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Silentlyfor

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  • Birthday 01/28/1983

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  1. That's very good advice. I suppose a good place to start are with things that 'interest' me rather than dive into something with passion like the depth the meaning of that word would imply. And, yeah, I have been meaning to branch out and do new things. It may just be having to spend so much time indoors that has pushed away some of the fire behind what I used to enjoy. Thank you!
  2. Hi all. It's been a while since I've posted, probably longer than 2 years, but I feel I'm in a good place to start sharing my life again on these forums. As it stands, I was struggling for while with near-poverty and some mental health issues, most of which are well behind me. Now I just want to move forward, the 1 - 2 years of COVID isolation notwithstanding. I'm trying to find my passion and I'm having trouble finding out what it really is. I thought, for example, I had a passion for literature but, somehow, even after years of studying lit at university, it was a passion that didn't hold my interest(which may be due to working an uncreative office job for the last 2 years, but that's another story). I'm trying to found out what I really want to pour my time into and what really makes sense in terms of ... well, I guess I'm new to trying to pursue my passion after losing the fervor my previous passion. I don't know what that means at this point and I don't know if there's a route to find such a thing. Lately, all I've been doing is playing video games and watching youtube and netflix after work and I feel I can do more with my time. Without getting into to much detail, where do you think is a good start to try and add more meaning and more passion to my life without, like before, pursuing an avenue that may not lead anywhere?
  3. Hi folks. I've been trying to find the motivation to work on a few projects of mine: a book, a podcast, voice acting, etc. It's easy to get a move on most of these projects when I have free time. However, I now have a 9 to 5 job that takes a lot of my energy away leaving me exhausted pushing away the possibility of using mental resources to get any significant work done on any of these projects. I very much want to find a way to come away from a long shift with enough energy intact to be able to make progress in any side project I want. Are there any fellow hobbyists or creatives out there with similar issues? If so, how do you deal with them? Do you find that different hobbies, side-projects or side-hussles take varying amounts of energy? If so, how do you deal that particular challenge?
  4. So since December 2019 I started working a new job downtown. It's a great gig; good pay and the work is relatively fulfilling. I'm even part of a union! Here's the thing ... a management position has opened up recently that I think I'd be good at. This means even greater pay, less need to do gruntwork and I don't have to deal with but at the entry-level. Thing is ... I would have to give up being part of union. Anyone have any experience with this sort of dilemma? Is it worth giving up the benefits and the protections afforded by a union for higher pay and the possibility at moving up? What are your thoughts?
  5. So I've been toiling lately with how to spend my time now that I'm not worried about finding a job. Since I like being creative, I've decided to dive deep into what I can do with my time to express myself. This is a period of my life, particularly since 2016, that I've been absorbing literature across a huge breadth of subject matter. Given my interests, a lot of reading is theoretical, literary, historical and biographical. These topics include but are very likely not limited to social systems, narratology, story structure, writing, writing style, the history of literature, social life on the internet, storytelling theory, internet marketing (briefly during an internship), literary theory and likely more I haven't mentioned. Much of what I've been reading I'm hoping to contribute to what I call a personal guide, or two or many, that will help me in the writing, recording and brainstorming recordable or writeable projects for blogging, Youtube or podcast projects for the last few years. But I feel I can get out of such time expenditure by stepping out of my comfort zone. My worry is I spend too much time trying to do too much at once-or too much overall-and I end up wasting more time and, as is the predicted end result, not getting anything done and, yet again, finding myself burnt out before I complete any projects whatsoever. It seems the only project that I've got going that has endured (finally) are these guides I want to write for myself. While I feel some pride in being able to keep up the energy to get at least ONE of my projects going, I feel this could be more energy wasted because I don't have focus, the drive or the discipline to keep going. And, whether it's because any given project bores me, I like relaxing too much or I feel the project isn't emotionally satisfying anymore, that I give up on what I was working on. Pity, because I have a lot of great ideas but lack the solid work ethic to follow through and make them a reality. Aside from these guides (which I'm hoping to rely on to help keep me on track for future creative projects) I've pretty much given up on all other projects I've worked on. So I invested some time trying to investigate when this ennui started and why I might not be giving it my all. I asked myself the question "what makes me tick, what energizes me and how can I feel personally fulfilled and satisfied by the end of each day?". I've started investigating personality theory and thought Myer-Briggs Jungian-based personality theory might have an answer (though, honestly, I feel I can stand to be corrected). After reading Creative You: Using Your Personality Type to Thrive[/i] by Otto Kroeger and David B. Goldstein, I feel there is a chance I might have limited myself or I could be wasting energy and time. I'm still suspicious of the solidity of personality theory, though, as an INTP, according to various tests, I exhibit behaviors of other types as well. Here's a breakdown on my personality: - I'm certainly more introverted than extroverted (though in certain circumstances I'm extra-ordinarily extroverted like when I'm at the gaming table or at work). While my personality had changed from being silent a majority of the time in my mid-20's, being more inclined to write my thoughts and feelings and connect with people through the internet rather than, ya know, go outside, I've been more verbally expressive and outgoing as time went on as I found I could find energy to get out and talk to people. Certainly, I prefer being on my own, feeling more at home typing or writing out my thoughts and feelings, but I've become more sociable as time went on and, in fact, my job requires I talk to people on a regular basis. Of course, while I'm at work, I don't feel inclined to connect, let alone talk to, my co-workers, preferring to spare my energy to do a great job. This is especially true given I want that energy to work on my writing, research, recordings and skill development for the three. Sometimes, though, I feel I don't have the energy and I need something outside of my own head, my own little world, to give me some energy. While I'm VERY on the introverted side of things, there are times I need to talk to someone or interact with someone to rejuvinate myself so I can get back on track. It's an odd balance that I have yet to sort out. - I use my intuition to the nth degree although I actively to sense to add material to my work, as my observations of other people help develop the characters I write about in free-writing exercises and character profiles for various works of fiction I hope unfolds sometime in the future. Being more into the "grand scope of things" it's easy to forget particularities and details matter and sometimes I need to remind myself that people are not sums of parts but, ya know, people with past experiences that made them who they are. Fashion choices, focuses, hobbies and interests come from somewhere and, a person like me, forgets that rather easily from time to time. That said, I enjoy the taste of food, the wind in my hair, a hug and a smile from somebody else like anyone else. I try to participate in both as equally as I can muster to the energy to, but I'm more of an idea developer and a theorist than a guy who takes things in a thought process of perpetual and emotional deduction. - I'm certainly more of a thinker than a feeler which I think might be the source of a lot of my unfocus. I usually avoid things I can't breakdown intellectually and get frustrated in social situations where I feel forced to confront the situation emotionally (though I'm better than I was when I was younger when I would either internalize what I felt in silence or, on the other end of it, lash out unjustifiably). Creativity, really giving you life and blood and time and sweat and tears into something, does require a deep emotional investment as well which I know I'm capable of when I'm alone, watching something that truly touches me (eg. Doom Patrol got a few tears out of me for example) or sharing and emotional moment with someone, or a group, that I'm close to. This somewhat links to my natural inclination towards introvertedness and my penchant for studying storytelling and trying to see the "big picture" rather the minuteness of everything around me. Needless to say, involvement socially gets the words aloof and insensitive thrown around a lot when people talk about me. - Lastly, talking about perceiving and judging. I don't really take note of this as much as I should but I feel I'm more even- 45/55, judging/perceiving - than I am a firmly one way or the other. I do make rules for myself, especially as I've been getting older and I'm just as inclined to organize my emails by carefully named folders, organize my work into strict categories and make to-do lists ... all of which are activities I find enjoyable. But when I take a look at the big picture, I'm certainly more of a perceiver when it comes to making major decisions life decisions, deciding what I want to do with my day or even saying "no" when I've planned to do some writing, guidebook research or work on a podcast recording. A lot of my time, instead of clinging to a work ethic and putting duty ahead of joy, I choose joy. Instead of telling myself "I need to do this for me and the future" I shove aside due diligence and play Monster Hunter Worlds for a couple of hours. I get reckless with my time too often and the perceiving side, the one that likes fun, pleasure, excitement and "living it up" takes over and the judging side falls flat. This is hilarious to me considering I'm willing to put a full, resounding and devoted effort when my bosses at whatever job I'm working tell me to do my job ... and, this worked while I was younger ... but now, in my mid-30's, when I want to take my own direction in life and have my power in my own hands, I want my voice to get out there and I want to be heard and I want my thoughts to be read ... and I feel I'm getting in my own way when I try. Again, Myer-Briggs is more of a start of figuring out how I develop a better creative version of myself but, by no means, is the end-all-be-all of how I can figure this out. I'm not sure where to go from here. It would be nice to get some feedback from others who've struggled to find themselves creatively and needed some guidance, ideas or help. If anyone has any thoughts on everything I've shared, some advice, a good book or five or a hundred I should read, that would be spectacular. Thanks in advance, you all.
  6. I think that might be the case. I wasn't working very much while I was in university so my schoolwork got my undivided attention. Now, with everything coming at me from every which way, there might be other contributing factors. As far as note-taking and highlighting goes, It's a skill I should develop. The whole 'interactive reading' from Mortimer Adler's book How to Read a Book is starting to make more sense to me now.
  7. I do have rent to pay, an at-home job and friends/roommates who I live with. The biggest worry is that of finding a new job which I've been scrambling to find since the term on my current job is about to expire.
  8. This has me worried considering I have an academic background in literature. I don't know if this has to do with physical or mental health or perhaps age (I'm 36). This sort of reading wasn't difficult in college - I was told what to read, why, what to look for and how I can compatibalize my reading into my writing assignments. Now, I find it harder to keep my head wrapped around read subject matter for long ... and I'm not sure why. I've been reading a lot lately and love books. In fact, I have collected a rather sizable collection of books across a number of topics, but mostly have to do with storytelling, non-fiction writing, social media, social media statistics, business operation books and marketing. This is due, in part, to a career change I'm trying to make and a podcast project having to do with the arts. So, as you might imagine, I have a lot of reading to get through and a learning to get done. But, herein lies the problem. While I can read fairly fast, the information isn't being retained. My memory of what I'm reading is scarce and slips my mind some hours after reading it. It may just be I have forgotten how to read (somehow) or unconsciously I only want key ideas kept in my head. Either way, I'm not sure what it is that's keeping me from being a stronger reader. Anyone got some advice for increasing my reading ability or should I embrace better reading techniques to keep the information in my head? Thanks in advance!
  9. I'm thinking that would be a great idea. I'm looking into options for this as well.
  10. Given the reality I'm facing right now, I'm looking for work where I can find it. I'm even applying to cafes, retail or anyone that would hire. I guess I'm well beyond being stubborn enough to be picky anymore. I just contacted my trustee. I'm going to get an appointment date soon.
  11. Title says it all. I've gotten an education. I found a way to live on my own while going to university. I had a lot of friends, the possibility for a career in call centers but I was stubborn and lazy and I wanted things to go my way all the time. My way ... all the time. Now I'm in so much debt, my CC debt has been sold to a third party collection agency. I don't have a job and I can't pay anything back now. I have to file for bankruptcy and I don't know what to do or where to turn. In the next 3 months, my lease will be due ... I'm going to be out on the street ... with nothing.
  12. I'm not sure what's going on with me, or if this is the best forum for me to put everything out there but, here it is. Keep in mind this is a guy in his mid-30's. Today has been insane. Almost literally insane. I work out of the home right now and, for some reason, I snapped. I just flipping snapped. Over the Christmas season, I've been reading Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. I realize, like Charlie before the experiment, that I'm incapable of being capable. Actually, I'm not even at his level; at least he managed to get employed during his 30's. Here, I'm still struggling. And, here's the thing, I'm a recent college graduate, have tested to have an IQ of 124 by mensa and have a bunch of really cool friends. Even as a guy who's unemployed, single and without family to speak of except my mom. So recently, after trying to sever contact with certain family members whom I now want nothing to do with (their presence triggers memories of abuse and I want nothing to do with them), I snapped. I felt like everything I ever knew was a lie. I went over to all my bookshelves and tossed all my books to the follow, threw down and almost destroyed my laptop and started screaming uncontrollably. All I could think was "my degree is useless and I was never a good student" and "I could never commit to anything I put on my own shoulders" or "having autism since I was young DID make me an idiot and I have only MARGINALLY grown since my teenage years." or "My career choices all fell through because I refuse the responsibility or the rigours of working towards any particular goal" or "I never did well enough in college to even COME CLOSE to getting my masters. What right do I have to want to become a narratology, writing, fiction or storytelling analyst or amateur academic" or "whenever I start something, I give up on it because I get too tired, too scared, too anxious or too self-conscious to make it a reality." Truth bombs all over the place and I can't move past these. I feel like a darn fool because I don't know what's holding me back. I want to do so many things with my life and I know I can do them if I try. There are books I need to read, a podcast I still have yet to record, articles I would like to write and, of course, increasing my writing ability overall. But I let everything get in way: needing to find another crummy job, using energy to get over from the past, finding energy to get all this done. On top of that, I'm starting to get migranes. I want to give up. I really want to give up on everything and go back to having a McJob that has nothing to do with what I've been trying to accomplish. What's the point? I'm never going to do any of the things I wanted to with my life. I'm too old, I waited too long, I have no talent and my drive is NOWHERE to be seen. I want to give up and and never try again.
  13. So I've been diagnosed with adult onset asthma and I'm getting a radio/podcasting career going. This is being managed medically, but this comes as a blow to my confidence and may affect my future plans. I've noticed my breath is getting shorter and my sentences are being cut short as a result. Could there be breathing techniques I could use so as to not sound so wheezy when I'm talking over the microphone? Is there anyone in a similar situation? I'm reaching out to fellow asthmatics who have dealt with this problem as well in their lines of work. Will I have to consider switching out of this line of work and finding something else? What should I be worried about it the near or far future if I keep going? Thanks in advance!
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