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BeStrongBeHappy

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Everything posted by BeStrongBeHappy

  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    stress and other factors can delay a period... i suggest a home pregnancy test, which can be accurate on the day you miss your period, or even before. if you are really worried about this, maybe you should add an additional form of birth control in the future, like birth control pills, foam, or sponges... condoms are good for prevention of STDs, but not always 100% reliable... so two forms of birth control always works to ease the mind and help prevent diseases and pregnancy...
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    wow, you are covering the whole gamut there before you even start! it's good that you care about what goes on with a girl, but seem to be trying to think about everything at once! re: the hymen, it's different on every girl... some are born with none, some women have a sheet of tissue that almost blocks the vagina entirely... usually after its torn the first time (by sex or other accident), with a little recuperation, it is no longer evident or a problem. so for the first time, there may or may not be bleeding or pain, but you should go slow and respect whatever the girl asks you to do (or not do). and she needs time to heal afterwards too... if you are worried about it 'ruining the mood' then you don't care about the girl enough to be her first time... re: what a girl does or doesn't like to do with individual parts or activities, ask her yourself! every woman is different, and likes different things (or doesn't like them)... just go slow with any woman, and ask her what she likes or doesn't like, and you'll be a winner!
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    yeah, your teeth roots can go up into your sinuses, or very close to them... so if your sinuses get full and swell, they can put pressure on the tooth roots and cause pain... take some decongestants like Sudafed or Nyquil and see if it improves at little bit when you get less congested... that's one way to tell if its just a sinus problem or a tooth problem. but you could also have a tooth that is going bad, pressure due to a cold can make it worse... so watch it after your cold is over, and see if you start getting sensitivity in a particular side (top/down/left/right)... it is sometimes hard to tell exactly which tooth is the problem, until it becomes REALLY obvious and you need a root canal. but i get terrible tooth pains when i get a bad cold with lots of congestion, but i have deep tooth roots, so you might just have the same problem... a Sudafed or other cold decongestant usually fixes it for me...
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    well, all i can say is i spent 8 years married to a guy who was supposedly depressed, who sucked me dry emotionally and expected me to support him and have no needs of my own... when i finally got him to go to a shrink, he said my ex-husband was just terminally immature and had no interest in growing up... he wanted a mommy for the rest of his whole life, no responsibility, perpetual forgiveness no matter how badly he behaved etc. so depression can be a real thing, or just an excuse to manipulate everyone around them for sympathy and caretaking and no responsibility. so at a minimum i think you should STOP trying to be his personal therapist and surrogate mommy and insist that he take his problems to a professional... if he is in therapy and seriously trying to work it out, you might still be his friend and talk to him periodically to know you support him. but put the mommying and enabling on the back burner. doesn't help him, and certainly doesn't help you.
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think i am in a similar situation right now... he doesn't want to break it off because we have been friends/lovers forever, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too... i know rationally there is no benefit to this for me, and i think the same for you... i do understand it is hard though, when you have the best of intentions and hope for the future, and she is just enjoying doing whatever she pleases, with whomever she pleases, with no strings attached.
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    btw, i also keep some stuff from a *terrible* relationship i had once, to read now and again to remind me what i should never put up with again... Lol!! so keeping messages may be important (or unimportant) to people for all kinds of reasons...
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    some people are sentimental or egotists who like keeping sexy/happy email to read when they feel like it (or are angry at their current girlfriend, gives them a sense of power and independence)... so don't read too much into it, he could be lazy etc., but if nothing new is brewing between you, just take it as his own choice, doesn't mean your relaltionship is back on again, just ancient history...
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    such things are an incredible shock to the system, so we understand! if you really think you are suffering a serious anxiety attack, go to a walk in clinic or doctor or hospital, but you can probably calm yourself down by recognizing that it is an emotional response to a shock, and don't let yourself hyperventilate... if you do, get a paper bag and breathe into it for a while... and go see the doctor tomorrow to get some medication to help you out. there are lots of good treatments for panic attacks these days, medications and therapy, so i would suggest you go to a Dr. tomorrow. then once you are calmed down a bit, you need to talk to your boyfriend and work thru the infidelity, whether this is something you can deal with together or a better thing to just move on for you heath's and sanity's sake.
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think it is a stall tactic... she is buying time for herself for whatever reason... maybe she is not sure, but if she is saying stuff like 'she doesn't feel like she used to,' it usually means a cooling of feelings, or she has spied someone else she is interested in and is not so serious about you til she figures out whether the new guy is more interesting... so you need to to decide whether waiting a while is too torturous for you, and talk to see what her real motivation for the slowdown is... but some people do lie about what they are really up to in order to take an easy out of a relationship, so you need to decide what it is you really want from her, and if she is not giving it (or used to give it but refuses to now), then you should consider moving on...
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    most states require you to be 18 these days without parental consent, but the pregnancy may allow the marriage... i would call your local county courthouse where they issue the marriage licenses to get all the details you would need. they also have the most recent laws etc. but i would also consider how much bad feelings that would cause if you do not talk to your parents first... does she even know you are pregnant? if you marry, would they throw you out of the house? would your boyfriend's parents then support you, him, and the baby? where will you live? will getting married cut off some state benefits you might have had access to as a single mother? most important, will the marriage mean you will be removed from your parent's health insurance because you are now married rather than a dependent child? that could be catastrophic if you have problems with the baby or birth, unless your boyfriend has insurance from a job that will cover you. once you marry, you are bounced off both of your parents insurance most likely, and the baby will not be covered either. and if you are married, some of the state WIC and Medicaid insurance might not cover you... not sure about those laws, but they are definitely impacted by marital status. i think if you and your boyfriend are solid, being married or not won't change that, and you could wait until you are 18 or older and have a means to support the child on your own. but marriage at 16 is a big step to take without investigating all of the ramifications of marrying at your age, so i would definitely have an answer to questions like where you will live, who will pay the bills, will you be covered by insurance, etc. before you take that step.
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    lots of people don't like breaking up with one partner until they have another partner securely hooked... if she has seriously been restricting time with you and things dropping off, and you have clear evidence she is taking up with someone else, i would definitely talk to her and ask her why things have changed so much between you recently, is there someone else? then tell her you either need to try to go back to spending time together, or break up. if she waffles and doesn't want to go back to spending time with you, then she is probably stringing you along. some people are too cowardly (or selfish) to break off a relationship. they just start acting really badly and hope the other person does it for them. for you own sake, you deserve a girlfriend who is really there for you, and if she is off talking about some other guy as being her 'soulmate' and one true love, i'd say break it off and move on to someone who feels that way about you.
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    maybe he thinks calling you a 'bud' is a compliment... i.e., he is so comfortable with you, you are both his best buddy AND his love... so i wouldn't take it too seriously as a negative comment, unless he tells you he wants to ONLY be friends, and break it off... i had a friend who used to call his daughter 'little buddy', and his wife 'big buddy', endearments in his own mind... but if that particular nick name bothers you, talk to him and tell him why it bothers you... he'll stop if he does care about you...
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think there is nothing wrong with dating him, as long as you keep perspective... by that i mean, recognize that NOBODY knows anybody after a few dates... you're cruising on all those happy 'fresh new love' hormones, and need to remind yourself that you need to check his and your own behavior against reality... so i would keep seeing him, but fight the 'hearts and flowers' tendency you have to get too excited when you don't really know the person... remind yourself that a genuine relationship and caring gets built over time, and that trusting someone totally that you don't really know is foolish too... so don't blame him for your past negative experience (and shut off a potentially good friendship), but don't go on autopilot and assume he is your one true love because you get some good hormone rush from him... see him in group situations for a while, and get evaluations from your other friends etc. try to pace yourself too... it's the difference between taking one small slice of cake at a time and enjoying it, or getting too excited and eating the whole cake at once and being very sorry and sick about it later... so don't jump in with both feet, test the water first! good luck, have fun, be careful!
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    it really sounds like he may be considering seeing other people himself and is testing that out with you... i.e., if you do it, then it must be OK if HE does it too... long distance relationships are really hard to begin with, and you also have cultural issues to work through as well, such as him wanting you to convert to another religion to please him. regardless of the amount of time you have already invested in the relationship, if you have only met 4 times in 5 years, you really haven't spent much time together, and who knows what he has been doing during that long times you are not together. and it is never a good idea to just go through with plans because you have invested time in them... it would cause MUCH more upheaval if you did go ahead and marry him, and he expected to be able to continue to date other women etc., or the cultural differences proved too much, or you discovered he only married you for a green card, and has another 'true' love lurking in the sidelines waiting until after he has obtained legal immigration status waiting period and can divorce you and stay a citizen and bring her over later as his new wife... i have heard of this happening to lots of american women, so please be VERY careful about marrying a man from another country who is showing interest in immigration, AND in being able to fool around with someone else at the same time he is talking about marrying you.... (same of course applies to men who are contemplating bringing women into the country for marriage...) so until you really investigate this or spend more time face to face with him, i would not suggest marrying him or agreeing to an open relationship. you also might tell him that if he is considering dating other women, it is best for you both to break up and see how it goes with other people, and if you really miss each other, you can find ways to be in the same country BEFORE a marriage to get to really know one another before taking that big step...
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    what a liar and cheater he is! the thing you should remind yourself is that you are FREE of him which is the best thing that could happen... actually it is easier to get over a bad relationship when you realize how REALLY bad your ex- was, once you get over the initial anger phase you are in right now... but i would suggest a test for STDs etc since this guy seems promiscuous with multiple people and lying to all of them... better safe than sorry... you have a right to be very angry, but should put that anger/energy towards leaving him behind as quickly as possible... can you change your email settings to bounce his emails back to him? if he writes a letter, mark it return to sender and send it back unopened. also, you can usually use a block function on phones to automatically block his numbers calling in on your phone... so block his every attempt, and if he shows up in person, tell him to never bother you again, or you will call the police! the hardest part of no contact is stopping yourself from contacting him because you are feeling nostalgic, and you should have no problem convincing yourself to avoid him at all costs after this! so i see this as good news for you in the long run, though right now the shock must be totally infuriating, and i sympathize with you!
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    bill.. if she has been cold to you for 2 straight months, then she may just be hanging onto the relationship until she has another guy firmly involved as her next boyfriend. she doesn't sound like she's really putting to much into the relationship right now, and keeps giving all kinds of excuses why not, so she obviously knows she is not 100% present for you now... and changes excuses for the same problem are never a good sign.. it means you keep asking why things are bad with her, and she tells you whatever comes to mind that moment, or whatever she thinks you will buy. i hate to say it but she could already be on her way out, and just be one of those people who likes to always have some boyfriend at hand, and sometimes even a 'backup' boyfriend in case things don't work out. the most frustrating people in the world are those who have checked out of a relationship mentally, and are winding it down, but refuse to admit they want out or are their way out... a very cruel thing for the person they are in the process of leaving behind, and a coward's way out to avoid confrontation, emotions, etc. so i would put a time limit on how long you are willing to let her treat you coldly, and/or pursue other men at the same time. if she hasn't improved by that time, i would just be the one to say, see ya! no point in letting it torture you forever. if she really wants you, she won't let you get away if you tell her you deserve better treatment than she has been giving you.
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think there is a whole lot going on here in your post... i think that it is true that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, but your boyfriend may have been insensitive in his expressions of his thoughts... i read somewhere that men have some kind of sexual thought every 6 minutes or something... the diffferent between men, women, testosterone, and estrogen! combine that with alcohol, and your boyfriend's inhibitions may have been lowered enough that he actually said something he was thinking, which obviously set you off. i think lots of women would be really bothered by what he said, and other women not mind at all... has to to with how secure and sensitive you are, and whether you tend to be jealous or not. so i really wouldn't try to cast this into a larger 'who is right and who is wrong' battle, which is exactly what happened.... the key is that you need to be with someone who has similar views to yours on lots of subjects, including flirting with other women, expressing those feelings, whether that is insensitive or not etc. i have been with some men who would never in a million years make such a comment, and other men who would make such a comment and laugh it off, or say that they are just being honest, or drank too much, but would never act on any fleeting attraction. so you need to decide what is really important to you, and whether this boyfriend fits into this scheme. if he is totally insisting you are wrong, and you are insisting the reverse, and neither is being flexible for the sake of considering the other person's feelings, then maybe you two are just in two opposite worlds in terms of your values. so either you learn to compromise and try not to hurt another, or recognize you are too far apart and move on to someone who has values closer to your own. you are obviously very uncomfortable with his behavior, and he certainly does not seem to care that you were upset, so that is the part that you should really think about... are you willing to be with someone who is not very sensitive to you feelings.
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    i understand the desire to have children, and the sadness that miscarriages bring, but i am a little concerned about how desparately you are pushing this on him... lots of people have miscarriages and go onto a successful pregnancy (or adoption), but you seem very anxious to push this issue... and i really don't understand how separation will solve 'this' issue... do you mean lack of pregnancy, or problems in the relationship? i really think there is something deeper going on with you as a couple here you need to look at. sometimes people are desparate to get pregnant or adopt a child as a way to fill some lack or emptiness or problem in the relationship. so i would make sure that your marriage is on firm ground before bringing a child into it. it sounds like you both need to talk about this, and try to get the focus on making your marriage healthy and strong enough to withstand stress, including fertility issues or pregnancy or adoption. maybe some marriage counseling would help, since right now you seem to be deadlocked, and he seems to not be ready to parent. is this because he does not want children, or because he perceives problems in the marriage. i think a counselor would help you two work this out, and reduce the cycles of fighting and him changing his mind back and forth.
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    that is one of the reasons it is dicey dating co-workers! very hard to get away from them physically/mentally if you break up. i think you have to have 'the talk' where you tell her is it best for the both of you to have as little contact as possible so you both can healthily move on, and then only when it is demanded by work needs. then go about your business. it is very important to try to manage thoughts due to her close presense, i.e., give yourself permission to think about her for 5 minutes at day, but only AWAY from work, for a set time where you turn her off when the 5 minutes are over. and stop any non-business thoughts about her while you are at work and remind yourself you can think about it later. this will help keep a mental wall around yourself while you are at work. try to get a routine going at work that minimizes physical sightings etc. too, i.e., don't hang out in areas where she is, park your car as far away from where she normally parks as possible, don't eat at cafeteria/coffee station or whatever where she is/will be. it is hard to compartmentalize her because of your former relationship, but it is best to try to do everything you can to move her mentally into the 'work' box in the way you treat and think of her, and out of your 'personal' box mentally. it takes more discipline to do this, but your only other alternative is to seek another job, and i wouldn't do that if this job is very good for you, and she is not, just relegate her to the 'off limits' category, but it does take time...
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    Happy birthday! it is normal to get nostalgic for a relationship around special holidays like birthdays... one wants to celebrate and be made special, so i think you were just trying to recapture a sense of connection with him... so this is a small lapse in your recovery and VERY common... doesn't mean you won't get on with recovering from the breakup. so splurge on YOURSELF on your big day... so something you really want to do, and remember that even if you had been with him on this birthday, he may have really disappointed you yet again and made you feel worse than you do now!... there is always a reason we break up, and don't let nostalgia cloud your memory!
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    i am sorry to hear he left you in such a horrible way! it takes time after a breakup to rid yourself of negative emotions, and it is hard when you share children and have to trade them back and forth for visitation. i have a question. do you have a formal separation agreement and/or divorce, and are you getting child support? some people make the mistake of trying to 'work out' things but with no legal agreement, and can be blindsided by the other party when least expected. it is always possible that *he* could decide he doesn't like 'cooperating' with your current agreement, and sue for custody and try to hit you with child support payments. so i would first protect myself and my children legally, and make sure he is paying you child support, since he chose to abandon you and your children. it really does sound like he has made his choice to have an affair with someone else, and is NOT coming back, so it will help to move on with your life if you formalize your separation/divorce.
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    this could be a cultural difference that takes time to adapt, or it could be that she wanted to get married and not work and is bad tempered! my brother married someone from the Phillipines who had lots of fantasies about 'rich Americans' and what life would be like here, and the reality didn't quite live up to it so they had some rough years in the beginning to do with her disappointment and frustrations moving somewhere where she didn't speak the language... she also spoke no English. She eventually adapted, by learning enough english to get by (still not fluent, but understands a lot), also looked for other Phillipino women in this country she could talk to, had a couple kids, and eventually found a job she liked that didn't require excellent language skills. so they have adapted, but it was not easy because of differing expectations when they entered the marriage, and neither estimating the difficulty of learning a new language when adult, and leaving behind a totally different culture for a new one. so you have to ask yourself, what did you both expect of this marriage and coming back to Canada? sounds like you didn't talk a lot about what it would mean before you married and moved over here. and also sounds like she doesn't really want to adapt to a new country. there are all kinds of ways to learn a new language these days, via the internet, or english as a second language courses at universities and schools. so it can be done, but she needs to want to do it. so the two of you need to do lots of talking about expectations etc. if she is really miserable and doesn't want to adapt, and doesn't want to find ways to be happy, then you have a big problem. she actually might be happier returning to Japan, and may not have admitted that to herself or you yet. so you need to have some very open discussions about what you both want in life, and if there is no real compromise, then you should discuss separation. so i would continue talking a lot about possible alternatives to make the transition to this country easier, and if she just doesn't budge but continues to be miserable, then you might want to discuss separating and her returning to Japan if that is what it will take to be happy... there are people who decide they don't want to adapt, and that the marriage/move was a mistake, so an open dialogue with her may get to the heart of whether she wants to try or not, or go thru the effort to adapt...
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    sounds like she and her friends are being immature... or potential stalker! i would just shut it down... if she can't spy on you some much, it won't feed the fire and maybe she'll really start moving on and leaving you alone...
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    wow, how much punishment can you take? he seems like an immature 'have his cake and eat it too' kind of guy... he wants you around for sex and cuddling and reassurance and comfort, but at the same time wants his options totally open to chase anyone he wants. and talking to YOU about how to approach other girls and advice etc. is really horrendous... does he also think you are his mother too? he's got some really confused ideas about what it means to be in a relationship, and any signs of jealously etc. he shows appear to be because his totally accepting snuggle bunny/mother/hookup/dear abby might not be available when it he needs her... so you are supposed to be there for anything he wants, but he does NOT have to really be there for you at all, other than to insult and use you. i really would move on to someone doesn't want to use you like this, and has a clearer idea of how to treat a girlfriend with respect. sounds like you are his all purpose 'go to' girl, but he is totally taking you for granted, and being insensitive to your feelings to.. and if he really gets enthralled with someone else, i imagine he will dump you quickly and if you get upset, say something ridiculous like 'what's your problem, we were just friends...' these kinds of messed up guys are NOT good boyfriend material... just move on...
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    i don't think looking at porn online is that big a deal, unless you discover him looking at kiddy porn (illegal and terrifying) or really weird porn that offends you to the point you think he is too different in interests from yours. but if he starts communicating with people via email or videocam or whatever, you are getting into more dangerous infidelity terrority... his next step may be wanting to meet up with one of these people in the groups if he starts communicating with him. so it is really a question of degree like anything else in life. a drink a day may be good for your health, but 10 a day or drinking and driving is not... same principle with porn... so as long as he is not spending extensive time taking away from you and his/your life with this, it is no big deal... but if he starts obsessing about it or shows signs of hiding communications with people, i'd watch out.
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