BeStrongBeHappy

Oh no, no, no! this goes deeper than money. he is willing to use you to extend his own standard of living by letting you pay for all the 'fun', and he doesn't care whether this causes you hardship, even though he makes more money than you do?? he is not just cheap, he's also totally selfish. this is a person who loves himself, not you, and is manipulating you to his own advantage. some people are just users, and he's one of them. the best way to smoke out a user is to start comparing what they say with what they actually do. the *real* agenda is what he does, not what he says he is gonna do. and he is even *lying* to you in order to keep getting trips, meals, goodies, etc. from you, saying he will pay or pay you back when he obviously is not interested in paying his own way, but *very* interesting in using your money for the benefit of himself. who cares about his music etc. hobbies? his most obvious hobby is freeloading off of you... big LOSER alert, really, i'd just get rid of him. if you choose the slower path and try to get him to assume financial responsibility for himself (i.e., tell him you won't subsidize him anymore, refuse to pay for everything, etc.), he will just go find another woman who will subsidize him... so save yourself that heartache and just kick him to the curb (and make him pay for his own taxi home)...

let's look at your questions from a different perspective... has it occurred to you that you are only attracted to and pursuing *women* who are jerks, and not trying to date nice girls? hence the jerky women treat you badly and you are interpreting it as they don't want a good guy, when that's not it, they are just behaving badly? so no matter how nice you are to a woman who is a jerk, she will treat you badly, chase other men, never commit to you, etc. etc. so a woman who is a jerk would meet ALL of the conditions you listed by treating you badly, and it may have nothing to do with whether you are a good guy or bad guy, it has to do with the woman herself being a jerk... so look at your own choices in women and choose a nice girl, and she'll want a nice guy and treat you well...

a break usually means not seeing each other or dating at all, that you are not boyfriend/girlfriend anymore and he can see other people if he wants to. and that you may or may not get back together. are you sure he is not using this break to see or date another girl? i would just be sure that he didn't just ask for this break so that he could date someone else and not feel guilty about it, but still see you too. it really doesn't make sense to declare you two are on a break when you see each other all the time... i would ask him what exactly he wants from this break, and why he asked for it.

i wouldn't focus on a particular age or you might feel pressured to get married then when you are not with the right person... kind of like musical chairs, whomever you're with at the time, you marry... it used to be like that when people left high school or college... whomever their boyfriend was at the time, they married... but not a recipe for success at all... better to focus on what qualities you want/need in a partner and go looking for them, and when you find that person, then might be the right time to start thinking of marrying.

she's put up with it for 7 years... well, ever heard of the 7 year itch? that's about how long a lot of people put up with a bad marriage, then they bail. she may be waiting for the right opportunity (financially or mentally) and just hasn't done it yet. yeah, she might stay... but don't count on it, everybody has their limits...

if you want the marriage, then you have to tell the other woman that everything is over between you, no friendship, no calls, no visits, nothing. and if she calls, hang up on her, block her calls on your cellphone and in your email etc. change your phone number if you have to. let your wife know you have done this, and stick to it. good luck... as long as you're ambivalent and keep contact with the other woman, there is no hope for the marriage. you wife may surprize you too one day, and just up and leave you if you don't show her you're serious about staying totally faithful to her and stopping contact with your affair partner.

So this affair is NOT 7 years in the past, if you are still seeing the woman and slept with her 6 months ago... this is not a past affair, it is a current affair, regardless of how little or much you sleep together, or whether the sex is planned or not, you are still maintaining contact and engaging in sexual activities with a woman other than your wife so it is a current affair. by default, if you really want to save your marriage and get over the affair, you must immediately and permanently cut all contact with the affair partner. that's just the way it is, the first principle of getting over an affair is to discontinue ALL contact with the affair partner. you have to make a decision here, which is more important, your marriage or playing around on the side? you can disguise that contact as being 'friends' or whatever, but you obviously don't have the self control to be friends with this woman and NOT have sex with her. and being friends with her is obviously not good for your marriage. so this is a no brainer, get the affair partner out of your life totally, and right now, and let your wife know you are re-committing to the marriage. she may have subliminally known all along that you haven't really given up the affair, which you haven't! otherwise, if you really want to keep seeing this other woman and keep cheating on and off, then suck it up and take it when your wife throws the affair in your face, because she has a good reason to... your choice man, you can't have it both ways without having neverending problems...

is this relationship pretty new? sometimes in the beginning it is hard to figure out what is the right way to handle things... but the most important thing is realizing nobody is a mind reader and you have to ask and talk about things rather than trying to guess what someone likes or wants... so next time you get together, i'd tell him, 'you know, i saw you the other night but wasn't sure whether you wanted to be bothered while you were trying to get that paper done, or i would have come over and said hi..' and see what he says... he might say, yea, i saw you and wondered why, or thanks, i was really busy and needed to focus etc. that way you know what he likes, and have let him know you weren't avoiding him for other reasons... so in other words, keep communicating and ask him and don't try to assume one way or another what he might like or not like... that's what can lead to misunderstandings, when people jump to conclusions and are wrong...

it sounds like you want to 'fix' the problems and continue the relationship, and he's made it clear he's happier not doing that... he's also blowing you off when you try to reschedule to continue the conversation, so i think he's moved on, and you should too... if you think it will help you get closure you could talk to him again, but it really sounds like he's not interested it that, so it might just prolong your pain.

she sounds like she is floating in and out based on whatever plans she makes (or decides to break)... i wouldn't wait around for her or schedule any more time with her if she can't even boether to show up... that is being very disrespectful and she seems to just be dating whoever she pleases when she pleases. next time she calls and says she wants to come over, i'd be busy doing something else, and tell her you don't want to be half in and half out of the relationship based on her mood of the day...

i think you have hit that wall that a lot of age gap relationships hit... 20 years is a large gap, and you started together when she still was barely out of school and probably doesn't really know what she wants or who she is... because of your age, you have had more single experiences, and you know who you are and what you want, and she may feel differently, like she never really had time to be young and single... sometimes a real separation (not in the same house) can help at this point for her to try to find what she wants exclusive of you, but the risk is very high that she might choose to stay single and divorce. i really do think your best hope is counselling, but if she won't attend, then there is nothing much you can do about it. i would try to talk to her about it as much as you can, to try to negotiate into your lives together whatever she needs to be happy.. i.e., does she want to go to school? or spend more time going out? or travel some with you? you need to try to allow her freedom in the relationship to develop, but she may or may not want to put that effort in or to stay within the context of a marriage... good luck, i hope you can talk it out with her.

throwing this in your face 7 years later (assuming no other adultery has taken place since then) is really a form of emotional blackmail... i think she is getting leverage out of this, i.e., it is her trump card whenever she wants to win an argument or stick it to you because she is angry, and her get out of jail free card when she has done something wrong to you and doesn't want to take responsibility for it, she just points the finger back at you... marriages are never quite the same after an affair... the innocence of easy and automatic trust is gone, and it is work to reclaim that trust. however, after 7 years and assuming no more betrayals during that time, she is now using this as a club to beat you into submission rather than any real trust issue. if it were me, and i had worked hard for forgiveness and 7 years had passed, i would not put up with this... she uses this to put herself in the one up position, and really that is a dirty arguing tactic, not clean fighting to resolve issues... so you've got to sit her down and tell her if you are going to have disagreements, you need to argue about the real problem, not dredge up old history every day so she can feel like she has won every argument and put you in your place. if she can't learn to negotiate life with you with dragging this up, then i'd say talk to her and say, look, you never got over this, so we should break up since you never have gotten over it (assuming that is what you want to do). it was wrong of you to cheat, but it is also wrong of her to drag up the incident every single day for 7 years to give herself leverage in winning everyday arguments. it really sounds like you fight too much, and that is as big a problem as adultery in terms of making day to day life miserable and ruining a peaceful home4.

Mike you don't have to sell the house if the loss is too much, but the goal should probably be for one to buy out the other as the next best choice... you can look at how much down payment you both put in, and then balance that against the loss from the market as it is now... say if you both contributed $10K when you bought it, and the house would now only sell for what you put into it, i think it would be reasonable for you to get $5K from that downpayment back so you could buy a new house if you want on your own... yes, it is a very good time to buy now in the DC area, so maybe you could take that buyout cash and look for a nice smaller place for yourself. the goal should be just to split the assets by the time of divorce, so that you can get a clean start, so everything doesn't need to get moved next week, just by the time of divorce. if your name is still on the mortgage for that house, you cannot buy another house of your own until this is resolved though becuase you probably wouldn't qualify for the debt load. but if you still feel you need to own it jointly for a while and rent, that is OK too, but you have to have the deal spelled out very clearly in the property settlement divorce papers, i.e., the house will be rented by her for X dollars until X date then it goes on the market at a price determined by comparative market analysis by a realtor, then you split the proceeds 50/50... so as long as you have a firm business contract in hand at time of divorce that can be enforced for the house, that would be ok too... i think it would be ideal if her parents would co-sign and you get your half of the downpayment back out, but if that's not possible, then talk to a divorce attorney to make sure that the way you are dealing with the house is in writing so that is no confusion as to what happens with it ultimately. the thing you want to avoid is any effect her potential boyfriend might have in the future... once that relationship is out in the open, if you haven't got everything in writing, he could try to influence her to go for a bigger share of the assets etc. it unfortunately happens all the time, and he may not be a good guy... we already know he was someone willing to cheap with the wife of someone serving in Iraq, that's just low as a skunk... i hope this is not the case, but would not be surprized. if she was kissing people and telling you about it while you were in Iraq that is really terrible... you had other things on your mind to deal with than her disloyalty... it does sound like it went beyond kissing too, especially if she is in a hurry to break up, probably to be with the other guy. if she has a very strong moral sense maybe it didn't go beyond a kiss, but now she wants out because she feels guilty and wants to be free to pursue the other relationship. the 'secret' she is hiding that she doesn't want you to spill is probably because she doesn't want her parents to know what she has done with another guy, if they are not the type of people to take adultery lightly... i am really proud how maturely you are handling this! and it is great you are getting counseling to get adjusted and help you start your new life. too many people get stuck in bitterness and hatred, or a false hope for reconciliation, and counselling can really help to work through all those feelings and help you think clearly and recover more quickly. btw, why don't you take pen and paper with you to write down the questions the counsellor wants you to think about... it is hard sometimes to remember everything you are told during those sessions, especially when emotionally exhausted and a bit depressed, which is the norm when one first starts separating in a divorce. hang in there, it will get better!

30 times? once every 2 minitues? whoa, this is obsessive, not true love! get counselling to discover what drives u to be so dependent, in the face of reality..

Look my friend, i hate to say this, but is it possible she had an affair while you were in Iraq? people do NOT sneak around like that hiding phone calls and moody about everything if it is only a friend she is concerned about... if she says you can 'crush her' right now, maybe its because she's commiting adultery, and if you can prove it, it gives you leverage in a divorce... and maybe she feels guilty, but not ready to own up to an affair because she doesn't want to deal with the emotional fallout... btw, Virginia is a 'fault' state, so if she's at fault in the divorce (i.e., adultery), it does give you a bit of leverage in court... but better just to settle on your own because of the legal costs etc. could she still be involved in the affair, or maybe he is trying to dump her, or fighting with her about who knows what?? and sleeping at friends, or is she sleeping at boyfriends house?? really sounds suspicious to me... this is why i say it is best to split the assets cleanly, right away, no looking back, no ties. if you really want to know what she is up to, very easy to hire a private detective to find out... you don't want that boyfriend moving into the house either after your leave... i think you'd really feel even more angry and used then... but at this point, it sounds over, one way or another, so i'd hammer out a separation agreement and get it in writing, and don't refinance with her jointly... lots of people take financial hits selling houses in a divorce, but you get your life back, and a fresh start.

Are you a psych major or something that you would immediately jump to a 'mother figure' conclusion?? personally, i don't see anything in his history that would point to that problem... lots of people go to boarding schools, and it has nothing to do with any problems with their mothers... and the fact that he had a 6 year relationship is GOOD because he shows the ability to stay with someone, and the fact that he can go 3 years without a relationship is GOOD because it means he is willing to wait to find someone he thinks is good for him rather than just hooking up with anyone the second he is single... you are reading WAY too much into what he said, you don't even know him... you are overanalyzing him too, will never work in a relationship if you are projecting your own fears onto another person when it doesn't match the facts. your jumping to conclusions this quickly actually says more about you than it does about him... are you afraid of momma's boys for some reason, and expect everyone you meet to be one? he sounds like an OK guy to me, i'd give him a chance, but question myself as why i am so skittish about it... may have nothing to do with him, but to do with yourself.

there is a fundamental problem with her reason for the breakup... she can't live without you, so the only answer is to permanently live without you? that's kind of like saying, i'm starving to death, so i have to stop eating! then going to the fridge all the time and opening it and looking at the food and crying because you're so hungry... so really that excuse she gave you is kind of mental, or not the real reason she broke up... lots of people do not tell the truth (or the whole truth) when breaking up with someone. they tell a version that they think will go over well, or casts themselves in a better light than the true reasons for the breakup. my guess would be that she has found someone else at school that she is either interested in dating, or is already dating, and doesn't really want to break up with you and is very attached to you, but perhaps feels guilty about dating this guy while in a relationship with you. and she probably knows if you learn about this guy, YOU will be the one to break up with her and she is permanently out of your life, which she may not emotionally be ready to do or sure about yet... my suggestion would be next time she calls, call her bluff... first, ask her, are you *sure* the breakup is what you want, because you are wasting more energy being upset by the breakup than you would be if we just kept dating and you missed me a little. then ask her, is the real issue you've found someone else out there (and see how defensive she is about that). my final suggestion is to suggest you tell her to go to a school couselor to talk about her excessive dependence on you. if it is really true that she thinks about you constantly and cannot even function in her schoolwork, then she needs therapy. she should think about you happily, be recharged by your phone calls and visits from someone she loves, and miss you of course, but NOT to the point of endless weeping, inability to function, study etc. because she is thinking about you. that's not love, that's unhealthy infantile dependence. so try to get to the bottom of the dependence issues (or the lying). if she really does love you that much, then what she should be learning how to do is stand on her own two feet when you're not around, and enjoy your love and support when you are.

Long engagements are not a problem unless one of the partners doesn't really want to get married, and sets the date far away (or won't set the date at all) to prevent that... then keeps postponing the date again and again as the date gets nearer. He may have proposed only because she said she would leave if she didn't get a ring, and he is just pacifying her. woman might do the same, accept the proposal because she doesn't want to lose him (yet), but not sure if she really wants to marry him either. so a stall tactic that eventually blows up when the partner gets tired of waiting for the marriage to happen. but i think long engagements can actually PREVENT a lot of divorces. by that i mean, if you can't make the engagement work and last through a couple years engaged, then you won't make it through a marriage and shouldn't be getting married at all. Lots of people rush into marriage quickly because they think it will fix some problem in the relationship (it won't) or are afraid their partner is showing signs of a wandering eye and marriage will fix it (it doesn't).... etc. i hear the jokes about young 'starter marriages' all the time, 'i just finished my starter marriage..' i.e., a quickie year or two marriage in their 20s that ends rapidly in divorce. most of those marriages/divorces would be prevented if they had a longer engagement, and a lot of starter marriages these days are actually in lieu of a real engagement, they just get engaged, run off and get married within a few months later, then wonder, what was i thinking?? no time to really adjust to each other in a committed state, leaping into the marriage before really trying the idea of true commitment on for size in a decent engagement. so if you've got a good relationship this can go the distance, two years is nothing... considering you have to last 40-60 years to stay married your whole life, waiting 2 years to get married should be easy if you're compatible. btw, congratulations on your engagement!

you may not want to let her go, but may have no choice... so better not to spend hours torturing yourself over it (or harassing her)... you also seem to be suffering from a raging case of sexual jealousy, which does NOT recommend you to her, if the first thing you mention about her are her boobs and not wanting another guy to have her like her boobs are your prized possession... if the thing you are worried about is giving up big boobs, there are plenty of those out there... maybe she started to pick up on the fact that you were more interested in her boobs than her as a person?? the kiss of death on a relationship every time if a woman feels that's all your really interested in...

well, it is rude of them to make a display of their affection around you, and horrendous that they would take up with each other and betray you... don't hate her more than him, it takes two to tango.... people usually hate the person their former partner had an affair with as a way to potential keep the door open to the former partner returning, but really, both betrayals are equal and don't let him off easy compared to her. anyway, are you trying to date yourself? try to get out and meet people. if you start dating again, it might not be so painful to watch because you are getting out and trying to meet your own needs rather than fanning the flames of jealousy... the other advice is DON'T watch them together... if you see either of them at all, together or apart, just turn around and go the other way... no reason to rub salt in the wound...

well, that theory works unless she was 'spotting' when she thought it was her really her period... sometimes girls bleed a little when they ovulate, so if you mistake spotting for her period it's big trouble... women's cycles can be off all different lengths, due to stress, illness, medications etc. one can use the 'rhythm' method to try to avoid pregnancy, but it does have a failure rate over time... the only really safe way to avoid pregnancy is to use some form of birth control protection, all the time, every time...

well, the stock answer is the biggest erogenous zone is the brain! by that i mean, you can get someone totally turned on without even touching them if the chemistry between you is good, and then anywhere you touch is on the money... and if the chemistry is bad, you could hit all the erogenous zones at once, and nothing turns her on... so ask her what she likes, treat her right... talk to her about what you'd like to do to her... etc. everybody is different...

well, you have just entered the vast dangerous world of bringing other people into your sexual relationship. some people can be 'swingers' and handle it and enjoy it, but most of the time, it ends up with the relationship falling apart amid jealousy, mistrust, and accusations. a big no-no though among swingers is getting involved with ex-mates and people who have had other non-sexual connections with each other. too much emotional baggage and potential complications involved, which you are discovering yourself. they usually have lots of self imposed rules too, like not engaging in sex unless the partner is in the room too at the same time... rules to discourage any temptation to form outside emotional or sexual relationships with people other than their own partners. i really don't believe she is just 'doing this all for you.' she is WAY too enthusiastic about this and just leaping in with all kinds of suggestions to have sex that seems to be fun for HER. i suggest you tell her right away that you've decided this is NOT a good idea, and think long and hard before marrying her or continuing with this relationship. she may have been having a sexual relationship with her ex-husband all along, and is now just *thrilled* that you're willing to let her have her cake and eat it too... i agree with the other posters, recipe for disaster for you, especially with her ex-husband.

wow Aida, time for a fresh start! you are way too young to already be settling for second best, and having sex with someone else's boyfriend for jewelry. i think you really were more after the love than the money, so you should get some counseling to try to help you understand why you would even start this up, and put up with being 'second best'. no one deserves that, though i am sure he was quite the happy bloke having his cake and eating it too... really a lesson learned for you at a young age, that some people are so selfish they don't care who they use and hurt. take that knowledge and walk away and don't look back. and if you are having trouble doing that, sell some that jewelry to pay for a counselor to get you well and healthy and happy again.

when the immune system is under stress and affected by a cold, one CAN get cold sores at the same time... they are not the same virus, but can show up together... they are called 'cold' sores because they frequently break out when one has a cold due to fluctuations in the immune system... it won't hurt him otherwise, but he will be bathed in cold virus, and probably catch the cold himself via contact with himself afterwards... so he needs to soap up immediately afterwards... btw, exertion will probably give you a headache if you're sick, and more power to you if you can hold your breath long enough to do it!