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Honey Pumpkin

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Everything posted by Honey Pumpkin

  1. Honey Pumpkin
    Well, he's probably thinking you're not talking to him to be honest. I mean, you're upset that you haven't communicated, but you didn't get back in touch with him. I'm sorry you're in pain - do you want to be friends with him? Sometimes after a break-up, that's not really an option. Some people cannot cope with being friends with a lover immediately afterwards, they need a break to adjust to the loss.
  2. Honey Pumpkin
    I'm sorry, I read that twice and I couldn't see any insult. Maybe it's just me being thick, but I honestly can't see that she's being especially rude to you, just saying that her ex looks happy; you all look happy in photos, so you're all happy with your new photos? Sorry, maybe I'm just not getting it, but I don't think there is any insult there.
  3. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, Do you know, the subject of porn is the one that seems to come up the most often, and divides people the most on here. My take on it - for what it's worth - is that I think most men do watch porn, especially now the internet has made it easier than ever. Or at least the ones I know have done. I think that occasionally watching porn isn't the worst thing in the world, and it just kind of is. (I don't like it myself, I find porn exploitative). The difference is when someone gets addicted to porn, and that can be incredibly destructive to a relationship. I was talking to a psycho-sexual therapist (I work with one!) abou this, and she was saying that it's a bad sign when the person prefers to watch increasingly explicit porn and doesn't want to have 'normal' relations with the person in the bed next to them - that is a bad sign, and often signals the end of the relationship. Hmmm. I guess it's about all things in moderation, eh? And I know some women really like porn as well, and watching it with their partners - maybe it's if it's 'erotic' as opposed to gynacological? I don't know - tough subject. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a LOT of people watch porn, and they just like it but it doesn't mean anything. But if you hate your boyfriend watching porn, that's kind of all right too. Tricky subject.
  4. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi Alex, I would never let a partner make me choose between him/her and my family. I think that's so sad, and wrong. I'm a bit biased, because my brother died a few years ago, and I wish with all my heart that he was still alive. A relative to get old with, who you love and who knew you as a child and where you're from - too precious to give up becasue of some girlfriend's attitude, if you ask me. I would talk to her openly and honestly about this if I were you - your girlfriend is the issue. What exactly is the problem? What is she willing to do to get over this problem, because not seeing your brother is not an option. If she is unwilling to compromise or work out a solution - hmmm, I would question the relationship to be honest. Make her part of the answer, give her the responsibilyt for making it work. GOod luck - it's a tough issue, but I would strongly say that you should maintain your family relationships, rather than give up because of your girlfriend's dislikes.
  5. Honey Pumpkin
    For me, No Contact is spoken of a LOT here, sometimes perhaps too often. However, that said, a lot of people who post here are in horrible pain, and it is the right thing for them. NC I think allows you to heal, and also gives you that dignity which you will be glad of in about 6 months. The memory of pleading/begging/stalking/crying etc is never a good one, whereas NC is easier to deal with! It also gives you the space to get over someone, to get used to them just not being in your life. For it to work, I think it has to be NC in more than just contact, but deleting them from your life and thoughts. Easier said than done, believe me! But not seeing them online (delete and block), not having texts and emails, not having pictures around - all these let you move on. I read a great challenge on 43 things, which was 'not contact him/her for 60 days'. That seemed good to me, because for every single person who did that, by the end of the 60 days they felt a LOT happier and more settled than people who lived from hope to hope, from brief phone call to text. If you think one last meeting would help, then go for it. But then after that, it has to start again. You have to focus on yourself, and accept that for whatever reason, the relationship with your ex is over, and NOTHING you can do will bring them back. Absolutely nothing. The best you can do is focus on yourself and heal yourself. I'm sorry you're hurting - break ups are incredibly tough. Take good care!
  6. Honey Pumpkin
    Have a quick chat with her on the phone, because she might want to check out that you are who you say you are. That seems fine. Just say that you are better in person than on the phone, keep it light and friendly, and don't sweat it too much. But you probably do have to have a quick phone call first, before she meets up with you. Suggest meeting for a coffee or something equally low-key at first, which is time-limited and safe. That's the best way to go for now. Good luck!
  7. Honey Pumpkin
    I think that emotional infidelity through online romance is a HUGE and growing area. People engaged in an online affair go through several personality changes and often believe that an online affair isn’t really cheating. They believe it is a harmless flirtation because it doesn’t involve any “physical touching”. However, the emotional pain and devastation is just the same. I personally think your wife is being incredibly insensitive, to carry on this relationship and to shut you out. I think personally that counselling is the way forward for you and your wife, so that you can explore WHY she is doing this, and she can understand what it's doing to you and your marriage. Don't accept it as normal -it's really not, and it is a form of being unfaithful. You are right to have these feelings of being hurt and betrayed, and it's not something YOU have to get over, but an issue that you both need to address. Talk to your wife, tell her that she is destroying your marriage, and that you both need to address this head on. Good luck.
  8. Honey Pumpkin
    well, so long as you don't make a mistake and say 'voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir'. Ah, Lady Marmalade... Erm, sounds cute, could go wrong. You could ask her out for un petit cafe avec moi or something... Good luck!
  9. Honey Pumpkin
    There's a lot on study skills and exam skills. A lot of it is about breaking it down into simple concepts, and giving yourself a HOOK to remember things. Make it very very visual - and weave a story around it. Also, I think there is a difference between deep and surface learning. I used to try to explain the topic I was studying to someone else, and that would make me realise that I KNEW the subject as opposed to regurgitating it. My mother learned a lot about the French Revolution! Have a look at this site as well: link removed I used to use mind maps extensively - there is something about getting everything down on to one sheet of paper that focuses the mind! And don't worry - a lot of it is all about application and keeping going. Good luck!
  10. Honey Pumpkin
    Yep, you did exactly the right thing. He can sort out his life and his unemployment check himself, it's not your problem. Well done! And yes, I think you did have to respond and tell him that you had done this. Now I hope he will just leave you alone permanently. And well done for not running after him and sorting himself out. Believe me, if it were MY money, that would be the first thing I woudl sort out. Go and pamper yourself this evening, and tell yourself that you did the right thing!
  11. Honey Pumpkin
    I don't know - if you're that close and there is no attraction, I wouldn't try. Because there is a friendship there that can be spoiled. Sometimes you just don't fancy someone, it's a shame but it's just the way it is.
  12. Honey Pumpkin
    What I would LOVE to get (and it's not too romantic) is a really nice fountain pen. I have a yen for pens though, so maybe I'm not to be trusted on this one, but that would just make me melt if I got that. I like stationery generally, so maybe a beautiful bound journal, or a book that's hard to get/track down? Candlesticks are nice, so are picture frames. Or really nice glasses. But yeah, the pen would do it for me - because it's not romantic, you could have something sweet 'so that you keep in touch with me', and it's a great present. I hope you're not too hurt by this - I think love is never wasted, sometimes it's enough to say 'I think you're great' and move on. Good luck.
  13. Honey Pumpkin
    Normally I dont' think people should send emails to exes, but I have to say, I thought your email was very dignified and it brought a tear to my eye. (I have 'flu, though, so am crying at everything!). I thought it was well written, and generally got your point accross, and it brought YOU closure. Good for you. Now what? Maybe let him respond, see what he has to say - you don't want to get back together, but you do have a fondness for him. I would let this exchange go one more time, and then end it again. But it was a good email - it said what you wanted it to say, and it didn't beg for him to get back in touch. Good luck.
  14. Honey Pumpkin
    I dislike your description of 'bad looking' and 'good looking'. It supposes that we all agree on what is attractive. We don't. I'm with Batya and Dako and others - I have NEVER been attracted to 'model' type people. The men that I find attractive - well it varies hugely. But it's never bland, good looking types. I like men who are: tolerant, funny, have integrity, intelligent, are quirky, and are interesting. Their looks? Pah, not really. I can find 'bad looking' people utterly gorgeous, because of who they are. I'm not gorgeous, but (without bragging) men who like me, they *really* like me. It's not universal, but who wants to be some bland identikit construct of what hollywood has to offer? I really don't. Have you ever known someone who isn't that gorgeous when you first meet them, and then you find out that they have the most fantastic smile? I know people like that - their smile lights up the room. Or their personality is so warm and interesting that everyone is drawn to them like a magnet? You posted a similar thread earlier - I'm sorry that you are analysing looks to such a degree. Sure, looks count, but only in that everyone is attractive to someone. Some men like fat girls, thin girls, tall girls, short girls, long hair, short hair etc etc. Women like different types too. I honestly believe that everyone can be gorgeous in their own way - the key is not in genetic looks, but in so much more. So your post, I don't know, it just seems a little bit immature with your emphasis on 'bad' and 'good' looks - a very young way of seeing the world. Life is a zillion times more weird and complicated thant hat.
  15. Honey Pumpkin
    Why wait until 8 months in? There is nothing anyone could (or should) do to change their past. If this was so important to you, I can't help but think you should have made it a condition up front. What do you call 'a lot'? What would you consider acceptable? What combinations? ie what if she's done a lot of men, but always been faithful and so on? Is that better than someone with a lower number who has had threesomes/foursomes? What about same sex experience? I just think it's a minefield, and there are no absolutes. The important thing: are you happy? are you both faithful?
  16. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi there, Just read through your story, and it's long and involved, and as Scout says, neither man is available to you in a meaningful way. I think Bob sounds horrible, to be honest, and I would steer clear from him from now on. Regarding your inmate, I can understand that - women who fall for death row prisoners is quite common, isn't it, and there are a range of reasons why you might be drawn to him. In real life - I dont' know; you seem to be very giving and (too?) understanding. I think you need to work on your self-esteem, and work out WHY you are drawn to unavailable men. I'm sorry, I'm not very helpful here - I do think Bob is bad news, though, and just cut him out of your life. You deserve so much better.
  17. Honey Pumpkin
    Hmmm. Dreams are weird. Sometimes I think they're your brain being very clever. But then it's just as likely that your brain has picked up on these fears and is working through them. I wouldn't worry about them too much to be honest. I don't know if your boyfriend is slipping away. No one here can tell you that. Because we're not you or him. The thing that I can suggest is that you sit down together and talk things through, and try to understand where you're coming from. Are these realistic fears? They may be, or they may be you driving him away. Do you normally have fears like this about him? Or does this feel completely different? Whatever, communication has to be the key here. Good luck.
  18. Honey Pumpkin
    There was an interesting thread on here where someone suggested that shy people often aimed for impossibly high/unattainable people because they were doomed to failure, and thus need not get their toes wet in the dating game. Just a thought. Your post was interesting, but worried. Unprepared to take risks, and that it should be 50/50 attraction. Which sounds great, but you know what? Sometimes life is just not like that. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there, make yourself vulnerable and possibly hurt. So instead of doing these mental calculations, start asking people out. Ask a girl out for a coffee, or a film. Take risks, stop waiting for the perfect girl and the perfect proportion of feelings, just take a chance. Be friendly and outgoing - accept every social invitation that comes your way; make yourself talk to EVERYONE, to all girls, not just your 'high standards'. Someone who is approachable and confident is very attractive you know! And practice makes perfect - the more you put yourself out there, the easier it gets to see it as just a coffee, just a date, not your whole life on the line. Good luck!
  19. Honey Pumpkin
    Hi Devast, Forget all the tags and names for a moment - read what you've written. You dumped her. WHY did you do that? There must have been a reason why the relationship wasn't going so well. Because it does read a bit like you hurt because she doesn't want you back - but do you want her back? Why did you dump her in the first place? It seems like you've been playing games with this girl, and that's incredibly confusing. Before you can move forward, you ahve to know what you want, what you REALLY want, with regard to this relationship. Not just wanting what you can't have, if that makes sense? I'm sorry you're hurting. I think some space to work through this might be what you need, to help clarify the confusion that you're feeling. Good luck!
  20. Honey Pumpkin
    I know it's kind of hard, but if it were me - I would bring it up with the person directly. Not in a horrible, confrontational way, but asking them about: "Hi x, I wanted to talk to you about this because we've been friends for years. I've heard that you have been saying things about me, which seems to me to suggest that you are hurt or mad at me. I'd like to get to the bottom of this between the two of us..." etc Give it a go, see if you can open up and work out what's going on. If it can't be resolved, then I would firmly say that this friendship was no longer good for me, and as Ellie says distance myself from it. But I would give it a go first. Good luck!
  21. Honey Pumpkin
    It seems that you are communicating well, and these issues are evenly matched, which is kind of handy! That you are both feeling it. So does it help to know that if he won't cheat, you won't cheat, and vice versa? I was looking at some sites about how to build trust, and one of the tips was being predictable. Which means that you are both consistent with each other - phone when you say you will, be where you say you will, generally actions supporting your words, so that you both become more confident in the other. There are some articles here about how to build trust (on this site!) that you might want to have a look at as well: Good luck!
  22. Honey Pumpkin
    Hmmm. Difficult. I don't think they are obstacles that you CAN'T get over, it depends on how much it matters to you. Smoking - I'm an occasional smoker, but no one would ever know! I agree with Arwen, you can smoke outside on your own, use breath mints etc. So it doesn't impact on you. But people only quit for themselves, and they KNOW it's bad for them. I don't think there's much you can do about that apart from encouragement. Nagging doesn't work! Re the meat eating thing. Tougher - my friend's husband gave up eating meat for her, mainly because of the cooking thing (so they could eat together). What really upsets you? Is it him eating meat in front of you, and you find it distasteful, or is it that he eats meat and it's the whole ethical thing? Because if it's the practicalities, you can deal with that. If it's disapproval about his life choices, that's harder. It's very very hard to be in a relationship where you think your partner is looking down on you, and can be damaging. Maybe it's about respecting each other's choices, and not criticising either way? Personally, I was very VERY idealistic when I was younger (green issues, vegetarianism, politics etc etc). I still am to some extent - but in other people, I have come to realise that I value other things as well: kindness, loyalty, integrity and so on. If my boyfriend could offer me these things, I would be prepared to compromise on the other issues. Just a thought - but it's up to you about what you can and cannot live with. Good luck.
  23. Honey Pumpkin
    How about looking at some books to get you going? Like The Beauty Bible, or something? That's online actually: link removed They have great tips about the best products to try - really useful. One thing that ALWAYS makes me feel great is wearing perfume. It's hard to feel like a slob when you smell exquisite! Maybe start off small - like washing your face and doing your hair in a simple style every morning, and putting on some tinted moisturiser (cannot go wrong slapping it on!) and some tinted lip balm. Get used to making yourself feel a bit better! Other small things you can do are nails and hands, jewellry that you like, nice shoes etc. Until you get used to spending time on yourself. I think it's a self-esteem thing - that you don't think you're worth pampering and spending time on grooming yourself, because of your bad experiences in school. But there is something about pampering yourself that DOES make you feel a whole lot better, no matter what the style. Good luck.
  24. Honey Pumpkin
    I'm sorry, this is soooooooooooo hard for you. I hope that you can move past the married guy and focus on the fabulous men out there who are single and want you all to themselves!! I have seen many of my female friends have affaires with married men, and you know what? Not one of them has had a happy ending. I don't know, I think it's just so hard to see it ever working out. Why waste your gorgeous self on someone who is taken, and will never be there for you on birthdays/christmases/sad times/happy times? But you know this, you are moving on - so good for you! I don't know if he loves his wife or not. I doubt it, given that he's cheated on her and made your life hard. But whatever, I hope that you can look forward and not back, and not let him into the months/years ahead. Good luck!
  25. Honey Pumpkin
    Were they girls he's dated? I've got loads of guys on my phone, but that's just because they're friends. Don't know how it would look to a jealous boyfriend, but honestly, it doesnt' mean anything.
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