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About Me

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  1. I've never wrote on a self-help forum ever but i think this is a good time to do it, so here we are, I am kinda trying to fit into the personal development comunity but i never had like a contact with a social group interested in the same stuff, Lately i have noticed a lack of motivation to follow my routine and doing my responsabilities or doing daily habits, things like doing homework, working out (this is weird because i really love exercising), going to classes, or simple habits like taking a shower or getting up early, i know all of that is important and it's going to improve my life but it's like when i have to do all of that my brain says no and i can't get out of that. It's not all the time, but i feel like i am in a vicious circle of trying to stop the laziness doing what i have to do, and a period when i have zero motivation of doing everything and relapsing in bad habits, i'd like you to give me some advice on how to recover a good motivation for doing these habits and achieving my goals, and also having a strong discipline so i can break this cycle as soon as possible, maybe i need to do introspection of what is going on with my life or something? or maybe i need to find a purpose so i can stay motivated with what i have to do? (which i have been trying to, but i can't find it), anything that can help me please reply and thx.
  2. Hello, Recently I have noticed patterns of irritability and anger. I try to control it, but each time I fail. Yesterday, I lashed out at a woman at the Drivers License center because she was very rude to me. I was so upset afterwards and cried in my car because I’ve never stuck up for myself like that. Although I did that, I let it get to me the rest of the day. There’s other situations where I feel angry and I want to blow up, so I go into a quiet place to cool down and take deep breaths. I do consider myself to be communicative, but sometimes I feel like I am not heard when I express myself, which is probably why I feel angry. I have noticed that some situations in the past have made me an angry person. I didn’t always use to be this way. I was always the nice person, but I’m now the complete opposite and have a zero tolerance/patience level. My anxiety has worsen and I let the small things get to me. I want to know if anyone is going through this and if you can give me any helpful tips to control my anger? Thank you.
  3. It's time to actually make a journal and stick to it. Even if no one but me reads this, it's the cathartic properties of actually expressing my emotions that I aim for. Well, here we go. Day one. Today I had no real plans other than to do some gardening. After my morning routine of rolling out of bed, I got a call from my sister to ask if i could pick up my niece as she was unwell at school and my sister couldn't make it there to get her. I dropped her off at my mums house, had a chat with her and then headed home to get started on my front yard. I moved into a rental about 6 months ago, and it was a mess. The previous renter left junk everywhere, the front garden is an overgrown mess. I have been making my way through every room in the house, cleaning walls, carpets, everything. Making progress, but the last thing I have to complete is the front garden. Thankfully, it didn't take long. Nothing some headphones, gloves and hedge trimmers can't fix. Lately I have been pondering what it would be like to just fly off of the radar. Sell most of my big belongings, sell my car, buy a van, and just travel from town to town picking up jobs and seeing the country. It's obviously not gonna happen, but it's something I can't seem to shake. I think I am overwhelmed with everything that is going on currently and I just wanna escape it all. However, I'm staying strong and trying to find my place in this world. I have been in a really healthy relationship for the past 6 months. We met through a mutual friend, neither of us expecting a relationship. As time passed we became closer and closer, learning more about each other and realising how compatible we are. We were housemates together for a while when I moved away for 6 months, which helped me determine and learn a lot about her. We adopted a cat together and recently decided to take the plunge and get a dog. We both live active lifestyles and play sports, love camping and fishing, don't really like the night life. She is the kindest, gentlest, wonderful person I have ever met. I am blessed to have her in my life. My mental health has been very up and down lately, but I have been working hard to get back to stability. It was recommended to me to ween off of my antidepressants as they have been making my mental health worse. Since I have been cutting down on them, I am actually more stable. I can feel happiness again and not just a constant white noise. I have so much motivation and actually get things done. Still waiting to be seen by a psychiatrist for ADHD medication, but I have dealt with that for my entire life so I will be okay. The depression and anxiety is still there, but I am dealing with it much better now that i can actually feel emotions again. I think I will finish this for today, can't think of anything else currently,
  4. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
  5. I didn't know where to put this. i will try to keep it short and sweet. I don't want to live with my parents anymore but im too young and prospects of me moving out in near future are far from real. I don't want to live with my family anymore because i feel supressed by them. like i cant be myself. i have a few mental health issues. i know this. i cant keep up the act all my life tho. pls help. My parents are good parents but i hav a lot to live up to from my sister and so cant be myself. any ideas of what i should do?
  6. OK, so here's the story: I was home for the holiday season and was calling around to friends. I tried to contact one of my oldest frieds but she didn't return that calls. No problem with that, I didn't know if she was in town or not so I just left a couple of messages and figured she would gt back to me. She finally did e-mail me back telling me that she'd been dignosed with bi-polar disorder. She has dropped out of school and spends the entire day in bed. I want to do something to help her, but I don't know what to do. I'm away at school, but there should be somthing that I can contribute. Does anyone have any any suggestions? Thanks
  7. Does anyone know if there is a correlation between IBS, Hyperactive thyroid, and Bipolar Disorder?
  8. I've seen the commercials on TV about Paxil and the chemical imbalance someone can have in there brain that causes social anxiety but couldn't shyness also be a part of your personality? I can be so shy at times in public, but when I'm around "comfortable" places or people I know or if I'm in a positive mood I tend to be more outgoing. Plus when I'm on the phone talking to friends or people I've just met, I can be really open and not be shy at all, so I really wonder at times if shyness or being timid is just a part of my personality or if its really a psychological problem.
  9. Can you guys explain something to me... Why is it that when I'm dating someone and the girl goes hot and cold? One day or a few days, she's all warm and attentive to me and everythings' great. But the next day, she goes cold and it seems that she doesn't want to talk and wants to be alone and not with me at that time. This is confusing to me. I do understand that women have moods and they go up and down, depending on their circumstances. Logically, I cannot think of anything that *I* did or said that made them go cold... so it could be outside circumstances. But still, I feel left out and I start to fear and dread a scenario: she lost interest in me, or got bored with me, and doesn't want to see me anymore like she did before. What should I do? This girl I've been seeing the past month and a half, and we see each other a couple times a week except for thanksgiving break. I was hoping to find a girl who is more emotionally CONSISTENT because I don't like the whole hot and cold thing, because it is hard for me to handle. This girl I'm seeing isn't bipolar or anything, but even the slightest hot-cold swing is enough to make me wonder and dread the worst case. Any thoughts?
  10. Man ive been taking these new zyprexa pills for people who are bi polar are great!Ive been happy for like the last 4 weeks pretty often and they seem to have been working.Unless this a manic stage of being bi-polar i feel great right now and im so happy and cant stop thinking about only good things.What medications are u guys taking anybody else that is bi-polar.How do u guys cope with it?And how much do u guys love ur new found happiness? Im currently enjoying it
  11. Hi, my name is Lucy and I am having extreme psychological issues after I found out my boyfriend looked at porn. I seem to not be thinking straight and seem to have an identity problem. I think i might be going crazy. Everything I feel is depression, sadness, and confusion. By identity problems meaning I think insane thoughts of being not me, but truly somebody unnattractive. Am I going crazy?
  12. Me and my girlfriend of one year used to have an awesome sex life. But about 4 monthes ago she lost her sex drive. There were few moments here and there during the last 4 monthes where shed be in the mood but it only lasted for a day. The thing is, she says it has nothing to do with me and shes still attracted to me. I still treat her just as good as i always have. One reason I though might be causing this is that shes bi-polar, and shes going through a depresion cycle right now, so maybe thats doing it. But it's been 4 monthes with no sex drive. I didn't think it was humanly possible to go that long with no desire for sex. She also said that this never happened to her before, and also that this is the longest relationship shes ever been in. She says that she doesnt find anybody sexually attractive, so it's not just me. What can we do?
  13. hello all. i have been tortured with mental health problems for about 10 years now, and i dont think that things will get better. I've managed to stay alive so far, and will likely do so for a few more years yet. Thing is i dont really see a future other than living off state benefits. I have not had a girlfriend in years, i dont have any mates i dont have any money, i dont have a future. all i have is alcohol which i really truly hate. i only drink a few times a week nowadays and dont drink much either, but i know my future will evolve suffering, alcoholism and a premature death, whether by suicide or liver failure. I do see a shrink, though she is useless and i dont have a rapport with her. I also see a community psychiatric nurse as well. for example no matter how much i beg for help, they never precribe anti-depressants, or sleeping tablets or effective anti-anxiety medication As i suffer from debilitating anxiety i rarely go out, but when i do, I turn green , puke everywhere and faint when i do. I have been told that cognitive behavioural therapy would help, but because i suffer from psychosis i have been told that i am not eligible for CBT. I also have to feed my mum becuase she is so heavily in debt. consequently im always broke and have a little money to spend on myself. i just dont get it. i really dont see why i keep going, especially when i know what my future holds. life really is a stupid thing. cheers
  14. I'm fascinated by psychology, but I don't know a lot about it. WARNING: A lot of the stuff that I say, although researched maybe flat out wrong, but I'm just looking for input really. At the risk of all of us explaining our breakups via psychological problems I ask the following question: IF your ex is having a hard time coming back to you do you think there is any psychological issues that are keeping them from coming back? If so, what are the symptoms? Even better question: Do you feel you suffer from any of these conditions yourself? If so, what do you think the symptoms are? I imagine that many many people here and our ex's suffer from some mild psychological issue. Possible conditions: Fear of Rejection Fear of Abandonment Fear of Commitment Fear of loss Dependency Codependency Depression Loneliness Trust Issues Shyness Overemphasized Male Autonomy etc... Questions to ask: Childhood: How was their relationship with their mother/father? Was there a divorce? Has a parent died? Did they ever have an example of a loving relationship when they were growing up? Are the first born? middle child? last born? Previous relationships: How were their previous relationships? long? short? Did they have many relationships? Were they rejected repeatedly or did they do repeated rejection? Current life situation: Are they accomplishing goals? Do they refuse help?Do they spend a lot of time alone? Are they a social butterfly or very shy? The questions are endless! Please post 1) Conditions 2) Symptoms 3) Questions to ask yourself
  15. Hi well ive known this girl for almost over a year now...we have had our fights..liturally we got in a slap box fight . But for some reason we always ended up makeing up and it just seems to bring the relationship closer..but there is always those days that she skips her pill or highers her amont of pills or something n she turns into a total mean chick! like roooor!hiss Scratch lol..but yea she went out with my bro n they broke up n it all got real messy..like she lied and said she got an std from my bro and then it ended up being something less like it was an infesction but not serious one.. we took my bro to the docs..And so my bro doesnt allow her over my house unless hes not there..he hates her n she still always wonders about him... neways just recently she started being over barring like she acts like im her girlfriend or boyfriend or something..she told me that she doesnt want to be hurt so she wants to end our friendship because i smoked at my girls house..but i mean i am tryin to quit..ppl get tempted ya know? Neways her fam is like my 2nd fam they are so supportive and always have me over for dinner i always was over there n it felt weird being there when my bestfriend could only be at my house when no one was there ya know?? it kind of put a dent on our relationship..but yea neways can neone gimie sugestions..shoul di try fixing this or go on with this n get a new bestfriend
  16. There is this lady who I fell in love with but the problem she is bipolar...read up on it and she has it bad. Her personality can change on the second and there is nothing I can do. She can go from caring for me to bitch in 2.5 seconds. Is there any medication...yes but her body cannot take it because she was belimic(SP?)and its hard on her fragile system. The doctors pretty much given up on her, and they are soooo incompetent around here its almost dangerous everyone around here knows that. I don't know what to do....I can't get her off my mind. She just has to smile and my heart leaps When she is normal (RARE) there is nowewhere in the world I would rather be than in her arms. She broke up with me but I am still there for her because she needs me. She destroys her apartment in fits of rage almost every few days...I wish I could find her help but I can't afford to
  17. Every time I turn a corner, there you are in my mind again. Forward progress is so slow I wonder if I'll be dead before indifferent. I'm not in agony, thank god (and ena), but I'm not ecstatic either. I'm contemplating archaic forms of mental health treatments. When I am ancient and departing this world I'll remember you. I'm not sure what I will be feeling, but you'll be there with me. Like a wayward magician's helper I unleashed a powerful spell. And now I've no way to make my love for you disappear.
  18. I'm a teenager and I'm living with my mom. We live in a big house, you know, on the outside everything looks nice about our family, and that we've got no problems and all that. But, in reality, it's a mess. My mom's been mentally ill for almost 10 years (Bi-polar disorder, Chronic depression, OCD, and severe insomnia) and she can't really do anything but get angry at my brother (13) and I no matter what we do anymore (why will be explained). We're not allowed to see our dad because he beat me a lot, and my aunt and uncle are trying to tell my mom that she's an unfit parent. Everyone in my family is giving my mom a lot of pressure to turn my brother and I in to one of them to live with, and a lot of them have threatened to file with social services/Children's Aide that she's an unfit parent, when my brother and I know full well that she's a fully capable mother, despite her mental incapacitations. She's been going through a lot of work and she's gotten a lot better. The thing that I'm concerned with, is that since they've all been pressuring her to give up Wyatt and I, she's been regressing and her mental problems are getting worse, and I'm so overwhelmed at what the rest of my family is doing that I don't know what I can do to help. Any thoughts?
  19. Hi all I was interested if any of you wise folk had any ideas about what I can do... I am currrently working in a job that is driving me mad. I work in policy and regulation in a highly regulated industry. It's my job to find ways through major policy issues that have been deigned "too hard" to resolve to date, and that governments have tended to manage through heavy-handed regulation. The issues I am involved with tap directly into my past life working in the same industry FOR government setting up the market and writing regulation, as well as this being the topic of my PhD. I also spent time in consulting doing this stuff. I have been working for this major corporate for 20 months or so, and I believe I have been able to find ways through the issues and to actually meet government's needs without the regulation we are accustomed to. Anyway, the problem for me has been that in reality no one wants these problems solved in my company or in my industry. They hired me to fix things, but when I come up with some solutions they don't want to know about it. This is an industry that comforts itself with hiring endless consultants to do desktop research, and then brandish that report as somehow being "progress" on the issues. So after 20 months of trying every form of communication known to man, I am at my wits end. If no one wants these problems solved, that's fine. But don't ask me to solve them. I have been patronised no end by clueless senior managers and I have had to grin and bear it. What makes this a particular struggle is that my area has been subject to pre-restructuring for a while, so we have little work to do. It's like an endless lockdown period - it's been a year now and the rest of the business sneers at us. I, and others, were Chicken Little to my bosses for a long time, but they were too dumb and too arrogant to listen. So now we wait for the blade to slide in to end our misery. It might well be a while yet though, there are other issues for the company at the moment. The sensible thing for my mental health would be to pick up tools and move, but I am trying to get pregnant, and moving from my job right now would not be smart. I am paid very well, and I might also get a redundancy payout. So to get to my question: I have decided that griping about my job and hanging out here at ENA as much as I have are unconstructive and have been helping me toward feeling quite depressed. I think I would like to work more on my basic strategic thinking skills and I am keen to find some way to continue the work I was doing with the PhD about the links between law, economics, politics and psychology. A kind of generalist theory of action and regulation, but linked back to more economic theories of self-interest. I have just read Freakonomics, and it had some similarities to my approach but mine is markedly less empirical and more specialised toward one area (regulation). I think this might possibly be the most boring post on ENA, sorry. I am keen for any advice those of you might have to get through my work day without punching someone, as well as any suggestions or references for me to have a look at to find a way to do something with my brain along the lines of what I described above. Strategic thinking, but more about human motivations than about leadership and management techniques. I also think it would be good for what I do to be kind of unregimented, so that there aren't too many contact hours to worry about, and it can be something I can work on while alone at home in the future, assuming I have a baby. Thanks for taking the time.
  20. Well, I been feeling kinda crappy (for lack of a better word) the last few months, physically, emotionally and mentally drained and I’ve been trying to find reasons for this. One thing that I’ve been doing a lot of recently, that I didn’t do before, is visiting the enotalone site. I go here a lot, not just to post but also to look around. It was getting a little obsessive I think, and I’m wondering if it is having an adverse effect on my mental health – that is reading about all these problems and agony all the time. I know once in a while one reads a happy posting but let’s face it, most of them are pretty angst ridden. I think all this was getting me down. thereforeeee, I think I will give this a break for a month or so. Just to see if that makes any difference. I know I was using it as a procrastination tool as well so that’s not good. So I’m going to take a break. So thank you and good bye (for now) 1.) Thank you and good bye to the wonderful moderators of this site, I think we underestimate how much work it is and what a gift of time and effort they make. Including the one (who’s name I’ve forgotten – sorry) who kindly deleted a quoted comment of mine that was written in haste and was an embarrassing rant. 2.) Thank you and good bye to those who have responded to me or commented on my comments. I appreciate the gestures, it’s nice to be noticed! We had some great debates and information and experience sharing. 3.) Thank you and good bye to the couple of guys in my age group who I have formed a kind of camaraderie with. I wish we could all get together for beers and nickel ante poker on my back porch. 4.) Thank you and good bye to those who PM’d me out of the blue – nice surprise and also to those who gave me “reputation” points. Nice! 5.) Thank you and good bye to that one poster who was usually totally annoying and irritating but once said something that was so funny that I almost peed my pants after I read it and still giggle helplessly when I think of it. 6.) Thank you and good bye to the female poster who I had developed a secret mini crush on. You’re just a sweetheart and I know you will find love, not with me I’m sure but with someone. I wish you the best. 7.) Thank you and good bye to those posters with the extreme views – it taught me that the world is a big place and with many different ideas – all valuable. It taught me tolerance. 8.) Thank you and good bye to those who were brave enough to post questions about some weird sex/emotional/mental problem or whatnot. It makes the rest of us who have various and sundry problems seem as not quite so alone. 9.) Thank you and good bye to whoever came up with the idea of “NC”, one of the most effective and strongest healing concepts out there. 10.) Thank you and good bye to the Canadian posters who mentioned their nationality and made me proud to be one. No offense Yanks, Aussies, Kiwis, Brits (and “other” but Canada rules! I’m sure each feels the same about their country – meet you at 2010 Olympics in Vancouver!
  21. First, do me a favor by listening to this: link removed Take a little time to look around you. Every morning you climb out of bed as you hear the alarm clock. You fix yourself a cup of coffee and get ready for the day ahead. Then you go to work at your job or learn something practical in school. You pay for things with money, which you have to get by working for other people - people that are 'superior' to you. You are constantly told what you can and cannot do. You're expected to follow these rules no matter what you think of them. It's not your choice. Sure, you can lobby for a certain law to be passed and then all of a sudden it's 'ok'. For the most part, every day is the same. None of this bothers you because you're an established individual in society. If not, well, there's always a future. You can always hope and work for that nice house, hope that you'll meet that special someone that you can 'keep for yourself'. You'll find a 'meaningful' job that serves society in some special way, something that just keeps the gears rolling as always. You see the things that people are doing to the world, to each other, but think "eh, there's nothing I can do except continue my meaningful work" And people in general are thinking, "well, society has gotten this far, our scientists should be able to figure out something that'll enable people to live really healthy, forever. They'll get rid of all this pollution, violence, and poverty... somehow. We can place our faith in our politician's hands to make everything better... eventually." Everything has to be practical, huh? Everything needs to look good in front of conscious logic. You're just one person in the world, what would ever be the reason to change your way of life, or do something 'unreasonable' or 'drastic' just because you feel like it? You're fine as you are, right? I mean you've got everything you need to breath and you wouldn't want to risk any of that. You're content to live a life of peace and focusing on your immediate surroundings. Until your spouse dies in a car accident. Or your house goes up in flames. How about all of a sudden you had a close encounter with death. You almost died, and now you start to see things you never saw before. For a short but peculiar time, nothing matters at all except what you feel. All of a sudden you wake up to how short life is, and you wonder, why was I living a life that didn't even feel real? Why am I living like this? Why do I even feel so apalled by it? It made sense, didn't it? This is when you begin to experience symptoms of depression. You can't see any reason for doing anything. You feel empty. You're restless and can't fall asleep at night. You think about too much. You're starting to realize things that are absolutely horrifying. Something really doesn't feel right. You decide to go to a psychologist to tell him what you're experiencing. He explains to you that it's a mental disorder, simply a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be solved with drugs and regular counseling. The same would go for anyone who was 'seeing things', 'hearing voices', or experiencing anything else that wouldn't be considered 'normal' by the majority of society. Eventually, you'll get back to living your life just the way you were living it before --- living without action from feeling Literally everything that we do is dictated by reason, dictated by science. What if I asked you to just forget about all that for a moment and listen to what your emotions are saying to you? What do they make you want to do? Maybe something drastic. Maybe something that seems pointless or irrational in the face of logic. But why should logic be more important than the spirit? We (Americans) live in a country where suicide is a considerable cause of death in any age group. Depression affects people by the millions and the numbers are only growing all the time. When I looked up the definition for depression in the dictionary, this is what I found: A psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep, and, sometimes, suicidal tendencies. Well, I came up with my own definition: An allergic reaction to society or an unfulfilling state of existence. Society isn't really changing (at least for the better), whatever people might think. By 'treating' people for things that we label mental illness while continuing as we always were is covering up a huge and horrifying reality. And for some reason people just don't want to give it up, they're so insanely obsessed or engulfed in this lofty dream that American (and other) society has come to embrace. Did you ever notice how in indigenous cultures there seems to be no depression or mental illness floating about? These people are living so much closer to themselves and nature it's not even funny. All these systems and orders, all these things that people put in place to make them feel as though they have a sense of control... it's doing nothing but making us mechanical drones. (with pangs of emotion towards suicide every once in a while for those who are more allergic to this type of thing.) Now, I think most of the people here (including myself probably) would go through this and still not seriously consider traveling off the beaten path or challenging the rules our government has laid down for us. But I have made an oath to myself that I will try my hardest to live true to myself, no matter how many rules that means I'll need to break. And I'll respect myself for that, even if that means ending up in an insane asylum. Because I'll have lived a way that 99.99 % of the world is too frightened to. So, are you a pig in a cage on antibiotics?
  22. I have noticed that I always do this. I will be dating someone casually, not too much spark and then always around 3 months or so things will start to get serious and everything will be perfect (like exactly what I want out of a relationship) and then I will get very depressed and do things to sabotage it. It's like I know things will finally be good so I do something to make them bad. I have no idea why I do this and I am starting to wonder if I have some kind of mental problem. Like in my last relationship we were seeing eachother casually because I am in school and then as soon as school let out for the summer everything would have been perfect. But I messed it up 2 weeks after school ended. So now I have been completely alone for the summer when I could have been with someone. Anyone know why I do this to myself?
  23. Long story short...I actually posted the whole deal on here months back, so I'll try to keep it short. I just feel like total crap after this experience today... I was engaged to this girl who was bipolar. The relationship fell apart because she wasn't consistent about taking her medication and seeing her therapist. She was mostly very angry, always yelling about something, and frequently physically violent. Her family was not accepting of her diagnosis...god knows why...her mother is bipolar also. You would think they would understand with it in the family. They always pushed it off on me, and said she had emotional problems because I wasn't treating her well. Whenever she was experiencing mood swings, which was frequently, she would call up her mother, sister, whoever and make up that I was the one yelling, etc. I tried so hard so many times to get them to understand. My ex even tried to get them to understand it was her when she was doing ok. However, I think her family was in denial. I know it was very tough for them to see her like that, and I think it was just easier for them to blame it on someone else. My ex was in major denial also. She would say she didn't need her medication because she had no problems and I was causing everything. Although she would smooth things over with her family through explaining sometimes, she would usually mess it all up by acting out in the future and blaming it all on me. Anyway, my ex mother inlaw still contacts me from time to time. She will email, call, whatever, and I try to be cool about it. I reply to her emails and sometimes I will pickup the phone calls. She doesn't have many friends and doesn't get along with people too well because she's bipolar. Just like my ex, she gets very angry very easily. I become close to her when I was with my ex, and that kinda stuck even though I had to break it off. She understood that me and my ex were having too many problems because of her not taking care of herself. Her sister was always so nasty to me. Anytime I was around, she would take shots at me. She would always put me down, make nasty comments, speak badly about me to the family, etc. I ALWAYS tried to be nice to her though. I was engaged to her sister, so I thought family is family and you gotta put up with it. I suspect that maybe she was bipolar too, because she was also always yelling about something... Anyway, the ex mother in law sent an email out today to most of the family, myself, and nasty sister included. I wrote back and said hey, how are you doing, and didn't realize I clicked reply to all, so the sister got my response. She wrote back to me and basically said she didn't get why I was talking to anyone in their family and what REALLY hurt me, "I hope you're not bothering my sister anymore..." Sometimes, my ex calls me when she's down and I try to talk her through it. It usually goes nowhere though, because she always winds up getting mad about something and hanging up. She's rapid cycling, so this sad to mad stuff is typical given this diagnosis. Anyway, it really hurt me when the sister said that. As usual, she's blaming me again for my ex's problems, and we've been split up for several months now and I'm seeing someone else! I'm there for her whenever she calls me, even though it's really awkward. I just try to remember she has mental problems, so I try to tough it out if she gets something out of talking to me. I try so hard to not take her stupid sister's comments personally, but it's so hard sometimes since this idea that I'm horrible has been beaten into my head for 4 years... That was longer than I expected. I just feel terrible. Thanks for listening though.
  24. i met my boyfriend online 2 years ago in a chat room. i am from tennessee and he is from ct. things were so good for the fist couple of months. we would stay up all night talking on the phone sharing everything we wanted to do in our lives. we talked about us, what it will be like when we finally get together... everything. the first night that we talked he told me he was bipolar. i didnt know what that was, i knew it was a depressive illness but i didnt think anything of it. time went on we kept talking laughing falling deeper and deeper in love. i had never loved someone as much as i did him and i would do anything for him and i told him that. time went on he started asking for money, we started fighting because i couldnt send him money because i didnt have any to send. i got a job and was sending him my paycheck every two weeks. i didnt think anything of it i loved him and i felt like i was helping him. he started to get bad into drinking and drugs. he stopped taking his medication for his bipolar. things started to snowball from there, he would break up with me then want me back an hour later, he started calling me names making fun of me but a couple days later everything was fine again we would tell me how much he loved me and wanted me. he got busted with drugs and had to go to rehab. things still didnt changed just got more worse we started falling apart. to make this long painfull story shorter...... for about the past 6months things have went downhill fast. we dont talk and when we do he seems like he would rather be anywhere else in this world except talking to me. he starting treating me like * * * * and hanging up on me for no reason and all this. I met someone else, while still with him even though the relationship is over i just havent had a chance to tell him because he never picks up the phone for me anymore, anyway i called him the other day and he screams at me for leaving him a * * * * *y voicemail because he purposelly hung up on me for no reason while i was trying to talk to him then he goes"as a matter of fact.... bye" and hangs up i left it at that im not calling back its over this person im with now is already telling me how much he is falling for me and loves me and when he tells me all i can say is " i know" because i cant say it because i love jon i will always love him hes even though things were bad but i feel so bad because i cant say i love you to this other person. jon has my heart, its shattered but he has it and i cant let go. im always thinking what went wrong why didnt he hang on why this why that . how do i let go and give myself to this person who i care so much about and really want. hes being patient about it but i know patience only goes so far. i feel like maybe i moved on too fast maybe i need time to get over him . i think about all the things jon told me about how much he loved me and wanted me . i held on for so long because i knew it was his illness making him act that way but i cant anymore so i let go, but i havent really let go i dont know how. long distance relationships are hard, but when the person has bipolar it makes it much harder. i am a strong person, and im stronger now but i wish this pain would go away i wish i would erase everything with him im just broken and confused right now. so if there is anyone that sat through my long boring confusing story please help me i need it all my friends can say is good youve made my day by breaking it off with that * * * * * * *. so someone please give me some advice.
  25. Like the thread posted "background checks... depression" I am in teh same boat. i am 19 years of age. i will be 20 on teh 30th of april. i am a responsible caring good moral person, but due to a lack of family support and high stress levels for my age, i have problems (who doesnt? lol) i mean. i dont want to bore you with my pathetic sob story ofa biography so ill cut tot he chase. I basically grew up with a mother controlled by prescription pain meds she is disabled adn i dont see her living past 60. she has no ahdns or feet i am the oldest child. me and my 4 yr younger brother both dont have a dad. My fatehr is a rapist so all i knwo about him is he had schitzophrenia was kicked out of navy for section 8 adn and alcoholic. I have been through 14 + hospitalizations for depressiona dn suicide attempts starting at age 10. i live in poverty in MAine adn have been basicallya slave for my mother and thus, i am a scape goat for everyones problems as in.. Im always at fault. (most of the hospitalizations seemed like just a way for her to rid of me since she would never visit and didnt call often adn when she did call seems very apathetic) anyways... im 19 now. i got arrested in march because i was drunk at a concert and the police adn cocnert security were treating em liek a child adn i have always been treated like that so i was furious adn i got a disorderly conduct charge. I also have possession of liquor by a minor (civil cahrge) adn a criminal speeding cahrge at 18. I am looking towards a career in law enforecement and or as a psychologist. PLEASE NOTE I AM MENTALLY HEALTHY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional.Defiancy.Disorder, BI POLAR, possibly PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Since 2001, i havent been depressed until i hooked up with teh fiacne i am engaged tpo now who amkes me suicidal sometimes with his selfishness and apathy. I never really ahd anyone care for me so thus i trust no one and when i do adn they hurt me, it hurts me bad. God is the only reason why oi never have suceeded. my goal in life is to help all those in peril adn agony of hell on earth since i feel for you cuz no one else cares. MY QUESTION IS... WHEN I WAS ON SSI AS A CHILD (UNDER 18) ADN IF I GET ON IT NOW, WILL IT AFFECT ME INA BACKGROUND CHECK IN TEH FUTURE? will my charges disqualify me? I been ahving a rough time lately majorly in part because i ahev no home no job my mom is kicking em out, im getting A's in college though, adn no one cares about me no one helps me they only walk over me and use em then trahs me. its sad yes... but tahst why i oppose the police so much because they treat me like * * * *. i know the local police adn they ahev abused me sexually, mentally physically all my life since 10 yrs old) I have been raped bya cousin, bya abbysitter , molested countless times, attempted to be seduced by older men when i was a teen, i ahve had a horrible life. i want to have a positive future. but if i ever fully doubt god, i will kill myself no questions asked. I figure hell on earth is bad enough adn id rather not have eternity of hell when im gone too. Will I be discriminated because I have a Scum for family adn that my adolescence forced me to act adn become what i was? i am a good person now. I am a exteremely ahrd workwer and everything I wanted adn strived for so far has been accomplished. i have good morals, i am versitile, talented, intelligent, i dont guive up, im abitious, persistent, stubborn, and i can be manipulative (in good ways too.) (my iq is 125 last tested in 9th grade) when i was in 6th grade i had college level reading (my poor english skills here are due to severe fast typing and it doesnt matter to me for this purpose) WILL I BE DISCRIMINATED FOPR MY MENTAL HEALTH RECORD AS A CHILD? I NEVER HAD ANY DIAGNOSESES AS AN ADULT i AM BEING TREATED ONLY FOR ADHD AT THE MOMENT SO IT WILL EHLP ME PAY ATTENTION IN COLLEGE... WILL I BE DOOMED FOR A CAREER ASA POLICE OFFICER, CORRECTIONS OFFICERM,, DETECTIVE? i WANT TO PUNISH THE SCUM OF THE EARTH. WILL I BE SCREWED FOR ANY GOV'T JOB? WILL I NEVER BE A PSYCHIATRIST? PLEASE HELP......
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