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BeStrongBeHappy

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Everything posted by BeStrongBeHappy

  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    marriage and life are a long road, so by marrying someone whom you only have lukewarm feelings for, there are really good odds that SERIOUS, mind numbing boredom will settle in, and you will set yourself up for an affair when you do meet someone you find very exciting during a low point in the boredom. so no, not fair to you, not fair to the other person either, and really good odds of ending in disaster. and i think at 45, most people would have enough wisdom to recognize this, or else would already be looking for their next relationship or already remarried to someone they like better, because that mediocre first marriage has broken up by then. frankly, being alone is better than being trapped in a boring marriage where there is no hope... an empty marriage becomes like a brain dead person on life support, no hope, no future, no point. really depressing, and no way to live life.
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think finding perfection takes a lot of work, and nothing ever stays the same, so perfection as an ideal is a bit too hard to find and maintain... so i think you need to find someone you get along with really well, and trust, and there has to be quite a bit of emotional and physical spice and sparks in the relationship so deep boredom doesn't kick in and doom the relationship. so i wouldn't aim for perfection, just low level bliss! i think some people can't stand the thought of being alone, or hear their biological clock ticking or whatever, and grab whomever they are with and get married to them like playing a game of musical chairs. and the opposite is people who are so exacting, that NOBODY is good enough. a lot has to do with personality too, and how independent you are. if being alone terrifies you, then you will most likely lower the bar in whom you choose for a partner to avoid any loneliness. and if you are very independent and self sufficient, much more willing to wait it out until someone you really feel sparks with comes along, and nothing is better than something mediocre. so think some of it is luck (right person, right place, right time), and some of it is personal choice.
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    ask your boyfriend if his mother collects anything, and get her something... maybe she likes some kinds of knick knacks, little crystal animals, things like that. it's really hard to guess someone's taste when you don't know them that well, so best to ask before buying something. homebaked goodies are always nice, because everyone can enjoy them. you could also ask him what she really likes... cheesecake, chocolate chip cookies, etc.? how about a watch for your boyfriend? i think they wear their own watches in the military... or a nice keychain or wallet. or you could get yourself some nice lingerie, and wear it for him... i think he *might* have room to slip some silk panties as a nice remembrance of you into his duffle bag...
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    someone told me something that was really helpful about getting 'unstuck' when you are paralyzed and afraid to make a change, but unhappy at the same time... it was 'If you keep doing what you've been doing, you're going to keep getting what you've been getting...' so if you DON'T take some chances, then everything will stay the same (where you are both unhappy), or else just get worse. reading these posts makes me think that the two of you just aren't communicating very well, or not addressing the underlying problems, and the lightning rod becomes the one issue of togetherness vs. freedom. it sounds like he basically wants to be free to do anything he wants, anytime he wants, and you just have to like it or else. and your response to this is to cling tighter and tighter because he is keeping himself independent from the relationship (i.e., his own desires are more important than building the relationship to him), so you are stuck in a vicious spiral. i think at this point you have to start taking care of yourself and finding other support systems than him, because he isn't being too supportive, he is mostly off doing his own thing, with buddies, his parents, etc. when he does see you, he doesn't seem to want to do anything to please you, but to dominate the relationship to get what he wants from it at any given moment, and you are just along for the ride. so i think clinging more tightly will just make him push away harder, and i am not even sure if this relationship is healthy for you at all. you need to be able to negotiate with a partner to get both your needs met, or else somebody is always unhappy, or both of you are. i think you have to try to get some emotional distance from this, and back off and do things for yourself. you are so focused on him right now in a panic, that isn't good for you or him. you need a little cooling off period to get perspective, then i would think about what you really want from him, and try to negotiate some of that for yourself, and if he won't ever try to meet some of your needs, then you may not be compatible. if you keep clinging at this point, he will only use that as a bigger excuse to push you away, and blame you for his own neglect. no relationship can survive and be healthy when one person won't compromise and the other person smothers out of fear.
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    it sounds like any of those reasons could be applied to men or women, so an artificial distinction between the reasons of men vs. women cheating... and yeah, cheating is always smarmy, whatever the excuse they give for doing it. these all sound like *excuses* for cheating, but there is really no excuse, just break up first before you break someone's heart even worse by cheating.
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    that's a painful thing for you to read, but i hope you didn't get that by spying on her or breaking into her email after the breakup... that would be obsessive and maybe what they were worrying about. having said that, regardless of anything else, it is clear from these letters that she didn't have the emotions for you that are needed to commit to a serious relationship with you. who knows, maybe she just needs to date different guys right now, and this guy could start off big and still not be right for her either. but it sounds like she made her choice to move on, so you will have to as well. and it sounds like she is not really right for you either... you need to be with someone who thinks you are great, and who doesn't cheat on you. both she and her stepmother glossed over the fact that she was cheating on you with this guy, and you have a reason to be upset about that, but people tend to be blind to their own faults and rationalize their own bad behaviors. so don't waste any more time thinking about this, just get on with your healing and look for someone that is more compatible with you.
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think some depression is normal in every breakup, so you have to kind of work through that and expect it... it always helps to get some closure, and if you haven't really talked to him and told him you are breaking up with him, you might want to do that so that you can both can resolve some feelings and move on more easily. if he refuses to talk about it, even long enough to let you break up with him, then that's just your cue to just move on, because he is someone who will not work with you to resolve problems, and every relationship has some problems that need to be talked about... so he would never make a good permanent partner if he is inconsiderate and won't even talk to you about it. spend time keeping busy and talkign to your friends, and you might get over this quicker than you think. it sounds like you've already realized it is time to move on, and it is a bit easier on the person who decides to go, since you are taking control of your own life and getting what is good for yourself. so you will feel happy again when you've had some time to heal... there's really no shortcut for grieving... you have to go thru it, can't jump over it.
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    depends on how much you told him... i.e., if you just mentioned the feud and he said that straight away, then he knows something, but if you told him enough for him to know the feud is nasty, then he may just be making a comment that he doesn't want to get involved based on what you just told him... anyway, 'he said, she said' battles are always no fun for anyone involved. maybe you should just try to de-escalate the feud, or stay away from the guy you're feuding with if it is so bad everybody's talking about it.
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think you need to say whatever you want to say to him about breaking up, hopefully not when angry... then you are really done and don't have to continue with him if you don't want to. i think ignoring your birthday after dating 2 years is really terrible... either he really takes you for granted and is lazy, or super inconsiderate, or trying to provoke you. he's also playing fast and loose with going incognito and ignoring you when HE feels like it, but he still expects you to pay attention to him when he wants you to... so immature and inconsiderate (and maybe some cheating thrown in there) sums it up. so to give both of you some closure, my advice would be to talk to him when both of you are calm and tell him why you're breaking up with him, then hear out what he has to say unless it degenerates in yelling or anger or pleading, then just leave. then go about your business.
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think some people still have a double standard when it comes to sleeping together early on... ok for guys, not for girls, but then that's not really fair. but i think it's usually best to wait a while first so that you can weed out guys just cruising for sex. sometimes men will put a big rush on a woman they have no real intention of dating seriously or for very long (maybe a steady girlfriend already?), but are just looking for sex. but sometimes it just happens, and if he really decides he likes you, he'll keep dating you, and if he doesn't, he won't. probably doesn't even have anything to do with when you had sex, unless he is either a dinosaur with a double standard, or never really wanted to date seriously anyway. but i'd do whatever feels best for you, and maybe even ask him about it directly. it's never to late to slow down, and get to know each other a little better first, then pick up where you left off.
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    actually, the advice they give to people who are being stalked is to tell the stalker once, very firmly, that you are sorry if she doesn't agree with you, but things did not work out between you, that you are not interested in dating her or continuing contact, and you will never consider dating her now or in the future. Then tell her if she contacts you again, you will call the police because she is harassing you. Then after you have made your point clear, you need to give her absolutely NO feedback or contact, because that just feeds the flame of her obsession. So every email you get, just store in a folder to give to police should it become necessary. And put her on your reject call list for your cellphone. If she shows up in person again, then do exactly what you said, do not even speak to her, just get away from her as quickly as possible and contact the police. They usually don't do anything other than go to her house and tell her that a complaint has been filed and she is to leave you alone, and if she continues to bother you, then she will be arrested. she may get the point then. and if she's done this before to other guys, she might already have a history of this with the police, and you may need to get a restraining order. But hopefully she will get the point when you are firm and refuse to acknowledge or continue contact with her. Usually people like this will eventually find someone else to focus on and then leave you alone. and if she continues in spite of a warning, she is deeply mentally ill, and you need to get the police to stop this, it will be obvious to them that she has problems and the judge most likely will order her into treatment, which she obviously needs. so you need to take this seriously and take immediate steps to stop this and not fan the flames of her inappropriate attachment. being nice to her will only make it worse.
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    I really think he is being quite clear about what he wants, and he has moved on and doesn't want another go at a relationship with you. I'm very sorry about that, but you probably have no choice but to move on. Spend your time and thoughts healing and doing things that are fun for you, and look to a future with someone local who is able and willing to be with you.
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    Happy thanksgiving! Holidays are hard when one has recently broken up, especially from a long term relationship, so try to be kind to yourself and not judge yourself too harshly, just get right back on the NC wagon! Do you have TV that you could watch? i've always found that watching movies on TV (especially comedies that cheer you up) helps take the mind off things. And do you have any good mystery books or novels to read? they usually really get you involved and take the mind off things. good luck, and it will get easier! Also, thank goodness for surfing! start researching something that interests you, or plan a future vacation by checking out potential locations, always a good thing to look at pictures of the beach in the middle of a blizzard!
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    she sounds very cruel and mentally unstable, so i think you are making a wise choice to stay away from her. please talk to a lawyer about your house deed. if you don't do something about that, she could get a new boyfriend, and be influenced to take you to court to try to force a sale so she could take half of the profit from sale your house. Or if she is vindictive, she could try to stop you from selling it when you want to, because you can't sell with her name on the deed unless you get a signature or a court order returning it to your sole possession. also, since her name is on the deed, in theory she can demand access to the house because she is half owner. i really hope she doesn't know this, and don't tell her either! the longer you wait without doing anything about the deed, the more you could lose. it is hard to think about that when you are hurting, but she sounds like she's the type that might enjoy sticking it to you, since she enjoyed trying to make you jealous etc. it is also a very mean and selfish person who would would just move out one day without even talking to you about it first, so she really could be capable of all kinds of bad behavior over the house. at least talk to an attorney to get advice about what you can do, and how soon you should do it. she is the kind of person you need to get completely out of your life as quickly as possible, she is nothing but pain and bad news from the sound of it.
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    i have to give her credit for going on a break BEFORE she took up a flirtation with someone. lots of people would have just investigated that while you were still together, and really been dishonest. but if you genuinely feel she ditched you so she could pursue someone, which didn't work out so she came back, then getting back together might not be a good idea. some people can't stand to be alone, so they will do the yo-yo thing back and forth between partners, not because a particular relationship is good (or the best), but because they always want someone on tap. but in this case, especially since she was 'on break' a very short time, you could say she came to her senses and realized you really were the one for her. there are never any guarantees what she will do in the future, but is she worth giving it another try? if you really feel that way, then i'd say stay with her, but if she tries the 'break' thing again, then i'd say she is jerking you around so she can pursue passing fancies. so see how it goes, and break up with her if she starts expressing doubts again, or wants another break.
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    whoa, whoa, WHOA! put down the old ex-girlfriend and back away slowly! DON'T jump back in with another ex- right in the middle of breaking up with the more recent ex-... you are very confused right now and that is like digging up a rusty WWII grenade in your back yard and deciding it might be fun to play badmitten with it! either your feelings weren't as strong as you thought for the more recent ex (in which case it is GOOD you are breaking up with her), or you are just grabbing any woman who waves her fanny in your face because you are hurting and not thinking clearly. i think you need to give yourself time to heal, and hang with your buddies for a while, and don't repeat an OLD bad mistake because a NEW mistake is making you feel lonely. breaking up is miserable, but you may be signing yourself up for a double dose of misery by jumping back into something that is familiar, but wasn't right the first time, probably isn't right now. go have a beer with your buddies, and scope out some new women, but from AFAR until you get a chance to get some perspective and healing from the last breakup.
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    if she is taking days to respond to you now, and the trip is only a week away, i really would reconsider going. there is always a possibility that she might not even show up at the airport to get you if you don't hear back from her that she will this week. also, you appear to have forced her to see you with your persistence, and i don't really think that is going to make for a good trip. she may be moody or resentful, and you also might want to prepare yourself emotionally in case she doesn't show up, or in case she is not receptive and tells you she wants to break up and not see you again. i understand the desire to see her to try to get closure in a relationship, and long distance relationships are always very difficult at best because most of the communication is not face to face. so if you feel you really must go to give it one last try, you will go, but please try not to get your expectations too high, or you might be very disappointed, and have travelled a long way just to get rejected. if the reverse is true, then you might be pleasantly surprized if she changes her mind. but it really does sound like she has made up her mind to break up already based on what you have said here. good luck!
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    you sound exhausted! sometimes marriages go out with a fizzle rather than a bang, especially if you have been emotionally alienated for a long time before the divorce. so in some ways, this is very good! being calm when a divorce happens is much better for the children, less conflict. lots of people are still so emotional when they separate, they fight constantly, so you should consider yourself and your sons lucky from that standpoint... good luck with your frest start!
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    i followed your other threads and it really sounds to me like your ex-boyfriend is a control freak and is still messing with your emotions by keeping up the emailing etc. he also sounds verbally abusive, i.e., insisting on criticizing your every move when you don't behave the way he wants and do everything he wants like his puppet. for guys like this, the only approach is to just stop playing the game... so i am glad to hear you are blocking his emails. i think one of the reasons you are feeling so badly is that he is treating you badly. so the cure for that is to stop talking to him and exchanging any kind of information or dialogue with him. the thing about contact after a breakup is the you think you are getting what you need or feel compelled to do, but all you are really getting is the bad parts of that former relationship (fighting, criticism, pain), with absolute none of the good parts of that relationship (love, caring, companionship). it is very much like continuing to return to a dry well when you are thirsty, and each time reexperiencing the recognition that the well is dry and you are REALLY thirsty. so the only answer there is to stop doing something that is not only non-productive, but very painful to you, as well as finding new sources to fill your needs for love and companionship. you say you 'must' see him several times a week due to mutual interests, but i think for you own best interest, you might very actively avoid any situation that puts you two together. you don't HAVE to go to parties or clubs or dinners or activities where you know he will be. instead, spend time with one or two close friends, and ask them to go to other places with you, or stay home and study and work on yourself doing things to fill your time. so keep blocking his calls and email, and give yourself a chance to heal for a few months before you start going places where you know he might be. you have to think of it like a broken bone that is healing. if you break you leg, you don't try to go out ice skating every Friday just because that is what you did before. you let the bone heal, then you can return to normal activities for yourself. the same can be said about going where he is... it is just not good for you, you get too upset, so find some new activities to do until you feel stronger.
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, r u really broken up, or just playing at this?? really, i think you should communicate with him, and whatever he says, what is important 4 u? play it out, see what is going on, but if it is not giving u what u want, why continue??
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    oh, this is so sad, but so common! there are so many men who only want the kids if they are part of a situation where he lives in and has a relationship with the mother. so child support payments and visitations with his son should really not be connected. i think you should really make it clear to your son that child support payments are NOT required to allow access of his father to him... and if a father is so irresponsible that he would blow his own son off for the sake of saving money, then that is so hard, but you need to try to get your son in counseling so that he can understand that some fathers are so immature, that they cannot deal with children, no matter how much the children deserve a loving father.
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    oh, this really bothers me because if he isn't having mind blowing sex with his future wife, then he is probably settling for someone who isn't right for him, and it will be a matter of time before he starts thinkhing about affairs as the solution to boredom... i think anyone who loves their spouse can understand the sexual itch to pursue something other than the familiar... but it is not an excuse to engage in affairs if one is already bored with the spouse/future spouse before marriage. so a 'final fling' will never be enough for someone who chose a wife who bores them sexually... so it is really sad to hear this... a commitment to a spouse has to involve a lot of sexual spice or compromise in terms of trying to keep the sex interesting... a fling with someone else right before marriage won't solve this, if the guy is not satisifed with the sex his wife will provide after marriage and for years to come.
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    actually, i think it is GREAT that your boyfriend won't say it until he is sure about it... there are so many people who throw those words out when it is really just a manipulation or social convention to grease the wheels to get what they want... having said that, i think you have to be true to your own feelings.... if you really do feel a huge love for him, don't hold back and say what you feel... but also say that you don't expect him to declare his love for you until he feels that it is appropriate and he really means it... and your own love for him doesn't demand that he say the same when he isn't ready yet... the best thing about real love is that you are as concerned about the feelings of the one you love much or more than your own... so a meaningless 'i love you' is unsettling, but when it is truly meant, it is so welcome, so incredible... so no way should you ever expect or demand an 'i love you' unless it is sincere, and when it is, that is great for both of you! and if it is at different times, not really a problem, everyone should be able to find their own feelings, in their own time.
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    wow, that's a slap in the face, what he said about you not being the person he would choose to have sex with! i really think this could be a big problem. by that i mean, there are some men who want an angel at home, but a devil in bed. so he could indeed go ahed and marry you, have kids with you, etc. but then start having affairs with women that he DID think were more sexually attractive to him than you. there are some men who are quite content with that, splitting the home life vs. a hot sex life via affairs etc. so you need to ask yourself, are you willing to be with someone who basically says he doesn't find you very interesting sexually? you need to probe him further to find out the reason for this. if it is just that he wants you to learn to be more bold or experimental sexually, that may be fine, because you can do that, but if it is some fundamental problem with chemistry or how you look (that you can't change with clothes or a diet etc.), then this could end up being a huge heartbreak for you in the future. some people can separate sex and love and get them from different people... are you willing to let him do this in the future? i really think you deserve someone who thinks you are hot and sexy.. sexual chemistry can be very fickle, and not based on looks or activities or etc. i was in a boring marriage with a very attractive man, but no pizzazz at all between us, and it lead to the marriage's demise, and i found someone else where the sex was INCREDIBLE and fabulous, and it had nothign to do with looks or anything else. so don't shortchange yourself, and investigate why he would make such a negative, harmful statement about it. honestly, that would be enough for me to dump him and go find someone who did think i was incredible..
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think in this kind of situation you need to take her at her word... that is, she has a new boyfriend and has asked you not to contact her... when she heard you were injured, she like anyone else would feel terrible about this, and her presense then might reflect guilt or some other emotion. one can be very fond of former loves and want to show support in dire circumstances, but still understand that it is not working out due to circumstances, locations, etc. so when you are better, she goes back to whatever is going on with her at the time, away from you. she has made it clear that 'things have changed and moved on.' LDRs are very hard to keep going at best, and sometimes it really is better to find someone truly available to you in your own town. she is being very clear about having a new boyfriend and not wanting to see you, so questioning her motivation or illness or whatever isn't appropriate. you are not in a position to be with her all the time, or her mental watchdog, so you have to assume that she is serious about having a new boyfriend and moving on. if she breaks up with him and wants you back, i am sure she will let you know. so i think an appropriate response to her text is to say, 'good luck with your new boyfriend. i wish you the best.' then you need to move on, and go about finding a girl who is available to you, not someone committed to someone else in another town...
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