BeStrongBeHappy

btw, pregnancy takes a long time to show, usually a couple months so that wouldn't explain it at this point... but you really do need to use protection, just to be sure... sometimes periods can be irregular, and you don't want an unexpected surprize!

the cervix is quite closed naturally and the uterus very muscular, strong enough to push out a baby so no way could his penis push through and enter your cervix... HE would have been in so much pain it is just not possible. the vagina itself is very flexible and expands to accommodate a man's penis. you might have been stressed and afraid which leads to tightness, also pain from breaking your hymen the first time can be intense so that is probably why you were in pain... however, if the swelling doesn't go down and you have any form of discharge, you might have gotten a bladder infection. most likely though it is just gas from something you ate, food poisoning, or the stomach flu, and just a coincidence that it happened after sex... try taking some anti-gas medicine like Maalox and see if it goes down... if still in pain in a couple days, i'd see a doctor.

i really think that you should consider individual counseling to see what it is you really want to do. it is really not fair to keep your wife on the back burner as an option in case your future with the OW does not come to pass... is sounds like you might be suffering from long-term depression, irrespective of your situation with both women, and you might want to get that treated before you make any decisions. i think you should use this time to work on *you* and not ping-pong mentally between two women. it really sounds like you have already decided your marriage is not working, but are too depressed and afraid to make the decision to break away unless you are sure you the OW will leave her husband for you. your decision to stay or leave your wife should be independent of anyone else, but based on whether the relationship with your wife can go to the distance. but i think if you are this obsessed with the OW, your marriage with your wife will never work... you will always be mooning over the OW's loss, like you have for 30 years. so get some counseling to get you 'unstuck' from this situation. spending 3 months doing nothing will leave you as indecisive as before, and both women will be tired of waiting for your to make up your mind.

i would ask him more questions about how he has changed and why... ie., how did he discover his problem was depression, has he had counseling since you left, been to a doctor, taken medication, etc.? if he has made some genuine attempts to get help and work with a doctor or therapist to solve his problem, then it might be worth at least talking to him IF you think the relationship really would be worthwhile... but this could also just be lip service on his part, excuses for his behavior that he thinks you will buy and take him back, then it just goes back to business as usual, more fighting etc. it bothers me a bit that he is trying to buy himself back into your good graces with expensive showy flowers and paying your insurance etc. that's a bit manipulative, and a few flowers and a paid insurance bill won't undo the damage he did to you before... sometimes men who put on a big show like that are just engaging the cycles of abuse, i.e., big blow up, then extensive courting and promises to behave and never do it again, then tension building, then another blowup etc. so it's a cycle that repeats, and just because you are in the 'good' phase now with flowers and promises doesn't mean anything has changed. please educate yourself on the cycle of abuse (lots of info online and in books) to see if this is just another loop in the cycle, or whether he has really done something to change (professional counseling and treatment). words that he has changed are pretty meaningless unless you have proof he is doing something about it. and if he's not in counseling, then see how serious he is and say you would consider seeing him IF he attends counseling... if he say no, than don't believe he is serious about change, just move on.

there was no way of knowing she had kids until she told you, so don't beat yourself up about that... the caution i would have is that she is only 20 and has two kids, so getting pregnant is something she probably wants to do or it wouldn't have happened twice. some girls do this because they have psychological problems, and some do it becuase they think it will make a guy they are losing stick around, and some girls do it for financial reasons, to get child support, to to trap a man into being her meal ticket, or get a better lifestyle than supporting kids on their own etc. if you were both 30 and she had a couple kids, it would be a different story, maybe a marriage that just didn't work out, and you might be ready and willing to take on stepchildren if you loved their mother and the kids enough. but since you already have doubts, you also need to be very careful you are not stuck with an unexpected pregnancy because she wants another kid or to trap you, for whatever reason, i would say probably not a good idea to date her. and wearing condoms won't always protect you... sticking a pin through a condom before you use it is the oldest trick in the book for girls who really want a baby. so please be careful, this woman had two kids at a very young age, and doesn't seem too responsible or she wouldn't have them by that age to begin with.

Mike, i have a couple more suggestions for you... first, i don't think it makes sense for you to take on the loan or full responsibility for the house, but then she is the one who continues to live there... you should be eliminating any ties, not continuing them, since divorces can start out amicable and blow up and get quite nasty, you just never know. i am curious why is she insisting on staying in the house, and you have to move out when you have the dog? it makes more sense for you to stay in the house, especially if you have the larger income to support it and she can't. she is the one who initiated the divorce, and she should be the one to move to an apt. if she wants out right away. i would suggest that if you can afford the house on your salary if you refinance, and she can't on her salary, refinance it in your name, get her off the deed, and SHE moves to an apt. and you stay in the house since it is your debt now. when you refinance, the bank gets an appraisal, so you can give her her half of the profit (if there is any, or sign a note for it), but if there is a loss, you can get her to sign a note owing you, or take more cash in the divorce, or just forgive the difference she would owe you if you are going to hold a while and get a profit eventually... that way you are not throwing money away on rent, and your dog still has a home rather than an apt. that doesn't sound dog-friendly. the reason i say it is not good to let her rent back is there is always a possibility that she will get a boyfriend (or has one hidden from you now) and that as soon as you are out, he moves in... i have seen that happen, where the new boyfriend/girlfriend moves right in and encourages the spouse to take their former husband/wife to the cleaners and NOT settle amicably, but go for the most money possible.... if she has a lease, you can't really get him out until the lease expires and you get them both out. the other problem is that she could be in the house and just stop paying rent at all and continue to live there... evictions take a long time, usually 5 or 6 months, and she could be trashing the house while she's at it if she gets mad at you for some reason. you could write all kinds of stuff into the lease to try to protect yourself, but you would have to sue to recoup damages, and she can skip town, the state, declare bankruptcy etc., so it becomes nexto to impossible to recoup your damages, happens all the time. really renting back to her is NOT a good idea... either she takes full financial responsibility for the house and lives there, or you do and you live there. i would be very suspicious if she attempted to get you to take financial responsibility for the house, but she gets to keep it, even temporarily... if there were kids involved, that would make sense, but otherwise no. if she has less income and can't afford it, then she better get used to living on her own income, and not have you subsidize her in a nice house anymore. so whomever gets an asset in the divorce, should take immediate possession of the asset, and not leave the asset in the other parties hands after the divorce (or even during the separation before the divorce). so renting back to her really isn't a good idea for lots of reasons... she can rent anywhere, but it doesn't have to be on your nickel or in your house. regarding the stocks, in a divorce, you don't actually have to sell anything... the brokerage house can legally just split it into two accounts, one in your name and one in hers at time of the divorce. so if there are five shares of a particular stock, she will get 2.5 in her account, and you will get 2.5, in your own account. so you don't have to make any sales or take any losses etc., just transfer ownership. it's kind of like rolling over an IRA, except it is ownership being split due to divorce. once you have your divorce, you just submit the papers and the agreement to the brokerage, and they split everything for you, according to whatever the terms of the divorce agreement are, 50/50, or 60/40 or whatever. i'd call your brokerage to talk to them about it, but i'm pretty sure that's how it works. again, the goal is to immediately separate everything, so there is no haggling in the future. you may be very trustworthy, but who knows how she will behave once the divorce is signed (or even before), and the whole point of divorce is to cut all ties, profits, debt, AND responsibilities between the two of you. and it goes without saying that ALL of your decisions should be put in writing and notarized as part of a separation agreement submitted as part of a divorce. once you have agreed to how to split things, go to a lawyer and have them write up the separation agreement and the divorce papers...

let me lead with the comment that if you DON'T agree how to divide stuff between yourselves, you will most likely end up giving MOST of your bank account to lawyers. so regardless of your anger or wanting to try to get even emotionally by holding out for more stuff, it is not in your best interest. most divorces that end up in divorce court (which happens if you can't amicably negotiate a property settlement between the two of you), ranges from $25K on up to $100K+ or more depending on how bitter the divorce is and how much money you're willing to throw away on lawyers. remember that even a CHEAP lousy lawyer costs $250/hour, and you as a couple will have to hire 2 lawyers, one for each of you, so that is $500/hour you are paying fighting over a couch, times upmty-ump hours that lawyers rack up during divorces. lawyers in fact COUNT on the truism that people are stupid when divorcing and will fight for 3 days over a shrimp fork, and her lawyer will be calling your lawyer to offer to exchange one shrimp fork for 2 butter knives. that's how lawyers all end up with yachts and mercedes, and you end up with a shrimp fork and not a dime left in your bank account. so if you want to go the vindictive route, just go straight to shooting yourself in the foot. lots of people do, and when the dust settles, they are really upset when they end up broke, STILL divorced, and STILL not feeling any better about it. and reduced to eating beans out of a can with a shrimp fork or a butter knife. after you give all your money to lawyers, the judge is just going to do what you and your wife could do in one day... tally up all your assets, split them 50/50 based on *current* value, not purchase price... and it you go to court, it will be up to the judge to decide who gets what, so you totally lose control of EVERYTHING and are totally at the judge's mercy... so if your wife can convince the judge you're more a jerk than she is, she may end up with the dog after all... so PUHLEEEEASE, don't confuse anger and emotional issues with assets... dividing assets is easier than it looks if you take the desire to get even (or get better than even) out of the equation... for example, she wants all the furniture? fine give all of it to her and then you get the NEW Jeep and she takes the clunker... split the cash 50/50, and take your freedom and get an apt. and buy some nice leather couch and big screen TV with the money rather than using the money to make a payment on a lawyer's yacht... do you really care about that couch anyway? it will probably only remind you of her, and in a year, you'll be calling Good Will to have them come haul it off anyway. re: the house, is there any equity in it after a 18 months in a de-escalating market... re-financing now is a BAD idea because the market may fall even further, don't count on it rising in spring. instead, why not have her refinance it with your name OFF the note and deed, have her parents co-sign if they buy her stuff... have an appraiser do a fair market analysis, and if there's any equity at all, have her parents cough up half to buy you out... or take more cash out of the bank account... i'd definitely would NOT move out til you have that house issue resolved... her living there gives her leverage in terms of keeping it, and she could get a temporary order to make you pay half until your divorce clears, which coudl be a long time if she decides NOT to sign a settlement agreement with your voluntarily. as long as your name is on the mortgage, you a legally responsible for half, so don't count on her saying she'll leave in a year, that could change and she could dig in for the duration... so PLEASE try to cut all ties and settle all property ASAP, don't extend it with refinancing... that is a potential HUGE risk for you if that house goes upside/down and market prices keep dropping while she's in it and you're not... in other words, don't equate getting even or getting what is 'fair' with assets. it never works, and divorce lawyers get rich off of people who confuse the two... best of luck, de-escalate and prosper!

if you share a lot of mutual friends, and he is really already over you, then this may be his attempt to try to get your hurt resolved and 'out of your system'... some people are more emotional than others, and he may be the kind of rational thinker who thinks you will ask him a bunch of questions, he will give you the answers, and then you will pop up cheerily and say, 'oh, that explains, i feel much better now and we can be friends and forget we ever dated..' in other words, he's either trying to be nice and not getting that some people take longer to get over hurt feelings than others, or else is egotistical in that he thinks he can talk you out of heartache by answering 'all' your questions, and in the future he can just say if you get upset, 'what's your problem, we already talked about that', or 'why didn't you ask that before, you had your chance...' so you can try to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is trying to be nice, but is there any question that you can ask him that will genuinely help you get better and move on? if not, then don't do it... you can just tell him, look, my feelings need time to recover, and answering a bunch of questions isn't going to 'rationalize' me into feeling better. good luck! my experience is that usually these kinds of conversations are just rehashing the same old thing again, so best to just pursue NC.

i think when you place your whole sense of self and power into another person, when they leave you kind of collapse inward... this is not a healthy place to be and usually means that you need counseling. there are all kinds of reasons a person ends up feeling worthless, which is why counseling is important, to decide how you got that way, and tp plan a way to get your self esteem back. you are investing your ex with WAY too much power, to be the one judge and jury who decides your fate and whether you are 'worthy' or not. he is NOT the messiah or any ultimate authority on anything and you need to remind yourself of that... he just a person like you whom you had a relationship with, that did now work out for who knows what reason... he is just a human being like anybody else, with preferences and flaws etc. you may have been the most noble person in the world and he could still walk away because he was a jerk, or he decided he likes blondes when you're a brunette etc. when someone idolizes a boyfriend to the extent you seem to, it usually means that in their childhood they had some kind of unfulfilled yearning and fear of abandonment... a parent who was distant, or an alcoholic, or abuser, etc. when you are a child, your parents are all powerful because you do totally depend on them for survival, and would die if they abandoned you. but if you are still feeling this way as an adult, that a boyfriend leaving you is a catastrophe of epic proportions that you can never seem to get over, then that means you are still stuck in that childish view, him the all powerful parent, you the helpless and abandoned child. so the only way to really fix this is to get some counseling to help you learn how to place your sense of power and worth inside yourself, and especially how NOT to give it away to some guy who walks away... you are worthy, and able, you just are stuck in a false sense of powerless... good luck, and go make your new quest finding yourself, not searching to reclaim a lost parent surrogate like your ex boyfriend...

i think these are typical things someone says when they fall out of love with someone... if she fell in love with your best friend, and he does not return her feelings, she is probably angry about that too... so she just may be angry in general because things didn't turn out the way she wanted... she wants your best friend, not you, but she can have you, but not him... and even associating with you means she has to see and think about your friend who rejected her... and who knows, she may even BLAME you for not being able to get together with your best friend. ie., maybe he was trying to be kind to her and said 'i can't ever date you because you were my best friend's girlfriend'... when the reality was he just didn't like her. so what did your friend tell her? did she try to get with him and he rejected her, and if so, what was the excuse he used? that might be part of the problem... but one can't 'undo' events or someone else's feelings... you didn't 'let' her fall in love with your friend, that is something she did herself... and if she did, then it means that she probably didn't click with you well enough to overcome her attractions to other people, so trying to go on as if nothing has happened won't work. you might even be able to get back together if SHE was the one who decided she loved you and her attraction to your best friend was a mistake. but if he was the one who wouldn't go forward with it, then she may still be carrying a torch for your friend. i think it best probably to respect her wishes and give her space and let her come to you if she wants to be friends. the whole thing may be too much for her right now, so being friends may not be what she possible until she gets over your best friend...

as humans we are very complex emotionally and frequently don't understand our own motivation... but it sounds like this reunion as 'friends' is making you very unhappy? you need to go back and ask yourself, what exactly would have to happen in the relationship for me to be happy, and happy on a sustained basis, not just temporarily comforted of having a few of your needs met, but having more important ones going unfulfilled. there were reasons you broke up to begin with... have any of them changed since then? by that i mean was some former impediment to your happiness removed? or was it more fundamental problems with the relationship that will never be able to change because of who he is and who you are? by default, any relationship that involves abuse is not healthy. if you want to continue, at a minimum one or both of you needs counseling to stop the abuse. and don't beat yourself up about it... a brief reunion with an ex is very common, though usually not successful... it is like a rest stop on the highway... maybe something makes you vulnerable and you feel a crushing need for some comfort and pull in to reunite with him without giving it too much thought first, but not a place you want to stay at permanently! so if nothing has changed to make you think the relationship will make you happy, and you are abusing each other, i say time to pull out and keep going! you're never going to get where you need to go if you get stuck in the past that wasn't great to begin with...

please buy yourself a home monitoring b.p. checker and check your b.p. at several different times a day over the next week... this way you can measure it when you are more relaxed. sometime speople's b.p. will shoot up for no reason other than nervousness while having the b.p. taken at the doctor... you b.p. can spike for lots of reasons, stress, caffeine, drugs, illness, overweight, etc., but yours is high enough that you might want to monitor it over a couple weeks to see if it stays that high. high b.p. runs in families to, so there could be a genetic component to this, irrespective of diet etc. there are also some medical conditions/diseases that can cause high b.p.. most doctors will NOT ignore sustained high b.p. because of the risks for stroke and other arterial damage over time, even if you are young, the effects can be cumulative and set you up for heart disease/stroke in the future if ignored. so it is good that you are being monitored and returning to the doctor to get to the bottom of the problem. it may be nothing at all, but it is certainly something to monitor, and investigate further if it stays high. there are a million different b.p. medications that work very effectively these days, and you can find one that causes no side effects at all... so even if the doctor does prescribe medication, it really is no big deal if you take it, but could become a big deal if you ignore it.

everybody's maturity level is different, and people don't change unless they see a reason to that suits themselves... he could be 45 and still act like this... but he has demonstrated a lot of negative traits (lying and cheating) that are based as much on character as maturity level. decent guys don't cheat repeatedly, even young ones... if they seem someone they want better, they break up honorably rather than betraying their partner. so even if he matures in age, his character may never improve. you have had a whole lot of hurt from this guy in what is really a short relationship in the greater scheme of things, and he showed bad behavior quite early in the process, never a good sign. don't stick around for more or expect him to mutate into someone who loves you... he's shown that he doesn't regardless of any words he has said... if he cared about you, he would do everything he could to NOT hurt you or jerk you around. please start restricting the amount of time you spend thinking about him... that just feeds obsession. allow yourself 20 minutes twice a day to think about him, and if you are tempted to spend more than that, remind yourself you will think about his later during the assigned time... then whenever your mind drifts to him between times, cut it off. and gradually reduce the time each day you allow yourself to dwell on him, until you have maybe only a 5 minute time slot per day, until you don't feel the need to think about him at all... please try to fill your time with positivie thoughts and activities, and work hard to stop your world from revolving around him... he isn't worth it, and isn't interested in it either...

i think a rebound relationship is one started when you are in the emotionally wounded stage of a breakup, still pining for the ex and grasping a new person like a life raft to buoy your feelings and fill up your time. so it is not a matter of time after breakup, but your mental state at the time you begin the romance... if you are emotionally hurting, you can make all kinds of wrong choices, so always best to wait until you really aren't spending too much time thinking about your ex-, and have worked through the painful portion of your recovery and have moved into acceptance.

IDIOT alert! this guy sounds like a teenaged boy talking! all that nonsense about how she should 'innately' want to parade around in his fantasy getup... honesly, most men who like women to dress up in 'fantasy' clothes in the bedroom do NOT want their wives/girlfriends parading around in french maid outfits on the street! they're thrilled if you wear it for them, but don't have expectations that you're dumb enough to dress like a hookup while going to work. the getup he is describing really sounds a lot like what hookers and strippers wear, so he wants a woman who looks like a hooker but acts like a loving, caring wife? this is nothing more than a variation on the old wh*ore/madonna syndrome, where he wants a devil in bed and an angel in the kitchen making him cookies and can't reconcile the two in his own mind, so is on a holy grail quest to find some women who magically meets his conflicting fantasies. what that really means is that he is deeply conflicted about women and sexuality, and can't reconcile the image of a woman who is 'normal' and loving and doesn't dress up like a freak who is still able to be very 'naughty' in the bedroom... and notice how he says he wants her to be able to express herself and talk about her innate desire to wear fishnets and hooker boots, but he HIMSELF can't even talk about it... this guy is just in LaLa Land, or else he is using all this nonsense as a really bizarre way to try to repel you so he can exit quickly from your relationship without you pleading to come back... most women would NOT want him back after hearing this mess of an ideology he's got going. and the excuse about law school and inability to have a relationship is ridiculous too... i'm sure he has plenty of time to surf porn sites looking for his dream girl in fishnets, that he could spend that surf time with you if he wanted to... this guy is just an idiot... run away from him, don't look back. i don't seen any future dating a guy who is this bizarre and unrealistic in his expectations. you could spend the rest of your life parading around in a french maid's outfit and fishnets, and he would one day pop up and say he's decided he now needs the schoolgirl look, and you're too old to wear a cheerleader's uniform and look authentic... c'mon, this guy is a loser... RUN!

i think her age may have a lot to do with it... she really may be too young to be engaged yet, and want to experiment a bit before marriage. but she really shouldn't do that while engaged to you. there is also lots of peer pressure at that age to go out and party, so her friends could be egging her on... so i would just at a minimum take this as her being too young to get married... if you really love her and think this is immaturity, then there is no reason you can't date for a couple years to see if she really means what she says and is now ready to be faithful... but i wouldn't marry her anytime soon. marriage won't make her faithful or cure a roving eye, it usually makes people feel a bit trapped if they aren't 100% sure they did the right thing, so what could happen is an expensive and traumatic divorce if she's not really ready to settle down. so what a while, and see...

i think that some people grieve more because they they love deeply and get very attached so it is harder to break the connection, while other people look at their partner more as a function rather than a person. so they don't miss the person so much, they just miss having a girlfriend so they go get another one right away without too much thought about the individual they just left behind. by that i mean he may be more interested in someone (anyone he is attracted to) filling the 'girlfriend' role, and if it doesn't work out with one girlfriend, they just slide you out and slide someone else into that role and move on... i had a social worker tell me once that some people look at other people like utility companies, for example, the electric power company. they want power to be there for them whenever they need power, but when they don't need it, they don't want to pay for it, and don't think about it much, and really take it for granted. so some people can just unplug one girlfriend and plug in the next one without too much thought because the one person isn't as important to them as the functions a girlfriend provides, sex, identity, companionship, someone to be a housekeeper, whatever is most important to them etc. i dated a guy once who i really loved and hoped it would work out with, but he just wasn't very good at relationships in terms of being responsible to the other person or even sticking around too long before he got a roving eye.... he was very charming and meant well in lots of ways, but was honest up front and said he really didn't love any of his girlfriends the way he should have, he didn't know why, but that was the way he was... he liked his girlfriends well enough, but was just as happy doing lots of other things, so he hopped in and out of relationships pretty easily, while the girls were devastated when he never really 'settled down' with them the way he should. i felt kind of sorry for him actually, because his life was a mess in some ways becuase he eventually had three failed marriages and a kid with each wife, and never seemed to be able to care deeply enough about any one woman to stick around and work through the problems any normal relationship encounters. so in a marriage, it is really important that you care very deeply, so that you will stick around and work things out rather than just moving on easily like some people seem to be able to do. the trick for you though is recognizing that regardless of the depth of your attachment, the connection to your ex-boyfriend has been broken and he has moved on... so don't you think you deserve someone else who really loves you as much as you are capable of loving him yourself? and i am sure there is someone out there who would be thrilled to be loved by someone like you who loves deeply! so even if you still feel sad, you need to try to pick yourself up and look for someone who can go the distance!

Just be careful not to let your own ambivalence about him encourage him to think he is 'working on' getting you back, unless that is what you want too. 'Let's be friends' is one of the most misunderstood things on the planet when uttered to a recent ex after a breakup... each person takes it to mean what they want, anything from casual infrequent contact to sleeping together when in the mood. even further elaboration doesn't clarify it if one person is more hopeful than the other, that person usually takes it that they are on the road to a reconcilation if only he/she tries hard enough to please the other person. so the dumpee can see this friendship as the long ride to a second chance at a relationship, while the less involved person may just see comfort and conversation but no future at all other than occasional drinks and dinner. We are only as honest as we understand our own motivation, which isn't always clear. So 'being honest' is a very good policy, but sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we know what we want or are saying because of the complicated creatures we are. not everything is apparent to us or others we are involved with emotionally, because emotions are indeed very complicated. Lots of times we want to reconnect in 'friendship' with our ex's because we haven't found anybody new and want some comfort and familiarity, not exactly merely friendship, but a limbo zone somewhere in between friendship and a relationship, until we find someone we like better. It usually works fine for the person who cares less, but the one wanting more will get badly hurt if/when they recognize that this friendship will not lead to a future reunion. And if he is still hoping to reunite eventually and you are just being friends, he is not moving on with his recovery and seeking new people to date because he is busy working on you. so that might work for you, but NOT be in his best interest if you care about him. so think carefully about what you are offering him by offering 'friendship' and vice versa. and spell out in detail what 'friends' means. it is very hard to continue open ended in the 'i'm not sure, we're just friends' mode with someone who is an ex, sooner or later one or the other usually gets impatient and things can turn sour again, and another ride taken on the miserable breakup merry-go-round. so a slippery slope, tread lightly...

i wouldn't worry about it... other than to stop lurking and checking on him... if he contacts you, just tell him you were online and noticed him and were just curious and clicked on the link then thought better of it... exactly what you did. but i doubt you'll hear from him anyway... the guy took a powder (a very rude powder) and disappeared on you without so much as a goodbye... so even if he recognizes it's you, he's been there, done that. he's obviously on that website looking for someone new... btw, why do you care if he sees your profile there anyway, and why are you trying to disguise it from him? are you trying to entice him to go out with you again by thinking he is dating someone different? i guarantee he'll figure out it is you when he shows up, and be *really* angry that you are playing games... and if that's not it, who cares if he sees your profile? he's obviously done dating you, so will just move to the next profile. sounds like too much game playing to me, even if it is only in your own head and you think he won't notice.

when you say 'took up' with someone else, do you mean sexually unfaithful, or met them for a cup of coffee to talk? i think it is normal when one goes on a break to meet with other people and talk to them, even an ex- if they are familiar etc. so that is not being unfaithful to you if you both agreed to a break... when she's on a break, she can do what she wants because she not with you, and you have agreed to take a break. you shouldn't take breaks during relationships unless you mean it... otherwise stay together and work it out. so i wouldn't get too hung up with her talking to other people on a break... what is important is is she faithful to you when you two are together? and do you really want to be with her?

i don't think i have to go very far out on a limb to tell you that this is going to come to a bad end and get uglier if you keep trying to persist with this relationship. you don't really want to be friends with him, you want to date him and are just using the 'friends' card as a way to stay in his life. you may not even know this yourself, but it is clear with your repeated re-asking of that question, and your thinking it is 'good' to get him into 'cuddles' or any other type of exchange that approaches returning to bf/gf status again. i think wanting to ask him more questions is just another way of trying to keep him involved with you. a friend calls someone up ever few weeks and says, how ya doing? how's things going with your new girlfriend. friends don't call up and say, 'do you miss me? do you want to be my friend? can i come over and cuddle?' BIG difference. you've listed a LONG list of reasons why you shouldn't want to even talk to this guy again, lying, cheating, etc. and he's told you a hundred times in both actions and words that he's tired of your relationship and not interested in you being his girlfriend anymore. if he is having sex with you, it is only because he is taking advantage of the easy opportunity for sexual release, then he goes back to not wanting you again. he is dating other people and telling you about it and telling you to leave him alone. i get the sense that you will keep thinking you need to ask him questions because you are waiting for the answer you want to hear, that he will take you back as a girlfriend, and i really don't see that happening. there is no ultimate closure on a bad relationship, just plenty of opportunities to drag it out ad nauseum until everyone is exhausted and hates each other. so please go back and read your posts as to what he is telling you over and over again, not your own interpretations of what he means. he really isn't interested in any more conversations or trying to work it out, nor explanations etc. if he picks up a little breakup sex when you get together, then whoopee for him, but you're back out the door again and he's back to dating other people and telling you to leave him alone. please spare yourself more heartache. please go to a counselor and talk about this if you feel you need to talk to someone. you keep going to him for understanding, but he is a dry well who just wants to move on. i think a counselor could help you see that this relationship is not healthy for you, and more go rounds with him won't make it better. you've said yourself he's a liar... so why will talking to him more help? any question you ask him, he could just lie for the answer, and will most likely say anything that gets you off his back. so why waste the breath? please save yourself a lot of grief and just move on. asking him a lot of questions isn't going to change the past, or your future.

why don't you see your own counselor for a while before considering marriage counseling or leaving? i think going on your own might help you decide whether your desire to leave is based on some internal need that marriage counseling won't fix, or whether you are just confused and upset right now and would be better waiting to make a decision to leave until you are clearer about your feelings. but it definitely sounds like you need to do something to de-escalate the tension, since the fights are escalating and becoming more vicious/physical. maybe a separation where you both attend counseling to see if there is a way to save your marriage, or better to go your separate ways.

btw, one other point... a lot of his behavior might be other things unrelated to bi-polar, like immaturity, etc. so if he throws an 'manic-angry' fit every time you irritate him, he could just be being an immature self centered jerk rather than having over the top rage attacks caused by his disorder. if you start classifying (or excusing) every bad behavior as based on the disorder and 'he can't help it', you will have nothing but a giant spoiled toddler on your hands, because he feels no obligation to modify his behavior around people or treat them decently, since everyone tolerates his tantrums and bad behaviors and walks on eggshells around him. so my suggestion is don't tolerate them, you shouldn't have to. walk away if he gets like that, and continue to tell him what the conditions are for continuing the relationship, i.e., stopping drinking, and treatment of his disorder. so the only answer is professional treatment, and then you can work on the relationship to deal with normal problems, like communication, lack of respect, abusive arguments, etc.

Bi-polar disorder can be very dangerous if left untreated. It usually gets worse with age, and the cycles can even swing into psychosis eventually. it is a biochemical problem that is very difficult to control except via medication and techniques to control stress and other preciptators that contribute to affecting brain chemistry and bi-polar swings. So this is something that requires professional treatment, no matter what he thinks. It is very common for untreated bi-polars to drink. it is their way of trying to medicate themselves and take the edge off anxiety and depression and other problems that can come with this disorder. but is the absolutely WORST thing he could be doing, because alcohol contributes to depression and other brain and body chemistry changes, just complicating one problem with another. people with this disorder who refuse to acknowledge they need help not only torture themselves but anyone else they are close to. you may at this point have only seen the tip of the iceberg in terms of how bad he can get. at either end of the spectrum, he could try to commit suicide, or kill someone else, or spend all your and his own money, chase after meaningless money making schemes, fight with people, have a string of affairs, decide he wants to be a monk in China, etc. etc. that is the nature of the illness, very unpredictable, and the person having it is whiplashed around constantly by their emotions. He is assuming that he needs lots of 'talk' therapy and hence avoiding it, when for bi-polar conditions, what they really need is the medication. there are lots of good drugs out there for treatment these days, and he may do very well on one of them. but you can't make him responsble for himself, he has to do this. so you have two problems really, the drinking and the disorder, and the drinking must stop first before the disorder can be treated, but if the disorder gets treated, his need to drink may dissipate. you could start by telling him you will not live with a drunk, and he has to stop the drinking if he wants to continue to be with you. you can attend some Al-Anon meetings first to learn how to address these issues with him, or read up on dealing with alcholics. he will most likely insist he isn't one, but if he is constantly bar-hopping and drunk, there's your answer and the rest is denial. you are NOT helping him by trying to be 'kind' or be his shrink. you are his girlfriend, not his mother or shrink, and do not want to turn into an enabler who smooths the road for him so he can continue in his drinking and bi-polar cycles without treatment. sometimes in these cases an intervention with the family and a professional is called for... where everyone together sits him down and he is confronted with his behavior and told that how he is behaving is injuring himself and those who love him, and that he needs treatment. he may need to check into a treatment facility for a month to deal with alcohol, and get evaluated for the proper drugs to treat his bi-polar condition. so you might not want to try to do this on your own, but get with his family and get a professionals assistance with this. good luck, and don't lose yourself to his problems. somebody needs to keep their wits about them and steer him into treatment, or there is no hope for him or your relationship with him.

I am sorry to hear this because it puts you in a terrible position between your parents when you haven't done anything wrong. How old is your dad, and what is that state of his health? I would not tell him if you think this kind of news would be such that it would negatively impact his health... if he is a relatively normal 65-75 year old man, he could overcome this, but if he is frail or fighting a major illness, then i would think about his health first and not tell him. he may find out on his own anyway, and if he does, and finds out you know too, you can tell him you did not tell him becuase you were worried about his health and were trying to protect him. I think the person you should talk to is your mother. You should tell her that you know, and that you do not appreciate being used as an excuse to deceive your father when she goes off to cheat on him. She may be highly embarrassed and apologise, or enraged. depending on how she behaves, you can decide whether you want to continue to live there or move out. She will continue the affair or not based on her own decisions, but frequently when an affair is found out by a third party, she will either stop seeing the guy, or confess you father. then she may or may not leave, which is probably based on how the affair is going and whether she sees the person as a permanent partner or just a 'fling' to reduce boredom. marriages are very complex emotionally and none of us can guess why this affair is happening, but there are so many different outcomes that can happen when the affair is exposed. sometimes the person being cheated on even has the attitude, i wish i had never found out about this, because they just want their 'normal' life to go on uninterrupted. so telling you father too could burst some psychological bubble or protection he wants mentally, where if an affair was happening, he would prefer not to know. so if you feel you must tell, talk to your mother and tell her what you know, that you do not want to be used as an excuse, and whether she intends to break up the marriage over this or not... it might be a little easier on you 'not telling' if you know she intends to stay in the marriage and try not to hurt your father, but if it is going to break up anyway, then maybe you could be there to help your father after she tells him...