Soren

Thanks, all. Again, I am finding your comments very helpful. It is hard to maintain clear thinking alone. There have been so many things written that have moved or provided a good slap in the face. As for my feelings for caroline, perhaps I don't mean "love" so much as infatuation, as some of you have said. Sarah and my relationship is made of some strong bonds, some of which have been formed during the post-affair(s) time. There is no doubt that the love we share is powerful, meaningful and fulfilling. But do I trust her commitment of fidelity 100%? No. As much as she has done to deal with her own problems, and as much as we together have explored our individual and relationship isues, what she had done has left indellible scars. The wounds heal but scars remain. One thing you folks have made me realize is that I might still be driven by anger on some level. I might have some lingering jealousy or skewed sense of "cheating back." I don't want to live with that nonsense. And I agree with you all that I whatever I do, I have to be able to be honest with Sarah. We both deserve that. But as one of you said, my bringing up Sarah's affairs is a bit of a red herring. My occasional infatuations did not begin after I discovered her affairs. And I'd be fooling myself I argued that there is no way she isn't aware of my "enthusiasm" for Caroline. Anyway, that you all for your candidness. It's priceless. There is no way to say what the words are doing for me as I try to justify some lame behavior. Funny how we do that. I'll definitely keep you posted.

There is something I am not saying. This is so hard to say even in an anonymous forum, but what is the sense of seeking advice if I am not being open. So here is an embarrassing truth: While I have likely "emotionally cheated" on Sarah many times, she had been physically cheating on me for the first 6 years of our marriage with multiple partners. In some significant ways we have gotten through the infidelity together and she has come a long way in dealing with her past and present life. I know my introduction to these forums is clunky and awkward, but this is my first time making connections with others about it. Well, that was a first.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful, straightforward responses. You've given me much to think about. Just to make writing easier, I'll call my wife Sarah and my co-worker Caroline. First, to answer a few questions: Yes, my wife, whom I'll call Sarah, knows of our friendship, that Caroline is my movie partner (which Sarah is actually happy about since I no longer bother her about with it), and that we have dinner 2-3 times per week. The dinners are usually because of how late we work planning and problem-solving. We are both significant leaders in our school and shoulder a lot of responsibilites. I have fully disclosed to Sarah everything that goes on with Caroline and, because of our unique trust bond, I can share it with some enthusiasm. However, I have not expressed the love I am feeling for Caroline. That would be devastating. And I am not sure what it would accomplish. Doris, thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate what you've said about "emotional cheating." I am definitely reflecting on that. My initial response, though, is to wonder whether it is realistic to expect to be fully emotionally fulfilled by a single person. How can that possibly happen? I have many realtionships that feed me emotionally in ways that Sarah could never do. She is only one person. BUT, this is only an intial response to your thoughts an i am aware that it may be somewhat defensive. I do admit that lust is present. And I want to be honest about it. Despite never having acted on such lust for others, despite it remaining an internal experience, I think this is the part that always ends up complicating things. This is the kind of attention I have promised to Sarah. Robowarrior, you are right that it might be best to find a job where there were no women around, but being a teacher limits that greatly. Juliana, your questions are thought-provoking: Why are you falling in love with other women all the time? I don't know. Undoubtedly, I am attracted to aspects of women that I am not getting from Sarah. I find people factinating, not just women, and tend to explore relationships deeply. With women, though, I often stumble into that place where social barriers start crumbing. I fall in love (and, yes, lust). How old were you when you got married? Twenty-four. Sarah was 23. What attracted you to your spouse? Initially, it was because she was(is) hot. Then... she loved me so deeply. Why is your wife okay with the extremely "date-like" behaviour you are showing this other woman? Wel, we don't live conventional lives so "date-like" is too relative a term. But she understands my need for meaningful relationships. She trusts me. Although to what extent I am not sure. Is your marriage a marriage, or a parent-child relationship you've grown out of? I think we entered a sort of double parent child relationship. I know that negates the meaning of the term, but it is the only way to desribe it. We were both seeking parental types. We have grown out of that, together, and found our own ground. But like all relationships, neither is the complete package of met needs for the other. California Love, I am not so sure it is cheating either. I don't know. On the one hand I don't think it is realistic to require that all ones deep emotional needs be met by one person (who is evolving as I am over a lifetime). On the other, I think I do enter a realm of emotion that I have committed to Sarah. Being in love consumes so much emotional energy. And containing it so that both Sarah and Caroline are mostly unaware is a killer. There is no doubt in my mind that this will pass without me making any mistakes outside the mind. But the road can be long and messy.

I feel so lame that my first post on this forum is about my falling in love with another woman. We work together. We are co-teachers. I can't get her off my mind. Nor do I want to, despite how painful it is to feel so deeply in love and keep myself from making it known, to her... or my wife. I will never cheat on my wife. Ours is a deep loving partnership and friendship. It is more valuable to me than anything. But here I find myself heart-wrenchingly in love with the woman at work. I love every move she makes, every idea she shares, every gesture, facial expression. I love making her laugh. I love her fine, graceful body and how she moves it about. I can't get enough of her. We have been teaching together and sharing with eachother how great it has been. Neither of us has worked so closely with someone and so thoroughly enjoyed it. She is as enthusiastic as I am. We also have dinner together after work at least twice per week, drinks on Friday with other colleagues (until we split and the two of us go on for another elsewhere. She has also become my movie partner, since my wife despises going to the movies. I am in love in the classic sense. But it is killing me to not be able to share this with anyone. Again, I WILL NOT cheat on my wife for anything. I am doing my best to keep this love to myself until it passes. Unfueled, it always passes. At least that is my expereince so far in life. But I am bursting. I am pacing. I am fantasizing. I am... I really, really dig this woman at work. And it is eating up my insides. So much so that I am starting to wish it all undone, wishing that I'd never met her and that all m attention was on my wife. I feel so not in control. It feels great and horrible at the same time. Why do I always go down this same road? I mean the falling in love with these other women.