I've been dating this girl now for a year and a half. Everything has been as perfect as we could ask for, we get along great. My life has really changed since I met her and we've talked about marriage and the future. However there is this one guy, out of all of her guy friends that rubs me the wrong way. I'm not a jealous guy in any sense, never was, never had any problems with her hanging out with guys...She has never had to deal with me being jealous, as I never have been.
This started out a long time ago when I noticed a certain pattern with my girlfriend. There is this one guy friend of her, lets say his name is John. They are friends that used to participate in sporting events together as athletes. So granted they are friends. When I was first introduced, John had a girlfriend so it didn't matter how much he was "friends" with my girlfriend and really seemed to respect me. My girlfriend was noticeably not AS interested when he had a girlfriend previously. However now, John is single and living in town. Let me explain:
She always mentions John and it seems awkward that she is consistently mentioning his name. Keep in mind she has tons of other male friends who I have absolutely no problem with at all. She mentions nothing at all about her other guy friends, John comes up noticeably more. I thought at first I was exaggerating, but after a while, I could see how noticeable it was.
Simple things like, we'd be watching TV together and she'd see a commercial on something and say:
"Oh John likes that kind of beer"
So first sign, John is consistently coming up in conversation on her part. Is it not awkward that she spends so much time focused on John when she has numerous other friends? I don't nearly hear anything about her other friends as much as I hear about John. So a) there is a numerical coincidence between the amount of things remind her of John or b) he's always on her mind
Let me explain the next few signs:
1) John lived out of our city for years and had a gf. All of a sudden John moves to our city and my girlfriend is all excited. She tells me numerous times that he is moving and clearly seems excited. Big deal, I met this guy maybe twice...I guess I didn't feel the excitement. She mentioned it probably 6-8 times completely out of nowhere. One of her best girlfriends moved out of town, and she mentioned that once or twice. Seemed very awkward to me.
2) One night she was going to an pub with her friends. I was at my parents house(an hours drive from our city) for the weekend helping with some construction on their house. She phones me and invites me out that night. I said I couldn't(was a long tiring day) and thought nothing of it. Around 2 in the morning I phoned her to make sure she was ok and to see how her night was going. Turns out, she called "John" who went to the outting with her and now they are at some house party together. All of the original people they were hanging out with, are gone, and she's there with John and a bunch of people she doesn't know. Secondly, every time I wanted to stay out late with my gf resulted in her going into a huge speil about how she can't stay out late anymore and that she NEEDS to go to sleep. Every single time...even the nights she had nothing to do the next day.. But not this night out with John. I ask her if she is ok to get home since she had been drinking. She said she'd be ok, or stay overnight at John's apartment where he lives by himself. I was immediately shocked, hurt and extremely confused. I don't care how close of friends they are, staying over night at another guys house in a relationship is a common sense no-no. I tell her that I'll drive in and pick her up to make sure she gets home ok. There was no way that I'd just sit at home and let this happen. So I get in my car at 2:30 AM and drive an hour just to make sure things are ok. So I get to this house party where her and John are. She asks me if I could drive John home since were all friends right. I tell her that I can't because the backseat of my car is full of stuff since I was in the process of moving. I only had room in the front for my girlfriend. She tells me, "Oh no problem, I'll just sit on John's lap"... I just kinda seized up and thought, ok, what the hell is going on. Turns out I cleared out my backseat for John. We drop him off and shes all making plans for them to go out again, "I'll call you and we can go out for coffee again!" While we're driving home, she has nothing to say to me and tells me its because she is tired. Five minutes ago when John was in the car, she was wide awake and excited to talk to him...So I took her word for it, I trusted her, and never said anything to her about this night.
3) Since then there has only been a recent mention of John, now and then but clearly she talks more about him then anyone else. She has a get together at her house one weekend where she invites only her close friends. Turns out she can't find John's number. So she sends him off this lovey email saying he NEEDS to come to her get together. Days later, she ends up looking up his parents in the phone book, calling his parents and asking for his number. She calls and asks him to come out, he doesn't want to come over. He tells her he's busy watching the hockey game. She feels let down and tells him to call her back immediately after the hockey game...He never calls. She spent more time trying to get John to come to this get together more then ANYONE else. That night ended extremely bad between us, she never acknowledged my existence that night. My grandmother was put in the hospital that night, I got the call at the get-together, ten minutes after I hear the news, she blew up on me, and embarrassed me in front of her friends. Would she treat John that way?
4) She has pictures online on her myspace. Oddly enough, she has multiple pictures of John with "cute" little descriptions on the pics. She has no pictures of me, or us together. I find this awkward for a relationship that is going on 15 months? Those pictures of John didn't coincidentally take themselves, and they certained didn't coincidentally end up online by themselves.
5) One day she comes home with new shoes which I immediately notice being the nice boyfriend I am. I ask her where she got them. She got them when she went on the shopping trip her and John just spent all day doing. I had no idea this happened or was planning on happening? Its a surprise because my gf's days are usually completely packed that I usually don't get time to see or do anything with her until the weekend. Oddly enough, she had time to go shopping with John and not say anything to me about it. If I never asked when she got the shoes, I wouldn't have known they went shopping together.. Weird thing is, I am consistantly mentioning that we should do more together, but theres no time for that.
6) One night after work, I call my gf to see how her day was. Shes at the pub, alone with John. Just the both of them. I ask her to talk but she immediately closes the call within 20 seconds telling me she'll call me later. I was upset that night, rightfully so? I had no idea they were planning to meet for drinks? And why wasn't I invited when I called? My gf doesn't do anything without first planning it days in advance, so this is something that obviously has been in the works and I knew nothing of it. If John still had a girlfriend, I guarantee I'd be invited. When John had a girlfriend, I was around EVERY single time we got together as a group.
7) This week she plans once again to meet John for drinks without telling me. I find out when I ask her on a date, which she says she cannot make it because she has to go for coffee with John. Thats weird, I've been asking her on dates for a long time. Oddly enough she has plans for John. Why doesn't she have plans for the other 99% of her guy friends that she is close to as well.
It just hurts how shes constantly talking about him and planning things with him without me knowing. She speaks with him using a different tone she speaks to me. Almost like she is SO excited to be talking to him, how she was when we first started dating. She doesn't even go through this much effort with her best girl friends, who are closest to her. Am I wrong to think that I should be included in some of these "John get-togethers" ??? He is well aware that we are dating?
I haven't ever mentioned anything to her about John because I am afraid of the jealousy thing. I'm not a jealous guy and in 15 months I have not once been jealous, about anything... Chances are, she'll take it the wrong way, but then again I believe I have a right to ask if something is making me this uncomfortable?
She's really good friends with John and during a recent argument between me and my gf, he was the first one to tell her to end it with me. I'm at the point right now where I need to find out whats going on. Do I have a right to ask?
I guarantee everyone on this message board that when I do bring it up, she say:
"Oh, he's just a good listener"
"He's just a really close friend"
"You are being irrrational"
Over the past three weeks, she has noticably treated me with less interest then she has treated John. She hasn't scheduled an outting for the two of us? Even if its coffee? For us to talk about what we obviously need to talk about?
That in itself hurts me enough to stop caring... I can't seem to figure out why I'm not included anymore in these outings, especially when its only the two of them? Its not one time, its multiple times, and every time I know nothing of it...
