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About Me

  1. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  2. I (24F) am in a relationship with a 24M of which I am unsure where I stand at the moment. I'm sorry in advance if the following is a little all over the place, just in desperate need of advice/outside perspective. We kept breaking up briefly (few days) past couple months due to me being worried about other girls and him being worried about another guy. Last week I was unsure where I stood with him, I had seen him earlier that week, a couple days later he said he felt single and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said this multiple times in the past few weeks, only to come back to me saying he wants to be with me and marry me but that we need to sort through the insecurities in the relationship. He went out of town this past weekend, during which time I found a hotel reservation under his name from the day after he told me he felt single (my laptop was logged into his email). I had spoken to him that day over the phone, because I knew he did not want things to be over (2 days later he said he wanted to marry me). He told me he was on the way to meet a photographer. This was obviously a lie, I confronted him about it, he completely denied it for 2 days and then told me he would explain everything. Since he was out of town and had plans, he dragged out having this conversation until last night. Between me finding the reservation and finally being able to have a conversation with him about it, he went out for drinks with another girl ( a friend I know). This made me a little uneasy, because I was already on edge with everything going on and felt like I'm just not a priority to him at all, as long as he has other girls around him. I know if the tables were turned, I would priorities having this conversation with him first, so not to trigger his anxiety and keep him assuming and overthinking. Last night once I finally got a hold of him, he told me he went on a double date that evening he lied, and that it wasn't really a date but that him, his cousin and 2 girls went to get food and then he booked a hotel for all four of them to have drinks in the room. I feel betrayed, I had tried blocking him off of everything a couple days after he went to that hotel, before I knew anything, only for him to spam call me from another number telling me that it's me he wants and all the other girls that I am worried about mean nothing to him. When I spoke to him last night about this, he left the conversation unfinished and said that he would speak to me about it today, because he was drunk from having drinks with that other girl. Today, I had been trying to reach him for hours, as my anxiety keeps sky rocketing, not knowing what's going to happen between me and him. After trying for hours he finally picks up and tells me he's out having lunch with this girl he met through social media. I broke down. I've known about this girl, and he tells me they are just friends, but I still feel hurt. I feel like he keeps going on "dates" with girls he claims to just be friends. He did the same thing about 2 weeks ago now with another girl whom he met over social media, but they went out for drinks together, all in the name of "net-working". Maybe I have a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I have not felt comfortable going out for drinks or food with other guys I barely know, and I know for a fact he would be mad if I did the same, but he knows I wouldn't, because I feel uncomfortable doing that myself. I know my rational self tells me to just not be in this relationship but I have seriously struggled getting out of it, and my mental health is at a all time at the moment. I guess I am just wanting opinions about not only the whole situation but right now the thing that is bugging me the most is if I am overreacting by the way I feel when he goes out for drinks or food with girls he met through social media. Side note- because of everything going on between me and him, we haven't even gone out for drinks or food ourselves since COVID restrictions have been lifted, and I guess this makes me even more jealous that these girls are getting to spend time with him and I haven't been.
  3. Hello, I'm a student and I came here for advice about a sensible situation, thank you in advance for the answers, sorry for the lenght, this is quite complex but I just want to have an external opinion on the feelings I go through, the whole story is just to set the context. Trigger warning : abortion/ abandonment. 8 months ago (October) I met a man on a dating app, at first he seems to be open to discover each other around a coffee, and I was more into having fun. Our conversations were the simple/quite boring kind, but I give it a try as he seemed cute and I felt good and confident in my life. So we spent a first night together not planned but on an impulsive need to see each other late. Then wow I discovered a funny, smart and cuddly man. I’ve been hurt in the past due to relationships where I forgot myself in unrequited love so I decided to act “cool” and “casual” for once, thinking I could keep an hand on this He asked me two days after to see each other again but again I try to make myself mysterious, we saw each other a few days after, on a night too. Then I started to get attached and I felt he started to be distant. As I tried to get some news a few days after the last encounter, he never answered so things didn’t go on and I erased him from Instagram, only media we had to chat. I know this was immature but at that time I didn’t know him enough to trust him as we met twice in a month, at night, I thought it was just another ghosting from a dating app hook-up. Life went on, I rarely thought of him but some nights after a glass of wine when I felt lonely and I regretted my impulsive act. In January I saw him on another dating app, I matched, he had matched me so we talked again, and I asked him to see each other again, he seemed unsure which I understood. However due to serious personal issues I had to erase my account on this site and as I had erased him from Instagram we had no way to talk, but I was too mentally/emotionally busy to care. He finally found my Instagram account a few days later, dm me and insisted on us seeing each other again, seemed really implicated. I felt surprised in a happy way, it was the sunshine in a dark week and we saw each other on the following weekend. It was a great moment, he spent the whole weekend with me and we found back this complicity we had a few months before, talked his about silence and my reaction, it was a qui pro quo as he was living hard stuff he said. Then a week passed and no news, I started to feel angry… then he texted me on the weekend on a funny thing, I took time to answer but we chatted a bit and then no news. I tried to speak to him but he wasn’t really implicated in talking to me. I started to feel frustrated that’s when I realized I might want more than casual meetings and a few texts. I told him these feelings on a Friday night by text, he told me he didn’t want more than fun and it was never the case, telling me he thought it was obvious, I got hurt but accepted it. I told him that I could go above this and still fit into the casual stuff. after two times asking him for a night where he “couldn’t” then a month of no messages had passed. I tried to forget him, blaming myself for acting this needy and trying to identify my feelings. Then he texted me again to see each other, which made me happy but I was busy and it took a few days til I could even if I was thinking of him the whole time. It was great seeing him again, just to tell, he’s until now the best sexual partner I had and the fact that he’s cuddly and funny was so comfortable. He left, two texts about food on the same week-end and silence again. I tried to see him before quarantine hit the country, he couldn’t so I took time for me. Then the problem arrived, as I was thinking about not seeing him again because of this disastrous feeling of loneliness each time he left my house, I discovered I was pregnant. we made sure to be checked for STD, but due to hormonal reason I had to stop my pill while waiting to get an IUD, and this last time we saw each other, I checked my menstrual cycle. I thought of the morning-after pill but I trusted my cycle and dumbly thought that for the one time in my life w/o protection, I was safe. As you guessed, I found out I was pregnant, after a week of nausea and breast aching. I told him by text, Instagram was still the only way to chat, directly told him about my intention not to keep the child and he told me he was sorry, he wished me the best and that’s all. I got mad and after days of no news and thinking, hurting, I told him I wanted to talk face to face. He was okay and came and we had a long chat about my opinion, my feelings about this pregnancy, my anger, and he told me about his feelings toward this, for the first time I finally heard of what he could felt. It was moving, really sad, but he seemed concerned, encouraging and supportive, told me he’d be there. I felt better but when he left I felt even more alone, nothing was left to say, he even told me he’d be more careful with his next relationship which oddly hurt me. His choice was not to have a baby now, and with me, mine was that I couldn’t financially raise a baby, but I didn’t tell him that I was scared to abort due to the fact that it was the last thing that bonded me to him and that I was so mad that things ended up without my control, without my dignity, without my choice. Seeing him was so hurtful, I wanted to hug him so badly, we couldn’t help but smile to each other through the pain cause we still had this bond, I’m aware it was mostly pity in his case tho. However I felt in his eyes that he cared for me, in a way I couldn’t see when it was all that I was waiting. So I felt rubbish. Now you know, 8 months after what the situation is(April) and I feel so selfish to feel this way but I don’t know what I suffer most from the idea of losing him forever, as a I don’t really know him, than this idea of having to go through this traumatic event which abortion could be. I must mention that I have been abandoned as a child, because I think that it left me patterns, but I want to understand how could I be in such an emotional situation? I don’t think it’s love but it’s hurting me so much just to imagine him with another girl, while I know I while never open myself again, not after this experience. My only thought is that I wish I had took this morning-after pill just to have a chance to see him again, does that make me cruel and insane? What do you see in this experience? Sorry for the long long post...Feel free to tell me, try to not judge me and thanks for reading me, if you want further information feel free to ask. I I really need your help. (maybe this is in the wrong tag?)
  4. I want to chronicle this journey in a way that is not enmeshed with all my other comments of my life. I will go over my treatment, and research and my steps toward freedom. To All those who suffer. May you get well.
  5. Hi everyone, I've not posted here before, so I hope I do this right. I've got no idea where to turn to for advice - it feels guilty turning to friends and family - so I've turned to you guys. Sorry if this turns out long. Me and my boyfriend both have issues. I have depression (which is currently severe) and anxiety. He has nothing diagnosed, but certainly has issues, and tends to worry a lot. He can also get sad out of the blue. Our relationship has gone okay for the first year. We're good at communicating, we deal with problems. But this - this isn't the same. The more we've been together, the more attached he's grown, understandably. But to the point where his mood is dependent on mine. This wouldn't matter, except that I'm incredibly depressed, and so it makes him incredibly depressed. I force myself to be "okay", and he brightens up again. I've brought this up with him, and he agrees. He doesn't have much in his life - he has a few friends, but they're distant as he put little effort into those friendships once we started going out. He's tried contacting a few to give himself something other than me in his life, but even when spending time with them, he's messaging me, asking if I'm okay, etc. He can't be away from me. I wouldn't mind, but it means when he is, he's sad, and his attachment to me means he's so sensitive to how I'm feeling, meaning his feelings, thoughts, needs are all focused on me. The relationship is incredibly unbalanced as it stands, as he focuses so much on me despite it making him sad, and I don't like it at all. I suggested we needed a week to focus on ourselves and boost our mental health and see how we are, but even then he can't stop himself from messaging. It upsets me, not because he's clingy - I don't mind clingy at all - but because his life revolves around me. And at the current moment, I'm an unstable mess. Which makes him an unstable mess. Losing him would kill me - he is the kindest and most understanding person I know. But the only thing worse than losing him is making him depressed. I've been advised that he's staying in this relationship - he's not left, and if it was too much for him, he would have. But I doubt he would have at all - he is the kind of person who would stay even if it killed him, and I think at this point he is staying despite the damage it's doing to his own mental health. He does not have enough self-worth to be able to step back and say "this is too much for me". Because all of the pain he experiences is for me, and so it makes it okay. But it doesn't in my eyes. I'd appreciate any advice on the best way to move forward. If there's a way to fix these issues, I'd love to hear them - I don't want to lose him. But I worry it's too much for him.
  6. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  7. My ex boyfriend (we split in February) is still trying to stay in contact with me - we had a very toxic relationship as he was often lying and hiding things from me. I found it difficult to let go as he was saying comments to me like “if you walk away, there is no point me being here anymore” which put an awful amount of strain on my mental health. However 3 weeks ago I decided to send a message letting him know that I couldn’t support him anymore as I need to look after my own mental health now. He didn’t understand this. He thinks I’m being selfish. However now he’s getting really suffocating, messaging me 50+ times a day, monitoring how often I’m online on whatsapp and asking me if I’m speaking to someone every time I am. I’ve blocked him on Instagram however he has told me he’s set up a new account (which I don’t know the name of) to check who I follow (I’m on private so he counts the numbers), he does this many times a day, and if he sees any numbers go up he constantly asks if I’m following any new guys or what picture I have uploaded. I’ve also seen him visit my town (20+ miles away from his home). He’s asked me to see him when he’s here but I refuse as it won’t help the situation. He told me he’s going to try over 100 times until I give in. I feel like I can’t live my life, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a social media detox would help but it’s a shame I have to stop these things just because of him. Any advice please 😞
  8. Hello all, I'm trying to balance my mental health a little as I think my break up definitely wobbled it a little. I found out my ex was on a dating website, which now I have accepted as she is totally free to do as she wishes. I decided it may be good for me to do so to. I went on the same one as her, not to spy before anyone says! It just seemed it would be the best one for me in terms of opportunities and the fact it's free! It would appear she has hidden her profile as she didn't appear on the search for my town-a blessing in disguise as we won't stumble across each other - but when I clicked the "who viewed me" tab, it showed she had looked at my profile-this would have been few weeks back though as I did log on when I recieved an email telling me I had a message- It showed her as online but I have heard that sometimes these sites aren't fully accurate with the online status. I am assuming she has hidden her profile as at this stage, with lockdown, she may have seen it as a waste of time and will unhide it when things return to normal, this kind of gives me a little relief as deep down I would love to sort things with her. Alternatively she may be hidden and is now chatting to the people that messaged her before she made her profile hidden. Either way, I don't know how best to focus my mind as I think either thought process will cause me unwanted stress or anxiety
  9. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  10. I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 9 months now. I am 23 and he is 25. Going into the relationship I was a virgin and he was not. He was single for a long time, basically 20-25, and in that time he went through hell. Battling drug addiction, getting kicked out of school, the loss of several loved ones, severe mental health issues. He comes from a broken home and two fathers who both abandoned him. I have diagnosed OCD and am being eaten alive by retroactive jealousy in what has amounted to my absolute worst fears in a relationship. I knew all of this going into it and was okay with it but I did not know the full extent of his sexual history. He lied to me about it and about a week ago I fully found out. Before I go into detail I feel that I should say that he’s been an incredibly loving and kind boyfriend. He’s sweet and does so much for me. He has told me that Im the reason he’s putting his life back together and since we met he’s gotten a job he loves in the career path of his choice, he got a car, he’s going back to school and he’s made progress with his mental health. I feel honored to have been there for him and helped him so much in such a short amount of time and that he would’ve done all of that for me. He has been totally loyal and good to me. What’s eating me up inside though is that in our relationship he definitely seems to prefer topping, while he was almost exclusively a bottom before me. I found out after questioning, which only after going online I realize I shouldn’t have done, that he likes rough and degrading sex and had many casual hookups. He initially told me he’d been with around 10 people. I now know it to be more like 30. This was happening right before we met and had not occurred throughout his adulthood. There were extended periods where he was basically celibate but it seems like when he got out of rehab he used this as another way to fill a void. I’m hurt, ashamed and disgusted by what I know. I don’t understand it at all and can’t seem to get a handle on my thoughts. I know he would send nudes and even had a sex video that he would send to hookups. This has turned into my absolute worst nightmare scenario. He told me the reason he didn’t tell me is because he was ashamed and didn’t want to believe that he really liked those things, or for me to see him in that way. So now I’m also hurt that he wouldn’t tell me and that he didn’t want that with me. I know he did it partly because he was lonely in a new city, he felt isolated and wanted attention and to be wanted. I know that he was in a very difficult time in his life. I can’t stop imagining him being degraded by other people, hookups, and the way that it was rough sex. It’s unimaginable to me that he liked to be degraded by strangers during sex. It feels unbelievable that this has happened and I can’t look at him the same way. I wish so terribly he hadn’t lied and I’d been able to make a choice early on if I wanted to be with him or not. I feel so repulsed and sickened knowing that that happened. My mind is constantly racing, I constantly ache, and I feel totally heartbroken. My OCD has made this a real world nightmare and it’s like I can see and hear all of this going on. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t know how to meld his actions with my values however and I also don’t know how to get over everything I now know. I’m literally sickened. I can’t eat and can barely sleep. It’s plaguing me every minute of the day. I’ve lost over 10 pounds in a week because of this and I need help. I need advice on what to do and what to think. How to correct my thoughts and how to come to terms and be able to deal with this. Or if it’s too much for anyone to deal with and I should save us both agony and end things. I’m sure it’s even worse because I have no sexual history of my own but I think it would be difficult for anyone to bear. Please help, any advice and know how is much appreciated.
  11. i really have everything in life. i have really nice parents, two brothers who love me, the best and funniest friends in the world, i draw quite well for someone my age (15), and (used to) have good grades, but due to anxiety issues my grades dropped a little, from A to B- or C. I don't know why my mental health is so debilitated, i don't have any major trauma or anything like that. I started being anxious/depressed one year an a half ago, maybe because of stress from school, but there aren't many people who have the same problems as me at my class. I take lots of medicine, but those don't seem to work as well as i wanted to, it just prevents me from suiciding instantly, wich i've tried two times. i really wanted to take this out of my chest, thanks if you read it till here.
  12. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 29 . He has PTSD from his childhood from his mother . Lately he has been lashing out and trying to dump me cause his mother is making our relationship difficult . After the last out of talking for two hours to come back to common ground all of a sudden everything is fine and he doesn’t want to break up . Lately he has been going it a lot . His family 7 months before we moved out trashed talked me and his dad texted me a nasty text not even being in our place for a couple of days . He’s not happy and he keeps going psycho and doesn’t know what he wants anymore because of them . He hasn’t talked to them much but when he does his mom try’s to manipulate him to come home . They keep saying we know you are stuck in a rock and hard place meaning being moved out with me . This all stemmed from me blocking his mom cause she kept trying to control our relationship and how he saw us . So she could try to get him to stay home . I don’t know the past 7 months have been very up and down and I’m getting super tired of it . It’s getting hard to bounce back from it all . What do I do ? I’m getting tired of it . I really thought he was the one . I’d do anything for him .
  13. So basically, my dad's cancer has returned. He is going through chemo and is very unwell atm, even though he is 6 weeks into 6 months of chemo. They aren't young, my mum and dad. Dad is 73, mum 74 and mother is very dependent on my dad, as she has been severely mentally unwell since her 30's. She has had a lot of bad stuff happen in life. MY dad cooks, does garden and DIY. She can't even go to the shop by herself and only leaves the house once a week. I have declined a job opportunity and came home from abroad, to support my dad. However, my mum and her mental illness and stubbornness makes life hard for me and my siblings to be there for dad. She is snappy, grumpy, mean and will not really let my dad rest properly. She snaps at him and gets upset/angry with him. He needs to rest, but she has him cooking, cleaning and maing her cups of tea on demand. If i say I will make the tea, she gets moody. Its so bizzare. I thought my fathers diagnosis would snap her out of it, but it hasnt. One of the dogs is very barky and we have been trying to train the dog not to bark, but my mum will not follow suit. My poor dad cannot sleep properly and jumps when the dog barks and it has him on edge. We bought a training collar that sprays a mist when the dog barks, but causes no harm. If the dog wears it, she doesnt bark. Simples, however my mum wont put it on the dog, even when my dad is trying to rest. She is also like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with me, makes life very unpleasant for my siblings and I. She gets moody and grumpy and argues over nothing or trivial things. I don't know what to do, a lot of the time its emotionally abusive really, I moved abroad and travelled a lot but came home recently after planning to live abroad, to support my dad through this. However, I am sick of the toxicness from my mum. I am sick as are my siblings, of how things are for my dad. I am a yogi, practice most days for an hour and a halh...and meditate a lot and have a lot of empathy for my mother, however, you would think if she had bad upbringing etc... that she would be different. However, mental illness too ingrained. How to deal? I just don't get how she can still be like this with us/my dad. However, I think its too mentally engrained and she will not change. I know its right to be at home, I wish she could just be chill and make life pleasant. (BTW anything you suggest, for her to try, trust me as a family we have tried a million times, this is more a how to deal)
  14. Hello all. Sorry this will all sound a bit gibberish but I'm not coping very well with everything. I've been speaking to my ex since December 2017 and we got together in Febuary 2018 which may have been a bit quick but it seemed right. A month later he had blocked me on all social media and we had a rough patch. He got back in touch a couple of weeks later and we started talking again but we agreed to just have hook ups with other people. We eventually got jealous and hit another rough patch. We started fixing it in April 2018 and officially got back together in the June. We had no blips then for 10 months, we didn't argue or fall out or have any reason really to worry about our relationship. He had bought me a holiday for in September and I didn't have any reason to doubt it would happen even with the Bipolar. Late March he admitted to me he would have to go back into recovery to help his mental health. He was living in Sheffield for Uni but he got home sick and also had come off his meds and was waiting for new ones which he went on going back into recovery. He asked at the time what it meant for us and he was worried If I'd get bored or horny and want to meet other people and I said no. I didn't see him until the following Sunday (mothers day) due to him settling in and when we met up everything felt normal. We laughed and cuddled and he messaged me going home saying how great it was to see me and we planned to meet the following weekend. However, the next day everything still seemed fine. He told me he had paid off our holiday and was so excited. We continued talking like normal but on the Friday morning he split with me saying he needed to focus on recovery and he wouldn't be ready for a relationship for a long while (last year he had told me we would never sort things out and did so you never know how true this is). He was instantly back on Grindr and as far as I'm aware it's just for hook ups but even then it seems so quick. We haven't really spoken since the split. He messages every few days but only a couple of times and leaves me on unread. He is following what I'm up to though whenever I put up a Snapchat story. I don't know if this is meaningless though or if there is a bigger picture. I'm just lost without him. I miss his presence. It's the not knowing if he's just lost his head and is having an episode and will want to try and fix things or if he's completely finished with this relationship and I'm not sure how to move on. I have him on such a pedastool. I'm sorry this is really long for strangers to read. I expect one response at most. But thanks for reading anybody who does.
  15. This has me worried considering I have an academic background in literature. I don't know if this has to do with physical or mental health or perhaps age (I'm 36). This sort of reading wasn't difficult in college - I was told what to read, why, what to look for and how I can compatibalize my reading into my writing assignments. Now, I find it harder to keep my head wrapped around read subject matter for long ... and I'm not sure why. I've been reading a lot lately and love books. In fact, I have collected a rather sizable collection of books across a number of topics, but mostly have to do with storytelling, non-fiction writing, social media, social media statistics, business operation books and marketing. This is due, in part, to a career change I'm trying to make and a podcast project having to do with the arts. So, as you might imagine, I have a lot of reading to get through and a learning to get done. But, herein lies the problem. While I can read fairly fast, the information isn't being retained. My memory of what I'm reading is scarce and slips my mind some hours after reading it. It may just be I have forgotten how to read (somehow) or unconsciously I only want key ideas kept in my head. Either way, I'm not sure what it is that's keeping me from being a stronger reader. Anyone got some advice for increasing my reading ability or should I embrace better reading techniques to keep the information in my head? Thanks in advance!
  16. I was seeing a guy for almost a month. Things were going very nicely. When we first met, we were very open with each other about how we both struggle with mental illness. I suffer with a slight mood disorder, and he suffers with depression. This honesty brought us closer together. As the month went on, he started experiencing hardships. He has to take the semester off of college due to money reasons. His car hydroplaned and hit a wall. He does not have the money right now to fix the damage. He doesn’t have a good family life at home. As these things happened, he seemed very distant and cold towards me. I thought maybe he lost interest, being that he only knew me for a short period of time. I knew something was off, but i thought maybe he is just unstable from what is going on in his life right now. He ended up texting me last week saying that he is not ok, and that he doesnt want to end things with us but he ‘has’ to end things. He said he hated himself for his decision. I respected this and told him that I am here for him. I havnt heard from him since then. I am very open minded, being that I struggle with my own mental health at times. I want him to be happy and I want him to get everything together, but i’m just wondering if he will reach out to me when he sorts things out. He is prone to depression and im worried about him. I dont want to be selfish and disrespect the space that he asked for. Do you think there is a chance of him coming back?
  17. I'm feeling quite angry and overwhelmed at the moment and really just need to vent. Hoping to maybe get some new perspectives on this because I'm feeling a bit emotional at the moment and not sure if I'm thinking clearly. So, for anyone that doesn't know me here, I'm a 34-year-old woman, I have a Certificate 4 in Mental Health, Diploma of Disability and a Bachelor of Psychology. I've done a fair bit of volunteering in the aged care, mental health and disability field. I have also been working in paid employment for five years mostly for not-for-profit welfare organisations with people with various disabilities and mental health issues. One thing that I really need to vent about is this volunteer work that I've been doing for 2+ years but I'm seriously thinking to quit it now. Back in 2015-2016 I think it was, I wanted to see if I'd like working in disability advocacy and took up a volunteer role to get a feel of it and experience. The volunteer role I've been doing is with a non profit advocacy agency where I keep in touch with a severely intellectually disabled older lady who can't speak. She lives in a residential facility and my job is basically to visit her every so often, call the staff on the phone, and to keep an eye on her general life, well being, treatment by staff, etc. And to speak on her behalf if any issues arise, such as mistreatment or abuse. Which has never happened so far so to be fair I haven't actually done anything like that. This volunteer role has no time limit and can be indefinite (i.e. forever) but also I'm pretty sure did not specify that "x amount" of months or years of commitment was expected. From the beginning of the volunteering, I never liked the volunteer co-ordinator who is managing me because I just had a bad vibe from her and found her fake and insincere. On top of that, the key support worker of the disabled lady in her residence and some other staff there always seemed to just want to use me to take the lady out for lunch, coffee and shopping because the lady is lonely and bored sitting at home and she absolutely loves going out. That is not my actual role though to be a social and activity buddy and my co-ordinator even acknowledged to me that the staff should not be doing that, but she never seemed to have said anything to them because they just keep doing it. I should mention though that this key worker is overall a nice man and the disabled lady very sweet and no bad behaviours at all, very happy person who always smiles and is easy to be around. After about 1.5 years of volunteering I will admit that I lost interest in it for the reasons I just mentioned. I guess I had a feeling the co-ordindator would be pushy so I didn't tell her anything and I sort of just avoided the disabled lady and didn't really see her for close to a year. I also avoided some of the co-oridnator's calls and messages. Finally I responded to her and I tried to tell her over a coffee meeting that I didn't want to do it anymore because I was busy with work and supporting my fiance who has very bad depression and anxiety also. The co-ordinator basically didn't want to hear it and didn't really act sympathetic but was quite manipulative. She was like: "I literally have nobody else to take your place, we have a very long wait list, she will have nobody. She needs you so much right now, she relies on you, etc, etc." I felt really pressured and manipulated into it so continued to do it. But I'm getting really fed up with it because the male key worker told me to visit the lady once a month and on a Saturday or Sunday and for all three of us to go out for four hours because that's the duration of his whole shift. He said not to come any other time because we can't go out. One time he said he'd pick me up in the work car but he was pretty late and I was just sitting around waiting for him. So all this was really eating into my free weekend time. Also the co-ordinator keeps harrassing me about re doing my police check and I gave her all the documents already except for one. I said I would get it verified and scanned when I can because I'm really busy working two jobs. However instead of waiting for me to get it to her, she proceeded to keep texting me about it three times. Anyway, now I texted her and said I want to talk and I'm not happy about what's going on. Post is getting long so will try to summarise about my jobs. So I've been in a job for just over two years in that same role with people with disabilities and mental health. I get paid well there and I like the clients but my shifts got significantly cut down and I also find my boss really unprofessional and inappropriate. By inappropriate I don't actually mean sexual but just not acting in ways appropriate to what a manager should act like. He basically never replies to any calls or messages and is totally AWOL. I don't work as part of a team but just remotely out in the community with the clients and I never get any staff training, meetings, no Christmas party. My boss has displayed some unprofessional behaviour too like when he went on a cruise in Fiji and he looked me up and contacted me on Facebook and asked me to do his work that he didn't do before he left because he had no phone reception on the ship. Anyway so I was a bit fed up and five months ago I started looking for a new job in the mental health and disability field. I applied only for jobs I truly wanted so not a huge amount, but decent number of jobs. A lot of them I didn't even get an interview and also got a few interviews but didn't get the job. Some of them also expected me to use my own car but I don't have a car. After 3-4 months of searching I ended up getting a job with a large country wide non-profit organisation. The job is only a casual relief/fill in worker in a residential house with people with reasonably severe mental health issues and intellectual disabilities. One person does have difficult behaviours. All the staff and manager there are nice and I'm fine with the clients too. But the money is not good and they also keep calling me too much to work and rostering me on some late nigh shifts and weekends. I'm still doing my other job too because I didn't know when they're gonna call me at the relief worker job so I needed to have some ongoing shifts as well. Anyway so now I'm feeling really tired and stressed and really disillusioned because I'm not enjoying the relief job. I'm just feeling so frustrated because I don't understand why with all my tertiary qualifications and experience I just can't find anything better than all this. Or am I maybe expecting too much because you can't find something perfect? Can anyone relate?
  18. I've been employed through my current employer for nearly three and a half years. I was dealing with some mental health ( depression and very bad anxiety) issues when I first started, but they have progressed at some points during this time and have remained a constant issue for me. I feel like my managers do not take me seriously. A previous manager asked me if I was sure I had these things because I seemed "normal" and she "never would have guessed. She's not there anymore but I still have 3 managers. I know what my triggers are and I do my best to avoid them. But it seems they are either careless or try to push my limits. It is a retail job where I am trained in every department of the store. One of my triggers is being put to work in the fitting room and another is being on cash alone. I love being on cash if there is another associate up there but if I'm alone I get so sick to my stomach and will have a panic attack. And being put into the fitting room is similar. I feel like I'm trapped and the walls are closing in and I get physically sick and can't breathe. Also, i walk 40 minutes to work and 40 minutes home everyday. This is because I don't drive and my anxiety does not allow me to take a bus or a taxi. Because of this, we have been in agreement that I won't be scheduled at night because it is dark and I don't feel comfortable or safe being a young female walking alone at night down a busy street. And yet, they randomly schedule me for night shifts or tell me to cover the fitting room. They do recognize that I have these issues but it's like - if they are strapped and need someone my issues don't matter and I should just "get over them" because "everyone has to do stuff they don't want to do". They don't understand that it isn't that I don't want to, but more that I physically can't without being sick. Last week I was scheduled for a night shift and brought it up to my manager and she apologized said she didn't realize and she tweaked it so that I wasn't there once it got dark. Then tonight I was scheduled for another one. And I would have tried to switch with someone but a coworker was finishing a bit later than me and said she would drive me home. I have no problem working nights if I have a ride. So anyways, I only took this shift because I had a guaranteed ride. 5oclock comes around ( Its already dark here ) and my manager comes to me and said they were short staffed and the girl who was gonna drive me home is now staying until the store closed and basically sorry about your luck find another way home. Long story short we got into it, she couldn't understand why I couldn't just hop a bus or take a cab, got angry with me and very rude and snippy saying fine let her leave we'll be short handed all night blah blah etc. Making it my fault. I am going to be changing my availability so that the night thing doesn't happen anymore but what can I do about not being put in places I'm triggered. My doctor will nit write a note about it nor do I expect him to. My employer won't put into writing that they won't ask me to work in those departments. I feel defeated.
  19. Ok so im not sure of the title or whether im in the right catagory as there are an accumilation of problems here. Basically i feel like my head is about to explode with all of this thinking that is going on in my head. First problem is that im moving house, but the only place i can afford is about 45 miles away from my friends and my job I no moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, but its not really the picking my stuff up and moving thats causing me anxiety, its being away from all of my friends, my support network, and familair sorroundings thats bothering me. I dont want to move that far away from everyone but the houses there are cheaper. My mental health isnt very good at the moment and although ive been getting professional help its not helping. I dont think this is helping me think straight or make good desions I noticed a few weeks ago my boyfriend started to get ill as well and then he lost his job so he cant move in with me now. So im going to have to find another job as mine was only part time. Thats another change. Hes told me to trust him and that he will get another job but i dont think its about trust, its about whether he will get offered more work, but hes making it about his pride. Im not sure i want to be with him anymore anyway as we are not getting on and hes adding to my stress. If he does get another job im worried that if we move in togther its going to be drama still because neither of us feel very well at the moment and we may just not get on. To be honest im not sure how i feel about him anymore ive seen a horrid side to him just lately. He still loves me but im just not sure. The house is all in my name and money but there is no garantee i will be able to get another job. I like my job too and dont want to quit. Plus all of this change and a change of job too isnt going to help my mental health, which feels in tatters right now I feel like my head is thumping from over thinking and i dont feel well at all. Im not sure what i should do.
  20. I have been with the same man for 3 years. He was so sweet and loving and giving when I met him.most of the time he still is. He is a veteran with ptsd and a traumatic brain injury so sometimes his emotions can be a little extra than usual. We live with his parents and I don't really get along with his mom. They say it's because I don't communicate. Anyway, last night we were all sitting together and he made some stupid joke about me having a dark side to my personality. His mom agreed and they both had a nice laugh about it. This morning I asked him not to make jokes about me if he could help it because it makes me feel bad. He freaked out and told me I was trying to change him. That maybe I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him.he told me he wants me to go to therapy to learn how to be different, wanting me to have made an appointment by the time he gets home today. Even though I felt like what I asked wasn't a big deal I ended up crying and begging him to forgive me. I just wanted it to stop because once he gets going he can say really hurtful things over and over again. Then just a little while ago his dad asked me if we could not fight at 7 in the morning because we woke him up. I was humiliated. I vented to my boyfriend about it saying I hope wherever we move next we don't share a wall with them because it's embarrassing that they hear everything. Then he called his mom and I thought he was going to say something to them,something he does regularly when we argue or I tell him that I got my feelings hurt. So I asked him to please not say anything to them because I didn't want it to be a big deal. He goes off again,only worse. He called me and said he doesn't think we can get past this. That I continue to make the same mistakes. That I am forcing him to choose between school and his family and me. He said he was going to quit his job and school because of me. I said I didn't think just talking to him would be such a big deal,couples do that for each other I thought. He says I don't understand how ptsd works. I'm afraid to go home because I don't want him to yell at me and I know his parents know he is mad at me. And his mom is the kind that can never see any fault of his,even if he is wrong. The guy could spit on me and she would make an excuse and tell me why it's my fault. I feel So alone and so trapped in a house that just hates me. I feel crazy. I go into our conversations strong in my thoughts and by the end I am crying and saying sorry for whatever he thinks I meant or did. Am I crazy? I feel like a strong couple should be able to talk with each other and not lose their like he does Every time. He loves to tell me all the things I need to change about myself but when I try to have a small discussion about something bothering me it always turns out like this. I don't know what to do.
  21. I just wanted to share this story quick and honestly I forgot about it until reading some other posts on here. I first signed up on this site some, heck 7 or 8 years ago now when my ex-girlfriend dumped me. She turned out to be a closet lesbian and it just absolutely destroyed my life for years. It really caused me a lot of problems with dating ever again. Especially because I felt like this girl was the one and I felt like a sucker for falling for her and not seeing the signs. I am still dear friends with one of her family members. In early July he invited me over for a gathering and my ex was there. I had not seen her in years since the breakup. I did everything I could to avoid ever seeing or talking to this person again. I was shocked and at first almost didn't even recognize her. I always wondered what would I do or say if I seen her again. My friend and his family were kind enough to invite me to their place that day, and I didn't want to make the day miserable or anything try to avoid her in this very small house of theirs. I ended up talking to her face-to-face very briefly. It was a positive encounter. I just talked to her very briefly, asked how she was doing, told her about my mom passing away (because she got to know her when we dated). Overall it was a positive experience and me not acting like a jerk came off as a sign of forgiveness from me. If anyone had a right to be pissed off or make a scene it was me, but I didn't. It turns out that this poor woman, besides being gay, had deep psychological issues over the years I was told (including schizophrenia and bipolar disorder I believe). That may be the reason for why it felt like I was talking to a different person. And, I just couldn't be mad anymore. After learning that. After all the time that has past, after losing my mother. I just couldn't care to stay angry or upset anymore at this person. I just wanted to share with you people on the breakup forum here; eventually that time comes when you forgive these things. I haven't forgotten, but I do forgive. I still feel pretty doomed with ever finding love again. I just don't feel like that's in the cards for me. But, I don't carry around all this resentment anymore for this person.
  22. Ok, so here goes: My girlfriend and I had an argument, and as a result of her reaction I'm struggling over whether the relationship is working. It was a completely innocuous thing when isolated - we're both Uni students and her library books had ran out and she had fines. She wanted me to run down to the library to take them back for her. The thing is, I'd just got back in after going to the shops. I didn't want to run straight back out, and she's very capable of doing it herself. Her reasoning was she didn't have makeup on/hadn't washed her hair, but the library is 4-5 minutes away and a student one, nobody cares. She could have thrown on a hoody and gone on down, but she was insistent I do it because of her 'anxiety' meaning she needed to put on makeup to do it. Despite this, I know she's gone out plenty of times without makeup etc on, I feel like she just can't be bothered to do it. I told her no, I'd just got back in and she needs to do it, and that she needs to suck it up and just go down and get it done. I was a bit rude, but I was annoyed that she was getting angry at me because I wouldn't do it for her. Like I said, in isolation this is a nothing incident, but I left soon after and she was obviously in a mood. It's part of a wider problem; she's always getting me to do things (go to the shops, get her food etc) and I'm sick of feeling like a servant at times, so something just kinda snapped and I was like 'No, do it yourself'. She blames her mental health for needing me to do these things, but she's an adult and would have to do them if I wasn't around. I don't mind doing things for her at all but it's constant. That night I'd brought her back dinner/something to drink from the shops but she wanted to send me out again. It would have been so easy for her to throw on a hoody and walk to the library. She'd also been sat on her computer the entire night before and most of the day playing games and I was irritated because of that. I just kinda felt like she was only bothering with me if she needed something. Anyway, I'd appreciate some advice on how to confront this with her. I have a general idea, but I wanted to get some other opinions on whether I'm not just being a bit of an arse.
  23. Started dating a girl 1.5 years ago with Bi-polar and PTSD. It was very slow in the beginning with her not even wanting to kiss me on the first couple dates, then quickly transitioned into bouts of sex every time we hung out and constant conversations about it. She was happy for the first few months, then the drops happened and boy did they happen. Constantly telling me I will leave her because of her issues pushing me away then apologizing and thanking me for being understanding Being happy through text, then meeting in person she is just a husk of a person unmotivated and doesn't want to do any plans we made rejected physical or ignored physical gestures (Hugs never reciprocated, kisses were half assed 90% of the time, never showed me any affection) extreme lack of emotional support for me, while I poured hours into asking her to explain herself so I could help or be there for her manically cleaned apartment then depressingly destroyed it days later, didn't feed the cats for 2 days or more out of depression constantly degraded herself and out make small digs at me when I didn't understand something or questioned something she would say "You really think you are going to be good at X career with that thought process?" isolated to the point of being scared to go out and refused to go out half the time we would go to the grocery store excited then get there and she would just want to immediately leave kept pushing marriage on me even 6 months into the relationship and telling me how she wants to be married in 3 years and kids soon (Her own dad told her she should probably stop asking so much) she would judge my progress in school as "I am farther than you and I think you are just going to resent me or get lazy because I am farther." (Which I don't get at all, I didn't care I started later than her) would constantly tell me "you can't deal with me, I am not worth it, you will leave me, you don't understand me, you can't understand me." (I tried my damnedest to be there and hear her out) when we would talk she would zone out from our conversation and just start talking about what she wanted to talk about or ignore me lived in a fantasy world of TV shows and Disney concept of relationships (The man is the one in charge and he needs to do most of the work) when we discussed marriage a bit after I said I would like an option with the marriage things she said (This is my wedding I am the woman, if you don't like it then we aren't getting married) refused to let me move in unless we were engaged or married completely out of the blue when that wasn't our initial plan would shut me out frequently and not talk would give up on almost everything, even last week she "gave up" on school and failed 3 quizzes in a row because she didn't care anymore she talked about suicide multiple time as glorifying the idea of being dead she took frequently more Xanax than she should have and laughed about it, took more sedatives than she should and alcohol together and just said "If I woke up, I wake up oh well," constantly degraded everyone around her calling them stupid, idiots, ect, after her medication dose up and her PTSD flair up we didn't engage in any sexual activity for 3 or 4 months and she wouldn't even let me touch her as she said "I don't want any guy touching me, even you right now," (which hurt) impulsively buy underwear and things she really didn't need, maxed her credit card and has ruined her score and is paying high interest she complained about "zero romance" but every time I would ask to do something she would refuse it, no plans, no physical bonding, but then complained about we don't do anything... would starve herself for days because of didn't want to get fat while I was by her side trying to make her food or dinner and trying to get her to eat and she just refused a lot of the time Christmas we got a tree and started to set it up (A small one) halfway through she got frustrated, gave up and just laid on the couch for hours no wanting to talk or deal with anything never really seemed excited for me when I achieved anything at the gym, school or just dealing with my own issues would CONSTANTLY talk about her trauma and say she is good and fine but then almost immediately fall back into her pattern of self destruction, lack of awareness and spiraled backwards even when she did I was still there tell her she did a good job and trying to motivate her, but then would follow that with, Her personality just seemed to be her PTSD and Bi-Polar. Would look on pintrest 24/7 and equate quotes and motivational tags to our relationship and see if they added up to them to compare if we were doing ok or not. After all this, I still cared and tried to support her through everything and it still hurts... We had good moments of conversation we had and sometimes we cuddled at night and talked, we enjoyed the gym she more or less enjoyed running more though. We were eating properly together through myfitnesspal for a bit and we talked about school a lot since we are the same major and at times she did have some awareness of herself and it made me feel so happy she was doing good and was noticing her cycles. But then, she at times didn't tell her therapist all of her issues, didn't take her medication all the time, sometimes refused. I had to put my foot down at one point and tell her, "either you go to your therapist and get back on medication or I am leaving," and she did, but then she slowly started falling off again. She broke up with me because she said, "You won't ever understand what it is like to have bi-polar and or PTSD and you don't help me properly (after that I tried to get her to voice exactly how she wanted me to help and she really couldn't) and she said she just wants to move from our state and get away from her triggers (Which I think she is just running from her issues which will do nothing) She tried to take a break before, but I told her we either break up for we work through it, we worked through some stuff, but now she has officially ended things as she says "We are not on the same life path) with her wanting to move by the end of the year with no prospect of a job or even schooling lined up or anything. She told me I have been the best boyfriend she has ever had, I always listened to her and never degraded or held her illness against her and worked with her always. I feel terrible, I liked her a lot, but to be honest I think our "I love you's" might have been hollow, I worked on myself for a long time before the relationship and still have things I need to get better about (Some codependency), but I put everything into being there for her and helping her and I got really nothing in return but rare moments of a relationship and happiness followed by extreme irritant with feeling like an unpaid therapist and being around an individual that was miserable to the point of making me depressed and I started distancing myself because being around her was dragging me down. Thank you guys for listening, it just hurts... I put a lot of myself into this and I don't think she understand how much of myself I tore out of my comfort zone for her to just kind of leave. I was a bit bad yesterday, went to my therapist and talked a bit today, I am just coasting right now, I am not in despair, but I do feel a bit of heartbreak. I wanted to give it everything even if we were always on the same page and try to work on things with her, but one day she wanted to work on things the others were just stonewalling and whatnot. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like the one that lost here. I am kinda scared that if she does come around, I won't really have the strength to say no. If you guys have any questions I would love to answer them or can discuss some thing with you guys, I am still trying to organize everything in my head as well, thank you guys so much for putting up with the long ramble of thought.
  24. Hello all I'm not feeling very 'mother of the year' at the moment. Due to my very bad mental state at the end of last year, I made a drastic decision to move interstate - its just me and my 2 kids (older, 1 is 16 and 1 is 11) - and I feel that it was a bad choice, purely based mostly on fear and then hope. I wasn't in a violent or life threatenting situation but it was a mentally/emotionally toxic environment and in my haste to better the situation for myself and my kids, I decided to stay where I was holidaying interstate and now I am living with that decison and unfortunately, despite the good things that have happened (off my meds; have a great job) I am missing my son (the 16 year old, who chose to go back to the state we lived in to continue at his high school) - and I mean missing my son to the full extent of those words. Its like a part of me is missing. Not only that, the change meant my daughter had to adapt into a new school - which she has done, very proud of her strength - but now that the dust has settled, and I feel I am on the road to recovery, I am missing home. Well, the place I called home for 7 years and where my kids 'grew up'. Am I nuts for wanting to move back? I mean, I got rid of all my furniture, everything, to 'start over' - which I have done - but I honestly don't think I can continue living away from my son like this. I feel I did what I had to do at the time (move interstate) to save my sanity, my mental health ( i was very close to admitting myself into the nearest mental health facility; I wasn't considering anything drastic or anything serious - I think I just needed a mental break and had no where else to go). Coming off the meds has made me realise how much I have been hiding behind them (this is just me; I am absolutely not making any judgements on other peoples necessity in taking them). But now that these thoughts and realisations are crashing down on me, I'm realising what a stupid and really stupid thing I thought that I could live away from my child. My daughter is happy to go back home too as she misses her brother. Im feeling a mix of guilt and all at the same time. This is a vent I guess, a what would you do and a please help me see logic post all at once. Thanks for getting this far :)
  25. I have a lot of personal issues, I am going through a really bad quarter-life crisis where I feel like I need to hurry up and do everything (I also kind of feel like I didn't experience enough of other people romantically, that makes me feel really guilty and horrible). There's nothing wrong with my boyfriend, he's a supportive and loving person. This is the best, and longest, relationship I've ever been in (5 years). Maybe because we don't have issues I am getting bored? I also have mental issues that I need to work on, I am going to see a therapist within the next month. I feel extremely overwhelmed with life, and at the same time I'm really confused and lost, and I need to figure out what I want. The last thing I want is to hurt my boyfriend with reckless behavior, and I feel like that's coming, like I might cheat on him or something. He does not deserve that. Is it wrong to take a break because I have problems and will probably end up damaging our relationship? I feel like I can't be a good partner, like I'm just dragging him down and he's just going to get hurt. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible. I never thought I would be asking if I should take a break from this, because our relationship is great.
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