badly. I want to be with the right person and I am so tired of dating and searching. I feel like I won’t be 100% happy until I find the relationship I want. I feel so empty and unfulfilled. Any thoughts? Do I have a problem? How much of this is normal?
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