BeStrongBeHappy

keep in mind that depression colors everything! you might answer those questions differently if you were less depressed... besides, there are tons of dating websites out there, why does it have to be e-harmony? it sounds like you have a lot of bricks on your load right now, so why not focus on doing things to lighten you load in areas of your life that are contributing to depression, that are more easily under your control right now. if you hate this job, then keep on looking for one that you'd like better. if the commute is miserable, work on changing your job location or home location, or moving to another city entirely that is less urban... the best advice i can give you is to not focus on the fact that you have been chronically single, but focus instead on the fact you might have been chronically depressed, and work on getting out of that depression as best you can. when you are depressed EVERY little thing or issue seems insurmountable and miserable, so you need to focus on getting healthier, exercising, doing things that are known to lift depression. and work the the immediate problems of a job/commute you hate, because being overtired and stressed can contribute to depression. and keep in mind that everyone who is depressed feels like a freak who doesn't fit in anywhere. you're just depressed, and that makes you feel miserable, and everything seen through the lens of depression looks like bad news, including your own opinion of yourself... just a distorted view, not your true self. so please try to give yourself a break and work hard to alleviate the depression, and try to factor in more fun things in your life... if e-harmony is putting you off, it is NOT some grand authority that proves you are weird and don't fit in, it is just a frigging web site trying to make money matching people up... there are a million of them out there, go find one that lets you write your own description of yourself, and spend time getting out to places where you might meet new friends, regardless of dating or not.

you should ask him what is wrong... i.e., why fine, and now acting like he's not interested... he could have found someone new he is also dating, or else he could have been sick, or worried about something etc. it doesn't hurt to communicate about this first, to see if it is something that has nothing to do with you... but if he has just dropped his guard now and is showing his true self (i.e., his true self is jerky), then start going out with someone else instead.

late teens and early 20s are in a totally different life stage that you are... they just want to play around and date around and hang out with friends etc., so boyfriend/girlfriend relationships aren't usually that serious with frequent breakups. can't tell you how many times i've heard girls that age say, 'yea, he was ok, but really too old for me...' they'll experiment with you as an 'older guy', but back to guys their age again... 7-10 years older is a huge gap at that age due to the maturity level. you should be focusing on women 23 or older, in the same life stage as yourself, or even older, 27-34, depending on whether you want a serious relationship or not. those are your real peers. otherwise you're just going to have an endless string of younger girl flameout relationships...

lots of times people try to soften the blow by saying things like 'i think we might get back together,' which is a vague way of postponing dealing with the situation... if you want to get together, then what are you two actively doing to bring it about? move to the same city so you can get together? you need to either decide you want to move forward to try to reconcile, or else move on... what usually happens when one or the other person leaves an open door by pursuing limited contact is that one person will eventually wander off with someone else, then all contact stops, and person who is still hoping for a reconcilation is doubly wounded. so think about what is best to help you get on with your life. you could do that by saying what gets to the REAL point, that is, tell him he can contact you if he changes his mind and wants a reconciliation, or to make plans for you to live int he same city together etc. but just leaving it open to call each other anytime for any reason with no purpose leads to lots of misunderstandings about where you are and what is going on with the relationship. all contact should be about clarifying that, and then moving forward in whatever direction you both agree to, trying to reconcile, or breaking up. lots of people muck around in that no man's land of continued contact after a breakup, and it really doesn't do anything but lead to confusion and more pain and false hopes.

emotions can be quite a tricky thing, and sometimes your logic can get twisted trying to satisfy an emotional craving... you say this: "however, i think i will maintain a limited contact so that i make sure i realise he is no longer in my life..." that is really a very UNLOGICAL thing to do, but your emotions have tricked you into finding an excuse to keep seeing him because you are like an addict who wants a fix... why do you need to SEE him to know his is no longer in your life? you know that every day, because he has broken up with you, told everyone he feels great about it, and he is NOT seeing you unless you pursue him. so contact with him only prolongs your attachment, and prevents you from focusing on healing and moving forward. you could start living for those every 2 week contacts, just hanging on and hoping you will see some change in him that means you can get together, and he could view this contact as 'ah well, there she is again, she's still not over me yet...' then he hangs up and takes his new girlfriend out, and you go back to fantasizing what could have/shoud have/might still be. so you can be 'true to yourself' by continuing contact with, but you must realize these contacts are really like a security blanket and are not getting you anywhere, becuase what you will be doing is focusing on contacting him, and living for that moment, rather than focusing on getting new people and fun into your life so that you can truly heal and get over him. the other thing to keep in mind is that he might be quite indulgent in the beginning with these contacts, but if he really moves on with his life and starts dating other women, he will NOT be so accomodating because he will have other women in his life who will be taking his time and attention... so i really think that can feel like two deaths, the first being the breakup, and the second being when you notice he is getting less and less interested in staying in contact with you, till he is irritated by it, til he tells you sorry, he can't talk, he and his girlfriend have plans... so really, you are just extending the pain, doubling it, and prolonging acceptance that it is over. you might be able to be friends in the future, but only AFTER you no longer depend and crave contact with him or only when thinking about the breakup no longer bothers you at all. that time will come, just not very soon, so that is the purpose of NC, to let you do the emotional healing you need to do, without feeding any false hopes.

i think you have to realize that craving contact with an ex when you have broken up is a lot like a craving for a 'fix' for some drug you are addicted to... you brain will logic up all kinds of reasons why calling him is a good idea, but really it accomplishes nothing but to continue to feed the craving. you might feel good for a short while after the conversation, but then it will settle back down and you will feel WORSE because you have feed your addiction rather than moving forward to HEAL from it... you have to fight the impulse to do anything that feeds the desire to see/be with him, so not going to the party was the RIGHT thing to do. and if his friends like you, then they can see you when he's not around, so that they become YOUR friends, without reference to him... but for a while, you probably shouldn't even be seeing his friends, until you have control over how much you think about him. you should ask one of your own friends call him to go pick up your stuff at his place. it is best to have all unfinished business finished, so you aren't tempted to come up with excuses as to why to call/talk to him. if you must go to get the stuff yourself for some reason, take someone else with you so that you are not tempted to engage in more 'what ya been doing' talk that just stirs up your feelings for him. at this point, STOP yourself from wondering about what he has been doing. it isn't relevant to you anymore because you are broken up. you need to spend most of your time thinking about what YOU should be doing to heal yourself... spending time with your own friends, getting out and doing fun things, taking time to heal yourself. you are still playing out too many scenarios in your head about wanting to do this or that with him to see how he reacts, to see what he doing etc. that just isn't relevant to your life anymore, and just feeds an addiction to him, so you have to try to control how often you think of him. set aside 5 minutes in morning and at night to do that, and at any other time, stop yourself, get do do something else to distract yourself and avoid the obsessing about him.

i think you should date whomever you please, and do not have to 'choose' between two guys when you should be having fun and dating many people during college before settling down... so if you want to date Derrick, you should, and your Mom should be staying totally out of your dating life unless she thinks you are seeing someone who is very harmful or dangerous to you, or unless you approach her and ask her opinion. some parents have trouble letting go of their children and letting them live their own lives, and she sounds like she may be having trouble with that. you are NOT a horrible person, and if your mother is trying to make you feel that way, then SHE is the one who needs to change and recognize that you are not a child that she should try to control anymore. If you are afraid John might get physically violent with you, do NOT break up with him in person. that alone is a red flag, that you are afraid of how he will behave, and he is pressuring you for sex when you have already told him no. so regardless of what your mother thinks, he does not sound like a good boyfriend at all, and i understand why you would want to break up with him. you could talk to him on the phone, and start the conversation by saying it is getting to be pretty obvious that you want different things out of the relationship, and he wants pre-marital sex and you don't, and that neither of you seems to be happy anymore, so it is better that you are both free to find someone who makes you happier. he may be upset, but obviously it is better to break up with him above board rather than letting him find out you are dating someone else, which might really make him angrier and feel used.

Please try to remember that a lot of the grieving process when breaking up with someone is recognizing that you are grieving for the *hope* of what you thought the relationship would be, not the actuality of what the relationship was, which is the reason you broke up to begin with. so if you start feeling really sad and like you need contact with him again, try to think about the reasons you broke up to begin with, and about the *real* odds of him ever giving you what you need. you might get some temporary comfort from talking to him, but all of the same reasons you left are still there, unless he has made a MAJOR change in himself in the last couple weeks, which is not likely. Five years together is a long time, and you are bound to feel very sad and lost for a while, because this has changed your world. but hanging on to someone like a security blanket won't get you the love and happiness you need. it is important to remember that by calling him when you are sad, you are trying to get comfort from the person who is responsible for causing your pain! please try instead to get comfort from people and things that will help you fill your life with happiness and joy, rather than trying to run back to something you had already realized had no future, just for some temporary familiarity or comfort. best wishes, i know it is hard now and your feelings are raw, but it will get better if you reach out and seek to pull yourself into the future, rather than slipping back into a past that didn't make you happy...

the process of 'uncoupling' from being emotionally involved as a couple can occur long before the actual breakup... so you both may have done your grieving work over the breakup while still together... i.e., working through the problems and emotions while still together, until both came to the same conclusion, that it was time to move on... i think it is much more fiery breakup when the couple breaks up really rapidly without giving it much thought first, or the marriage explodes over a major event like discovering of infidelity, or one of the couple is really angry or resistant to the idea of a breakup... and some couples never really get emotionally 'done' with each other, holding on to rage and hate etc. as a way of staying in contact with the person, feeling emotionally that any type of connection, even fighting bitterly over every little thing during and after the divorce, is better than no connection at all. they may not even be aware of their own motivation, just keep the fighting going as a way of keeping the relationship going... so if both people are mature and come to a consensus that the marriage it over, it can be quite amicable and more like moving out on a longterm roommate than divorcing a spouse... if so, consider yourself lucky!

if all she did was say she 'missed her ex', i think you might be overreacting and talking about divorce, especially if she didn't actually cheat on you or see him etc. there's an old saying, that just because you're married doesn't mean you're dead, i.e., you are still going to have passing attractions to other people (that you met before or after the marriage), but that doesn't mean you have to act on the attraction. so if she didn't actually DO anything, just had a passing thought or made a stupid comment when she was feeling neglected by you or something, then i would say do NOT divorce or separate over something like this... just start talking to each other and a marriage counselor, who can help you work through things like this... it could be that you have more of a communication problem than an infidelity problem, if she just verbalized something insensitive and not serious... plenty of people miss their exes, but it isn't always relevant to a marriage, more like a nostalgia kind of thing...

it is very common for people who have married very young to wonder 'what if' they had not married young and had more time to date other people... so it is not unusual that she would (innocently) wonder that, but you are the one who cheated, and now you are discovering one of the side effects of that, which is driving a wedge into the marriage that can lead to you losing your closeness with your partner, even though all you thought you were doing was getting a little harmless sex on the side that would not impact your marriage. it is also very common for the person who cheated to start obsessing about whether their spouse is cheating too (i.e., hey, if i can do it, maybe she's doing it too!)... but that doesn't mean that she is, nor is it fair at all for you to hold her to a higher standard than yourself. so i suggest you immediately go into marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage, or it will most likely implode from the stress of your own infidelity and the changes that causes in the dynamics of the marriage. people who cheat just assume that their own infidelity will not affect their marriage unless the wife finds out, but it has immediate and continuing repercussions related to creating distances, lies, deceit, suspicion, jealousy, etc. etc. so you need to decide if you want to save your marriage, and better hurry up if you do, because it sounds like you are both rapidly drifting apart, and she might decide to end the marriage herself BEFORE she cheats, but BECAUSE she is lacking intimacy and trust in the marriage, and might be finding that somewhere else, with her old crush or someone else...

wow, you are considering leaving your wife for a woman you have never even met, because she 'promises' she won't get fat? the second she married you and ensconces her kids in your house, she could start shoving Big Macs and Reese's Peanut butter cups in her face, running up your Visa bill, running around with other men behind your back, beating your daughter when you're not home, all while laughing at what a sucker you are! now that sounds cruel, but the reason i just wrote that brutal example, is because that scenario is just as likely (or maybe even MORE likely) than the one you are visualizing, where you marry your (skinny) foreign dream girl and she is perfection that never changes and you all live happily ever after... really, you need to get a grip... by that i mean, you seem more than willing to throw away your marriage for the sake of a fantasy, one that could turn very ugly and expensive and into a nightmare. you are considering moving FOUR strangers (dream girl plus kids) into your house who may only be looking for an american meal ticket, and you're thinking this is a good idea? please, please, please, consider marriage counseling, and personal counseling to understand why you would even consider this to be a good idea to begin with. if your marriage really isn't viable, then fine, work it a separation, but do NOT try to slide an unknown Barbie doll into your wife's role... you might discover that there were a lot of good qualities that your wife had that you took for granted, and getting a new wife shouldn't be like trading in an old car for a new one. there is so much more at stake here than just swapping out your wife and finding a new hot warm body to occupy her place... that will just NOT turn out like you hope...

i think you could easily bring something like that up in conversation... and it would give you some relief and let her know your feelings, but not pressure her into feeling she had to reciprocate... how about sometime if she brings up a little complaint about the boyfriend in conversation, you could always say something humorous, but true, like "Hey, if you ever decide you get tired of him and want a NICE boyfriend, I'm your man!" ...just find little ways of working your feelings into the conversations, and see what she says! she may not keep that boyfriend forever either... the only caution would be if you fall for her so much you can't control your feelings, or the situation starts to depress you. then you might have to cool it with her a bit and expand your circle to include women who are free and available for dating...

Reading your posts, it seems like you are having trouble obsessing about how you 'rate' in relation to other men, and are worrying far more about how you are doing in relation to other the other guys in the room (in looks, success, conversation etc.) than you are about just having fun and making friends and conversation. a very simple principle: you should be focusing on making friends with the WOMEN, NOT focusing on some other guy's tie or how much women laugh when the other guy makes a joke, or whether you are unattractive in relation to him etc. etc. yes, there are plenty of handsome guys, but the world is FULL of tons of people who would not be considered attractive by some standard or another, and they meet and fall in love and marry etc. you need to STOP constantly rating yourself against other men, and STOP looking at every attempt to meet and converse with women as some contest you are about to lose. wrong focus, focus on the woman and having fun, not on 'scoring' yourself in relation to some other guy... really, start going out and meeting all kinds of people doing things you like, and talk to LOTS of women and don't invest every interaction you have with every woman as being some kind of evidence you are unworthy if she doesn't start drooling over you the first time you meet. spending time envying other men and hating yourself won't get you any closer to what you want. and if you can't stop obsessing about what you perceive as your flaws, then you need to go to a counselor and learn how to live your life feeling good about yourself and others, not feeling envious and miserable when you really shouldn't...

Hang in there! If you start to miss him, remind yourself that you were missing him most of the time even when you were dating him! It really only takes a few minutes to pick up the phone and call someone, so if he couldn't be bothered with that, then he isn't worth bothering about! the other thing that occurred to me is that maybe he is also in a 'friends with benefits' situation with his ex-wife, so he has to restrict your access to him and watch what he says if he were to call and his kids heard and took it back to his ex-wife that daddy was talking to a woman, and she gets mad about it. i dated a guy like this, who had large blocks of time when he went incognito and he rarely called except at odd times and never spent more than a few hours with me at a time... i later discovered that his ex-girlfriend really wasn't his ex at all, they were still together (and she had no clue about the extracurricular activities). so he was sneaking out to see me when he could, and i think see other women on the side as well! so he had very little time to spend with any one of them other than his own girlfriend. before i realized that i was nothing but spice on the side, at first when i pushed for more time together he would trot out a variety of excuses, but eventually i called his bluff and it just petered out after that, like what is happening to you... he was just not going to jeopardize his primary relationship by spending too much time with anyone else (or getting caught on the phone with them by his girlfriend), so when i demanded more respect and time, he took a powder! but don't be surprized if he makes another run at you sometime, and acts like nothing has changed between you (i.e., calls you in another week or two and expects you to just go out with him like it is perfectly ok for him to disappear). i realized whenever i went thru a cycle where i asked more of him, he would disappear even more, i think hoping i would miss him enough to forget that i'd been telling him i expected more from him... it worked a couple times because i was feeling moony and missed him, but when i realized he was manipulating me and would never spend enough time with me to turn into a real boyfriend, i threw in the towel and stopped accomodating him, suggesting alternative times to meet that were outside our normal meeting times/places, and he pretty much wandered off after that, becuase he was NOT willing/able to see me except within strict time parameters set by himself, and probably dictated by the demands of his *real* relationship with the girlfriend that i discovered later. so you are doing the right thing by NOT contacting him, but if he does make another run at you, i suggest you just call his bluff and put him on the spot and say you want a real boyfriend, not a disappearing and unavailable boyfriend, and definitely not somebody else's boyfriend...

If you were only seeing him once a week, it's always possible that he had another steady girlfriend and was using you as spice on the side, but not telling you about his true unavailability. and married guys do lie sometime and pretend they are single when they aren't, string it along with infrequent contact for as long as you'll let them (until their secret gets out or they think you are asking for more then they are able to give). at a minimum, this guy is pulling a Houdini exit on you, which is NOT nice at all, just to disappear. he probably didn't for whatever reason want to spend more time than that one date a week, and if he doesn't get what he wants, he's outta there.... after 4 months of dating, you certainly were not being unreasonable to expect to see/hear from him more than once a week, so good riddance... i suspect there was stuff going on in his life (girlfriend?wife?) that he just wasn't telling you about either because he didn't want you to know...

sex ALWAYS changes everything... i have tried the friends with benefits thing before, and sooner or later one of you ends up wanting more (or less) than what you originally had as friends and things get complicated and someone usually gets hurt because they want more than friendship now... i think the key here is that she is more than a casual friend, and obviously has very strong emotions towards you, if they are strong enough to break up with other boyfriends because they are jealous of you. so she may really be in love with you but afraid to admit it to you (or maybe even herself) because it would rock the friendship, and potentially cause the end of it if one person's feelings got out of hand or jealousy got too much if one of you gets another boy/girlfriend... the distance between you certainly means you can have a two week fling then make a quick getaway, but i think when you leave, both your expectations and attitudes towards your friendship would have changed, and probably not to the better (i.e., she will now be wanting more from you, or upset you are leaving, or when you get a new girlfriend etc.). so i would think about whether you would ever want this to develop into a real relationship... and if you think you might want to do that, it might be ok if you talk to her and see what she says/expects and try out being in a relationship with her, just like you would with dating anyone else. but odds are if that doesn't work and you break up, the friendship will never be as carefree as it is now, because of the emotional baggage involved in breakups. but if you think this is going to just be a 2 week fling with no consequences, nope, never works that way with a close longterm friend, only with a casual acquaintance. so it could lead to better things if you're open to it, or to the ruin of the friendship if you're thinking fling and she's thinking true love.

i think you can make a decision to try something like DivorceBusters, but keep in mind those people are asking for your credit card number and payment to try to save your marriage... there are lots of people who are so desperate to save a marriage where one partner has already left that they will pay and pay and pay to keep their hope alive, when there is none. so i suggest you get their book (or other books on the subject) if you have not made up your mind what to do, and read up on that and the subject of infidelity etc. there is always a possibility your husband could change his mind, but it is very hard to do so if he has already moved out and in with the person he cheated with... the critical factor to evaluate is whether HE wants to fight to save the marriage... if he is willing to cooperate and consider counseling, then you might have hope... i think personal marriage counseling with a therapist where you both attend sessions together is a better way to save a marriage than personal coaching like divorcebusters, but that is just my opinion...

this is something you should definitely stop, becuase if he finds out out, he will probably stop it for you by breaking up with you. you are not his keeper nor should you be his policeman, and you are definitely violating his privacy. even the FBI can't do what you're doing without a court order based on probable cause... so his lying was definitely a bad thing, but your relentless spying on him could be considered a form of stalking. you need to ask yourself if this is behavior you feel is wrong, and if so, work on stopping it... and if you don't trust him enough to not do this, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him... this is no way to live, filled with anxiety and snooping behind someone's back all the time... if you find you can't stop, then you need to consider counseling to address your own insecurities and need to police him... and if you really deep down feel you can never trust him, then you need to break up and find someone else you do consider trustworthy enough that you don't have to spy on him constantly in a neverending attempt to find a sense of security in the relationship...

i say let yourself get excited about the meeting, but try to think of it like meeting up with any friend you haven't seen in a while and would love to get together and catch up with... too much expectation (or expectation of a 'date') as the first meeting can put too much pressure on both of you since the dynamics of conversing in person can be very different than in email or short phone conversations... you also need time to adapt to each other's physical presense, and adjust any expectations there, positive or negative... i take it as a positive sign that he wants to see you sooner rather than later, but open the door to friendship first, and wait to see what happens next... you both together need to decide whether the face to face meeting was something that made you want to take the friendship forward into something more, or keep it as a nice long distance friendship. face to face meetings can lead to happy endings in relationships, but also can explode a bubble of expectations, which can be quite painful if one person decides in advance they *must* have a date, while the other decides they don't want to pursue that forward after meeting.

blackmailers come in all shapes and sizes don't they? he is obviously testing you and playing a little power game to see whether you will give in and he can control you... you could probably make him 10 things in succession and he still wouldn't want anything you put down. and he is upping the ante by screaming and yelling about it. and then when he doesn't get what he wants, it's the 'mean mommy' game... really, when they behave like a toddler, which he is, then toddler rules need to apply. give him a few different items on his plate at dinner, then he eats or not... i wouldn't fight him over small details, like if you have bread, chili, salad one night, and all he feels like eating is salad and bread, then fine, he won't starve if he doesn't eat everything and tell him that's it, eat what you want. but if every night he disagrees and complains, and he likes nothing you give him, then it is not about food, it is about who holds power in the relationship, and he is trying to be in charge. btw, it's also good to really apply the 'ignore bad behavior, reward good behavior' rules in these kinds of situations. don't listen to him whine, warn him once, then put him on a timeout, then go crank up the TV and watch it and ignore the whining/yelling etc.... and when he calms down and stops pouting, THEN you tell him its good to see your favorite son again, and what kind of sandwhich would he like in his lunch tomorrow? hang in there, they can go through little monster stages at all ages, and this too shall pass when he realizes bad behavior is getting him nowhere but ignored...

i have read all these threads and what comes to mind is that you are spending a lot of time trying to 'guess' or 'interpret' all kinds of body language, what other people say, what's on web pages, etc. in order to figure out where you stand with her or to look for signs that things are going in a positive direction for you, or to worry about jealousy etc., when you are not actually dating right now. the think is, it shouldn't be this hard! what you need to is to play *no* games to try to manipulate the situation in the direction you want it to go. if you want to date her, then call her up and ask her on a date... she says yes or no. then when you are on a date (agrees), then ask her for a kiss, she says yes or no. if she says no, then ask her a DIRECT question... are we dating or just being friends? you need to deal with her openly and directly, and respond to her feedback... it needs to be an *interaction* between the two of you, not you trying to guess/manipulate what is going on. you have to start communicating with her openly and directly to figure out what is going on, NOT spend a lot of time trying to 'read the signs' what is going on. and if you have any questions and are wondering what she is doing/thinking/what you should do next, then just ask her! if your relationship is such that you can't ask questions to know what is going on, then there really isn't a relationship, or even a friendship. so start communicating with her, and if she doesn't want to communicate or tells you you are friends but does not want to date, then that is her answer. if she wants to date, then good... otherwise you need to quit walking on eggshells all the time trying to guess or manipulate... any relationship will fall apart under that kind of stress all the time... all relationships require open communication to work, and no fear to ask questions, be real, and know what is going on... you also have to accept the other person's answer, and adjust your behavior to the circumstances... friends vs. dating, etc.

constantly checking someone else's MySpace when you have broking up is kind of like cyber stalking... if the majority of info you get about your ex is from something like MySpace, it just proves you aren't really having a relationship anymore, because you aren't communicating with them directly anymore, you have to slope around looking for 'clues' to what they are thinking/feeling... it's ok when you *occasionally* look at it if you have a good reason to, but if you trying to read it like tea leaves or some cryptic message being sent out to you, it's time to STOP looking at it at all... just move on with your life...

there are some people who are really weak, and if the opportunity presents itself to cheat and they think they can get away with it, they will... and some guys don't want to go a whole month without sex either... so it's entirely possible that he started this up while you were gone because (a) it was easy to cheat since you were away, and (b) he didn't like only getting sex once a month... then he gets in over his head and off he goes... it is also very common for cheaters to tell their wives one thing (i.e., the affair didn't mean anything, i'll stop seeing her, etc.). then he tells the girlfriend the exact opposite (i.e., my marriage is over, i don't love her anymore, etc.). so the story changes depending on who he is talking to and whatever is going thru his head at the time, or whichever way the wind blows... but he is basically spineless and obviously unfaithful and can't be trusted, so i think you are doing the right thing... you deserve better... if you are an honorable person and love someonne, they can be away from you for work or other reasons and it doesn't occur to you to cheat, let alone do it, even if they're gone a lot. so he is weak and best to move on to someone with more strength of character...

she may have been raised in an environment where kids were expected to be 'seen and not heard', and never allowed to express her emotions or feelings openly... or severe punishment if she 'talked back' to her parents... or maybe abuse or violence in her family where the consequences for arguing were so severe, that she's afraid to argue for fear things might escalate... but everyone's arguing style is different, but you should be able to discuss differences openly, and not nastily either... if this is the ONLY thing wrong with your relationship, these are skills that can easily be learned in counseling sessions, or books etc. you need to talk to her when NOT angry and say you need to learn how to argue in a positive way so you can communicate and come to compromises, and tell her that her avoidance behavior just makes you feel frustrated and isn't good for her or the relationship... then get a few counseling sessions on how to communicate together... it's not a long drawn out process, but something that would greatly benefit the two of you.