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mmmending

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  1. mmmending
    regardless of how it seems, a fellow human-being in need of support.. each of us has taken risks, and it is risky business being human.. you are v. honest about your feelings, what a difficult situation this must feel like for you.. there is a fearlessness in expressing so openly something that might set you up for rejection and criticism by others.. in spite your humanity, and despite your honesty, there is very little positive language around a situation such as yours, and i feel for you.. really did your wife unilaterally stop using birth control? and was it agreed upon by both of you that she would be responsible for the BC? hindsight is 20/20, yet it can serve as a blueprint through which to guide future experience.. we as men must, too, accept responsibility for BC.. tho' this is of little help to you now.. however, do remember this you are definitely not a monster for feeling this way.. unsupportive of her perhaps then again, you're both adults.. and if i understand your post correctly, it seems as tho' she knew of your choice to wish not to have children.. so remember you are one of a party of two adults.. i would really urge you to seek professional counselling around this.. i can hear the trauma in your post and really, really believe that you need to let this out and speak with someone professionally who can guide you through these feelings good luck..
  2. mmmending
    Kindness Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop, the passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say it is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you every where like a shadow or a friend. ~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~ (Words From Under the Words: Selected Poems)
  3. mmmending
    okay.. you left this post about 9 days ago.. do you still feel this way with the same intensity? i used to feel very rueful about the fact that things change, now i totally love it that this is so
  4. mmmending
    v. thoughtful post.. you opened up something for me here that i've had a hard time coming up against the feeling of unworthiness is so grinding.. at times, i am aware of consciously feeling it, at others i see in retrospect that my actions have been motivated by a sense of unworthiness.. without hijacking your post, i'd like to say that when i first came to this site, i lurked for a few weeks, then registered, but didn't post for a couple of months after having done so.. i see that i am very willing to offer advice, but at the same time only let out in dribs and drabs "why i am here" i've been really wondering why this is so.. offline, i'm an open person, a very open person even.. gregarious, lots of energy, i'm interested in things, get involved.. i like people in the break up with my lover something really dropped inside of me.. i was/am so in love with this person, and she with me.. for reasons (suffice it to say), i initiated the break up, but she is the enforcer of NC.. i spoke to her over the phone about a month ago.. in that conversation she said "if you really love me, never call me ever again".. my reaction to this went way beyond denial, or numbness.. i literally could not understand what i was hearing.. i love her, am in love with her and this is my love.. my love is my love so, unworthiness.. in those ten words spoken to me, that this person is unwilling or now unable to receive my love, i cannot, in any genuine reckoning, (yet) grasp that this unwillingness, or inability is in no way a reflection upon the worthiness of the love.. conceptually i get it.. affectively, i'm sooo not there thank you for posting
  5. mmmending
    ~*strokes chin and muses over the concept of "kissing diagnostics"*~
  6. mmmending
    create an opportunity in which to find out, let things develop, ask him.. then you'll know.. if you find it is one-sided, then this situation may serve as information for you in the future.. if you discover it is mutual, then this will affirm trust in your instincts/intuition -and- will be the pathway to a hopefully loving adventure.. good luck
  7. mmmending
    touching, moving, poignant, honest, vulnerable.. with fearlessness like yours, how could dyslexia ever, EVER.. be a barrier for you.. such a gift, thank you!!!
  8. mmmending
    absolutely.. have experienced it.. i can also see that to those for whom it hasn't happened, it might seem like magical thinking.. tho' if you've ever felt it, and lived it with somebody it is a very tender state of being in love.. the chemistry, connection, wavelength.. however you choose to describe it, it's somewhat like trying to put your finger on a given point in a swirling fractal: it's not something you can so much do, as simply know it is truly there personally, this has not been my experience, yet it seems to be a sort of archetypal condition.. Cyrano de Bergerac, Echo in the myth of Narcissus come to mind
  9. mmmending
    please be easy on yourself with this.. the tape may need to run its course.. someone for whom i have a lot of respect, affection, admiration said to me once 'asking your mind to stop "thinking" is like asking your body to stop producing enzymes.. it's impossible, it can't happen.. this is what the mind does' .. yep! sometimes (with skill, patience, awareness) there is catharsis in letting the tape run the thing to be mindful of is not to let yourself indulge in the content, nor in any of the barbs and personal criticisms it may contain.. remind yourself not to make or solidify any decisions about yourself based on it.. too, it is memory, and has passed through the filter of any manner of "idea" (read: things that by their very nature simply pass) which may not necessarily be supportive or constructive.. people, we, i - all build cases in an attempt to give substance to opinions, to fortify positions and so forth and this creates such separation - most often from ourselves! - fuelling very difficult feelings such as lonliness.. when you are able, see this for what it is; getting stuck in the story is less letting the tape run, than playing the broken record beeeeautifulllll!!! .. this, old friend, is the voice of compassion.. those things you have noted about your ex are less a statement of him than an acknowledgement of you.. a permission for you to be yourself, and of the worthiness of you to live in your personal dignity.. so fine!!!
  10. mmmending
    so true.. beautifully stated
  11. mmmending
    about to get a bit clever with the language, but here goes.. did you miss what you "had"? or did you panic that you might not have again what was there for both of you on that particular date.. you see (and we all know this), that whistfulness that is "what we had", this is so infused and embellished with a folkloric mythological quality that there is no way to authentically know what any of us "had".. it is so tinged with the rose- or fecal coloured glasses, it is very hard to separate fact from fiction my sense is, in those tender moments of that date, you became aware of "hey, this is good.. now!" on the date, i do not believe you blew it at all.. in fact, you likely got it very right.. consider what she actually said to you.. on the date, she was "dumbfounded" by what you said to her.. this suggests to me, that in the past, either (a)you may have been inexpressive of your feelings in a way that was meaningful to her, or, (b) she wasn't "hearing" you.. between then (ie-the relationship as it was) and now something has shifted to the positive to me, a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place.. "probably not in the way [you] were" is not "no!".. rather, it is a kindly invitation to tweak matters in a way that may free both of you from that conditioned, attached, rigidly patterned way of doing things that may well have led to your separation in the first place i'd be inclined to proceed with an open heart, it sounds as tho' the communication is on a good footing.. stay with that.. remind yourself of the harm by acting out of any sense of urgency good luck!
  12. mmmending
    ..yes.. you feel "set back", for now at least.. but this is not a solid-state version of you.. you "are" not set back following the dharmic flavour of your signature, and of scout's reminder to you of the wisdom inherent in it, ponder this one: If we gain something, it was there from the beginning. If we lose anything, it is hidden nearby -Ryokan you are likely only "set back" to the extent that what is wonderful about you is momentarily not apparent to you.. but this wonderfulness hasn't really gone anywhere
  13. mmmending
    your ex has what sounds like a mean streak, issues of control and low EQ.. bottom line his behaviour points to an abusive tendency.. it is irrational to expect you to be accountable for what is ultimately his jealousy.. it also sounds as though he has tried to create a condition in which you appear to be the bad guy - ie.. blah, blah, blah he is going out to hang with his friends, and your neediness is impinging on his freedom.. his not wanting to talk about it is the enforcement of a bogus boundary.. i'm catching that unmistakeable whiff of emotional dishonesty, blackmail, even.. re: the false accusations of infidelity, it is sort of like that low-rent fallacy of logic/rhetoric - "when did you stop beating your wife, mr. smith?" .. by the very asking of this, you find yourself in the dubious position of having to defend something that has no basis in your personal reality.. AND - the very act of defending creates an implicit scrutiny of your credibility and sincerity.. simply put, you're buggered as for the "i dumped him, and i'm miserable".. i not sure that this is the true cause and effect.. i believe you feel miserable because you got ambushed, my friend.. by wishing to speak with him to bring clarity around something that was upsetting you, it seems to me that you acted out of healthy self-esteem.. he, for his part, used your affection for him as the context to rough you up.. this is how i read it i think you made a choice out of personal dignity (not pride), one that will improve your quality of life.. having said that, i, too, initiated the break up with my ex, and 4 1/2 months later also feel miserable, so in all honesty, i can only commiserate with you in this be easy on yourself
  14. mmmending
    put down? or did you feel judged and scrutinized?.. feel your "worth" being measured and evaluated?
  15. mmmending
    what happened?
  16. mmmending
    what a beautiful sentiment, such kindness really let yourself take these words to heart, cokemachine.. you need a little of this now go easy on yourself
  17. mmmending
    you sound very isolated in this and you deserve to be happy, and posting here signals that you want to be happy.. by posting here, you've already done most of the work, and give yourself credit for doing so if you are in USA, look at this page: link removed call 1 800 273 8255 if you are in Canada, look here: link removed call 1 800 668 6868 describe to the counsellor on the other end of the line what you have described here.. tell the person straight up "i need help" .. and get help it sounds easy for me to say, but there is no overwhelming problem, either real or perceived that cannot be gotten beyond, and i wouldn't expect you to believe it, unless i hadn't seen this phenom. with my own eyes you are an athlete, and understand the meaning of training, practice and coaching.. you just need a little training, practice and coaching with those worries that have really gotten you down there are good people out there who can help, and who know how to keep it real.. give them a chance and please call the numbers i've listed
  18. mmmending
    link removed
  19. mmmending
    your post is so poignant, with a clarity and ease of expression.. i felt that dull ache, and heavy feeling in my chest when i read the paragraph quoted above.. what you described so well i, too, have experienced after a fashion.. it's hard i hope you find comfort soon.. be gentle with yourself
  20. mmmending
    this seems like hard stuff.. my heart goes out to you.. you come accross as very honest with yourself, and aware of what you do, accountable, thoughtful.. when i read your reply i sort of got that sinking feeling that disconnection of the service was a gesture of "this is really over" towards your ex.. it seemed sad, cause for reflection if i came accross too strong in my post, i'm sorry.. pls take good care and go easy on yourself
  21. mmmending
    you gave her fair warning, just over two month's.. you had also mentioned that when the issue came up prior to full blown NC, that she would somehow convince you, or "manipulate" you not to take action, so you clearly have shown some leniency and generosity in this.. speaking from experience, i can rationalize, justify, build a case around just about anything i do (i am highly accomplished at this *ahem*), however, when my conscience has any pang or doubt over actions taken, it is often (not always) when my intentions behind them may not have been completely on the level, or where i'm giving in to my lesser instincts.. this is where i get into trouble, and the boardroom of critics and backseat drivers who chatter away inside have a fieldday with this you ask whether your actions were "petty and vindictive or appropriate?".. wow! this is harsh, these are harsh words.. you are really laying a number on yourself in how you characterize your actions, actions which at this point, are moot.. it's done, but you are still being hard on yourself my suggestion to you: frame the question in a way that speaks to your higher instincts.. "did you act out of conscience and good intention?" this sounds like a question from the heart, whose answer is solely for the heart
  22. mmmending
    i love this question! speaking about my ex lover.. about three months after meeting her, i came to see that i hadn't been 'in love' since my first long-term relationship.. at the time this was a huge insight for me, it was a real "oh?!" (not "aha!", but close *hear: that slightly-blind-sided-sing-song-unexpected-discovery voice*).. i had lived in the love-the-one-your-with mode for years i 'knew" as i felt the thrill of walking around with that loving presense of her inside of me.. i've never mentioned this to anybody before, but i even loved the sound of her name and would sometimes just say it quietly to myself the "knowing" came especially when doing those day-in-the-life things together.. there was a timeless aspect to them.. shopping, the dishes, sitting silently in the car eating apples and listening to the rain on the car's roof.. we shared a lot of presense together
  23. mmmending
    i see the original post is more than two years old, and hopefully in that time either your bf has seen the error of his ways, or perhaps you have moved onto greener pastures.. moot point.. the number of previous partners is irrelevant (as you noted).. in fact this has the whiff of a smoke screen.. whatever the basis of his resistance, just sounds like he's dumping as an avoidance tactic did you bring to his attention that old addage "you've gotta give good head to get good head!" ?? sounds like you're doing your bit, and *ahem* bf needs to get busy developing his jaw muscles and learning to breathe through his ears
  24. mmmending
    for many of us, this is likely what really is at issue.. we attempt to "think' our experience rather than live it.. i remember once watching a friend taking another friend to task on something and at one point leaned forward exasperated and said something like "you've invented this reality in words and all you're doing is talking about the words!!!".. this stayed with me as it seemed really insightful pause for a moment and see if what in fact you're reacting to is something you've actually lived or are living, or is it something that you've anticipated, or constructed in your mind.. i see myself reacting to any manner of passing mind states which if i really look at them, have nothing to do with actual experience/living.. it's just thinking.. all that is really happening is me spinning off into some story that exists only in my mind.. i try to control my experience.. in the end all i can genuinely do is live it at the same time, i'm not advocating that a person go about their business without thoughtful reflection the great wisdom in dako's advice about doing nothing, is that it gives pause for reflection to see what "really" is going on.. no one ever remembers what you didn't do
  25. mmmending
    unsolicited matchmaking seems on par with unsolicited advice.. all about control, in my view
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