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Honey Pumpkin

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  1. Honey Pumpkin
    Trying to think of things you could send online - you could send music, couldn't you? So a sort of virtual 'mix' tape, perhaps?
  2. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, I'm sorry, I picked you up wrongly, I read is as you HAD slept with him. Sorry about that! I don't know, I think we will always be tempted. I know that if Daniel Craig (new James Bond) were to turn up on my doorstep one night, I would possibly contemplate ripping his shirt off and leaping on him. BUT - yeah, there's the but - no, I think you have to be faithful. I just do - that's the point of a relationship. And the fact that it might be hard sometimes, makes it all the more precious to me. Sorry for misreading your original entry though!
  3. Honey Pumpkin
    Well, I don't know the full backdrop to your story, but it sounds like you might be suffering mild depression? I'm in the UK, and here January is the worst month of all, dark and cold (yesterday was officially the most depressing day of the year!) - but if you're in California I'm guessing you don't suffer from SAD? I don't think you should self-diagnose on the internet, but there is a questionnaire online to maybe think about depression: link removed Some of the questions sound a bit like the symptoms you describe, to be honest. The BBC website (which is usually pretty reliable) lists these as common indicators of depression: Variation of mood during the day. It's often worse in the morning, improving as the day goes on - but the pattern can be the other way around. Disturbed sleep, usually waking early and being unable to get back to sleep A general slowing down of thought, speech and movement Feelings of anxiety Tearfulness for no reason Short temper Lack of energy and constant exhaustion Inability to enjoy things Lack of concentration Difficulty making decisions Feeling that you're forgetful Negative thoughts about the future Feelings of guilt Loss of identity Blaming self and low self-esteem Feelings of hopelessness and despair Unrealistic sense of failure Loneliness, even when around others Becoming preoccupied with illness Loss of appetite and resulting loss of weight Reduced desire for sex Do any of these sound like they might apply to you? The first piece of advice they give you is to monitor your mood: "This is the starting point for managing depression. It will help you learn to spot an episode of depression before it's too late. Using the thought-monitoring technique, you can decide which thoughts represent an accurate picture of what's going on around you and which are unrealistic and created by your mood beginning to fall." There are loads of good references and suggestions, if you want them let me know and I'll post them. Take good care of yourself!
  4. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, I've had this conversation before with friends - some were surprisingly open to it, but with 'consent'; ie they could handle an open marriage, but they could not cope with deception. I think I could understand that - I would hate someone lying to me. Personally I am the monogamous type, I must say; and I would be dreadfully hurt if my partner slept around, it would be the end of the relationship. There is the issues of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. But more than that, to me it would be a betrayal. Two questions though: i). Does your husband know that you are sleeping with other men? ii). How would you feel about your husband sleeping with other women whilst you are shagging your Israeli man? Maybe you're one of those rare couples that suit an open relationship. If not, then you are betraying your husband. I could not square that with my conscience, I'm sorry.
  5. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, I'm so sorry for how rough you're feeling - it's a horrible feeling, and it feels like you're never going to get over that flat, down, miserable feeling. But you WILL. You will,honestly, and meet someone who is absolutely right for you. They say in bereavement (and I think being dumped is like a bereavement) not to make any life decisions immediately. Because sometimes it's a reaction to what has just happened - as Chai74 says, does this have to be an immediate decision? Because I would give yourself a few more months where you are right now. And see if you feel the same way once the first awful upsetting feelings have eased off a little bit - if they are, then fine. But I worry that you're making a knee-jerk reaction to this news. This is some advice from a site about coping with loss, which I think does work for people whose relationships have ended: Be gentle with yourself. It's vital that you don't expect too much from yourself. Give yourself permission to be disorganised for a while. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Care for yourself physically. Take exercise. If possible do some form of exercise, even if it's only a gentle walk. Avoid alcohol. Reliance on alcohol may help temporarily to dull the pain, but in the long run it doesn't help. Avoid sleep medication. Be kind to yourself. Try to do one thing extra for yourself each week, such as buying yourself a bunch of flowers or going to the cinema. Deal with your feelings. Write down all the feelings that are in your head, especially before going to bed, as this may help you to sleep better. Work on your self-esteem. Your self-esteem may have taken a real knock. To help morale, buy a notebook to record your daily 'successes'. Write at least five successes each day. Acknowledge yourself each time you achieve something, however small. Take things slowly. Making big changes such as moving house, starting a new relationship or changing your job should be delayed for at least six months. Some of this seems like good advice to me; I hope it works for you! And of course, keep posting here, there is always someone here for you to chat to! Take care.
  6. Honey Pumpkin
    Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much of a holiday for you, to be honest. And the only reason you would be going would be to keep an eye on him, is that right? That seems like a lot of money and trust to throw away, if you ask me. He did this last year, and he was faithful. It sounds like he likes going, hanging out with his friends, and talking about bikes. Are you interested in bikes? Would you have fun if you went? I think that it's painful for you because of your jealousy issues - and a lot of women would feel uncomfortable about this, I can see that. But if he's been before and not cheated on you, and it's about the bikes not the chicks, then I would say try not to worry about it, make loads of your own plans for that weekend, and see it as something he likes doing. Good luck!
  7. Honey Pumpkin
    Hmmm. Did she say WHY she hasn't been taking the pill for the last two weeks? That sounds really odd to me, to be honest. Was she trying to get pregnant, or was it a way of frightening you last night? It's not rational, to be honest. Personally, I could not see a guy, sleep with him, and both of us agree to not be exclusive. But you were upfront about how you felt, and so was she. I guess emotions have a nasty habit of catching up with you, but still...I think you WERE clear with her, so it sounds like you've been got different levels of attachment. My advice? Sort out the birth control/pregnancy issues, and then agree not to see each other, because it just sounds (at best) like you're in different places right now, and not good for each other for a casual relationship. And you have been clear that this is all it's going to be, right? So although normally I don't like the line 'this is for your own good', to be honest, in this case I do think you have to break it off with her for her own good. Good luck with this - her not taking the pill is a huge red flag to me, irresponsible and strange. Try to deal with it firmly but tactfully, and sort out your priorities (make sure she's not preganant), and your sexual health. Then I would back right away from this girl as soon as possible. Good luck!
  8. Honey Pumpkin
    I would never sing at karaoke - I always remind myself that I have a dreadful voice, and that I would be humiliated the next day!! If you really want to get up there and give it some welly, then join in a big group karaoke, when you can get lost amidst about 10 other people caterwauling away!!! But I don't think it's a bad thing to go along and not sing, to be honest - the world is full of people desperate to sing in public; by not singing, you can give them the audience that they deserve!
  9. Honey Pumpkin
    You're growing up and shifting perspectives - as Meow says, it's that weird thing when home becomes where you live during term time, rather than home home. Do you still want to carry on seeing your girlfriend, though, or are you considering that things should take a break? It sounds a little bit like you are not too invested in that relationship either, and that probably will be why your girlfriend is upset. Because she will also worry that the relationship is slowly coming to an end. If not, maybe she could visit you at weekends? But I think you're right, this is a great time in your life, and it's good to really make the most of it, rather than spend a third of the time back home and missing out on your college years. Good luck!
  10. Honey Pumpkin
    No, I think it would be nice - ask her out for a drink, a coffee. Anything at all from the conversation you could hook it to? (eg mention of a movie, a favourite drink, somewhere to go, some activity?) I am flattered when I get a call like that. It's nice - and because there is a link (when to school together, friends of friends etc), it feels safer as well than a random stranger. Go for it - let us know how you get on!
  11. Honey Pumpkin
    You have GOT to take birth control - you are risking getting pregnant, as all the other posters are saying. You have got to sort this out - if you're old enough to be having sex, you're old enough to sort out birth control. I would suggest condoms as well, because of the risk of STDs, HIV etc. You're very young, and you are honestly risking ruining your teen years by playing Russian Roulette with the withdrawal method. Is there someone you could talk to about this? I don't know what it's like in the US, but is there a clinic you could go to? What about at school, is there a school nurse you could talk to? I'm realistic - telling teenagers not to have sex is very nice, but I think you need to make sure you cannot get pregnant first, and then sort out whether you're ready to have sex or not. I think you're not, reading your post, but I guess that's easier said than done. PLEASE sort out some form of birth control, okay?? Make it this week's challenge. And if you find you can't do this, then realise that you're not ready to have sex. Take good care of yourself.
  12. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, I went out with a guy who was the same. I was really offended at first ('how can you expect me to put my mouth there and not kiss me afterwards etc', just like you!). But I've asked a few other male friends, and they've said they are slightly squeamish about it too - which is odd. But as people have said, if someone doesn't like something, they dont like it - you can't ARGUE them into something! I like Arwen's suggestions with the strawberries - I used to have a quick bathroom break and gargle, before continuing. I know it's a pain, but I suppose I want my bloke to be sensitive to my wants and needs, so it goes two ways. So long as he's good in bed with you in other ways, I suppose it's something you can deal with. But I think it's a fairly common reaction, if that's what you were asking.
  13. Honey Pumpkin
    On difficult anniversaries, sometimes I've done the opposite, which is to go by the sea (always works for me) and have a good think and kind of let myself mourn. Sort of like giving myself permission to grieve, and be kind to myself? That or distracting yourself - the theme park idea sounds like a great idea. But definitely plan something, so you're in control of how you handle the day, rather than try to make it a regular day with your normal routine. I'm sorry that you can't work it out - that must be so hard to deal with. Take care
  14. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, I know that porn is a thorny issue on here, and that people have many different takes on it. My personal thoughts are that it's a person's choice to look at porn, and provided it's legal then I think it's up to them. So I don't think your dad is a bad person for looking at porn - I don't want people to jump on me here, but every man I've ever known has looked at porn at some time or other during their life. And many women too. However, you're his teenage daughter and it's upsetting and confusing for you. I can see that - but he's still your dad, he's not bad or good for looking at porn, you've just seen that he's an adult as well as being 'dad'. You could talk to him about it if you have a good relationship, and just ask that he doesn't keep it on anything you're ever going to have access to (do you have a shared pc, btw????). Or you could talk to someone older that you trust - aunt, sister, friend? Or you could talk it through with someone else, someone who will be confidential. There are great helplines available for kids in the UK, and I wonder if this might be an option? Just a safe environment for you to talk aloud about how you feel without being judged or having other people's opinions about the ethics of porn influencing the argument. It's hard to realise your parents are adults with private lives, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. But maybe it's a way of bringing these issues out into the open? Good luck with whatever you decide to do (if anything). Take good care of yourself!
  15. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi Kanbi, Just put it from your mind. It could be that he looks at porn, it could be that your parents look at porn together, it could be that someone was using his computer and looking at porn. Your parents are together, that's good. Everyone is entitled to a private life, and if you're not their partner, then it's really no one else's business. Must have been a bit of a shock for you though! But honestly, just tell yourself that it was an accident and nothing to do with your dad, and do your level best to forget about it. Take care!
  16. Honey Pumpkin
    That's got to sting, I'm sorry you're in such pain right now. I think you answered your own question - that it was a mistake to go from being in a relationship to being broken up to dating again. But I don't think you were in the wrong; how did he expect you to switch your feelings on and off like that? I'm not quite sure what the ground rules for the dating were, but they clearly weren't working for you, were they? So, I don't think you can 'date' him again - you have feelings for him which he doesn't return. But you can start to heal from him; don't feel pathetic, you took a risk and were brave. You just have to go back to not contacting him, not thinking about him, and focusing on you and getting over this setback. Be nice to yourself, look after yourself, and don't worry about 'messing up' - I think your ex sounds a bit wet, to be honest. What was he expecting, that you could just date and no feelings would be involved? Take good care of yourself - it WILL get better, take it day by day. Post here when you want to vent!
  17. Honey Pumpkin
    Well, you've shelled out the money, so what have you got to lose? Give it a go and see how it pans out. I must say, it wouldn't work for me, because I need a regular income, but it's always worth trying for the experience. Just out of interest, are you trying for all kinds of work? Are you answering ads, or writing on spec? Because I think that there is always a way of getting a job, but it IS a business/career in itself. Things like shaping every CV/application specifically to each job, etc. There is some really good advice out there about job-hunting.
  18. Honey Pumpkin
    That's so hard on your boyfriend. What a horrible story - I wonder why his mother laid this secret on him? It's so strange. I don't think you can DO anything, in terms of advice. I think you should let your boyfriend talk it out with you as he needs, but stick clear of any judgement at all. Try to be neutral and kind, because if you defend/attack his mother, he will take the alternative position and you WILL end up fighting about it. Just be kind and open, and sympathetic. I do think this will fizzle out though - don't know if you want to tell your b/f this; it sounds like a cyber fling, and his mother has got into a silly schoolgirl crush. Three years? Forget it - not going to happen. It might ease your boyfriend's mind if he sees it like this, as a bit of online flirting that got out of hand. I can't see it lasting the three years under those circumstances (but I'm just guessing here!) Anyway, good luck - it's great that your boyfriend can confide in you, and that you have good communication going. I'm sure you will be able to help him sort his head out about all this just by being there!!
  19. Honey Pumpkin
  20. Honey Pumpkin
    You're definitely not ugly! You're very nice looking. Dearie me, what is it with this place? All these gorgeous people not getting how attractive they are!
  21. Honey Pumpkin
    Could you get a referral through your doctor? That would probably be the easiest way forward. I don't know, there are a few ways listed on that self esteem site: Some of the most common places to get referrals include: Your primary care doctor State psychological organizations Clinics at colleges or universities Hospitals Community mental health centers Local clergy Friends Family members The Yellow Pages
  22. Honey Pumpkin
    Why are you having an affair with a married man? It's just that you don't sound terribly happy at all with the situation. Is it a way of avoiding commitment, not so much with him but in general? I don't know, leaving aside the morality of is, my feeling about affairs with married men is that you are always setting yourself up for a world of pain. Why waste your fabulous self on someone who is cheating on someone, who can't be there for the important stuff, who can't be what you deserve to be in your life? I wonder why you're doing this - and to be honest, I don't think you know, do you? Because, with respect, you don't sound like you even like him that much. It's hard to work out these feelings, and hard to discuss because people will condemn you for having an affaire with a married man. But why do you think you are attracted to this kind of relationship? Where does your fear of commitment come from? I hope you can work this out in your mind and use us here to work it out - because I don't think you sound happy, and to be honest I don't think this relationship will make you happy. Take care of yourself.
  23. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, It sounds to me like you have low self-esteem, which is focused on your looks, but also about your self-worth as a woman. And whilst you may look gorgeous to others, your attitude about yourself if that you don't think you are gorgeous, which may explain the dichotomy that men find you attractive but don't ask you out? Some of the tests of low self-esteem (from another website): Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self Esteem Social withdrawal Anxiety and emotional turmoil Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness Less social conformity Eating disorders Inability to accept compliments An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself Accentuating the negative Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think Self neglect Treating yourself badly but NOT other people Worrying whether you have treated others badly Reluctance to take on challenges Reluctance to trust your own opinion Expect little out of life for yourself I've put in bold the ones that immediately struck me from your post - I wonder if this could be the case with you? There are loads of ways to start building self-esteem, and to start seeing yourself as the vibrant, gorgeous woman that others see. (I'm trying to do this for myself, so not telling you this as someone who has managed it, lol). Good idea to carry on seeking out the therapist, because I think the fact that you are determined to change and develop is a sign that you are ready to realise that you are your fabulous self! Good luck with this
  24. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi Borashi, I believe that if we have a passion for something, then we should pursue it. Do you have dependents? Savings? I think you should go for option B if it's possible, or option A if you do have to support others. Option C, no, I wouldn't do that. Before you know it, if you do this, you'll be 40 and wishing you had taken a risk. Maybe you could see a career's adviser to talk this through? What works for me when I have big life choices is to really think it through, weigh up the pros and cons, talk it through with people, do thorough research, and then - having thought it through properly - I would say take the more demanding option. Saying that, only you can tell which is the 'right' move for you. I hope you do decide to go for it - anyone who has a passion, I think they owe it to themselves to pursue it as far as they can, whilst not taking ridiculous risks! Maybe someone in the US can advise you about university there, but all the best no matter what you decide! Good luck.
  25. Honey Pumpkin
    What were you planning to do if you hadn't lost your job? Just curious, because no job would pay that much by Monday. I don't live in California, but if life is that urgent I would do the following: try family members (can they wire the money to you); talk to the people you owe money to (can they wait till the end of the week?). It's always better to approach your creditors if you can't pay rather than not pay and wait for them to come to you. Thirdly, anything you have that you can sell? Car/jewellry that kind of stuff. Sorry, not much help I know - good luck with this. Try not to panic, just be open and honest with people and work your way through it. Good luck.
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