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About Me

  1. My boyfriend's mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly 5 months ago, leaving him an orphan at age 36. His mother had raised him by herself and his father had remarried but died just a few years ago. His stepmother and half-siblings stopped talking to him after his father died, so it was as if he suddenly had no family left at all. When his mother died, I was the first and only person he turned to, and I held him all night and listened to him talk. He had to fly to another state to take care of arrangements and I offered to go with him. He tried to book a flight for me but nothing was available, so he asked me to come in the future to help him pack up his mother's house and be at his side at the memorial service instead. I tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone while he was away. We were in frequent touch and he told me everything about what he was feeling and going through. But when he came home 10 days later, he was very distant and strange. He seemed confused and said he didn't know what he wanted. He abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship and asked me to leave his apartment. He said I had been the most wonderful and sweetest girlfriend and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone during this time. But he also kept saying that he didn't want to make a rash decision and to give it some time. I knew I had to set my feelings aside and allow him whatever he needed, even though I was devastated. I tried to give him space but also still be there for him, so I'd occasionally (every couple of weeks or so) send a short and kind email or text message. I did speak to him by phone for about an hour a few weeks later and he told me that he felt like a basket case and couldn't sleep. I tried to go help him with his mother's house but he turned me back home after our flight landed. Finally, 2 months later, he sent me a very terse and cold email that simply said there was not a possibility of us getting back together and that he felt there needed to be considerable time and distance before we ever talked again. No explanation or any words of kindness whatsoever. He sounded so different from the person I once knew. I'm having trouble accepting that this could really be the end. I keep wondering if there was anything I could've done to prevent or save this - whether I wasn't there for him enough in the beginning, if I gave him too much space or not enough, if it was a terrible mistake to get on that flight to try to help him, etc. Everyone tells me that doing that was an amazing selfless act of love on my part and wasn't inappropriate, but it seems like he was upset and disturbed by my gesture, perhaps due to his mental state while grieving. I only had the best of intentions and it doesn't seem like it should be a reason to push someone you care about entirely away and just completely refuse to talk. It was as if I had wronged him deeply but I don't know what I did that was wrong. Over the months I've read so much about grief and tried to understand what he is going through, but I still can't understand how his feelings could have changed so drastically when we had a great relationship before and he always seemed so deeply in love and sure of our relationship. I know he had to deal with a harrowing and traumatic experience, but why would he turn away from my support and cut me out of his life without explanation when he can still treat everyone else in his life as normal? How can he not miss the life that we had together? We were in a serious relationship and the love we felt for each other should mean something and not just evaporate into thin air. Can anyone help me with insight as to why he might have done this and whether it's likely he'll ever come around with time?
  2. Wow, I can not believe you have been gone for almost 3 years now. That seems an impossible amount of time. I come to think of you because I know we will be leaving you behind when we move. That does not grieve me like it once did. I know you are not really in your burial place but in my heart and in heaven. I have let go of a lot of grief, but there will always be some while I can not see or hold you. I will have to wait for my life to be over to do that. Your big brother still talks about you and asks what you would be doing in life now had you been with us. I think his heart is better off knowing you did exist, even if you are not with us. He is not angry anymore and he speaks of you with love in his eyes and joy in his heart. You both would have been fabulous together. Dad misses you too but he walls it inside, he said your death was the single worse day of his life. We are all moving on though and we still think of you daily and less and less with sorrow. kisses little one, Love Mommy
  3. Hi All, My mom passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago this past June. I feel like some days I have found some peace with it but other days I feel like it is all fresh and new and I just can't ease the pain. I am not in denial and yet some days I just can't seem to accept that she is gone. I grieve for myself and for my children. She was a huge part of their lives. I grieve all the important moments in their lives that she won't share. I was not at all prepared for her passing. It was sudden and she was fairly young. I was with her in the end and it wan't peaceful. I watched as the medical team performed CPR several times over the course of the night and I had to finally make the decision to let her go. I have looked for grief counseling groups in my area and haven't yet found any. I also am in therapy and it helps some. I know there are many others who have lost loved ones and have worse situations that I do. I feel like I need to handle this better but some days all I can do is cry. I guess I just feel lost with this grief.
  4. Hi all. I have had an on and off relationship, for 6.5 years. I have had on going phone problems, regardless of service provider. Including not getting and/or recieving texts, or phone calls, my phone ( this includes at least 4 different phones), shutting off, randomly, not having service etc. This has caused an awful lot of grief, in our relationship, as it is always blamed on me, personally. And gets to a point, that he gets so angry, and decides to not want to talk to me, or see me, even without him getting an explanation, as to why it happened, or possibilities, of why. And then he starts drinking, and calls names, and is very rude. Does anyone understand why he blames me? It's nothing that i do! Thank you
  5. Hey everyone. It's been a few months since I last posted. Last time, I talked of a break up that happened back in November 2019. Well, here's what's happened since then: I'm afraid I did not take the advice of cutting contact with her back in November. For a while, I was doing well about just talking with her has friends. But over time, it became clear that we could not handle that sort of thing. In December we went back to talking like boyfriend and girlfriend again, and it wasn't long before we were talking about how we could be a better couple in the future. After having not seen her since the end of September, I finally saw her again during a New Years event. While we were super anxious about seeing each other, it was honestly very nice. We got to catch up and remind ourselves of why we had feelings for each other. Honestly one of the most romantic events of my life. That being said, when I returned home after those few days out of town, I remembered all the reasons we originally broke up, and I knew that those reasons were still there. I felt like we were about to jump into the exact same situation, and once again I felt a horrible gut feeling about moving forward. So on January 10th, I once again let her go. For some reason, the break up this time was so much harder on me than in November. Within the month, I learned that she was already talking to a new guy. I was shocked at this, for she was always expressing that no one in her life compared to me, and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought, for these reasons, it would at least take her as long to heal as it would me. I have been distraught since then. I have been wrestling with depression and grief. I've questioned how she could move on so quickly from me, and I questioned whether I really ever meant anything to her or not. I've wondered if she even thinks about me anymore, and wondered how I can be so easily forgettable. Even tonight, I noticed on a certain social media platform (Pinterest) that she and this new guy are sharing things about houses, suggesting to me that they are already talking about living together or maybe even spending life together. I am shocked and devastated. I have to say, all the free time that has come with the coronavirus quarantine has made the healing and moving on process 100x harder to deal with. I even feel more broken than I did in January. I have shed more tears in the past 3 months than I have in all my life. While I'm taking baby steps about working on myself during this time, it has been hard to motivate myself to do anything substantial. Life has not felt worth living. I have lost all hope. I'd love to believe her being with this new guy so soon is a red flag and shows I made the right choice. Do you guys think that? I don't know what to think or do anymore. I am a heartbroken fool. I feel betrayed, even though obviously I know she has not wronged me. I realize I brought this all on myself; I know I must take responsibility. But I could use some advice and encouragement right now. Thank you.
  6. Posting here out of desperation because my inability to get over this breakup (nearly a year and a half ago) is sinking my entire life. My grief about this is so overwhelming I have twice been rejected for therapy following assessment; they kept saying I wasn’t in the right place for it but didn’t offer me any help in the meantime. I need to do something though. Time isn't helping. Being so 'no contact' I wouldn't know if he died isn't helping. Attempting to date other people isn't helping. I really don't want my life to be ruined by this relationship and breakup but it's very much going that direction. Context because it might explain why I’m finding this so hard to come to terms with: Ex broke up with me nearly 18 months ago after 2 years on/off. I had lots of anxiety about losing him. Tried to bottle it up around him but it wrecked the first iteration of our relationship (I still can’t forgive myself for that). When we got back together a few months later, I coped by being the most chill and, in retrospect, didn’t ask for enough. Throughout our relationship, we were sexually enthralled with each other. We had the mutually acknowledged best sex of our lives—apparently much better than with his now gf— and part of me still has trouble believing he gave that up. It emerged after another year that he had simultaneously been seeing someone else and that she had given him an ultimatum. He dramatically went back and forth between us a few times before settling on her for good. He made it clear that he was deciding between us about who to settle down with, that it had been a difficult decision, but he had to be practical and could only live with/marry/have children with one woman. (Two weeks before this he’d asked me what I thought it would be like if we got married and had a baby.) He seemed to have developed this tiresome good girl/bad girl, wife/mistress, Madonna/ thing with us. But it felt like he was giving her a future and condemning me to go through life alone (we’re at the age where these are make or break relationships: either you end up with someone and build a life or get left behind to go it all alone, without love or intimacy). He initially didn't make moving on easy: he kept messaging me that he loved me. We met up to disentangle our lives and he kept touching me. Another meeting months later ended in bed—a result he’d apparently premeditated. He told me they were having boring sex and that he thought about me all the time. We met up a couple more times—him instigating and with predictable results. He quickly confessed our dalliances to his girlfriend. They briefly broke up and got back together. He sent me a letter telling me that and that he was addicted to me. Asked me to never contact him again and blocked me everywhere. And that’s it. It’s been months and months and I’m still blocked and he’s still reformed. It seems like the near loss of her was the shock he needed to stop cheating and fix other things in his life. I can’t imagine he’ll ever risk being in contact with me again. I love him so I genuinely want him to be happy and healthy, to not self-destruct again. But I am still drowning in grief over our breakup and over this seemingly great, committed, future-oriented relationship he nearly gave me and is now having with someone else. He’s treated me terribly but all in the service of preserving this relationship with her. He was capable of commitment and consistency all along. He strung us both along for years and then gave her a great relationship at the end of it. Part of me is just aghast that after everything, it's worked out for them. I don’t know much about their lives (by design) but just the knowledge that they’re happily living together nearby rips me apart on a daily basis. It feels like somehow she got all my happiness—which maybe I could accept or at least understand if she were extraordinary. But she’s basic. I have fairly low self-esteem but she is like a less attractive, less intelligent version of me (we even look alike). Mutual friends told me she basically adopted his personality and his interests and worships him. He himself told me she was a "blank slate"! But I'm increasingly realising this is his forever relationship. So his life is rushing away from me and I’m stranded in this out of date grief, staring at the void of his absence--because there’s nowhere else to look. Nothing has changed for me since the breakup; the universe hasn’t given me anything else good. I’m rarely attracted to or interested in anyone and haven’t been in the years since we met. I’m increasingly aware how rare that connection is and it seems it’s just never going to happen for me again. Every few months I scroll through dating apps with this growing nausea, sickened by what I have lost (and his gf has), what I’d have to settle with. I can never bring myself to meet people anymore. If I ever found someone I liked as much, the odds of him liking me back enough to commit to me the way ex has to his gf seem astronomical. I’m more likely to be struck by lightning. So I’ve basically accepted I’ll never have another relationship. But with that comes with a whole other bottomless well of grief. In addition to him, I have to grieve this coupled life I thought I’d get, any children I thought I’d have, myself as a sexual being. I can’t imagine a moment in my life when I won’t be devastated by all this. I’ll be 60 and still wishing he had chosen differently. I still think about him constantly; so much reminds me of him. I’m still jolting awake each morning, remembering the breakup with a surge of nausea. My thoughts and emotions about it haven’t evolved since the immediate frantic aftermath. I even had a near-death experience in the autumn and once the immediate fear and trauma subsided, I immediately went back to obsessing over him. Nothing makes me feel better about it. I have spent this weekend pathetically sobbing about him, thinking about him, fantasising about him—while across town he and his girlfriend are supporting each other and having quarantine sex and leading a life that is 10,000x better than mine. I don’t know why I didn’t deserve that happiness and got this instead. I really need to come to terms with this and make do with the joy I can get but I feel poisoned by my unabated feelings for him and my memories and his perfect ing 'forever' relationship. How do I make peace with this so it doesn't keep cannibalising me? It's practically all i think about.
  7. Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I were dating for six months. After the first month, his mother was diagnosed with a brain disease and the next few months she was in and out of the hospital. I was there for him everytime it seemed like it was over and he never failed to thank me and tell me how much he loved and appreciated me. The morning of her death (in late November) everything was normal, he was telling me his plans for the day and chatting away. Then we had radio silence. I thought he was just busy until I saw his sister posted something thanking everyone for their well wishes and giving information about her mother's funeral services. He didn't contact me again until a few days later when he said he needed some space to clear his head. I agreed and we didn't talk for two weeks. When I reached out again he broke up with me and said he didn't want a relationship right now. He said I deserved to be happy and he didn't think that happiness was with him. He needed space to clear his head and just wanted me to be happy. I said I was happiest with him but he just asked me not to wait for him because he needs time. I reached out to him a few times after and he said he still has feelings for me but doesn't want a girlfriend for now. I sent him a message saying I'm here for him for whatever and will always support him. He hasn't replied or even opened the message since I sent it. I honestly don't expect a response. My closest experience to grief was with my grandfather but my grief reaction was to replace all the pain in my life with love. Love for my school, friends, and family. I understand that everyone grieves differently but why did he shut me out the day after he was telling me how much he loves me? Why did he just break up with me like I meant nothing? Will he come back after grieving? I'm rebuilding my life without him but there's little moments I want to share with him but can't. Should I ever contact him again? For those of you who have been the griever or the dumpee, what was your thought process? What ended up happening? Did you get back together?
  8. I am hoping some advice will be given here without judgment on the situation. Please believe me when I say I have been grieving terribly and not coping very well the past month or so in general due to the circumstance. However, the situation I am questioning about has lead to further grief, making it an extremely rough time at the moment. I am unsure who else to turn to, so I believe this may be a good place to start. I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year, I must point out here that he was reliable, considerate, caring and very understanding. We shared a good bond with many great moments and we were physically involved. Then everything took an unexpected turn. I had become unwell temporarily, which lead to my contraception failing without my knowledge at the time. I had fallen pregnant, I discovered this very early stages with a home pregnancy test, as I knew something was just not right. I felt afraid, mixed emotions and perhaps numb to an extent. I wasn’t fearful of telling him, I never doubted for a moment that he wouldn’t be there, and he was. He stepped up like any decent man would and we communicated and worked together weighing up the pros and cons. I am a very career driven woman and we both agreed due to many circumstances, it was best not to proceed. We both made this decision. This did not make the decision any easier for the both of us, it was a terrible time and we were definitely very emotional on the final decision but we knew for the sake of ourselves and for the baby, it would have been unfair to go ahead with it. Until the final decision, we were in it together. We knew it would be a hard time but we would get through it together, I had no doubts. A week after the termination, I had an extremely emotional day. I was an emotional mess and not thinking rationally or calmly, I still do not know why I said what I did, but I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties. There was a lot more to that message, but that is probably the most important part. He did respond with a heartfelt response, which was basically giving me what I want and that he just wanted me to be happy. Within an hour I responded with an apology and expressed that I was in a very low mind at the present time and I take it all back. That I still needed and wanted him in my life. Since that day, I have not received anything back. He became uncontactable within just a week and a few short days after the termination. I have sent a number of messages over the past few weeks (definitely probably not the wisest choice) I have expressed to him how I am feeling, how I am not coping and worrying if he is coping okay too, that I wish he would speak to me again because I have no understanding of why he is doing this. I am still connected to him through all social networking applications too, have not been removed or blocked, although he is not posting anything. It has been a month, since he has not made contact. I had said everything I could. I am grieving in more ways than one, I am grieving for two losses currently and I cannot think of any logical reason why he would continue to cut me out so coldly when he genuinely cared to begin with and has been informed I did not mean any of it. If I am barely coping, maybe he is not coping so well either. I do not know, but any advice would be very appreciated. As I mentioned, please no judgement on this situation as I am very fragile at the moment. I am just looking for some thoughts on this from different perspectives.
  9. As I said in some previous posts, my ex wanted to be friends but it was too painful for me because I'm still in love and she's not. So as advised by some of the good people on this site, I broke that off with her but said she should get in touch if she ever considers reconciliation. That was four days ago and I still have much grieving to do, but every day is a bit better. My question is: why was it a good idea to leave the door open for her? Why is it a good idea to allow her to think I'm hers for the taking if/when things don't work out for her in the dating world? My gut tells me it's the right thing to do, my heart hopes to hear from her again someday, but my brain says I'm a real dumba$$.
  10. Dont try to get close to me,Dont ever let me go. Dont hold on to my side,Dont let me fall so low. Dont pretend you are here,But please go away. Dont pretend to love me,Then hate me the next day. Dont yell at me when you are mad,Dont pick up the phone. Dont ever call me again,But you know that I am home. Dont confuse my mind,Let me see clear. Dont have sex with me,When love is what you fear. Dont come over today,Come over tomorrow. So I can see you,Then dwell on the sorrow. Dont pretend you are staying,Or even leaving. I am hurt,Cant you see why im grieving.
  11. I'm writing this because one gripe I had about this site when I was on it everyday is that when people healed and moved on, we never got to hear their success stories. We never got to hear how someone finally got over it. So here goes. The circumstances of my breakup don't really matter; suffice it to say, it was probably similar to that of any one of you reading this. I had what I thought was a great relationship, then I got sat down on a park bench and told it wasn't working out -- that it was over. I spent more time than I care to admit completely heartbroken. I thought I found my soul mate, and that I'd never really love someone again. Today, I'm healed. I no longer have those feelings. I say this not to brag, but only offer proof that if I can do it, you can too. The standard things people tell you, (go to the gym, find new hobbies, make new friends) are all important, do them. More than that you need to grieve. It's ok that you're sitting alone in your room crying and feeling lonely. There's no shame in that, you have to do it. No one expects you to feel otherwise. The memories of your loved one and the times you spent together will haunt you until you grieve each memory separately. When that special memory of that time you went to the zoo together or walked in the park together or whatever else pops into your head, you have to grieve for that memory and let it die. After a while, those memories don't give you that pang anymore, because you already cried over it. When you get through every one, those memories won't have the same impact on you. It's like hearing a great song over and over again, eventually it's not so good anymore. After a lot of time, it's ok that you still feel lonely. It's not your fault. As long as you've spent quality time by yourself, and get out there and do new things, have new experiences, it's natural that you still miss that person. Even after I had long since stopped crying, I still thought about my ex; when I'd see a happy couple or watch a romantic movie I thought about him. It was the last time I was in love, so it's what I had to compare to. You're going to carry a little bit of a torch until you find your next serious love interest. And then, and only when you're ready, you will fall in love again. It's only then that you can really be healed. So today, I barely think about him anymore. Sure I do sometimes, but I don't feel abandoned or want to reach out to him in any way. My interests lay elsewhere. So don't beat yourselves up. I know you're counting the days since the last time you've spoken; I know you're wondering if you'll ever see each other again. When you think about such things, please know that you are NOT a loser. What you are going through right now is a uniquely human experience, one that we all must have to be fully realized individuals. This experience will make you a stronger, more mature person, no matter how many times this has happened to you before. Eventually, you will be better off for having had this experience. I know it's hard to believe now, but if there's anything I've learned from all this, it's that I've come to believe that our hearts are designed to heal themselves. It's how we were made. I hope any of this gives some of you some encouragement. Keep sharing on this site. These people give great advice and I couldn't have done it without their gentle support. Good luck everyone.
  12. Hello everyone. As you probably all know, I seem to get myself into a lot of hurtful situations. I seem to find the people who are either hurtful or abusive in some way. I am worried that a legacy of pain is following me around. My mom suffered greatly in her life due to her father's relentless verbal attacks on her. She was hospitalized several times in her life due to acute mental distress. it wasn't until her 40's that she was able to find some healing. But the way her father treated her is how she has treated me most of my life. I love my mom, but she has always hurt me so much. Just tonight she called me and told me I was selfish and that I didn't need anyone in my life. She has told me that no one would ever want to be with me, that I need to go live in a home...She has threatened to cut off any suspport she has given me, told me she disowned me, etc. The years of this pain continue, and I don't always know what to do. What I am worried about is....perpetuating this pain. I do not want to extend this toward others. Do you think I look for abusive people because I think pain equals love? Do you think I try to rescue people because of how much hurt I feel inside my own heart? Could it be I look for people who have issues because I know they will essentially hurt me....and the pain cycle continues? When I think of love, I think of grief, yet at the same time I long for love that means comfort and happiness.....but I somehow only find loss and devestation. Do you think there is a chance I can find love that is peaceful, that is confort, that is gentleness? Sometimes it is so hard to believe I am a good person..I hear my mom's voice....and I don't know what is true....is she right? It feels wrong sometimes to think I am a good person......because my whole life I have been told that I am not. So what is true? I feel a prisoner to my anxiety and grief. I feel like no one would want to deal with me....I want so much to give...to give love.....I don't want people to be afraid of me.......I am trying to be stronger each day.....I want feel alive....I dream of a sweet, joyful love....a family...i don't want to continue the cycle of pain that has hurt my mom, and has hurt me...... If anyone can relate....please share....thank you all.....
  13. Distant to a land so far from here I wonder into a city... Its streets widen a path of corruption and distain.. a foot deepened to the heart of a land so far from here I long to spot the light of hope onto my ruggish land Taken to a dream my mind surrenders its sanity to an imaginary world A house made of gingerbread a roof made from frosting an edible suduction to a heart gone corrupt A path made from bread crumbs shining its splender to a door made of arsenic, a tender sweetness to a life bruised deep An imaginary world painted to ones fantasy, seen by a desire to live Sweet sanity's vain embrace has entranced my visions of a world beyond an eye, and walks my mind to a place all my own. For the moment: She stood there knee high in the salty bitterness of the sea her grief opressed to her lonely presense The salty winds brush against her powdered skin, combing her chocolate curls around her neck She takes a sigh to the calming winds, a coat of salt flavors her lips with a desire long before washed away by the waves Her eyes take a glance towards the painted sky and she wonders all the mysteries in life "Where do we go when we die" "What makes a lived life"The deep impressions of the sand burry the blisters of her feet sending chills of relief For the time being all is forgotten every worry, every fear passes to a crash of a wave Such a calming world Such a peaceful life[/i]
  14. Black river flowing down white mountian tops into a valley of green velvet Pity your stain upon my sleeve And blacken your stream to a pillow left behind Stream your remembrance to hands aligned with grief Smear a truth of color through skin so bare and feeble and tear a face clear of an image set to a photo capturd by a screen ruled by the cynical eye and wash away these foolish lies
  15. I am struggling with my grief, and I am wondering if I am grieving my ex, or if I am grieving being alone and nervous about an unknown future (i.e. when/where will I meet my next gf, etc.). I know I shouldn't 'try' to get into another relationship, that's not the point of this post. The point is, how do you know the difference between missing a specific person, versus missing 'having a relationship?' I'm convinced I'm the latter, as I was miserable in the relationship, and did not like the thoughts of spending the rest of my life with her. However, here I am 4.5 months later, and I still think of her nonstop. (This is not meant to be a post about my healing; it is meant to try and get some opinions on missing an ex, versus, missing 'the relationship.') Anyone else feel this way?
  16. Wow. It has been 7 months since the girl I loved more than life itself turned her back on me. It has been nearly 6 months since I last heard her voice. Apart from an ignored text message which I sent in a moment of weakness 2 months ago that is 6 months of complete no contact. During the last 7 months I have managed to drop over 20 pounds in weight. Alot of the time I have felt half insane with grief. I have tried to find comfort and happiness with other women but that failed miserably as I was just using them to fill a void and to deperately block out my grief. I have no more tears left to cry. I no longer even have the strength to be angry any more. I have finally admitted to God and to myself that I cannot ever change this situation. 7 months. I am definitely not the same person. I still think of her every day and will love her forever. I also know she is gone forever. My soul mate. Good luck to you all.
  17. Hi out there - I hope some of you don't mind taking a moment or two to help with a little advice in my current situation. My boyfriend left me a couple of months ago just after I returned from a month away partly to give us a break as things had been tough for a while between us. So when I returned he informed me he'd started seeing a girl he worked with, my guess is it was going on before I went away but he hasn't been able to be that honest with me. She is married but has since left her husband to be with my ex. We spent some little time talking, I was hugely shocked and very upset and more or less begged him on two occasions not to leave our home and give us another chance - we'd spent 8 years together and after some ups and downs I thought we were about to move into a new exciting chapter of our relationship, so I am devastated still. Alas through the past few weeks which included my step father passing away I guess I've been doing alot of grieving. I'm quite bored of it now and just want to become happy again and I still don't know if I want that to involve him or not. I miss him so much but at this stage I feel quite defeated. Anyway tomorrow evening he is coming to our home where I still live to collect his remaining stuff and I'm not sure how to be, I know if I was advising a friend in this situation - I'd say be fantastic - look great, be strong, don't get angry or cry, just be a little aloof. I guess if I could prescribe an outcome I would like at the least for him to walk away feeling quite sad with maybe a little doubt and at most for him to be the one who didn't want to leave instead of me begging him not to. At the end of the day I want to deal with this as best as possible for me so that I don't feel bitter in the future. Am I expecting too much - can anyone advise on how I might come to some sort of respectable outcome? Thank you in advance
  18. just something i wrote in 5 min when i was trying to get my thoughts sorted so like my previous posted work its not refined. But thought i'd share it anyway. Do my dreams speak true? Is what I seek you? Do these worlds show what can be Or am i but sleeping awake desiring you For you are all I can see Nought a dawn did I behold till I felt this love Your eyes paling the stars My body left empty and my soul to stare As those stars shine on another Your light crosses the land All living things feel your warmth I sit in the overhang awed at your beauty fearful yet longing for your touch And but the light takes its form of your body will my heart feel yours and your touch claim me for paradise Will this new day have a night will you see my love? if you could only see it maybe you'd understand why I stand here with a knife but your back turned, my heart stopped the knife slipped, the light has vanished the heavens opened its floodgates i ran into the downpour howling grief and now i find myself at your door my eyes stare at the dark window here i shall stay Where you fall i'll be waiting When you cry i'll be listening When your heart breaks I will share it When you smile the light will shine through And when you hold him I'll be holding the knife For my own actions i never felt the sun, can see nothing but Darkness and am destined to this living death. Let the 3 daggers of time embrace me as friend Darkness recede and let me relive the sight of your light
  19. I have an ongoing problem with my mom. And it escalates whenever she visits. She has been here for a few days, and from the start there is immediate tension. Tonight she critisized me for wanting to get an ice cream cone. She said it was a sin...? I am suspecting because she felt it was too expensive. We argue quite a bit, most often about silly nonsense. I find myself very short-tempered and anxious around her...I don't mean to be, but most of the time I see her scowling and frowing at me, disapproving of everything I do, say, have. She calls me a mad woman, evil, sinner, mean...One weekend she came to visit and she said I needed to go to a home because my house was a bit cluttered. She attacks me fro reading certain books, for having a crystal a friend lent me to wear around my neck... I am not here to say I am perfect and never make mistakes, but my mom's relentless attacks cause so much distress. One minute she is supportive, the next she cannot stand to be near me. I really don't know how to properly sort all this out. This has been ongoing my entire life. I re-read old diary entries and realise how far back all this goes, and I feel helpless to change it. I asked my mom to leave today, that I needed to rest. That might sound awful, but I really need to be alone and recuperate after all this. I really don't want to feel like a horrible person, but the minute my mom comes around, I find myself plunging into depression and questioning my value as a human being. I can't forsee any of this ever improving. No matter that I have always been very conscientious, serious-minded, and doing the best I can to live a good life--my mom only seems to see all my short-comings. And when I express my upset, she purses her lips and tells me how awful I am being...at times I have raised my voice in despair, and she accuses me of being evil. Can anyone help me? How can this ever end? I have talked with counselors..we have even gone together, but nothing ever ever changes. The only thing I can do is distance myself. I try not to talk to her so much, but when I don't return her calls, again, another reason she finds me to be dispicable. I just need some sort of advice....I know I have written about this before, but it has re-surfaced since I moved to a town which is only one hour from her. It's worse than ever..at least in Arcata I was four hours away. Now she finds it convenient to visit often and go on a ramapge with her attacks on my life...and it is so destructive for me. Please help...thank you....
  20. i know with grief sometimes comes thoughts of suicide, cutting, etc. please reconsider. you have no idea what life has to hold for you. things will get better, you'll see, you just have to give them time. go out and talk to someone, get a hobby, make some friends, surround yourself with people, learn to play an instrument..something to get you mind off of the current situation. please talk to me if you want. there is help out htere for you and i promise, you're way too young to end your life now. its a precious thing. please go here you are somebody, evan link removed take care! _________________ this is also a great site link removed peace
  21. Someone sent this to me.... Thought it might be of help to some people. ----------------------- SURVIVE A BREAKUP Did she say "Let's just be friends", "I am not in love with you", "I still care about you" etc.? Then: 1. It's over - as in FINAL. She's gone. She's NOT coming back. 2. Her FOCUS in life is someone else already. You're nobody. 3. You're no longer welcome. DO NOT MAKE CONTACT. Do not call, do not write - EVER. You're annoying her. Dumpees, Wake Up: SHE'S ALREADY MOVED ON. SHE'S HAPPY. LEAVE HER ALONE. DON'T BOTHER HER. 4. You MUST break the attachment by focusing on YOURSELF. 5. Don't even THINK about being "friends" with her. Don't torture yourself. 6. Get her OUT of your life. Get her pictures, letters, and other reminders OUT OF SIGHT. Pack them away or trash them. 7. Acknowledge your grief - wail out loud, punch your pillow, let your heart mourn. Let the pain out. 8. Express your anger. Write a farewell letter to her, but DO NOT SEND. Write out why you were or are angry at her. Get them all down. And why you are angry at yourself for what you did not do 9. Exercise A LOT. 10. GET OUT of the house. Go do things YOU like to do. 11. Stay away from alcohol. 12. Determine the qualities she had that you want in future partners, and the qualities she had that you don't want. 13. List the lessons learned - What you should have done differently. 14. It is tempting to hold on and scary to LET GO. Say to yourself that you're letting go of her. LET THE PAST GO. 15. Structure your time and stay BUSY. 16. INTERRUPT yourself whenever you get stuck thinking about her and REDIRECT your focus onto something productive. 17. Take it ONE day at a time. 18. It's better it happened NOW rather than later down the road. 19. It's GOOD that it happened, because you're now FREE to find someone BETTER. 20. A NEW and BETTER life is waiting for you. You WILL find someone BETTER. So MOVE ON!!! - BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAS.
  22. I have been in a long distance relatinship for some time. We had been engaged until just last Sunday. We have had conflicts over the last few months more than ever before....and when he got his orders to go overseas next month he began to rage at me. He has a temper already and I am now aware that I have suffered from verbal and psychological abuse during this relationship and of course it escalated over time. I was miserable and hung on....I really didn't want to have him tell me it was all my fault etc...He has a habit of yelling at me and swearing whenever he felt like it. So HE broke it off with me....if that isn't ironic. He has already placed an ad at a singles site...and of course im concluding his "love"was not real at all. I am not grieving the loss of this overly angry person...I am devastated and feel betrayed and lied to....and very unloved. I am grieving over what I THOUGHT was true..and the love I THOUGHT was there kept me going every day...now where do I go?
  23. Our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety- and the loss fo our younger self, the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal. Why is is that we always tend to think of losses as negative and resulting in our having less? This perception probably relates to our trying to control our lives rather than participating in them, as well as our trying to make the living, moving process that is life's reality static. Take romantic dreams for example. Have we ever stop to realize how much trouble our romantic dreams get us into? When we insist on our romantic notions, we absolutely refuse to see people and life the way they are and try every means possible to make the situation the way we want it. We cling to who we want people to be, refusing to get to know them. What a loss! We may be grieving the wrong thing. When we grieve loss, what we may really need to grieve is the loss of knowing the real person, not our fantasy of them. Many people find that losing their romantic dreams and imposible expectaions is a relief. It's like a heavy backpack we have been lugging around has been put to rest. Maybe, just maybe, when we change our attitude toward losses, we will have more energy to live life. Are you clinging to some fond illusions that you are ready to leave behind? Take a look.....
  24. I can remember when my ex first dumped me around 8 months ago, the pain the grief I felt. I couldnt move on no matter how hard I tried, I just couldnt let go. After about 5 months I tried forcing it a little bit and started dating a little bit. As you probably could guess that went real well........not really though, I was still pretty hung up on it. She'd found someone new within days, why couldnt I just move on is what I kept thinking. Finally I took a step back because I realized I wasnt read, I was still grieving. Then the day came about a month ago where one of her roommates ended up contacting me, we had a talk about how things were etc. I was informed of alot of things that I knew were true, but I still needed to hear. Somewhere in the conversation I was able to let go, I was finally ready to to remember how to live again without her. It's a long painful process, but it does get better I promise you, I found someone new recently and were hitting it off pretty good. I hope this post will help someone to realize that it does get better. I know when I was grieving I heard it alot and I didn't think it was true. Believe me when I say this, its the best feeling in the world when you can say to yourself "I feel normal again"
  25. I dunno, I've made countless posts about this. But I'm still haunted, day in and day out about my ex. I still hold hope that we'll still get together. In my other thread dealing with healing I posted about my letter I sent to her (Checking healing forum "A Revised Letter To My Ex") Well I sent her a text message on cell phone and three hours later there have been no replies. While I still hold hope that one day we'll get back together, the point of the letter was to gain closure and help me grieve. I think what is keeping me from grieving is the fact that I just have no idea if she has gotten my letter or my messages. It's holding me back. I know a lot of you will (and have a right to say) "just assume it's there and go on." I understand the logic in this, but I just can't cram it into my head. So, what now? I'm left with three options: 1) Give letter to her friend Brooke to give to her (rarely see her, they rarely talk) 2) Snail mail the letter (getting her address off net via phone number) 3) "Just assume it's there and go on" I have been doing three (no contact) since we broke up about 2 months ago and no success. It's just not working. I feel very entrapped right now. I know the only way out is to grieve and accept the loss. I don't know how to do that. I'm afraid though, I'm afraid that no one will measure up to my ex, and I know that's not fair, but we were so compatible it was rediculous. I'm afraid of never finding anyone else. I'm afraid that I'm unattractive to most since I'm an introvert and I have a very real problem meeting people, and never have a girlfriend up until now. I'm 22, I'm not getting any younger, and I'm still left with these problems. What I think would help me out in this area is for people here on these forums to talk to me regularly, just to say hi and converse or whatever. I have real bad social skills. My therapist yesterday said that if I wanted to we could "process the information" (in other words, grieve) Tuesday. I want to exert that option so badly. Matter of fact, if I don't figure out what I should do of the three listed options I'm going to just do that Tuesday. I don't know if I can fully grieve unless she gets the letter. I just don't know. I'm very very sorry for annoying people here, it is not my intention, I'm just desperate for some friends right now. Please be gentle in your replies. I'm having a real hard time with myself right now. The only thing I'm holding onto now is my faith and I know that the Lord will find a way for me (Proverbs 3:4-5) God bless you all.
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