BeStrongBeHappy

for some people, drug use or any form of illegal activity is not negotiable in a partner. you may see it as harmless fun for you, but she may see you as a potential drug addict or someone who might get arrested or be carrying drugs when you are with her and get her in trouble. lots of people don't want drug users as long-term partners either, because they are against using drugs and don't want their future children around drugs. so since this relationship is over at the end of the year anyway when she moves, she may just figure she's now got two reasons to dump you (drug use and leaving town), so why waste any more time with someone whom she sees as have a non-negotiable problem with drugs. so i'd just let it go, and move on, and recognize that drug use *is* a big deal and a deal breaker for some people, even though you don't think it is...

btw, i give her some credit, because she did tell you she had been unfaithful and someone else might be the baby's father, rather than just letting you assume you were the father... so she must at least have a conscience and some morals to feel guilty about that and finally be honest with you. i would definitely stay on good terms with her thruout the pregnancy and until you see whether you are the father or not, and if you are, stay on good terms for the sake of the child, even if you did decide not to stay together as a couple...

this falls into the category of there are no guarantees in life... but you are worrying about something that may happen, and you might also win $10 million in the lottery, or die when a tree limb falls on your while walking down the street or.... just because you worry about or hope for something does not mean it will inevitably happen... you get the point. the way to look at this is cheating is not inevitable, though people do cheat... and just because SOME people cheat doesn't necessarily mean that he will, especially if there is a strong emotional bond between you and your relationship is healthy and he is a moral person who doesn't condone cheating in other people or himself. i think rather than worrying about him cheating tho, you are better spending your time trying to build your relationship, communicate with him openly, and try to keep your relationship good enough he would have no incentive to do so. i think what you are doing is a lot like people do when they get on an airplane and then obsess the whole time about how the plane might crash... you are having a problem feeling out of control for some reason... so my advice would be to examine yourself and ask why are you so worried about him cheating when you have no evidence that he is doing so? did your father cheat on your mother? do you feel like you are not loveable or unattractive and hence he is destined to cheat? it sounds to me like you might be insecure in the relationship for some reason, or insecure in yourself and why you would be able to attract and hold him, so i would examine that first, and go to a counselor if you still have constant worries about this even though he is not doing anything to really indicate he is cheating... doesn't mean you should assume he will never cheat no matter what, but that you need to find a sense of security that is not based on worrying about something that may or may not happen, and isn't happening right now, so why let it ruin your fun and enjoyment of the relationship?

yeah, it's partly the old 'is porn cheating or not?' question, but the fact that he is just not a passive observer, but is exchanging information, phone numbers, pictures etc. with people in porn chat rooms would give me pause... is he just scratching a porn itch, or is he trolling and experimenting with the idea of taking it the next step to cheating, or looking for a new partner? there are so many avenues open to engage in sexual related behavior that does not involve our partners, that the degree of their involvement with porn or other people has to be evaluated, and a comfort level established that both partners are willing to abide by. some couples think porn is fun or stimulating, even chat rooms as long as there is no personal contact, but other people feel this is just a variety of cheating. so if he got carried away and then realized he was wrong, then you might be able to work it out, but if he was trolling for an actual hookup with some other women, or is not mature enough to respect the boundaries you set together, then it might not work out... i would definitely talk to him a lot about this, and together establish what you both think is acceptable in terms of any sexual behavior that is not between the two of you... and if he violates that again, then you have a harder decision to decide if he is trustworthy or not... sometimes a difference in opinion about porn related activities can be negotiated (i.e., you both come to an agreement of what you'll allow in terms of sexual activities away from the other partner), and sometimes not... some people will push those boundaries no matter where you set them, and some people cheat because they want to, and may look like they're agreeing to something with you, but will do what they want behind your back, hoping to not get taught... only you know your boyfriend well enough to decide what his character is like, and whether his values fit with yours, but definitely talk it out with him (and even a counselor) until you are sure whether you want to trust him or not...

there is one little hitch tho... regardless of having been 'above board' and told their spouses they wanted a divorce, they can still get charged with adultery if they see each other in the time period all the way up to the official divorce, not just separation. adultery can have consequences when deciding settlements and child custody, so it is not a 'home free' situation for them until after the divorce is finalized... divorce attorneys advise people to not even date until the ink is dry on the divorce, because even when separated, one is still officially married and can be charged with adultery as grounds for divorce. i also hope that this 'ending it' was not rash, especially if they do not live near each other or see each other often. that attraction might be a fantasy, i.e., the grass is always greener, and once they spend more time together, they may realize the person is not as great as they think, and regret dumping their spouses so quickly. i agree wholly that extramarital affairs are a boatload of heartache for all involved, and waiting for someone to leave their marriage is usually a foolhardy proposition for the affair partner. but blithely throwing over two marriages for someone they haven't even spent much time with recently sounds very hasty and ill advised to me too... i'm sure your friend is still in the glow of excitement, but its only been 2 weeks since they tossed over their spouses... things really start to get complicated in a relationship only after the 6 months mark, and they still won't even be divorced yet then, probably not til a year! the best solution is to always decide if the marriage is viable or not, can stand on its own two feet or not, and if it can't, THEN divorce and THEN wait until the divorce is final before even thinking about seeing someone else... i think your friend may have jumped the gun on that, and may not be so giddy when the divorce gets down and dirty, and the fantasy period ends with the new man. it may indeed be true love, but it certainly did NOT start out in a clean and fresh manner as you seem to think it did, because 2 other people (and families) are being severely hurt by this, and the ones leaving the marriage have not given themselves enough time away from the first marriage to even figure out what went wrong, or who they should be looking for in their next partner. i wish them well, but check them out in a year, and see what happens...

actually, the exact length of pregnancy is not nine months... it is calculated as a certain number of days from the start of the first day of her last period before conception (i.e., length of pregnancy starts counting approximately 2 weeks before the sex, then counts forward a certain number of days, not exactly nine months)... there are online calculators that can be used to determine the expected due date, and the conception date... this is one online calculator on link removed: link removed if you selected 'estimated due date' as the calculatioin method and enter her due date 3/15/2007 it says the baby most likely was conceived on June 22.. so whoever was having sex with her on June 22 or around the 3rd week of June is most likely the father based on calculating backwards from the date the doctor gave as her due date. so if the doctor has estimated her due date correctly, then the baby was conceived in late June, not early June, but there is no way to tell for sure, because women's periods can vary. does she know exactly what date she had sex with him, and when her last period was? that is more accurate way to tell. also, sperm can hang around and be viable in the woman's system from 2 to 7 days after sex (usually only 2 or 3 days), so that adds another element of uncertainty (i.e., the conception might be from sex had anytime in the week June 15-22, tho most likely from sex that happened on June 20-22, and the sperm finally met up with the egg on June 22 to make the due date Mar 15 of next year)... so there are several variables there that could make either you or her ex-boyfriend the father, so the only way to really tell is get a paternity test after birth... and also maybe ask her exactly what date she had sex with him, and when her last period was before the pregnancy (the first day of the start of her period that is)... knowing that info might give you a more accurate idea of which one of you might be the father... but no way to know for sure if you both were having sex with her around that time. anyway, there are other factors in play here... i.e., why is she so certain that other guy is the father? are you sure she only had sex with him once? and if she really did only have sex with him once say the first week of June, and you were having sex all month long, especially late June, you might more likely be the father... condoms are fallible as birth control, even if you don't notice an obvious break in the condom, pregnancies can occur via small holes or leakages before you put the condom on, or leakages during sex or when pulling out afterwards... so she could have gotten pregnant by you in late June even if you didn't notice an obvious breakage... so if her assumption is that the father had to be her ex-boyfriend based solely on breaking the condom, that assumption might not be true, you could still be the father even if you didn't notice a breakage when you had sex with her, especially if you were having sex with her around June 22 and her ex- was not... i would also be very careful and don't marry her on a whim becuase you think the baby might be yours, because in some states, the husband at time of birth is legally responsible for child support, whether he is the father or not! there are even cases where it has been proven later that the wife had affairs while married and the children were not his own, but he still had to pay child support due to state laws... that varies from state to state, but i would definitely wait out the pregnancy and get the paternity test done before agreeing to support her or this child. i would also evaluate whether you think a long term relationship is viable with someone who has cheated on you, and whether you are willing to be with her when she has a child belonging to someone else as a result of cheating on you... you might be able to work thru this, especially if it is your baby and you want to be a family, but i would suggest some relationship counseling to help work the the issues to decide what to do. and if her ex-boyfriend turns out to be the father, then you will need to work thru that, whether he will assume responsibility as the child's father (in terms of support), or whether you want to stay with your girlfriend and raise the child as your stepchild/adopted child. anyway, good luck, i am glad to hear that you are already willing to assume responsibility if it is your child.... the child should definitely not be penalized or without a father just because its mother cheated... once the paternity is established, you can decide what to do and move forward from there.

this relationship was probably not healthy before the cheating if you were willing to give up all your friends and thought of her as an 'angel' and some kind of romantic fantasy... that is putting all your emotional eggs in one basket, which is not good for you, and you have not been looking at her realistically if you are idolizing her rather than see her as a human being who has both good qualities and flaws, which all of us do have... but unrepentent cheating is such a serious flaw that there is no way to consider this girl your angel ... such obsession is very hard to break, since you have made her the center of your world, but i would suggest counseling for yourself to understand why you would drop all your friends for her, and why you are trying to get back with her when she has cheated on you and basically told you she wants to play around, and will never tell you if (when) she does this again. it is hard to break up, but it will be harder still to stay in a relationship with no friends and a girl who seems to have no guilt about cheating... trying to trust her is most likely a waste of time, because she *shouldn't* be trusted based on this behavior and the fact that she apparently doesn't feel too bad about what she did to you, and hence could do it again any time she feels like it.

let me say that whenever someone wants to be your 'sort of' lover in this kind of situation, it means he wants to meet your for some sex on the side of a relationship that means more to him. he is not agreeing to a potential relationship with you, he is agreeing to a 'no strings' affair on the side, while both of you lie to your (pseudo) steady boyfriend/girlfriend. if you want him back, tell him you want him back and break up with your current boyfriend. fighting a lot with someone you've only dated 2 months is a bad sign anyway, you should be in your 'honeymoon' period of that relationship... but it sounds like you are approaching relationships like a clothing choice for the day, ie., should i wear these shoes or those shoes today? it sounds to me like you are not ready to be in any steady relationship right now, and should be playing the field. so if you can't decide, break up with your current boyfriend and date your old boyfriend, with the awareness that you are not really dating him either, you are just agreeing to a clandestine sexual hookup behind his girlfriend's back. i always vote of being considerate of your friend's feelings, boyfriend or otherwise, and fooling around with everyone here can hurt a lot of people, including ultimately yourself. so i wouldn't fool around with the old boyfriend until both he and you have both broken up and are truly available to meet for more than sex.

First off, you are approaching this discussion with her like a college debate rather than talking to someone whom you might love enough to spend your life (married or not) with... so i think either you don't love her enough to make any kind of commitment to her, or you just don't want to get married to anyone period because you value your financial status above all else. you also sound like a person who does not value 'love' and emotional support and shared intimacy either, so in your case, you might not believe that marriage has lots to offer, whereas people who are interested in things other than money do... I think you could reverse your argument and say, that if you *do* have a prenup, then there is no reason NOT to get married if it is really important to the one you love and or to your children. You have just chosen your position, and refuse to budge from it, and that is fine, as long as you find a woman who doesn't want marriage or expect to be financial partners with you. The other bad sign here is you are planning your divorce before you even marry, which does not bode well for the strength of this particular relationship... i think that marriage and sharing your wealth with someone (and potentially giving up some of it in a divorce) is so repugnant to you, that this should be a no brainer in terms of making a decision. You don't want to get married, she does, she won't sign a prenup, you don't want to share your money, etc. etc., so just break it off and save everyone the debates.

whoa, why would you even consider moving in with someone who was involved in *multiple* cheating relationships and lying about it to you? her next step could not only be breaking your heart, but giving you an STD, and cleaning out all your stuff and bank account when you're away from home one day... i would say even if you did not find out she was lying to you, i would be involved in a 'real' relationship in person together for a long, long time before moving in together, until you knew enough about her to trust her and know her background etc. there are lots of con artists out there working the online dating scene, that get people hooked emotionally before they show up in person and clean you out, emotionally and financially. so you already know she lies about sex, what else is she lying about??

the thing is she is still a teenager, and is entering college and she is probably wanting to experience that life without commitment... it was wrong of her to cheat without talking to you and breaking up first, but you are five years older than she is, which is a lot at that age because you are at different points your lives in terms of school, work, wanting to settle down etc. she may not have had the maturity to admit she wanted to break up with you, but cheating on you is a BIG sign she is not ready to be your one and only, regardless of any other circumstances... it sounds like she has made up her mind to move on and experiment with other people, i would not try to focus on wanting to marry her or recommit to her etc. when she is definitely not in the mood for even a commitment to a steady boyfriend. so if you don't feel closure, i would try to talk things out with her a bit more since breaking up in the flush of anger and betrayal can leave some stuff unsaid that needs to be said. let things calm down a bit, then maybe try to get some closure on it, but ultimately it may be her decision that she doesn't want anyone as a steady right now, regardless of how much you like each other. you should probably try to move on and get busy with other friends, especially ones closer to your age, or at least the same phase of life as you are in now.

whoa... this guy is a nasty cheater at a minimum... don't for a minute think that the reason he is doing this is that he 'likes' you... put it into perspective, how would you feel about a single guy that you knew who tried to start things up by sending you a naked picture of himself when you haven't even had date or been intimate or anything? i think you would be creeped out, and do NOT let the fact that he is married to one of your friends make you think he is a nice guy or just someone who just 'likes' you... he's either a pervert, or else a shameless married man trolling for someone to have an affair with, and seeing if you bite (no pun intended)... lots of married men troll for affairs on personal ad websites where it is common for them to post naked pictures of themselves looking for 'discreet single women' or groups or couples or whatever for sex outside their marriage, without their wives knowing about it... they will NOT post pictures of their faces though, because what they are after is just sex, hence a sexual picture sent to get the point accross (another pun not intended)... so it should be VERY easy for you to tell him to stop it right now, you are NOT interested and never will be. the hard part comes in trying to decide what to do about your friend... in an age when sexual diseases can kill people, when you discover someone is cheating on someone you care about it becomes a matter or how you would feel if you discovered later his wife had contracted a serious sexual disease or HIV/AIDS because he was a cheater and you knew about it and didn't warn her about his behavior... but it is also true that the messenger is usually the one who is blamed, especially if the wife is naive and doesn't want to believe her husband is capable of cheating... she could blame you of encouraging this behavior and trying to steal her husband, which is distinctly unsavory, especially if you get subpoenaed in a divorce as someone who engaged in online sexual (perverted) behavior with her husband... women will follow that line frequently if they are trying to get full custody of children in a divorce... so my vote would be to set up an anonymous email account somewhere and mail her the picture and say you thought she'd like to know that her husband is sending unsolicited naked pictures of himself to other women, like the one you are sending to her... what she does with that information is then up to her... i'd also save the picture and the email somewhere as proof that he is a pervert, and you want nothing to do with him, should things get nasty... the other thing this should tell you is that as a single woman, you should NOT encourage too much attention (especially when the wife is not around) from other friend's husbands... it is just not appropriate, and can lead to sticky situations like this... not saying you are at fault AT ALL, especially if this guy is a pervert, but don't be naive. recognize that there are lots of seemingly 'nice' people trolling for affairs out there, and you don't want to be thought of as a potential affair partner by someone else's husband.

so let's see... it sounds like both you and your wife haven't let marriage interfere with your dating! there are some couples who decide an 'open' relationship is what they need to be happy, but frequently that comes to a bad end, when both are experimenting and 'trying on' someone else for size all the time, sooner or later the marital bond between you can snap... your wife may have taken it further with actual sex involved, but both of you seem to be very actively 'dating' while only playing at marriage. one thing i would point out is that the 'opportunity cost' principle applies here... if you are both investing so much time and attention in other people, then you are NOT investing it in each other. by spending time developing relationships with other people, you are not spending time developing your own... that will usually lead to a marriage that falls apart when one or the other feels less connection to their spouse than someone else, and decides they have more emotional investment in someone else and hence leaves the marriage... so at a minimum i'd say you're playing with fire here, and at a maximum, this marriage is already burned out, it just hasn't collapsed yet. if you value your marriage, i'd take it to a marriage counselor IMMEDIATELY before one or the other decides to slink off with another person permanently..

it is always devastating when a marriage breaks up, especially for the partner who was the one who wanted to stay in the marriage. It will get better, but you have to first recognize that you were married for 10 years, so it will take a while to work through your feelings of loss.. so be kind to yourself and recognize that it will take some time to establish a new life that feels as comfortable and nice as you think your old life with your ex-wife was... but you also need to work on adjusting your thinking to match the circumstances, in that you seem to be idolizing a woman who cheated on your and left you for another man! so you are focusing on what good things you saw in her, like her beauty etc., while ignoring a HUGE flaw and problem, that she was an unfaithful wife, and was willing to destroy a family to chase someone else. And the guy she ran off with is no prince either, considering he was willing to help destroy your family, so picturing them as a happy family neither good for you not probably realistic. most relationships that started as affairs are not the greatest, since the relationship is composed of two very selfish people, with a built in reason to distrust each other, they both know they are cheaters since they did it themselves... so your 'princess' did not run off with a prince, because she really is NOT a princess, nor he a prince, just a couple of garden variety selfish cheaters... so what you are lacking is perspective on her and need to try to stop reminiscing on who she once was, not who she became, which is a cheater who was willing to disrupt your and your childrens' lives to pursue her latest crush or whatever. you also need to recognize that your kids have been victims of her decision to cheat and leave, and you need to focus your attentions and time on *them* and helping them adjust to these changes, not in spending all your mental energy dwelling on some memory of a family life that no longer is possible with her. you are still their father, and they need you to be a loving parent to them, rather than a mooning ex-husband thinking more about your ex-wife than your children. there is a saying i read somewhere which paraphased said, 'if you find yourself in hell, then better to keep on going...' so you should remind yourself that thinking about her nostalgically is doing nothing but feeding and continuing your sense of loss and grief and pain, and much better for you do everything to stop that and to try your best to keep moving on towards finding other things (and people) that will help you recover and again find pleasure in your daily life.... so next time you find yourself mooning about her pick yourself up and do something else... or else give yourself permission to spend 10 minutes in the morning and the evening thinking about her, but turn it off the rest of the day and spend time doing anything but dwelling on past memories... divorce is something lots of us have gone through and it is painful, but you will come to a time when you don't think about her much at all, and then without the pain you feel now. time is a great healer, but time and healing goes more quickly if you fill your life with people and things to do rather than dwelling on the past that you cannot change... hang in there and keep seeing your counselor, it will get better! and i suspect that your princess will develop feet of clay, and her prince will turn into a pumpkin...

i don't think speaking to the girl will do any good at all, in fact, it might just show her she is 'winning' in getting your husband's time and attention, and probably will only enrage your husband when it gets back to him that you did talk to her... besides, the girl is not the problem in that it is your husband who is engaging in some very inappropriate behavior for a married man, so it is not just she that is the problem... you should be talking to HIM, and if he is blowing you off or not taking you seriously, or claiming its all in YOUR head, don't believe him, that is classic cheater strategy... he is giving all the classic signs of a man having an affair, or on the way to starting one. you should confront this directly, and maybe you should start offering to go jogging with him and see how he behaves... if he tries to discourage you, he may not even be jogging, he may be using that time to meet with her, or else trying to get into shape to impress her because she is younger than he is... i think if he doesn't want to talk about this, then you should insist he attend marriage counseling AND that he cut off contact with this young woman because it upsets you. if he is not willing to do that, then sadly he is putting his flirtation with this girl above your feelings and the survival of your marriage, which is a bad sign, and he is not respecting your marriage or caring much about your feelings or whether what he is doing is upsetting you. if he won't agree to do this, then it might be time to get the private detective to see if he is having an affair... and a lawyer if he is... if someone is very intent on having an affair, and if he has fallen for this woman such that he doesn't care if the marriage falls apart, then you need to work on your own future and taking care of yourself and your own assets. also, re: her financial status and being a CPA, maybe she is bored with that and wants a rich older husband to support her instead of continuing to work... her own wealthy parents may not be subsidizing her lifestyle now, and it may be a long time (if ever) before she inherits money from them, so her family having money and her having a seemingly good job will not dissuade her if she wants to 'retire' and become a wife to a wealthy man... she also may have her own psychological 'daddy' issues, where she gets off stealing older men from their wives, or just having affairs with them. there are lots of messed up people in this world, and your best defense is keeping your eyes open and dealing with this situation directly and immediately, before it plays out worse than it is now... if your husband is having an 'innocent' flirtation or what he calls friendship, he should have no trouble stopping this immediately because it is not good for your marriage, regardless of what he thinks. but if he refuses, then the prognosis for this is not good and he is probably cheating or intending to do so soon...

i think it's great that you talk about sex before having it, but i agree with everyone else, it's what is going on in your head and your chemistry that builds the attraction... i have to be honest too and say i would NEVER tell a guy what she told you either, because it is setting a standard that is already making your feel weird and inadequate, and you haven't even had sex yet! so she either really didn't think about what she was saying first (and it isn't that big a deal to her), or else she borders on being insensitive and shallow to make such a comment before even checking you out... no two people are the same, and if she has THAT specific a requirement, then you will probably spend your sex life trying to achieve every little goal she sets for you... so i suggest you see how the chemistry goes, and if she 'complains' about your anatomy, find someone else who is more flexible and creative enough to enjoy lovemaking with whatever equipment you've got.

I think you won't even need a divorce if you have not consummated the marriage and you have that in writing in email she has sent to other lovers, you can get an annulment and start your life fresh with a *real* wife, not a woman who uses and abuses you like this one... You need to protect your financial assets with a lawyer too. she is very scheming and cruel to be having multiple affairs while being a very cold 'non'-wife to you. She may try to take any assets you have with her when she leaves with her latest lover, which it sounds like she eventually will do if you don't annul the marriage first..

have you considered couples counseling? this is obviously complicated, with control issues and deeper problems than just differing sex drives... and you both seem to have polarized into blaming the other person as the one with the 'defect'... that will only get worse unless you find a way to solve your differences without controlling and blaming each other... counseling might also help you decide whether this relationship is worth trying to hold onto and make compromises for, or whether you are better cutting your losses now rather than when you are 45, or 50, or whatever...

fidelity is obviously important to you because you are so upset all the time and worried that he won't live up to that... and infidelity is obviously something that he has no problem with because he has already done it 3 times in 3 years! so this is a fundamental difference in values that i sadly think you will never be able to overcome... you have a right to live without anxiety and constant worry, and you also need to worry about whether he is out there sleeping with people and will give you an STD or HIV in addition to a bunch of heartache... you have a capacity to love, we often confuse our own capacity to love with the worthiness of our love object... by that i mean, you are taking your good love and throwing it away on someone who doesn't deserve it.. you feel like he is the one for you, but obviously he is the one for everyone else (other women) too... please don't torture yourself longer with this. unless you are willing to truly give up fidelity as a requirement to be happy, this guy will just keep doing what he's been doing, and you'll keep getting what you've been getting, which is an untrustworthy cheater... love and respect yourself, and your own capacity to love, give that love to someone who deserves it... always painful to break an attachment, but a guy who cheats this much is almost guaranteed to leave you some day for some other woman when you demand too much from him, so why not nip it in the bud before he totally destroys your love...

yeah, i'd have to agree he is probably cheating... my ex-husband started accusing me of cheating out of the blue and started watching my every move, but the reality was he was keeping tabs on me because HE had started cheated... it was really messed up, how jealous he got of me when he was the one with the problem... but you have a bigger problem, that he is abusive and cruel to you too... and he has told you he no longer wants a relationship and is being very disrespectful of your feelings... lots of abusers start out really sweet, then once you are 'hooked' they switch over to their true characters. my question is, are you also taking care of his child from a previous relationship in addition to your own children while he galavants around chasing other women and not living with you? he may be both abusive and a user, and you need to try to get your life together so that you are not dependent on him and can move on... no children should see their mother being demeaned and abused, or they will grow up to tolerate this themselves or repeat the pattern. you are entitled to child support for your joint child, and he needs to be responsible for his child from the previous relationship not you. I don't think 2 years is enough to qualify for 'common law' marriage status in most states, and he may know this and be bailing out before you have even more legal rights to his assets beyond child support... so i'd talk to your city/county resources about finding a way to take care of youreslef and your children, and getting your half of the house and child support, since it sounds like he has made himself clear, that he is 'already gone...' he may just not be making the final break so that you don't go after him officially for child support etc. his next step might be sticking you with the house payments and wrecking your credit if he is being so distant and not living with your and disappearing etc. but no one should have to put up with the things he's called you or accused you of that are not true... it's just a smokescreen for him to make his exit and try to make YOU feel bad about his own flaws... you've done nothing wrong, so please take care of yourself and your children... it doesn't really sound like he's trying to negotiate a relationship with you, just being nasty and trying to look for a way out himself that blames you rather than him for the breakup...

well, it's hard to shift gears sometimes when you have been friends for so long without sex, and if you approach the sex as an experiment to 'see how it goes' rather than as fun it could derail the experience with too high expectations... having said that, i had a friend for 5 years but we had always been attracted to each other but involved with others, until we finally decided to cross the line... it was awkward for about 1 minute when we started kissing, then just explosive and great after that, couldn't get enough of each other. so is this really a friendship you are trying to force into a sexual attraction, or is there is just too much baggage right now related to prior relationships to really relax? if you are really committed to trying to have a physical relationship with her, then i'd slow down a bit and agree that a little out of bed seduction with no pressure is warranted... she may just not be over her prior relationship yet, so starting slow like with a normal date might be in order, with dinner, drinks, dancing, making out on the couch while watching TV whatever, etc. But if after relaxing the pressure there are still no sparks, then i would say that it is just not meant to be as a romance, or she is really still hung up on her prior boyfriend and no one would feel comfortable for her right now (and you're picking up on that)...

i think it is important to be honest with all our friends, whether there is an attraction or not... there is nothing wrong with experimenting and deciding you are gay, straight, bi-, whatever... most people have more than one relationship in their lives before they choose a permanent partner (and even then it is not always permanent), so it is not like you participate in one relationship and that precludes ever having another boyfriend/girlfriend again... besides, if you decide you really do like men more than women, most men *love* the thought of 2 women together, so i don't think they'd reject you because you'd have one or two lesbian encounters trying to figure out what works for you... most likely it would turn them on... do you spend most of your time fantasizing about sex with men or women, or both? that might be your clue as to which direction you need to move in...

having a child is NOT a good way to figure out what you want to do with your life... figure that out first, then when you have the means and ability to care for the child and enjoy it fully, when you are no longer in school and have the means, THEN have the child. and make sure you girlfriend doesn't make a unilateral decision for you because she is bored or wants a baby, like a girl wants a babydoll... babies take lots of care, love, and money to support, so don't rush into this from a sense of boredom or not knowing exactly what to do next with your life...

A young girl who thinks an older man is being silly flirting with her does not enourage it. the young girl could just be stroking her ego and enjoy controlling the attentions of *every* man in the room, but that kind of flirtation is not harmless when a middle aged man takes it seriously. Younger women also recognize very clearly that most middle aged men have assets and money that their young suitors probably don't. Are you well to do, or have a great home, or something else that this girl might want to pursue? the world is full of younger women who have pursued and stolen older husbands because they want to up their own standard of living.. and they very callously choose the best 'provider' and don't care whether there is already a wife in residence or not, they just start the affair and get the wife evicted from the marriage once the husband is wrapped around their (sexy) young finger... so you have to look at the circumstances and try to assess this young woman's motivation in pursuing intimacy with your husband... does he have something monetary that she might want, or can he do something for her, help her career or whatever. middle aged men do have mid life crises where they pursue young girls, with either harmless or harmful flirtations, without the recognition that the young girls can be quite Machivellian in pursuing their own interests that has nothing to do with how charming or attractive the older man is, the young girls are just after the goods...

do you want to be merely a 'convenience' in another married couple's life, or do you want to live your own life fully and openly rather than just being the third (or fourth) leg in this crazy marriage triangle (or should is say box if his wife also has a lover)?? affairs are frequently the safety valves that let pressure in a bad marriage, so your presense may be the thing that allows this sick couple's marriage to continue! if left on their own, they would probably implode... so you are only helping the craziness continue, not resolving anything by continuing like this. that 'staying together for the sake of the kids' talk is age old nonsense that people who don't really want to divorce use as an excuse they hope their paramours will buy so they can continue using them. don't let these sickos continue to use you. he can call all he wants, just hang up, and tell him you will get a restraining order to keep him away if necessary. the short term pain you feel ending a *sick* relationship is a small price to pay to get on with your life and get involved with a healthy normal man. i also suggest you get counseling to discover why you would even consider taking 'leftovers' from the marriage of that crazy couple...