Sweet_e_pea

Well, it's been nearly a month since I've been on here. I spent a lot of time with my wife since, and we've been getting along pretty well. It's hard to avoid the issue of my wife's affairs and it is sad that a lot of different things will trigger a reaction, and I'll get grumpy or down at virtually the drop of a hat. But I've been on a differnent kind of emotional rollercoaster since I've been back to work following the holidays. The day I returned to work, a coworker approached me, making an offhand comment about how handsome I look (I hadn't seen her in a while and I've dropped more than 40 pounds in the past 4-5 months). Next thing I know, we're at dinner. It was all pretty innocent. Mostly about work. Now, I find myself growing increasingly intoxicated by her attention. We've tried to go to dinner a couple of other times -- one of us was always busy or exhausted -- and we'll share a few fun, trivial instant messages a day. Typical work stuff. While it SHOULDN'T be anything special (neither of us has made any sort of flirtatious overtures), for me, oddly, it is. I hadn't had a dinner alone with a woman who wasn't my wife in more than 11 years. And, if nothing else, my newly-found friend -- which at times I feel very guilty about -- is helping me forget the sting of my wife's betrayal by simply offering companionship at work. As for my wife, I've been very open and honest about what's been going on. I really don't want to hurt her, despite what she did. On the flip side, I'm not going to balk at the chance to make new friends, something I found I desperately needed more of in the wake of my wife's revelations. And, if having a new woman's number in my cell phone makes her pay me more attention, so be it, I say. But, and here's the question, where do I draw the line on this new friendship? I don't think it's going to ever get to a point of sex or intimacy, I doubt I will let it. But she's asked about my relationship with my wife. And I'm not really sure how to answer. We've told no one (well, my wife told one person, who's been sworn to secrecy on pain of my revealing her far more painful secrets -- damn that google desktop!) about my wife's sneaky dealings, and I doubt I'll tell this woman, even though I believe she'd be a great listener. I'm just so confused. It's weird. Because I'm also much happier.

Don't be shamed into thinking you did wrong by invading into her privacy! I had to hack into my wife's e-mail, dig through tons of messages, even troll through Google desktop and still she lied to my face. And when I got the truth (albeit through lies and deception on my part -- I told her I confronted the guy, which I hadn't), she had the nerve to say I shouldn't have been snooping!! While she quickly dumped that attitude, I can't believe anyone who's truly contrite and apologetic about what they did would care how you found out, they'd simply care about how they could make amends and rebuild the relationship. To be honest, I feel absolutely horrible about the means I used to find out the truth about my wife's infidelity. But, without snooping and some clever lying, I would never have known. That's the only solace for my guilty conscience. My experiences aren't likely to offer any insight, though. In my case, my wife's transgressions were very anonymous -- I don't think the guy she slept with even knows her full name. Oddly, that makes it easier for us to move forward. And she's killed any contact, too. As for contacting the other potential cheating victim (his wife)... well, that's a toughie. Since this transpired, I've always said that I would have welcomed anyone warning me that this had been going on. But, as I look back, there were people who said they had suspicions, and I disregarded them. I'm so sorry for your situation. It's likely going to be a tough road ahead.

Sounds like your "friend" has issues in his marriage. For example, if he's still staying in contact with you, despite the fact he's married -- and you've said you haven't met his wife -- that's a bit fishy. I wouldn't want my wife to keep in contact with exes I didn't know after we were married. That's a red flag for me that something is obviously amiss, despite what you found in his e-mail. If he is your friend -- a true friend -- offer counsel he is willing to accept. I agree you can probe gently about the issue. If you still talk, then "Are you happy in your marriage?" is not a loaded question that might lead him into opening up. If you don't feel comfortable asking a question like that, or he doesn't feel comfortable answering, then unfortunately I think you have to drop it. Personally, if someone I didn't know could bring me evidence my wife was cheating, I'd have appreciated it. As someone who's been cheated on, I would have thanked anyone who would have told me what was going on. Though many friends came to me with suspicions, and I disregarded them as I was confident in my marriage. Ooops. But -- sadly -- if he's not willing to talk about it, I'd let it go, mainly because of the way you learned about it. Hope that helps.

Mr. Brightside -- It's scary when you mentioned the weight loss -- I've lost 40 pounds in 3 months. (Bringing the total to more than 60+ pounds for the year!) I can hardly eat. And what I do eat, oddly, is much more reasonably portioned. People at work think I've been undergoing chemo or something. Now, admittedly, I've also started working out aggressively to vent some of my frustration and -- frankly -- to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex. We're ever so slowly working through our issues, and I honestly have no idea how this is all going to wrap. I'm hopeful. We seem to get along pretty well for the most part, though I am still prone to periods of depression and anger, most of which we talk through in emotional cry-fests. I know what you mean about being unable to shake the feeling that she's hiding something or that something's going on. When you're caught completely off guard by something like this -- and I was, so much so, I was vehemently defending her to our mutual friends, answering their suspicions with "My wife would never do that" -- it melts your whole sense of security into a big pile of goo. I do check e-mails. I do check phone records (a little closer inspection on the phone bill, by the way, would have ended this issue months ago). But -- and this is scary -- my wife wasn't really one to hide her e-mail from me. We'd often have to fetch something out of each other's accounts. Turns out, she had created another address just for this guy. My wife seems absolutely committed to get through this. She's very understanding for my need to check up on her, and, in some ways, encourages it. She even volunteered to sign a mid-marriage contract specifying no spousal support or child custody in the event of any other infidelity. Which, given the amount of money I make and how much we both like to spend it, was quite shocking. She'd be willing to leave herself with nothing if she did it again -- that at least raised my eyebrow. Most importantly for me as we move forward though is that, despite the times when we have been recalling the woes of this year (well, mainly it's me holding us back -- I'll admit that, I'm having a heck of a time moving forward) -- we've actually had a lot of fun; it's like we've rediscovered each other. Sure, I hate what she did to me and the choices she made. Heck, I hate some of the choices I've made this past year, too. But I can't hate her. If that makes any sense at all.

A week later after having her finally tell me the truth, I'm not sure how much better I feel. I'm still angry... sad... depressed. Yet, still very much in love. It's such a scary time. I've been with my wife for more than a third of my life. And I can barely remember a time when we weren't together. And, I've been willing to forgive all of her Internet e-mailing and idle chatter. Frighteningly, for me, it all comes down to the sex. That's something I had reserved for someone I really loved -- my wife is the only woman I've ever been with. Now, I find myself yearning to be intimate with another woman, too, not so much to hurt my wife, but to treat myself to something different. My wife is a fantastic lover and the past year that part of our life has been very good -- but I feel like I deserve to do something for myself, too. I know that sounds bad and, honestly, I doubt I could ever go through with it. But I do find myself wishing to draw even with her that way. Does that make me a bad person?

I recently learned my wife of 10 years cheated on me this year -- in more ways than I would have ever imagined. And, I'm trying to work through it. But, deep down, I think it's over. Not that I don't love her, and not that she doesn't love me. But because I don't think I can forgive or forget. Here's an addendum question: If I do leave, and I'm still bitter, should I tell her friends about my reason so they don't think I'm some deadbeat or something? (Though, I think I'd really be doing it just to spite and humiliate her.)

One more thing -- our children are growing concerned over our current issues. Up until the past few months, my wife and I have never fought in front of our kids. Now, because of the heated nature of our fights, our oldest, 7, has fears that we're going to divorce (which, clearly, is a realistic possibility). I don't know what to tell her or how to help her cope with the fact that her mother and I are not seeing eye to eye. I always tell her everything is going to be allright, but she wants to hear that we're always going to be together. She wants to know what Mommy did to make me so mad (or what I did to mom to make her cry). This fighting is tearing my wife and I apart, at a time we're trying to move closer together. And now, we're letting our sparring affect our children. We've vowed that we're going to try to keep it civil, but moments of stressful discussion seem to spontaneously erupt. In fairness, I'm usually the cause of the fights. I'll blurt out something malicious, stupid and bitter (like she's a dirty sl*t) or breakdown for no reason. I don't want to be like this. I abhorr what she did, but I'm increasingly hating the person I'm becoming. This anger and hatred and depression -- it just isn't me. Maybe I'm just a fool, but I still really love her. I just wish I could move forward and get past this.

Thanks for all of the thoughts. I think I'm assessing the situation this way: I really do think her cheating ways are over. And I believe they've been over since I confronted her on something else back a few months. We've both been through a lot this year. And I have come to realize there are parts of my life -- not at all sexual or related to infidelity -- that I have kept from her, as well. I really believe she has changed and is 100% devoted to me and willing to do whatever I ask to make this work. I feel really confident of that. That said, I think this string of betrayals may be too much for me to forgive. While I do hold it against her that she lied repeatedly about it -- she was right to assume that the revelation could likely break up our marriage. Because it probably will. The only thing she isn't willing to talk about is our splitting up. She absolutely wants to stay together and, as I said, is willing to endure whatever pain the reconciliation process takes in our marriage. But, I'm not sure what I want. I have images etched in my brain that don't go away. I'm so hurt. Another thing she desperately wants is for us to keep this to ourselves. She feels the embarrassment she'd feel from friends and family would be too much for her, sending her further into a spiral of depression. And I feel like that closes all my outlets to seek help and support (save my counselor and this forum of course). Thanks for listening.

Thanks for the responses. I'm sitting here in my office wondering if I should go home, after reading what you've all written. I need to clear something up: After I confronted her on the issue she did tell me about (kissing her rock star fantasy), she broke off all ties with these other guys (again, thanks to Google Desktop, I can prove that). So, when I asked her to change and she did the same of me, she had ended all of her funny business. She felt that, as we were recommitting to each other, that there was no purpose in telling me as it would only hurt me (which it obviously did). And, if it hadn't been for the aforementioned Google Desktop, I would have never found out as she had been otherwise very careful to cover her tracks. But I love her. And between that episode and today, we've been getting along great. Now, I'm more confused than ever.

I posted last week about how about a month ago I had caught my wife (through her e-mail) saying she had "made out" with another man once about 10 months ago and had kept in contact with him since. (Read my crazy long rant) She told me the story, I saw the whole slew of e-mails, and we were working out our issues, albeit slowly. Yesterday, thanks in no small part to these boards, I learned the joys and evils of GoogleDesktop, which apparently saves everything you ever touch while using your computer. Given a sneaky suspicion there was more to this story, I used it to search her computer (thank goodness she installed it back in late 2005). I found more e-mails from this guy, all were innocuous and corroborated her story. But, I found a single, by itself, only slightly mysterious e-mail from another guy (keep in mind, there are like 15,000 e-mails and stuff on there) from a couple of months ago. I search under his e-mail and find a few more. "Thanks for a great night last night." Now that's more than suspicious. So I confront her. She doesn't deny meeting him at a bar and making out with him. Eventually today, after admittedly deceiving her, she confesses that she slept with him once. Now, I'm really at a loss for what to do. We've been married 10 years and have two great kids. But I can't understand how she could betray me like this. It hurts so much!!! Can/has anyone had a marriage survive a hurt like this??? Suffering quietly.

Thanks for the comments. For me, the physical act of cheating -- in her case it was just some making out -- is far less important. In fact, a part of me feels like if she had had sex just once and that was it, I'd feel less hurt than having her carrying on for 9 months on the phone and e-mail. Because it would have been one mistake. As it was, she called, texted and e-mailed a lot more time than they've ever spent in person. And that seems to hurt me even more. And it makes me feel very stupid for not seeing it. I mean, I get the phone bill every month. And in hindsight, there were a few calls a month where I should have seen the number stand out (his area code was different than every other call on the bill). And the text messages -- clearly listed on the bill -- would have been a dead giveaway (though she only had this service for two months before she broke it off). I also feel really bummed because -- if my laptop hadn't broken down and I had to use hers one day while she was gone -- I'd probably would have never found out. Even when we had our alleged "put everything on the table" session, she didn't offer up this. Though part of me wishes she would have had the sense to delete the emails. (She was smart enough to delete the text messages on her phone). Sometimes, I almost wonder if I'd be happier now not knowing.

I'm really struggling with moving on after being cheated on and I'm just not sure how my marriage is ever going to be strong again. Any and all advice welcome. Here's my tale, from my perspective (warning crazy-long story ahead): My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We married when I was nearly 22, she was 23. Now, 10 years later we have two kids (7 and 5). We've moved away from family, but I've found a six-figure job that allows us to live fairly comfortably and has allowed her to stay home with the children. About a year and a half ago, my wife nearly had a meltdown She said the pressures of being with the kids nearly 24-7 for six-plus years was getting to her and she needed time to do things away from the kids. As we didn't have any family nearby to help with the kids (and, at the time, no reliable sitters) that often meant doing things apart at times for recreation. So, she's been increasingly involved in local groups (Moms clubs, pta, etc.) and occasionally been taking trips for herself with her friends. She went with an old college friend (female) on a cruise in April, but nothing out of the ordinary. At the same time, I need to mention, she's embarked in an aggressive weight loss plan and in a year and a half's time, she loses nearly 130 pounds (down from nearly 300). That takes us to early this year. Our relationship seems pretty good. The fights we have are few, but heated, and all circle around where we live. My wife really misses our family and often says so. She wishes we had more money, less debt. More options to just up and move. This year has brought plenty of turmoil: My sister commits suicide in Jan., my job begins to change radically, my wife has a treacherous heart procedure done and this fall, my kids both begin school full time. So it's been hectic. But there are plenty of bright spots: We celebrate our 10th anniversary with a week-long trip to Vegas, our sex life is the best its ever been, and my wife and I are very active and healthy. Early October is where it turns. A friend (female) has won tickets to a very small-venue concert with my wife's favorite band. I can't win tickets for myself, but no biggie cause I know she'll have fun. So, I wait up for her, till 2 a.m. (Bars close at 2 here.) No answer on her cell, I start to get worried. But I head off to bed because someone will have to get the kids rolling in the morning. She rolls in at 2:30, smelling smokey and acting a bit weird. She hops in the shower, makes a phone call and rolls into bed. She's had way too much to drink and she's always a frisky person when she's drunk, so we have some of the most akward sex of our lives. Eventually, I try to pry for more details on her night, she says she's tired and we'll talk tomorrow and she drifts off to bed. So I drop her at her friend's house (to pick up her car) after taking the kids to school and she said she'll be home soon. She's acting weird, and I ask her what did she do to embarrass herself (she's prone to doing weird things when the band is around). Later, she says. She arrives back home an hour later, and I confront her. After dodging around the issue, she says she was hangin out with the band after the show -- lots of one-on-one time -- and the lead singer kissed her. Twice. No biggie, right? I flip out on her. (Her whole story is a bit more drunken fun and excitement, but that's what it boils down to.) She proceeds to tell all her friends about it -- even my friends and brother -- insisting I'm being a spaz about it. And that "It was a celebrity" and it doesn't count. Clearly, many of her friends don't concur and it prompts a "here's where our relationship really is" chat where we both put everything on the table. She says, I haven't been there for her, I'm not as attentive, that I haven't been keeping up my appearance, that I'm not providing for her. And that all of that, combined with the drunken celebrity of it, was what caused the post-concert face-locking. Basically, it was a really good dialogue where all of our ills were aired and we both promised to change going forward. And the change was instantaneous -- for both of us. If we had only talked through these issues earlier, our relationship for the past year would have been so much better. Fast forward a couple of weeks. In the weeks following, my wife goes off for a long-planned, yearly meetup she has with old college friends. This is the first trip, in a long time, where she doesn't take the laptop I bought her for Xmas. I have my own from work, but it's on the fritz. I use hers and notice she's been logging into an e-mail address I've never seen her use. I try to access it (I know this is bad) -- she and I only use a few passwords, but I can't get in. I ask her about it -- she's not sure about it (she registers for so much junk that have different logins, I'd actually buy this answer). So I let it slide, for now. Fast forward to mid week. After she denies all knowledge of the account again, claiming she has no idea what it's for, I tell her maybe I'll try to hack it if I have time. She laughs and says go ahead. Well, an invitation like that is all I needed. After 10 years of marriage, I know her father's middle name, her mom's maiden name, the last four of her social and any other potential security question. So, within moments, I realized this is an account she set up. After resetting the password, I log in to find more than three dozen e-mails she's been trading with some guy she met at an event in Feb. The e-mails are both damning and saving at the same time: They clearly point to the facts that: 1) My wife broke off the relationship after our talk earlier in the month. 2) They never had sex (though they talked about it) and 3) My wife always in her e-mails says she's conflicted and doesn't want to hurt me. Don't know how that makes me feel. And, after confronting my Mrs. of 10 years, I'm told it's someone she saw in person once, made out with "a little bit" with "over the clothes touching" and had kept in contact with since. She never saw him again. Thought about it. But that was it. She said he just made her feel special. My wife was very contrite. Begging me not to leave her. Said she ended it weeks ago (with the phone bill and e-mail traffic confirming) and that she loves the new relationship we've come to have. So, after the super-long rant, here's my conundrum: I love our new relationship, too. The weeks between the two events were some of the happiest in years. I love spending time with her and our family. Just lingering in the back of my mind now, is can I really trust her? Has she really told me everything? (If she hasn't, do I really want to know?) Are her deceitful ways all over (she talks in one of the e-mails about how she had to be sneaky to talk to him)? This guy, who lives way out of state now, has clearly moved on (apparently, his interest waned when he offered to come back to the state for a week and my wife rebuffed his attempts for a hook-up). There are some questions -- like how she ended up telling one of her friends about this affair -- that she won't answer ("I don't remember how it came up"), but otherwise, she's tackled everything I've thrown at her. Again, thanks for reading. I don't really have an outlet to talk about his (except with my new-found counselor). I'm far too embarrassed to talk about this with my/our friends.