WillieMcWillerson

you can try some desensitizers for the early problem... but you may just need to slow down. if you have your legs closer together you may be able to control the contractions of the pc muscle better. As for as the recent issue of not staying hard, it is most likely performance anxiety related. So in the end, take it slow with your legs closer together or her on top and above all relax! As for the exercises, keep in mind that it is just as important to practice the feeling of the relaxation of the muscle. Just pretend that you are trying to poop (not during sex of course). Thje most helpful for me is contracting for 10 seconds, actively relaxing for 10 seconds (do a set of ten)... you may need to build up to this. After that part do short fluttering of the muscle as fast as you can for about 5 minutes. If you do this once or twice a day you will be able to last MUCH longer and will have MUCH better orgasms. Hope this helps, Will

When I am having issues I practice loving speech as is demonstrated in this e-mail... " Hope I didnt blow your day... please understand that I know why you make the choices you make. I want to be understanding and I think I do a good job I simply feel a little down, I just cant help that I want you all the time. I do not want you to feel like I dont respect your other responsibilities or concerns, I am not the only thing that matters to you, nor would I want you to be in that place. Sometimes it just feels like it is hard for you to go with the flow and just let yourself fall into my arms... this is not a problem because I know first hand that it can be very difficult to let ourselves go. I have seen a remarkable change in our ability to let go over the course of our relationship and know that it is a process not a destination. I am still enthralled with you and you are a constant source of amusement, happiness, laughter and beauty; what you have to offer is enough and I dont want you to doubt that for a second! I would say that the place where I have seen the most change in myself through our relationship is the ability to listen to what you have to say without wanting to fix it or take things the wrong way. Although I have come a long way I know that there is still quite a distance between here and where I want to be. I want to make sure that you know that I am not asking you to change, instead I put my faith in the process of self discovery (regarding myself). I also know that you are changing in unimaginably beautiful ways and I do not want to interrupt that. I loved you soon after we met and as we change I love you more with each passing day... you are the most beautiful influence in my life and I am honored to have a front row seat at the Dory show. Sex Ya Later, Willie McWillerson P.S.~ I really do love chocolate... thanks bunches and bunches! " and I tend to get responses like this... "No...u did not blow my day....and i hope that i didn't blow ur day either.... I wanted today to be nice for you....i wanted to be sweet for u, kiss you and love you.....but instead....i felt like i just irritated and angered u....i know u weren't blaming me or holding me responsible for how u felt....but at the same time i couldn't help but feel as though the conversation was revolving around how your emotions were somehow stemming from what i was doing, or not doing...or from what i said or didn't say....Instead of exploring possible internal reasons for why you were having certain feelings, i felt like u were looking at the reasons behind why i wasn't able to have sex after i verbally said it was a possibility....I suppose it is hard for me to see how looking at that could help u figure out why you had a specific reaction after not being able to get what u wanted sexually..... Sometimes it just feels frusturating to hear u tell me that u aren't trying to blame me for your difficulties....when we're only talking about what I'm doing.... I understand that i might have some issues with relaxing if i know that i have other responsibilities....but i feel this awareness of other obligations has allowed me to keep myself in order under very highly stressful conditions. Right now...I do value this sense of control...and i do not see myself doing something in the near future that would cause me to neglect things that i hold to be important....so....for instance i am going to hold off on certain impulses if i feel as though i'm going to risk being late for a job that i need. And i know that u probably don't want this explanation and u probably don't need it.....but for right now i suppose i just wanted u to understand that i don't perceive being able to go with the flow right now as something helpful to me or as something i want to necessarily move toward..... Other than that i know that we have made quite a bit of progress....I feel like we're able to better understand each other than we were before and i think we're both getting better at expressing ourselves. I'm also rushing through the end of this because i have to leave....but i love u very much as well and i want u to happily celebrate the birth of ur fine self.... so i guess we will talk in a minute" definitely sex u later love Dory It just seems a little bit strange to me... isnt it a little weird? I want to make sure that I am understanding but I dont want to be made into some kind of stepford man. Yes dear, sure dear, Im always wrong. To me it is looking a bit like a pattern... I think that the way I deal with her may be queing her subconscious to exploit this... she has done this in the past with a 5 year relationship...

We are doing things for my birthday tomorrow night. The point is less that I wanted to have sex and more about the way she responded to my verbal process.

As far as the defensiveness goes I called to talk in general and she asked me how I felt (we talk for hours when she is at work b/c she is a telephone operator) so I told her that I was angry but that she had just been the trigger. I started by asking if she could just listen while I talked about how I felt for a minute. My minute had everything to do with taking responsibility for the way that I was feeling and literally a minute later she cut in and was trying to fix the issue. This is strange because I was talking about possible reasons based on early life and past relationships as opposed to the present situation. I told her over and over that I wanted to be able to talk it out as opposed to stuffing the emotion down like I usually do. I was not even indirectly blaming her or bringing her actions into the picture it was about what might be making me have this irrational response in the first place. It seemed that she was unable to listen and was reacting personally to me talking about past events. I am a very good listener and have done what I was asking for on countless occasions and I do not understand how this makes any sense.

the confusing part for me is that she is fully aroused and it is obvious that she is hoding back. She also tends to resort to the response "it isnt that I dont want to but..."

Today my g/f of 1+ years came over on her lunch break because I was working from home. She works a couple of minutes away and has an hour for lunch. We usually will go out somewhere for lunch but it is my birthday and I just wanted her to come over and eat at my place. She ended up not wanting to eat and instead we had some coffee and started making out. She told me that she didnt have time for sex because she had to be back to work in 45 minutes. I tried to be okay about it but this type of thing has happened too often before... I said nothing about it and we kept making out. This doesnt make me feel very wanted and gets me all irritated. I called her when she got back to work to talk about how I was feeling and all I got in return was defensive crap and blame placing. I just wanted to talk about it but instead it turned into her defending herself and her body. She said that she couldnt talk openly about it at work and asked me to call her when she got off. I would like some outside perspective...

she is just freaking out about not being over you.... she still wants you back but is wrapped up in what others would think.... you are doing the right thing by giving her space.... try not to be confused, know that whatever happens she will come round and you will not lose her.... she is just angry about the other lady

There are so many things that can contribute to people not staying in a relationship. Given this fact it becomes very important to look at the situation in terms of actions as opposed to words. One example would be someone saying that they dont want to send mixed messages but then giving sexual imput in a parking lot. If the person had said nothing about not wanting to send mixed messages and had acted in that way it means something totally different. Given what was said and the action assosciated with the statement it becomes obvious that the person is not sure what they want and is intentionally sending a mixed message. Are they just playing with your head? Maybe..... I think that it makes more sense to look at it psycologically. Her conscious mind and subconscious mind want different things. This explains the confusion and lets you see that she has a desire to be with you but also has reservations. Until those reservations are gone you have one of two choices...... go straight at the issue or act like you are confused too... are you really confused? In this situation you can let her be confused, respect that and act from a place of acceptance, allowing things to go where they will in the moment. Only do this if you can keep yourself from getting confused should you choose this path, if you cant back off and keep her in line with what she says and dont allow her to act any way but how she says she will. That was a little vague!!!!! the point is to look at her actions against what she says to figure out what her subconscious desire really is. Then act accordingly based on what you would like to get out of your continued communication.

Contact him only when you have found a sense of inner peace about the whole thing. In the past I have had a similar falling out and she shut me out for a while but in the end re-initiated contact when she felt better. In the meantime I worked on myself and was in a really good spot after a relatively short period. I called periodically and would leave a message .... what you DO NOT want to do is call more than once a week or so... If you use the rule of feeling good and wanting to share that with him as a guide post you will not do anything wrong....

the point here is that whether or not you might get back together should not be the focus right now. You need to focus on healing yourself and NC may be the best way to do that. If you cant be a good friend to her right now by supporting her in her choices you dont need to be there. If you truly love her you should be able to understand that she is trying to do what is best for herself right now. It may be hard for you to understand how this is the best thing for her but that doesnt change the fact that you need to make this as easy for yourself as possible. Either choose to be her friend by supporting her or let her go for now and get to a place where you are capable of being a good friend.... In order to have a good relationship you have to love yourself and not need to base your happiness on what someone else does or doesnt do...

we do see each other about twice a week.... the strange thing is that we are still very much in a relationship..... the only thing that is different now is that she cant seem to call it that but despite that things between us are the best they have ever been.... especially the sex....

Well my girlfriend of 9 months and I took a break about 1 1/2 months ago. She felt that I was pushing her buttons just to see how she would react..... I wasnt, I just wanted her to give me more than a days notice of when she could see me on the weekend.... A little info that is important is that she goes to school full time, works full time and has almost no time for anything else. Every other weekend she has to work on saturdays for 10 hours. She has two main things that she likes to do on the weekend.... go out with her two best friends (known them since elementary school) and see me. Anyways, on the break I started messing around with this russian girl and I told her when she tried to get back together with me 3 days into the break. She seemed really pissed but if you are on a break (that she initiated) was I just supposed to sit around and wait for her to take me back! She was crushed and I was also because I truly love her. I know that it is not alright to react to eachother in the ways that we did. Well, a week later she came over to get her stuff and we ended getting back together.... it was great but it only lasted two weeks before she broke up with me again..... I was really mad yelling and everything. The Reason: Her legs went completely numb from a back problem that she has and when she cancelled plans I asked if I could come and see her for a bit and bring her anything that she may have needed. When she said that she wanted to be alone and that would be the best thing I could do to support her I asked her why she wasnt able to let me into her life. This didnt go over well and that night she called to let me know that she couldnt be with me right now. She aknowledged that she has some stuff to work out and that she needs to focus on herself for a bit. She said that we should be friends for a minute and that she wouldnt know how she will feel in the future. this was a month ago.... during which I was as supportive and as good of a friend as I know how to be. If I didnt call she would call me and we have not gone a day without at least an hour of conversation.... some days as much as 4 hours over multiple conversations. I have used her comment about needing to figure out some things in herself as a cue to verbalize my own process of self discovery. My goals, what holds me back, how I feel, my fears and what I am doing to cut those chains that bind my ability to be happy. I am a very self actualized person but I tend not to express these things to others. It seems to me that I may have been equally guilty of not letting her into my life. The more I have been doing this the more she does the same. She says that she doesnt feel like we have lost anything and that really all of the changes make her feel better about what we have and how close she feels to me. She still openly says that she loves me but still thinks that there are some things she needs to work out. We still go out and do things with each other and have a really good time. We are very affectionate and hold hands in public. I asked her a couple of days ago if she would be ok with saying that we are dating.... she said sure but asked me why I wanted to label what we have.... That is a strange response but I know that she has a lot of pressure in her life and doesnt want any more obligation. She feels very overwhelmed and is struggling to make her life work... I feel that things are heading back into relationship zone but do have some doubts especially when we are not physically together. What do you guys think? If there is anything else you need to know please ask....