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About Me

  1. Wow, I can not believe you have been gone for almost 3 years now. That seems an impossible amount of time. I come to think of you because I know we will be leaving you behind when we move. That does not grieve me like it once did. I know you are not really in your burial place but in my heart and in heaven. I have let go of a lot of grief, but there will always be some while I can not see or hold you. I will have to wait for my life to be over to do that. Your big brother still talks about you and asks what you would be doing in life now had you been with us. I think his heart is better off knowing you did exist, even if you are not with us. He is not angry anymore and he speaks of you with love in his eyes and joy in his heart. You both would have been fabulous together. Dad misses you too but he walls it inside, he said your death was the single worse day of his life. We are all moving on though and we still think of you daily and less and less with sorrow. kisses little one, Love Mommy
  2. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  3. My boyfriend lost his father last night, he had been I'll with cancer for a long time so he was somewhat prepared but he's still heartbroken. I don't know what to say to him or do for him, especially right now since we're seperated because of the virus. I tend to ramble when I'm sad, I'll send paragraphs and random stuff to him throughout the day most of which he doesn't respond to. He's trying his best to call me 3 or 4 times during the day for updates about the funeral and how devastated he is😭. My question is is it normal for him to not respond to texts or messages during the grieving process, or am i just overthinking all of it. Please help, what can i say to ease his pain?
  4. Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here. I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex. Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on. This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach. __________ The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference. ___________ Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event. Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through. Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others. Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief. Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself. Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break. Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up. If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away. Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting. Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you. Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful. Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts. Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial. Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process. Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate. Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done. At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle. If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support. Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name. The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.
  5. Hi All, My mom passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago this past June. I feel like some days I have found some peace with it but other days I feel like it is all fresh and new and I just can't ease the pain. I am not in denial and yet some days I just can't seem to accept that she is gone. I grieve for myself and for my children. She was a huge part of their lives. I grieve all the important moments in their lives that she won't share. I was not at all prepared for her passing. It was sudden and she was fairly young. I was with her in the end and it wan't peaceful. I watched as the medical team performed CPR several times over the course of the night and I had to finally make the decision to let her go. I have looked for grief counseling groups in my area and haven't yet found any. I also am in therapy and it helps some. I know there are many others who have lost loved ones and have worse situations that I do. I feel like I need to handle this better but some days all I can do is cry. I guess I just feel lost with this grief.
  6. Hi all. I have had an on and off relationship, for 6.5 years. I have had on going phone problems, regardless of service provider. Including not getting and/or recieving texts, or phone calls, my phone ( this includes at least 4 different phones), shutting off, randomly, not having service etc. This has caused an awful lot of grief, in our relationship, as it is always blamed on me, personally. And gets to a point, that he gets so angry, and decides to not want to talk to me, or see me, even without him getting an explanation, as to why it happened, or possibilities, of why. And then he starts drinking, and calls names, and is very rude. Does anyone understand why he blames me? It's nothing that i do! Thank you
  7. Hey everyone. It's been a few months since I last posted. Last time, I talked of a break up that happened back in November 2019. Well, here's what's happened since then: I'm afraid I did not take the advice of cutting contact with her back in November. For a while, I was doing well about just talking with her has friends. But over time, it became clear that we could not handle that sort of thing. In December we went back to talking like boyfriend and girlfriend again, and it wasn't long before we were talking about how we could be a better couple in the future. After having not seen her since the end of September, I finally saw her again during a New Years event. While we were super anxious about seeing each other, it was honestly very nice. We got to catch up and remind ourselves of why we had feelings for each other. Honestly one of the most romantic events of my life. That being said, when I returned home after those few days out of town, I remembered all the reasons we originally broke up, and I knew that those reasons were still there. I felt like we were about to jump into the exact same situation, and once again I felt a horrible gut feeling about moving forward. So on January 10th, I once again let her go. For some reason, the break up this time was so much harder on me than in November. Within the month, I learned that she was already talking to a new guy. I was shocked at this, for she was always expressing that no one in her life compared to me, and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought, for these reasons, it would at least take her as long to heal as it would me. I have been distraught since then. I have been wrestling with depression and grief. I've questioned how she could move on so quickly from me, and I questioned whether I really ever meant anything to her or not. I've wondered if she even thinks about me anymore, and wondered how I can be so easily forgettable. Even tonight, I noticed on a certain social media platform (Pinterest) that she and this new guy are sharing things about houses, suggesting to me that they are already talking about living together or maybe even spending life together. I am shocked and devastated. I have to say, all the free time that has come with the coronavirus quarantine has made the healing and moving on process 100x harder to deal with. I even feel more broken than I did in January. I have shed more tears in the past 3 months than I have in all my life. While I'm taking baby steps about working on myself during this time, it has been hard to motivate myself to do anything substantial. Life has not felt worth living. I have lost all hope. I'd love to believe her being with this new guy so soon is a red flag and shows I made the right choice. Do you guys think that? I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am a heartbroken fool. I feel betrayed, even though obviously I know she has not wronged me. I realize I brought this all on myself; I know I must take responsibility. But I could use some advice and encouragement right now. Thank you.
  8. Posting here out of desperation because my inability to get over this breakup (nearly a year and a half ago) is sinking my entire life. My grief about this is so overwhelming I have twice been rejected for therapy following assessment; they kept saying I wasn’t in the right place for it but didn’t offer me any help in the meantime. I need to do something though. Time isn't helping. Being so 'no contact' I wouldn't know if he died isn't helping. Attempting to date other people isn't helping. I really don't want my life to be ruined by this relationship and breakup but it's very much going that direction. Context because it might explain why I’m finding this so hard to come to terms with: Ex broke up with me nearly 18 months ago after 2 years on/off. I had lots of anxiety about losing him. Tried to bottle it up around him but it wrecked the first iteration of our relationship (I still can’t forgive myself for that). When we got back together a few months later, I coped by being the most chill and, in retrospect, didn’t ask for enough. Throughout our relationship, we were sexually enthralled with each other. We had the mutually acknowledged best sex of our lives—apparently much better than with his now gf— and part of me still has trouble believing he gave that up. It emerged after another year that he had simultaneously been seeing someone else and that she had given him an ultimatum. He dramatically went back and forth between us a few times before settling on her for good. He made it clear that he was deciding between us about who to settle down with, that it had been a difficult decision, but he had to be practical and could only live with/marry/have children with one woman. (Two weeks before this he’d asked me what I thought it would be like if we got married and had a baby.) He seemed to have developed this tiresome good girl/bad girl, wife/mistress, Madonna/ thing with us. But it felt like he was giving her a future and condemning me to go through life alone (we’re at the age where these are make or break relationships: either you end up with someone and build a life or get left behind to go it all alone, without love or intimacy). He initially didn't make moving on easy: he kept messaging me that he loved me. We met up to disentangle our lives and he kept touching me. Another meeting months later ended in bed—a result he’d apparently premeditated. He told me they were having boring sex and that he thought about me all the time. We met up a couple more times—him instigating and with predictable results. He quickly confessed our dalliances to his girlfriend. They briefly broke up and got back together. He sent me a letter telling me that and that he was addicted to me. Asked me to never contact him again and blocked me everywhere. And that’s it. It’s been months and months and I’m still blocked and he’s still reformed. It seems like the near loss of her was the shock he needed to stop cheating and fix other things in his life. I can’t imagine he’ll ever risk being in contact with me again. I love him so I genuinely want him to be happy and healthy, to not self-destruct again. But I am still drowning in grief over our breakup and over this seemingly great, committed, future-oriented relationship he nearly gave me and is now having with someone else. He’s treated me terribly but all in the service of preserving this relationship with her. He was capable of commitment and consistency all along. He strung us both along for years and then gave her a great relationship at the end of it. Part of me is just aghast that after everything, it's worked out for them. I don’t know much about their lives (by design) but just the knowledge that they’re happily living together nearby rips me apart on a daily basis. It feels like somehow she got all my happiness—which maybe I could accept or at least understand if she were extraordinary. But she’s basic. I have fairly low self-esteem but she is like a less attractive, less intelligent version of me (we even look alike). Mutual friends told me she basically adopted his personality and his interests and worships him. He himself told me she was a "blank slate"! But I'm increasingly realising this is his forever relationship. So his life is rushing away from me and I’m stranded in this out of date grief, staring at the void of his absence--because there’s nowhere else to look. Nothing has changed for me since the breakup; the universe hasn’t given me anything else good. I’m rarely attracted to or interested in anyone and haven’t been in the years since we met. I’m increasingly aware how rare that connection is and it seems it’s just never going to happen for me again. Every few months I scroll through dating apps with this growing nausea, sickened by what I have lost (and his gf has), what I’d have to settle with. I can never bring myself to meet people anymore. If I ever found someone I liked as much, the odds of him liking me back enough to commit to me the way ex has to his gf seem astronomical. I’m more likely to be struck by lightning. So I’ve basically accepted I’ll never have another relationship. But with that comes with a whole other bottomless well of grief. In addition to him, I have to grieve this coupled life I thought I’d get, any children I thought I’d have, myself as a sexual being. I can’t imagine a moment in my life when I won’t be devastated by all this. I’ll be 60 and still wishing he had chosen differently. I still think about him constantly; so much reminds me of him. I’m still jolting awake each morning, remembering the breakup with a surge of nausea. My thoughts and emotions about it haven’t evolved since the immediate frantic aftermath. I even had a near-death experience in the autumn and once the immediate fear and trauma subsided, I immediately went back to obsessing over him. Nothing makes me feel better about it. I have spent this weekend pathetically sobbing about him, thinking about him, fantasising about him—while across town he and his girlfriend are supporting each other and having quarantine sex and leading a life that is 10,000x better than mine. I don’t know why I didn’t deserve that happiness and got this instead. I really need to come to terms with this and make do with the joy I can get but I feel poisoned by my unabated feelings for him and my memories and his perfect ing 'forever' relationship. How do I make peace with this so it doesn't keep cannibalising me? It's practically all i think about.
  9. Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I were dating for six months. After the first month, his mother was diagnosed with a brain disease and the next few months she was in and out of the hospital. I was there for him everytime it seemed like it was over and he never failed to thank me and tell me how much he loved and appreciated me. The morning of her death (in late November) everything was normal, he was telling me his plans for the day and chatting away. Then we had radio silence. I thought he was just busy until I saw his sister posted something thanking everyone for their well wishes and giving information about her mother's funeral services. He didn't contact me again until a few days later when he said he needed some space to clear his head. I agreed and we didn't talk for two weeks. When I reached out again he broke up with me and said he didn't want a relationship right now. He said I deserved to be happy and he didn't think that happiness was with him. He needed space to clear his head and just wanted me to be happy. I said I was happiest with him but he just asked me not to wait for him because he needs time. I reached out to him a few times after and he said he still has feelings for me but doesn't want a girlfriend for now. I sent him a message saying I'm here for him for whatever and will always support him. He hasn't replied or even opened the message since I sent it. I honestly don't expect a response. My closest experience to grief was with my grandfather but my grief reaction was to replace all the pain in my life with love. Love for my school, friends, and family. I understand that everyone grieves differently but why did he shut me out the day after he was telling me how much he loves me? Why did he just break up with me like I meant nothing? Will he come back after grieving? I'm rebuilding my life without him but there's little moments I want to share with him but can't. Should I ever contact him again? For those of you who have been the griever or the dumpee, what was your thought process? What ended up happening? Did you get back together?
  10. I am hoping some advice will be given here without judgment on the situation. Please believe me when I say I have been grieving terribly and not coping very well the past month or so in general due to the circumstance. However, the situation I am questioning about has lead to further grief, making it an extremely rough time at the moment. I am unsure who else to turn to, so I believe this may be a good place to start. I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year, I must point out here that he was reliable, considerate, caring and very understanding. We shared a good bond with many great moments and we were physically involved. Then everything took an unexpected turn. I had become unwell temporarily, which lead to my contraception failing without my knowledge at the time. I had fallen pregnant, I discovered this very early stages with a home pregnancy test, as I knew something was just not right. I felt afraid, mixed emotions and perhaps numb to an extent. I wasn’t fearful of telling him, I never doubted for a moment that he wouldn’t be there, and he was. He stepped up like any decent man would and we communicated and worked together weighing up the pros and cons. I am a very career driven woman and we both agreed due to many circumstances, it was best not to proceed. We both made this decision. This did not make the decision any easier for the both of us, it was a terrible time and we were definitely very emotional on the final decision but we knew for the sake of ourselves and for the baby, it would have been unfair to go ahead with it. Until the final decision, we were in it together. We knew it would be a hard time but we would get through it together, I had no doubts. A week after the termination, I had an extremely emotional day. I was an emotional mess and not thinking rationally or calmly, I still do not know why I said what I did, but I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties. There was a lot more to that message, but that is probably the most important part. He did respond with a heartfelt response, which was basically giving me what I want and that he just wanted me to be happy. Within an hour I responded with an apology and expressed that I was in a very low mind at the present time and I take it all back. That I still needed and wanted him in my life. Since that day, I have not received anything back. He became uncontactable within just a week and a few short days after the termination. I have sent a number of messages over the past few weeks (definitely probably not the wisest choice) I have expressed to him how I am feeling, how I am not coping and worrying if he is coping okay too, that I wish he would speak to me again because I have no understanding of why he is doing this. I am still connected to him through all social networking applications too, have not been removed or blocked, although he is not posting anything. It has been a month, since he has not made contact. I had said everything I could. I am grieving in more ways than one, I am grieving for two losses currently and I cannot think of any logical reason why he would continue to cut me out so coldly when he genuinely cared to begin with and has been informed I did not mean any of it. If I am barely coping, maybe he is not coping so well either. I do not know, but any advice would be very appreciated. As I mentioned, please no judgement on this situation as I am very fragile at the moment. I am just looking for some thoughts on this from different perspectives.
  11. As I said in some previous posts, my ex wanted to be friends but it was too painful for me because I'm still in love and she's not. So as advised by some of the good people on this site, I broke that off with her but said she should get in touch if she ever considers reconciliation. That was four days ago and I still have much grieving to do, but every day is a bit better. My question is: why was it a good idea to leave the door open for her? Why is it a good idea to allow her to think I'm hers for the taking if/when things don't work out for her in the dating world? My gut tells me it's the right thing to do, my heart hopes to hear from her again someday, but my brain says I'm a real dumba$$.
  12. In February, I came out of an eight month relationship with a girl who meant an awful lot to me. It's been six months now, and I'm still in the rut of trying to move past this and be happy while still getting dragged down (I reached my absolute lowest point yesterday). This isn't for lack of trying as I've tried numerous different things to get myself out of this mess. Writing songs and getting back into writing music, online therapy (that one turned out to be a bit of a bust since I wasn't told anything that I couldn't have been told for free by someone without a fancy certificate), and even going on a couple of dates with other people (with mixed results). No matter what I've tried, I always end up back in this state of despair. I feel that I'm becoming jaded towards the notion of love and relationships, and that it's just something I'll have to do without. I understand why the relationship had to end, and that it was for the best, but I can't help but find myself thinking 'what if things were different?'. After all, the only issues we had were on my part and I wasn't able to fix them (she felt I was holding back out of fear of upsetting/offending her, and I wasn't able to have back and forth teasing with her as I couldn't always tell if she was joking due to my Asperger's), therefore I have no one to blame for this mess other than myself. Is this just what my future will be? Forever stuck in this rut of temporary happiness followed by intense grief and lament over a past that's now long gone? Will I just be stuck trying to recreate what we had with someone else without the issues that lead to its downfall? But what if I do eventually move on, and then find someone else only for them to not stick around as well? There's only so much I can take, and right now I feel I'm at my absolute lowest when I thought I was getting better. Should I just accept that I'm better off alone? How do you even let go?
  13. My boyfriend of 5 years have broken (I broke up with him reluctantly) a few times because he lied to me about his finances (irresponsible by charging too much etc) and I knew I couldn’t live with him under those circumstances. We missed each other so badly each time we reconciled and he promised to be honest. Last time we reconciled he swore he completely changed but I’ve learned he did something dishonest last month by using his elderly parents credit card. I haven’t told him yet but obviously I need to do so ASAP and break up. I’m completely devastated and so unbearably lonely without him. I’ve dated others during our breaks and just never got a connection like I do with him. I’m ready to give up. I’m a widow and all alone. I don’t see any future. I can’t go on like this much longer.
  14. My partner of almost two years went radio silent on me about three weeks ago. No goodbyes, no explanations, just *poof* gone. I only had confirmation from his family, with whom I got very close, in the form of e-mails saying "Sorry it didn't work out." I'm confused. I put so much time, energy, money, emotion into this only to feel unceremoniously thrown away. Abandonment is a huge thing for me so it's been hard to process, hard to grieve as I have no explanation why, and even tougher to take care of myself. I know things were getting bad, it started out 50/50 time wise. Then he started to only give me 40% so I overcompensated with 60% ... it kept getting less and less. He had less time for me, he had less patience with me, had less of everything to give. At one point I told him I was starving emotionally because he just wouldn't give me anything. But I had no designs on just leaving him. I was willing to do counseling, I was willing to put in the time and work it out. I don't understand why this is happening. I gave him so much of me. He would constantly say, "Well if you would just ___ maybe the relationship would be better." and I DID over and over. I wore the clothes he wanted, I did the kind of jobs he thought were acceptable, I bought a new car to fit more into the lifestyle his family wanted for us. Why wasn't it enough? Why am I never enough? I am not some non-self aware individual. I don't want this to be an ex bashing because I still care for him so deeply. I thought maybe he was talking to someone else towards the end and possibly cemented something with them and that's why he just ... shut down? I don't know. I am so confused and I want to know what I can do to heal, grieve, and be better. I am going to counseling, apart of a support group, and my friends are great. But this agony is just... so much. I woke up this morning in my beautiful home, I am healthy, rested... but I woke up today and just sobbed in my bed. I don't want to feel this way anymore and it just doesn't make sense in my brain. I feel like if it made sense or there was some closure I would be able to heal properly... I am just crying all over my keyboard.
  15. Does anyone else get this every morning. The first few weeks after breaking up I woke up with reality hitting me and wanting to cry, but now it's more just an overwhelming feeling of dread and hopelessness upon waking up. It makes me not want to get out of bed and just hide under the covers, kind of like there's nothing worth getting up for. Once I'm up the feeling quickly subsides..I'm not suddenly happy but I'm not quite as depressed. Is this just a normal part of the grieving process and will it eventually go away?
  16. Please could I ask for some advice? I've been in a strange kind of half friendship/half relationship for some time now, and I've known for a while that my feelings for him are stronger than his are for me. For him, it's just casual - whereas I've fallen head over heels for him. So I need to get myself out of this situation and move on. It's become apparent that he feels I'm too attached - and he's right. I'm trying to distance myself, but the only way I can describe how I feel is like it's a bereavement, but I still see the person I'm grieving for as we move in the same circles. On Friday night, we are both going to be at the same social event - a monthly event that I generally really enjoy. I will be alone this time. I think he is likely to turn up with another woman - or if he is alone, that he will keep his distance from me (we're usually very flirty when together). Inside I will probably be feeling terrible, but I don't want him to know that. Does anyone have any insight on how I can handle my feelings, and how I should approach this? I feel like I'm going to have to go into some kind of 'role' to get through the evening with my dignity intact, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do?
  17. I am in the dating but non-exclusive stage with a man who is losing his grandma, and is all torn up about it. We usually talk a few times every day, but yesterday he did it call until 9pm to say hi/goodnight and I felt something was wrong. This morning he called to tell me that maybe it’s because he’s processing some intense raw emotion right now, but he felt weird that I didn’t contact him all day yesterday. That his grandma is on her way out and he was at the hospital for 14 hours yesterday and he’s absolutely distraught. He said he knows we are in the weird grey area, and he doesn’t own and can’t expect the world of me. He said maybe he’s just feeling really emotional right now. He said he can’t hang out tonight or for the next few nights because she’s definitely going to go any day now, and then there’s the wake and funeral. I told him I was so sorry to hear what he was going through, and I’d be a complete mess if it was me. I told him I didn’t call because we are in a weird dating place and I wanted to respect his space and not overstep his boundaries. I told him I wanted to be there for him however he needed me to be. Then I asked him what he needed. He said he’d like for me to check in with him if I wanted to. I said I would. Then he got off the phone with me cause he said he was really upset and didn’t want to talk to anybody. How do I support him at this moment?
  18. I've been dating this guy for the last 2 months. We both agreed that we were not casually dating but have not yet called it a relationship so I guess it's somewhere in between. Things have been going well until his friend passed away earlier this week. In my attempt to comfort him I accidentally said something that made things worse - in short it was a case of choosing the wrong word and a massive misunderstanding, which I apologised for immediately. So that was the beginning of his withdrawal. Later on that night I sent him another apology by text, no response. A day later I tried reaching out again, he finally replied and said "don't worry about it, it happens." I've left him alone since and we didn't speak all week. I still felt terrible so I sent him a care package yesterday without telling him, he was very surprised and grateful. I know that he's grieving and the last thing I want to do is get in the way, so I've decided at this point to just be passive, give him all the space and time and wait for him to contact me when he's ready to. My question is what are the chances that he's simply not interested in me anymore and I should just move on? How long should I give it before I try to talk to him about it, and if I should bring it up at all? I'm usually someone who would ask the question just to get some closure but I understand that this situation is a little more delicate. Any advice would be appreciated.
  19. So recently I moved back to an old city where I rejoined a band I used to play in. We probably play 1-2x/week. After a couple months I got to know one of the guys better and had a much improved opinion of him- really liked that he seemed to be working on himself, had lost weight, working in a co-op, quit smoking recently, drinking less, much more positive than before and into gratitude. I had been told that he had a crush on me at some point in the past (7 years ago? 10?) though he never really made a move. My one friend had been trying to get me to consider him for years tho after I started a whatever-this-is with him she said he never said anything specifically that he liked me. Anyway I developed a crush...he invited me to hang out, we talked all day, including a lot of intimate subjects like dating experiences/relationship wants/family stuff/life goals, went out for dinner and drinks. Later back at his place was saying I was cold (there was a blizzard), he got a quilt to put round me, I was like, that's not what I wanted, I wanted you...right, so makeout ensued. It was cuddling and kissing but for at least an hour and I slept over since trains weren't running from the storm. Next day he says he's not sure, we play in a group, he needs to take it slow. I said I have to take it slow too (didn't tell him, but I have never had a boyfriend even though in mid-30s, this freaks people out usually and is not something I mention in detail at this point), I said well, we're adults, let's just communicate with each other and see? He seemed cool with that. We hung out maybe another 5-6 times in the next 3 or so weeks. The next time of these he told me that he didn't think he was ready for a relationship. He had told me the first time we hung out there was an ex who was basically stalking him...got a job in place next to his, that day had showed up at his apartment unbidden, also that month had showed up to two of our performances and in breaks standing around awkwardly while he obviously did not want to talk to her. He also was having a lot of grief from his father's passing in the fall. His mom has alzheimer's, diagnosis happened last year too. As I mentioned I don't have a lot of dating experience so again I was like, um, well, we just started whatever this is, I don't care what it's called right now, let's get to know each other. Also I was going out of town for a month (at the end of the 3 weeks). Again he seemed cool with this, he didn't mention it again. All of our other hangs have been similar, deep talks, a little flirting, making out. Once I went out with him to a place where his friends all hang out (the ones I never met before) but he introduced me as a friend to some of his friends. Also two of his local bars where staff knows him, one place I was introduced as friend, other not. The last time I saw him was at a performance, the ex showed up, I guess he felt bad because trains stopped running and he drove her home (was NOT happy to be in that situation), though he did kiss me goodbye. He texted me well wishes for my journey but I didn't get it for a few days due to no cell signal. When I texted back we had a little back and forth but it was short. Neither of us texts a lot, it's usually just to make a plan to hang out. He said he was tired and going to bed early, just working extra hours (he had stated he was trying to adult more and save up some money) and working on a new album. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks now. A week ago he sent an email out quitting the band for next 6 months because he was burnt out. Everyone was really surprised and even worried that something had happened. I already was having thoughts of whether things were over since I didn't hear from him, I wrote an email saying that I was sad he was taking time off and would miss him in the group, but understand he was going through a lot. I told him when I would have a cell signal that week and to call if he wanted, and also when I was back in the city we live in. He never responded to this, nor anyone else's emails/texts/calls. Eventually he talked to one guy and said again he was burnt out and also still grieving. He went on a trip last weekend to visit his mom who is in a home that he posted on social media. I'm back now but still nothing. I don't know what I should do at this point. I feel like I didn't do anything wrong, it's not personal, but he obviously did say he didn't think he was ready to date. I feel like part of problem is that some of his past relationships are too intense and that I'm fine with having space, not being around 24/7. I'm used to doing my own thing. I want him to do what he needs to. But I also want to be wanted. My mutual friends think I shouldn't give up, he's been hurt, family stuff is still big, and can be emotional/needs space. I don't want to scare him away with a DTR talk, I think after only couple dates it's a little early anyway- the main thing I guess is insecurity about being really liked or just convenient. The frequency of hanging out was fine. But I feel like I am the one who has indicated more interest. Have been really trying to give space and mirror in terms of texting etc. I know especially with grief or even depression it can be hard for people to stay in contact. But is that also an excuse ugh?? He is first guy who really didn't pressure me with the physical stuff especially sex, which I also have not had (but really really want to, tho in a healthy situation). Everyone else I've dated has tried to get in my pants somewhere between dates 1-3 and then when I am not ready ditches me. We have definitely attraction I feel anyway, progressing slowly but surely on the physical thing. He always asks what can I do for you before we do something and says thank you a lot which is unusual to me but cool (also told him this). We've had sleepover most times we hung out, cuddling/spooning both after making out and then again in morning.
  20. I know I am starting to post a lot on here just now but I do really feel that I need a second opinion. I am always 2nd guessing myself and feel torn between my mum and partners feelings also. My very close cousin to me passed away 2nd January. I had a holiday booked with mum but we went and had a nice time. Post mortum came back but funeral is in a couple of weeks. That's all fine. I feel personally like I am struggling with this right now, I feel upset one minute then the next its like I just cant feel that its all real. I know what grief feels like, I lost my dad almost 3 years ago so I should be ok ???? My partner just doesn't seem to supportive but I don't know if its just me or not..... When I get upset he says I really need to learn to be a stronger person, that I should be able to control it ???? He thinks I am making myself upset because " I feel sorry for myself" or "I want to be unhappy" I mean don't get me wrong he cuddles me etc when I cry but expects me to just snap right out of it, I really struggle with that. Like I said I cant put my finger on it but im really struggling at the moment and I really don't feel he is supporting me even though he says he is always there for me. When I tell him that I just get told i am wrong and basically it makes him feel horrible. I understand this but its how I feel. He says I am turning everything round to be about me ??? I cant see that but if I am please feel free to say. We are struggling with money at the moment so myself and mum are going alone as she is paying for me (I cant expect her to pay for us all) Of course I would love him to be there to support me but its just going to be difficult. The reason being is the funeral is 5 hours train ride so yeah we will need to stay over . We planned to go down the day before so we can go and visit my little cousin (cousins daughter) the day before so we can spend some time alone as she is going to be struggling the day of the funeral. Return 2 days later. (and her mum has been giving me grief via fb also) Also my partner has never met my cousin who has passed. Now my partner thinks I am being horrible towards him??? That I am trying my best to avoid him ??? Wanting time apart. Its so not that... No matter how I try to explain I am getting made feel horrible , that I don't take his feelings into consideration etc. I do normally bend over backwards to help him out but I just couldn't on this one. He thinks I should go down the day of the funeral (its 4pm) and come back the same night so that he could come!!! Am I being unreasonable here???? Its family, I cant just turn up and go and to be fair I want to be there early also encase there are any traffic delays etc??? So now he is googling stuff, saying it could have been much cheaper etc (after I told him it was organised) even though he told he wasn't going and knew I had 2 days off work. This is just making me feel miserable. He even at one stage said we have made it into a HOLIDAY!!!!!! !!!!! This is going to be least visit we have ever done. I have already said sorry for upsetting him and explain my reasons but he wont listen to me. Maybe if he had suggested this before we booked it then I would have thought about it but he didn't. In my mind I was always going down the day before to spend some time with my cousin since we don't see each other a lot and I mean If he was with me it would be the same but just wasn't financially possible. We have basically wasted a full day of long txts talking about this and I am drained. This happens a lot btw. Am I wrong ??? Am I selfish (a word I get flung at me a lot) Help x
  21. Hi All, I'm having an extremely difficult time getting through this breakup of a 7 year relationship. My ex ended things a month ago, 2 days after he got out of rehab and is completely loving the single life. Some back story: 3 years ago we moved in with each other to a new city where he was going to start school. I had a very difficult time making friends and became pretty codependent. He would get frustrated and brought up his issues constantly. I am very conflict-avoidant so these issues were very stressful and most often going in one ear and out the other the second he wasn't upset about it. This stress on the relationship also caused stress in our sex life (a HUGE issue for him). This past year he absolutely couldn't deal anymore and starting using drugs and drinking as a means to cope because no matter what he tried, things were not getting any better and he did not know when enough was enough. He is now 2 months sober and my extreme hurt and impulsive reaching out to him is really triggering him to want to throw that all away. Like I said, he is so happy with his new life, new friends, quit his career, and attends AA 3x a day. This is so hard to go through a breakup and watch him be okay with it and even be HAPPY! I am grieving so hard because this really is all my fault to begin with, which makes it worse. He has grieved slowly over the course of 3 years which makes it much easier on him, although he hates how upset I am. I met up with him yesterday to give him a gift of a scrapbook I made of our dog we have together and noticed a big hickey on his neck. My God I wish I didn't see that. I almost slapped him. What was getting me through this breakup was HOPE. Hope that maybe he just needed space and a break to really find himself again. But it seems that he definitely wasn't okay with our sex life and found it somewhere else, a month after this breakup. I am back at square one, and probably even worse off than I originally was to begin with. I screamed at him, I made him feel like , I told him I hated him. He blocked me from every social media and phone number to protect his sobriety and now I am alone. I'm so stuck. I can't get the images of him being with someone else out of my head. I wish I could move on too, but I feel that I am not ready and that would be unfair to someone else. It just makes me so angry and hurt that he was able to do that.
  22. But I'm not contacting him anymore mainly because I feel it's pointless. He stated his truth and I can't force a relationship. I'm sick for the first time in years which I know is related to the break up. I'm struggling and wishing and hoping I'm not going to, but I know in my heart of hearts that we aren't right for each other. It doesn't change how I feel about him though, I really did love him. Still do. Even God prevented me from seeing him, my car was broken down for a week just found out it's repaired today. It's just so sad to me that even though we both love each other we can't make it work. I always thought love was worth fighting for. I never really had it. I'm so sad. I keep wishing my life would end because I can't believe I have to keep living this awfulness. At least this time I'm mentally stable still, but physically it hit me like a ton of bricks. Than I wonder how he's doing, he was depressed without treatment. It's been 3 days of NC, every day is a struggle for me not to reach out to him. I just keep telling myself it's really over but it doesn't feel over.
  23. ok, wasn't quite sure which forum to post this in as it covers quite a few different things, but 'conflict' seems ot sum it up at the moment. When i started university a few years ago i met a great guy, who i fooled around with a bit. our relationship started off based on sex, though we became friends. neither of us really saw each other as anything more though. things got complicated though as both of us became more and more ocnfused over the next year and a half about what we wanted. we alsmot got together a couple of times and became really close as friends, but something never seemed quite right. last easter we decided ot end things once and for all, and after no contact for a while, seeing him again and beocming friends again, everything suddenly clicked and i fell in love with him. after that we spent two monthes together in the summer travelling, and had a great time, no real problems at all. there were still some leftver issues from 2 years of fighting and insecurity, but things were really starting to progress nicely. after that i didn't see him for a month,then he moved university.initially, things still seemed great, it was hard, but we didn't seem to have any really issues. hegot really ill a couple of times though, and when hes ill he's rubbish at staying in touch and ignores my calls and texts. which causes me to get angry and lose my patience. then i saw he had a profile on a sex site (stating he was single), which added to the tension, even though i knew he would never act on that. making up was made even harder by the distance, btu things were going ok. i did notice increasingly though that he was beocming much less affectionate in public, and quite dioatnt sometimes, then really loving at others. he's had a history of depresison as a result of his dad's and girlfriend's deaths about 4/3 years ago, and he amditted to me that he got lonely someitmes at his new uni, and didn't have any real friends there. thinsg came to a crunch really when one of his old friends from home died and he didn't contact me for 2 weeks (even to inform me this had happened), despite pset answerphone messages etc. i went down to see him to check he was ok, and after lots of me trying to explain much he hurt me and some anger on my part, we had a really lovely day the next day. i aske dhim if he needed swme more space and time alone, and he said no, but i made it clear that if he did it was ok, he just had to let me know. after that though i didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, and only then it was a pretty harsh email ending things. in those two weeks i tried to be as supportive as possible, and sent him a few nice emails. after 2 weeks minus 1 day though i flipped (out of hurt and worry) and sent him a couple of not very nice text messages, whch i think triggered things. he said himself that he knows he shouldn't be in a relationship right now, and after spekain g to him last nigth we agreed that instea dof breaking up full stop, i wouldn't contact him until he'd felt like he'd had enough space and time to deal with what he was going through. then we'd both decide if we wanted be friends/nothing/together again. it really feels like hes never propperly dealt with his grief from his dad's and girlfriends death, and when something bad happens, or things get too tough in daily life, he really struggles to cope. i've really tried to be so suppotive and understanding, but its hard because of the distance, and because he sometimes withdraws from me. (though last time i saw him he was really lovely). all through this i just keep wondering if 'hes just not that into me' (especially given our previous uncertainty) or whether this is more about him than us. i know onyl he can help him now, but im worried hes never really going to deal with his issues. i was wondering if anyone had any previous experiuences of men and depresison/grief or any advice? thanks
  24. Hello everyone, My dad died almost 4 months ago after a 7 month fight with lung cancer. The first month after he died, I was a wreck. Nearly failed out of graduate school. I have seemed to pull myself together over the last three months with the help of counseling and supportive friends. I also have a new relatioship with an amazing man that has been blooming slowly over the last two months. I was getting back to my research and everything seemed ok. Over the last two weeks though, I can't concentrate. I hate going into the lab to do my science. I dread it. It makes no sense to me anymore. I just really want to be with friends, write, paint and relax. I have always been very scientific and intellectual. I finished med school and decided to go get my PhD. I am 4 years into my program and I am not sure what to do. Is this normal for people who grieve? Will it pass? Will I ever get my passion for scientific research back? Last weekend I met my boyfriends father. He has lung cancer but is doing really well, compared to how my dad did. I also found out my boyfriend is a closet smoker who has done everything to conceal it from me. He was hopeing he could quit before I found out, but I found out. Suddenly I find myself smoking again after quiting last year. I feel like things are spinning out of control. I really miss when I am not with my new boyfriend. We have alot in common and he really listens to me. It is such a good thing. I am just afraid that maybe I was not really in control of my grief before I started this wonderful new relationship. Is there ever really a right time to fall in love? AH! Any advice is appreciated. It makes me feel better to just type this out. Hope everyone is having a peaceful night. Thanks for reading. Moulinbleu
  25. Today has been a rough day. I cried a lot. Slept a lot. I even got angry. I've been so defensive. I've felt like I have to defend myself from the rapist and his accomplice. But I really don't have to anymore. I know who they are and what they've done. I think I'm okay to grieve now. I'm been fighting an invisible force, I've been afraid of being beaten down. Maybe they can hurt me again...who knows. I'm tired of trying to fight. I want to be at peace again, I want to be peaceful again, and I can't be that way when I'm constantly on guard. I do have a lot of trauma to work through because of the rape, and that's okay. Nothing's wrong with being sad. I know people have been expressing that to me, but I just couldn't accept it. And when it comes to the investigation. That's okay too. They will lie, because they are liars. And I can honestly say now, that I'm okay with it, because I don't expect them to be anything more than what they are. And that's that. Not to say that I won't vent from time to time, or be sad. But I think I'm beginning to accept that the rape WAS out of my control. They meant to do me harm, and they did, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm half of a person. They were just mean, and they would have done it to anyone. I am blessed to be alive. If they overdosed me I could have died. And that does make me sad. It makes me sad to think that they could have killed me when I had shown nothing but kindness to either of them. But that's life. And I'll grieve. I'll grieve for me. Because I've been hurt really badly, and now I have to heal. I'm better now. And I think that despite all of this, I can still be me. I think that's what has been scaring me. That I now have to be a different person. But I can be the same person I used to be. I'll be wiser now. More cautious, but overall, I'm going to try to be me. And I'll try to remind myself that I'm not responsible for their actions. I think the rape made me feel tied to them, tied to them and their evilness, and that made me feel like a bad person. But I won't be tied to them any longer. They are on their own now. I'll prohibit them from having any part in my life. Even in my thoughts (to the best of my ability of course). I think I'll do my best to forget them, not what they've done...but them. So, that's how I feel. Thanks for everything guys! Espicially listening. ~Grace
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