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About Me

  1. It's time to actually make a journal and stick to it. Even if no one but me reads this, it's the cathartic properties of actually expressing my emotions that I aim for. Well, here we go. Day one. Today I had no real plans other than to do some gardening. After my morning routine of rolling out of bed, I got a call from my sister to ask if i could pick up my niece as she was unwell at school and my sister couldn't make it there to get her. I dropped her off at my mums house, had a chat with her and then headed home to get started on my front yard. I moved into a rental about 6 months ago, and it was a mess. The previous renter left junk everywhere, the front garden is an overgrown mess. I have been making my way through every room in the house, cleaning walls, carpets, everything. Making progress, but the last thing I have to complete is the front garden. Thankfully, it didn't take long. Nothing some headphones, gloves and hedge trimmers can't fix. Lately I have been pondering what it would be like to just fly off of the radar. Sell most of my big belongings, sell my car, buy a van, and just travel from town to town picking up jobs and seeing the country. It's obviously not gonna happen, but it's something I can't seem to shake. I think I am overwhelmed with everything that is going on currently and I just wanna escape it all. However, I'm staying strong and trying to find my place in this world. I have been in a really healthy relationship for the past 6 months. We met through a mutual friend, neither of us expecting a relationship. As time passed we became closer and closer, learning more about each other and realising how compatible we are. We were housemates together for a while when I moved away for 6 months, which helped me determine and learn a lot about her. We adopted a cat together and recently decided to take the plunge and get a dog. We both live active lifestyles and play sports, love camping and fishing, don't really like the night life. She is the kindest, gentlest, wonderful person I have ever met. I am blessed to have her in my life. My mental health has been very up and down lately, but I have been working hard to get back to stability. It was recommended to me to ween off of my antidepressants as they have been making my mental health worse. Since I have been cutting down on them, I am actually more stable. I can feel happiness again and not just a constant white noise. I have so much motivation and actually get things done. Still waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist for ADHD medication, but I have dealt with that for my entire life so I will be okay. The depression and anxiety is still there, but I am dealing with it much better now that i can actually feel emotions again. I think I will finish this for today, can't think of anything else currently,
  2. Hello, Recently I have noticed patterns of irritability and anger. I try to control it, but each time I fail. Yesterday, I lashed out at a woman at the Drivers License center because she was very rude to me. I was so upset afterwards and cried in my car because I’ve never stuck up for myself like that. Although I did that, I let it get to me the rest of the day. There’s other situations where I feel angry and I want to blow up, so I go into a quiet place to cool down and take deep breaths. I do consider myself to be communicative, but sometimes I feel like I am not heard when I express myself, which is probably why I feel angry. I have noticed that some situations in the past have made me an angry person. I didn’t always use to be this way. I was always the nice person, but I’m now the complete opposite and have a zero tolerance/patience level. My anxiety has worsen and I let the small things get to me. I want to know if anyone is going through this and if you can give me any helpful tips to control my anger? Thank you.
  3. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  4. I (24F) am in a relationship with a 24M of which I am unsure where I stand at the moment. I'm sorry in advance if the following is a little all over the place, just in desperate need of advice/outside perspective. We kept breaking up briefly (few days) past couple months due to me being worried about other girls and him being worried about another guy. Last week I was unsure where I stood with him, I had seen him earlier that week, a couple days later he said he felt single and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. He said this multiple times in the past few weeks, only to come back to me saying he wants to be with me and marry me but that we need to sort through the insecurities in the relationship. He went out of town this past weekend, during which time I found a hotel reservation under his name from the day after he told me he felt single (my laptop was logged into his email). I had spoken to him that day over the phone, because I knew he did not want things to be over (2 days later he said he wanted to marry me). He told me he was on the way to meet a photographer. This was obviously a lie, I confronted him about it, he completely denied it for 2 days and then told me he would explain everything. Since he was out of town and had plans, he dragged out having this conversation until last night. Between me finding the reservation and finally being able to have a conversation with him about it, he went out for drinks with another girl ( a friend I know). This made me a little uneasy, because I was already on edge with everything going on and felt like I'm just not a priority to him at all, as long as he has other girls around him. I know if the tables were turned, I would priorities having this conversation with him first, so not to trigger his anxiety and keep him assuming and overthinking. Last night once I finally got a hold of him, he told me he went on a double date that evening he lied, and that it wasn't really a date but that him, his cousin and 2 girls went to get food and then he booked a hotel for all four of them to have drinks in the room. I feel betrayed, I had tried blocking him off of everything a couple days after he went to that hotel, before I knew anything, only for him to spam call me from another number telling me that it's me he wants and all the other girls that I am worried about mean nothing to him. When I spoke to him last night about this, he left the conversation unfinished and said that he would speak to me about it today, because he was drunk from having drinks with that other girl. Today, I had been trying to reach him for hours, as my anxiety keeps sky rocketing, not knowing what's going to happen between me and him. After trying for hours he finally picks up and tells me he's out having lunch with this girl he met through social media. I broke down. I've known about this girl, and he tells me they are just friends, but I still feel hurt. I feel like he keeps going on "dates" with girls he claims to just be friends. He did the same thing about 2 weeks ago now with another girl whom he met over social media, but they went out for drinks together, all in the name of "net-working". Maybe I have a very old fashioned way of thinking, but I have not felt comfortable going out for drinks or food with other guys I barely know, and I know for a fact he would be mad if I did the same, but he knows I wouldn't, because I feel uncomfortable doing that myself. I know my rational self tells me to just not be in this relationship but I have seriously struggled getting out of it, and my mental health is at a all time at the moment. I guess I am just wanting opinions about not only the whole situation but right now the thing that is bugging me the most is if I am overreacting by the way I feel when he goes out for drinks or food with girls he met through social media. Side note- because of everything going on between me and him, we haven't even gone out for drinks or food ourselves since COVID restrictions have been lifted, and I guess this makes me even more jealous that these girls are getting to spend time with him and I haven't been.
  5. Hello, I'm a student and I came here for advice about a sensible situation, thank you in advance for the answers, sorry for the lenght, this is quite complex but I just want to have an external opinion on the feelings I go through, the whole story is just to set the context. Trigger warning : abortion/ abandonment. 8 months ago (October) I met a man on a dating app, at first he seems to be open to discover each other around a coffee, and I was more into having fun. Our conversations were the simple/quite boring kind, but I give it a try as he seemed cute and I felt good and confident in my life. So we spent a first night together not planned but on an impulsive need to see each other late. Then wow I discovered a funny, smart and cuddly man. I’ve been hurt in the past due to relationships where I forgot myself in unrequited love so I decided to act “cool” and “casual” for once, thinking I could keep an hand on this He asked me two days after to see each other again but again I try to make myself mysterious, we saw each other a few days after, on a night too. Then I started to get attached and I felt he started to be distant. As I tried to get some news a few days after the last encounter, he never answered so things didn’t go on and I erased him from Instagram, only media we had to chat. I know this was immature but at that time I didn’t know him enough to trust him as we met twice in a month, at night, I thought it was just another ghosting from a dating app hook-up. Life went on, I rarely thought of him but some nights after a glass of wine when I felt lonely and I regretted my impulsive act. In January I saw him on another dating app, I matched, he had matched me so we talked again, and I asked him to see each other again, he seemed unsure which I understood. However due to serious personal issues I had to erase my account on this site and as I had erased him from Instagram we had no way to talk, but I was too mentally/emotionally busy to care. He finally found my Instagram account a few days later, dm me and insisted on us seeing each other again, seemed really implicated. I felt surprised in a happy way, it was the sunshine in a dark week and we saw each other on the following weekend. It was a great moment, he spent the whole weekend with me and we found back this complicity we had a few months before, talked his about silence and my reaction, it was a qui pro quo as he was living hard stuff he said. Then a week passed and no news, I started to feel angry… then he texted me on the weekend on a funny thing, I took time to answer but we chatted a bit and then no news. I tried to speak to him but he wasn’t really implicated in talking to me. I started to feel frustrated that’s when I realized I might want more than casual meetings and a few texts. I told him these feelings on a Friday night by text, he told me he didn’t want more than fun and it was never the case, telling me he thought it was obvious, I got hurt but accepted it. I told him that I could go above this and still fit into the casual stuff. after two times asking him for a night where he “couldn’t” then a month of no messages had passed. I tried to forget him, blaming myself for acting this needy and trying to identify my feelings. Then he texted me again to see each other, which made me happy but I was busy and it took a few days til I could even if I was thinking of him the whole time. It was great seeing him again, just to tell, he’s until now the best sexual partner I had and the fact that he’s cuddly and funny was so comfortable. He left, two texts about food on the same week-end and silence again. I tried to see him before quarantine hit the country, he couldn’t so I took time for me. Then the problem arrived, as I was thinking about not seeing him again because of this disastrous feeling of loneliness each time he left my house, I discovered I was pregnant. we made sure to be checked for STD, but due to hormonal reason I had to stop my pill while waiting to get an IUD, and this last time we saw each other, I checked my menstrual cycle. I thought of the morning-after pill but I trusted my cycle and dumbly thought that for the one time in my life w/o protection, I was safe. As you guessed, I found out I was pregnant, after a week of nausea and breast aching. I told him by text, Instagram was still the only way to chat, directly told him about my intention not to keep the child and he told me he was sorry, he wished me the best and that’s all. I got mad and after days of no news and thinking, hurting, I told him I wanted to talk face to face. He was okay and came and we had a long chat about my opinion, my feelings about this pregnancy, my anger, and he told me about his feelings toward this, for the first time I finally heard of what he could felt. It was moving, really sad, but he seemed concerned, encouraging and supportive, told me he’d be there. I felt better but when he left I felt even more alone, nothing was left to say, he even told me he’d be more careful with his next relationship which oddly hurt me. His choice was not to have a baby now, and with me, mine was that I couldn’t financially raise a baby, but I didn’t tell him that I was scared to abort due to the fact that it was the last thing that bonded me to him and that I was so mad that things ended up without my control, without my dignity, without my choice. Seeing him was so hurtful, I wanted to hug him so badly, we couldn’t help but smile to each other through the pain cause we still had this bond, I’m aware it was mostly pity in his case tho. However I felt in his eyes that he cared for me, in a way I couldn’t see when it was all that I was waiting. So I felt rubbish. Now you know, 8 months after what the situation is(April) and I feel so selfish to feel this way but I don’t know what I suffer most from the idea of losing him forever, as a I don’t really know him, than this idea of having to go through this traumatic event which abortion could be. I must mention that I have been abandoned as a child, because I think that it left me patterns, but I want to understand how could I be in such an emotional situation? I don’t think it’s love but it’s hurting me so much just to imagine him with another girl, while I know I while never open myself again, not after this experience. My only thought is that I wish I had took this morning-after pill just to have a chance to see him again, does that make me cruel and insane? What do you see in this experience? Sorry for the long long post...Feel free to tell me, try to not judge me and thanks for reading me, if you want further information feel free to ask. I I really need your help. (maybe this is in the wrong tag?)
  6. Hi everyone, I've not posted here before, so I hope I do this right. I've got no idea where to turn to for advice - it feels guilty turning to friends and family - so I've turned to you guys. Sorry if this turns out long. Me and my boyfriend both have issues. I have depression (which is currently severe) and anxiety. He has nothing diagnosed, but certainly has issues, and tends to worry a lot. He can also get sad out of the blue. Our relationship has gone okay for the first year. We're good at communicating, we deal with problems. But this - this isn't the same. The more we've been together, the more attached he's grown, understandably. But to the point where his mood is dependent on mine. This wouldn't matter, except that I'm incredibly depressed, and so it makes him incredibly depressed. I force myself to be "okay", and he brightens up again. I've brought this up with him, and he agrees. He doesn't have much in his life - he has a few friends, but they're distant as he put little effort into those friendships once we started going out. He's tried contacting a few to give himself something other than me in his life, but even when spending time with them, he's messaging me, asking if I'm okay, etc. He can't be away from me. I wouldn't mind, but it means when he is, he's sad, and his attachment to me means he's so sensitive to how I'm feeling, meaning his feelings, thoughts, needs are all focused on me. The relationship is incredibly unbalanced as it stands, as he focuses so much on me despite it making him sad, and I don't like it at all. I suggested we needed a week to focus on ourselves and boost our mental health and see how we are, but even then he can't stop himself from messaging. It upsets me, not because he's clingy - I don't mind clingy at all - but because his life revolves around me. And at the current moment, I'm an unstable mess. Which makes him an unstable mess. Losing him would kill me - he is the kindest and most understanding person I know. But the only thing worse than losing him is making him depressed. I've been advised that he's staying in this relationship - he's not left, and if it was too much for him, he would have. But I doubt he would have at all - he is the kind of person who would stay even if it killed him, and I think at this point he is staying despite the damage it's doing to his own mental health. He does not have enough self-worth to be able to step back and say "this is too much for me". Because all of the pain he experiences is for me, and so it makes it okay. But it doesn't in my eyes. I'd appreciate any advice on the best way to move forward. If there's a way to fix these issues, I'd love to hear them - I don't want to lose him. But I worry it's too much for him.
  7. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. Although he is a loving, attentive and caring partner, he is also a bit controlling and had a few problems with my independence. In the last couple years our relationship was not going so great. But we still had many good moments that made everything worth it, and we were making efforts to adjust to each other’s needs, which was not so easy: I am the independent type, more career-oriented, while he is more romantic and focused on family and relationship. Also, he has bipolar disorder and refuses to treat it, letting it spill into our relationship in the form of anger and manipulative behavior. It has always been very confusing and hurtful and it got to a point that I didn’t know anymore if I wanted to spend my life with him, even though he was the most wonderful of men when he was in a “good day”. Also, I have always believed that I should be there for him no matter what and didn’t want him to see me as unsupportive or absent. I have a 12 year-old daughter that he used to treat as his. She was 7 when we met, and since then he decided to assume a paternal role (that i never asked for, by the way - her bio dad is not at all absent and I never was the lonely, overworked single mom figure; I am actually very resourceful and self-sufficient). In the beginning I thought his caring treatment of her was very sweet. But after a while we started arguing because he thought he had to have “rights” over her - to have a say in her hours, schoolwork, food choices, etc. To an extent that he started questioning even what his bio dad does for her, from medical opinions to Christmas presents. Whenever I disagreed with him, he played the outcast card - he said he didn’t feel wanted in my house or in my family dynamics. And that was not only in what concerned my kid, but in everything else. He never accepted the fact that I didn’t really need him to help care for my business or other things in my life - in his mind a relationship consists of two partners sharing all aspects of life and he used to get really resented when I didn’t want or need his inputs. He was always trying to push boundaries to get to a place where he could feel more in control. Thus, sometimes I would allow him to have his way so peace could be maintained and he wouldn’t feel “rejected”. My girl used to trust him entirely and we had a lot of fun together. Sometimes she would ask to share the bed with us, especially when she felt sick. Then one day, when she was 11, he started to bring her to our bed on the weekend mornings himself. That started bothering me and I would ask him to leave her alone in her own bedroom. But he wouldn’t listen. I got afraid to offend him and make him feel bad and “unwanted” - he was a good person, right? I thought, “well, he just wants to feel like we are a family”, and ended up allowing it a few times. Until the day my girl told me that he had touched her breasts while we were together in bed, and I was asleep. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe I was living one of the worst mother’s nightmares. I confronted him. He said he was absolutely not aware of what had happened. We discussed the issue and, considering he had bipolar disorder, and that he had acted the same with me before (sexual touching while asleep), I suggested that he could have an underlying condition. It was hard to believe he was “that” type of guy. We talked, the three of us. He apologized, she took his apologies; life resumed. But she never treated him the same, getting very upset every time he came to spend the weekends with us. And honestly, I could never feel comfortable again when he was around. Then one day she told her school counselor. She was understandably not being able to get over the situation. And I got a call from Child Protection Services. A social worker visited my house, interviewed me, and talked to him on the phone. In the end the allegations of child neglect and abuse were deemed unfounded, but now I have to live with that stigma, and it is a very hard pill to swallow. I have been through so much to be with my child and raise her on my own, it was definitely unfair that allegations of neglect had fallen on me. With the quarantine, I had to suddenly stop seeing my fiance, and it was a wonderful opportunity to be on my own to evaluate our relationship, as well as heal my relationship with my daughter. The truth is that we are much better off without him in our lives. I felt responsible for what happened, for not being strong enough to go against his whims. I am facing a lot of guilt, thinking about what I could have done so she didn’t have to go through that, if I had been firmer and didn’t have the habit to ignore my discomforts so others could feel comfortable. But I also feel guilty for his feelings. He is miserable. He’s been writing to me and trying to get together, and rebuild our relationship. In our last chat I noticed that he is in a certain denial (or ignorance) of what it means for a woman, especially at my daughter’s age, to be inappropriately touched by a man. As much as I feel sorry for him, there’s no way I am going to put my child through having him involved with us again. Also, how to trust? How could I be sure that his behavior was triggered by a condition and not deliberate? I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I kept seeing the man that hurt my child. Unintentionally or not, the consequences of what he did are here and cannot be erased. He is expecting me to do something, and I know he is angry and feeling misunderstood. He probably thinks I don’t care. I feel really terrible for the whole situation and would appreciate any inputs.
  8. My ex boyfriend (we split in February) is still trying to stay in contact with me - we had a very toxic relationship as he was often lying and hiding things from me. I found it difficult to let go as he was saying comments to me like “if you walk away, there is no point me being here anymore” which put an awful amount of strain on my mental health. However 3 weeks ago I decided to send a message letting him know that I couldn’t support him anymore as I need to look after my own mental health now. He didn’t understand this. He thinks I’m being selfish. However now he’s getting really suffocating, messaging me 50+ times a day, monitoring how often I’m online on whatsapp and asking me if I’m speaking to someone every time I am. I’ve blocked him on Instagram however he has told me he’s set up a new account (which I don’t know the name of) to check who I follow (I’m on private so he counts the numbers), he does this many times a day, and if he sees any numbers go up he constantly asks if I’m following any new guys or what picture I have uploaded. I’ve also seen him visit my town (20+ miles away from his home). He’s asked me to see him when he’s here but I refuse as it won’t help the situation. He told me he’s going to try over 100 times until I give in. I feel like I can’t live my life, I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a social media detox would help but it’s a shame I have to stop these things just because of him. Any advice please 😞
  9. Hello all, I'm trying to balance my mental health a little as I think my break up definitely wobbled it a little. I found out my ex was on a dating website, which now I have accepted as she is totally free to do as she wishes. I decided it may be good for me to do so to. I went on the same one as her, not to spy before anyone says! It just seemed it would be the best one for me in terms of opportunities and the fact it's free! It would appear she has hidden her profile as she didn't appear on the search for my town-a blessing in disguise as we won't stumble across each other - but when I clicked the "who viewed me" tab, it showed she had looked at my profile-this would have been few weeks back though as I did log on when I recieved an email telling me I had a message- It showed her as online but I have heard that sometimes these sites aren't fully accurate with the online status. I am assuming she has hidden her profile as at this stage, with lockdown, she may have seen it as a waste of time and will unhide it when things return to normal, this kind of gives me a little relief as deep down I would love to sort things with her. Alternatively she may be hidden and is now chatting to the people that messaged her before she made her profile hidden. Either way, I don't know how best to focus my mind as I think either thought process will cause me unwanted stress or anxiety
  10. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  11. I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 9 months now. I am 23 and he is 25. Going into the relationship I was a virgin and he was not. He was single for a long time, basically 20-25, and in that time he went through hell. Battling drug addiction, getting kicked out of school, the loss of several loved ones, severe mental health issues. He comes from a broken home and two fathers who both abandoned him. I have diagnosed OCD and am being eaten alive by retroactive jealousy in what has amounted to my absolute worst fears in a relationship. I knew all of this going into it and was okay with it but I did not know the full extent of his sexual history. He lied to me about it and about a week ago I fully found out. Before I go into detail I feel that I should say that he’s been an incredibly loving and kind boyfriend. He’s sweet and does so much for me. He has told me that Im the reason he’s putting his life back together and since we met he’s gotten a job he loves in the career path of his choice, he got a car, he’s going back to school and he’s made progress with his mental health. I feel honored to have been there for him and helped him so much in such a short amount of time and that he would’ve done all of that for me. He has been totally loyal and good to me. What’s eating me up inside though is that in our relationship he definitely seems to prefer topping, while he was almost exclusively a bottom before me. I found out after questioning, which only after going online I realize I shouldn’t have done, that he likes rough and degrading sex and had many casual hookups. He initially told me he’d been with around 10 people. I now know it to be more like 30. This was happening right before we met and had not occurred throughout his adulthood. There were extended periods where he was basically celibate but it seems like when he got out of rehab he used this as another way to fill a void. I’m hurt, ashamed and disgusted by what I know. I don’t understand it at all and can’t seem to get a handle on my thoughts. I know he would send nudes and even had a sex video that he would send to hookups. This has turned into my absolute worst nightmare scenario. He told me the reason he didn’t tell me is because he was ashamed and didn’t want to believe that he really liked those things, or for me to see him in that way. So now I’m also hurt that he wouldn’t tell me and that he didn’t want that with me. I know he did it partly because he was lonely in a new city, he felt isolated and wanted attention and to be wanted. I know that he was in a very difficult time in his life. I can’t stop imagining him being degraded by other people, hookups, and the way that it was rough sex. It’s unimaginable to me that he liked to be degraded by strangers during sex. It feels unbelievable that this has happened and I can’t look at him the same way. I wish so terribly he hadn’t lied and I’d been able to make a choice early on if I wanted to be with him or not. I feel so repulsed and sickened knowing that that happened. My mind is constantly racing, I constantly ache, and I feel totally heartbroken. My OCD has made this a real world nightmare and it’s like I can see and hear all of this going on. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t know how to meld his actions with my values however and I also don’t know how to get over everything I now know. I’m literally sickened. I can’t eat and can barely sleep. It’s plaguing me every minute of the day. I’ve lost over 10 pounds in a week because of this and I need help. I need advice on what to do and what to think. How to correct my thoughts and how to come to terms and be able to deal with this. Or if it’s too much for anyone to deal with and I should save us both agony and end things. I’m sure it’s even worse because I have no sexual history of my own but I think it would be difficult for anyone to bear. Please help, any advice and know how is much appreciated.
  12. i really have everything in life. i have really nice parents, two brothers who love me, the best and funniest friends in the world, i draw quite well for someone my age (15), and (used to) have good grades, but due to anxiety issues my grades dropped a little, from A to B- or C. I don't know why my mental health is so debilitated, i don't have any major trauma or anything like that. I started being anxious/depressed one year an a half ago, maybe because of stress from school, but there aren't many people who have the same problems as me at my class. I take lots of medicine, but those don't seem to work as well as i wanted to, it just prevents me from suiciding instantly, wich i've tried two times. i really wanted to take this out of my chest, thanks if you read it till here.
  13. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 29 . He has PTSD from his childhood from his mother . Lately he has been lashing out and trying to dump me cause his mother is making our relationship difficult . After the last out of talking for two hours to come back to common ground all of a sudden everything is fine and he doesn’t want to break up . Lately he has been going it a lot . His family 7 months before we moved out trashed talked me and his dad texted me a nasty text not even being in our place for a couple of days . He’s not happy and he keeps going psycho and doesn’t know what he wants anymore because of them . He hasn’t talked to them much but when he does his mom try’s to manipulate him to come home . They keep saying we know you are stuck in a rock and hard place meaning being moved out with me . This all stemmed from me blocking his mom cause she kept trying to control our relationship and how he saw us . So she could try to get him to stay home . I don’t know the past 7 months have been very up and down and I’m getting super tired of it . It’s getting hard to bounce back from it all . What do I do ? I’m getting tired of it . I really thought he was the one . I’d do anything for him .
  14. So basically, my dad's cancer has returned. He is going through chemo and is very unwell atm, even though he is 6 weeks into 6 months of chemo. They aren't young, my mum and dad. Dad is 73, mum 74 and mother is very dependent on my dad, as she has been severely mentally unwell since her 30's. She has had a lot of bad stuff happen in life. MY dad cooks, does garden and DIY. She can't even go to the shop by herself and only leaves the house once a week. I have declined a job opportunity and came home from abroad, to support my dad. However, my mum and her mental illness and stubbornness makes life hard for me and my siblings to be there for dad. She is snappy, grumpy, mean and will not really let my dad rest properly. She snaps at him and gets upset/angry with him. He needs to rest, but she has him cooking, cleaning and maing her cups of tea on demand. If i say I will make the tea, she gets moody. Its so bizzare. I thought my fathers diagnosis would snap her out of it, but it hasnt. One of the dogs is very barky and we have been trying to train the dog not to bark, but my mum will not follow suit. My poor dad cannot sleep properly and jumps when the dog barks and it has him on edge. We bought a training collar that sprays a mist when the dog barks, but causes no harm. If the dog wears it, she doesnt bark. Simples, however my mum wont put it on the dog, even when my dad is trying to rest. She is also like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with me, makes life very unpleasant for my siblings and I. She gets moody and grumpy and argues over nothing or trivial things. I don't know what to do, a lot of the time its emotionally abusive really, I moved abroad and travelled a lot but came home recently after planning to live abroad, to support my dad through this. However, I am sick of the toxicness from my mum. I am sick as are my siblings, of how things are for my dad. I am a yogi, practice most days for an hour and a halh...and meditate a lot and have a lot of empathy for my mother, however, you would think if she had bad upbringing etc... that she would be different. However, mental illness too ingrained. How to deal? I just don't get how she can still be like this with us/my dad. However, I think its too mentally engrained and she will not change. I know its right to be at home, I wish she could just be chill and make life pleasant. (BTW anything you suggest, for her to try, trust me as a family we have tried a million times, this is more a how to deal)
  15. I didn't know where to put this. i will try to keep it short and sweet. I don't want to live with my parents anymore but im too young and prospects of me moving out in near future are far from real. I don't want to live with my family anymore because i feel supressed by them. like i cant be myself. i have a few mental health issues. i know this. i cant keep up the act all my life tho. pls help. My parents are good parents but i hav a lot to live up to from my sister and so cant be myself. any ideas of what i should do?
  16. OK, so here's the story: I was home for the holiday season and was calling around to friends. I tried to contact one of my oldest frieds but she didn't return that calls. No problem with that, I didn't know if she was in town or not so I just left a couple of messages and figured she would gt back to me. She finally did e-mail me back telling me that she'd been dignosed with bi-polar disorder. She has dropped out of school and spends the entire day in bed. I want to do something to help her, but I don't know what to do. I'm away at school, but there should be somthing that I can contribute. Does anyone have any any suggestions? Thanks
  17. Does anyone know if there is a correlation between IBS, Hyperactive thyroid, and Bipolar Disorder?
  18. I've seen the commercials on TV about Paxil and the chemical imbalance someone can have in there brain that causes social anxiety but couldn't shyness also be a part of your personality? I can be so shy at times in public, but when I'm around "comfortable" places or people I know or if I'm in a positive mood I tend to be more outgoing. Plus when I'm on the phone talking to friends or people I've just met, I can be really open and not be shy at all, so I really wonder at times if shyness or being timid is just a part of my personality or if its really a psychological problem.
  19. Can you guys explain something to me... Why is it that when I'm dating someone and the girl goes hot and cold? One day or a few days, she's all warm and attentive to me and everythings' great. But the next day, she goes cold and it seems that she doesn't want to talk and wants to be alone and not with me at that time. This is confusing to me. I do understand that women have moods and they go up and down, depending on their circumstances. Logically, I cannot think of anything that *I* did or said that made them go cold... so it could be outside circumstances. But still, I feel left out and I start to fear and dread a scenario: she lost interest in me, or got bored with me, and doesn't want to see me anymore like she did before. What should I do? This girl I've been seeing the past month and a half, and we see each other a couple times a week except for thanksgiving break. I was hoping to find a girl who is more emotionally CONSISTENT because I don't like the whole hot and cold thing, because it is hard for me to handle. This girl I'm seeing isn't bipolar or anything, but even the slightest hot-cold swing is enough to make me wonder and dread the worst case. Any thoughts?
  20. Man ive been taking these new zyprexa pills for people who are bi polar are great!Ive been happy for like the last 4 weeks pretty often and they seem to have been working.Unless this a manic stage of being bi-polar i feel great right now and im so happy and cant stop thinking about only good things.What medications are u guys taking anybody else that is bi-polar.How do u guys cope with it?And how much do u guys love ur new found happiness? Im currently enjoying it
  21. Hi, my name is Lucy and I am having extreme psychological issues after I found out my boyfriend looked at porn. I seem to not be thinking straight and seem to have an identity problem. I think i might be going crazy. Everything I feel is depression, sadness, and confusion. By identity problems meaning I think insane thoughts of being not me, but truly somebody unnattractive. Am I going crazy?
  22. Me and my girlfriend of one year used to have an awesome sex life. But about 4 monthes ago she lost her sex drive. There were few moments here and there during the last 4 monthes where shed be in the mood but it only lasted for a day. The thing is, she says it has nothing to do with me and shes still attracted to me. I still treat her just as good as i always have. One reason I though might be causing this is that shes bi-polar, and shes going through a depresion cycle right now, so maybe thats doing it. But it's been 4 monthes with no sex drive. I didn't think it was humanly possible to go that long with no desire for sex. She also said that this never happened to her before, and also that this is the longest relationship shes ever been in. She says that she doesnt find anybody sexually attractive, so it's not just me. What can we do?
  23. hello all. i have been tortured with mental health problems for about 10 years now, and i dont think that things will get better. I've managed to stay alive so far, and will likely do so for a few more years yet. Thing is i dont really see a future other than living off state benefits. I have not had a girlfriend in years, i dont have any mates i dont have any money, i dont have a future. all i have is alcohol which i really truly hate. i only drink a few times a week nowadays and dont drink much either, but i know my future will evolve suffering, alcoholism and a premature death, whether by suicide or liver failure. I do see a shrink, though she is useless and i dont have a rapport with her. I also see a community psychiatric nurse as well. for example no matter how much i beg for help, they never precribe anti-depressants, or sleeping tablets or effective anti-anxiety medication As i suffer from debilitating anxiety i rarely go out, but when i do, I turn green , puke everywhere and faint when i do. I have been told that cognitive behavioural therapy would help, but because i suffer from psychosis i have been told that i am not eligible for CBT. I also have to feed my mum becuase she is so heavily in debt. consequently im always broke and have a little money to spend on myself. i just dont get it. i really dont see why i keep going, especially when i know what my future holds. life really is a stupid thing. cheers
  24. I'm fascinated by psychology, but I don't know a lot about it. WARNING: A lot of the stuff that I say, although researched maybe flat out wrong, but I'm just looking for input really. At the risk of all of us explaining our breakups via psychological problems I ask the following question: IF your ex is having a hard time coming back to you do you think there is any psychological issues that are keeping them from coming back? If so, what are the symptoms? Even better question: Do you feel you suffer from any of these conditions yourself? If so, what do you think the symptoms are? I imagine that many many people here and our ex's suffer from some mild psychological issue. Possible conditions: Fear of Rejection Fear of Abandonment Fear of Commitment Fear of loss Dependency Codependency Depression Loneliness Trust Issues Shyness Overemphasized Male Autonomy etc... Questions to ask: Childhood: How was their relationship with their mother/father? Was there a divorce? Has a parent died? Did they ever have an example of a loving relationship when they were growing up? Are the first born? middle child? last born? Previous relationships: How were their previous relationships? long? short? Did they have many relationships? Were they rejected repeatedly or did they do repeated rejection? Current life situation: Are they accomplishing goals? Do they refuse help?Do they spend a lot of time alone? Are they a social butterfly or very shy? The questions are endless! Please post 1) Conditions 2) Symptoms 3) Questions to ask yourself
  25. Hi well ive known this girl for almost over a year now...we have had our fights..liturally we got in a slap box fight . But for some reason we always ended up makeing up and it just seems to bring the relationship closer..but there is always those days that she skips her pill or highers her amont of pills or something n she turns into a total mean chick! like roooor!hiss Scratch lol..but yea she went out with my bro n they broke up n it all got real messy..like she lied and said she got an std from my bro and then it ended up being something less like it was an infesction but not serious one.. we took my bro to the docs..And so my bro doesnt allow her over my house unless hes not there..he hates her n she still always wonders about him... neways just recently she started being over barring like she acts like im her girlfriend or boyfriend or something..she told me that she doesnt want to be hurt so she wants to end our friendship because i smoked at my girls house..but i mean i am tryin to quit..ppl get tempted ya know? Neways her fam is like my 2nd fam they are so supportive and always have me over for dinner i always was over there n it felt weird being there when my bestfriend could only be at my house when no one was there ya know?? it kind of put a dent on our relationship..but yea neways can neone gimie sugestions..shoul di try fixing this or go on with this n get a new bestfriend
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