BeStrongBeHappy

There are lots of chameleons out there who are all charm and no substance... they learn how to stroke people to get what they want from them, but are totally insincere and really just pretending they have feelings for you to get what they want... those feelings are only skin deep, and when they have another prospect on the hook or get bored, you will see their true selves, inconsiderate and selfish. So remind yourself when you get sad that the person you are missing is NOT who he really is, just an image he projected to get what he wanted... he put a good act on to seduce you, but he seems far more interested in the the seduction process itself than in caring about the women he gets involved with... he most like has done the same thing to many, many women, and knows what things to say/do to get his end result. So don't pine for him, recognize a wolf's in sheeps clothing, get yourself tested for STDs and treated if necessary, and learn from this... it takes time to get to know a person, and most of us have had at least one boyfriend like the one you are describing... live and learn...

There are lots of people in this world who would be perfectly happy to stay in a childlike state where their partner (or parents) continue in a parenting role and take care of them financially, with no responsibility of their own, for their entire lives. they just do not want to grow up, and will look for any excuse their partner/parents will buy to continue to subsidize their continual state of childhood. i was married to such a man, and after years of excuses for why he behaved the way he did (very similar to the way your wife behaves), i just sat up and realized i was wasting my own life 'babysitting' a grown adult, and i was not doing him any favors either because allowing this behavior in an adult just encourages them to stay stunted... my ex-husband was content, but had what psychologists call 'arrested development', just stuck being a kid, and perfectly content to try to turn his wife into being a mother because he refused to be a true partner and take care of himself or me! when a relationship becomes skewed like this because one partner wants to play the child, of course the sex goes out of the relationship... it probably feels too incestuous to the partner wanting to be a child and casting their spouse as the parent... so an adult relationship in a marriage, including sex and romance, is just counter to their agenda... so the other scenario you have to prepare for is that it is very possible she WILL continue to have affairs when the opportunity presents itself, because she is like a teenaged kid, and 'dating' is ok with someone else, just not with her daddy figure: you! so that strange dynamic is probably in play, where she is content enough with you, like a kid is living in their parent's house, but she does NOT want you as a husband (and associated financial and sexual duties), just a father figure who is willing to support her and demand no more of her than a parent would a child. so you need marriage counseling to address this, and if she won't cooperate, then you need to quit enabling her childishness and strike out and find a full, normal life for yourself... it is guaranteed that if she doesn't want to grow up and you divorce her, she will just very quickly find another man to play the role she is comfortable with, and be sponging off of him rather than you... she'll sqwauk and cry about it like a kid losing a favorite toy, but as soon as she realizes she has to take care of herself as an adult, she'll just quickly find another guy to slip into the daddy role... so don't feel too sorry for her, you will probably have more trouble adjusting to the breakup than she will... the truth is if she really cared about you, she would care about your feelings and trying to make a marriage that makes you happy too, not just herself.

lots of people go through bad marriages, and come out the other side to form happy relationships with other people. but other people use the excuse of a bad previous marriage as an 'out' clause when they want to get out of another relationship they are not happy in. when people want to break up and leave, they don't always give you the real reasons becuase they don't want to hurt you, don't want the emotional backlash, etc. it's just easier to blame a prior experience than the current one, and use that excuse as an exit strategy. all of us can find a million reasons why a relationship that keeps breaking up MIGHT be a good relationship IF x, y, or z happened. the real point is that those things you need to keep the relationship good and maintain it are NOT happening, and that is the reality. so she might be fearful about commitment, but just as likely, this is just an excuse to use in order to break up with you, when she doesn't really want a relationship with you right now. that is hard to recognize and accept, but that may be the way it is. if you want her back, then tell her CLEARLY that is what you want, and is she willing to work on it? any answer other than an enthusiastic YES to both questions, and follow through with getting back together and working on it probably means it's time for you to heal yourself so you can move into a better relationship with someone else.

better off gone! the only future there is having a lazy, self-indulgent, addicted jerk drag you down and make you feel miserable... at 37, he's not about to 'see the light' and morph into a good guy....

Well, this kind of stuff unfortunately happens when a couple has a cheat-fest... really, that usually means when both people are cheating and fighting about it, it is time to throw in the towel on the relationship and just do nothing at all to fan the flames of anger or anything else... sounds like he wants to continue the fight, and the best thing to do then is to NOT engage in any communication wtih him, even through other people, just ignore him. he should NOT be coming to your place of business and causing trouble... i would just do everything you can to avoid him. if you have a good relationship with your boss, if your ex continues to come around work and bother you, then maybe they can ask him to leave. and if he continues to bother you at home, then get a restraining order. he might calm down and leave you alone if he knows you are not responding and continuing int interact with him, but he may continue to bother you if he's abusive.

do you know any of his friends or family members? if it is atypical of him to go that long without contact, then he is either very depressed, or else has a hidden agenda he is not telling you about (i.e., is making up excuses for why he isn't calling you, when he is trying to ease out of the relationship). so i would send him one of those really direct emails, something like, hey, i haven't heard from you and i am worried about you and am going to call your friends/mother/etc. to make sure you are alright... if he still doesn't respond, you need to decide how serious it is, i.e., could he be suicidal, and should you call the local police to check on him if you don't know anyone else int he area.

How important is her friendship to you, and how would you feel if you lost it? Also, how would you feel if you did sleep with her and she expected a real relationship rather than a one night stand? i think there is a lot at stake here that might not be worth a one night stand... and if you are that good friends, then you should TALK to her about it... ask her if she would be interested in what you are offering, basically a no strings attached sexual mini-vacation with her... i think your real problem here isn't 'going for it' or trying to read her signals... because you could be reading them completely wrong... if you don't discuss it first, then there are bound to be misunderstandings about what a friends with benefits encounter means... that's what could lose you the friendship, not asking her what she was thinking/feeling...

When you feel very lonely while in a relationship with someone else, that usually means the two of your are not communicating and/or connecting much, or the relationship has grown apart to the point that it almost feels like you are ships passing in the night rather than a real couple. since you have invested 14 years, maybe you should consider couples or individual counseling, to see if you can again re-establish a connection, or decide that you are so far apart, that it is better to part than to stay together... i sense though that doing nothing about this really isn't an option for you... you need to do something, whether that is start talking with your partner and trying to communicate your disastisfaction and ways to revive your bond together, or else to start attending counseling to uncover what is at the base of your sense of boredom or disconnection.

No, i do not think you should get back with him.. he is very untrustworthy and a criminal, and who knows what worse things he is capable of lying about and doing... Just because you are sad and crying after a breakup doesn't mean you should be with that person... A lot of sadness and crying is related to grief at losing the *hope* of what you thought that person was, and what the relationship could mean to you... so you are really grieving over a lost attachment to a person who you thought he was, but he was obviously NOT... that is very normal to cry for any loss, but it doesn't mean that your grieving should override your common sense and make you take back a person who is a liar and a thief and will be guaranteed to do you much more hurt and damage in the future if you stayed with him... you cannot stay with someone who would lie and steal from you and other people... he needs experience the consequences of his own behavior, i.e., lie and steal from people, and you lose their trust and friendship... if you take him back, he may just think you are a fool and a sucker, that he can use again and again regardless of how badly he behaves. so stop all contact with him, and find friends and boyfriends you can trust, who deserve your affection more than he does.

i don't think she is baiting you either... i think she just has an opinion, that you didn't offer her the understanding and caring that she felt she needed... that could be a valid feeling, or it could be an invalid feeling, i.e., what she expects she will get from nobody... when breaking up with someone, one can debate every little thing the other person said as being wrong and continue to fan the flames of anger, or accept that it just didn't work out, and the way the two of you were meshing together was not healthy for either of you. so at this point, it is probably best to just let it rest, since you would probably just be rehashing the same things again, with both of you at opposite poles and not giving the other person what they need, which is to move on so that you both find people who love you and say GOOD things about you, rather than rehashing old injuries or incompatabilities.

i am sorry to hear you are in pain... it is always hard to be blindsided by someone like that, when you think everything is fine... there are lots of people who are basically cowards and selfish when they break up, and don't even give you the honesty you deserve... they will say/do whatever is easiest for themselves when they want out... and frequently go 'underground' for a while before the breakup with their true feelings and actions being hidden. it is very possible that he is seeing someone else (and has been for a while, or at least thinking about it)... people rarely want to sit up and say 'excuse me, even though i said i loved you before, i don't love you anymore and want to get into person X's pants now instead of yours)... so they frequently go cold, because they are selfish and angry they even have to go through the effort of breaking up with you, when they want to be off chasing those greener pastures... having said that, it should let you know that he is not even a nice enough person to stick around and at least talk thru what is going on between you so that you can get used to the idea of breaking up, or he can be honest and tell you he's a liar and cheater... that would make it easier on you, and lots of people only want it to be easier on THEMSELVES... i know it is hard to reconcile the person you thought he was with the person he has become, but if chose the path of being cold and cruel rather than trying to talk with you and work it out or give you closure, then that should make it easier for you to see that he is not the right person for you... so don't waste too much time letting him sneak off under the guise of being on 'break'... i suggest you try to move on with your life, and if you do talk to him, either tell him you think you two need to actively work on a reconciliation, or else break it off, so you can move forward and not be in a painful limbo, but get on with your life and find someone who really does love you.

This sounds like you are having panic/anxiety attacks, and then working yourself up by thinking about scary things that could happen... think about how you felt as a kid after you watched a scary movie, and i think you are probably doing the same thing to yourself as an adult, and the more you think about it, the more worked up you get... but certain chemical imbalances can cause both panic attacks and obsessive thoughts... both of these things could be caused by situational stress or a biochemical problem in your brain, so the only real solution is to schedule a doctor's appointment to get checked out before it gets worse, and the doctor can evaluate you and possibly prescribe some medication to stop this cycle, and let you calm back down again until these thoughts no longer bother you... you might need some counseling too, if you have been attacked or threatened in the past, and need to work through those fears. also, is it possible you are having a bad reaction to drugs or alcohol? sometimes that can make you paranoid and obsessive... good luck, and take an over-the-counter sleeping pill like Unisom or Sominex you can get at a drugstore until you get in to see the doctor.

No one is ever forced to drink, and you need to just go to the bar, order yourself a Pepsi or Seven-up, and go on your merry way... if someone tries to force you to drink something else, just say, no thanks, i'm fine with this... the world is full of people who don't like to drink, or can't drink for whatever reason, so you should just assert your own right to do what you want, and don't drink... i think you are more concerned with 'fitting in' than anything, and drinking or not is a personal choice that no nice person would ever push on someone else... so ignore any attempts, and don't drink at all since the consequences for you are severe. re: social contacts, maybe your friend at work talks to you there, and is using the parties to socialize with people he doesn't normally talk to, to meet new people and establish connections. so i wouldn't take it personally, he can talk to you anytime, but maybe only gets to talk to these other people at parties. use the opportunity to talk to and meet new people, and don't look at every conversation as a 'make or break' encounter... just meet as many people as you can, introduce yourself to other people standing alone, and you might be surprized and make some new friends. if someone seems friendly, just keep talking to them, and if they seem cold, just excuse yourself and move on to the next person or group.

if she is so fickle that she calls you once, and it is something important AND she doesn't leave a message, then she's not really interested in a reconciliation... just drunk dialing or hit the wrong speed dial left over on her phone or whatever. you are engaging in too much mind reading here... by that i mean, seeing her number and assuming it is about her 'reaching out' and wanting a reconciliation (potentially)... if she really wants one, she will call again, and leave a message for you to call her back. otherwise you could be making a big deal about nothing (which is why NC is good, every little things feeds the fire of false hopes)... so if she calls again and leaves a message, then yay! but if not, don't take it as if that was the only time in the whole universe she could call. it was not, and if you really mean something to her, she will try again AND leave a message if she doesn't get you.

if you find the forum useful, then change your username and she won't know it is you. or just go ahead and post if you want to, and continue your life as it is, without her in it... i don't think that seeing your posts will keep her content not to contact you... they are probably irrelevant, i.e., she is not contacting you because she doesn't want to... i think that what you are trying to say is that you hope NC will make her miss you so much that she will contact you... but that is not the purpose of NC, to manipulate someone's feeling. NC is all about YOU getting over her by NOT feeding the fire of false hope by contacting her and trying to keep false hope alive... so if you want to post, don't do it in reference to her at all... move on with your life, and do things that make you happy, and factor her out of the equation... if she wanted to call, she would...

everybody's biorhythms are different... some people are more night people, some people day people... your day/night cycle can also get out of whack due to chemical imbalances, jet lag, irregular sleep cycles etc. i do know there is a way to re-adjust your sleeping cycles, by gradually moving when you go to sleep and get up... but you should consult your doctor if you feel you sleep cycle is way off, and they can suggest ways to fix this.. either behavioral changes or medication, or a combination until your biorhythms are normalized to a day cycle... but some people really are night owls, so unless it is disrupting your work or life, i wouldnt' worry about it much.

i think the trouble in lots of relationships is that rather than communicating, we are afraid to rock the boat for fear it will capsize... by that i mean, when something upsets or worries us, we just don't ask about it, but it creates a rift. so i suggest you just ask him directly... tell him you usually go out friday nights, but was wondering why he didn't call... not in an accusatory fashion like you think he was up to something, but just to let him know you miscommucated, or he didn't communicate what he wanted from you and you had assumed he would call and didn't... he may have a simple explanation, tired, sick, other plans, whatever. but the other problem is why do you just assume you should be worried from one evening? if the relationship has been full or problems or cheating or whatever, there may not be enough trust to keep it going. or if you are overly jealous and worry all the time, maybe you need counseling to ease up a bit. no single incident warrants worrying about something... it is only when there is repeated evidence that someone might be seeing someone else that one should worry. besides, worrying never fixed anything, but open communication with him does...

people can behave this way for several reasons. the most obvious one is that she is using you as a security blanket, someone familiar to her that she can call whenever she is feeling lonely and needs a pick me up... but then she sees someone/something else that interests her, and she drops you again and off she goes, not really thinking of you until the next time she gets lonely. she also could be dating someone else she hasn't told you about, but is keeping you in the background in case that doesn't work out, then she has someone to run back to. some people can't stand to be alone for even a minute, and keep several people on tap just in case. they have a steady boyfriend, but keep another man (usually an ex) in the background just in case they break up with their current boyfriend and don't want to be lonely. she also could be very immature or unstable mentally, where she really doesn't know what she wants from one minute to the next, so changes her mind based on her mood. is her family pressuring her to marry, or for her to marry you? maybe she really does like being single and doesn't want to marry, but doesn't want to have her family bother her about it, so she lets them think she may marry you to buy herself more time to be single? in which case, she is just using you as a way to get her parents off her back about getting married while she runs around having fun being single.. it could also be that she does love you and miss you, but just isn't sure she wants to marry you, so is trying out her freedom and enjoying being single with the possibility of dating other people. so if you look at all these scenarios and possibilities, the only one that really points to her possibly wanting to be with you in the future is the last one, that she loves you but is not sure she wants to marry you til she is single a while longer to test the waters. if it is any of the other reasons, then you could have a LONG wait, and probably wait forever, and you will never reconcile because she is off running around being single and could well meet someone else and end up with them. so my suggestion is to tell her exactly how you feel, that you love her and want to be with her, but you don't want to be her security blanket, or her 'backup' guy, or her smokescreen to try to pacify her parents. i would tell her that you need to move forward with the relationship with her, or else you need to move on and find someone who really does want to be with you. then move on with your life, and if she calls you in the future and starts with the same 'i love but....' stuff, tell her that you've had the conversation before, and if she wants to reconcile with you, then say so, otherwise you are both better off finding someone who does love you enough to spend time together... i think she needs to understand that she needs to make up her mind and doesn't have a perpetual open door to run around being single and run to you whenever she is lonely, or when she is 'done' being single... that's really immature of her, and not fair to you. and you need to be fair to yourself by finding someone who does want to be with you, all the time.

A relationship involves 2 people, both of whom has opinions, perceptions, and emotions that are their own... regardless of your perception or desire to reunite with someone, her emotions etc. may be totally different from yours, i.e., she really doesn't want to see you again, and every contact is an irritation and invasion of her privacy that solidified this in her mind. so treating an attempt at reconcilation like a chess game or undercover manipulation to get the person back is the totally wrong approach. NC is for the purpose of your own healing and respecting someone else's right to be left alone if they no longer want to see/hear from you. it is NOT a manipulative strategy to bring someone back to you. that person has her own agenda, ideas, emotions, etc., and the decision to come back has to be because SHE wants it too, not just because YOU want it and have been trying to pull all kinds of strings to bring about that outcome... You can never forget that she has your phone numbers, addresses, etc., and if she felt the same way, she could certainly call you, and she chooses not to! THAT is where her head is and her answer. she's not calling, she doesn't want to reconcile. so if you want one last attempt at reconciliation, then tell her that's what you want, and to please call you if she changes her mind about the breakup... then get on with your life, and leave her alone. men sometimes approach dating like they are hunting and are trying to bring down big game, including stalking, disguising their true feelings, sneaking around behind the woman's back trying to find out what she is doing, etc. that could be one reason why the relationship failed to begin with, if manipulation, controlling behavior and emotional brute force substituted for real communication in the relationship. so TELLING her you have changed when she saw none of the good behavior while you were together is not likely to change her mind. so if you must, send her that email that says everything you want to say, about how you think you are a better person now etc., and how you want her back. but to be honest, she could just see this as a manipulation... i.e., if only a few weeks have passed since the breakup, how much can you have really changed? she may see it only as more pleading to get her back, and as soon as you're together, you're back to acting in whatever way she feels caused her to not want her to be with you to begin with. sorry, but lots of breakups stay that way, broken up, because BOTH people have to have a change of heart to get together. and it will only be if SHE wants to come back now that it happens, and pestering her won't accomplish that goal. say what you have to say once, leave the door open for her to call if she wants, but you continue on your way by doing the work to get over her, and move on with your life.

You are about to have a baby that needs all your love, attention, and support... you should NOT feel obligated or guilty about supporting a grown man who is ACTING like a baby and manipulating everyone around him to get his own way, allowing him to be as irresponsible as he chooses while everyone else pays the price... He can make all kinds of choices, and the ones he has made are usually the line of least resistance, trying to get someone else to take care of him and support him.... I suspect your mother is correct, that he will go wherever he can find a woman naive enough to support him no matter how badly he behaves... Let's just hope he moves elsewhere, better for you and the baby. And don't give in to him or take him back because he will just be a further drain on your time, money, and emotions, and you need to preserve your strength for someone who really needs you, NOT him.

I would tell her directly what you want (if that is a reconciliation), and also tell her that it is too hard to maintain contact if you are going to be in limbo... and that she should call you IF she really wants to try again, otherwise you need a period of no contact to get over the loss of the relationship... i think the 12 hour distance could also be a factor... even very good relationships have trouble when the people are both really busy and at a great distance, so she may not want the relationship enough to work on it, and to be in a LDR. so you are better off trying to date some locally, and put the friendship on the back burner if it is just keeping you from healing... sometimes people want to hold onto you as a security blanket until they find someone else, and there's nothing in that for you but hurt...

could he be ditching you for a girl 'friend' rather than a guy? by that i mean, he showers and primps before he goes out, most guys don't do that for other guys...

please don't try to convince yourself there was no physical cheating... he seems very adept at trying to convince you he did nothing wrong by using an excuses and what appear to be untruths... lots of people in relationships believe everything they are told by their partner because they WANT to believe he won't lie, cheat, etc. so don't discount all the things he has been DOING because of what he has been SAYING. what he has been doing is a better measure of the truth that what he has been saying. and what he has been doing is hooking up with other women and giving you lame excuses if you catch him at it.

what was the point of telling your ex you were getting your stuff then you didn't go or even call him?? i suspect now, if you call him again to get your stuff, he will tell you he's thrown it away... if you are involved with someone else when you were just totally pining for someone else a couple weeks ago, i would say you are very confused, and you need to get counseling... please don't jerk these two guys around, and spend your time wondering whether your ex wants you are not... remember, YOU'RE the one who called him, then you stood him up when you were supposed to get your stuff... maybe all he wanted was to get your stuff out of his house, and if he wasn't angry before, he probably is now. it really isn't good advice to get involved with someone else so quickly... i think you need to take some time out for yourself and find a way to feel whole without any men in your life at all... then you are more likely to choose one wisely, rather than just ping-ponging between guys because you don't want to be alone.

you really do have to take people at their word... first, you had a date, and he didn't even bother to call or text that he couldn't make it... in today's cell phone world, that is really inconsiderate at best, and at worst, maybe he hooked up with someone more interesting to him (or an easier mark) so he was on an date and hence couldn't call you. second, his myspace says he wants 'random play...' that's just means he wants sex with no strings attached, randomly, probably with lots of girls... so if you are a virgin and having sex means something more to you than just 'random play', then i think this guy is a really bad choice for you to date, and probably has about a 95% chance of breaking your heart because he is not reliable, and not interested in a realtionship.