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About Me

  1. The gist: Male and Female, mid to late 20's and 30's. We’ve started our long-distance relationship 2 months ago - We spend a lot of time playing online games. In the past week, we’ve spoken about two guys that bug me in one way or another. And this morning I woke up with a heavy heart and clouded mind. I thought and hoped we closed this matter last night… Should I, How do I drop this? forget this? ? guy1 who flirts with her while I’m in the same game lobby. I noticed when we play with him, her signs of affection for me disappear. I’ve expressed that I wish her signs of affection wouldn’t lessen when he enters the lobby. She expressed that she only did that because she thought he wouldn’t like it. I translated it like this… Affection towards her from guy1 is ok. Affection FOR me in front of him - is not. In her defense, she says she loves me and would be more expressive next time we play with him. Then the other guy… A parasite. guy2 who whispers into her ear of his failed marriage while confessing romantic emotions to her. He disparages her in game… And she goes back. I’ve expressed my concerns and feel he’s attempting to manipulate her. My girlfriends solution to my heavy mind and heart is… well… She’ll “distance” herself from him. In my minds eye I see myself in a similar situation… her concern expressed as she typed and spoke would not be ignored nor would I wait aforementioned concerns to fester. Cutting ties with individuals that would bring her such discomfort would be easy for me. Should I wait for her to “slowly and politely" let them fade away? What can I do to not feel this way? Be brutal. Really lay it into me… Feel free to judge me.
  2. My girlfriend left me one year ago, now my best friend left me recently, my family is demanding me time with them because I barely dedicate it to them. I have 4 pets, one a little kitty and they are very demanding. A little more of context: I'm a university student and this semester I'm taking too many courses, so I have my time really strict, although I can withdraw some of them to decrease the academic load. So I'm very conflicted right now because 1. My beat friend left me because I'm not a good friend, I'm selfish and it is VERY hard for me to think about other people, and I hate it. I thought I'd be changing, nonetheless, I was thinking about not spending some hours with my family in order for me to finish my week's assignments and be able to do some sport. Indeed I'm being selfish and instead of dedicating 4 hours to them a week, I'd rather go and do my stuff. 2. I know I can do this semester with great grades but as I said, I'd have to dedicate myself to it, and my family and pets demand time. I honestly feel overwhelmed. This issue of being selfish and not-at-all empathic has being over my shoulders for some years now and I can't seem to take it off. I REALLY want to be better, to build myself a good, loving future, full of people I love and I can make happy, but it is so hard and I try and try my hardest and I fall again in the same mistakes.
  3. From few days, I have been getting ill feelings towards every human being. I don't know what is happening to me. People just wanna criticize me. I try to help them but they don't wanna help me. I asked for some advice but only 2 persons helped me. Others just listened to the problem as if they are joining what is happening in my personal life. I feel as if they are so selfish. They just wanna take help but don't wanna help others. Even if they don't have anything to advice,at least words of comfort may help, isn't it? I literally avoid asking for help from people because I don't wanna disturb them but when i do, consider it a serious issue. Next i am tired of being criticized. Even if i help them,they don't take it seriously. They humiliate so much. It's as if they slit your neck into two and say"Oh sorry,sorry.. I didn't mean that." Yet i forgive them even before they ask for it. Please help me. I have so many hardships and i just need words of comfort to be least but they don't understand what one is going through. I can't discuss my problems with anyone, they would consider it a burden ,i am sure. I am tired of keeping them within myself. I don't know what is happening to my heart. It's getting filled with filthy feelings, I don't know what should i do?
  4. My fiance dumped me. He stated that to him we are still together and he isn't looking for anyone else and that he love me. We hang out and still communicate. Sometimes we have really good days and forget that we aren't "offical". But that don't sit right with me. I get angry and i feel like if we are going to act like we are together than why can't we be together. He said he is at a mental standstill in his life and need to work on bettering himself and i should do the same. That's cool and all but it don't make sense to me. How are we supposed to better ourselves apart but still be involved in each others lives? Its frustrating. I just want to move on. Not move on and sleep around, but move on and heal. I want us to grow together, not apart and he won't change his mind and i hurt him constantly by being ok with it one moment and hurt the next. He keep saying stuff like "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm lost and confused" "I'm sorry, i don't want you to hurt".... Can somebody explain what im supposed to do. Why is he doing this. I need to make a very big decision and i dont want to feel selfish or regret from it. And please no bashing. I'm not ok the last thing i need is some to tell me to get over it. My mind is fragile and sometimes i don't even want to be alive.
  5. so 5 and a half weeks ago my friend reversed her car and swung it around and hit my parked car. she damaged the bumper and she smashed the washer housing. she said she would fix it so i didnt go through insurance. now 5 weeks later i told her i was getting impatient and i wanted the washer fixed as i can get points on my license for driving around with no washer if i have an accident. She told me to chill out and that im being OTT....this obviously wound me up. Anyway 2 days later she fixed my washer and now thats ok. but the bumper still needs fixing so i said id like it done in the next 2 weeks. i also said the bumper is mis aligned as well as dented. she then says its only a tiny chip, i already have scratches over the car. .....she then goes on to say im pregnant dont pressure me....i did wonder how long it would take her to play that card! and whats it got to do with my car i dont no? she then also says why are you pushing this your not being a good friend. she then says if it costs too much you will have to bring it to us and we will sort it out manually.....so what shes saying is if she cant afford it then i have to pay petrol and do the running around to accomadate her mistake...great i asked her for her insurance details and she refused she wants to get her own quotes to get it fixed but i asked a garage for a quote and they said they cant do that without seeing the car, so i dont know why she thinks she can get an accurate quote without it being seen properly? When i sent her pictures of my bumper again to show the misalignment she says the pictures are diffrent to hersthe damage was not there....well no ones hit my car since, and maybe her boyfriend taking the bumper off and not putting it on propely may of done something but unless i get it properly checked i wont know. she says shes updated me at every stage....this isnt true, looking back through my texts i messaged her 8 times over the 5 weeks, she never initiated a single text but replied to mine, so i had to do all of the chasing she has called me a liar as well when ive told her my bumper is not aligned anyway, any thoughts on how this can be resolved? i have no interest in being her friend now after this, shes shown her true colours. i want to get a proper quote by someone whos seen my car first hand, not some mickey mouse quote going from a photo shes shown them do you think shes being a good friend? any advise on whether they quoter should see the car before they make a quote? and any advise on how i can get her to pay for the damage. thanks
  6. Ok so I'm sure some of you have read my post in the relationship thread about my fiance working out of town and us barely talking and so on. Basically what this boils down to is I'm unhappy. I have been extremely stressed due to the fact that he still has not been able to contribute to the Bill's at all. Except maybe $50. Now granted I can see where some of you would say he shouldn't have to pay for any of the bills here, if he's not currently here which I understand. but he's not even trying to help pay our cellphone bill. His solution to the fact that our phones are going to be shutoff is to just forget about it and go get a prepaid phone. Now I've had the same cellphone company for 7 years. Not to mention I've been working on rebuilding my credit after filing bankruptcy last year. So when he said that I was infuriated. I did calmly tell him that that is not an option nor the way i handle things. It's been harder because I had surgery 3 weeks ago and I missed a little over a week of work, on top of I'm part time and now they've cut hours so I don't even get what used to be the minimum of 25 hours a week. And I have considered getting another part time job, but on also trying to overextend myself and screw my shoulder recovery because I've also just started school. I've not had to worry so much because my veterans disability does cover the rent for the apartment. but there's still about $900 in bills that have to be paid every month. Which he used to atleast help me pay the electricity and the phone bill. I always of course covered my car and insurance. but now I'm basically scrambling to cover for everything. It has boiled down to the fact that I'm now having to move in with friends because I can no longer afford all the bills. His response was I'm sorry baby but thats a good idea and basically that was it. Mind you, it did take a bit for me to realize the only bill he has where he's at is rent to the people he's living with. Thats only 250. And he sends $50 child support every week for his daughter. I know he has child support taken out for his son. but he gets paid every week, where I only get paid every 2 weeks. And I'm lucky now if its $150 And he's currently making a good bit more than me. He goes to the gym every day on his dime and he buys protein powder and pre-workout supplements as well. But says he can't send anymore money. Is it wrong of me to be fed up? I've been thinking about ending things and just getting a fresh start. Especially since at 33 I'm having to move in with friends to get my together. on top of now I'm going to school and still recovering from shoulder surgery. Am I being stupid or what?
  7. I've been wanting a new job but my bf said im selfish and I don't care about him because I didn't think of him and tell him about it before I started looking at new jobs, like if I have to wake up earlier to take the bus I'll wake him up or if he has to drive me there it'll be harder for him, so he wants me to talk to him first before applying to any jobs or getting a new job but this makes me feel controlled... cuz I can't do what I want and I have to pass It thru him first? Doesn't seem right to me, the way I think would be right is to find a job talk to him about it, go for an interview and if I really want it I'll figure out a way to get there and maybe ask him if he could help out and if not I'll get there on my own. I applied for another job today, I told him after I applied and he got super mad because I didn't tell him first, I did forget and he got mad and said a bunch of hurtful stuff like I don't care about him an im selfish and im bad because I didn't tell him again. I tend to forget things sometimes not sure why! I feel like he overeacted alot, wish we could of talked to me just nicely.... I told him that I would get a car that way I can get there on my own, well he said that's a big desicion and I should talk to him about it first and I told him that it's my car and ill pay for it, I want my own car and he got mad and said that's our desision not just yours. Is this normal behavior ? Ive always been independent. He said he didn't want me to wake him up early by taking the bus so I told him I wouldn't and get a car so that's trying to compromise to make him happy right? I just really want this new job and wish he would just support me nomatter what and not make me feel like about wanting a new job or a new car and keep telling me I don't care about him because I want to make this decision... I think I like doing my own thing sometimes in relationships and if I seem like I can't I feel trapped and controlled. If it was me I would be glad to do anything to help him and I would be happy to see him be happy, I would NEVER make it about me and steal his light, isn't that how it should be? Thanks everyone!!
  8. I haven’t seen any posts like this so I figured I’d start one. They say that its important to take away lessons from relationships, whatever kind they are. This last one made me realize that it’s ok to be myself and that I can make someone happy just by being that. I dont need to hide behind work, material things, and selfishness. Before she left she helped me change jobs (something I wanted to do and should have done years ago) and helped me understand that there is no such thing as “perfect.” She made me realize how important it is to give back also. Taking care of myself is the most important part of life and when I get to that point I can share my life with someone great for however long that may be. She made me realize that everyone has their own issues including her. No one acts a certain way out of the blue. The past and other outside observations always have an impact on how people act and react. It always takes two to tango. In the interest of growing and moving forward, what are some things you’ve realized about yourselves after your relationships ended?
  9. is it selfish to tell someone that you want to be alone to work on your self over and over again to heal from your previous relationship (the relationship before that) and mental issues? They've been doing it for 4 years they claim they love you and want to be with you. The problem is I need to work on these issues. I also just want to wrap myself up in work hopefully get a second part time job and use my spare time to focus on my kids. Is that selfish? It's not that I don't want to be with the guy. I just don't see how it's possible.
  10. Hello :) I need some advice regarding my best friend. We've known each other over ten years ago and we've been friends ever since. She has many great qualities, I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue. I know she has some insecurities (who hasn't ?) : she's very possessive so she feels threatened when I meet someone who I get along with because she doesn't like to "share" her friends with someone who's "not worth it" and she has a fear of abandonment. Anyway to set the context, 6 years ago, we were both trying to enter med school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last 6 years trying to get another degree that could allow her to access med school in third year (that's how it works in my country, sorry if that's confusing). Unfortunately it didn't work so she's planning to study abroad. She never met any of my friends in med school because that depressed her, and i noticed she was kind of jealous when i mentioned them. Our friendship was fine until september 2017. It was tense sometimes and I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get in med school or outraged if I said something about someone who left the school ... Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc Anyway, last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to my studies, I only got to see him once a week and at the time, I was living with my best friend. I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my best friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had (and still have :( ) a lot of insecurities about my body, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked. But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she "had been hugely disappointed at me", that "she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn't want to be sacrificed.". She stated I should have know she wasn't okay because she was stressed that she wouldn't manage to get in med school I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of thing and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday. She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn't done her wrong in purpose, but she "didnt care".She explained that she was no longer willing to listento anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues. Some months later, I got dumped lol. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him and made a list of physical things he didn't like about me like my hair color, my hands and others stuffs ... :/ I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up. At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied "okay, unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to" I don't know if I am being a real here and if I am being incredibly selfish but I don't understand her reaction and she's not the only one to feel disappointed. I have to say : those events really damaged our friendship. We still talk almost everyday, but I don't feel like opening to her anymore. I don't talk to her about my life anymore, I think I am still quite angry at her. I don't know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is definitely not the same. So what do you think about that ? Am I being selfish ? Is the friendship still worth it ? Thank you! :) sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker :)
  11. I am a heavy introvert and find large group settings draining. Whenever I have a party/clubbing event I try my best to fit in by talking a lot and acting extroverted. I don't like drinking and everybody knows this. The problem is I feel left out when others binge drink to get drunk around me and become loud and obnoxious. I see those people (who are my very good friends) as selfish and their behaviour as unhealthy. It puts me in a position of spite and I usually refuse drinks and become designated driver because of it. I assume my stress and judgement for these people is out of jealousy. But I have been drunk before and still feel the same way. My experiences haven't been great, but they haven't been negative either. My conscious thought-process follows a simple path. I see alcohol as a drug like any other drug. Drugs are the opposite to self-improvement and are self-destructive. If I see my friends taking shots, I will join in just to keep up. But I won't take any more than 1 or 2 just to ensure I am being responsible and taking care of myself. I will then mediate the rest of the night with some standard drinks so that I don't go overboard. When I see my friends excited to take shot 3, 4 and 5, I get angry and upset. I don't know why and I don't know how to think differently. I have an event tonight and don't want to go home feeling annoyed or upset. Please help me think differently.
  12. Met a guy at an open mic night about a month go, who was very unambiguously into me at the start and asked me to ask him out. I thought he had a nice face and I was a bit interested but he's not my usual type and I was still shaking interest in someone else. On our first date he concluded I wasn't interested in him and wasn't worth it, I walked away with the opposite impression and wanted to see more. Next time I saw him in the first 5 minutes he'd told me I don't know what punk music and, upon hearing that I'd gotten a bad performance review from work that I alienate people (totally not the right thing to say). He's been telling me all these negative things about me ever since, I'm racist, sexist, narrow minded, brainwashed SJW blah blah blah. And I am BAD at letting people go, so I held in wishfully thinking that he'd just got the wrong end of the stick and if he spent more time with me he'd realise what I'm really like (like, see me the way my friends do at least). Today it came up in passing that I don't shave and he leveled complete vitriol at me "you should have told me sooner" "people who don't shave are just selfish and lazy" "You just don't shave because you're a brain washed SJW" "Not shaving is why guys **** you but won't date you" "you must want a man who's desperate or a bit gay and I am neither" We kept talking, he never reached a point of apologising though, he's all like "either we be friends and you let those things I said go or we don't speak again" And then in the silence some rubbish about am I going to be anywhere he is tonight because he despises drama. I should have let up the night he told me I alienate people. My wishful thinking still keeps me stuck with people who hurt me and this hurt more than any of the disinterested boys before him. No advice needed per se just looking for hugs and pictures of cute things, words of solidarity. My streak of unreciprocated interest, from guys who appeared interested but then flipped on me remains unbroken and is heading for double digits, it is really really hard to not tell me this is just going to be every guy from now on The sadness is high tonight
  13. So it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago (quite an important birthday not just any old number) and I’m not sure if my expectations were too high or if I’m just being ungrateful? Basically nothing happened, we did something a couple of days before, but it was something we do every weekend whether it be a special occasion or not. So I figured ‘well nothing happened over the weekend so maybe somethings happening on the day’ Bare in mind I already know there’s no cake so I make my own, no problem, I love baking. The day arrives, I wake up, no happy birthday, no card, no present, no plans, yet he has taken the day off work? So I wait it out for a bit, but it’s mid afternoon and I’m still sat on the couch watching Netflix. I then realise that there is no surprise gift or card or flowers or anything at all, I know we live together and see eachother everyday but is that an excuse for making no effort? Am I being silly for being upset over this? I feel guilty as though I’m being horribly materialistic but even a hand written note on a piece of paper would have been something I could treasure. How would you feel?
  14. Hey everyone! I was discussing with my boyfriend when he suddenly asked me in a sarcastic way if I know what’s going on in the world because he knows that normally I’m not interested in hearing the news (specifically politics) or in other words I don’t check them out. Of course sometimes I hear people talk or someone tells me about something or the news just randomly pop on my phone screen. So when he asked me that I said I don’t care about the news and I told you this many times, but recently I’ve heard this and that. Then he started saying that I’m selfish and just think of myself!!! Then he talked about the chemical attack that is happening in Syria. And he said that I don’t have a heart. I cannot understand how me being not interested in the news means that I don’t care about people’s lives or that I only think of myself? I fid not say that I don’t care about people dying snd stuff. I just meant the news in general and specially politics! I told him what have you done other than hearing those poor people’s news? What makes you more human than me? Did you change their life or situation? Why he talks like he did something big or presented a big help to them by just hearing or reading their news! At the same time, those people are coming and staying as refugees in his country, but he was saying that they are making my country sh*t blah blah. If you assume that you feel them then why are saying that you don’t want them in your country. Please I would love to hear your comments because I’m really pissed off! Thanks in advance...
  15. My wife let me know yesterday that she wakes up angry every morning because of me and what I've done or failed to do. She has social anxiety and is bipolar. She has been off her medication for months now so we can try to have a child (She is 39 and time is running out - but she is so unhappy with me we can almost never do the act). We have been married for just over a year, and we had a miscarriage about 8 months ago. She has told me that I seem to be oblivious, that I'm not present when we are together and that I don't care to support her in her struggles. She asked me to move out today, that she can't take it anymore, that she hates the person I make her become; she knows she treats me like and she doesn't like it any more than I do. It feels like it's only when she is really angry and yells that I actually take notice and try. When things are going well, I just coast and fall into my bad habit. That bad habit is watching pornography. I have been addicted since at least grade 8 and have been trying to stop for about 8 years now (I am 33). I have recently joined SA in late December and my sponsor and the members there have encouraged me to focus on just working the program - I am currently on Step 1. I recognize that I am selfish and I am getting what I deserve. We had a great time together early on in our relationship 3 years ago - but after I said and did some very hurtful things and continued to do them (especially big things like not planning celebrations or time together, not proposing, etc..) and it's caused her a lot of pain. I love my wife and am comitted to this relationship. I have come to realization that almost everything my wife has said is true. Yes, I know I am not perfect, I have ADD and I'm not as smart as her - she can over-react sometimes, but the fact is that I have been oblvious and lazy - especially when I have 'ingested' my drug, I don't care about others. The only reason I ever started to look for a girlfriend was to eventually get married and have an "outlet" so that I wouldn't watch porn or lust. Which is totally and utterly selfish and wrong of me. But now that I am married, I want to do right by her. I had been sober for over a month early on in our relationship but stress from our relationship has been a big trigger for me - and if I act out and look at porn, without fail we have a fight the next day or two because I become clueless about others and only see myself. She's never caught me using it, and I haven't told her exactly what I've done recently (though very early in our relationship I told her I was fighting it and she said she could never be in a relationship with someone who wasn't) - and now she hates if I mention "recovery" and considers I am just using it as an excuse to keep being as I am. I had my last slip over a day ago. I want to stay sober and I want to be there for my wife and stop hurting her. Do you all have any suggestions of what I should do to show my care and love every day for her starting from today? I already do the laundry, garbage, pickup or cook almost all meals, I try to give her little gifts though she doesn't like useless stuff (and we are low on money) and she hates me giving her candy because she's overweight. I try to be present and attentive when we spend time together, but I say or do something wrong almost every day because I am oblvious to her needs. She says I just "do" - but that I am emotionally absent and heartless. I don't want to lose her. Please help. Patrick
  16. After dating selfish cheap guys, I'm pretty gun shy. My bf has always been generous w/me and we do pay for each other pretty often. Today he went out to eat and I couldn't make it, so I asked him to bring me some soup. I'm not one to eat a lot, but this kind of shocked me. The soup bowl he brought me was tiny, barely a meal w/a piece of bread. It kinda shocked me though, as I def wouldn't be bringing something that small if he asked me to bring him food. I'm not going to say anything, but it leaves me a tad bit worried Is he starting to get cheap on me? From observing other couples, when they bring food to their SO, its an amazing meal.
  17. Hello Please bare with me, I am new to this forum. I’ve been with my boyfriend for many years and we met when he lived in my city. He was having financial issues and was homesick so had to go back home due to this problem. I said I’d stand by him and just see him on weekends which we managed to do for 7 months. I eventually left my city and moved to his to be with him in June of last year. I was recently diagnosed with depression due to many issues of my own. I’ve been signed off for several weeks to get myself back on the mend as it’s been building up for a few years. I’m thinking of moving back to my home city to get myself sorted, this could be several weeks or months and then I’ll move back to his city to start a fresh. Plus, I too will have financial issues as I’m thinking of leaving my job and getting one in my home town until I’m ready to move back. He’s said several times in the past if I ever move back to my city he’ll leave me. I don’t see how this is fair? I stood by him when he moved back but now it’s my turn (which will not be permanent) he wants to threaten me with this. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I can’t rant to him about this and I need advice from the outside in. Many thanks guys
  18. Roughly two years ago I met someone and we quickly became friends. We have alot in common; such as our financial situations, career path, outlook on life etc. We both lack a solid support system and struggle to get ahead financially due to certain circumstances. About a year ago we decided to move in together to alleviate some of the financial pressures we both experience and to help eachother get ahead in life. I also want to add that our friendship is strictly platonic as i am an openly gay male. (My friend is a straight female). They say you don't truly know someone until you live together and i can attest to the truth in that. You see my friend is a single mother of two , who has always managed providing for her kids on her own and she has experienced some trauma throughout her life which i feel she has never worked out internally. I feel she is stressed out to the point she shuts down emotionally and physically. I myself expierencied trauma growing up but luckily worked through it through therapy (which i still go to regularly) and by researching and learning about personal development on my own. We grew up differently as she was raised in a city and expierienced poverty, i was raised in a middle class family in a suburban town. However, we both come from dysfunctional families. Mind you, i dont think that i am better than anyone and I am far from achieving my own potential. I don't want people to think i hAve. Holier than thou mindset. I truly love and care about my friend and her owm personal well being. I feel like she has helped me realize my shortcomings and has helped me grow as a person. I want to help my friend grow in all areas of her life as well. I realize someone cant be helped unless they want to help themselves. Considering we now live together, the way shs lives has a direct effect on me to a certain extent. I am not able to find a new living situation due to my own financial situation, eventually this is my goal to move within the next 6 months to a year but for right now i need to make this work. The problem is my friend is very guarded and defensive. She is also very paranoid that everyone is trying to take advantage of her or use her. She is very limited in taking responsibility for her own actions and constantly plays the victim card or places the blame on someone else. I realize i started this post saying that i want to help her and realize i should rephrase that. I would like to help her but ultimately the purpose of this post is regarding living together amicably and learning how to communicate with her effectively. She is constantly accusing me of being selfish and taking advantage of her kindness etc... I am the last person who would do that as i have been used and taken advantage of before i woke up and realize how carless people can be towards one Another. How i see it is we both help eachother when we can and would say its pretty equal what we both do for eachother. She may help me a little more but not to the extent she believes. I see it as we both help eachother to our ability. For instance, if im broke until payday and she goes for coffee she will buy me a coffee. If im out of cigarettes she will give me a cigarette or two. When i have money i do the same. I also am constantly doing other things that dont involve money such as constantly cleaning up after her and her son Shortly after moving in i realized she is a hippocrite and alot of things she expressed am issue with me she did herself. I tried bringing it up to her but again she gets very defensive. So i started using the phrases she uses to me, to her. This technique worked because she started realizing she was being a hippocrite. However , whenever she gets upset over something she has horrible communication skills and only sees things from her side and will not listen to anything I have to say. She talks over me and yells and screams to get her point accross and because she doesnt allow me to communicate my side i get frustrated and loose my patience. There are a couple times i have lost my patience and have called her a or stupid etc. This is not my nature at all and i alwAys feel horrible afterwards so eventually Ive just decided to try not to escalate her mood by arguing back and usually just end up leaving and going for a walk or something. Im not saying i have the best communication skills but I do realize a conversation is a two way street that involves listening and talking. Im open to constructive criticism and can admit when im in the wrong. I feel like by me backing down when she gets into one of these moods im allowing her to feel like she won the argument and that she is right when if we could just have a mature respectful conversation it would save us both undue stress and anxiety. I also feel i have a right to defend myself if she is calling me names such as selfish only care about myself etc. We get along fine a majority of the time but these situations do come up at least once a month. Like i said i care about our friendship and i dont want to have a hard falling out or anything. I realize she has trust issues in general but i have never done anything to make her not trust me. Im so sorry for such a long post and i thank you for taking the time to read it. I would greatly appreciate any communication suggestions for when it comes to communicating with someone who is so hard headed and defensive. Thanks
  19. I feel completely useless. Im empty and alone. I don’t feel like anyone cares or anyone wants me. I’ve been in this black cloud for what It seems like forever. Im fighting so hard to stay alive but for what? Fighting hard for what purpose? Everyone Is so selfish. I’ve given so much to people that I’ve met but not one person does the same in return. Maybe I should be selfish and just be gone from this world and pain I’ve been living in. Sorry I don’t mean to be gloomy just in a dark and painful place. Needed somewhere I can just talk and be real with.
  20. One month ago today, I decided enough was enough. I needed to stop the madness I was living in. I went NC. I wasn't sure I could even do it. This was the person I looked forward to speaking with, we had some sort of communication everyday for a year and a half. Looking back now, I am ashamed of myself, yes, ashamed. I had become a willing participant in something so unhealthy that it had skewed my perception of what we really were, the fact that I was his fall back girl. I can't even begin to understand how or WHY I let that happen. After years if being single by choice, I allowed myself to fall in love with the most selfish, self absorbed, immature man I've ever met. Amazing how love can truly blind you to all a person's bad characteristics. Now, 30ty days in, I can see it for what it really was, certainly for what it wasn't. I won't lie and say he doesn't cross my mind, more than he should but less than he did. I've had days where I almost gave in and reached out to him, thinking he's just waiting for me, but I didn't. I recall all the posts I've read here about moving on, healing and NC. The words of encouragement, the amazing advice given by so many who have been where I am now. The hard, ugly truth that's often blocked by people going through the emotional rollercoaster of a break up, and it saved me. Saved me from stepping back into the mess. I feel as if a fog is slowly lifting, I'm gradually seeing things clearly. I'm on my way to finding ME. The damage, the hurt caused by this will eventually fade, however the lesson learned is forever with me. In all my years, I never knew a person who could use people this way, for that I'm lucky, I know. There is still a part of me that hopes he will always have moments when he thinks of me and regrets letting me walk away, even though I know he won't. I always expected him to help me become the best me possible, just not in the way he did it. #ONEMINUTEATATIME
  21. Although i've been in a very loving and caring relationship for the last year a pattern is slowly emerging. On a few occasions I have gotten a too drunk with mates and changed plans for the next day because I'm hungover or because I stayed over at my mate's house. These occasions have then led to arguments that seem to be about more than me getting too drunk etc. During a couple of fights we have had, my girlfriend has mentioned how selfish I can be, how I never ask her how her day at work was or social things, and that it's usually always the 'me show'. I've heard this stuff before from a previous girlfriend and so concerned that this is a bad trait in my personality. How can I help improve this part of my relationship with my girlfriend?
  22. I wonder mostly about long-time members who decided to be a part of this community. Has this forum enriched your lives, and if so, in what way? Sometimes as I write a response here and think "dammit... I should listen to that advice myself!". I had already a couple of revelations, especially when talking to people about self-respect and putting your own needs first. But sometimes I also realize my own past selfishness from another perspective that I was blind to. In this way it works for me like a group therapy - but better, cause it's written and you can always go back to it! When individual therapy fails because it's hard to make changes, it helps to see other people struggle with the same thing. So maybe you first looked here for some advice, but stayed, because you found being a part of community still serving your growth more than just asking questions? Or did you look for opportunity to give advice online because you're in a help profession yourself and needed some practice? Or maybe you spent so many hours scrolling through cat pictures that you decided to do something more productive with your Internet time? What was your story, motivation to join and stay in this community, and what did it offer you?
  23. My BF/SO is experiencing financial problems which has caused him to become distant and emotionally shut down. His career is stagnant and he is trying to get back on track. He’s indirectly mentioned his bills before and how they are a burden. He works a commission based job so if he doesn’t work he doesn’t eat (or make money). We live separately and I have my own expenses. To his credit he never burden me with his problems or asked me for anything financially. I believe in getting through hard times together but I won’t financially support a man. But I respect him for trying this on his own. The break up was not bad he told me he needed to focus on his problems and that when something changed he would let me know. Our “break up” conversation lasted about 1 hour. Of course, we didn’t just talk about the break up but just normal things as we regularly do. My curiosity peaked and I wanted to know how serious he was and if he would block me or not answer my calls. Several hours later, after our initial conversation, I called to see if he had blocked me or if he would answer. He didn’t answer, so I thought he was done with the relationship. This would have been the confirmation that I needed. He called me back within the minute and we talked like regular times, not specifically about the relationship. We ended up talking atleast 2-3 more times like normal for atleast 1 hour each, with both of us initiating the calls. Before the night ended, I called him back before bed and we talked. About two days later, he reiterated that he does need the time to focus and solve his financial issues. It was nothing personal that I did. He just needs to commit 100% focus on this. I told him, “I respect your decision and let me know if anything changes. If you need me, I’m here for you.” He said he appreciated that and thanked me. My approach has been to give him the space or break that he said he needed. I also wanted to give him a chance to miss me so I’ve refrained from contacting him in any way. Do you think I am being selfish because I don’t really want the break up? Do you think I need to be supportive and understand that he, as a man, need to do what he has to do and allow him to get himself together so he has more to offer and bring to the table? I just wanted some new and non biased opinions. Thanks in advance!
  24. we broke up. he is not the same person anymore. his ex is pregnnt with him, ad since she informed us he completely changed. i dont know what to say anymore. i supported him, gave him everything i have and i espected the same from him, but all i got was pain and rejection. i realise now how cruel and selfish he was. he said he wil change and i believed him, but this morning when we talked i realised how diappointed am i and that he doesn't care how i feel. i asked him to stay with me but he said he is so nervious hat he cant talk. then it came to me that he ALLWAYS does that when i wanna talk. i asked him to stay, told him i need him to hug me, i need to be sure that he cares for me, i just need him, but he said he is not in mood and he wants to run away from all of us. and i told him to go and that i don't want to see him anymore. i told him that i was there for him so many times why is he going now when i need him, but he still went. all day i'm wondering why this happened to me, when did i change, when did i let him to treat me this way. and i had to say no more, i couldn't stand so many rejections from him, cold words so many times i was in tears and i watched him closing doors and leaving me alone because he has a hard times. i'm just a pressure for him. i'm glad in a way. better now then later i guess. DAY 1 i'm trying to find my way back, i wanna be the person that i used to be. today i feel and look like hell. i know i did the right thing, it is the best for me. last 40 days i was just thinking about him and how he feels. i think i had enaugh.
  25. Hi During the summer I met a girl who seemed to be quite interested in me. unfortunately I was still recovering from my previous relationship and to be frank she just isn't "my type". She has asked me on several occaisons if we could become more but I always answer No. She gets very upset and quite aggitated at this. Afterwards though she always says that it would be nice if we could still be friends which I don't have a problem with, she isn't a bad person. The problem is though it seems that every few months she will ask me out again. Also she is always questioning me if she knows I have been talking to other girls and gets quite irrate because aparently I "never message her or organise to go places with her - it's always her that has to do it". Now on the occaison that I DO organise something I get this feeling that she gets excited that I'm actually falling for her - only to be turned down again. To be honest and without sounding too selfish - she's starting to get to me and I could do without this in my life. She obvioulsy can't just be friends with me and when/if I find a girl who is my type she is going to be distraught. How can I gently and painlessly get her to leave me alone?? I'm not a rude guy but fear that rudeness/ignoring might be the only way. Any help would be much appreciated!!
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