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About sfindependent

  • Birthday 10/21/1979

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  1. Yea,I guess I misspoke. So its a yes and a no. I think the impulsivity, if I had better reinforcement when I was younger, could have been curbed. But then again, much like you I dont want to blame it on mental illness. Im hard on myself. I blame my lack of fortitude. I overcame things such as higher education. Why can't I handle honesty? I'm an adult. I should know better and yet here I am. I feel I plateau'd with personal growth. What has been keeping me from becoming a better version of myself? It may not be the adhd. But it doesn't help it any better, thats for sure. So here i am, blaming myself. Maybe its the adhd, maybe its my own character. Either or, I dont want to hurt my friends, family and lovers with my bendable value system. I take it personally when my strength of character fails. But then again, I do fail. Which is why im here, and why im receiving therapy, why im on meds.
  2. Thank you. As I mentioned above, I dont associate my life challenges with adhd but now that I know that this has been a part of my struggle, feel both relief and anxiety over the challenges I've to overcome. Im well within my 40s and im just realizing that my unconscious behaviors aren't necessarily because I'm a bad person or a lazy or weak. I wake up everyday and advocate for other people for work. But I never saw why I do what I do. I just want to be a better person. Someone who has values that aren't so malleabl
  3. In that case envy you. (But I also feel a bit judged by you) I never really attributed my life to be so affected by adhd. And believe me, ive my masters, lived alone for how many years, have a regular life. I have never attributed any of my failings to adhd, nor do I want it to be an excuse or a crutch. Even today, I still don't believe its that. But therapy, reading pages of other people's studies and experiences, and applying insight to my situation has helped me open my eyes to what has been a silent barrier to my otherwise ok life. Obviously we have our own experiences and through therapy im also discovering the deficits of upbringing that has influenced how I think and behave. My family has always been forgetful, impulsive, etc that now really seems like a life long upbringing of people with adhd themselves. They're good people. But Ive never associated these things to how I behave at this point in my life. I just feel There's a lot of rewriting, re learning and readjusting to do. I just don't know where and how to start even with the therapy and activities. Its also overwhelming and I just tend to freeze at the thought of how incredible of an uphill battle this could be.
  4. He said "values are nothing until you exercise them", something like that. I also have adhd,which I'm now getting medicated for. It's a battle between always reminding myself, remembering, identifying its an impulse, knowing what my boundaries are, and making sure people I love feel loved. Someone here said "I hate it when adhd is used as an excuse" and I thought that was unfair to say. Until recently I thought I was a normal good guy who was on top of my ish. This is a new world and im finding that when to stir, and stirring the pot the other way takes a lot of conscious effort. Any daily exercises I can do?
  5. Coming put of a relationship, twisted and hurt. Honestly, i want another chance with my ex. But either that's moot point or it'll be forever until we even get close to having a superficial conversation. I never blamed her for anything. I know and own every mistake I did that led to where I am today. So I move on. Its been a few months now. Broke up somewhere between September and October of 2020. Since then, she had moved to a different state. She tried giving low contact a chance but she felt the wounds never healed and ultimately went NC. I got the hint one day when she quietly unfriended me from all social media. I did the same and unfollowed her as well. I havent reached out and have been on NC Since November, except once in January of 2021 when I mailed her a small box of her mail (we lived together for a bit). I included some of her personal belongings she left, a cook book and a couple of chilis I know she loves. I didnt leave a note or letter, didn't expect her to respond nor did I want anything in return. Personally I've been seeing a therapist. I've been seeing an addiction specialist as well, who insists i dont need her services. Ive also started seeing a credit specialist to help me with my credit and finances and have been to date casually. Pandemic obviously plays a big role in dating but that's another story. Since I started therapy, I've been digging up the reasons why I behave the way I behaved in this relationship. When I was growing up, I was taught the different values of what makes a man. Integrity, courage, family, honesty etc. But i was also taught I can bend those values to fit my narrative. I dont blame my family for teaching me both my boundaries and how to easily break them, but here I am now. My ex pointed out when we broke up how different we were in values and I was confused since I had thought we had similar ones. Only now do I realize she's better with her boundaries and my inability to stick to my values were more of an issue than even having them. I didnt cherish them as much as she did. So I've been working with my therapist to identify boundaries, and re establish my values, but I dont know where to begin. Honesty for example, is an important value but I was taught honesty was less important than hurting others with the truth. So I learned lying as a way to show I care, by protecting them from MY truths. Lying was used to survive. Little did I know it was really a barrier from me experiencing true love, romantic or otherwise. Id really want to be a good man. To her or to my next lover. Therapy, Journaling, seem great but I want more. Any suggestions?
  6. yes, it was mostly the dopamine rush. I was raised catholic (hooray, guilt) and my parameters for relationships are traditionally monogamous, but life directs you to learning new things about yourself and how you approach life, so one of the things that I picked up was that, while monogamy is the name of the game, the ties aren't as tight and being fluid is more of a path to happiness than rigidity and deprivation. In other words, my default is monogamy, but poly life isn't out of the cards, but not a necessity. I remember when we were finally able to talk about what made ME unhappy was the fact that it felt as instead of talking to me about her concerns, she chose to ignore that part of me. I didn't need her to be Poly, i just wanted her to understand the idealisms that made me tick. Yes, the flickering through tinder was more of a way to scratch an itch, but nothing more. I told her I flirted with people but never really planned on carrying anything out, and if I did, would have had a conversation with her. However, it was a double edged sword as well. I found it harder and harder to talk to her, and with the compounding complications that COVID, and life troubles she personally had, accommodating her depression made it less of a priority to do so. Since she moved clear across the country, she inadvertently made it next to impossible to reconcile romantically. I live on the west coast and she lives deep in the south. Our connection was deep, but I feel there were mistakes that were committed that drove a wedge between us. Frankly, I even feel so much so that the "tindering" was more forgivable and that was only used to break off with me because of everything else happening to her. It was the straw the broke the camel's back, but it wasn't the real cause of the breakup. Life i feel, was the cause. I never had a doubt how much i cared and wanted to be with her. I'm very rooted where i'm currently at, but have made efforts to move across the country to be with her and build a life with her. In my own way, i was committed to her that I wanted to start exploring life with her away from places I was comfortable with. You're all right, I should do a clean break. But I feel as if I should at least try to see where this "talking" path goes first and have a come to jesus talk with her about my plans in life and how I want her to be part of it. THAT, or maybe writing here would make it easier for me to clear my head and accept that there will never be a reconciliation with her. To put it in her words "Its better to end things where we love each other deeply". a point i do not understand, but ok. I thought i'd be happy to be in contact with my ex, but i suppose there's a difference between being in contact with her, and being in contact with her with a goal to rekindle or rebuild trust in our relationship. Still confused. But thank you for talking me through things. I suppose I should ask her what the point of being in contact was, if there's no goal or direction.
  7. Hi all... Back here after a while. and please, be nice. I know what I did. Part of this post is to hopefully get advice, and part of it is to really get into my head and collect my thoughts. Been dating this awesome girl for 2 years. Put a lot of effort in it, as best as I could. A small part of this relationship she had to move across the state for work. We agreed on two things, one was I would try to move out to where she was at some point (goal was within a year) and second, I would tell her if I decided to see other people (I'm not clear if we were going to do open relationship at this point since distance). Shortly thereafter, while she was out, she got hit by a natural disaster, causing her to lose her new apartment, COVID and subsequently lose her job. She stayed at family for a moment, and we made a decision she come back to where I lived and hunker down through the pandemic. We had a lot of adventures through out this time. while we were great with domestic life, we also had a great friendship, had a ton of adventures camping and long weekend drives and never argued about money or fair share of jobs at home. We reminded each other daily how we loved and valued one another. I would periodically bring home flowers, or shop for things she would like to have at home. The weekend before we broke up i vividly remembered driving home from camp how much I appreciated her being there with me. HER: She was obviously depressed but through the time we were together, slowly withdrew herself from communicating her needs effectively. She was away from family, had no job and was basically a dog sitter for my dogs whenever I was at work. ME: I've had history of a slowly emerging preference for non monogamy. With which I had told her about. She made clear that she wasn't into it. And I was open to trying monogamy, but wanted some freedoms. We partook in several sex parties (never hooked up with anyone else) and she went to several poly meet ups. However, as time passed, I noticed that she stopped addressing this need. I didn't mind being monogamous, but I wanted her to at least acknowledge it in conversation which she ultimately started to ignore. While she was in another state, I downloaded Tinder. I had no intention of meeting up with people and just liked "liking" profiles to sort of get my dopamine fix. I made the mistake of not telling her what I had did. Fast forward to the future, her depression had come to a head. Throughout her stay with me, she all but one time, never left the house except to walk the dogs. She mostly would only leave if I were with her. She also started noticing I had ADHD tendencies (I ultimately found out, that part of my tindering was symptoms of ADHD) to which denied at first, but slowly started to address. It didn't help that we both started self medicating. She started using edibles to help her sleep, and I foolishly started taking them as well. My symptoms worsened with the mixture of edibles, alcohol and my ADHD medication. The night we broke up, i emphasized during dinner how wonderful our relationship was and reiterated our plan of getting a bigger apartment once she gets a new job. But right before we went to bed she saw across my shoulder that I had the tinder app on my phone while i was surfing the internet for the latest presidential news. Naturally, she immediately flipped out. She threatened to break up with me unless I show her my profile. I said no, and told her I needed to sleep my high off and we can talk in the morning. By morning we broke up and the next day, she had booked her flight home. From then on, we had been talking. We had maybe a week or so of no contact, but we never defriended each other on social media, and still have access to each other's media profiles (hulu, disney) that we shared (i still pay for half). it's been a month and we've texted heavily several times. No sexting, but catching up. We had a couple of heavy conversations on which I had apologized for my behavior and told her I was still interested in working things out with her. I had told her that I was serious about how sorry i was and how important she was to me, that I was willing to be a better partner for her. So I initiated seeing a therapist for my ADHD, changing my meds, seeing an addiction specialist for my alcohol consumption (they told me my drinking, while heavy, wasn't as concerning as I had imagined it would be and would only need voluntary minimal counseling). I also requested to have a job change (not going to happen for a while) to improve my chances of getting my license to improve my chances of working remote. She had told me that she wasnt interested in getting back together with me and that, since she still loves me, would not want to be best friends again. She said she's still in love with me and being best friends would only lead her to want to be together instead. She requested space and I've respected that. However, she would like pics on my social media, post comments, and will chat with me via text for hours as if we were back together again. She mentioned at some point that "our conversation felt as if the goal is getting back together" and I said "no goal". I told her that "i wouldnt want to get back together anyway, until I realize what made me do the things I did to hurt you. I'm just glad we're here supporting each other". She even said "we should inspire each other to be better". It's clear she's happy being home. and it seems she's picking herself back up now that she's got a job offer. I'm also feeling my new meds and so i'm thinking a lot clearer and more focused on the things I've to do with my life (just need to get motivation hahah, damn ADHD) Anyway, i'm unclear as to what is going on between us. She would initiate a like on my social media and then mostly i would initiate the chatting but when I do, we would spend hours chatting online via messenger. She had mentioned a few weeks ago that we should take a week or so break from video chatting and i've respected that request and hadn't asked her about it since. I'm still unclear about what to do right now. I'm not sure how to proceed. Do I go no contact? Do I draw lines? I know I'm the one who pushed her out finally from my use of tinder, but what do i do? Do i leave her alone? Do i keep talking to her? I know I should lessen initiating contact, that's for sure. But what can make our contact more meaningful?
  8. I really tried. I told you from the get go that I was in the midst of an awakening from monogamy to polyamory which, you were very clear you didnt want. I told you I wanted to work it out with you. We didn't know how but I was damn ok with opening up with you and trying to find a common ground. the first year was great. You told me that you needed to establish trust and love between us. I told you, we don't need to do anything poly at the time, but just take the time to remind me you know that part of me, acknowledge it and make me think you love me as a whole. I know I f'd up when i downloaded a dating app without consulting you. I was wrong for not bringing this up. But I feel i'm not the only one to blame. I'd take the time to remind you through humorous memes, through sending you articles, through telling you why and where I probably learned polyamory from. But it never came. It was vilified. You explicitly reminded me that you have no intention to understand who i was fully. What was I to do? Everything else about us worked. I was willing to go to the otherside of the country. i wanted to work but i had a need that needed to be fulfilled and you never wanted to understand who and why my mind worked the way it worked. you begrudgingly went with me a couple of poly parties and a couple of sex parties but i told you there's more to what and why i believed in about connection. then even worse was your luck this year. Natural disasters, covid and unemployment and the difficulty of finding a job. Depression hit you and I couldnt make you feel happier. I just did my thing, lived my life. And now we're here. at the end. will you ever want to try to make it work?
  9. yea, that would mean I can't have credit cards or loans for the next 7 years. Plus the consolidation would increase the debt i had. The bank said it wasn't worth the effort to do so.
  10. I just wanted to vent. I feel stuck, yet again. For a loooong time, i was stuck with bad financial debt. But after a while i was able to knock my debt down and even raised my credit to be able to buy a car. But i got laid off shortly after that, after having an argument with another manager about taking someone else's home away from them (completely legit, but i felt it wasn't ethical for me to do so at the time and circumstance). At the same time, i was burning out from work. I decided to take a different job and move away from social work after more than a decade of being witness to people's tragedies numerous times over. The job, I thought, would be a great ticket to opening up new windows for me in hopes of a new career. i decided to take a pay cut with a chance of a monthly bonus. It's been over 6 months since i started and every month i financially take a step back further into debt. my credit has turned to poop once again and i'm always trying to catch up to overdrawn accounts. It's easy to say "don't spend as much" but with what i save, it goes to another late account. It's a vicious cycle. I have been trying to get a higher paying job and it's been a few months of not even getting interviews. I was able to get into supplemental tests for qualifying applicants but i came up short .8 points. I also failed my second licensure exams by 8points. I tried the gig economy. I do lyft and i feel it's not worth the time, the cons seem to outweigh the good. the mileage on my car, moreso, i feel that the actual need to drive for lyft is furthering my feelings of self worth and confidence. I'm breaking into hives and haven't had the desire to work out, to pursue social activities, to study for my licensure. Thankfully my girlfriend is supportive but she doesn't know the depth of how i'm slowly going through the brink of a financial decline. I need advice. I'm very task oriented and need direction. I know I've gotten out of it before and I can do it again. i just need that jump start again.
  11. Thats the thing. Breaking up for obvious reasons such as fighting, cheating and incompatibility makes leaving someone more definitive. Why would you stick around for that? But i honestly think there's more to it than just our life choices. I ultimately want a monogsmous relationship. Im just at a crossroads right now. But given my other extentuating circumstances such as my employment and my career, its added on to the difficulty of making a decision as to what i want or need to do. I find our values and sense of humor and coping skills and our love language to be very similar. Im very attracted to her and being with other people, makes them (other people) less interesting. I want her and her company. My friends said to wait a month. After the 15th of october. Thats when i get to take my livensure boards. Until then they told me to hunker down and focus on my life. What do i have to offer until then? She doesnt fit the person of whom would be interested in riches or galore. She just wants something stable. At this time, im not. But that doesnt mean to say im not twisting myself into knots and hitting myself for letting her go. I can so easily text her. What made you (whomever is reading this) decide to jump and go into the unknown?
  12. And thats what we had. We were, for a short amount of time, pretty good towards each other. I realize that, this heart break and grief should be brief given our courtship, but i think my issues stem more from our differences and what im willing to do to continue that. I feel as if, we could have had a longer time together if only i was willing to commit or provide some willingness to compromise. I told my friend, that in the short amount of time together, i built enough "credit" that, hopefully when i decide to revisit our relationship she'd be more willing to try it out due to how good we ended things instead of ending it "poorly". Im sure no one knows exactly, but i dont know when and how "im supposed to know" if its time. I do feel excited thinking of being with her. And not just in a sexual way. I liked our dynamics when we were together e.g. im at the museum with a friend today and all i can think of is how much fun me and Farmer would have spending a lovely sunday at the museum together.
  13. Shes 34 and im 38. We both are open to kids in the future. A friend adviced, that i should wait a month when i pick myself up and am done with my boards. Im pretty successful with my career but recently found myself unemployed. Im burned out. And my friend suggested to wait when ive something to offer, so to speak. I know i should follow their sound advice, but am curious. Should i wait that long?
  14. Suppose i do want to try. Suppose i do want to reach out. What or when is a good time to drop a hello? I know i cant just drop the "i made a mistake" or "i want to try it out" willy nilly. But the more i think about it the more it makes sense. A friend of mine siggested to wait a month. Thats when id have my head together. My act together, hopefully. Id have taken my boards. Id have figured out my direction. And id feel more secure about myself. Would waiting a month be too late? What am i going to say?
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