greenbomb

Thank you so much for your reply. It is very helpful for me.

I recently made a post about my situation. It seems that I'm facing an imminent divorce that I initiated. I was willing to at least try counseling and try to work it out. Anyway... I left my husband and came up to be with my family for the holidays. I just need to be alone for now. We briefly discussed me going alone. So I was under the impression that he knew... We haven't been talking and he's been sleeping on the couch. Why would he want to come hang out with my family at this time anyway?? This morning I tried telling him bye, and attempted to give him a hug, and he told me to leave him alone, so I just left. A few hours into my drive he calls me to say that it was messed up for me to leave him alone during the holidays (even though he can go see his family). He also told me to call him before I come home, because he doesn't want to see me and he wants me to remove my stuff from our apartment. Then he accuses me of cheating on him. I did not ever cheat on him, and I never would. I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible, but he's being so immature. It's really hurting me. I care so much about how he's feeling, and I can't help it. I just want him to be okay, and if he thinks I cheated on him... that must be very painful. I wish I didn't care so much.

I could stay with family and/or friends until I was able to support myself. I feel bad, because I still love him, and because he's not that way all of the time. Maybe I'm just justifying his actions, but... yeah. I guess I'm just scared to give up on something, even though I logically recognize that we aren't healthy together.

I've lived with my husband for almost 5 years, married just over a year. I've always struggled with depression and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 17. I am just now realizing that I have a pretty unhealthy relationship with my husband, and I think we are very close to divorce. I have been very controlling and jealous in the past, and he has a lot of anger problems. Things are better now than they were in our first years together, and because things are fine most of the time, it's easy to ignore the bad things. We fight about stupid things fairly often and occasionally, these fights will explode. Here is an example: We were having a stupid, bickering fight about something inconsequential while driving home one night. It kept on escalating until we were yelling at each other and getting frustrated. I finally decided to end the argument, and I told him that I wasn't going to say anything else. I remained silent throughout the rest of the car ride, but he continued to yell at me. He yelled at me all the way from the car, through our apartment's parking lot, and into our apartment. I don't remember what he was saying, but I am sure he was swearing at me and calling me names. Probably saying I was stupid and crazy, too. I finally broke my silence to say something to him, I don't remember what. It pissed him off enough to "make" him throw a bottle into the kitchen (where I was) and dent our practically new microwave. Then he started screaming in my face and poked me in the chest twice, and hard enough to bruise. I slapped him... that's reflex right? Someone's in your face screaming and poking you, it's a little difficult not to get defensive. I'm really stupid, because he tried to leave and I stopped him... I do that pretty much everytime. He always tries to leave and act all dramatic. I can't help myself... At one point he tried to physically shove me out of the apartment and lock the door. This was super embarrassing, because I was hanging halfway out the door crying, trying to push my way back in. I ended up crying myself to sleep. The next day he said he was embarrassed, and I of course felt bad for him. I KNOW that this is not acceptable behavior, and I know I should leave. I want to leave, not only because of this kind of stuff, but because I'm bored and lonely most of the time anyway. I feel like I'm obligated to go to therapy and try to work it out. He's not like that all of the time... he's pretty sweet a lot of the time. I just don't think that therapy is going to be worth the time though, because I don't think I want it to work out. I think I'm mostly feeling really guilty and sad about leaving him. I guess I'm asking for encouragement more than anything. Or. I'm also willing to listen to advice about therapy. I don't know. I'm somewhat torn.