Jump to content

BeStrongBeHappy

Platinum Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    7,350

  • Joined

  • Days Won

    38

 Content Type 

Everything posted by BeStrongBeHappy

  1. BeStrongBeHappy
    People get stuff on their hands then scratch their neck... could have been one of those red marker pens they use to write on blackboards at work, or some kind of soap or lotion they put in bathrooms, or salad dressing or marinara sauce from lunch... or, some women he worked with had lipstick on her hands and shook his hand and he later touched his shirt... there is a kind of lube grease used on cars/machinery/equipment that is reddish, maybe he opened the copy machine and got some on him... so i'm saying that you cannot jump to such a large conclusion like kissing another woman from ONE unidentifed smudge mark on his collar... could have been a million things other than lipstick he got on his collar from his hands. he could be cheating, but it could be a million other reasons too... cheating ALWAYS comes with a cluster of other behaviors rather than just one 'sign'... does he lie? disappear and have unaccounted for time? whispered phone calls? ignoring you? sex gone downhill... etc etc. i think i would look at this rationally and ask yourself, is he doing lots of things that indicate he might be cheating, or am i just really afraid of losing him to someone else? depending on your answer, you should proceed in different directions, to deal with him, or to deal with your own fears...
  2. BeStrongBeHappy
    Most people WANT to see the person they love every day... not smother each other all the time, but at least touch base every day and share some moments... that's why people live together and get married, to form a partnership and spend time together... so if she is always doing the shopping thing and putting you off and not seeing you except when SHE feels like it, either she is very selfish/independent, or she just the type who wants a boyfriend on tap for whenever she feels like getting together, regardless of what you want... so i think the best thing to do is to tell her exactly what you want... that you want to see her every day, not feel second best etc. that is just what you want in a girlfriend, and if that is too much for her, then you are better off seeing other people. and if she tries to protest or worm her way back in, then say, so you'll be seeing me every day? and hold her to it... then if she doesn't see you often enough, you can really break up, and say, look, we've already discussed this and tried it and you just don't want to spend enough time with me to be my girlfriend... so you could try to negotiate with her first, but hold her to it, don't take any excuses... if she's giving you excuses, then you can point to those excuses and say, been there, done that, not happy, this is not working...
  3. BeStrongBeHappy
    Luke... She could still be ambivalent about her feelings, but she could also have made up her mind and is just using you as a security blanket until she gets a new boyfriend firmly in her life... it's never easy to break up with someone we still like but feel is not the 'right' person for a longer term relationship... her values are her values, which is sad. you could make a ton of money, and then have an accident or lose earning power from an illness... would she dump you then? i think one has to be realistic in terms of choosing a partner, but don't those vows say 'for richer and for poorer'? if she doesn't feel this way, then that is a big heads up that her priorities are self centered and materialistic... she could always 'work' with you to find a happy medium if she wanted... i.e., negotiate how much money you need as a couple and ways for you to earn money while still pursuing all your dreams... but she chose not to do this, just make a judgment that you weren't 'worthy' because you weren't a big earner. so i think you need to recognize she is someone who values money and being supplied with money from a man as really important, or she wouldn't be making this choice if she does indeed love you... so she either needs to get a spine and not let her family pressure her into giving up someone she loves for the sake of money, or else these is her own feelings, not just her families, and she has made a choice based on her own personal values.... my suggestion would be to NOT play any games about 'playing it cool' or waiting for her or anything else that stops you from finding someone who really loves you for you, not your money... my advice is next time she calls, tell her exactly what you want, her back as a girlfriend, and to negotiate a reasonable future for the both of you together, where both people are happy, rather than just chasing after some man for money. if she won't agree to that, then time for you to move on and find someone who values you as a person more than she values money... she knows where to find you if she does change her mind and want you back as a boyfriend, so i would suggest moving on with your own healing, since she's going to do whatever she wants anyway, chase that other guy or some other guy entirely who meets her criteria as a money maker. you sound like a very nice thoughtful person, and deserve someone who loves you first, and does NOT look down on you as inferior due to your earning power... most of the world is NOT well to do, and they manage to be just as happy as other couples trapped on a workaholic treadmill trying to fund a yuppie lifestyle.
  4. BeStrongBeHappy
    she's either actively toying with your feelings (power trip?) or else is just looking at you as a 'backup plan' should her other social activities fall through... either way, you deserve someone who makes you a priority, and sticks to her promises unless she has a really good excuse not to... she'd be a flakey friend OR girlfriend, so i'd back burner her yourself and spend time with people who treat you more nicely than she does...
  5. BeStrongBeHappy
    i would try to avoid classifying your husband as a 'freak' in your head because he views porn... most men view porn to varying degrees, and masturbate frequently... unless the kind of porn he is interested in is truly freaky or illegal (i.e., kiddie porn) etc., THEN he's a freak and you have a right to be really disgusted... i also imagine that *most* of the neighborhood children will eventually find a copy of their own Daddy's Hustler or Playboy magazine buried under the mattress at some point, so i don't think your friends or neighbors would be suprized at all or as scandalized as you think they would be to hear your husband looks at porn... lots of wives don't object at all, as long as their own sex lives with their husbands stay healthy. but porn becomes a real problem when he is using porn as his ONLY sexual outlet and is neglecting your own sex life for fantasies... you have a valid right to be angry about that... he is depriving you of a normal healthy expectation in a marriage, and that is quite selfish of him... so be angry at him for being a self centered jerk, and see if you can work through your anger and perception of him as a freak with a counselor... so the question becomes, can the two of you work on re-igniting your own sexual desire? i think that is where the counseling is essential for both of you...
  6. BeStrongBeHappy
    babies have a way of showing up when unexpected, not necessarily when convenient or the right time in a relationship... if he decides he now wants to 'commit' more, that doesn't mean you have to leap into anything or think he is insincere... just continue the relationship and make plans for the baby (if you are keeping the baby), and see how the relationship goes... you can wait to marry until you are sure that the commitment to you and your entire family is sincere, and will last. babies can cement a relationship, but also put a lot of pressure on it too, so you will find out how sincere he is if you take your time and don't rush a marriage...
  7. BeStrongBeHappy
    btw, sometimes guilt is really an attack of wisdom, so you don't have to 'do' anything with it unless you feel it is something that he might appreciate... personally, if i had someone treat me badly, i would think it nice if they apologized years later because they finally realized how jerky their behavior was, as long as it was a 'happy' contact, not too emotional or demanding or with expectations of 'forgiveness' attached...
  8. BeStrongBeHappy
    if things are still friendly with the ex (though not frequent contact), you might want to send him an email, just saying, i've grown up, and now i know i treated you badly, and want to apologize, for what it's worth... if you get a nice response back and want to share more info with him, then you could... just see how he responds before sending anything too long or detailed... the time lapse might be confusing to him and he may not be interested in what you have to say... or he might welcome re-opening a friendship with you...
  9. BeStrongBeHappy
    it really looks like your wife is craving excitement and stimulation... some women don't handle being home with kids 24x7, especially with no family support nearby... having said that, it does not excuse her behavior... she has certainly been playing with fire... also, when women have been really obese and lose a lot of weight, the extra attention from other men can go to their heads... they have felt like a big 'mommy' slob, and now they are feeling their oats... still not an excuse, but a possible explanation... i find it very positive that she has re-committed herself to you and your marriage, but i do think some marriage counseling is in order whenever anyone has flirted with infidelity, even if the act never occurred... you also might consider trying to get a job closer to family if that is a big problem for her... you seem to spend a lot of money on trips etc. for her (and away from you, not good if a person if thinking of cheating)... so maybe a job that pays a bit less, but near home where she has a support system to encourage other activities that fulfill her but are NOT of the single partying type pursuits like bands etc. she has been purusing... ..or perhaps time for her to consider a part time job and put the kids in daycare half day? anyway, i would keep talking to her, and help her find some healthy outlets to give her mental stimulation, but not those that are more like a return to single life activities, and hence in troubled waters...
  10. BeStrongBeHappy
    oh dear, i am sorry for the breakup, but impersonating him in instant messaging really is way over the top jealous/stalky behavior... people on his list could be work colleagues etc., and depending on the types of questions you were asking the woman and what you were messaging her, could be very serious consequences for HIM, lost his job, etc. so i would suggest attending counseling for yourself, to discover why you are overreacting the way you are in terms of snooping/jealousy behavior. there are appropriate ways of handling your insecurities and fears, and inappropriate ways. ... and really, did you expect him would NOT find out about it, one way or another? anyone you contacted might call or talk to him to ask what was going on with those weird messages, so really unwise on all kinds of levels... so rather than trying to get him back, i think you should try to get your own sense of security and comfort level back so you can have a relationship with someone without spying on him all the time due to your fears... and you might want to send him a letter and apologize, and tell him you are in counselling to address your excessive jealousy issues... if he cares enough about you, he may contact you again eventually, but then he may not if your behavior angered and/or frightened him as being too stalkerish, or got him in big trouble with one of the people you were messaging while pretending to be him... i'm really sorry, but this may be one of those things filed under 'lesson learned...' invading someone's personal privacy with no real reason for it does end many a relationship...
  11. BeStrongBeHappy
    next time someone tries to tell you what to do, just say, yeah, i'll do that, and btw, i think YOU need liposuction... LOL!!! everyone has an opinion when someone gets pregnant, and wants to give medical advice, i don't know why that is... even strangers want to pat your stomach! something about reproduction just brings out the busybody in everyone... don't let it get to you... actually, you can have fun with it... next time someone says something inappropriate about your condition, or birthing method or whatever, just say you've decided to give birth via an ancient maori birthing custom swinging in a hammock while all your friends surround you chanting and beating drums and throwing peanuts at you, and would they like to participate in this special event??... watch their faces drop (and have a good laugh)!!
  12. BeStrongBeHappy
    i would definitely confirm the pregnancy with another test... and decide what you want to do... you will have to talk to him one way or another, but give yourself a little time to digest this information and decide how you want to approach him with the news. this kind of news usually is a litmus test of the relationship... he will either commit to you, or break up entirely... so decide what is best for you and talk to him about that. good luck, i wish you the best.
  13. BeStrongBeHappy
    Anti-depressants can be very helpful for people who are stuck in a rut of depression... there are many different kinds out there, so please don't generalize and say they kill you and make you fat... they save (and reclaim) many lives for people who have chemical imbalances related to too much stress (and heaven knows breakups are stressful)... so keep up the talk therapy and getting out and about, and when you're doing better, you won't need the drugs anymore...
  14. BeStrongBeHappy
    Frisco... it almost sounds like she is trying the idea of leaving you on for size, without actually doing it yet... i.e., living with you while thinking of maybe leaving, but not sure yet... people always go through an emotional/mental separation before they physically leave... but the fact that she says she 'misses you' even when you're together does give an indication of where her head is... she is seeing this as a transition period, and has moments when she remembers the good things and reconsidered what she's been thinking about... i would keep trying to get her into counseling if you can... she's kind of sitting the fence right now, not participating fully in the marriage, but not leaving. you need to talk to her about her plans, and decide how long you want to let her drift in this limbo state... it must be really hard on you not knowing what is going on, and she really should talk to you more about her feelings rather than just making the vague references she has been making... you can't read her mind, and she seems to expect you to.
  15. BeStrongBeHappy
    13? wow, that is so young, maybe you should just be friends and not be used by any guy who tries to convince you using you is alright, or using you then using your bestfriend is alright...and you should move on if he does use you. you are too young to be in a relationship, emotionally or LEGALLY.. this guy is a jerk, don't let him or anyone else convince you otherwise... enjoy your TRUE friends, lose those who will use you.
  16. BeStrongBeHappy
    hi... i tried being blonde for a year, but all i got was terribly dry hair, split ends, broken off, dull, etc., with using endless 'products' to try to restore my hair's own lustre and health... so i went brunette again, and never looked back... you need to ask, is blonde the right color for you, or just what someone tells u you should be?? if you are a naturally dark, healthy brunette, totally bleaching your hair to blonde may not be the right thing, just the latest trend, and not worth the effort or the destruction it causes you... at least 18 months, just to restore your hair to *almost* shoulder length without split ends and total dryness nothing will fix.
  17. BeStrongBeHappy
    The fundamental point is you guys are getting divorced, so whatever uncomplicates your lives the quickest works the best... you also can't count every 'what if' in a complicated house scenario going your way, i.e., she may not be able to find renters, especially for a shorter term or the house may not sell for what you think it will so the longer you carry it, the more money you are throwing down a hole since you won't get it back at time of sale. also, none of your plans should incorporate incurring MORE debt together jointly since you are getting divorced... even short term, i can see why she is balking at that... you're no longer a couple, and are just settling property and trying to untangle your association, so any solutions need to involve lowering joint debt rather than raising it, and splitting all joing assets as soon as possible, including selling the house quickly. my suggestion would be to put the house on the market ASAP... spring is not far away and there are some serious buyers out in winter if the price is right... if your house is in good shape already, an attractive price (slightly below market) will attract more buyers than model home condition. If you put it on the market in Jan. you should have a contract no later than April and closing by end of May, if you price the house right. So then you only need to carry the $2400 mortgage 5 months... if she pays $900/mo rent on it that leaves $1500... $1500x5=$7500 shortage. Sell enough stocks or to pay the $1500 you are short each month while carrying the house, or get her parents to pick up half the difference to help her out... then you take the money from the sale, subtract the $7500 or whatever it cost to carry it until the sale, and split the proceeds of the sale down the middle... that will give you as much money or more than your scenario, and less complicated and dependent on outside factors like renters refinancing the house in your name just doesn't make sense unless you personally want to keep the house after the divorce, and you are willing to give something up to her for that privilege... the bottom line is that usually in a divorce there are assets that do get liquidated for less than you *might* get for them if you held them into the future, but the timing of the divorce requires the assets to be split in tandem with the divorce... sometimes you just have to take a minor hit for them, but you get peace of mind and a new life started, rather than continuing connections that neither one of you wants, nor it is healthy for you mentally, best to just move on, even if it costs several thousand to do so...
  18. BeStrongBeHappy
    i think he definitely should have called you to tell you what happened because it is inconsiderate of him to leave you hanging and worrying about him... maybe he thought the CAT scan as no big deal, depending on what the problem was... but it seems like you both get angry at one another easily and then try to hurt each other or ignore each other... that really isn't good... so next time rather than getting mad about waiting for him to call, call or text him rather than wait... one problem in relationships is that we kind of expect people to read our minds and know what is important to us and what isn't, and to automatically do what we think they should... nobody can read each other's mind, so it is really important to talk and come right out if something is important. so next time before he does something like go to a CAT scan, tell him, it is really important that you call me as soon as you get out because i am sitting here really worried about you and getting upset... then if AFTER you have told him what you need he still doesn't do it, then you might be justified in being mad... he may have thought that this 'call me' time was the same as any other, not realizing that you REALLY needed him to call because you were upset. also, stuff like telling him you have a crush on someone else will probably only provoke him... did you really have a crush on someone and was seriously thinking about leaving him, or were you just mad and trying to get even? that kind of stuff always backfires...
  19. BeStrongBeHappy
    hmmmm.... could be lots of things, but if she is working 11 hours a day plus commuting etc. and has a large circle of friends, then you probably have have to accept that this is her lifestyle and she only has so much time for you... she seems to be keeping up the contact with you and is not treating you rudely, just doing her job... if you haven't seen her in two weeks because YOU were out of town over the holidays, you can't blame her for that, since she obviously doesn't have much time to date during the week... plenty of women put up with men with this kind of schedule, so you have to decide what it is you really want from her... so if you really want a girlfriend who works only a 40 hour week and is available during the week, this women isn't for you... but if you really enjoy her and are willing to work with her schedule and see her on weekends, then i'd say keep contact with her and see where it goes... if you two eventually got serious and lived together, you'd see her everyday, but still not til late in the evenings... that bothers some people, and other people are fine with that... she might also change jobs and have more normal hours eventually, but if you already are losing patience with it, you may just look for someone else who is more available to you...
  20. BeStrongBeHappy
    maybe she just meant she didn't want you to talk about anything that happened in the bedroom between you two with other people, especially common friends... some people brag about sex and exactly what they did together, etc. and it can be kinda crude and she may not like that kind of talk with other people, thinks it's private... so maybe she told her friend she was dating you, but didn't mean she was talking about sex... anyway, ask her what she meant...
  21. BeStrongBeHappy
    mood swings, drinking, drugs, not enough sleep...?? i don't know though, do you want a girlfriend that's that moody, and you're not even dating? doesn't seem like much fun to me...
  22. BeStrongBeHappy
    mike... putting in $16K now for refinancing to sell in 18 months does not make sense to me... better to just put the house on the market and sell and take a little loss... the $16K for refinancing is as if you were adding another $1K to the mortgage every month... so you bring the payment down to $1900 a month by refinancing, but up it to $2900 a month by factoring in the money it costs to refinance... any house will sell anytime and quickly if the price is right... priced slightly below market value... what did the realtor say about the market value right now? realtors also have a wish list to bring a house to perfection, and you don't have to do that if you account for it in the price. it is also not all that easy to find renters who will pay that much for a room in a house... and to find 2 of them may not be that easy... so i would anticipate that those amounts would go unpaid for a lot of months while looking for a renter... and when you rent, you have to sign a lease with them, so cannot sell the house until their lease expires... my suggestion would be that you throw yourself into completing the realtors list to fix up the house for sale and target end of Feb./March to hit the spring season running... sometimes it just doesn't pay in the long run to keep sinking more money into something because of the opportunity cost... i.e., rather than putting MORE money into a house that needs to be sold anyway as part of a divorce, find a way to cut loose from that house quickly and put the money that would have gone into it into a NEW place for each of you...
  23. BeStrongBeHappy
    These are just 2 girls and the world is full of them, so i wouldn't read too much into it. I have a couple comments though... you see to start off very quickly with a ton of text messages etc. before you really know the person, and that may or may not reflect your real personality in person (i.e., texting is just 5 second bites of info one can think about first at your leisure). you might better try to establish face to face early on, but for *short* dates, i.e., coffee, going to some event where you don't have to talk for hours on end if you are not comfortable with it. work up to the longer dates etc. texting is kind of a throwaway activity, and doesn't establish a meaningful bond that one gets when meeting face to face... the other thing is you seem to be hung up on looks and mention this many times in your post... first comment about your longtime girlfriend was 'quite an attractive girl'... if you are restricting the number of girls you date on some really high standards of looks alone, you might be missing some girls that you have some really good chemistry with other than looks, and find quite attractive once you get to know them better... you certainly shouldn't date women you find unattractive, but should put less emphasis on top shelf looks as the criteria for a date, just dating lots of girls until one really meshes with you well and naturally leads to more dates and a longer connection... also, quit watching your MySpace numbers... that stuff changes from day to day and you'll just drive yourself crazy watching that... better to spend your time talking to her and hanging out with her than watching her myspace.
  24. BeStrongBeHappy
    Usually means he's thinking about something you said... i.e., looking 'inward' for a second to process things... then back at you again to connect. also could be shyness... prolonged eye contact for shy people is hard. or he could get distracted for a minute... when we're talking to someone, we have the actual conversation, then what's going through our head, so he could be listening to you and then thinking, 'gosh, her eyes are so pretty...' then he gets back on track again...
  25. BeStrongBeHappy
    Best of luck Mike... it sounds like you are moving forward toward making your life better. it is good that you are working with a counselor to help you sort through your issues, helps clear the cobwebs and discover how to best live your life. btw, unused work leave is not part of a divorce settlement... if you took the money as cash before the divorce and put it into a joint account it could be considered a joint asset, but otherwise does not factor in...
×
×
  • Create New...