waslovinghusband

My ex did just that: She refused to reach out and feel love or compassion for me when I needed her the most. I found out later that it was because she was passing me up for someone else. Her loss. And his too. Jules is right. We need to focus on what we want to become, not what we once were. I miss the woman that once was but I'm beginning to think it was all her selfishness and I was blind to that. In the months to come I will probably realize that I am better off without her and the deceit that seems to follow her. Good luck to you all.

FCTex. I have copied your post and established it as a personal goal. I have the sinking dreaded feeling that my ex will eventually wander back. It has freaked me out to know that I may not be able to handle myself in that situation. Thanks for the inspiration. You da man.

Definitely give it more time. Control your thoughts the best you can to get you feeling happier where you are at that particular moment. (if the stuff you are thinking about ultimately leaves you feeling sad or wishing her back then think of something else) do it in small doses. do it more over time. It's about you now. not her. Go easy on the other ladies (rebound=bad , new friends=good)

I'm coming to terms with the loss of my lover and best friend after a 10-year marriage. My wife left me for another man. I guess this is a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence'. I have been trying to focus my grief on the fact that she is a terrible person for what she has done to my kids and I. Its too hard on me to think about the good times we had and how good looking she is and was throughout our marriage. I loved that beautiful woman with all my heart. There was never a day that I did not feel honored to be her husband but to focus on the good stuff just brings more pain. I have to think that yes, those days were very good ...once, but they're gone now because she has drastically changed and this new person is not somebody I want to be with. Something strange happened yesterday: my brother in law (her sister's husband)called me yesterday out of the blue. I was shocked because since she left me 4 months ago I have not heard anything from her whole family....nothing at all. Not even a phone call or email asking if i was okay....nothing. That has always been something that really hurt because the entire time we were married many members of her family were always keeping in touch. They were my friends and we shared more than a few good times together. So my ex-brother in law and I went out for a beer and I asked him what he knows about the breakup and he says he doesn't know anything, really. Nobody really knows anything. He and the rest of her family were all under the impression that the wife and I were having a rough time maybe breaking up or maybe working things out but we 'needed our privacy'. You know the last thing I needed was privacy. I needed friends and moral support. This was the most painful thing I have ever felt and it went on for weeks and weeks. I needed to know that I was special to somebody, anybody. So last night I set him and the rest of the family straight with the real truth. I told him that she has a boyfriend now, that's why i got dumped. She knew this guy while we were married and even admitted to being affectionate with him before we broke up. Now she is seeing him regularly, staying ovenight at his house whenever i have the kids. Going on weekend vacations with him and telling everyone she is with a girlfriend. This proves that she's a cheater and the boyfriend is a homewrecker. No wonder she wanted her family to stay away from me. because I would tell them the truth. Well that's exactly what I did with the brother in law last night. Vindication? maybe. It does seem a little easier to understand the silence from her family now that they have been deceived into thinking I want to be left alone. So for that I forgive them. But it makes me despise her even more that she would keep them away from me in order to hide the real truth from them: that she IS a cheating, lying, selfish person. How could anybody do that to someone after an honest and happy 10 year marriage? Why should I be denied moral support when I needed it the most? Some people can really be nasty.

You have to be capable of unconditional acceptance and an unselfish willingness to be there for the other person when they really need you. I'm realizing there are levels of naivete and immaturity even among otherwise well-adjusted 30 yr olds who are otherwise great guys. It's just harder to identify this immaturity when you have all the other marks of adulthood—a good job that pays the bills, the ability to take care of yourself, friends who aren't just your drinking buddies. My ex assumed if he was in a long-term relationship at the age of 30, that MUST mean he's ready for love and marriage. What he didn't understand, and what I'm only now realizing is that falling in and staying in love is as much about who YOU are, what you've learned in life and what you're ready for as it is about finding "The One." I bet you can fall in love and still have it get all screwed up if any of these things are out of whack. Are these just the ramblings of someone on the rebound or am I onto something? When things were going bad with my ex I was the one who had the unconditional love/acceptance of who she was. She on the other hand was the one who got it all screwed up when she met somebody 'better'. It made her look at her life with me and question its future after ten years of marriage. She married young at 21 and when she hit her early 30's she began to create a new future for herself that didn't include marriage. Her freedom is what she wants now because until lately she was never really clear about who she was. It WAS immaturity cloaked in an otherwise well-to-do woman of substance. I believe that there will come a day when these people really regret what they have done. But for me I have to move on and find that "mature magic".

Thank you all for the guideance. And the kind words. You are right, BeStrong: I need to change my perspective on her. She is what she is. Not what she once was to me. I need to do some more writing now...once again put my thoughts in a journal. These words will be different, though. ...I get my kids tomorrow on Halloween !!!

This is my first post. I thought this was a good site so hopefully someone can help me. My wife left me for another man. It's clear to me now that he was in her heart before we broke up so her initial argument of "incompatibilities" and "marriage is not fun anymore" have fallen to the ground. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love with her immediately(not my first girlfriend-far from it) and we were lovingly married for 10 great years. Over the last year we have both been eating well and excercising and we both began looking great but she has become extrordinary. A stunning beauty. dressing well and getting a lot of compliments. I always loved and respected her since I first met her but since the transformation I have been doing my best to be the best husband any woman could have. I always looked forward to coming home from work seeing her/holding her and cooking her dinner. We have 2 kids and they are both amazing people. We have already separated and I see my kids once in awhile. everything is agreed on and the estate has been split. No lawyers anymore. BUT I still feel very sad all the time. Even the kids remind me of what once was so I feel terribly sad when they are with me. It's not good for kids to see that. I keep thinking about her with him and how happy and beautiful she is and I'm filled with grief. I know I don't want her back but she still has control of my heart. I just want to move on and be happy but I'm constantly lost in this vicious cycle of pain and despair. I'm devastated and right now I cannot even feel happiness at the best of times. My cousellor is helping me with some of this but I guess I just need to know that someone out there knows what this feels like and if anybody can give me a little hope.