BeStrongBeHappy

i would try to meet her in person as soon as possible. doesn't matter what age, until then have a real date with her you don't have all the data to decide whether to move forward or not... even people who are the same age meet face to fact and decide it won't work, and an age difference could be no problem, or a big problem based on what you think of her when you meet in person.

i say protect yourself first... if he quit having sex with you 2 years ago, that may be becasue he started hooking up with hookers instead. and as soon as you busted him and he was afraid you catch him at it, he's hot for you again for some kinky sex he'd been getting from hookers... his behavior is pretty obvious there. so get tested for STDs, and i'd be scared to have any kind of sex with him that exchanged body fluids, even with a condom, if he was into violent sex with hookers, which increases the infection rates for things like HIV since there could be blood exchanged or injuries to transmit the virus easier. and i could almost guarantee he'll go back to hookers again if he thinks you're not paying attention and have calmed down... he's taking no responsibility for it, which is a really bad sign... also worry about the financial issues and what he is lying about there too... even if debt is in your name, if it was incurred jointly during the marriage, or to pay for marital assets or uses, he may have to pay half of it back even if it was in your name only, if the judge orders it. the good news is you are in Calif., which is a community property state with some pretty tough laws about sharing wealth or debt, splitting assets or liabilities 50/50 in a divorce. i'd consult an attorney about how to get out of the marriage without devastating yourself financially, and get him to pick up half the debt. and if you are such bad debt, how is he getting money for these hookers? a judge would not look kindly on him spending marital assets on that while you go deeply into debt, so if you can prove even an approximate amount of marital assets he's squandered on paid (illegal!) sex, you might be able to get at least half that money back, awarded to you as a judgment against him in the divorce. so don't call his mother, call a private detective, and gather all the info you can, then call a LAWYER!

i think part of your problem here is that you actually started your relationship with him while you were married to someone else. he is obviously very comfortable with interfering with and not respecting other people's relationships, which could mean he doesn't really respect any bonds or promises if he doesn't feel like it. most people who respect marriage would not have been eager to tell a married woman he loved her, regardless of the circumstances, and would wait until she had made the decision to leave on her own. he may also be the type who wants what he doesn't have, and as soon as he has it, wants something else. he seems to be ping ponging back and forth quite happily between you and this other woman, and it is obviously suiting him quite well, but causing you a lot of pain.... i think it is likely he would continue this becuase it is his pattern, whether you married him or not. if it isn't with this woman, then someone else... most relationships that start as an affair (even an emotional though not physical one) do not go the distance. how can you ever really trust someone when your relationship started by deceiving someone else? both partners always wonder if their partner is now cheating with someone else, they the two of them cheated when they met each other. he has proven himself quite untrustworthy with this other woman, and many times, so i suggest you break it off with him and find someone else. this may just be his pattern, chasing unattainable or aloof women, and as soon as he gets them, he doesn't want them until they don't want him anymore. he also may be someone who avoids true intimacy, and keeps forming triangles to give himself the distance he needs... first it was you, he, and your husband, now it is you, he, and another woman... same dance, different partners...

classification as pedophile is usually based on the age of the child being taken advantage of, regardless of the perpetrator's age... that is common sense law based on the emotional and sexuality maturity of the child and whether they are able to make wise sexual decisions for themselves without parental consent and guidance. so the perpetrator is classed as a pedophile when they get sexually involved with children under the age of consent. i don't think they are ever likely to raise the age of consent anywhere to apply some 7 year rule, it just doesn't make sense. nor will be be ok for a 18 year old to date a 11 year old? (7 year gap)...no! nor ok for a 17 year old to date a 10 year old..no! etc. until a teenager reaches age of consent, dating anyone other than in a peer very close in age will just not fly, and anyone dating pre-pubscents won't fly at all... There are usually differing levels of severity and criminal sentences based on the child's age, i.e., penalties are less severe if the younger party is an older teen, and very severe if the child is pre-pubsecent. so there are already attempts in the law to handle cases where the age gap is not great, and the individuals involved of similar ages. but anyone under puberty is basically off limits for any kind of sexual activity, or the older individual involved is classed as a pedophile, and should be i really don't think the laws are unclear at all on this... slightly different in different localities but pretty clear. no one is going to put a 16 year old in jail as a pedophile when dating a 15 year old... or even an 17 year old a 16 year old... but a 17 year old and 10 year old, you bet, going to jail, and should!

did you ever get formally diagnosed as anorectic before, or get treatment for it? if so, you should probably go back to your therapist for a while to see what is making you repeat old patterns. lots of people worry about their weight, but have you actually stopped eating nutritious food, or cut back so much it is unhealthy and is you weight dropping below normal? if so, please see a therapist before it gets serious.

you can start with deleting her off your cell phone list and setting your phone to reject her calls... tryi to build a mental wall around yourself where contacting her just isn't part of the program. but if you keep calling her all the time, she might change her number which has the same effect as forgetting her number. so you don't want to get to that point where you're harassing her, so remind yourself of that... i think it would be better to focus on positive activities rather than trying to white knuckle thru the desire to call her... substitute something else to distract you whenever you feel like calling her, reading a book, turning on TV. you can also do something like leave you cell phone in the car or somewhere where you have to go way out of your way to get to the phone... so you've got to really think about it before picking up the phone. sorry, i wish there were an easy way to get thru those first days, but just keep busy and try not to dwell on it...

i would advise you to talk to a lawyer if you are seriously considering this... about things like which state to file in etc. since you are living in two different states. some states have better/worse divorce, child support payments, etc. laws, so i would investigate this. if she gets the jump on you and files first in a state other than where you live, it make make it more complicated for you. the divorce is usually handled out of wherever it is first filed if you are living in two places... she could also request full physical custody of the kids so you have limited access, especially if you are in another state, or get an order that you're not allowed to take them out of the state she lives in... so if she doesn't agree to get back together and work on this with you, you're probably better getting legal advice and moving forward... if you're not living together now and she has the kids with her, most like she will get full custody until the divorce is decided. so depending on if you want to try to get custody of the kids or not, you probably should talk to a lawyer about what's the best thing to do, especially with you in different states.

There is never a good time to leave anybody when they don't want to be left. It says something about him too, that he wants a box to check off, i.e., happy family holiday, but that is just hollow if the marriage is over already, and he is not accepting it. you have to give him time to adjust because obviously he didn't want the marriage to end. and i'm sure throwing the 'cheater' label on you makes him feel superior and justified in his anger... i.e., lots of people can't accept that a marriage can be dead even if there is no cheating involved. i think being overly caring or attentive with him during the initial separation may only confuse him and make him think you might want to come back and give him false hopes. you don't have to be cold, but treat him like you would a casual friend, not too close or involved with his feelings. so many people misinterpret guilt or kindness as an overture or a potential desire to return to the relationship, so i would definitely proceed with the separation if you do really intend to get divorced. plenty of people are alone on the holidays, divorced, separated, widowed, etc. and don't feel sorry for themselves. i just think he is in crisis right now, and angry for your decision to divorce rocking his world. you can't make him be ok, he has to work through this himself. and not suprizingly, lots of immature men immediately find another person when they realize their wife/girlfriend isn't coming back, because they are immature and need someone else to take care of them emotionally, so they go find someone else. so put your efforts into taking care of whatever needs to be done in the divorce, and making sure he understands you didn't intend to hurt him, but you are sure that a divorce is the right thing, and you will not be coming back. he can then move on.

i wouldn't normally advise a divorce straight off, but she is hanging out in bars, having frequent sexual contact with other people, has someone else's baby while married to you, and is now having an affair with a woman whom she refuses to give up... and i really wouldn't believe the 'just friends now' part considering her history. and of course she is also refusing marriage counseling when it is obviously called for... my gut feeling here says she is not willing to give up the security of marriage (financial or otherwise), but is dating freely behind your back and doing whatever she pleases, especially with you in a distant state. And the fact that she won't attend marriage counseling makes me think she doesn't want to work on improving or changing the marriage, she just wants to keep the status quo. A trial separation in this case is probably just a stalling tactic, where she hopes you will calm down and go back to business as usual (which sounds like you letting her run around and cheat on you). so i would try a few more times to get her into counseling, and if not, i would consult an attorney to discuss a legal separation and divorce. you also might want to talk to a counselor by yourself to give you suppport in the divorce, and help you get your children through the difficult times if you really feel a divorce is in order. btw, i hope you have had yourself tested for STDs... she is having unprotected sex with multiple people it appears, and you need to protect your own health.

it is always a gut punch to learn about a betrayal, so you are in shock right now. try to be kind to yourself and please don't make any big decisions until you have had time to digest this and you are thinking clearly. i agree with the prior poster who says you need to get marriage counseling for this. whenever there is infidelity in a marriage, it is so disruptive that it is frequently hard to get past the anger and hurt and get down to the real sources of the problem without professional help. and usually there needs to be an impartial referee to help you work through the problem to decide whether the marriage can be saved. you will never have the innocence you had before this, but you might be able to work through this awful time IF your wife wants to stay and to recommit to you and the marriage in such a way that you can restore enough trust to function. it is very normal to be angry at the cheater's affair partner, but DON'T focus too much on the guy who cheated with your wife. He is not entirely to blame because it takes two people to cheat, and your wife participated in this, so you need to deal with whatever is going on with your wife's feelings that she would do this, and between you and your wife. Since she has done this twice, there is obviously something going on with her or in your marriage that you both need to address. Focusing on him is just a red herring that takes away from that and accomplishes nothing but fanning the flames of jealousy and rage. Please make an appointment with a marriage counselor, and insist that your wife accompany you there. it will really help you figure out what you need to do, and help you move towards healing.

look, this sounds like a lot of torture to me... you are idolizing him, but he is saying stuff like you can't talk to him if you're with another guy, while at the same time HE is dating someone else??? he really sounds like the kind of person who wants a lot of girls fussing over him, while he is totally in control of the situation and doing anything he pleases. you need to stop and LOOK at what is really going on, not focus on some fantasy of how great this relationship MIGHT be... it just isn't, and he is jerking you around. You're posts are all about twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to please him and get him back and do what he wants, and he is just loving being the center of attention but not having to actually commit to anyone or even be nice! so please go into NC with this guy and give your head a chance to stop spinning so fast you can't see what is really going on with him. he doesn't sound that nice or that perfect or that *anything* but selfish. this is not the guy you are fantasizing about... that's your HOPE of who he will be, not the situation as it really is... please give yourself a break and move on... quit trying to figure out the chaos, chaos is what it is, constant upheaval that makes no real sense!

it sounds like she is just going to pop up somewhere to see you from her text message... i'd just decide what you want from her and tell her and be done... that is, if you might want her back then text her to call you if she breaks up with her boyfriend otherwise NC... but if you don't want her back, just tell her you want NC and quit responding to anything from her. she sounds a bit flakey/flighty, like she just wants to flit around among guys and keep her options open... do you want that? probably not...

you have to ask yourself, what were you upset about, and how did pushing him away help that... i think you were upset because you disappointed that he didn't have time, so turned around and 'punished' him when he changed his mind (or found he did have some time). he really has a valid reason for not getting together much right now, so i think your feelings were hurt and you overreacted when he did call... i agree, call and apologize and tell him you were disappointed at not seeing him before you left and a bit miffed from feeling like you weren't important. it is always better to always try to TALK before ACTING when you are angry... by that i mean, tell him what is upsetting you and why, and give him a chance to respond. little punishments like this never build communications or make him want to be with you... btw, have you considered or had counseling to do with the childhood molestation? it could really help you learn how to trust and overcome some of the problems that have developed because of that... it is hard to trust when one has been abused, and easy to blow up little problems into large ones, so i think counseling could really help you through this.

on the one hand, it does sounds like he is tired and stressed and overworked, so that could explain the shortness of temper. but he also told you that he doesn't want to do those romantic things he did in the beginning, and you seem to be a person that wants romance. so it is possible that he thinks he shouldn't have to be romantic anymore since he now has 'got' you. and he seems to believe that you needing romantic gestures is you being 'spoiled,' i.e., he htinks he shouldn't have to do anything romantic for you and you should still be happy. how much romance do you need? i think i would talk to him and tell him what you need, but agree that it doesn't have to be as often as in the beginning since he is so overworked right now. but if he refuses to give you any romance, or undercuts the need for it, you might seek out someone who is more natually romantic as a partner, rather than someone who only does it to get the person into the relationship, then doesn't want to do it at all anymore.

oh wow... i see the light too! yep, he is probably just not liking celibacy very much, and hoping you'll help him out there.... that explains it.... LOL!!

sounds like the parents are stalling the wedding hoping they can convince your fiance to break up with you... also sounds like your fiance hasn't grown up enough to stand up to his parents. if he's choosing their wishes over yours, then that won't made a good husband, he is not standing up for his own future wife. you also need to think about what he will do in the future, and the other numerous power struggles bound to happen over how to raise children, where you will live, etc. if his parents have too much control over him, you life will constantly be driven by what his parents want, not what you want. so i suggest you hold him firm to a particular (soon) wedding date and get clear that you as his wife take first priority, and if he waffles about this again, time to move on and find someone who is more committed to his wife than being a big baby and letting his parents rule his life.

i would be very concerned if a grown man cannot stand up for his future wife... if he is siding with his parents over you, then he is not ready to marry anybody since he still sees himself as a child who should defer to their wishes. you will only get stuck in worse arguments if you do marry him, over how to raise the kids etc. they probably keep wanting to postpone the marriage another year in hopes they can influence him to break up with you before that time. or maybe your fiance is not sure himself if he really wants to get married. then i think you have to think about what it would be like married to someone where every holiday is driven by these folks, etc. do you really want to be a part of this family? if you still do, then you need to sit your boyfriend down and talk with him and say you have waited long enough, set the date for spring, and carry out your plans. if his parents don't come,then they miss the party! and if you boyfriend can't accept that his parents are being rude and manipulate and stand up for you to go thru with the wedding, then you need to break up with him and find someone who will love and accept you and stand up for your rights.

wow, move out FAST before she files a false complaint against you... what is disturbing is she seems to go looking for all kinds of stupid reasons to start a fight with you, then escalates it. she is deliberately being provocative and nasty, so this is especially troubling. women can be emotional or physical abusers too, so i would get out as quickly as possible before she tries to claim you are the abuser. and try not to interact with her too much or let her know your plans to move out, or it could escalate into some really crazy fights, so just make your plans to get out and do it... i would explain to my family what is going on, and have them help you get a new place and get out.

i think what is causing you anxiety is the 'mysteriousness' of him saying he wants to see you but not telling you why... then dropping a hint about giving you something,but refusing to talk about it... this is kind of a manipulative controlling move on his part... he has all the information, and you are now doing what he wants, which is waiting anxiously see him with no indication of what his visit is about... so this puts him very much in control, while only making you feel powerless and anxious. this kind of setup will give him a lot of emotion leverage during this encounter. if you are really trying to move on and have NC, i would not agree to such a scenario. if he needs to see you, then you can insist he tell you what it is about before you agree to the meeting. i.e., let him know you are not going to be playing games with him, and that the contact between you should be related to a particular purpose, which you agree is a good idea or not. the 'gift' he has given you already is a whole load of anxiety! i would not agree to see him on these circumstances, unless he at least tells you the what it is he wants to talk about. i had an ex- who would do this kind of thing and bring me a little 'present' of some kind, but it was ALWAYS a precursor to him wanting something else from him, and a way of trying to butter me up and manipulate me to get what he wants. I caught on to this pretty quickly, because he was not the type to ever give me little gifts when we were together, so the sudden gift buying after the breakup was his way of talking himself into my house, and then giving him a chance to try to talk me into whatever else he wanted... so don't get your hopes up too much, and don't be afraid. you really are in control if you want to be. make him state his business up front, and agree to continue the conversation or not, depending on whether you think it is right or healthy for you... Good luck!

I had an ex-boyfriend like this, and i think what he is trying to do is keep all of his options perpetually open. I broke up with him because he had neglected to mention he was dating another woman at the same time he was living in my apt.! after i got him out of my place and broke it off, he periodically would make a run at me to try to get me to go out to dinner with him (as a precursor to trying to get me to sleep with him) but i refused because i knew what he really wanted. he eventually got married to the other woman, so i thought, whew, he won't be bothering me about want sex anymore and we can just be friends... but sure enough, with a couple months, he was back trying to get me to go out with him and sleep with him! i stopped seeing him as a friend entirely after that because i thought it was really crass to be a newlywed and hitting on old girlfriends! so maybe he really enjoys sex with you, or just wants some easy sex for variety from his girlfriend! he obviously keeps trying... and most men are smart enough to know that honest women will PERMANENTLY slam the potential sex door in his face if they know he is engaged or married. so he's not bringing up the engagement in hopes that he will still get you to sleep with him sometime, and NOT tell his fiance about it. so i think he is a deceptive and manipulative person. he is trying to get sex on the side for himself, and not have either you or his fiancee find out about what is going on with the other person. i think it's a pretty simple answer, he's a selfish jerk manipulating people to get what he wants... he really doesn't sound like the best kind of person to be friends with either, i'd cool that friendship down if i were you.

i think it is very hard to go from a relationship to be just friends, especially if one of the partners didn't want to break up and has hopes of getting back together, while the other partner has no interest in this. so for the partner wanting to break up, it is easy for them mentally switch gears to being friends, but for the one still in love, it can be excruciating. it is like trying to go on a diet while working a bakery! a constant hunger to experience the love you felt you used to have, but now that is off limits. but you have to recognize this behavior you are doing is as harmful as gorging on cakes, pies, etc. you start thinking about how you can't have him anymore, then you panic and think you MUST have him so start the crazy behavior of chasing after him. so you really do need to just remove yourself from promixity to him, stop calling, stop emailing, stop seeing him, etc. if you can stop the behaviors first, your emotions will evenutally catch up. I would send him one last email or phone call and say, 'i know i have been bothering you too much. i have been having a really hard time accepting the breakup, and i am sorry i have been bothering you. but i now need to stop seeing you and communicating with you for a while until i get my feelings under control. so please don't contact me. thanks, and i wish you the best.' then you do exactly that, which is have no contact with him at all... at the same time, you need to find other things to occupy you and your thoughts and break this cycle. i suggest you set aside some time both morning and evening, where you just sit down and think about him all you want, and try to analyze what went wrong etc. but limit this time with a clock or timer, say 10 minutes in the morning and 15 in the evening. then the rest of the day, whenever you catch yourself thinking about him, say to yourself, STOP! and remind yourself you can think about him for your 15 minute period later... then go about your business focusing on work, school, friends, etc. and don't allow yourself to think about him until your official 'think' time. if you have tried this for a while and still cannot leave him alone, i think you need to consider professional counseling, to help you figure out why you are in such a panic over this, to the point you are on the verge of stalking him (if he doesn't already think you are doing that). if you continue, your next embarrassing moment might be from policement telling you he has filed a complaint against you for harassment, and you definitely don't want to go there. if you do leave him alone and regain control, then MAYBE in a long time away, he might be willing to be friends with you, but that is a slippery slope when you've been so obsessed with him. so you do need to move on, and need to remind yourself your behavior will not bring him back, and is only torturing you AND him. the only way he will regain respect for you is if you truly leave him alone, and mean it.

would you still continue this if you discover he is dating another woman? or worse, gets a girlfriend, but still calls you now and then for sex to get a little variety? i think it is hard to dissociate after a breakup, and sometimes couples continue becuase it is convenient to one or both of them, but usually one person is less attached, and the arrangement falls apart when a 3rd person starts dating one of them... and by doing this, you are NOT looking for someone who will fill all your needs, just not your sexual one. and do you hope you might get back together? in which case you are 'pretending' this means you are a couple, when it is just sex.

yeah, and eating an entire container of Haagen Daz feels good, and drinking 5 magaritas feels good, and.... you name it, there's a million things that feel good, but that doesn't justify indulging your impulses constantly and to excess, or for him to expect you to fondle him constantly when you don't feel like it... his argument (or should i say excuse) just doesn't hold up under scrutiny. the other problem is that he does have to learn to try to respect your wishes and compromise on lots of stuff if your relationship is going to last. that's an infantile position to take, that you have to indulge whatever he wants because it feels good for him. what about you? he's feeling good, but you're feeling used... lots of addicts beg people for money etc. to get their fix, and he's doing the same thing with you, so it's not valid for him to think you have to give in to him because it 'feels good...' so you could try tackling this from the maturity and compromise angle with him first... explain your feelings, and you don't think everyone spends all their alone time fondling each other, and that you need other things in your day besides that... you're actually being very nice to him by even having sex once a day... most couples don't do that... then if he won't compromise, you probably have to move to the next level, and haul out the sex addiction books... the other risk you run is that sex addicts will frequently cheat with other people, no matter how much sex you give them, for no other reason than because they are addicts and can't control their impulses very well. so you might want to address this now, before it gets worse.

i think men think about sex a lot more often than women do due to the effects of testosterone, but that doesn't mean that you should be required to satisfy his urges every time it crosses his mind. i think you might have a potential sex addict on your hands (or should i say in your hands? LOL!!! anyway, if i were you, i'd read up on that condition and then decide what you want to do about it. sex addicts use constant sexual activity for all kinds of reasons that other addicts use drugs for... to distract themselves from stress, reduce anxiety, substitute for feelings of emptiness, avoid dealing with problems, etc. etc. he probably needs some kind of treatment or to read a book about it and learn other outlets to control his sexual impulses better. People's sex drives do differ, but his seems a little excessive in terms of pestering you all the time whenever you are alone. but honestly, he needs to find other sexual outlets besides using you like a blow up sex doll whenever he wants... hey wait, why don't you buy him one of those and sit it on the couch between you when you're watching TV? just kiddin', i know it must be upsetting for you, and don't feel bad if you don't want to 'service' him every couple hours, that really is an unrealistic expectation on his part.... he *might* be able to find another woman who wants sex that much, but odds are, if they are both sexual addicts, it isn't a healthy relationship, like two drug addicts together. so i would try to help him find a way to deal with this, and get you some peace.

the reason they use 26 as the cutoff age is that if you are 26 or older, the odds are very high that you have already been infected, so it is too late for the vaccine to be effective. HPV is so prevalent, that the majority of the population is infected with it, usually within a couple years of becoming sexually active, but hopefully this vaccine will help reduce that number in women who get it before they become infected the first time. i think the rule should be that you get tested, and if you come back negative, then you should get the vaccine, whatever your age. if you come back positive, then just be sure to get a PAP smear every year because you can get treated if cervical cancer is detected, a very curable cancer in early stages... but yes, cost of treatment does affect what insurance companies will pay for. there are many good treatments/medications for all kinds of conditions that they won't pay for either. not fair, but the reality. lets hope the cost of the vaccine comes down eventually over time, then i think it will be available to more people. btw, having HPV is not an automatic guarantee you will get cervical cancer, but it does improve your odds... so everyone should get PAP smears, as unpleasant as they are, and just recognize that this is one risk that science has fortunately discovered, so they they can watch for it and detect it early enough to save lives. i think if someone smokes cigarettes, they are at more risk for cancer than someone who has HPV, so that is something to think about. one has to consider all risks in life and not live in fear of what may or may not happen, but live wisely and act accordingly when one knows the risks.