BeStrongBeHappy

if someone's intent is to cheat on you, there are a million places and millions of people and millions of ways to do this... i think the issue is that you will never be able to control your partner nor his access to all the other women in the world... you need to learn to let go of this fear unless he is showing SERIOUS signs of infidelity, such as disappearing for long periods of time, losing interest in you, being seen dating other women etc. otherwise he will start to think you are too controlling when he is doing nothing wrong... going online anywhere is not a sign of cheating, unless coupled with other behaviors that are clear indicators of cheating, such as lying about what he is doing, etc.... i'd consider why you are worried about this, is it something he is doing, or are you just afraid of losing him to someone else, in which chase you might want to consider therapy for yourself to address your own insecurities.

wanting revenge when cheated on is very common, but it gets you nowhere... now both you and your wife are cheaters, and your no closer to making a decision about what to do with your marriage, just adding another brick to the load... really, consider marriage counseling for the sake of your kids, and if that doesn't work, then think seriously about divorce... don't date until you're separated... do you want your kids to hear your wife screaming about her cheating husband too?

This could be a few problems... maybe you started dating Joey too soon after breaking up with Chris, before you really did the healing to get over him... it could also mean that you are not ready to commit to anybody, since you want to be with two guys, and hence should not date either of them seriously until you are sure which one you really want... but here's something really important you said: 'Being with Joey has made me realize how it feels to be in a healthy and stable relationship.' by default that means your relationship with Chris was NOT something you considered healthy and stable... people don't usually change all that much in a few months, so are you really sure that Chris has changed whatever about himself that made your relationship NOT that healthy... you can love someone a lot, but if the relationship is not healthy, or the other person not trustworthy, then you may just find yourself breaking up with him again in a few months, and meanwhile you've lost Joey... so i'd think really carefully before committing to one or the other... and if Chris can't wait a while til you sort things out in your mind, then he obviously doesn't love you enough to form a healthy and stable relationship that you want.

If you want him back, then don't play games with him, call him and tell him you want to get back together... he can't read your mind, i.e., know why you aren't communicating with him... No contact is strictly for the purpose of helping you get over someone you have broken up with and move forward. it is not supposed to be a game playing device... so the point is, if you really want to break up with him (or he does not want to reconcile with you), then it is better not to contact him. but if you want to try for a reconciliatin, then by all means, call him up and tell him, communicate directly what you want and see whether he's interested or not.

one doesn't dump one's girlfriend for the weekend to spend the weekend with an ex-girlfriend... just totally ridiculous for you to even think about putting up with this... and why aren't your furious at him, you should be! don't be distracted by the fact that his ex is married now... that is irrelevant, they most likely are cheating... otherwise, why not invite you on that weekend too if she is just an old friend and he has nothing to hide? you're his live-in girlfriend, which in theory should imply a level of commitment that does NOT allow him to go away on weekends with other women without you... and if he's lying and taking other girls to concerts etc. on YOUR ticket, then i also think the odds are VERY high that he has been seeing girls on the side during your relationship, and is still doing so! this all sounds really bad to me, like he has cheated on you multiple times, and you are just finding excuses to try to look the other way... anyway, the first thing you should do is protect yourself from him giving you STDs, and seriously rethink whether you want to be with a guy who keeps wandering off with other women when you aren't paying attention.

i would have to say based on this, yeah, probably cheating... especially late night computer checks and missing phone bills... this is really sad because one has to keep trust alive... she may be thinking she has time to 'decide' what is more important, her marriage or cheating with someone else... i would move forward with a private detective or trying to discover what is going on... allowing this affair to continue doesn't help her or you... whomever she is involved with may just be stringing her along... lots of affair partner LIKE the fact that the other person is married, that means they have to make no commitment... so as an innocent spouse, it is important to protect yourself and kids, and resolve this such that your wife doesn't think she can continue this with no consequences... she needs to commit to your marriage and family, or acknowledge she wants something else, and free you to find a partner who is true to you.

well, it sounds like it is time to move closer together, or let this thing implode from distance and too much jealousy! LDRs are very hard at best because there are limitations set by distance and time together... and LDRs really DO allow more opportunities for cheating since each person is 'on their own'... like someone being on a business trip, it is easy to cheat with more opportunities and less monitoring... but having said that, if someone really loves you, no amount of time or distance or other women will ever make them cheat... and most men DO look at other women, and it doesn't mean they cheat. cheating is based on character and opportunity, and if the character is strong, no opportunity will make it happen. so what are your plans to really be together as a couple? you say he wants to be with you and your kids and support you, but are you making plans to be together, in the same place, full time? rather than worrying about who he looks at, i would work towards that goal. and if he waffles or suddenly DOESN'T want you in the same town, and living with him, THEN i would worry, but not until then.

first off, you need to totally stop caring about what anyone else says, and to be honest, anyone commenting on the fact that someone is 'fat', or a 'big boy' or 'big girl' is downright rude! people seem to feel it is ok to comment on someone's weight and especially abot 'fatness', when that is a personal consideration that should receive no more comment than color of hair, eyes, etc. i suggest that next time someone says something like 'your boyfriend is fat,' you should respond, 'yeah right, and YOU'RE ugly'... might shock them, but then open a dialog that such comments are not appreciated nor appropriate. having said that, your boyfriend sounds exceedingly upset about the situation himself, and obviously is not happy with the situation. it is not easy for some people to stay slim, based on their metabolism and other factors, such as how they were taught to eat and fed as children.... i think it would be very supportive to talk to him next time HE opens up to you about it, and tell him you really love him and the things you told us, how great the sex is etc. then maybe ask him if there is anything you can do to help him reach his goals... how you cook, what foods you eat together, maybe skipping eating out and things that put on weight... there are also supportive groups and diets out there, everything from weight watchers to atkins diet, to services that deliver complete meals right to the home... you could also suggest that you two exercise together, take long walks etc. that are very helpful in losing weight and maintaining weight loss... but i think you should not make unsolicited comments about his weight issues, but be very open and willing to help him when he brings it up, or gets upset etc. and *please* be sure to defend him if someone else makes inappropriate comments about his weight, in front of him or if someone says something to you when he is not there... no one would ever accept someone making a comment about their boyfriend being too ugly, or too stupid, or whatever. its just that our culture unfortunately accepts 'fat' people bashing, and it is NOT acceptable, and cruel.

I guess this is one good reason not to get really drunk when out with friends and away from family... could this be an indication that she has a drinking problem, by that i mean, getting really drunk every Friday night? drinking can seriously lower one's inhibitions and cloud judgment... not an excuse for her behavior, but maybe an explanation... if really gets really drunk every Friday night, she might be a binge drinker, and still need to attend AA and learn how that drinking can lead to behaviors that can ruin your life... one doesn't have to drink a lot every day to have a problem with alcohol, so that bears looking into. i know you keep repeating this incident in your head (seeing her with the other guy) and feeling jealous, but really, if she was super drunk, she can probably hardly remember it herself! i doubt that the man himself was important at all, just WAY too much to drink, compounded by whatever feelings of stress a mother of 4 children under 5 can have led to an indiscretion... a woman with that many children probably feels like she is just a 'mommy' and is suspectible to flattery or feeling romance... again, not an excuse, but there are plenty of unscrupulous men out there who would try to take advantage of a woman, and look for weak spots and will lie and flatter to tempt a woman into sex... so my suggestion is to keep talking with her, and really find out if she has a continual drinking problem that might warrant AA attendance. people do all kinds of things when drunk that they would NEVER do sober, so that might be a lot of the problem here, if she stays sober, then you will not have this problem again. the other suggestion is that your one day a week apart should be an all girls or all boys night, and she should NOT be going out and acting like she is single, just meeting with her women friends in a less dangerous environment... dinner and drinks is fine, but you should go with her for those nights, and she should go shopping or sports activities or whatever with the girls, not out meeting with women and hence other men in bars. since you have 4 very young children depending on both of you, i would suggest you try to work through these problems for everybody's sake. if she ever does it again, THEN i would seriously consider divorce. but you need to do lots of talking and she needs to demonstrate that she is trustworthy, and stay out of bars and other places where she might drink too much and meet men by herself. sometimes one event like this is so traumatic that it will never happen again, but she needs to demonstrate that she is serious about it never happening again too. and revenge always sounds like a good idea at the time and gives a brief surge of adrenaline, but only leaves you feeling empty and exhausted later, and doesn't solve any problems you might have as a couple, just compounds them. best of luck, and keep talking to each other, for your children's sake... also keep in mind that child support for 4 children is probably huge, and if the children are young, most likely physical custody will go to the mother, regardless of a single incident of infidelity, and you will be paying for 2 households, yours and theirs, if you divorce... better to spend that money improving your relationship, and building a stable family life for your children.

spouses who are cheating will lie, lie, lie when confronted with questions that ask if they are cheating, especially if they know that getting caught will guarantee a divorce. so asking her that directly most likely won't get you anywhere, and might just tip her off to the fact that you are noticing her odd behavior. and the number one excuse used by cheaters is telling their spouses they are working when they are meeting their lovers... it seems odd that she just doesn't bring those papers home to grade, and spends a LOT of time hanging around school very late after hours... most teachers do NOT do that, they can prepare lessons and grade papers at home, so why sit around an empty school building when they can do that at home? btw, there is a principle called 'too many details' that can be used to smoke out a lie... usually when someone is asked a question and they are not lying, they just state the answer without too much elaboration... but when lying, people have a natural tendency to realize you might not buy the lie, so they spice up the lie with extra (and usually extraneous) details and say more than a simple answer... so if she really was there and you missed her, a normal response would be something like, 'that's odd, i was there all night, when did you stop by?' but your wife's explanation, '"It was just me and Yolanda, the cleaning woman, and I turned her away when she came to clean my classroom" really is throwing red herrings into the answer... why is she talking about the cleaning lady, and what does turning the cleaning lady away from her classroom has anything to do with anything, not related to your question at all, just an embellishment to try to buttress up a lie by throwing in some more lies that might distract you! and if she was there, and the cleaning lady was there, then the lights SHOULD have been on, becuase nobody works/cleans in the dark! so really, just 'too many details' and trying to distract you from the lie i think... it honestly sounds like she is NOT where she says she is or doing what she says she is doing... unless she has some kind of shopping addiction and is spending her time at the mall and lying about it, i would wonder about cheating myself... if cheating is non-negotiable for you, you might consider hiring a private detective to follow her next time she makes big excuses and disappears for a long time... would be very easy for them to do, just follow her out of school that evening and see where she goes... i hope there is a good explanation other than cheating, and i think a private detective might be well worth the money spent to see what she is doing during all these absenses... might be innocent, might not...

'owning up' to bad behavior doesn't excuse it... and i really don't think he owned up to the bad behavior, he got *busted* at it and couldn't deny it, two totally different things! it really sounds like he is a serious philanderer, and there may be many more women than you even know about... and in his 40s, he is not going to change, especially since he is trying to get you to buy that all this cheating is no big deal, and try to get out of the cheater label on a technicality like saying he wasn't flirting with a real person so it doesn't count... HE didn't know it was your friend, but continued to flirt etc. so you have to decide if you can live with a philanderer... accept him as he is and live with the consequences, or bail. i don't think you'll ever be able to trust him though...

at this point i don't think you know him well enough to make a call about what his motivation is... he could just be a physical person who feels comfortable with kissing/hugging etc. on the first date, but he could also be pushing that hard because he wants to be intimate and have sex with you very quickly, which is not a good idea when you don't know him that well. so i would keep it at a level that you're comfortable with, and slow it down if you're not sure... his travel plans may or may not change, so i wouldn't rule out dating him because of what he *might* do in the future, but keep the communication open to make sure you don't get in really deep with your feelings until you know him better. i think at your age, the age difference should not be too much of a problem if you are both working and have other common interests etc. so don't overanalyze everything he does, but DO communicate with him a lot... talk about your own expectations and what you want from him, and don't just let him drive and you go along with it... if he pushes for sex before you are ready and when you don't know him well enough, tell him you're not ready... if he really likes you for you, he'll stick around, but if he is just looking for quick sex and no commitment, he'll probably just move on...

i know this is so hard for you, when you are trying to keep together a family with kids, and try to support your husband, when your spouse wants to be teenager who keeps acting like he is single and dating like there is no one else to be hurt by his behavior! i hope you understand that someone who would cheat with as many women as he has had a REAL problem, with no excuse for his behavior that you should accept as a reason to tolerate this... if he is impregnating other women while married to you, he is not thinking of his own family and kids, just his own pleasure. so i applaud you for thinking about what is right for your kids, and protecting yourself from the sexually transmitted diseases he might infect you with that could deprive your children of both parents if you get HIV from him because he is indiscreet and not even using protection with his lovers (as the pregnancy of the other woman shows)... i hope you are consulting a divorce lawyer to protect your rights... it is good that he has agreed to lots of things plus a reasonable amount of money, but make sure this is in writing and filed with the court before he changes his mind. you have been a faithful wife, and your kids deserve support, so please move forward with this... you are young and deserve the best, our prayers and thoughts are with you. always think about your kids first, and you will feel strength to move forward with your life, and find a partner who deserves your loyalty and love... chin up, you are young and resilient, and we do understand...

did you tell him you were in an accident and he hasn't responded to you in 4 days? wow, what a selfish guy! really, if ANYONE tells you they are hurt or upset, and you are their friend, let alone GIRLFRIEND, they should express concern and try to be there for you... so if he is so cavalier about what is going on with you, he doesn't care about you at all, and you need to find someone who does... if he was in a coma during that time, or a really good excuse for not getting back to you, then maybe you can accept that... but otherwise, who needs people in their lives who don't care enough to be supportive when they are hurt etc. find out what is going on, and if he just wants to be there for the good times, not the bad, then you deserve better!

I think if you are still hoping to get back together, then every time you see her will just make you long for her and make you again feel your loss... so a short term fix, but a long term heartbreak. having said that, if you REALLY want to get back together, and she calls to see you for a drink over Xmas, then you can always bring this up and ask her how she is doing and has she considered that she might want to reconcile with you? if you are still in contact with an ex, it is really important to make sure that you know where you stand, and don't use the contact as a way to build false hopes for yourself, pretending you are happy being friends when you are really dying inside from longing for her. So maybe you need a conversation with her to get better closure, i.e., find out if the time you have been apart has changed her mind, or if she feels that the breakup was the correct thing to do. if she wants to date you again, great, and if not, you have the information you need to get on with your healing. continuing to see someone you want to have a relationship with, while they just want to be friends, is something i find excruciatingly painful (and most people do)... if you have both moved on and neither hopes for a reconciliation, then being friends is fine for both of you, but otherwise it is probably better to say to her, you have my number IF you want to get back together, otherwise it is too painful for me right now...

i think you can work both ideas into one statement... say something like, 'i'd really like to meet you for coffee sometime if you're interested and available...' i.e., ask her for a small meeting that isn't a big deal, and it gives her an easy out. if she has a boyfriend, she will probalby say something like, 'i'd love to, but sorry i have a boyfriend,' and if she doesn't and wants to go out with you, she'll say yes, that's a great idea!

a couple of thoughts... first, long distance relationships work ok when both people are very involved in their other activities in separate towns, and really like one another enough to try to maintain a connection, but don't mind the fact that their partner isn't available much. however, they STOP working for a variety of reasons, including growing apart and meeting other people who are local and more available to be a larger part of each others lives. so eventually one or both find someone local, and the LDR couple break up, and even go through several cycles of breakups and reconcilations as those other relationships come and go. but eventually, one or the other has to agree to move and both commit to the relationship or it implodes because of distance and insufficient contact to keep the relationship going. your long distance fellow's impotence could be a very clear sign that he is cheating with other people and feeling guilty about it, or is just not feeling close enough to you anymore to engage in intimacy... and i am sure you are also suffering now from both the lack of a sex life with him, and a desire to have someone more involved in your life... so i do not think either or you is a terrible person or not relationship material, i think it is just time to either commit to the relationship, or recognize that LDRs can only go on so long before they collapse for all kinds of reasons... so maybe both of you are feeling bad and guilty, because you both are growing apart... so you really need to decide what you really want to do and communicate with him... it is probably just time for this relationship to wind down and stop, or move forward with both of you in the same city. it really doesn't matter how much time you have invested in each other in the past if the arrangement is no longer working out for either of you, and neither of you is willing to move to the other person's location... but if you really do think he is the right one for you, then maybe it is the strains of an LDR that is causing all these problems, in which case serious discussions about moving closer to one another is in order.

it sounds to me like he's a bit afraid of growing up, especially if he was content to just live with his family and you there too... that is a bit weird to me, that a grown man would prefer that... fear of growing up could also be why he doesn't want to move into an apt. alone with you... that is a very 'grown up' situation with you, living together, and a big commitment. it's a good thing that he is in therapy, maybe you can find out whether this is something he can work through, or the real problem that he just doesn't really want to commit to you... or he doesn't want a real relationship with a woman, but prefers the distance because he can have a fantasy relationship without really being responsible to someone... it will also be interesting to see what 'he isn't admitting everything to himself' means... what do you think the counselor means by this, is he gay or something, and not ready to admit it to himself and hence not being fair to you? had to say, but time will tell.... anyway, if you think you really love him, then i'd visit him but let him stay in counseling a couple months to get a better idea of what is really going on before you make a decision to move out there... or you just don't love him enough to go through the trouble, then just break it off.

actually, your dad's opinion about barbie dolls is not warped, but pretty common. the Barbie doll does have a negative connotation to a lot of people, though it might not to you... it has come to be associated with an empty headed bleached blonde who cares nothing about anything other than her looks and clothes... and men sometimes say they want a 'barbie doll' because they want a stupid attractive girl they can take advantage of... for a little girl, a barbie may be about playing dress up, but to older people, calling someone a 'Barbie doll' type usually means a woman who is not smart, shallow, fake, only interested in looks, etc. Pamela Anderson and playboy bunnies are considered sort of the archetypal 'barbie doll' woman, fake b**bs, bleached hair, partying all the time etc. so barbie means one thing to little kids, and another thing when applied to a grown woman... so maybe as the father of a teenaged girl, he doesn't want you to be thought about that way, or to encourage you to be a grown up 'barbie doll' type girl... so it really may not be that he is being terrible, but trying to be a role model for you and doesn't ever want you to be called a 'barbie doll' since when its applied to a teenaged girl or woman, it is NOT a flattering term... although the yelling and bug eyed stuff is not good when he is mad, i think the problem with the barbie doll is just a miscommunication or interpretation of the different things that 'barbie doll' can mean in our society.

that 'friends with benefits' no man's land after a breakup always ends up badly... usually one person or the other starts wanting more, or gets jealous but still doesn't want to commit, etc. etc. if you still have romantic feelings for him, then there is no way you should be sleeping with him and pretending it is ok, even to yourself... obviously there are unresolved feelings if there is jealousy... if you want to have a friendship with him, then stop the sex. if you want to have a relationship with him, then tell him that and see what he says, and if he wants one too, then good you can start dating again with sex. otherwise it is just a confusing mess, and whatever fun you have together is counteracted by the confusion and jealousy of you two having sex but no real commitment to one another...

i think everybody goes stir crazy when trapped inside in winter... but maybe you two rush the togetherness too much... jumped start from beginning your relationship into a kind of 'forced' familiarity, like an old married couple... but boredom early in a relationship can also be a red flag... either you two don't have a large attraction, or maybe you really want to be out and about rather than having a steady boyfriend who expects you at home with him... anyway, when you have more time to get out with him (or spend less time with him), find out if you miss him, or are relieved to get away from him... that might tell you whether it is just a situational problem, or a problem in chemistry between the two of you...

there are some people who are like giant whirlpools and once you get involved with them you just get sucked in and spun around so much by their lies and manipulations that it is hard to see which way you need to swim to get out! it is really obvious that this guy is a pathological liar and a HUGE manipulator and user and cheater who just jerks women in and out of his life to suit his mood or need of the moment. he is such bad news, that you should limit your contact with him to a minimum, and do not listen to him or allow him to try to talk you into anything ever again. we all have good intentions when we start a relationship, but now that you have discovered his true nature, you do NOT have to spend anymore time thinking about him other than to do with visitation with the children. just go back and read you own post, and look at how many times and how many people he lied to and used. it was not just you, but LOTS of people that he used and mistreated, apparently that is just what he does, and shows he has no character or concern for anybody other than himself. so don't beat yourself up too much about getting involved with him, just put all your efforts into getting UNINVOLVED with him... get legal custody of your kids if necessary, and child support or whatever else you need to protect yourself and your children from him. the reality is your life will be so much better without him in it, once you get a chance to recover a bit and recognize what a user he really is... these types of people never change, they just find a new victim, and recycle their old victims to use again until the victims wise up and protect themselves from the user. just look at it this way... your emotions will be upset for a while because that is a normal thing after a breakup, but your life will be so much easier and better within him in it mucking things up all the time and making you feel bad.

well, the 'iciness' could have lots of reasons... he could be depressed (unrelated to you), sick, drinking/drugging, feeling guilty about cheating on you (which you haven't found out about), attracted to someone else and losing interest, distracted about school, work, whatever. the point is, you need to really talk to him and run through all the possibilities to try to get a sense of what is really going on... if he just says 'i dunno' about what's really wrong and why he feels this way to you, then neither of you is really trying to get to the bottom of the problem, and decide whether you should try to work it out or break up... but it is VERY hard to stay friends while broken up, especially if you see each other all the time, because it is a constant reminder of loss, and confusion as to every little behavior, whether is it good or bad or sending you towards a reconciliation or away from it, etc. so i suggest you talk to him more to try to get more information and awareness about what 'not feeling it anymore' means. the answer could help you make a decision about what to do. but if he doesn't want to reconcile, i suggest you NOT be such good friends, becuase that will only confuse and sadden you and get your hopes up... keep contact to a minimum, and tell him to call you if he decides he does want to date again, otherwise it is too painful and confusing for both of you to carry on like nothing has changed.

well, i think you learned today why it is better to stay away from your ex until you are truly healed... you would not feel this depressed if you had truly gotten over him and and really accepted the fact that you need to move on with your life. look at it this way... if you were still with him, you would still be having the same problems, you're just not focusing on them or remembering them clearly today, you are besotted with excitement at his presense, not the reality of your life with him, and are now let down because you decided to focus on the loss, not the fact that you two aren't suited for one another. now you see him and get a little high from it, and focus on the good things you remember, NOT the reasons you broke up. those problems would just crop up again, guaranteed, if you saw him more than a nostalgic 'how are you' meeting... you become hollow if you turn over all your hopes and dreams to another person, and pin your happiness to whether or not that person is in your life. yes, you loved him, and yes, you lost him, but you do not have re-experience that loss by continuing to see him and focusing only on the good memories, and not putting the whole relationship (and reason for breakup) into perspective. so this just means you are NOT ready to see him at all... instead, work on yourself and filling your life with things that will give you joy, rather than returning to nostalgia land and stirring up your sense of loss again. when you are truly healed and have gotten yourself back at the center of your own life, rather than having him there, then you won't be devastated if you see him, you will either just see it as any other friend, or else you will again remember why you did break up with to begin with... being an adult doesn't suck, getting nostalgic and only remembering PART of the picture does... so avoid the temptation to take a trip down memory lane with him, and move on with your life. better to have a warm, living, loving set of friends and loved ones in your life, than waste time mooning over someone who really isn't there for you anymore... yes, you feel sad today, but you know why don't you? part of you still wants him back, or you wouldn't feel this way... don't put yourself through this, just pick up and don't yield to the temptation to see him or to scratch your sad spot as if this one person was the ONLY good thing or person in the world.... he obviously isn't, and it didn't work out, and he didn't stay with you, so don't invest him with so much importance. keep doing the things that usually make you happy, and he will again recede into the distance in terms of being so important, he wrecks your day and throws you off perspective about the other good things in your life.

well, it sounds to me like you tried to date for a short time a while back and that didn't work so he broke up with you because he didn't really want to date you seriously. Then he took advantage of you later by trying to shift it to a 'friends with benefits' status that got him some sex with no strings attached, but no commitments at all... he continued to like the friends/sex part, but you wanted more and he didn't, so you broke up AGAIN. so then he made ANOTHER run at trying to get easy sex in a friends with benefits scenario, and you told him you wanted more than that, so he broke up with you AGAIN. then he decided to take a run at you with a friends and ALMOST sex scenario, probably avoiding the sex because he knows as soon as that happens, you'd start asking for a relationship again, and he doesn't want a relationship. so this time he was using your for companionship without sex until he found more women he wanted to date, and when he did find others, he is just now doing a sllloooowww breakup this time by distancing you rather than the fiery breakups you had before when sex was involved. So the dominant motif here is that he obviously does NOT want you to date you or have you as a girlfriend, but he is willing to use you for companionship and sex when he doesn't have anyone else more interesting to him on the horizon at the moment... you could go round and round with this a million times, but it looks like he keeps you on the hook when he needs it, just long enough for you to want more, then he breaks your heart again, then it starts over, and you are no closer to having him be your boyfriend, which is what you want. so he has what he wants, and you are yearning for more... please don't take another ride on this 'friends with benefits' merry-go-round... the only benefits seem to be for him, and you have spent 4 years and are no closer to actually having him as a boyfriend. walk away, and find someone who wants ALL you have to offer, ALL the time! you sound like a very nice person, find someone who is nicer to you!