nicolasa

What a beeyotch (sp? biotch?) Now you know why you broke up with her! Uh, you did break up with her, right?? Xmas can be very disheartening when one feels alone......

So, I just read a blog that said an indicator that someone would be a problem in relationships is whether they have a friendship they've maintained at least 2 years. Well, I have maintained long friendships but here in the present I have zero close friends. I have very good relationships with my children and students (I teach) but, after elevating my social/professional status, I left friends behind that weren't supporting me and, in some cases, were really draining me. Here recently I've ended my long term relationship of 14 years with the father of my kids. It was not a good relationship 95% of the time for reasons too numerous to list. Maybe I don't put enough effort into making friends, but I am burned out on trying with people who just don't give much in return or who don't treat me how I'd like to be treated. Some of the people I work with are nice enough, but most I've reached out to for friendship have ended up being really disappointing. For instance, In my first year at our school, I asked a fellow teacher I thought was kinduv cool if she wanted to run a marathon with me and raise money for leukemia. "YES!" she said. But she flaked and I was left to raise all the money myself and pay for her half of the hotel room because she waited until the last minute to officially quit. The way she handled the whole thing was really crappy, too--I mean the way she treated me--and she never apologized. Another teacher I'd originally thought would be cool, became inexplicably hostile toward me and now goes out of her way to snub me whenever she gets the chance. If I ignore her, she says "hi" but if I greet her, she outright ignores me. Another teacher snubs me in front of others, then calls me from her cell phone on the way home from her car. Plus, I always catch her staring at my body like she's sizing me up or something. I'm pretty straightforward, friendly and positive, so these behaviors leave me feeling sad and bewildered. You know, I just want some girlfriends to talk to that are easygoing and genuine--instead of weird, petty and jealous. I used to make friends more readily, but my life has changed alot and I'm just not connecting with people. Plus my family relationships have always been tenuous, if not unhealthy and avoided. Especially with the vacuum left from this ended romance and the fact that I have two boys who rely on me to be emotionally healthy, I feel I need to cultivate friendships--but I don't want to put heart in it for no return, or to be left feeling bruised and rejected. Anyone feel similarly?

Hi Hazey Amber Although I regret him, I don't regret my sons, so that's a difficult question. I think the phermones (sp?) were strong between us--primal biological instincts, etc... I can't say I COULD have done anything differently given my emotional make-up at the time. I grew up feeling that others did not want to be there for me. To an extent, I still feel that. I think that is a bit different than feeling I don't [ideserve[/i] people to care for me. This has been the most difficult issue in my life for as long as I can remember. On the one hand, I am good at batting the bull * * * * with people--socializing superficially--but on the other, I am very reserved and sensitive. I don't seem to make friends very easily. My sons and my students, however, buzz around me like I'm honey and they're, bees. Kids are a good investment. The man in question, we'll call him X, has been able to manipulate me because he knows my background and my weaknesses. Plus I tend toward trying to see the best in people and he takes advantage of that, too. Problem is I just can't muster up any belief in him anymore. Looks like his rough spot's gonna last a lifetime. I think I'm ready to do my something different now. If you want, you can tell me more about your situation--and thanks for listening.

Hi, it was good to get your second reply. I saw him tonight and told him I wanted some space. He usually becomes very humble and self-effacing when I push him away--playing the feel-soory-for-me card and claiming that he really feels very insecure and his arrogance is an over-compensation for that, etc... Usually I soften towards him, but tonight I told him that when he condescends to me and acts bothered when I talk to him that he doesn't seem to be feeling so bad about himself. He is very insecure, but so? Anyway CAD, you have been kind and perceptive. Thank you. Have an excellent holiday with your loved ones...

I admire you because I have been in a relationship that I know is not right for me with a person I have loved for 14 years. I have children with him, so that makes it hard too. I want to root for you and tell you to remember why you're not with your ex and let time heal the rest. Go forward.

I know this might be hard for you to digest, but he's playing power games with you. He's yanking your string to see how much sway he holds over you. Trust me. If tomorrow you suddenly didn't care and you blew him off, he'd be groveling at your feet. Does that help with the confusion?

He sounds like an immature bonehead. He should not have married you if he didn't love you. Maybe he doesn't know what love is. Even if he didn't love you, did he have any regard for you? If so, he shouldn't have cheated, but should have been straight with you. Your feelings seem healthy--he doesn't sound trustworthy.

Of course not being heard bothers you! First of all, you are very articulate for a 13 year old girl! I am an art teacher at a middle school, so I know! Do you write alot? I was a loner when I was your age, too. And smarter than most (ha!) Might I suggest that you work on your appearance first. Finding an attractive look you feel comfortable with. This will help you feel better about yourself--more confident. Then, missy, make yourself heard!!!!! Don't allow yourself to be ignored! This says to others that you value yourself and they will listen. They'd better or I'll come down there and beat 'em all up for you! Keep your head up and have a good week, dear.

When you go somewhere, ask for the money up front, or say you won't go. Tell him you think he's great in most ways but the money thing is causing you to resent him and that you feel used. Tell him that his paying up front will help you not to feel these things. If he does not respond appropriately by complying with your request, you can safely assume he is using you and doesn't really care how you feel. I know it's hard, but if he doesn't value you, you should not give him the pleasure of your company.

Hi. I'm sorry you are feeling down. It sounds like you get sucked into emotional quicksand. Have you ever looked into anti-depressants? Sometimes they can relieve your emotional distress enough that you can see your way more clearly. I wish you the best.

Cynical Guitarist, I am sorry you're feeling so down. Have you considered working at a music store or teaching guitar to kids? Also, put your despair and angst into your music. Write your own songs. Develop and refine them for yourself right now. Oh, and stand up to the pushy guy who's horning in on your game. You can do it!

Hi BeStrongBeHappy, I have been thinking seriouosly about counseling for myself. I appreciate your kind advice and your sense that I need to resolve this is correct. I think I have issues of my own that make it hard for me to let go of unsatisfying relationships. He and I would probably be better off friends. Have a good week.

Thanks for responding. I am 41 and fairly accomplished, having 2 bachelor's degrees--one in Fine Arts and one in Social Studies, a Master's degree in Education Administration and a Administrative Credential, should I care to be a principal in the future. I also have many personal interests, including traveling abroad with my students and my sons. We recently spent 12 days in Italy--I actually stood in front of Bernini's Ecstasy of St. Teresa, a long held dream of mine. However, I do feel a bit trapped and stiffled here in suburbia... It is not for lack of personal development that I am unhappy with him. He has personal problems that he has yet to deal with and cannot hold a job because he is arrogant and will not pay his dues--and yet, he does not treat me as his equal. He wants to dominate, yet he is not, in my eyes, fulfilling his obligation as a man--"head of the household," if you will. Plus, I'm not one to be dominated. When we met, we had a physical attraction that, well, took us both by surprise. I thought I loved him--but looking back, It was more of an idealization. Because I always felt he looked down on me as less intelligent or socially/culturally sophisticated as he was, I strived to develop myself--I was also motivated to provide for my sons. In the process, my feelings changed because I began to see him as he really was and to see myself in a more accurate light. Although I keep my mouth shut much of the time and focus on my children and my own pursuits, I am irritated with practicaly everything about him. He does not work. He lives between this house and his mother's and takes $2K a month from a rich female relative. When she says "jump!" he says "how high?" Now, counter that with the fact that between the 2 of us, we are always there for our children, both of whom are uber-achievers at school and fairly well-adjusted. He signs them up and takes them to soccer practice, cooks alot, does laundry and does things like take the boys and the dogs to the 'dog park' on Sundays. Sex is okay, but I could live without it. He has let himself go and I'm just not attracted--which doesn't mean that after 14 years he doesn't know what I like. Physical is okay, while emotional/mental is not. I feel so fragmented in this relationship. I don't know if you have kids or were torn apart by your parents divorce like I was, but these are factors for me. Anyway, there's the 'more details' you seemed to be asking for. Take Care and thanks again for your response.

I am not married to the father of my children, yet we are still involved after 14 years. Despite what used to be a strong physical attraction between us, and the sense that we would be parents together, I have felt he was not the best thing for me from the start. The problem is I have not had more than maybe 2 or 3 quality relationships in my life--my family was very disfunctional. I have struggled up out of that all my life. My children--my love for them and theirs for me has countered my previous fear/conviction that I am not lovable. I am now a teacher and my students also show me that they value me. I fear I will never break out of this unsatisfying relationship. I know we watch movies that show great relationships with our "soul mates" but my past experience has shown me that the odds of my finding a kindred soul are like those of playing the lottery--and I know that many people live in less than ideal circumstances so that I hardly feel I have the right to be so unhappy. I'm feeling very down. Very lonely. I just feel there is no one to turn to and I have been feeling that way for a long time.