BeStrongBeHappy

let me see... how about this: DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE, DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE YOU WILL BE BURNED... okay, i don't mean that literally of course... but you've pretty much said you really don't love him, didn't like being married to him, were bored with him, like somebody better, sex got boring, then NO sex at all... etc. etc. why would you even think about getting back with him, other than he seems to have discovered a jealous streak (big ego) and can't stand his EX-wife might have another man than him? he certainly wan't too interested in you when he had you to himself, so if you go back, you'll just get more of the same... so don't play with fire, you've been there, done that, move on!!! you seem to have had a VERY successful divorce, and had a REALLY lousy marriage with him before, why repeat that bad experience just because he's horny and jealous??

well, sometimes you break up and realize the breakup was a bad idea and you don't want to date anybody else, and sometimes you break up because the relationship is not working, yet still feel nostalgic about the good times while glossing over the bad times... memory can become quite foggy and misty eyed about realities, especially when you are alone or lonely. is there a chance you can just date or befriend both women without a serious commitment? i think if you are attracted to a new woman after a breakup, then maybe there was a good reason for the breakup with your original girlfriend... there is nothing wrong with dating people without a big commitment as long as you are honest that you are exploring friendships, and don't intend to make a commitment lightly or before you think it is approriate... i definitely wouldn't commit to the old girlfriend out of nostalgia for what might have been, only to break her (and your own) heart yet again... so maybe you shouldn't approach this as an 'either/or' situation, but try to befriend both until it becomes more clear what your emotions (and chance of relatioinship success) with both of them really are... the answer to 'confusion' is not to make a renewed commitment to the old girlfriend or jump into a new relationship lightly, it is to gently explore both situations more until the confusion lifts and it becomes clearly which way you should go (or maybe neither way at all, if neither woman seems to be 100% the woman for you).

if someone loves you, why would they want to make you feel bad about yourself, even for a minute?? i am so sorry to hear he does this to you, but it is not uncommon in emotionally abusive spouses... please check out this book, the Verbally Abusive Relationship, at your library if you can't afford to buy it... it details the signs of abuse, and it is NOT your fault if this guy has a major problem and does not respect women. Reading this book will help you decide whether he is just going thru a phase where his ego is out of control, or whether he is truly abusive and you need to deal with that... link removed your personal relationships should be supportive and loving, and if you can't trust your own husband to want to encourage what is best for you, then you just plain can't trust your husband! Yea, he could have been unfaithful with that other woman if he is bringing home new sexual tricks, but that is the least of your problems if he is an obnoxious jerk who thrives on putting you down to make himself feel superior... (but if you truly think he is unfaithful, protect yourself from serious STDs like AIDS and herpes he might pass on to you from another woman). start by reading this book, and get counseling for yourself to get outside support and advice, then decide whether the marriage is worth saving via marriage counseling.

babydoll, the first thing you need to do is try to understand why you would encourage a flirtation with another guy while supposedly 'in love' with someone else. are you really 'in love' with your boyfriend, or just in need of a boyfriend and ego constant gratification from some man?? i responded to your post on another thread where you said 'love overcomes all', but one needs to stop and think about what love means... love is NOT an emotion that comes and goes based on how much a particular man is gratifying your ego at a particular moment.... it is GREAT that you caught yourself before you cheated badly on your boyfriend, but you should really understand that HE is the one being wronged there, not you, and HE should be crying in your arms due to the hurt feelings, not vice versa, you crying in his because you feel guilty and are worried he will dump you because you have misbehaved and betrayed him.... so if your boyfriend really does mean that much to you, you need to constantly acknowledge you were wrong and there was no excuse when he brings it up... if he loves you, he will eventually get bored with throwing this in your face and stop it. if he sees your betrayal as an unforgiveable act, or he doesn't really value you enough to overcome it, it may be too late already, and the relationship will wind down, regardless of what you do... so focus on repairing the damage you did him, not on your own emotions about feeling guilty etc. you need to convince him that he is the most important thing to you, and you had a moment of temporary insanity by even encouraging a too close 'friendship' with another man... and prove it to him, become the trustworthy person who does not put herself in situations that might encourage infideity, become someone he can respect. don't for one minute be the needy 'comfort me, i was a bad girl' that only proves you are self centered and thinking of yourself, not his feelings...

you don't need to 'spill' all your personal details on the first visit with a guy... he's been a lifelong friend, yes, but putting too much expectation that you 'owe him' this implies you intend to get really deep with him, and a 'first date' activity doesn't really warrant this... it also might have unintended consequences, like he spills this info to everyone you've ever known together, which is really none of their business... if he asks what happens in the marriage, tell the level of truth that is appropriate to the situation, i.e., i think i was too immature for that level of commitment at the time, OR, i loved him but obviously not enough to go the distance in a marriage, etc. then if it starts to get more serious with him, you can provide more details, and of course i hope you NEVER intend to repeat the infidelity mistake with someone you are commited to, and tell him so, and how much it damaged you and your awareness of the damage has taught you a lesson you'll never forget...

oh babydoll, 7 months is a nanosecond in a lifetime of a relationship... don't confuse the infatuation that lasts a year or two in a new relationship with enduring love... you and your boyfriend may indeed have enduring love, but the infatuation that helps one 'overcome all' in the face of disagreements evaporates a couple years into the relationship, not at 7 months. enduring love is built on common goals, interests, respect, and mature decisions as to what benefits both the individuals and the relationship. and for many people, a huge gap in interests will eventually erode the common ground you stand on. the best of marriages and relationships are built with people who do NOT have to fight it out all the time and spend a lot of time dealing with differences, so don't let a haze of hormones in a new relationship blind you to major differences and problems that may not stand the test of time... just saying... if you still are going strong *without* a lot of fights in 18 months or a couple more years, THEN i would think it is true love that can overcome all differences.

i had one guy tell me he was 'separated' when in reality his wife was just away for 3 weeks on a trip to Europe with her family... so it really meant when he said she had 'mostly moved out' was she had packed a suitcase for a vacation! and of course, him saying 'my wife has moved back in again, but i think we're going to divorce soon' meant her vacation was over and she was back again, with no knowledge whatsover of their temporary 'separation' (or any wind of divorce)... LOL!!! and i had another guy tell me he had broken up with his girlfriend, so we started dating, and after a couple weeks of dating, we were watching TV at his house when there was a knock on the door, and he suggested we just ignore it, probably a door to door salesman... then i saw a woman's face peering into the room from outside thru the curtains and both she and i started screaming. apparently his girlfriend had gone to Germany for 4 weeks to take care of her sick mother, so he was liberally interpreting her absense as a 'breakup', and she was just interpreting it as visitiing her sick mother and coming home to her boyfriend again! i also knew a man i worked with who told women he was 'separated', while maintaining an apt. separate from his family that his wife had no idea existed... he rarely spent time there, usually only long enough to 'prove' to women he wanted to cheat with that he was separated, then he'd immediately start spending his free time (when not with wife) at the girlfriend's house and the sham apt. sat unused most of the time... one of his girlfriends who got pregnant and had his baby was very surprised to discover she had a private detective filming her house, and a *videotape* shot by the detective of them being amorous together, followed by a subpoena from his divorce case. so his wife had no idea she was 'separated' from her husband at all, until her young 3 year old daughter who had been out with daddy one day mentioned that she and daddy went to visit a woman, and the woman had a baby!!! (enter the private detective with videocam to check this out!).. apparently the girlfriend with the newborn had been pressuring him to spend more time with her and the baby, and he didn't think a child that young would pay much attention to the 'friend' they visited or talk about it to the mother, or that he could tell his wife the kid had 'imaginery friends' they visited... anyway, the girlfriend got slammed with subpoena's as being the husband's 'paramour' during the marriage, and they even subpoenaed the child's birth certificate to prove he was sleeping around and lying to both the wife AND the girlfriend about his marital status. wife thought he was always busy working or travelling, girlfriend thought he and the wife had an 'amicable' separation where he just spent a lot of time at the 'kids' house because he was being a good dad who felt he needed to spend lots of time 'alone' with his children from his 'prior' (tho really current!) marriage. end of story is wife took husband to the cleaners in the divorce and got tons of child support, alimony for life, and a huge settlement because he was shown to be such a wrongdoer, and man was so bitter about being cleaned out in the divorce that he of course did not marry the mother of his illegitimate child because he never wanted to get divorced again. (and i imagine the baby mamma was pretty bitter herself too, because she thought she was dating a 'separated' man well on the way to divorce, with no expectation of being the *cause* of the divorce and ending up needing her own lawyer to represent her to prove she was not helping husband hide/steal marital assets during that marriage)!! so ALWAYS take 'separated' with a huge grain of salt, in fact, a whole salt shaker's worth, or even a 5 lb. bag, because men who want to cheat know most women are not thrilled about dating a married man and are very reticent to start an affair, but 'separated' or 'going to separate' and 'we have a future together' are the magic words that open a women's heart and arms etc.! don't buy anything this guy tells you or let him into your life, until you go to the courthouse to see if he REALLY separated or divorced, those are public records filed at the courthouse... also very interesting reading, because you will discover whether it is an amicable divorce, or the guy is a big cheater, always good to know the other side of the story... and there are a million miles between 'going to separate' and 'divorced', and a million lies between them too... good luck, and spend your time with truly available men, not men living in the marital twilight zone...

one thing that everyone should consider in a relationship is that marriage will NOT change the person, they have to want to change and make their own changes to themselves. and if you think his interests are so divergent from yours that you are already disgusted with him about it, that won't change either if you get married, it will probably get worse. i married a man who was quite different in goals/interests than mine, though i felt i loved him and we could overcome these differences because i had plenty of my own interests, but we spent 8 futile years trying to 'adapt' to each other and ended up divorced. the main problem was he was totally obsessed with sports to the point of turning on ESPN the second he got home from work, until 11 p.m. each night, then starting at 10 a.m. Saturday morning and going thru 11 p.m. Sunday night. So he was either watching sports, or attending sports events. his father had been a football coach so football and sports was religion in their family, but i was (and still am) TOTALLY uninterested in sports and the thought of spending every free minute in watching spectator sports horrified me. before we were married he did spend time with me doing other things besides sports, but after the marriage, he 'reverted' to his family's normal behavior, watching sports constantly. he would also complain and pout if i suggested going out to dinner or doing anything else that was not sports related, because there was always some 'important' game or another he couldn't miss, and ALL games in ALL sports were important to him. so eventually i just quit asking him to do things with me to reduce conflict in the marraige. so for years i went about finding ways to fill the evenings and weekends i spent alone while he followed his own interests, until one Saturday morning i woke up and realized i had 48 hours ahead of me listening to the TV blare sports from the basement TV room, and that i was more alone and lonely being married to him than when i was single! so we divorced, and the marriage died with a whimper rather than a bang because after 8 years whatever common ground we thought we had because of 'love' had eroded from under our feet due to lack of interest in any common activities, and his refusal to pursue any activities that weren't his own personal interests. i am not sure what happened later with him because we did not have children to keep in contact over, but i do know he remarried and my hope is that his second wife is a female sports junkie, or the poor thing is in for some lonely times, just like me... it is normal and very healthy to have some of your own private interests that are unshared with your partner, but in moderation, and there should also be some common interests that you are both excited enough about to do together. otherwise if you marry him, you will just grow increasingly resentful of the time and resources he devotes to his interests that take away from you and your marriage (and your future children if you have them). so i suggest that you tell him you need to share some common interests (and find out what those are), and if there are none, or he refuses to take any time out from his own car interests to pursue other activities that can please both of you (or alternate taking turns doing things the other person wants to do), then it is hopeless and you better to nip it in the bud before doing a marriage and all the mess that a divorce brings...

i think you are focusing on the phone because the phone is the one thing you think you might be able to easily use to 'catch' him at something... but nobody wants to be spied on or have their phone/email constantly checked by their girlfriend/boyfriend, especially if he is *not* cheating. that lack of trust and constant checking/questioning can destroy a relationship as quickly as cheating can... so you have to stop yourself checking the phone and trust him, or else really investigate whatever other incidents (besides the phone) have made you suspect he is cheating... but i think the default should be to trust (innocent until proven guilty), but with eyes and ears open in case he starts to have a whole cluster of unusual hiding and going incognito behaviors that indicate he might be cheating... there are books and articles about how to tell if someone is cheating, so if you are not sure, you can get online and google for this information and read some of them... so your worries about the phone and cheating might just be a lightning rod for other insecurities and things that are wrong with the relationship that need to be worked out and talked about rather than checking his phone behind his back. anyway, at this point he KNOWS you are worried about cheating and thinking about looking at the phone, so if he *were* cheating, he would be careful there is nothing on the phone for you to find... so really a wasted effort to check his phone all the time... liked 'desertnomad' said, if he really wants to cheat, he could have a different phone entirely than the one he carries when you are around... there are all kinds of ways cheaters buy themselves time and space to cheat, so you really can't control his behavior, just hope that he cares about you enough to not cheat... worrying won't change anything. so i would say trust him, but follow up if you see any other patterns that indicate he might be cheating...

it's normal to be angry, but NOT normal to kill them... if you're serious about that, then get some counseling, if it is a fantasy because you are enraged, then better to walk away and find someone you love so much you couldn't think about living without them, let alone killing them. her cheating on you is not a reflection of *your* worthiness, it is a reflection of her own feelings/issues/whatever. so don't ever take it as some need to injure her to maintain your own ego or self worth... if you hate her that much, walk away, see ya, etc. find a better woman and let HER experience living without you.

look, this situation obviously needs outside help, like a marriage counselor to decide whether the relationship is worth saving, or the two of you are going thru the motions while flailing about and battering each other emotionally... some people act out their emotions and find ways of distracting themselves (like affairs) rather than dealing with their life problems and any problems they may feel in a marriage... i think a sponsor is a great idea when under stress to prevent you falling back into drinking, but there are obviously some deep issues going on in the marriage that need a marriage counselor too. if you don't have insurance to pay for it, contact your county or city for free counseling services, and someone at AA might be able to refer you to those services.. good luck, but be safe and be careful... sleeping around comes with some serious diseases these days, and she has cheated repeatedly recently, so protect yourself accordingly...

two wrongs don't make a right, so compounding the cheating with lying only bought you some time, but will cost you if your girlfriend decides you both cheated AND lied... so your best bet is to keep talking to her... she is bound to bring the subject up again (even if you don't), so you will have to deal with this one way or another... if she really believes you cheated, it is better to come clean and throw yourself upon her mercy and discuss how stupid you were and how scared you were when the 'other woman' told on you, because you realized that she is more important to you than anything, and you can't stand to lose her, and that you were an idiot, etc. etc. throw yourself upon her mercy, and do everything you can do to re-establish trust, which is hard but not impossible... but some women will dump a guy who cheats, so no matter what you do it may be over, but you need to let her know that you understand that SHE is the one who was wronged, that you were stupid, and won't do it again AND MEAN IT. if she really loves you, she might give you another chance, if not, lesson learned, the hard way... i think Rabican's posting is good advice, let her know that you intend to tread the straight and narrow, and have nothing more to hide, and keep it that way.

i read a great quote once that said that people that fall into the internal machinery of another person's marriage usually get ground up and spit out again... it's true! marriages can be complicated and you could be nothing but her latest pawn in a 'get even' game with her husband... and it is true that plenty of married people will tell all kind of 'sad' stories to hook in an affair partner and overcome the other person's conscience and fears in order to get them to participate in a sick marital game that they don't even know they are playing... a person who really wants to leave a marriage leaves a marriage... simple but true... all other excuses are just pitiful hooks to up the ante to get you to engage in some behavior you are not sure is a good idea... so i would agree, if you do contact her, tell her call me when you are no longer living with him, legally separated, otherwise, go to a marriage counselor and work it out with your husband. the harsh reality is that lots of people use affairs to *extend* a bad marriage, not end it... an affair is just their pressure valve to release some steam, and NOT a true end to the marriage, or true beginning of another good relationship. don't be a pawn, or a sucker... if she's serious, she will leave him and maybe then you could *think* about seeing her, but only with caution because she obviously has no compunction about cheating as acceptable behavior...

avoid the theoretical for a minute and move to the practical... how would you feel if you found out she was cheating on you because she needed to 'experience' other men? i doubt that feels comfortable to you, and if it does, then maybe you should talk to her about a 'time out' to grow up a little and experience other people... (but with safe sex of course, as always). if you can't stomach the idea of her being with anyone else, also consider the fact that a 'fling' might cost you your relationship with her, and if she finds out, she could dump you and never look back... lots of women will NOT tolerate cheating for an instant, and if she is as wonderful as you say she is, you'd better stop and think what it would mean to live life without her. if that thought doesn't bother you, then you definitely need to give both yourself and her honesty and freedom and tell her you are not ready to be in a committed relationship.

i think the depth of grief has to do with the depth of involvement and why they cheated to begin with... but the bottom line is that anyone undertaking an affair is bound to cause a load of grief, for themselves, their spouses, their affair partner, their children, etc. etc. there are some unrepentent philanderers who care about no one but themselves and scoring, so those may feel no guilt at all, just a sense of triumph about getting away with scoring another sex partner. and others may be tortured because they realize it was a big mistake and hurt their wife and affair partner. and yes, they could miss you, but it is much easier to forget the partner when one dives back into a marriage, children and family routine... so don't try to sentimentalize an affair by pondering where he 'misses' you or not, just a way of prolonging the connection that has obviously ended for some reason... he may miss you, but he can miss a lot of things that he enjoyed at one time, but no longer indulges in, like i miss chocolate when i'm on a diet. don't let it stop you from moving on and recognizing he has made a choice to stay with the wife and family, so obviously would miss them more than he misses you now or he wouldn't have made that choice.

btw, kudos to you for not seeing him again... drink makes one do more than sense would advise sometimes... so harsh criticism of you when you have chosen a better course after thinking about it is not warranted... just don't yield to the urge to call him again when drinking, not everyone who decides against re-ignitng the flame keeps that resolution, so people here are trying to provide the support you might need to stay out of a sticky situation...

don't give in to the fantasy that he is a 'good one' as in 'all the good ones are taken' just because you had a night of good sex... 'good ones' don't cheat on their wives, and bulldoze their way into your room in the morning for another go at it before they go back to the wife and kiddies and kiss their mouths with the same one that was just kissing yours a few hours before... lots of cheating men *love* to have affairs far from home because it is unlikely they will get caught, not because you or your 'chemistry' is anything special to them... so i can almost guarantee this man will want to keep contact, but only when he is going to be in YOUR town, not his own... don't give in, no future there other than heartbreak for yourself, his wife and family... if you need another friend, go get one that is truly available all the time, not just when he wants some 'free' sex where his wife won't find out about it... move on, and find a REAL good man, one who available and not lying to anyone else in order to sneak around with you.

two things come to mind... first, unusual phone related behavior can be a sign of cheating... i find it odd he *needs* to take the phone with him into the bathroom when taking shower and close the door. even if it is work and the phone starts to ring, you could tell him the phone is rining and he could have you answer it for him or he could check it the second he gets out and call back... so he is obviously keeping that phone away from you for whatever reason. second, never distrust your intuition, it is telling you something. he may or may not be cheating, but you are not comfortable with him and suspect him of something. if you feel the need to spy on him all the time and check numbers etc., there is a lack of closeness and trust in the relationship... you either need to work on trusting him and see what happens, or tell him you don't trust him or think his phone behavior is odd and see what he says/does. controlling his phone use won't control him, but unnecessary secretiveness on his part, and jealousy on your part, needs to be addressed by talking it out.

kath123, is there a chance that his unfounded jealousy all along might be because he is and always has cheated on you, and hence got worried you might do the same, the only difference this time is that he's gotten in a bit deeper and has taken a runner? i had been married 7 years when my ex-husband suddenly became angry with me all the time (for no apparent reason) and started obsessing about what i was doing with my time away from him, and calling me at work constantly and checking up on me to see what i was doing and who i was with. he was very worried that he was losing me, but nothing had changed from my perspective, so the whole business puzzled me and i constantly reassured him. Turns out the problem was HE had begun cheating on me and had started wondering that hey, if he could do it, maybe i was doing it... so it was a very unthought out behavior, for him to become jealous of me when he was the one running around, but very common behavior... sauce for the gander was not supposed to be sauce for the goose in his mind, so he started worrying about what i was doing all the time. he wasn't ready (and never did want to) get divorced, but his emotions betrayed what HE was up to... and when i found out, i divorced him because i could not trust him and did not want to deal with all his own jealousy related to me, that was totally unjustified and triggered by his own behavior... so yes, as Mia Farrow said, What Falls Away is sometimes a good thing, for YOU!! so there is no telling if his 'new' relationship will last, but your question has to be do you want to take him back, especially when he might just be a big (and long term) cheater, and you just haven't known about it?

if she finds out you cheated, just wait until you see her temper then! she will feel a huge amount of rage and betrayal, which is justified, why add to the temper load? at 19 you are both too young to contemplate marriage, especially if she has temper problems and you have a fidelity problem... don't delay the inevitable, have a talk with her about being too young to commit to her right now, and talk out a less serious relationship with her that allows you both some freedom to experiment, or decide she means to much to you to risk losing her by cheating, or break up with her before she discovers the new girl and has to deal with your loss AND feelings of betrayal.

i have followed this thread with my heart breaking for you because your situation sounds so much like what i have seen happen with many young women and married men who are looking for something on the side and are willing to draw in young women any way they can to get it. i don't know what you found out about this particular married man, but i am sure it was not good... let me say some things that might help you. First, it sounded like he waited until you were emotionally attached to reveal he was married. a kind and faithful man will ALWAYS let it be know that he is married, and is proud of it. Many philanderers use the hook of being potentially available at first because they know it will draw you in and make you less likely to turn them down cold when you discover they are married if you are already emotionally involved with them emotionally before you find that news out. Next, he tested whether you would be available for an extramarital (sexual) affair by moving from email flirtations to requesting 'hugs'... it sounds like he was just trying to lead you down the path to a physical relationship with him, a step at a time, and as soon as you turned away the 'hug' and told him never, turning a physical affair down, he was out of there... that is a *really* strong clue that what he was really after was just sex. Someone who was a nice married friend would not have suggested hugs with a single woman to begin with, and certainly wouldn't have rejected you and your entire friendship so quickly/coldly as soon as he found out you were not interested in a physical relationship with him because he is married. so this is not a man looking for a relationship, because he already has one, with his wife, he was looking for potential extramarial sex, and you obviously wanted more from him than that and he realized it and bolted. there are many men who are *experts* at philandering, and know what words (i love you, there's nobody else like you, etc.) will hook women into their game, but they also know exactly when to bail, when it looks like you will expect too much from them or potentially call their wife or get them in trouble with work etc. so you should really look back on your 'relationship' with him and ask yourself, what about it really had to do with real love or even friendship? this was more likely just a married man hooking you into a flirtation, then dumping you quickly when it looked like he wasn't going to get sex or he was afraid that you would take it too seriously (you obviously did) and that it might lead to trouble for him (and you), which it also did... so you need to STOP right now and do devote yourself to repairing any damage you see has been done to your job because you have been obsessing about him, and throw yourself into doing your job well. also keep in mind that you have sent him tons of email that he could use against you if he feels threatened, by saying that you are obsessed with him or won't leave him alone or threatened him... and like all married men who cheat, he will deny, deny, deny that he is to blame for anything at all, including leading you on or stirring you up... cheaters have no character, so certainly don't expect him to stand up for you or help you in times of need or even defend your poor performance at work, because his goal is to protect himself, and will most likely say and do anything to take the heat off himself... he's already proved he's totally selfish by pursuing an extramarital affair to begin with... and be happy and proud that you didn't get involved with him more than you did, because philanderers are NOT about kindness or love or caring, they are about selfishness and immaturity and don't care that they are injuring multiple people to get their jollies off, including you or his wife. from what you have told us, this man probably does this more often than you know, and uses the same lines on every woman... he most likely has moved on to his next flirtation, and i suggest you recognize this guy was not special in any way, just a cheater who would cheat on you and anyone who got between him and his latest fleeting desire... i know of what i speak, because i had a married man i worked with who i was very fond of as a friend, but who tried to lure me into a sexual relationship with him, but i told him very openly that i don't do that because it hurts so many people. and i discovered a few years later that he had been cheating on his wife with *multiple* people, including getting one of these women pregnant with his child, and the exposure of this ultimately led to the downfall of his marriage. and needless to say, he did NOT marry the woman who broke up his marriage after she got pregnant, and she is raising that child by herself now. so men who try to cheat usually keep right on trying, and do so as often and as frequently as possible, and no one woman is special to them, since they are really trolling just for sex, not true love. so this situation may not have been what it seemed, and please try to continue to look at it with open eyes and resist any temptation to have anything to do with this guy at all, he is not worth the havoc it wreaks on your life or emotions... you have lots of depth and a lot of heart to give someone, just give it to someone who deserves it and don't waste one more second thinking about this jerk... you need to take care of yourself emotionally, see a counselor to talk about it if you can't stop thinking about it, and devote yourself to friends who really can be there for you, all the time, unlike a cheating married man. if you feel you can't rectify the damage that has already happened at work, start looking for another job immediately, and don't look back at this other than as an experience why it is NEVER a good idea to even flirt with a married man. there is an old saying they used to put on maps of the world for territories at the edge of the world, which was a warning that said, 'Beyond here lies monsters....' Honestly, flirting with married men always carries that warning, because most of these cheaters are indeed monsters who gobble up women's hearts and emotions while selfishly pursuing sex and flirtations to stroke their egos... this guy is just one of those jerks, and will most likely get his come uppance when his WIFE recognizes his true character and throws him out... so courage, my dear, if you swim out of his realm and back to safe territory, no more monsters!

i think the stress of a breakup (which everyone knows is intense) can sometimes push people into a clinical depression... you said you felt like your IQ etc. had dropped, so your brain chemistry may be out of whack from the stress and you should definitely go to a doctor and tell them how stressed and depressed you are feeling and get some help... nothing wrong with getting help when you need it, whether medication or talk to a counselor about your feelings to help you thru a rough time. contacting you ex will change nothing, just fan the flames of depression you are already feeling... it is like going to a dry well for a drink of water, there is no point to it, will only reinforce your sense of loss.... so the answer here is to move forward towards something positive in the future (and someone new who can give you the love you want), and get medical help if you need to do so, and don't look back towards someone who was the source of your pain... hang in there, and remember, looking back into the past won't help build your future, just drag you down.

i think people can get hung up on the concept of cheating (what it is and isn't), when what they should really be doing is talking to each other to find out what behaviors the other person perceives as harmful or have potential for destroying the relationship. and if your ideas of what can be harmful are very far apart, then maybe you are incompatible as a couple and need to find a partner who views things the way you do... and someone who will not do those things that would be hurtful to you... i think most people know deep down what will be hurtful to their partner if they know their partner well, but if they do it, they will try to get out of the 'cheating' label for themselves on a technicality, by declaring the act as 'not really cheating...' so don't let a semantic argument about what cheating is get in the way of a real discussion of whether you are compatible as a couple and care about avoiding doing things that will hurt the other person's feelings and drive a wedge into the relationship.

the most important thing is to be in a relationship with a person you really want to be with and respect and love, not to hang onto a relationship just because you don't want to be alone or are afraid a potential new relationship might not work out and hence you'd be alone. it is also really a shame to break up what is fundamentally a great relationship with a great person because you have a fleeting need or hunger for something different due to boredom, etc. so you need to do some thinking about a lot of things: what does this new guy have that is attracting you so much, and is it something your boyfriend can give you if you tell him you need it, or will he never be able to give it to you? do you consider your boyfriend someone you can seriously plan a life with, or is he just 'good enough for now' or until you meet someone you like better? first look at your current relationship to see if it is something that can go the distance, regardless of anyone else, and if you find that your boyfriend really isn't what you want/need, then you are better off breaking up with him for both your sakes so you both can find someone better suited to you. sometimes an attraction to someone else is a good way of realizing that your current relationship is lacking and should be ended, but you really need to look at your motivation and feelings, and not jerk either guy around because you want the safety of an established relationship, or the guarantee that a new one will work out and will replace your old boyfriend... every relationship is a gamble, so don't make a decision whether to stay or go based on needing to be in a relationship, but on the merits of the people involved. personally, i'd rather be in no relationship at all than be in one where i am always yearning for someone 'better' than my current boyfriend... not fair to either or you. just do your thinking up front though, and don't dump a good boyfriend because of a fleeting attraction to someone else or transient boredom either...

sounds like she does not feel well at all during those times... can be physical pain like cramps, or hormonal moodiness... lots of women don't feel well around that time of the month... she might really appreciate it if you just ask her about it sometime in a caring way... like asking, are you not feeling well? is there something i can do for you? don't do it in a judging way tho, like your complaining about it, more like you are wondering why she doesn't want to see you, and hope that she is ok... it is also hard for some women to talk about it because they are shy about their periods, so she may just avoid you because she feels badly and doesn't want to say she feels too badly to do a lot with you during those times...