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About Me

  1. So back in the middle of October I took a trip with my Boyfriend. I ended up wetting the bed, I was also bloated, stomach cramping and gaining weight fast. I saw the Urologist when I got back who blew me off. So I got a second opinion. The second urologist did imaging and saw I had a large mass in my bladder. She just went off the Ct Scan, she didn’t order any further imaging. I had a Cystoscope in November and she saw my bladder looks really good and healthy took a sample to biopsy. The only odd thing was she told me I had a large protrusion inside the bladder. But she said to follow up with obgyn. In January I end up in ER with horrible stomach cramping feeling like I’m dying. They order another CT scan which I’m not happy about. This one shows the mass more on the pelvic side then bladder side. I see her again, she says I must have tissue from the bladder protruding into the pelvic region and orders a ct guided biopsy. I go see my Gynecologist and he says not to do the biopsy. He sends me too Urogynecologist. I just saw her today and now I’m even more confused. She is sending me to an Oncologist Gynecologist who I got in STAT to see next Thursday. She’s top in her field and books always off in advance so to get in this quick is rare. The Urogynecologist went over all my procedure notes from what the Urologist did and found then through the Ct imaging. She told me I need to have different kinds of imaging. What’s being seen is this weird annexal structure with moderate amounts of blood flow that is in the right pelvic area. She told me it must have confused the urologist thinking it was in the bladder. Because it’s large and the ct scan was unclear. She told me it’s a right ovarian mass that’s probably been there since the Urologist went looking in the wrong area. So basically I’ve had this thing since the Cystoscope back in November and even farther back. It’s just unfortunately the Urologist accidentally over looked it. So my head is spinning because this confused me even more. She said that’s why the Oncologist Gynecologist will order an ultrasound and MRI to get better imaging on this thing. Unfortunately it’s not something she does in her field. I feel like an alien, what the heck is this thing on my Right Ovary that’s confusing every doctor? I’m bloated, I have back pain, it feels like I have endometriosis back. I asked, it’s not Endometriosis. I guess it doesn’t fit the look on the ct images for it to be endometriosis. I’m still leaking to where I’ve worn depends since October. I’m getting frustrated! I’m having a hard time losing weight because I’m so bloated. So I’ve just maintained. I’m on WW. Each different doctor has a different theory of what their looking at. They all do however agree on one thing, and it scares me! They think this may be a malignant growth of some sort based on its characteristics. Also the fact Ovarian and Breast Cancer run rapid in my family history. I’m 38, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink nor do I do drugs. I’m healthy in that regard. I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to endometriosis. The doctor took out everything but my right ovary for estrogen purposes. Lucky me! 😂 I see the oncologist gynecologist and I hope she has a better idea of the next steps forward. Sorry I wrote a novel. It’s been hard going through the run around. I needed to vent.
  2. My partner (we are a lesbian couple) is 5'7" and 170lbs, used to be an athletic US Marine. She is very self-conscious about her weight gain the past couple years. I tell her I do not care what the scale says, and I am being genuine. I love her just the way she is and just want her to be happy. She frequently talks about wanting to go on a diet and exercise plan, but implies in order for her to go through with it, I have to do it with her. Issue is, I am 5'3" and 108 lbs and don't have much weight to lose. My metabolism is just higher than hers. I have no issue picking up my exercise game because I have been meaning to do that for awhile anyway, but I feel like it is a little unfair to feel pressured into going on a diet with her that I don't necessarily need/might not be good for an already borderline underweight person. But I also want to be as supportive as possible. What should I do? Am I being selfish?
  3. Since my last relationship. I'm starting to miss having someone, but other then that I still am working on myself. But truly that's a lifelong project. I'm working on losing weight, I'm stable emotionally, my job is stable, may be moving. So working on paperwork for that. If I move I'll have the project of furnishing my appartment. Have a few things but not everything. Case Manager has a way to help with some of that. Though meeting someone isn't a priority it's something I'm starting to think about.
  4. I don’t really like talking about my feelings with people because I feel like often times people ‘I think’ I can trust are dismissive of what I’m feeling. That’s why this post is mainly just to vent what I’ve been feeling since the beginning of this year. I don’t even know where to start but I feel like I’ve slowly become numb and I don’t think it’s normal that I haven’t cried about my problems when I remember myself being an emotional and sensitive person years ago... I’d cry over something so small or anything that would just tug gently at my heart strings and now it takes a lot more than a tragedy to make me cry... Anyways, last year I was talking to a guy whom I had attended high school with (through social media) We had a great time talking - or at least that’s what I thought. He was the one who seemed like wanted a relationship with me (more than I did) and would call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ after only talking for about a month. We went on two dates and after that he just completely ghosted me. I was okay with that, I mean I was obviously hurt but it was fairly easy for me to move on because we weren’t really dating. However, I thought it was because of my appearance. I thought that he just didn’t like me because I was ‘big’. So after that I decided to lose weight. Flash forward to March 2019, I began my weight loss journey and from March to now I’ve managed to lose 25lbs. I want to be as honest as possible so most of that weight loss was because I’d starve myself or throw up my food. I KNOW that’s bad but I was THAT desperate. I know now that, that wasn’t the way I should’ve done things and I’ve corrected my mistakes since then.I’ve always been so insecure with the way I look. I’ve always felt ugly. I’ve always felt fat and I don’t want to put the blame on anyone but I feel like I’ve never felt good enough because the attention was never really on me and always on my siblings who were prettier and skinnier. I love my siblings and I don’t want to blame them but that’s just how I feel. I know it’s an evil thing to say and I feel disgusting for having this mentality but when you have people constantly trying to talk or get close to you (getting your hopes up) only because they want to get closer to your siblings - it just really makes you feel so worthless. Over the months I’ve had guys want to talk to me or hang out with me but I just can’t bring myself to reply or keep a conversation going with these guys... It’s really not because I feel like I’m better than them or because I feel like I can do better... I don’t know what it is. And I feel like it’s reflected on my relationships with friends too. I have very little friends and the very little friends I do have are lifelong friends. I’m 23 but these are people I’ve kept in my life for 7+ years. But I have this one male friend who I know really likes me. I don’t feel that way about him and he knows that. The thing is that I WANT to talk to him because he’s an amazing friend and he’s always been there for me but I can’t talk to him and give him false hope. I don’t want him to think ‘She’s being nice! It’s because she likes me too’ I don’t want that. It’s hard to softly ignore him because 1) I don’t want to and 2) I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve thought long and hard about it and I don’t like him romantically but I can’t help shake off that I enjoy talking to him because he’s the only person I want to talk to. It’s left me wondering if I’m just a shallow person who doesn’t like him because of his looks but it can’t be that because I think he’s very attractive but that’s not enough for me. Our relationship is quite complicated because I KNOW him and the way he is. I’ve liked him and he hasn’t liked me back, then he’s liked me and I haven’t liked him back. We’ve had that cycle go on for the 12 years I’ve known him. I also know that he tends to have crushes on different girls every other week. I can’t take his confessions seriously when he’s displayed behavior like that in the long time I’ve known him. Could it really be that I don’t want him as a boyfriend because I don’t think he’s boyfriend material? I don’t know what to do... All my life I’ve always been in relationships with the same type of men. The first person I ever fell in love with cheated on me with a family member and also broke up with me after he slept with me. That was so painful for me. I lost my virginity to someone who I thought loved me too but left me feeling stupid after getting what he wanted. I was only 16. The second person I loved strung me along for years, always promising me a relationship - but then always going back to an ex. When we finally were in a relationship everything seemed good but towards the end I found out he was a liar. He hid so many things from me and then got mad at me for breaking up with him. He has so many problems, he would go weeks without talking to me and it was just a lot to handle while being a senior in high school trying to graduate. The third person I loved was a sweet talker but he was manipulative and narcissistic. He always made me feel like it was me and that I wasn’t putting in effort to make things work. It was always him first and it was always what he wanted. Given my relationship history I feel like I have a type I’m attracted to, even without realizing it until I’m actually in a relationship with that person. I just don’t know what to do really... I don’t think I’m depressed but at times I feel so sad and so lonely. I constantly ignore the only people trying to reach out to me and I don’t know why I let this self destructive behavior continue. The only person I WANT to talk to is the only person I can’t talk to. I feel like my head might just explode because of how constantly I think about all of this. I know this post is all over the place but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of what I’ve just wrote. Thank you for hearing me out. I truly appreciate you, whoever you are.
  5. So I recently moved to a new place and want to lose some right badly. They have a gym, a tennis court, badminton court, yoga, swimming, tennis, squash. Also a running track. The problem is the classes for any of these cost quite a bit. I'm not great at any of them but know how to play. I also currently don't have any friends here yet. What can I do that will help me lose weight ?!
  6. Hey guys, ever since this new Italian deli/market opened in the building where I work, I think I must have gained at least five pounds, maybe more, I don't have a scale. I don't actually mind the extra weight (was probably too thin prior) and love the way my jeans fit now, BUT I was invited to an event next Saturday night and my favorite dress that I wish to wear does not fit!! It's too tight, and some other clothes that I LOVE are too tight too. The only thing I like being tight are my jeans. Which I used to shrink in drier before wearing, now I dont have to. So any ideas on how to lose 5+ pounds in ONE week? Without starving myself or making myself sick? I thought about the cabbage soup thing and actually made the soup this morning and hate the taste. So forget that. Please don't suggest I buy a new dress, or new clothes, it's a mental thing too, losing the extra 5. And if I dont get a handle on it now, it could snowball to gaining more, especially with that new deli downstairs. They make the best lasagna! And Italian sub sandwiches! I tried looking on line for quick weight loss diet, and course they want $$ before sending the info, ugh! Any ideas, thanks in advance guys!
  7. Growing up I was always the skinny one. Now that I started to lift I have gain 12lbs of muscles and fill out a little bit. However, for some reason I'm not gaining anymore weight. It's been like this for two weeks. I even took a week OFF of physical activity in the case that I was over training but I started to lose weight. This totally knocked out my motivation for lifting. How can I gain more muscles?
  8. I joined this community since I have seen many members that provides information about health supplements. I do take enormous health supplements and now that I wanted to reduce my weight I searched for products that are all natural ingredients and the one of the top of my list is this Liptoprin Rx weight loss health supplement. But there is one ingredient that I wanted to avoid and that is ephedra. Is there anyone here who have actually used this product and give me some insights on the ingredients and what was the effect in your metabolism upon taking it? It will be highly appreciated for those who can help me about this product. Thank you very much.
  9. It's been 7 months since I broke up with my ex. I've been carrying on for those 7 months very well. The first month was hard but it got easier. We were together for 6 months, I ended it because I knew I couldn't be with her the rest of my life. I still think about some of the times we have together, but rarely. Things still remind me of her... songs, things I see, etc. I think about her maybe 1 time a day, sometimes twice... sometimes none. After I go through things like this I tend to feel the need to improve myself... a lot. I made a plan, I'd lose some weight, and work on improving myself. I keep myself motivated to lose weight by planning on going to this event I know she'll be at in June. I continue to use this event in my mind to try and make myself "better". I daydream about this upcoming day multiple times a week. I haven't had the oppurtunity of meeting anyone new yet. I know if I do I'll completely stop thinking about my ex. I just keep working on bettering myself so that one day I can... rub it in her face? I know it's mean, but it's like I want to say to her "Look what you could have had." Stupid question... Am I over her? Am I just psychologically replacing her with something else in my mind? Anybody have any ideas why I'm doing this? I think I have low self esteem, I really do. I shouldn't be doing this, but I look forward to rubbing it in her face so much. If I'm not doing something to improve myself I feel depressed. I'm 17, a senior in highschool. I'm not using my normal screenname because I'm ashamed of everything I'm feeling and asking.
  10. Anyone else continually say this statement? Because, unfortunately, I do. It feels like I'm constantly waiting for something to happen, instead of making it happen myself. Or I'll make things happen... like for example, if I wanted to lose weight, I'd buy a bike so that I could start exercising, but in the back of my mind I'd say, "...as soon as I lose 5 lbs, I will (fill in the blank)". But as much as I do those things, there's always something else that comes up and so then it's "as soon as I get through this...I'll start my life..." But until then, I feel like I'm in a waiting game...like waiting for great fortune to just fall in my lap and change my life.... Can anyone else relate?
  11. My grandma keeps saying i've put on more and more weight. Last time i checked i'd lost some but i guess i've put it all back on. She keeps saying it over and over again. Telling mum i should cut down on my intake. She said that i shouldn't eat anything else cuz i'd had enough today and that really i'd eaten to much. I feel so horrible right now. But whats worse is that if i suggest a diet she says no i'm obsessing with my weight to much. Its like she wants me to stay like this so she can continually pick on me. I feel so huge right now and i was wondering if theres a way to lose weight quickly. So that i can feel good about me and not have my nan on my case.
  12. I'm in the relationship of my life, but i'm fantasizing about this other woman. I'm fantasizing about this woman who looks and acts exactly like my love, but.... this woman i fantasize about is comfortable with her body! I'm sick of my compliments getting disregarded, i'm sick of hearing "i'm so fat". my last two compliments were seriously "you've lost weight" and "you meet or exceed the minimum requirements to date me" because I am so fed up with that patronizing glare when I try to tell this woman how beautiful she is. Deep down inside she says she knows she's "average", but there are still so many insecurities.... so many inhibitions.... Looking back, i've never dated a girl who was happy with the way she looked (ugh, maybe that says something about me....) Just tell me they exist, tell me that women grow out of this? maybe i can help her? do they make an injectable self esteem?
  13. Ok Whats a healthy way to lose weight? I know it is to eat heathly, exercise and etc But when i exercise like with my arm to lose the weight of them i seam to gain more muscles there which causes my brother to call them 'helga arms'. So has anyone got any good ideas?
  14. Hey Guys!!! I was just watching this episode of dateline and.....well, it was about this rape that occurred. I just want to say THANK YOU GUYS SO VERY MUCH!!! I've just thought of the things I've been through and there has always been someone from this community to love and support me. And it means the world. Rape is always complicated, never clear or easy, and always hard to discuss. Whenever I've needed to vent, or cry, or scream, or comtimplated a new way of thinking, enotalone has been here for me. I mean, this is the best resource ever! Thank you guys! You've affected my life in only the most wonderful ways! @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Okay, now I guess I'll talk about my feelings, LOL! Anywho, first of all, thinking about rape makes my head hurt. I can talk about the crazy emotions I have as a result of it........ But it's complicated. And sometimes the whole 'rape thing' gets old even for me. It's so exhausting. I don't know, it feels like the side-effects (aftermath) of rape is so long and drawn out. I just want to be happy, ya know. Why is happiness so hard to come by these days? I want things to be simple. I mean, I just want to lose weight. Why does everything tie into something else? I just want to be okay. It's like no matter what, I don't do what is necessary to lose weight! It's ridiculously crazy!!! I always thought that if you could acknowledge something you could change it. I've acknowledged that I have a phobia of being thin (check). I can acknowledge that I have no real incentive to lose weight (check). And last but not least I've acknowledge that I just simply need to lose weight (check). I want to like myself again. I want to stop being suicidal. I want so many things right? Part of me doesn't want to feel. I wish there was a magic pill that could make me feel all better. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ Anywho, this lady went to the police after her rapist sent her an apology letter after the fact. I believe she did the right thing. I don't think I'll ever be in that situation, because I already reported it. I feel like I've left the punishment part in the hands of the law. I wouldn't want to go to court. I think that it would be too much to go to court. Personally I don't want to see him, or Ariel again. I don't know. I don't think I have that much of a problem with the rapist and his accomplice anymore (or maybe I'm in denial), I just have a problem with all of the emotions. I'm tired of being sad about it. I'm tired of being angry with myself. And I'm so angry with myself.....because I couldn't protect me. That's hurts more than anything.......more than being betrayed and set-up by a close friend, more than being raped............I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me. That I couldn't foresee or stop it. I can't seem to move past that. I mean........okay, maybe I should just admit that they were smarter than me. They were much smarter. They set me up, and I didn't have a clue. Maybe it's a fun game they like to play. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. Who know, they are childhood friends, they could have been doing it for years. But when did she decide to do it? I mean, she knows other people. Was it because I was close to her? Was it because I was just too easy a target? I mean, who would care if the side-effects weren't so horrible? I mean.........I don't know. When he raped me, it really really hurt. And then everything else. I mean it makes me head swim. There is absolutely no way I will ever be able to digest this, too much cruelty at once. And that's all that I walk away with. I walk away knowing that the world is full of cruelty and I can't understand it. @ -)----(------ ------- -------)----(- @ I'm confused. I'm soooooo confused. Okay, how can I live life when I am no longer blind to the fact that in an instant my life can be completely destroyed and I can do nothing about it. Then, I know God loves me, and I know man has free will (okay this is just a piece I'm trying to fit into everything else, I'm trying to find out where this belongs). Then I realize I was raped, I realize I was betrayed and set up by a friend. That is so clear right? Why do I feel confused about that. I can put all of the pieces together of before, during, and after the rape (aside from moments when I blacked out). Okay, that's okay in my mind. I guess that hardest thing is all of these disorders. I mean maybe the chronic post traumatic stress disorder is making things hard. Or the anxiety disorder, or the depression. I feel like I don't have my brain. I feel like things aren't in order. I have these crazy emotions and then a bunch of thoughts just floating around in my head. I guess I just want to connect the thoughts and the emotions. I just want to cry because I feel like, after the rape, my brain fell apart. And it seemed to get worse as time progressed. How long does post traumatic stress disorder last? I should look that up on the internet. I stopped taking my depression medication so that I could lose weight. My parents are glad, they've never liked me being on medicine. My mom believes that me not being on medicine shows my strength. I don't feel very strong so that made me feel better. Without the medicine, I feel. I feel more human. But with the medicine, my brain works better, I function much better. I'm not sure what to do. Why I am so sad? When does rape ever just go away?
  15. I have made so many friends lately(good),I've lost weight(good),and lately i have been spiritually uplifted!(really good)all changes for the better,but I still feel like crap(emotionally) I feel like I'm missing half of me. I don't feel loved by anyone(I know jesus loves me,because the bible tells me so,but why don't I feel that love)(other than family,and I don't feel that loved by them either)no one to experience the good,the bad ,and the ugly. The first thing that comes to mind is my age,well quite frankly I do care! I don't feel loved.I'm a hollow being that can't find his way. How can i feel more loved and accepted by others more?
  16. the story I thought I was a stronger person. My bf of a year and half broke things off 9 days ago. I barely eat(lost 7 pounds already) and I don't sleep well. I cry at the drop of a hat. I try to keep myself busy, but I have no motivative for anything. I feel like I'm slipping into a deep depression. I really have no answers as to why he just walked away from everything we had. This haunts me. I haven't contacted him recently, because I'm afraid of being rejected and I want to be strong. Some words of encouragement would be appreciated...
  17. I'm 17 years old, 6ft2 and weigh about 180 pounds. I am not really very muscly and want to lose weight primarily. Since last Friday I have started to do swimming every day (and will carry on for the rest of the year). I do 40 laps of breaststroke which takes about an hour, which adds up to about 2000 metres. I also cycle to the swimming place which is one mile, two miles there and back (that's every day too). I usually eat about 500 cals a day, sometimes up to a 1000 but rarely though. I don't eat fast food at all. I have two tins of tomato soup a day, not very nutritious but it's really low in fat (1.5g per tin) and I also have some bread with it too (plain, no butter). I have no trouble keeping to this diet, been using it for months but since I don't excercise and ate a lot over the summer I have put on some weight (was a lot thinner last year). Also drink a lot of water. Will I start to lose weight this way? I feel fine and would just like some advice about whether I am just going to put on weight, remain the same weight or lose weight. thanks -tom
  18. I am 5'2" and 180 lbs. I'm going to try to lose weight. I don't really know how much weight I need to lose for my height, but personally I think my healthy weight would be at 100 lbs. If this is the case, I would need to lose 80 lbs, which I've heard would cause loose skin because of the substantial amount of weight that it is. Does anyone know what's the best thing I can do to prevent or at least reduce the chances of getting loose skin? I have struggled with my weight for years, and it has actually made me a very depressesed, anti-social person. Everyday I cry because of what I've done to myself. I would like to think that I'd be happier once I reach my goal weight, but knowing that I could get loose skin would just make me feel worse about myself, since right now I am already dealing with having stretch marks practically all over my body, as well as other incurable skin conditions I have due to my obesity. I'd be grateful for any advice.
  19. ...from where I want to lose it. Since my ex left me, i've lost damn close to 40 lbs (on any given scale it could be 35-40) I've been told I look like a different person, but I'm not losing the weight from my belly...the one place i want to lose weight from. so, any tips on how to acomplish this? i truly feel its holding me back, not only to women, but myself...i'm kinda embarrassed with it.
  20. Hi You meet a girl and start seeing each other. Everything is great and you are head over heels for each other. You meet the family, hang out with her, go to her family functions, stay at her place. Things are swell and it looks like it's going in a good direction. You don't rush into it but take it slow. you both agree it's going great and at a nice pace. She decides to head back to school and tells me can't promise anything. She tells me im rushing her into something she can't give (relationship) which i never mentioned. She says that she does not want to be friends, totally cuts me off, blocks my cell number, blocks me on messenger. I'm totally confused and hurt. 2 months down the road i'm still hurt and i miss her but i know that i'm nothing to her, just a distant memory. So in short i'm very hurt, i lost weight, i could not eat, my family was worried as i went into a state of depression. So in short even though it seems like it is going well, know that it can always turn on you in a dime
  21. Recently i was just talking with one of my friends. Now, she has been a little bit over weight for the past two years. Its not like she needs to lose a lot of weight..but she just needed to slim down to her old size. Any way, i was talking with her today about her weight loss. she has lost about 15 lbs..and she admitted to me that she has been taking laxitives every day. i told her that its not good for her and is dangerous..but she says she can stop anytime she wants and then start eating like she used to. Is that true? Can she stop? Can she get back to her normal eating habits without being sick? Advice please. Sarah*
  22. At the moment I am 5"1 and almost 10 stone, I feel so down and I really need to lose weight. I try exercising but as I have a lot of course work to do at the moment I feel it hard to fit in, anyway does anyone have any success stories of losing just a bit of weight. I want to lose about a stone idealy. Thanks in advance.
  23. I was just wondering... I know guys like girls who are skinny, but how thin? I guess I'm just wondering. I'm contemplating losing weight. I am a bit curvy but fit (I am really active), but its really easy for me to lose weight when i get lazy and gain a couple of pounds... so if I wanted to lose 10-15 lbs it wouldn't be too bad I don't think. I have a perfect waist/hip ratio (its like .7 or .67 or something... yes I measured b/c I'm crazy). But I still feel kinda big. I'm 5'6" and about 135-140 depending on the day and I'd like to get down to 125ish. But I can see my hip bones, and I have really beautiful breasts so I'm not sure if its good to lose more weight. Is my weight ok or do guys like thinner girls? I know it depends on the guy, but in general would losing more weight attract them more or am I ok? I'm moving to a new city and meeting lots of new ppl soon so I want to look good. I don't want to buy new clothes, but losing 10 lbs isn't too big a deal (I lost 40 lbs in the past).
  24. i dont have a hard time loosing weight but keeping it off i guess i never transition from loss to maintain state i lost 80 lbs and gained back 60 - lost 40 gained 10 - lost 20 - gained back 50! i dont know what to do but this has been over the past 2 years. overall i went from a high of 186 to a low of 122 to now at 158 i think about this all day and its a source of a majority of my pain/bad feelings i dont think i have had a slice of cake or ice cream without jealousy since i was 12 there is never a time i am not embarking or ending a diet - but after the loss gain cycles it sucks up your motivation and sometimes i just let myself go for 2 weeks and binge and then freak out when a event is coming and work it off i want to maintain a healthy weight of 140 for a LONG time i just dont feel motivated anymore. also i am all out of diets and fed up of doing it right and yo yoing on the "doing it the right way" programme. i guess i need motivation more than anything since i already know i am capable of loosing weight the right way! does anyone know of good diet progress sites or forums that they belong to or can recommend.
  25. I tried everything and nothing seems to work. I exercise almost 2 hours a day for 1 month and I dont see any results. I want to ask out this girl, but I want to lose some weight first. Can anyone give me some tips or plans to lose about 30 pounds in at least 2 months. I don't want to try any pills to lose weigth cause im only 14, but nothing else I tried works (pilates, bycicle, lifting weights, walking....) Anything that can help me lose weight.
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