Spacey

I totally agree. I think this guys thinks that he has enough of the good stuff with his fiance- they have a laugh together, get along well (obviously), and he clearly loves her- for the lack of sexual excitement or lack of sex itself not to matter that much. However... Clearly it does matter to him, so much that he is willing to cheat to get some fulfillment. Hello, warning sign???? So frustrating that everyone seems to be able to see he is making a mistake but the man himself. His wedding is coming up in 3 months and it looks like he is going to go through with it. Oh, and this guy has been seeing another girl, having a sexual relationship with her- for 6 months.

I love it with the right guy- if it's someone I really love and am turned on by, then there's nothing I like better than driving him wild, and this *always* does the trick.

I suppose I'm confused because my friend is essentially a good guy. He is kind, really smart and thinks things through. He says he has thought over every possibility regarding this, and he thinks getting married is the right thing to do. I suppose I just don't understand because we get along so well, and have so much in common, yet this I cannot understand in him.

Thoughts? I'm wondering if anyone subscribes to the theory that engaged guys need to have one final fling before the big day (that is a direct quote from someone I know), so they get it out of their system before marriage. Do guys really think that after marriage this discipline will kick in and they will suddenly be able to resist the urges? Or is there some validity to this approach- maybe guys just need to have some really mind-blowing sex before settling for one person for the rest of their life. I am confused. I don't agree with it, I think this mindset is symptomatic of problems with the relationship and of someone not ready to settle down, but I'm a girl and you know how we like to over-analyse these things. What do you think??

I think this post is more for people stuck in that hell, right or wrong- of being the third party. Yes it's a stupid position to put yourself in, but honestly, what I take from this post that is if the person really wants/loves you, they would be with you. If it stops anyone from wasting years hoping their attached person will leave their SO, then it's worth posting.

This is a bit out of hand, isn't it? I think you need to leave your job, it's really the only way. I know you are under contract, but I think if you went to see a doctor you would have a good case of extreme emotional stress, and may be able to get out that way. If you can do this without telling management what happened that would be ideal. Whatever you do, don't do it out of revenge. You did threaten him, and I'm not surprised he took it as such. You need to get out of there, start again somewhere and start to get over this.

Oh, no, I know you are offering your advice to try and help me. I just didn't want to seem that by disagreeing with your post that I was making excuses or didn't appreciate your input. I am looking elsewhere, but also have to find somewhere new to live and I've got a lot happening right now, so when things settle down hopefully I can move on.

I understand what you are saying, but I think carrying on an affair and not being able to break it off are just signs of a very weak man. I don't think that's an excuse I'm making. He is really confused and I do feel for him, even if I recognise that there is a lot about him I wouldn't want in a relationship anyway. But you are right, weakness is not an appealing quality. The thing is, the only way I would ever want him is if he felt strongly enough about me and had the balls to call off his wedding. That's the kind of man I want, that's the kind of man he isn't. The last text I sent him said 'it's a shame you aren't strong enough to take a chance'. So I think he does know that I think he's weak, but I think he would believe it's unfair of me to feel this way. I don't think there's a real psychological thing at play here, I just fancied him. Not because he was unavailable, but because we connected. I just wanted him, and had him, without thinking (obviously) about any long terms ramifications of this. *sigh*

First of all I'm not trying to be argumentative or make excuses because I really value your advice. However, he loves us both, in different ways. You can love more than one person. He's weighed up one against the other and whilst never actually told me in so many words I know he was going to choose her. Not because he doesn't love me or because he was just using me for sex, but because a) he doesn't love me enough or b) he is too weak to break her heart and call off the engagement.

Thanks for you replies. He loves me- of this I'm certain. Now this isn't said from a place of being so blinded by infatuation that I can't think logically nor see his faults: I know he does. So I don't really think it's as cut and dry as your post rose2summer (although I appreciate your input!). There is a strong emotional connection between us, and I know he wasn't just using me for sex. The problem is that he is weak. He isn't strong enough to break off his engagement and hurt his fiance. Which is a problem for me, in regard to the type of person he is. I said that the only way I can excuse cheating (and I mean excuse in this situation in that I still want to be with him despite this, it's not a general rule for me in relationships) is if you fall for someone else- that your feelings are so strong that you have to be with them. I think he wants to be with me but is too weak to do what needs to be done. This means that he is just someone who cheats, and the fact that he can cheat for half his engagement and still go through with it says a lot for the type of person he is. So...yeah. I know it's for the best but it hurts so much! I know I'll be fine, though, I just know not to get myself in a situation like this ever again.

I've been stupid. I've fallen in love with an unavailable man. Seems to be a common theme on these boards, and I can't believe I was stupid enough to get myself into this situation. 5 months ago I was at the end of a 5 year relationship, and had a 'crush' on my boss (yep that's right, he's my boss). Nothing happened for the first 6 months of us knowing eachother. He got engaged at the end of last year. In May we had a company night out, we had a few drinks, flirted quite a lot and ended up kissing. I was still with my boyfriend at the time, but broke up with him soon after. I knew if I could do that to him, and have such strong feelings for someone else, then it wasn't right. It was wrong of me to start something up while still with him, but I broke it off at the first opportunity. I have never cheated on him, or anyone else in my whole life, and I'm ashamed when I think of what I did. Anyway, my boss and I started seeing eachother, maybe once every couple of weeks, at first just kissing and fooling around, then it developed into the most intense sexual relationship either of us has ever experienced. It wasn't just sex, though, and while I hear most of you say 'yeah, right', we get along so well as mates, we have a similar sense of humour and just have a great time together. He said his fiance just isn't interested in sex (again I can almost see you guys rolling your eyes). So it continued for a few months, up until a few weeks ago, when he said he would try to get away for a few hours one weekend to come over. I said no, because I'm tired of him trying to get away, something coming up and me sitting around waiting for him. I went out instead, and he texted me all afternoon wanting to know if I had pulled another guy. We needed to talk. So we talked the other week, he said he needed to make a decision, that he views the 2 situations as separate- with her it works, and is comfortable and he loves her, with me it's exciting. That's not to say it couldn't be everything it is with her with me (if that makes sense). I said to him that sex isn't everything in a relationship, as many couples with differeing sex drives get along just fine, but if it's that important to you that you look outside the relationship for it, then it's a problem. He said his relationship is so much more than that. So he was going to make a decision. I'm not very good at sitting around and waiting for things to happen, and I believe that he was going to decide to go through with the wedding. I texted him yesterday saying that I believe the right decision for him can't be forced, and that I'll think he'll figure it out eventually but unfortunately it will probably be too late. I said I was moving on. He contacted me in the afternoon with general chit chat but I asked him not to contact me outside work as I need to move on. He said he understood, but it's a shame we can't be mates. I said it was a shame he isn't strong enough to take a chance. Now I know what I did was selfish and without regard for his relationship. My only excuse is that I love him with every fibre of my being, and I beieve the only way I can condone him cheating is if he met someone with whom he fell in love (he told me he loved me) and it was a confusing situation for him. I understand how hard it would be to call off a wedding, especially as they are both English and have everyone coming from overseas, plus I know he loves his fiance, even if he isn't 'in love' with her. But I believe that if he felt strongly enough about me the only decision he would be making right now would be deciding the right time to call off the wedding. Not whether we wanted to be with me at all. Because if he loves us both, of course he's going to choose her- the wedding plans are well under way, she is a safer option. The fact that he can tell me he loves me and still marry her tells me a lot about how weak he is. So anyway it's over, and I'm hurting. I'm not expecting sympathy but really it's the worst kind of pain because I can't tell anyone, and I know I brought it on myself. I also know that he loves me, but we wont ever be together. I know I'll be fne, but I sit literally 2 metres away from him at work and it's so hard to forget about him when he is right there, I can smell his aftershave and I just think about what could have been. But I've made his decision for him. I think that he needs to have life without me in it, then maybe it'll dawn on him what he really wants. But as I said, it will probably be too late. I need to open myself up to meeting someone new, someone available. So anyway that's my sad little story. If anyone has words of advice or has otten through a similar situation I would appreciate hearing from you.

But you obviously don't want out, otherwise you would leave him alone. By contacting him again and again you are drawing yourself further into this emotional hell. Sigh. You will email him again, in a few days you will come up with a 'different' email that you 'have to' send, and it will be the same and same again until he either gets the police involved to stop you harassing him or you wake up one day and realise you have wasted years of your life on this guy. There are lots of wise people on this board, people who have been where you are right now, giving you some sound advice. You are too emotionally involved to think clearly. Listen to this advice.

This will sound harsh but I think the only sort of closure you will get from sending him any more emails will be in the form of a Restraining Order.

DON'T!!!! Sorry I haven't posted in your thread before but I have been following it. Go back and read your other posts- you always thought every email you sent was 'dfferent' and 'ok'. Like the others you will regret sending this one! This will not help you, and any chance of him ever contacting you will be gone. You are too close to this situation to think rationally. Listen to Dilly- you need to cut him off until you are feeling less emotional, then have this coversation with him. You are going to look foolish and like a stalker, doesn't matter how unemotional or cool the email is. PLEASE DON"T SEND IT!!!

You have a lifetime of sex ahead of you. The more you rush it and stress about it now, the more put off girls would be. This might be harsh but it smacks of desperation, and girls will run a mile if they think this is all you want (which they will realise). So relax, chill out about sex and just let it come to you. It will.