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  1. Anyone that has read my threads before has a good idea of the whole story, so I'm not going into past detail to supplement my story. (It would just take forever.) If you haven't read my threads before but still wish to advise, keep an open mind and don't instantly jump to the conclusion that I'm insane and paranoid, please. This is an entirely new incident but my suspicions take root in a past incident involving the same man and young girls. Okay, my fiancee's car has been broken down like, the past month. So whenever he needs a ride to the store a neighbor takes him. I've just been sitting at home rather than go to the store; I know of his history (regarding stuff he did before I came into the picture) and past of hitting on the young girls at that particular store although he denies it like all-hell, but I figured, okay, be trusting, he says he's not that person, and he's been on good behavior. So I didn't think nothing of it when he never really pressured me to come to the store with him like he used to. Probably because I'm usually like, "no, I don't feel like it." Anyhow, the other particular night I decided to go help him pick out something for dinner, or we'd just be stuck eating frozen pizza. We went, got our stuff, was walking towards the cashiers when I noticed a short, petite, pretty young cashier staring at us MIGHTY hard with an odd look on her face. Almost like a ... peed off look. But why? My man turned down the aisle on his left to grab some laundry detergent which we nearly forgot. I said, "Why was that short cute cashier staring at us reallly hard? Kinda odd, don't you think?" He responded, rather annoyed, "I don't know! I don't even know who that is." I said, "You better not have been in here hitting on these girls or even trying to flirt with them. You know what happened the last time you tried hitting on a girl behind my back. I suspected everything and eventually the truth came out." He just told me basically I was paranoid. Okay, maybe. That's quite feasible, being that I have a reason to be. So, we got our laundry detergent and I shut my mouth and stopped questioning him. I instead watched and waited. The short, pretty girl had no customers in her line. The next girl (not so attractive) had about two. He walked right past the short girl who gave us the strange look and went to the next. HMMMMM. Before you assume this was purely accident, let me explain something to you about my boyfriend/fiancee/whatever. He is the world's most IMPATIENT person and he at times can be a bit "jerky". He will rush the cashiers or at least, complain in the back of the line. If there's anyone who's open, he'll rush right to them before anyone else can. So why did he decide to go right past the short girl, especially when he claimed he didn't even know who it was? And why was she staring at us so hard? Heh, yes I called him on it. In a way. I said, "Umm, why are you going to this girl's line when that other cashier has absolutely no people? Why did you walk right past her? Kinda strange to me." He sighed, annoyed, rolled his eyes, and said "Fine, I will go to her line then." So we went and stepped into her line, and surprise surprise. Big surprise. Heh, not really. The girl started smiling really big and said, "Well heyyy! How's it going? Is this your girlfriend?" She looked at me and smiled with this really huge "grin." "Did you know your boyfriend comes in here being such a (insert word beginning with a and ending with hole here.)?" This was said in a jokey, comfortable-with-the-subject (which was my man) sort of manner. He just kinda laughed (I'm sure he knew he was caught) and said "No I'm not," and was laughing and smiling right back with her. Probably trying to buy time to figure out what to tell me later. Heh. She was like, "he's always coming in here acting crazy!" (or something like that.) And she started smiling again and the other cashier, then no longer busy, came up next to the girl and started smiling at him, talking to him too. Both young, teenage girls. The short girl was very attractive, she could have been anywhere from 16-18. She *might* have been legal, but it's hard to tell. She was clearly a teen, however. Surprise, surprise. He tried to tell me later on that the other girl who came over there used to be his neighbor, which is why she was friendly, but he didn't know that short girl at all. I was like, "hmm, someone's being mighty friendly." And this was more of a comment directed towards him then her. I meant that if he didn't even know her and didn't know why she was staring at us so hard, then it's strange how he bypassed her line (deliberately) and the second we do come into her line, she's acting like she knows him well enough to joke with him? She thought I was trying to insult her and smiled and said, "Well it's my job to be friendly! I don't mean anything by it." And my fiancee rolled his eyes and said to the girl, "Tell her that I've never come in here hitting on you or anything like that..." She instantly shook her head (way too quickly for me) and said, "Oh no, nothing like that!" Looked away. But, I think the girl was warning me somehow, or trying to let me on to the truth, or something. Because later on I thought about it and it seems to me that she was staring at us like that because she was surprised to see he had a girlfriend. Why? Maybe 'cause he'd been in there flirting with her, trying to chat with her? Maybe he wasn't dumb enough to directly hit on her (hey, let's go on a date, or hey, you look good) but obviously some sort of over-friendliness and such was going on because he's not blind and likely noticed her good looks. He can lie all he wants about not looking at other girls, but I'm really not stupid. He claims he's not like that and doesn't pay any attention to other girls, he has me and "that's enough for him, all he wants is me." Clearly not, huh? When we got home we talked more about it (more like argued, our poor neighbor, we bickered back and forth the whole way home while she drove) and he kept denying even KNOWING HER. Kind of ridiculous being that it was proved otherwise. Then he started saying he never even went in her LINE before. Umm... Why would anyone go to the trouble of denying such simple stuff, unless they did have something to hide? Those who remember my other threads must remember that the last time he was caught doing something, it was based upon my initial suspicions and his denials and his denial ever talking to that girl and so on, and it turned out to be oh-so-sadly-true. So I kept at it, and later he finally admitted that, "well, the other day I was joking with one of the grocery-baggers, and told him to stop being lazy, hurry up and take my groceries out, and that girl looked at me and called me an (word that begins with an A.) I just said Yeah, and? And walked out." This is his claim. I must add in here that this is a revised version of this post, because it was deleted due to language. And the poster Aurian sent me the post with her observations of it, and said about this part: "Then why not say that earlier? I think he just came up with a good story. If he said it initially, I would have accepted it, but the fact he lied first before coming up with a "harmless" story tells me that this is another lie." And I agree, this sounds like a good point. Okay, one, why did you deny ever talking to her or even knowing who she was? Why is it that someone who's worried enough about being friendly to the customers would insult you by calling you an (word that starts with a). Clearly, when she was saying it to us (him and I) it was in a friendly way, a comfortable way. Someone who was worried about their job would know better to say that to a customer, unless she knew he'd be okay with it, and that'd be because they've been joking together before and she had gotten to know him a bit better.. you know... and felt comfortable enough to say something like that to him in a jocular manner, knowing he wouldn't get angry. Make sense? I said, why didn't you mention this before? (Not that I really believed it.) He claimed it's because he "knows how I think." You know, just another way of saying I'm paranoid. I said, umm, but why was she staring at us, and why did you deliberately go past her line when you NEVER wait? It's like you KNEW she was going to say something and get you in trouble. He claimed that after I told him she was staring at us, he didn't go to her line because "he knows how I think" and I would "think something" if he chose to go to her line. Ummm... But, if he deliberately avoided her line because I would think something based upon her "randomly staring at us for no reason" but he claims he doesn't even know who she is, or who she was, then how did he know to bypass her line? If he had no idea what chick I was referring to when I asked him then why she was staring at us? Later on it was the same old spiel. "I Love you baby, I am not that type of guy, I would never do anything to **** up our relationship ever again, I've been on my best behavior, I want to have kids with you and marry you and grow old together, think of all the things I do for you, would I do all of that if I wanted to go get with other girls?" And blah blah. The poster Aurian said that he was likely thinking with this motive in mind: "uh oh, she's mad. I know, I'll tell her some nice stuff so she'll let me off the hook again." I think so too. And c'mon. I'm not that stupid. We have BEEN THROUGH ALL OF THIS BEFORE. I DON'T MISS A THING. THE LITTLEST OF THINGS, THE SUBTLEST OF THINGS, GIVE ME ENOUGH CLUES TO PIECE TOGETHER AN ENTIRE STORY. It never fails, I've always been this intuitive. If he felt so pressured to act "bad" in front of guys before, what would be different this time around? Maybe the other guys (like the stockboys and bagboys, he knows all of them) were talking about that girl looking hot, and he decided to see for himself and then was trying to act cool in front of her (because she was hot.) to get noticed by her. To get the attention he craves. Because he does. Maybe she'd notice him and be attracted to him. Or maybe he's noticed her anyway and while never hit on her, started acting friendly (a.k.a flirty) with her because he's attracted to her. So much for "You're the only one I want," heh. Of course, he denies, denies, denies. Just like the last time. Why is it then, stuff always comes up? Yesterday we went into that store again (I'm never letting him go in there alone if I can help it. Of course I can't prevent him from going but if I'm home and he's going to the store, then I'm going too.) he was acting suspicious yet again. This time my eyes were wide open and I made sure to observe everything. That girl wasn't in there which sucked, because I had wanted to ask her privately if he had been in here trying to talk to her. Something tells me that if he wasn't around to put her on the spot and make her fear losing her job, then she'd tell me the real deal. However, when we got our grocery items, he bypassed ANOTHER cashier and went straight to a much longer line. Yet, when this guy opened his register in the middle, my man, the impatient one, flew to be the first one in that line. Yet, why did he bypass another cashier? This girl looked REALLY young, 15 at the most, maybe 16 but doubtfully, she was pretty and petite with blonde hair and really cute features. Uhhh huh. Her line was much shorter, yet he went right by her to some other girl's line, which was much shorter. Yeah, he bypassed the petite little blonde girl for the other line, which was much longer, yet BOLTED to the middle register when that guy opened. Why did he avoid that pretty girl's line? Because he knew that she might say something too? Something really friendly that would set off my suspicions? Aurian said, "He could have been nervous about starting another fight by going to a girl's lineup", which could be true, EXCEPT the line he went to also had a female cashier, that one who supposedly was his ex neighbor. So either way, if he was nervous, he would have been nervous about going to that girl's line too. I think there's a specific reason why he specifically bypassed that pretty young girl's line, much like he bypassed the short pretty darkhaired girl's line the night before. She probably would have been friendly with him, because he's probably been in there being friendly and flirty with her too. And he knew that would be more evidence against him. So, This could mean one of two things. One, he IS in there being flirty and friendly and charming with the girls, though harmlessly. He has a woman and he knows these little girls likely have boyfriends, but he likes the attention and likes feeling like a man, and likes showing off in front of his buddy stockboys and such. Trying to keep up his "cool" image. Though he claims he's changed. Pffft. He likely does find them attractive and flirts according to his thoughts but wouldn't actually hook up with any of them. And he knows he better avoid these certain girls he's flirty/friendly with when I'm around because I'll blow a gasket when they start talking to him and I'll start accusing him of trying to cheat, when all he's doing is flirting, which is equally bad in my book. Which, he also knows. But he still has to get his attention fix, even if it is from young, giggly, underage girls. It's insecurity. Or two, he really DOES hit on some of these girls or flirts with them or has crushes on them and tries to talk to them, hoping that over time they may respond back to him and eventually he could date them? Neither one or two would surprise me, he obviously has a thing for teen girls. Seemingly can't tell the difference. Or doesn't mind it. Just yesterday we were in the store and I went looking for something, and then went to find him. I walked up in aisle and saw an extremely pretty young girl walk by with her boyfriend (who um, goes to school with my 16 year old brother, and that girl herself I know is 15). Perfect hair, and body, and everything. Sad when an adult woman of 21 feels she has to compete with children! Anyhow, not a shocker, my boyfriend was strolling by with the cart and was looking right at her, head turned and everything, until he saw me and whipped his head back really quick. Someone who's going to be 26 in a month has no business checking out such a young girl. Of course, as always, he denied that too. Said I was crazy and all that but I SAW him. Who was he checking out, the guy? There was no one else over there. God, he must think I'm an idiot if he thinks I'll believe such a ridiculous lie. I won't be getting any answers from him. He denies denies, denies, and lies, lies, lies. Even when caught and presented with evidence, he still lies his butt off until you manage to manipulate him and make him think the consequences of his actions won't be so bad, and then he'll tell you a half version of the truth. It's only after several months did I get the "truth" the last time, and I still don't know if that's the truth. I don't know if he really did want that girl and really did want to mess with her, or really did feel pressured into it by his bad-seed buddy. So.. I have to investigate this. What does everyone think?
  2. (written for my Fiancee) like the flowers love the sun, like the birds love to fly Like the fish love the water and the stars love the sky it was destiny that guided us, I'm sure you’ll agree that I belong with you, and you belong with me I've made many changes, my life is not the same my heart skips a beat, when I say your name The things I feel now, I've never felt before with each new day that passes, I love you more and more I've never had the words to say what's in my heart you've changed all that for me, and this is just the start the start of something perfect, the start of something new side by side, your hand in mine, together, me and you © 2007 Jason Deters
  3. Sometimes, it great to actually kick back and take the time to make love with your partner, instead of saying "this is what gets me off easiest/quickest" or "I'm tired, let's make it fast" or anything to that effect. My fiancee and I normally don't see each other during the week, but we did last night, and we took the time to reconnect and actually in a sense "re-discover" things about each other that we kind of forgot in the everyday grind of things. Even found some new erogenous zones! It was quite nice! haha... Just thought I'd share. Has anybody else had that experience?
  4. Ok...I'm just going to throw this out there: My fiancee and I try to keep things spiced up in the bedroom, because we recently hit the year mark, and dont want things to fizzle. Well, he recently brought up to me that it is one of his fantasies to be dominated by me. Problem is...I have no idea where to start with something like that! He's done it to me before, but he's also a lot more experienced sexually. I even went out and rented some porn and instructional DVD's along those lines, but I couldn't watch them without giggling! So, I guess to the women: have you ever done anything like that before? What did you do? Guys: Any insight?
  5. My Fiancee is scared about the complications that we will be having soon...and I guess I cant blame him...but Im so scared he will leave me and Im not sure I could handle that. I am in my 7th month of pregnancy and this baby isnt his. (He knows this of course!) We are young, I am 18 and he is 19. We were together from the time I was 15 til last May, we lived together until then, then we broke up for six months, during this time I became pregnant by another man, he turned out to be a loser and in my 3rd month of pregnancy me and my fiancee got back together and he said he wanted to be considered the father of my child and proposed to me a couple of months after we got back together. We love each other very much and he has been helping me through pretty much everything. We are renting a house (instead of this small apartment) together next month and are both excited about that. He has talked to my tummy saying just the cutest things, and worries about both of us just as if this were his biological child. But now, something has happened. Last week we were lying in bed and he told me that he was scared that this was not the right decision for him and his future. He is scared about the money, and his freedom and the fact that he is only 19 years old. Also lately he has been quite distant. He doesnt really want to have sex with me, (it used to be like almost twice a day and now its closer to once a week) not that he cant or anything he just chooses to masturbate instead of turn over and make love to his fiancee. So now he is telling me that he will be making a decision as to wether this is right for him. He says he is still madly in love with me but wants to do whats right for him. Sometimes I think, "well if he;s madly in love with me he would want to work through the hard times and not even consider leaving me" but then I have to think about it on his side, he is only 19, and he has his whole life ahead of him, should he really juggle being a husband and father whilst just starting his career, even though this child isnt even his to begin with and am I being selfish to want him to be with me? Everything seems so complicated but Im so scared because I really dont think I could do this without him. He is seriously like my rock and my hero and I love him more than anything and would be devistated if he left. Can anyone help me with this?
  6. Hello to one and all. My girlfriend and I are engaged to be married in March 2007 and I'm suffering serious angst over whether it's the right step. I'll try to give some background, and hopefully someone will be able to knock some sense into me. I first met my fiancee when I moved to Korea to work as an English teacher four years ago. In fact, we met on my very first night. We continued to see each other regularly, and started dating some weeks thereafter. She made it quite clear early on that she was looking for a long-term partner, and I assured her that I felt the same way. In fact, I didn't know what I wanted. Until that point (at the age of 24) I'd never had what you would call a real relationship. Anyway, things progressed and she started spending more and more time over at my place. I was of course delighted about the whole thing for at least the first 8 months, at which time I started to get a little anxious about what I'd got myself into. Nothing serious, just nagging doubts. She really seemed to think I was "the one", and I just wasn't as sure. Nevertheless, after finishing my original year's contract and visiting home for Christmas, I came back and we decided to move in together. Again, for a few months everything was fine and dandy. Then the doubts and fears started to kick in again - nothing specific, just general insecurity and wondering if she was really the one, and did I really love her as much as she loved me. I pretty much convinced myself that I wanted to leave - but didn't know how (never having been in that situation before). Then that summer, she gave me an ultimatum: get engaged or break up. I was pretty taken aback. I didn't expect to have to make my decision quite so soon. I told her I needed some time to sort my head out, and headed off to Thailand alone for a month. There I spent the first three weeks agonizing. My gut told me to walk away, but I was feeling lonely, and I started missing her. In addition, I knew she really expected me to return and propose, and the thought of disappointing her had my stomach in knots. Also, her (now late) mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so that played into the decision too. So I decided to go ahead and buy a ring. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe she was the one for me after all? I came back and got down on one knee. Again, everything seemed rosy for a while. Then the old feelings of doubt started to surface again. I reassured myself that it still wasn't too late to get out since the engagement was open-ended. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that my life was miserable. Quite the opposite - we were very happy together most of the time. It's been over two years now since the engagement. My fiancee's mother has passed away, and I think she has pretty much finished grieving. Between early summer and last month, my doubts began to multiply. Where before they were just at the back of my mind, now they were with me day and night. I started planning my escape, what I was going to say, when I was going to do it. Then last month, we took a trip together. On the plane, I happened to see her passport. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the date of birth. My fiancee was four years older than me, when she'd always led me to believe that we were the same age. She'd even lied about her birthday. When we arrived at the airport I asked her what the hell was going on. She said she'd lied in the first place because she was afraid I wouldn't have gone for her otherwise, and that she'd been trying to tell me the truth ever since but couldn't find a way. I told her I was very confused and she started crying and asking if I was going to leave her. Aha, I thought. Here's my chance. I have an excuse now. But I just couldn't do it. I nearly did - told her about my doubts - but I just couldn't bring myself to say the hurtful words. So that night we were back in the hotel trying to figure things out when she suggested that what we needed was to end our stagnation, viz. get married and go back to live in my country. I wasn't totally convinced, but I've been itching to get home for a while, so it didn't sound like such a bad idea. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more it grew on me. So we got back to Korea, and again I was feeling calm and relaxed about the future. Until, a few weeks later.... The same old doubts. Only now we've booked a wedding venue, ordered rings, told our friends and families, sent clothes back home. This time I have, for the first time, tried to be honest about how I'm feeling. I've told her about my doubts, but she is convinced I will overcome them because our love is so strong. I wish I were so sure. As things stand now, I'm completely torn. I do love this girl, but how do I know this is how it's meant to be? I have no experience! I find myself almost making mental notes whenever we're together - hmm good sense of humour, hmm annoying habit - and comparing her with other girls I know. It's not fair on her! She deserves to be loved for who she is. And I've been flirting with a co-worker, and thinking what might have been with her. After all this, I can't bear the thought of breaking up, and I'm scared to death of going on. I have never before posted in any forum such as this. I'm not aware of the etiquette, and I apologize to everyone if this post is filled with irrelevant nonsense. I just don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this. All my friends here I share with my fiancee, so they're out. I don't feel comfortable talking to my family about it. I've kind of lost touch with most of my friends back home, and anyway I'm not convinced they'd give me good advice. So please, just give me some honest opinions. Thank you.
  7. In a couple of weekends, I'm going to an interview and job fair that is fairly close to where my ex lives. I haven't been there for so long (about half a year, since we split up) I'm planning on going back there for an hour or two with a friend, go see some familiar places. I DO NOT want to see my ex, the chances of that are low anyway and I'll simply bolt if I catch a glimpse of her. However it's fairly likely that I'll see maybe a person or two that I used to know through her. And given one of the places I'll be going, the most likely of these is a particular couple. I was introduced to this couple by my ex at the beginning of our relationship, and my ex used to spend evenings with them drinking and stuff. Anyway, towards the end of our relationship when everything was spiralling down she informed me that a few weeks before she met me, the guy in this couple came onto my ex and she didn't say no or anything. So this guy cheated on his girlfriend (now fiancee I believe) with my ex. This was almost exactly two years ago. If anyone, it's most likely I'll bump into one of these two. My question is: should it be the woman of the couple, do I let her know what I know? I might not see anyone I recognise at all, this is just me wanting to be prepared should it happen.
  8. My approach to this issue - unless you know the fiancee is truly cheating, has a criminal record, has a drug or alcohol problem or is abusive to your friend AND your friend either doesn't know or is incapable of taking care of herself for some reason, you do not advise her against marrying the person. If she point blank asks, then yes, maybe you can tell her but in my experience most engaged people do not ask their friends whether they should marry the person - and if there were doubts during the dating phase you never hear about those doubts again once the ring is on -- with few exceptions. I'd be interested in hearing from people who gave unsolicited advice to a friend not to marry a particular person where there was no true abuse or any of the other issues I wrote above, but you just felt that she or he was making a terrible choice because of the person's personality/behavior and perhaps you felt strongly that it would get much worse once they were married. If you did give advice, was it a difficult decision to give the advice and what was the reaction?
  9. Im 25 and have been together with my fiancee for 5 years. He treated me so good for all those times that we have been together. I went to a depression for other reasons and he stood by me the whole time but I did not realize that he was getting depress also because he felt like a failure coz i was so depress. I feel like I took him for granted somehow. Recently, I found out that he was cheating on me, with my co-worker. It hurts so bad coz it is like a shock to me. I feel like killing my self. It hurts so deep that I dont know if can move on. I know he is just lost and dont realize what he got. (I have been a great girlfriend to him overall. )I want him back..... but at the same time I feel like I am disrespecting myself for feeling that way coz he hurted me so bad. I want to help him find his way back to me but I do not know if this is the best move. Please help!!!!
  10. First time poster and glad to find this resource. My fiancee of almost 5 years has given me great concern over the past year or so. She is 32 I am 39 and left her previous boyfriend to move from another state here with me. We had a wonderful life for several years but over the last 18 months things have really made me suspicious. 1) She is out of town most every weekend (she is a skydiving instructor and she teahes at a dropzone and hour+ away and stays in the small camper my parents found for her). If not teaching at the dropzone she travels to see her family in the other state (many times over holidays). 2) While getting logos for my business off her computer system I saw some jpgs of her and lots of people from a dropzone party including 2-3 of her in friendly or overtly friendly hugs. 3) Her own cell-phone that she uses for all her incoming and outgoing calls, never using he home phone unless it is to call me. 4) She does not want to spend time with me in my primary activities since they no longer seem to interest her. 5) And here's a beauty: no sex for the last 16 months. I've never pushed her other than the allusion to it at times only to be told "I am tired, I don't feel well, not tonight". Yup 16 months. 6) I try and do my best to be an attentive fiancee by paying the bills (except for her car payment and her cell phone bill), taking care of the house, making sure we have health insurance but she really only helps out to cover her needs. 7) She no longer talks about the wedding or about having kids. I've tried to communicate with her but with her work, skydiving, my job we do not always have time for communication. I definetly care for her very strongly still but with this growing gap and my increasing suspicion of her I don't know if I can go on like this. I've asked several times if there was anyone else or if she was having sex with anyone but she always says no. So, does anyone have any input to help this frazzled fella from the northeast? Thanks for your time. DocInPA
  11. I'm in a real tough situation and wanted some unbiased opinions. Me and my ex-fiancee (we've been together for 5 years) moved to Northern Virginia back in August for her teaching job. It was the first time we've lived together. While I've hated it down there, she hasn't minded it too much. We are both locked into contracts with the school districts and our lease isn't up until August. Anyway, the Thursday before Christmas we had a huge fight before we came back to our hometown for Christmas. It was a petty fight that just escalated into a huge issue. She told me she didn't want to see me for Christmas when we got home and I got stubborn and made her eat her words. Well, during the time we have been home, I've been miserable. After not seeing her for Christmas, I realize it was a total mistake and I miss her like crazy. I went out with my friends for 2 nights when we got home and completely didn't want to talk to her because of the fight. She called me late night to talk about Christmas presents for our families and I told her to take them back because I was still mad after telling me she didn't want to see me. This was her olive branch so to speak. Well, fast forward to New Years Eve and apparently she met someone new in the 9 days we were home. She said we are finished, but we still have to live together. I told her I just want a chance in the next 5 and a half months to see what happens with us. I love her a whole lot and it kills me that a petty fight escalated into hell. She said that anything is possible, but she's ready to move on. I'm devistated that she met someone new that quick. To top it all off, I proposed on New Years Day 2 years ago and it's hard not to be with her right now. I'm hoping that she's just talking mad right now and that when she sees me things clear up. This has been the longest we've never seen each other in 5 years and I hope something clicks when she sees me tomorrow. How can you live with an ex that you are crazy about? How can we co-exist? I'm going to see her tomorrow and I'm so nervous I can't stand it. Thanks for any help.
  12. Okay. So I'm twenty years old, female, and in a long-term committed relationship. My first serious boyfriend was with the man I'm with now. I was a total and complete virgin when we met, so obviously he was everything from my first romantic kiss to my first lover. I've had sexual issues in the past, so it took a while for me to be able to trust and become intimate with him. However, from the first time and onward, I've had a real problem with orgasm. He's a very good listener and makes sure to please me how I instruct him to, and it always feels wonderful, however I can never seem to get over that final hurdle into orgasm. I've talked with him about this on several occasions and he understands that it isn't his fault and that I really do feel quite a bit of pleasure, but that even during masturbation I have a hard time reaching orgasm, and when I do, it's rarely satisfying. I suppose what I'm asking is if any women have had the same problem and were able to overcome it. I've tried so many relaxation tips from soft music to rhythmic music to silence to different positions and speeds and pressures. Nothing seems to help. I do know that I have a better chance of coming if it's clitoral stimulation, but even then it isn't a guarantee. I just want to be able to come like he does. Sometimes I feel not quite up to par just because even though he's says he understands, how horrible must it be for a man to almost never be able to make his fiancee orgasm? I appreciate any tips anyone might have. Thanks
  13. ADVICE please!!! Calling all men!!! need your help!! I am embarrassed to ask this question despite my anonymity. Nakedness or darkness? I have had two children from first marriage. I am now engaged to a guy and I insist on never taking my shirt completely off without darkness in the room because my pregnancies made my once tiny tone belly look like a deflated balloon. I think it would be a turn off for my fiancee but I also worry that he gets turned off by my inability to be comfortable with my body. So given a choice of seeing a woman confident with herself and free to be sexually expessive and unihibited... or seeing a not so perfect body of the woman you love, which would it be? PS. woman out there; am I the only one with this hangup? HELP!! I think I'm frustrating him!! but I'm afraid he'll think I'm not so pretty anymore.
  14. My fiancee and I always have protected sex (I always wear a spermicide condom and we are always generally very careful). Last night we had a scare though; She was on top. She was wearing her panties, which I pulled aside before inserting my penis. I was wearing a think, strong condom with spermicide, marketed as 'extra safe.' The fit of the condom was very good as usual. I felt myself ejaculate while she was on top of me and it felt like the condom was still on. I didn't withdraw as she told me she was close to coming too, but she didn't in the end. So I immediately withdrew and nothing felt unusual, just like always. But I looked down at my penis as always after withdrawing and to our horror the condom wasn't on it. She realised the condom was hanging from the opening of her vagina. The ring of the condom was about a centimetre outside the opening. She easily pulled it out by the ring and help it up. There was sperm collected in the tip of the condom, with no signs at all that it has broken, burst or split. The condom hadn't gotten lost inside her and it was the right way round/up. I noticed what I think was sperm on my stomach, just above my penis. We think that what happened was when I withdrew, we forgot to do what we normally do if she is wearing panties, we forgot to pull them aside again to make sure my penis and condom withdrew correctly. We think my penis must have gotten a little less hard towards the end of making love, and as I withdrew it, the ring must have gotten caught on her panties a little, meaning that my penis pulled out, leaving the condom still slightly inside the opening of her vagina. Some of the sperm collected inside the condom must have fallen onto my stomach somehow. My fiancee and I went to a clinic and she took the morning after pill. She is not on the pill, we just use condoms whenever we make love. This is the 1st time she has taken the morning after pill. It was 10 hours after making love when she took it. We think she was on day 17 since her last period. Weighing up the fact she was on top, I wore a strong, think spermecide condom and it didn't break, but was left in her vagina when my penis pulled out after making love, and she took the morning after pill 10 hours after love making, would you say there is a fairly low chance she might be pregnant? Sure, we know nothing is guaranteed and there is a chance, but considering the circumstances and facts, should we be really really concerned? SSG
  15. Let me begin by saying hello. About seven months ago, my fiancée left me for another guy. There has been no contact since. Anyways, I had been pretty good for the past few months, but lately it’s all crashing down. We had been living together and pretty much all her stuff is gone now, except for a few things I haven’t thrown away. For example, some stuffed animal bears I had bought her. Normally, this doesn’t happen, but when I see those bears, I just break down. I remember back to high school when it was so hard to come up with the money to buy those bears for her. And it hurts so much thinking about that. Things that we used to do together – hobbies of mine – I gave up on them. It hurts too much to do them anymore. Lately I don’t sleep at all. I don’t sleep because I’m scared to sleep. I don’t like dreaming about her. I don’t like waking up from a fake world where things are peachy. I feel like a drug addict, one who is high on meth and never sleeps. The only times I do sleep is when I end up passing out after being up for a few days. Any advice? Sorry that this was more of a ramble, I get loopy after 36 hours of being up. And yes, I see a shrink.
  16. I was dating a girl for over a year and a half and in like any relationship we had our ups and downs. I have never been in love or had a serious relationship for that matter but I know that I feel in deep with her. I proposed to her on Christmas day this past year. A couple of weeks went by after I proposed and found out from a friend that she cheated on me. I confronted her and she totally denied it for 2 days. Finally, she confessed and a month or so later I found out that she actually had sex with the guy and not just messed around. Within a 4 month period she had kissed another guy and let a guy play with her. I had to find out by other people because she never told me. We are currently broken up again and she wants me back. She tells me that she has completely changed and how she doesn't want to be that person anymore. She wants to be with me and only me. This is my problem. If she truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, why risk loosing me by cheating. I don't know what to do because I don't know if I can ever trust her. Do people actually change????
  17. here is the background... i am 21, my fiancee is 22. we have a 4 yr old son together. 3 months ago we moved down to alabama from northern michigan. we were staying with his brother... i left all my family up there, so to say the least after 5 weeks in alabama, i was wanting to go back home. i talked to him about this and he didn't want to go back, so he called his mother who lives in florida, and my son and i went to stay with her for a couple of weeks... my fiancee then came down to be with us, and i somehow let myself get talked into living down here in florida now. i am really not happy here and still want to move back to michigan to be with my family. i have discussed this with him numerous times, he will act like hes listening, then the next day it is like we did not even talk about it. i feel like i am stuck here. his mom will call, and tell him to apply for such and such a job and he will just do it.. he never tells her no, it is like her feelings come before mine. i love him to death we have been together for 7 years, but i do not know how to make him understand how miserable i am... i am VERY close to my family and being so far away from them is hurting me, i can't deal with just seeing them a couple of times a year. how do i make him understand? to see things from my point of veiw, he is used to seeing his family only a couple of times a year. i know he loves me, i just do not see it. i don't think i will be okay until i am back home... any advice will be greatly appreciated thanks, jessica
  18. Last night my fiancee told me that an ex boyfriend of hers, whom she is now friends with and speaks to about every 3 months or so, is staying over her apartment on Monday night. I have never heard of this guy until last night, I've known her for a year and a half. Her apartment is 270 square feet and is a studio with a bed loft, so she would be sleeping right above him,(there is no way to put that which doesn't sound perverse) as the loft is right over the sofa bed. The place is small, they would be falling all over each other. Anyway, I am freaking out because this feels like a breach of trust. They dated 10 years ago, so their relationshp isn't recent, and that's a plus. However, during the conversation, she told me they had dated for only like "30 seconds" 10 years ago. Ummm, 30 seconds turned out to be 8 months and they lived together for a large portion of that time. She broke up with him and has no feelings for him.(i don't question this part at all) This guy needs to sleep over in New York City because he has an early flight from JFK and doesn't want to have to travel all the way from Red Bank so early in the morning. I think that's a completely ridiculous reason. She says it's because he's poor and has no other friends in NYC. I also think that's ridiculous. Take a bus. Sleep on the street. Hitch hike. Whatever. I completely trust my fiancee and I don't think she's thinking about anything but helping a friend, but I don't trust this guy and I just don't like how this feels. Is a boundary being crossed? Am I overreacting by being pouty, jealous, fearful, and hurt? Any advice would help, I tried to put up all the pertinant information. Thanks very much. Sincerely, John
  19. I recently started communicating with someone I lost touch with via instant messaging, I have to admit I was excited to hear from her after such a long time. Not being the shy guy she knew, I dominated to conversation with innuendoes and memories of days gone by. Thought she was into the new me but when I recalled certain events I got nothing but denial, fine I let that slide. She mentioned she was getting married I said that was great but when I asked her about her fiancée and the wedding plans she changed the subject. Why? She guided the conversation towards my feelings for her, wanted to know if I still thought about those late night phone calls, I redirected the question to which she responded, " I don't even remember calling you ever." That hurt a little and made me defensive so I reply, " Yeah,I still think those calls, think of the precious sleep I lost talking to you." Now that I think about it maybe she wanted a reaction to gauge my feelings for her, I was cool and collected until I was thrown by that comment. I'm just trying to figure out what is her deal, the first time I met her I may have fallen face first but I'm way past that now. Why all the questions about my feelings for her? Isn't her fiancée giving her enough love? She dodges every one of my questions about him makes me even wonder if she said it (the wedding) to get a reaction from me. She is manipulative, always has been, seems she's gotten to the point where she needs to know she had someone wrapped around her pinky. Haven't spoken to her in a while or seen her online anymore, maybe she got what she was looking for, her answer. I don't know why it bugs me, is this a game for her? Now that she doesn't have my attention, the game is over? This is bothering more than it should so if after reading this post, you have any insight please share them, maybe a different perspective is what I need to resolve his issue. Thanks.
  20. My fiancee did something immature that disappointed me. I called her out on it and told her how upset I was with her. Even though it made her feel bad, I also told her that I don't think I want to talk to her the next day (we normally talk everyday). She knew what she was trying to do to me and it backfired. A few hours have passed since then and I'm still disappointed and don't have the desire to speak. I know that she'll be wanting to speak with me tomorrow, so I turned my phone off. I love her, but I've let her slide and have been passive with too many things. I see this as a way of "punishing" her as well. If I can be "in the doghouse," then why can't she? I look at it as negative reinforcement. I'm not doing this to play games or hurt her anymore than she may be already. The fact remains that she got herself into this and, now she's going to have to face the consequences of her actions. Plain and simple. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it's wrong that I'm choosing not to speak with her?
  21. My fiancee has been away for quite some time now (military). She finished her basic training a few months ago, and now we get to communicate more often. Everything has been going great up until about last week. Now, it's like she doesn't even pay as much attention to me or consider me as much as she used to. Everytime I would text her, she would reply. Now, it's like she just glances at my messages without a thought of getting back to me. Sometimes, I think she actually makes me wait. She doesn't even text me during the day to show that she's thinking of me. She'll do it in the morning not just to do it but because she feels obligated to, yet she wants me to text her every single chance I get. There are also times when I know that she isn't doing much, yet she still won't respond to my messages. When we get on the phone shortly during the day, she always says that she has to go because of minutes. I think to myself "If you knew we couldn't talk much in the first place, then why would you call me?" She also used to tell me exactly why she had to get off the phone, but now I have to ask and it makes me feel like I'm clingy or something. All she says now is "I have to go," yet she ALWAYS asks me WHY I have to go. Then there are things that she will do just to test me like being somewhere and having another guy in the background. I'm not the jealous type, so it doesn't bother me, but we don't get to talk and I'm missing her like crazy as it is. There's no room for games like that. When we are on the phone, she doesn't pay much attention and can be very insulting. We are going in circles over this, and I just want it to stop once and for all. We try to talk about it, but it's like it goes over her head, so I wrote her. (PM me if you would like to read the email I sent her.) Latley, talking about making love and how much we want to be with each other has been the easiest of things to discuss. Could sexual frustration cause something like this? I'm looking forward to what you all think of this. Thanks
  22. hi there everyone well my long term girlfriend and current fiancee is a virgin, I have respected that aspect of her life for the duration of the relationship because its a beautiful thing, and I wish i would have done the same. We do engage in sexual activities, mostly she gives me hanjobs or blowjobs. I love going down on a woman, and I really wanna taste her sweet juices, but she is afraid that I would pop her cherry. My question is, can oral sex on a woman break her hymen? I mean with out the insertion of the tongue or anything. Also, if there are some people here that had a similar experience, can you please give me a few pointers on what to do in the bedroom, cause we are really running out of ideas (she is not into anal sex at all). thanks
  23. ....and whatnot. For those who participated in my last thread and need to be refreshed and those who haven't read it: That post of mine really needs to be read to understand the following thread I'm making so I can get accurate advice. Please and thank you. And I'm aware both posts are really long but god I need some advice badly. Pleaaaaaaase help. Anyway, I tried to get over it, I tried to not let it bother me, tried to tell myself the past was the past. But something in me would not let it go. I've always had excellent intuition. Then, we got into an argument with the neighbors (the ones who are always hanging around that slutty 14 year old.) Apparently some other neighbors told us that they were going around saying the only reason why me and my fiancee were engaged was because I'm pregnant (which I'm not.) So I went over there to have a few words with them, tried to be fair and listen to their side. They of course denied it. I said something along the lines of, "You know, I've heard a lot of things about you guys but I keep it to myself, yet I'm hearing that you guys are spreading rumors about me. I've not spread stuff about you..." And the guy was like, "You know what, I'm sure you have heard some things about me, but you don't know about your boyfriend. He's no angel, he's done some shady things himself." And I was like, "Like what? Explain." And neighbor-dude just shook his head and said 'Naaah, we've been friends too long and I don't tell people's business. And that should be proof that we're not spreading rumors about you." I left and went back to the house and my boyfriend got mad, because he believed that they WERE the people who spread it, so he went over there and they got into an argument. He came back. Then the other day, the neighbors younger brother was over, and he was annoying the hell out of my fiancee. My fiancee had an unusually short temper this day and threw the phone at the kid, which really pissed me off. It didn't hit him or anything but the neighbor kid went off on him and went and told his brother (the neighbor I previously mentioned.) The neighbor bust in through the door, threw my boyfriend to the ground and started beating the hell out of him. I called the police and the neighbor said "Don't call the police, you don't even know the half of it." But I just ignored him and he went outside. My fiancee was smart enough (or weak heh, he's really skinny but tall) to not fight back, knowing he could also catch assault charges. But the neighbor guy (let's call him Tim) was throwing him everywhere and then was on top of him and by this point his girlfriend had come inside and I told her she'd better stop all of this, but she was too scared. He has hit her before in rages. So I went over to him and tried to pull him off my boyfriend, but he was way too strong. I even punched him in the back in an effort to get him to stop. By this point his younger tattletale brother had also realised my fiancee had had ENOUGH and was begging his brother to stop. Tim got up and turned around and looked me in the eye. I at first thought he was about to hit me too but he was like, "You don't know a THING about your boyfriend like you think you do. You think he's so wonderful? You want me to stop hurting your wonderful man? Let me tell you straight up, I know some interesting things that you should know about him." My boyfriend got up and moved into the living room, his face was a MESS. My heart practically stopped when the neighbor guy (Tim) said that. I just knew it was something.. something... . I said, "What???" I then told him to go outside, and told his girffriend and brother they too needed to go outside, so I could hear this. We went outside and he said, "You know that young 14 year old girl that comes over to my house and watches my kids? YOur boyfriend tried to **** with her. Right when you were laying in the back asleep." I was like, "Oh my ******* god, are you serious?" He looked me dead in the eyes and swore on his children, and his girlfriend also confirmed it was TRUE. Tim gave me a cigarette and said "Look, I'm telling you the truth. I covered for him before but i'm not going to now. He's no longer a buddy of mine." I told him that my boyfriend told me that TIM was the one who had had sex with her. He said, "NO, he's just trying to cover up what he did." THe police came by then and I was in a rage. my boyfriend kept saying "They're lying, they're lying, everyone knows they're lying!" And it's a small county, everyone knows everyone. He knew the cops, he tried to get the cops to tell me that he's not like that, he doesn't mess with kids and so on. I was in a rage and told them to mind their business, how do they know what people do behind closed doors? They put Tim in the police car and he kept saying, "I swear, I swear on my two kids, this happened. He took us to the store and kept trying to mess with her, I swear to it." I looked dead into his eyes. No one has ever looked more honest. I asked his girlfriend for her (the 14 year old's) number. I called her, was all nice and stuff, cause I didn't want to scare her like that one time I went over there and um, cussed her out for hitting on my man. Now I see why she did that- cause she was under the impression he wanted her. Makes sense now. Anyway, I explained to her who I was and what her friends the neighbors had told me. I asked if this was true. She said, with no hesitation, "Yes, your fiancee tried to get me to show him my breasts and told me to give him head." I was disgusted, absolutely disgusted. I couldn't even speak. My boyfriend was like, "She's just covering for him, they probably schemed this up the other week after they got mad at us!" Yeah. Right. Just so happens the very thing I was suspicious about in the first place is what they happened to accuse him of. But we didn't have time to talk, My boyfriend went to the magistrate's office to press charges and then had to go to the emergency room but kept calling me from the hospital desperately, trying to convince me he was telling the truth and the other guy was just lying because he was angry and trying to get back at him. But my intuition was telling me otherwise. 'cause like one person said in my other thread, that little girl didn't come over acting like that towards him for nothing! Plus the day the neighbor is talking about is a day I was suspicious about anyway, when she (the 14 year old) and the neighbor guy was here, cause my man was working on his computer, I just had a weird feeling about that for some reason. So the entire next day, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me they were lying, even getting angry with me for wanting to believe it! He kept swearing up and down that he would never even look at a kid like that, and his past is just his past, and so on and so on and blah blah blah, and kept getting an attitude and denying it like all hell. Saying how he loves me and wouldn't do that stuff to me and etc etc etc and why would he want anyone else when he's got a grown * * * woman at the house and etc etc etc. So the neeeext day I went investigating. I was slightly comforted by all the "I love yous" and "I would never do some * * * * like that" and so on and so on, but in the back of my mind, I knew. I just KNEW. I'm not stupid, and I'm certainly not naive. My intuition is so good that I can piece together a story out of the tiniest of details. So when he was at work yesterday, I went next door and talked to the neighbors. It was only the girlfriend there at first, and we talked girl to girl and we talked about the nature of men and so on and she told me that my boyfriend was just like hers, a player and had always been like that. And that last year, he was trying to get with a bunch of 16 year old cashiers that worked where she had worked, and he's always liked young girls, and he's always been a player. She was forthright with me; she told me her boyfriend was also a player and he and my boyfriend had been friends for years and would go out to bars and my fiancee is a bad influence on Tim and Tim is likewise a bad influence on my fiancee. She said her boyfriend has cheated on her so many times and a lot of the times my fiancee has happened to be around and that is why she didn't particularly want my fiancee around her man and if I was smart, I wouldn't want her man around mine either. She did say that my fiancee might really love me but was trying to be bad-@ss and show Tim he could still be a player so he wouldn't think he went soft, and maybe that was all. Then Tim came home ( he had made bail the night before) and told me more about the story, confirming that yeah, my fiancee has always been a player, but yeah it could be possible that he was trying to act bad in front of him as they hadn't really hung out as much as they used to in the past year or so. But he also said the 14 year old is a cute girl, and looks older than her age, and maybe he was just trying to get some "strange." He told me he was sorry about beating my boyfriend but he wasn't going to recant what he said. He swore he was telling me the truth. After spending an hour with those two my intuition was telling me they were being dead honest with me. So I went back home and waited for my fiancee, and then I was so goddamn furious that I couldn't even talk to him. I didn't even want to LOOK at him. So I was being a total bitcb but not giving him any reasons as to why. He is not stupid however, and had some idea. He was like, "What the * * * * have they said now??? I'm going to go over there, and have a talk with them." and blah blah and so on. I had to stop him several times from going over there. He kept getting an attitude and raising his voice at me and saying "GODDAMMIT, I didn't try to do anything with that girl!" I got enraged and called him a "child molestor." He was getting furious, pledging his undying love for me and how he would never cheat and how he never said a thing to that girl, and how they were all lying to get back at him. Then the neighbor's girlfriend came over and asked me to watch her kids for a few minutes while she went to get her boyfriend. My boyfriend was all like, "Tell her, tell her I'm not like that, tell her!" She said, "I can't tell her that, I know what happened, Tina (The 14 year old's name) told me everything and so did Tim." She left and we watched her kids. My fiancee kept trying to talk to me the whole time and I was so sickened/upset/disgusted/hurt that I didn't say anything unless it was to be a * * * * *. He kept getting angrier and angrier. By the time the neighbor girl got back there was a very clear chill in the room. She told my fiancee that Tim wanted to apologize for hurting him like that (heh probably just to get the charges dropped.) My fiancee said, "Fine, I'll go talk to him. I need to talk to him anyway." He flew out the door. Mary (neighbor girl) said "do you want to come chill with us for a while?" I was like, "I would, but I have a feeling my fiancee is gonna go over there and tell Tim that he'll drop the charges if he lies for him and covers for him so he gets out of this mess! Go listen and go find out and I'll come over tomorrow and find out what happened!" She was like "Okay!" Partners in crime already. So my fiancee comes back 30 minutes later, surprise surprise, telling me that Tim wants to talk to me and tell me he only said that so called bull * * * * cause he was mad. Surprise, surprise. I was like "Honey you can say all you want to, my intuition has never failed me in the past and I know they were telling me the truth. And I know you went over there to get Tim to cover for you." He was like, "Whatever, go ask him!" I went and told Tim, "Don't even bother covering for him, I already know the truth." He turned away from me and continued cooking their dinner and I sat on the couch next to Mary. She was whispering, "Your fiancee came over here begging Tim to "fix this" situation, telling us how much he loved you and so on and so on, how he wants him to tell you it was a lie so things can go back to the way they were. I told Tim if he dares lie to you after he's already told you and looked you in the eyes and told you the truth, then me and him will have problems." I was so not surprised. Then Tim finally walked out and opened his mouth and I was like "Don't even bother, I know the truth." He smiled and was like, "You're right, it was the truth, I can't lie to you. No matter what he says. I'm not a very good liar anyway." He then said, "But honestly, he does love you. I've never seen him act like that over any female. He's never admitted to me that he's loved any female before, I've never seen him begging like that to fix a situation involving a female. He said you're different." I was like, "How?" He and Mary answered, "He's in love with you, he really is." Tim continued on to say "yes it did happen, and I don't know whether he would have done anything with Tina if she had said yes. But maybe he was just trying to act bad-@ss around me because we types of dudes don't like to show emotions around eachother. But I do believe he really does love you or he never would have told me of all people that. He;'s so worried about losing you over this. I can't say though, whether he would have done anything with her or not. She told him no." I thanked them for their honesty and went back to the house where my anxious fiancee was awaiting. "See what did I tell you? I told you !" I smiled at him, I was going practically insane at this point, I was so confused as to his motives and I just felt like laughing in his face, strangely. I was like, "Actually, they still refuse to cover for you." He got angry and went over there again and came back all mad. Then we went to bed and I couldn't lay beside him. I felt sick. I tried to go in the next room but he stopped me saying we needed to talk about this. He kept swearing up and down (as he has been) that it wasn't true, Tim was just saying that cause he was mad and he would never do anything like that to me, he's never loved anyone like he loves me, and so on and so on. He said Tim slept with the 14 year old (this I do believe, knowing that Tim is a cheater, his own girl even admitted to it.) and didn't want Mary to know, and if he changes his story now the real truth might come out and Mary would leave Tim and so on. I just knew my fiancee was lying to me. It went on like this for 2 or 3 hours. I sat there listening to his declarations of love and started thinking to myself... how would I go about manipulating the truth out of him? I am not a manipulative person by nature, however, I figured it was due as he's been manipulating my mind all of these months. I thought I'd use reverse pyschology, in a way. I knew my fury was doing no good to get the truth out of him. So this is how I went about it: (and for those thinking this story ends well, thinking optimistically, oh, her fiancee never would have done anything like that! Think again) I calmed down (oh it was all pretend... I was still madder than hell.) and started speaking all softly and gently to him. I knew his worst fear at the moment was losing me, and I knew I had to alleviate that fear or I would never get the truth. I decided I would also supply him with an excuse and see if he would bite. So I gently said, "look. Maybe you were only saying those things to look bad-@ss in front of Tim. Maybe you never really had any intentions of doing anything with that girl, maybe you never even wanted to. Maybe it was all about portraying an image in front of an old friend that you used to behave badly with. If that's the case, just tell me. We could talk things through if that's the case." He got silent. Then said, "(My name here), I really DO love you. I love you." And then got silent again. I knew I almost had him. So I continued: "Look, if that's what it was, just tell me. I deserve to know the truth." (Here, my voice genuinely cracked and tears came into my voice. It was very real cause I really WAS close to crying yet very perfect for the manipulative tactic I was going for.) "I've been honest with you and I've never done you wrong. I may not be the most wonderfullest person in the world but I am a good person, and you know that. I try to live my life honestly. I don't deserve to be lied to. I deserve the truth. I just want to hear the truth. I need to hear the truth. And we can talk things out afterward, and see how we'd go about mending things." He was very silent. Again. Then said, "You'll seriously talk with me?" And that's when I knew I had him. Even though my heart knew the truth, I felt some serious pain hearing that, because that alone told me all I needed to know, and confirmed the reality I already knew. I continued to keep calm although my voice was wavering. "Yes," I said. "We'll talk about this. Just please tell me the truth, I deserve the truth." He sighed and said, "Okay. That day I was in the computer room and Tim came to the door wanting me to burn him a DVD and fix his computer. That girl was with him, I really didn't pay her any attention. Me and Tim went into the computer room and the girl sat on the couch and watched TV. I didn't even look at her! Tim was telling me how he had sex with her, he was whispering so she couldn't hear. I was just being immature, trying to be bad-@ss. I said, 'watch this.' But stopped knowing it was wrong and didn't say anything. Tim egged me on and said do it man, come on, it'll be funny. I know you're good for talking * * * *. I said naah, man, but he told me to quit being a p-ussy. So I said that stuff, but I wasn't even looking at her! I swear! I was looking at the computer screen when I said it. I knew it was wrong, I knew she was a kid and I felt bad for doing it." I started getting angry then and my facade slipped a little. "Yeah. You felt so bad yet kept on harassing this girl when you took Tim and her to the store. That says to me you didn't want to take her no for an answer, because I know you and I know perfectly well you DON'T take no for an answer." At first he kept denying that he even took them to the store and said he said ONE thing to that girl, but kept on asserting how much he loved me and how guilty he felt. I kept hounding him for the truth and he finally admitted that yeah, he did say stuff to her in the car but it was because Tim kept elbowing him supposedly and whispering "do it man, do it." And he felt peer pressured and didn't want Tim to call him a p-ussy. I got furious and my facade disappeared completely. I said, "But you're a grown MAN! How could you sit there and say things like that to a CHILD??? She's a little girl! Just because she looks developed doesn't mean it's okay for you to talk to her like that. Even 17 would be too damn young for you!" He said, "I know, even 18 would be in my eyes really. I wasn't even going to mess with her, I was just trying to look bad in front of Tim! I swear it." I got even more pissed and called him a child molestor and cried and all of that, and told him he could get in serious trouble if the girl's parents found out. It's a crime here, it's a felony. To even say such things to a child. And I couldn't comprehend how, even if it was just to look a certain way in front of his friend, why he would say things to a KID like that. What if it was the little 11 year old accross the street? Would he say those things to HER?? "NO, I wouldn't!" He said. Yet, you say them to a 14 year old????? She's a child also, what's the difference here? He said he couldn't really tell how young she was. Um, excuse me? You can look at her and tell she's a kid, or so I thought you said. "Yeah, I know but I didn't know she was that young! I didn't want her anyway, all I want is you!" and so on and so on. And see, a few weeks after this incident had occurred, (when I was none the wiser) Tim had came over to chat and then my fiancee had followed him inside. Then he came back inside telling me that Tim was having sex with the 14 year old behind Mary's back. I asked how old she was, and he said Tim had said she was 14. My fiancee was laughing rather nervously, now I know exactly why. Apparently this was the second time Tim was describing how he had sex with her to my fiancee. And my fiancee was clearly laughing nervously because he had found out how old that girl really was and had just found out that he was hitting on a CHILD. My fiancee tried to say that since he told me about that one time that young girl was hitting on him, means he really didn't want her. In his logic, if he had, he would have talked to her then and hit on her again, instead he was rude to her. And a week before that she had come to the door asking for cigarettes and he shut the door in her face. Another time she came out flouncing around and asked for cigs, and he told her he doesn't give cigarettes to kids. Which I had heard. But this proves NOTHING because I now think he didn't think she was only 14. Cause quite honestly, the girl could pass for 17 or 18, face looking rather young but fabulous adult girl body. And then when he found out, he was then disgusted with himself. But before that when he thought she was older... I think he wanted her..... it's all a mess. But after many nights of arguing over this, I was just ready to leave him and made plans to do so. He was honestly devastated, crying and carrying on. Then he got a phone call from his dad, who told him he has cancer, and asked him if we could come to Illinois to visit him. He begged me to. I refused, saying "why? I'm leaving you." He started crying and his dad asked to talk to me. His dad didn't know what was going on but asked me to please come and said we just needed to get away from the stress of the county we live in, oh if he really knew. I couldn't say no though, I just couldn't. So I told him we would both definitely go. I told my fiancee later that after the trip to Illinois that we were over, and I would only act nice so not to disrupt his dad. I also told him this would show him the good woman that I am, that he lost when he decided to be unfaithful (or try to be anyway. But same thing in my eyes.) I told him this would show him the person that I am. The good woman I am, because I was there to support him and his dad through his struggle despite what he did. During that weekend in Illinois we talked at night and he kept trying to convince me that he really was trying to look bad around Tim. And when I first met my fiancee he was trying to portray someone he was not to impress me and my friends to. Then as he got to know me better and realized what a real person I am, my influence started rubbing off on him and he stopped caring what people thought about him. He started acting like HIMSELF, with a few lapses here and there everytime a male friend was around. *rolls eyes* And when this incident had happened, it was at the begginning of our relationship when yes, he DID try to act bad- * * * around his friends. So I started conceding to his word and slowly felt myself being convinced. I didn't want to leave him, I love him and I KNOW he loves me, he never would have expressed such emotion in front of Tim of all people if he didn't. He made it clear he knew it was wrong but said he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me and I would see in the long run, and he would prove himself to me, and nothing like that would ever happen again. He said he was through trying to impress his friends. I started to believe him. I figured, well that one day when that 14 year old was hitting on him, he DID run in and tell me. If he really wanted her wouldn't he have tried to talk to her then? He said when she started acting like that he knew he had messed up, cause she had got it into her head that he had really wanted her. He said the whole thing was a joke and Tim was encouraging him to do it and he thought everyone knew it was a joke. (See how the story shifted slightly from the first time he told it?) We came back and were okay for a couple of days, or so I pretended. I still had investigating to do. And I couldn't help myself, I still kept asking him questions. I wanted to know why couldn't he have just told Tim he had a girl in the back that he was with, and wasn't going to hit on anyone else? His response was that peer pressure was a * * * * * but he would never screw up like that again. But then he told me that he DID talk to Tim about me. He said Tim had asked about me, asked where I was at and who I was, saying I was 'hot.' he was telling Tim how he was gonna marry me someday, how I was different from all the other girls and I treated him good. He asked him if he was proud of him for landing me. My fiancee was trying to prove that he was really thinking about me the whole time and didn't want that girl... but why was it that Tim had to bring me up, and my fiancee didn't? HMMMMMMMM. Then he stopped and I wondered if that was ALL he said. I knew, just knew, as my intuition has been guiding me well, that there was more that he said. I kept prodding him until he said, "You're going to be angry when I tell you what I told him." I told him I couldn't be any more angry than I already am. He said, "Well this should be proof that I was trying to act bad around Tim. I told him that I stole you from your ex because we had sex and you fell in love with me after that because I was so good in bed." I was like, "what????" It was a complete lie. I was already done with my ex when I started seeing my fiancee. Nervously and shamedfaced, he continued. "I also showed him how we had went through nearly a box of condoms within a week." I was mildly pissed that he lied and made himself out to be a sexgod but it did seem to make sense, that he was trying to look a certain way in front of his friend. So I was again convinced. But I still kept questioning myself. So I told Mary I wanted to talk with Tina (the 14 year old) in more depth and detail about this situation. I really need to talk to Tim but he's been working a lot so I've not been able to. I need to confirm if this is true, the stuff about him supposedly egging my fiancee on to do it, and so on. So yesterday my fiancee was outside talking to a neighbor and Mary brought Tina over. They assumed my fiancee wasn't gonna be there cause they didn't want to be around him. (You know it turns out, Mary who I had previously dismissed as white trash, has been very helpful and friendly in all this drama). But my fiancee saw them and came running back in, I think to intimidate the 14 year old into covering for him. He kept saying, "I want to get this * * * * straight TODAY, cause I'm tired of arguing about it. Tell her, tell her that it was just a joke." The 14 year old timidly said "I'm sorry but if it was a joke, I didn't know it... I didn't think it was." He was like, "Tim was telling me the whole time to do it!!! I barely even looked at you! Tell her!" SHe was getting flustered and intimidated. I got angry and told my fiancee to leave the house for the moment so we girls could talk. So he did and Mary told the girl to tell me how the whole story. I acted very nice to avoid intimidating her, and she got really friendly, comfortable, and opened up. I found out that she has just turned 15. By the way, she definiitely could pass for 17 or 18. I would never look at her and think, "hmm, must be 14 or 15." No, anyone would think she was 17/18. She said yes she and Tim came over here so a DVD could be burnt and so my fiancee could fix his computer. She said Yes, she sat on the couch and was watching TV but contrary to what my fiancee says, she went into the computer room several times to see what they were doing, and she said my fiancee was looking at her up and down and started making those perverted comments towards her. She said yeah he was ignoring her at first and yeah the dudes were in the room with the music on but after a couple of times of her walking in there, he started saying all that stuff to her and continued saying it when he took them to the store. Stuff like, show me your breasts and give me head. She also said that he was like, "my girfriend is in the back asleep, she'll never know.. c'moooon, she's asleep, she doesn't have to know.." She said after that though, he never hit on her again or even talked to her. I asked her to explain that one day she was supposedly hitting on him. She said (and she looked to be honest) that she thought she was just being friendly, and she didn't ask for a hug like he claimed. She said he was being rude in response and she had said, "what you can't talk to nobody?" and he was like "nope." And she said yes, she said "Does she have you on lockdown" but it wasn't meant to be a come-on. And he said, "Yep." And Mary (Tim's girlfriend) told me that Tim never said a thing to her about telling my fiancee to do it cause it'd be funny. ANd if he did he would have told her, she said. And Tina, the 14 year old (now 15 year old) told me she didn't hear Tim saying anything like that but she didn't know. So after telling me all of that the two girls went back to the house and my fiancee came back wanting to know what was said. I was like, "How interesting, you claim you barely even looked at her, and that she sat on the couch the whole time, yet she says she walked in the computer room several times to see what you two were doing and you were looking her UP AND DOWN and hitting on her." He kept denying that she even went in there, and if she did, "he didn't really know it." And he swore up and down he "was NOT looking her up and down." And he said "of course Tim's not going to tell Mary that he was egging me on to talk that * * * * to the girl, cause he doesn't want to get in trouble with her. She would get mad over something like that, and he's also covering for himself, he doesn't want her to know he slept with the girl." He got angry and went next door and got the now-15-year old to come back over. I first made him apologise to her. He looked at her with an ashamed look (I could see it CLEARLY) and said "Look, I didn't mean anything by it, I was just joking, I thought you knew it was a joke. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive." But then said "I was not looking you up and down though, tell her, tell her." The girl said, "I'm sorry, but you WERE.." And i told her to demonstrate how he did it and she did. He kept denying it and said "Look, I'm sorry if I did look you up and down, I didn';t think that i did. I love (My name inserted here) and I'm going to marry her. Look at her ring, look at it. I love her." The girl politely looked and was like, "That's awesome, I'm glad for you two, I hope everything is cool now???" And pretty much told him to calm down and just chill cause he kept going on about "it was just a joke, I didn't mean nothing by it, I love (my name here) " and blah blah. So she went back next door to Tim and Mary. .............But after seeing her up close and personal and really LOOKING at her, I've got a theory. I don't believe my fiancee had any idea she was 14. I believe he probably figured her for 17 or 18 like I said. I don't know if Tim egged him on or not- I've got to talk to Tim and who knows if he will admit to that, cause if he does he'll be in serious trouble with his girl, and he would have to explain why exactly he'd be egging him on... and that would probably lead to him having to confess about sleeping with that kid. And Mary would kill him, just kill him. So even though he's been honest, he's still one of those unmoralistic sorts, and he's got to protect his own butt now. I doubt he would admit if he was egging my fiancee on to do it. But my fiancee said himself, he knew she was young but didn't know she was THAT young. That kind of tells me something right there. It's like he was thinking, "I know she's a teenager but likely a older teenager and hopefully legal." Then when he found out from Tim how old she was that day.... . THAT'S when he started acting cold towards her and that's why he ran in and told me when she was supposedly 'flirting' cause he was starting to think of possible legal ramifications, and didn't want anyone to think he liked young girls. He probably, like I said, thought she was 18, and felt disgusted with himself when he found out her true age.... hence his change of attitude towards her. He was probably like, "dammit, she thinks I like her now, and since she's a kid that's not good, not good at alll.." and had to cover things up really quick. Maybe he really DID want to do things with her, why the hell else would he say it. And like I said, she has an awesome body, she told me herself older guys are ALWAYS mistaking her for being 18 and are always trying to have sex with her. I do believe YES my fiancee loves me and right now at this point in our relationship would not do anything stupid with another female. He is by my side 24/7, when he gets off work he comes right home and doesn't want to do anything without me. But the fact remains, he did what he did. And could easily do it again if his feelings start fading in the future. I don't know what to do... please help. What does everyone think about this situation? Do you think he truly had intent? PLEASE HELP.
  24. I need help, something is REALLY troubling me about my fiancee. He is really awesome, caring loving smart, funny, fun, and energetic and all of that good stuff. And he never looks at other females whatsoever and emphatically says how he would never cheat and etc. However I found out from the wife of a friend of his who has known him for 8 or 9 years about his past. She said now he is different no doubt, but back in the day he would talk to 5 girls on the phone at once (well, he would call one and right after he talked to her he'd call up the next and so on.) She said he was like a player, though she did say he wasn't really serious with any of them or anything like that, but still. Also I found out that when he was 19 he was sleeping with a 14 year old girl! Oh my god. Isn't that seriously wrong, or am I just overreacting? Also when he was like 21 or 22 he was sleeping with a 16 year old, who was in my grade at the time. (I am nearly 21 and he is nearly 26 so the age difference isn't anything now, but back then I probably would have found him to be too old!) Anyhow he denied the part about talking to all those girls at once, but did admit to the underage girls saying that it was a mistake and he knows better now. I'm not sure if the many girls thing is true because he is a VERY chatty person who is ALWAYS calling people so maybe that's what that was, and that's what his friend's wife observed and mistook it for something else. However, though he says it was a mistake to do what he did, (I mean a 14 year old for christ's sake), I cannot forget about it. It keeps coming back up in my mind, I know it is the past and he was younger then but it bothers me. In my mind, that's child molestation! But here in this county where I live, (in the south) it seems so common for all of these guys to mess around with girls that young. It really sickens me, for example the next door neighbor who is 20 cheated on his 17 year old girlfriend with their 14 year old babysitter! WHat is the world coming to? But back to the situation... what does everyone think about this? Is is right to question this or should I let it go as it's in the past? And am I overreacting? I mean, I know when guys are younger and in their teens they're immature and do stupid things they wouldn't do now. He used to get into a lot of trouble and did a lot of drugs and alcohol, which he doesn't do at all now. He's got a good steady job and has a 3 year old daughter from his first marriage, and he's wonderful to her. Should I be concerned, and is it really disgusting for 19 year olds to sleep with 14 year olds or am I just being all old fashioned and overreacting? Please heeeeeeelp, this is driving me crazy and making me doubt things. I posted this on another forum and did not get any answers, plus I've got something to add to this. Last night this neighbor kid was over, who is around 12/13, and he was expressing his disgust at the fact that his brother (who is the next door neighbor I mentioned earlier) is sleeping with a 14 year old. He expressed how he believed that was child molestation and how disgusted he was by it. I told him how proud I was that he was as young as he is yet knows the difference between right and wrong. My fiancee was silent as hell beside me. After the neighbor's brother left, I said something about "You know, he's right, it really IS child molestation.. . how could you have DONE something like that?" And he was annoyed (understandably, as I HAVE been bringing it up a lot lately) and said, "Look. I know it was wrong. I know at the time I was old enough to know better, but I was still younger and wild and at the time didn't give a f***. But I'm 25 goddamn years old, with a daughter, and I'd never do anything like that now. So please stop bringing it up, can we just drop it?." I was like, "That's like a convicted child molestor coming out of prison for his time served and saying, 'So what if I was a child molestor, I know it was wrong now, so let's not talk about it.' " He said, "I'm NOT a child molestor, so don't compare me to one. " I told him it's pretty much the same thing! You can't minimize the situation. You were SEXUALLY ATTRACTED to a CHILD. You had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a child, SEXUAL FEELINGS for a CHILD." He was like, "Let's just drop it," in the avoidance/denial sort of manner he's used to using. So I dropped it. But it's still bothering the HELL out of me. How can I make sense of it? I just can't drop this. What to do? ***** Edited cause I wanted to add some of my other posts under this thread so those who are coming back to read will understand the thing about the 14 year old girl..... ********* that girl next door btw, was hitting on him (my fiancee) a few months ago. Me and my aforementioned friend were sitting outside on the back steps, and my fiancee was in the front talking to this neighbor guy, and I heard the 14 year old come outside, and I heard her say to him, "heeeeeey, what's up, how have you been, can I get a hug or something?" And her tone, was definitely flirty. He said, "No" rudely, annoyed. And she said, "What, does she (referring to moi) got you on lockdown?" Little blonde ****. My fiancee responded, "Yes, and I Like it." then like a good boy, ran in the house and out the back door to tell me what happened, but naturally I had already heard. I went over and had 'words' with the girl and she hasn't said a word to him since, but I still wonder why she came outside all friendly and familiar with him, but he claims he barely even talked to her. He said the neighbor guy who is sleeping with her had brought her over one time when he was working on his computer but he basically ignored her and thought of her as a child. But my point to this story is, I was wondering why she thought she knew him well enough to ask for a HUG? He was angry when I asked him about that, and was ranting and raving about, "NO, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO ACCUSE ME OF THAT, I'M NOT A CHILD MOLESTOR LIKE THE NEIGHBOR" and so on and so on. I mean denying it and denying it and going on and on and onnnnnnn, until he had me and my friend convinced he was being honest. Then we find out this information about his past.. . so again he's being hypocritical towards someone as he's done the same thing himself. (And while you all may think the 14 year old was being perfectly innocent, she wasn't. She goes around talking about all the guys she's slept with and how many guys she's stolen from older girls... *********************************** So like I said, his actions say he wouldn't do such a thing... it's just the past indiscretions that make me wonder. His current actions don't make me suspicious, like I said, when that little 14 year old hottie next door hit on him he ran straight to me to report like a good little boy. Still wonder why she came out all flirty as if they've talked before, though... but he DID come to me and tell me what she said, and that's a good thing. Right?? *********** That's what my friend said. My friend believes he is completely innocent and it's the little tramp that started the whole thing. I pretty much believe that too, but because I'm so paranoid about these things I have doubt. But for the most part I believe him regarding that. But I must say, I believed him completely about that because he said he'd never ever mess with kids that young, and so on, and then I found out differently, which is why I have a slight doubt about that situation with that sl-ut now.
  25. life. My fiancee and I have had a lot of problems physically and mentally throughout this first year of our relationship and we've managed to overcome them. We've also had numerous problems financially. Everyday seemed to be a fight to overcome one problem or another. Eventually things started going smoothly. Or were we just being lulled into a false sense of security? Recently I started organising the wedding (Civil Ceremony in England) for next July. I telephoned the Registrar's Office and came up against a problem straight away because she's Austrailian. I was told to contact the Immigration Office. They informed me she has to be in England 7 days as a resident before we can make an appointment to go infront of them to get permission. Even I have to show my passport and I'm a British Citizen and was born here! I then phoned the Registrar again and pleaded with them to keep us a slot for our wedding on 21st July. They agreed to write it in provisionally. I just get that problem solved and then there's another one 'thrown' at us. I've found 2 lumps in my left breast! The doctor's confirmed them and I have to go to the hospital 17th August for x-rays, scans, etc. They've told me I'll be there for 4 hours! I'm not going to tell my 2 younger sisters or Dad because my Mother died of cancer in November 2000. They didn't cope very well then and I know they'll be more of a hinderance than a help now. It's usually me who has to hold them together and I'm finding it hard enough to hold me together right now. My Fiancee lives in Austrailia and she feels like she's letting me down but she hasn't got the finances at her disposal to jump on a plane right now. She's supporting me as much as she can emotionally. She understands what I'm going through because she's been through the same procedures before. I wish she was here to hold my hand through the whole thing. I'm worried because I have Fibromyalgia Syndrome (she has too) and that makes pain 10x worse for me than a 'normal' woman. The women I know that have had biopsies have all said that the procedure was painful for them. If that is the case what is it going to be like for me when they stick the needle into 2 individual lumps in my breast? I'm frightened! The irony is that when I was young I wanted to be a boy. When puberty came I wanted my breasts removed. That continued for most of my life! Last year I had to decide whether I was bi, a lesbian or wanted to have an operation to change my gender. Eventually I realised I was a lesbian and fell in love with my fiancee. She loved me for who I am and unconditionally. It was then that I realised for the first time in my life I loved my own body. In just over a week there's a possibility I have to make a major decision involving my body. Haven't my fiancee and I been through enough already?
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