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About Me

  1. I have dealt with anxiety off and on for about 30 years (probably more, except I used to call it "stressing out"). Do those of you who experience anxiety find that it increases and decreases sometimes multiple times per day, even sometimes minute to minute? I am sitting in front of my computer attending a virtual training class, I felt OK, then out of nowhere I started feeling that familiar feeling where I can sense the anxiety creeping up. And sometimes it just slams me unexpectedly. Is this "normal" for anxiety sufferers?
  2. My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 13. Our relationship has always been one of strong friendship, love and occasional intimacy; neither of us have ever had a big sex drive, outside of the first year or so of our relationship. We've had several in depth chats about our relationship since the start of the year and basically she's admitted to me that she's no longer in love with or physically attracted to me, but loves me dearly, see's me as her best friend, still wants to stay together and occasionally share intimate moments. Upon reflection this discussion is something we've actually been skirting around for years. We both agree that we want to stay together and make the marriage work in our own unique way, remaining best friends with occasional benefits. Whilst I stand by our decision, I'm still 'in love' with my wife and I'm very much sexually attracted to her. I fear losing her and these thoughts are starting to consume me. Throughout COVID, my wife has formed new friendships via a fan blog and in all honesty at times speaking in the chat has consumed her life, there were even times when she was staying up nearly all night just so she didn't miss out on anything. I suppose on some level I feel jealous that she is focusing her time in this chat, but what I have noticed is that she has had a sort of sexual awakening; they discuss everything, nothing is off limits, even talking about their sex lives, the fact some of them cheat and are looking for something new etc. There is a lot more to this actually and I could type for hours, but I do feel that my wife is starting to think a little differently about things; she's already admitted to me that she regrets not having a more promiscuous youth and has started discussions and told me things over the past couple of weeks that have made me ponder things. I also have a habit of not having a filter and responding with the first thing that comes into my head, which causes issues and results in something that should have been a brief flippant chat to a 3 day overthought marriage counselling session. I want to add that we both trust each other implicitly, we both have traditional values and categorically would never do anything with anyone else behind each others back, that would never be a consideration. We've always said that if our marriage ever reached that point, then we'd have a conversation, reevaluate and take things from there. So I KNOW she would never do anything, but I suppose I have serious fear that is something which is on the horizon. We have talked loads over the past couple of weeks, but I have a habit of going over and over the same information until it falls into place (I have mild autism), whereas my wife has processed this already and is starting to get frustrated and uninterested in my constant asking of questions etc. She sufferes from anxiety and depression herself, so this isn't really helping her personal situation. I suppose I'm just hoping to get things off my chest and seek some guidance, I don't have many 'close' friends and I certainly wouldn't discuss this with them; I am very traditional and don't want people knowing my personal business. I have made arrangements to see a counselor, but I can't see her until 19th July and I need to have some release before then, otherwise I go mad.
  3. Hi! I've been going out with this great girl and after last night I worried that I messed up our chemistry. We had a great third date at the end of last week where we kissed before we left. Last night she invited me over for dinner and we went on a hike. During the hike we talked and had a great time, but I wasn't feeling well (cramps) and I was so focused on how I was feeling I didn't initiate another kiss and the date just ended on a hug. I did apologize for not feeling well but she didn't really mention it in the return text. I guess I'm overthinking because I also feel like she could have kissed me if she wanted to and I wanted her to but we didn't make it happen. but I definitely don't want to just be friends. We are planning on going hiking next week and I want to try and reset, am I overthinking this whole situation or do I need to just step up my game and make it explicit that I like her romantically? Any and all advice welcome, thank you
  4. So my husband I have been married for over 13 yrs, and we just finally finished growing our family (had the amount of kids we wanted), and now I think (?) it's finally time for me to think about the future, not that I haven't been, it's just that I've been so incredibly sleep deprived or wrapped up in parenting that it's kind of been on the back burner... literally the last thing on my mind. I just had our 4th baby almost 8 months ago, and with all the COVID stuff, it's been hard, but not undoable. I don't have any help with the baby or managing my kids, outside of my husband (and he does help!), but he also works and sometimes is required to work overtime... so there were literally days with 15 hours of me being with the kids all alone, not having any break. The sleep deprivation was unlike anything I've experienced before. It's been insanely hard, but thank God we've gotten through it ok. Baby still isn't sleeping through the night, sometimes will wake up as much as 5 times (!!) but it *should* get better, I mean he's our 4th so I know how this goes... it eventually gets a little easier. It's so hilarious to us that we wanted 4 so badly, and now that we've added that 4th baby, it actually feels like we suddenly have 10 kids! LOL We have moments where we look at each other and laugh and are like, "What the HELL were we thinking?!?!" It always seems like multiple kids are needing something done - ALL at the same time! And there's only two of us, so even when he IS here, it's just insane! I used to have an anxiety problem, and unfortunately even though it was gone for years due to just managing it well, it's come back full force with the post partum hormones plus trying to stay on top of everyone's needs. I don't really take care of myself as well, but it's kind of necessisary right now because kids' needs sometimes need to be met immediately (food/potty issues, diapers). I don't want to be put on meds for anxiety ... So it's kind of awful trying to see if I can self-manage again, and yet not having any help with the baby due to the COVID restrictions (even my parents are terrified because my husband is constantly potentially exposed). Self-managing anxiety when you're doing everything constantly is hard. It's hard to even write this journal and I've been interrupted several times LOL!!! If anyone has any ideas on trying to find a life balance with kids, after you've maybe lost yourself some (or a lot probably lol) that would be so appreciated. I do feel like I've lost myself a bit. But I barely even have time to go to the restroom (and showers are even harder to come by LOL). How can you find time for hobbies again, when I can barely even use the restroom Maybe I need to accept now just isnt the time?
  5. I really like this girl that I work with and we’ve been on a few dates. I’m 17 f and shes 19 f. We both have never dated anyone else or even had our first kiss. I was the one to ask her out and things have been going good, I know she’s interested in me, but she’s just so damn anxious. I know it’s not her fault but I have anxiety issues too and things are just not progressing because of this. I made the leap and hugged her, but I can’t make a move beyond that. I thought she may be opposed to affection so we had a conversation about boundaries and she assured me that I wouldn’t make her uncomfortable with anything. The most affectionate thing we’ve done is hug and we didn’t even do that until our 3rd date. I just don’t know how to get her to stop being so nervous. She keep apologizing for “being awkward” and I keep reassuring her but she never calms down at all. She literally just left my house less than an hour ago, I initiated a hug before she left, and it was a normal hug, but she’s so anxious that she thought she messed it up somehow. After we hugged, she said,”sorry Im so awkward.” What do I do? She’s technically the “boy” in the relationship, and I don’t want to overstep. I hate the idea of taking the more dominant role, and I really don’t want to be the one leading the pace. I need her to make the next move. She’s made it clear that she enjoys being the “man” in the relationship- so how do I make her comfortable enough to do that?
  6. Me and my girlfriend have been going through a rough patch at the moment due to me developing health anxiety and minor depression and it has really taken a toll on us but she stuck with me through it all, I noticed a distance in her and we discussed and sorted it all out and we were on the road to being happy again. Last night I had an opportunity to read her messages as I knew she'd been texting a guy she slept with a long time ago (I know I shouldn't have gone through her phone but I was drunk and my anxiety got the better of me) there were some flirty texts there and I noticed when she wasn't replying or talking to me she had been chatting away to this guy in massive paragraphs and cheeky flirty messages such as talking about what she was wearing to an Ann summers party and saying she wished she was with him when he mentioned he wished she was there. I brought it up to her and she said it meant nothing and that was the way her and this guy had always talked to eachother, she acknowledged it was flirty and apologised saying she would cut all contact with him to which I said I don't want her to do that as I don't want to be the reason she loses a friend. Since this happened she has told me she thought nothing of what was said and she loves me and wants to do anything to make it up to me that she can and that the shady buisness stops here or our relationship does. The question is do I forgive her, I understand why she was pushed away due to our relationship troubles but I thought we were getting better, I'm just a bit confused and need someone to advise me on if I should end it now or forgive her and move on, If I trust her when she says nothing was going to come out it and she will never do it again I open myself up to being a pushover and it happening again and in my current head state I dont think I can do this again, somebody please help
  7. So here's the situation; I and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. This year is our 3rd. Here's what transpired: My boyfriend has a private Instagram account. So evidently sometime last year around the summer, he followed or she requested to follow him. I'm not certain who followed who But I noticed that they had messaged each other. I need to provide more context first my boyfriend has a past, He used to be promiscuous with women, some case would have multiple girlfriends simultaneously. He used so many dating apps and in fact he followed a bunch of them on social media and has them on a messaging app. ( some of them he had s*x with or intended to.) and collected images with them and of them nude, Explained to me his goal used to be to try have intercourse with as many women as he could. He was transparent about a lot of his past but probably he may have not told me everything. He explains to me how natural he feels around me & how much he's changed and that he realized how immature & narcissistic he used to be. I want to believe him and he assures me who he is today isn't who he was back then and how grateful he was that he that wasn't the version of him I met. So far, he has demonstrated that in some respects & We are a devoted and joyful relationship and live together, I know he isn't sleeping around anymore. however, the thing that makes it troubling is he still hasn't deleted any of these women on social media or any messaging apps including an old long-time ex who still attempts to communicate with him and is clearly still attached to him. She apparently made some judgmental remarks on me and does this with every girl he's dated after her. He claims she has moved on but her actions speak otherwise. He ignores her now & If he has deleted any of these previous women it's a very small amount but I have yet to see that he has. He insists it's because there's so many or that he's lazy. I admit that I have really bad social anxiety which does affect my relationships sometimes. Despite that, it's in no way comparable to when I was significantly younger. Looking at how much I've grown I'm confident concerning who I am and how much I have changed. I'm trying to remain calm and not always assume the worst. Some of the roots I believe may about my past and the experiences I've had. So it's mostly for this reason that I am very hard to trust people. But I have begun to trust him after a certain point in our 1st year. There is an issue, however, for a while, my boyfriend frequently requests me to change certain ways about my look. For instance, he would keep suggesting me to dye my hair red due to the fact that he's into gingers. I told him that the shade he wanted didn't go well with my skin tone and that I didn't like it. Or keep nagging me to lift weights. Also by no means am I not unhealthy or unattractive physically. I'm a really skinny 4-foot girl with C-cup breasts. I try to walk and move around and we eat plenty of veggies and fruits. but nowadays, I've been busy studying lately and it's not been a priority or an interest to lift weights or have a strict workout routine but if I do it it'll be my choice in the future and I've told him this on a few occasions. To be entirely honest, him annoying me about it is making me lose any possible motivation to try it. He insists it's for my health but I don't believe that's the full reasoning behind it. I see him make commentary about women who work out and lift weights. As an example, he will say that a girl has a nice ass, and then if I ask him about my ass he'll say it's cute. Sounds to me like he's saying it to avoid hurting my feelings. Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that. Surely, if the change is for the better & I'll consider it but I also want to feel the personal motivation and have the time to do these sorts of things. Not just to satisfy someone else. I strive to be my best self but I also wish he could understand my perspective on why I don't desire either right now. So this girl's account is private so I made an anonymous account, followed her, and I looked and saw he had liked 2 photos from her account. One is of her in a tight dress. Her ass is facing the camera and you can see her boobs which are huge. The other is of her doing squats. I don't want to be irrational but this did hurt me and I don't know how to process this. For some time now he hasn't been liking any women's photos but he then he liked hers all of a sudden. I didn't wanna bring it up and make a big deal about it. So just to see what exactly was going on. I'll admit I looked at his DMs She messaged him first. At approximately 8 at night The messages went something along these lines; Her: Hello Him : Heyy how are you feeling? Her: very well and you? Him: I feel good(says something about a book he's reading) she likes this message Her: Oh that's cool He then ask if she's in a certain branch and the military and she confirms that she is. She then asks his profession and he tells her. Her: Aww that's nice Him : Yes where do you live? She tells him she lives in a city in our state about 2-3 hours from us. Her: Where do you live? Him: (Our city name) We're not that far She says that they aren't very far but tells him that she has been away from home awhile Her: Though coming back to the states anytime soon. Him : Oh where are you now? She then tells him that's she's in some foreign country in the middle east. Now he didn't say anything else after this. I again noted that a lot of time had passed and nothing came of it. Though I didn't feel it appeared platonic based on the photos he had liked and how flirty he came across with the emojis and such. On Instagram, we send each other cute animals, so one day we were cuddling in bed and when he opened his DMs I saw it again. I asked who she was and his immediate response was that he ignored her. But It's clear he didn't and was becoming really defensive. I asked him to look me in eyes & please tell me the truth but he couldn't keep a straight face every time I asked. He said he was grinning cause he thought it was ridiculous. His reaction of course made me feel anxious and skeptical. Afterward, I discovered he deleted the messages. So my questions are 1. Why do you think he deleted them? 2. Do you believe I have any justification to feel suspicious about this situation? They don't know each other and the probable hood of them meeting may not happen but I can't help but at least be uncomfortable with him following and messaging girls like this. Especially if he's going to be checking them out like that. 3. How do I resolve the situation? I understand it may seem difficult to believe but I trust that he won't genuinely cheat on me. but girls hit on him all the time, So much that it began to truly get on my nerves after it occurred so frequently. They don't know me or anything. Though, He makes our relationship public and has photos of me and him everywhere. Most of them know we are together but don't comprehend nor care about boundaries. Plus these remarks he makes about my appearance don't help much either. I don't want to feel like this. I love him, He's a wonderful boyfriend. I don't imagine he isn't attracted to me but I want to discover a way to communicate that even though yes he is with me and I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me. This is all especially hard given some of his interactions with women. I attempted to reflect and examine if I'm a hypocrite and do this too. But I never compare him like this to other men, I always tell him how handsome he looks. I don't try to pressure him to change his appearance to satisfy me, I may make a suggestion here and there like a shirt or something I think he'd like. But I don't make a big deal or constantly bring it up like him. I also receive messages sometimes that are flirty, I normally block them, ignore them or instruct them to get lost and that's the end of it. I showed him I have removed these sorts of men from my past and present that may be problematic and I don't have any exes still around. So I don't comprehend why he does and doesn't any of this. Any advice would be helpful, I think we may just need to communicate and I need to understand what he is thinking and feeling. How maybe it is from his perspective.
  8. My boyfriend (BF) (31) and I (23) have been in a relationship for 7 months and things are starting to get semi serious! I am debating moving in with him and getting a job in his town after grad school ends in May. He also wants to propose in August! This is a huge step for me, and I am getting a bit nervous about this because we had a very rocky start and I still get anxious about the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship. First, I want to mention the things that I love about him. I love his commitment to me. He has consistently been mentioning marriage to me and I haven't seen this in any the guys I have dated before me. His parents are also wonderful and I freaking love them. I also have full access to his phone (this is also a con lol) and for sure, he does not currently text anyone from his past or have weird things. We had such a rocky start in the beginning of our relationship that was both of our faults which center around his past. Here is some information about them because there are a lot of people in this story and I think it will get confusing: Exes: - G4 is a high school teacher who BF dated for half a year but broke up because she wasn't really interested in him. He started dating me about six months after their breakup. - G3 is a girl he dated for about a year starting in 2017. This was a long distance relationship. He was basically one step away from proposing to her right before they broke up. Apparently he texted and met up with G1 during his relationship with her as well. - G2 is a girl he dated in grad school. Apparently he really really liked her but then she left and went to a different grad school. -G1 was his first girlfriend and they've been friends for a while before that. Crushes: - FZ is a "friend" who basically friend zoned him but sort of lead him on all through grad school, and he openly admitted to having a crush on. Apparently everyone in his cohort said he was in love with her, and his friends refer to her as his "baggage." He basically lived with her all throughout grad school and did relationship-like things with her. She was also his "pseudo-girlfriend" when she was on breaks between boyfriends and basically kept him around so he could help her on homework. She got married to another guy, FZH, and she would call BF to take her side whenever they were having marital issues. She was basically his "female best friend" but it was pretty sketchy. -L is a girl that BF works with. BF and L got into a conversation about wanting to be friends with benefits earlier last year, but nothing ever came of it. -A is another girl that makes me feel weird about BF. BF went to college with A but nothing ever happened. She moved away and got a boyfriend who nobody really likes. However, there were multiple messages on BFs phone (before we started dating) to other people saying how he wished he had dated her, how lucky the man who is going to marry her is going to be, how he felt obligated not to support her in a relationship, etc. Briefly mentioned: - DS: BF matched with her on a dating app before I got together with him. - DM is a girl he was flirting with literally hours before we decided to become girlfriend and boyfriend. My situation: So the first relationship problem started with FZ. BF would always bring this girl up in pretty much every conversation we had. I was getting annoyed with it because it sounded like he was reminiscing on weird things that they did together. One example is he talked about the time when he picked a fight with a guy at a bar because he offended her. Another time he told me about the time he fell asleep on the couch with her and they woke up holding hands. And then he told me about her crazy ex and how he took her in when she finally got the nerve to break up with him. These stories would be told to me multiple times. I even started playing a game with myself to see how soon he would bring her up in a conversation. FZ then started to say weird things about our relationship. She called our relationship stupid, and when BF confronted her about it, she said that she was "neutral" to us being together and that she didn't have time yet to make up her mind if I was good enough for BF. She never said that she was happy for BF. Then, she started commenting and basically staking her ground on every social media post that BF made. It got even weirder when she started messaging me little things that she knew about him that I didn't know yet. I got upset about FZ and basically told BF that (1) I didn't want to hear about her in conversation again and (2) if he was going to be friends with her then he had to either get her to apologize/stop being disrespectful or just stop being friends with her altogether. BF agreed that she was being rude and not acting like a friend at all, and he blocked her everywhere and doesn't speak to her anymore. He didn't really confront her about it but she is out of the picture so I feel fine about it now. The next thing that happened was L. I noticed that he was texting L a lot, and he basically told me about how they discussed being friends with benefits in the past. I was uncomfortable and set the boundary that I didn't want them to hang out one on one and that they should text during the day. That went well until, whenever BF would talk about me, she would just completely ignore the comment and not reply until BF sent something with a different subject. I think that was a bit disrespectful to our relationship, and I told him that basically I wan't really comfortable with him talking to her at all given their history. At first he wasn't okay with the boundary, saying "I only talk to her because of work." (Not true since their texts are completely non work related) We decided to agree that they only communicate professionally through email, and that is working fine for both of us. I am very happy about BF respecting those boundaries with FZ and L. The next issue was that I started finding random things of G3s old stuff in his house. I guess BF was not very proactive about getting rid of her old stuff, but it hurt seeing her clothes, old receipts of him buying her stuff, her old bible, etc. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but I guess it kept slipping his mind. After reminding him to get rid of her stuff multiple times, this turned into me yelling at him and he finally threw out the stuff. A similar issue that followed from this is that he had a bunch of pictures on social media from exes that made me uncomfortable and that we agreed on him deleting, but then I felt like I had to nag him after that to actually go through with it. Another issue then came. I basically started noticing that he was sort of comparing me to his exes in passing. For example, he would tell me "you actually want to hang out with me, not like G4." Or he would say "we actually communicate. G2 was a communications major and she couldn't even communicate." Or he would say that he never thought about marriage until I came along (which ended up being untrue when I found out about him almost proposing to G3). He told me about DS and told me "I turned down a lawyer for you!!" He also would just mention his exes randomly when he talked a lot and that would get me upset. I was getting so much information, like about how he "messed around" with a girl on the bus in high school and how he had sex on the floor with an ex in her room so her parents wouldn't hear. I heard all about these girls, like how one was Catholic and he was prepared to have six kids with her and he basically told me he took one of his exes virginity. Again,I told him that I was uncomfortable with that, and now he is doing a pretty good job of keeping that under control. I think at this point I felt very overwhelmed because I had never seen so many issues with other girls pop up in my past relationships. BF did tell me that I could go through his phone any time, so I took that really REALLY far and snooped through all his messages from like, the past three years. This snooping happened multiple times and I told him every time I snooped. This is obviously wrong for me to do, and I got a bunch of information that I think I shouldn't know. I learned from the messages about DS and A. I also saw old messages he had with all of his girlfriends and it basically pieced together all the information that I had about them from his stories about them. I learned that BF had hardly any conflict with them and even TMI information like that he had unprotected sex with one of them (which doesn't really bother me, it just reminds me of a very detailed conversation he had saying that he wanted to do that with me where he described exactly what would happen and now my brain is like, wow, does he know from experience or??). I also learned that two months before we started dating, he messaged all of his exes trying to spark a conversation. So basically, every time I told him about snooping through his phone, I would get upset about the little things that I learned and this would upset him. I basically was getting so insecure whenever I read the messages that I craved his validation and I would interrogate him about his past in hopes that he told me something negative about his exes. The thing is, all his girls are very similar in looks and personality, and I don't fit that standard at all, so it was making me insecure since I was comparing myself to them. I eventually realized that what I was doing was wrong, and the interrogating has stopped on my end. So now, things have leveled out, but I still can't help feeling anxious all the time. My brain comes up with scenarios (like A breaking up with her boyfriend and moving to his town, then him creating an emotional connection with her and then emotionally cheating on me, or that we will do something that he did with an ex and it won't be as good) that make me feel like I'm going crazy. I have so much anxiety about things that I fear will happen in the future that its blinding my own judgement on whether I trust him or not. BF would never cheat on me but I fear that he does not process his past relationships and drags it into our relationship. I fear that he is not over his exes and that he is comparing me to them in his head. Now that it is coming closer to the point where I may be moving in with him, I am scared. Part of me feels that without him around, I would rather move to Florida and start a job in warmer weather. I am afraid that we won't work out and that I will be stuck in his town in Maryland for a few years before I can make another move. Am I suffering from retroactive jealousy? Am I suffering from really bad anxiety? Should I be with him if I don't fully trust him right now? Am I doing anything on my end to add to this feeling/ our problems? I feel so confused and would definitely like a third party opinion.
  9. I'm not really sure where to even begin, but I think I'm starting to get a drinking problem. I don't drink every day and I don't crave it, but I do go out for drinks at least once a week. See the thing is, I don't just have a few drinks. I drink so much that I am not in control of my actions and I do really stupid . It's like I just don't know when to stop and the amount of alcohol that I actually consume is ridiculously high and whenever I'm really drunk I always intentionally make bad decisions, especially with boys. I sleep around and I have gotten with people that I'm not even into at all which I would NEVER do if I was sober. It's like I turn into a completely different person and intentionally sabotage my own life. It's a lot for my friends to put up with too, I have almost ruined friendships in the past for the stupid things that I do when I am drunk. It's like I don't even consider their feelings which is nothing like how I actually am because my friends mean the world to me and I would do anything for them and would NEVER want to hurt or make anyone upset. Then I feel horrible the next day, not only with a hangover but with crippling anxiety because of the things that I did the night before. Even if I have a good night and didn't do anything stupid I still have anxiety the next day and don't even want to leave my bed.. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm not in control of myself because no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it I still go. And I can't go and not drink at all because then I feel like I can't have fun because I feel anxious in social situations and don't know what to talk about with people when I'm sober unless I'm really close with them.... If I don't stop soon I'm going to ruin my life. Problem number 2; a lot of the time I drink, I sleep around and/or kiss different boys. Sometimes even with guys that I'm not into at all and don't really want to but do it anyway. I've been single for about 4 years now and my last relationship was definitely not ideal and I was in a really really bad place when we were together. Now I struggle to connect with boys on an emotional level, but I still can get lonely and crave affection. It's like I get the affection that I need from these boys, it's literally like I do it just because I know I'm going to get kisses and cuddled all night... It's kind of pathetic. And even if I see these guys a few times and spend the entire day with them and hang out with them on other occasions, I never open up about myself. It's like I'm unintentionally holding back my personality to prevent becoming emotionally connected to them and them to me. I honestly feel like no matter how much time I spend with a guy in that way, they never actually end up getting to know me. And then I feel really ty about it afterwards when I get home, sometimes weeks because I feel cheap. This also gives me really bad anxiety and sometimes even panic attacks because I know that everyone would talk about me and let's be honest it's probably why so many of them are interested. Even when I KNOW I'm being sweet talked and it's all bull, it still makes me feel good. It's like I feed off it and I HATE it because I think so logically and I KNOW it's wrong. And even if I ever did learn to open up to a boy and let my guard down, they would probably never want me in that way because of my promiscuity. And the fact that I have sex with them straight away (I've heard that people have called me easy in the past) would also probably rule me out as girlfriend material 100%. Idk what to do
  10. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  11. So I have been whining a lot about my anxiety, depression and fear. I would like to try to turn it around. So I am going to drop some happy/cheerful/funny thoughts here. My first one...I think it's a hoot that Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg are friends. It's so awesome that two people who come from completely different walks of life can get along so well. I also am a fan of Fred Chang who was a contestant on Master Chef US. Just adore him. Anyone have anything to add?
  12. I cant stop obssesing about my partner staying in touch with an old lover. He has been secretive about it and I've snooped his phone. He knows. I feel bad about it too but proves my fears. I wake up anxious at night. Is our relationship ruined? We have been seeing eachother for more than 2 years, we had a miscarriage right at the beginning of the relationship, the pregnancy was unplanned.. ive gotten over it and we have understood we shouldn't put ourselves in that scenario if things are so shaky. He's fantasized about having 2 partners and even though I thought i could deal with at the beginning, I realized im emotionally uncapable. I told him I couldnt and wouldnt do it. I have too many insecurity issues and I distrust my partner. He's stayed with other people in touch he was involved and says he doesn't want to be told what to do. But that he wouldn't cheat on me. He says he's not fully happy about us. Ive become quite controlling and passive aggressive and I dislike myself for it. Im trying to work on it. We've said we would try it over and over again but the fact is, i don't trust him. I have never trusted anyone in my life before as I have been hurt many times already. Weve been meditating together and say we will be sincere to each other. I want to set my boundaries and Im trying but I feel like it may be too late. We've gotten to the point in which he's supposed to move to another country with me and I believe he might end up cheating me with someone who lives there from his past. I've been seeing psychologists, Ive been meditating, trying to set myself goals and always end up in a rabbit hole of self pity and anxiety about him not respecting our relationship and setting boundaries with other women. I know all the theoretical stuff about how I should be behaving..., ask myself what kind of relationship do I want and try to work towards that but sometimes it feel like its not enough. Sometimes I feel like Ive compromised too much and weve lost respect of eachother. How do you change something like that? Were both in our late 20s beginning 30s and he wouldnt want to see a therapist together. He doesnt want it. I feel that if we dont figure out our stuff itll just keep on happening in other relationships... am I lying to myself? Also, I know snooping isnt cool, but why is there distrust? its a reaction. Also at the same time I wouldnt have a problem with him going through my stuff because I simply have nothing to hide. I feel like I wanna have that kind of closeness. He absolutely KNOWS I wouldnt do that, in a way I feel that might be the problem. I even moved countries for him and I just feel like in a way I dont even know if he will actually move countries for ME next year. I just have so much distrust. I guess I just need some perspective. Im supposed to leave for 1 or 2 months back to my home country for a while. Very uneasy about what thatll mean... how to let go and just let things unfold without feeling like Im forcing so much?
  13. I know this is a long post. I’ll put a TLDR at the end for anyone who doesn’t want to read the whole thing (TLDR=Too long, didn’t read.) I have OCD, clinically diagnosed. I was in therapy for about 5 years until very recently when my therapist retired. A lot of people don't understand this disorder. People think it's all about cleanliness, even numbers, etc. I suppose it is that for some people but not for me. Intrusive thoughts are more my thing. So anyway, back in 2006 I had the worst episode of anxiety/depression of my life. I was married at the time and I kept having dreams about my husband getting killed in car accidents and stuff. And it didn't help that his car had a gas leak and he was driving around smoking in the car knowing this. His attitude about it was "Well if I die I die." Last night I was sitting outside with my girlfriend and she was telling me about the time someone pulled a gun on her. Her job is a job that requires going to people's houses. She's a martial artist. She can take care of herself. And she used to teach a women's self-defense class. She’s kind of a badass. So hearing that story didn't really get to me as much as it would some people. Then last night I had this dream where her and I were at this large shopping center kind of place and we ran into some people she knows. She didn't introduce me and acted like I wasn't even standing there. (This is not like her at all. She would never just ignore me in that situation.) And then there was this explosion on the other side of the building and everyone was panicking. In all the chaos we got separated. As I was running out of the building another explosion went off a little closer this time. And then outside the fire department is there, there are people who are injured being treated, etc, and I couldn't find her anywhere. My phone wasn't working so I couldn't call her. I just walked away from all this and started walking home. And I ran into someone I know who had a laptop with him. I asked him if I could use his laptop thinking maybe I could try to call her on Facebook. I tried doing this but for some reason I couldn't get to her profile to call her. And then somehow my phone works again and I'm talking to my Mom. And my Mom was asking if I was alright, but I was panicking at this time and crying because I didn't know if she got out ok, etc. And then suddenly I realized this isn't really happening. I had that moment of relief that we all do when waking up from a bad dream. But then I just couldn't shake it. I kept thinking about this and I couldn't go back to sleep. So by the time my alarm went off I was pretty much having a panic attack. I decided I couldn't go to work like this. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to throw up, etc. And in the middle of all this, I am sitting at the table downstairs trying to collect myself and she came down to use the bathroom. I told her not to worry about me and to just go back to sleep. I kept trying to tell myself the universe is not that cruel. After everything I've been through in my life, she won't be taken away from me so soon, etc. But then I remembered the last time I told myself the universe isn't that cruel, the exact thing I said wouldn't happen happened. I also keep reminding myself that she didn't actually die in the dream that I'm aware of. Honestly, though, I am more worried about having another depressive episode like I had in 2006 than I am about anything happening to her. Of course, I would be devastated if something happened to her. But I know that's the less likely of the two. I am more likely to get really depressed and have a bad time for a while over this than she is likely to have something bad happen to her. I watched a movie and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up she had already left for work. She sent me a text telling me to feel better. I told her I would and I said don’t worry about my crazy ass while you’re at work. She told me she would try not to and told me to be lazy and rest today. I’m kind of glad she was gone when I woke up because I just didn’t want her to see me this way. I still haven’t decided if I will even tell her about what triggered this. She could help me feel better or she might realize how nuts I really am and want to run for the hills. I warned her when she first started pursuing me that I have some serious mental problems. She has always said it’s not anything she can’t handle. But she has also never seen me during a really bad time either. I just hope I can bounce back easily from this one and it doesn’t take over my life for weeks like these incidents have in the past. This always seems to happen at a happy time in my life too. When I was a kid if something made me happy it was taken away from me. My parents were miserable people and wanted me to be just as miserable. So as an adult I think subconsciously I am hardwired to not get too happy. Anyway, I know this is a long post, I am just looking for some support. I’m here alone trying to process all this. And do you guys think I should tell her? Thanks for reading. TLDR; I had a dream about something bad happening to my SO. Woke up and had a panic attack. I am clinically diagnosed with OCD and I am really worried this will be something I fixate on for a while.
  14. Long story short, I had a beautiful romance with a wonderful woman who treats me great, but she is a single mom with 5 kids. I found out about the kids early on, and should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy and I'd never gotten along so perfectly with any woman in my life. She saved me from terrible depression and we had great times together for 2 years, but now it's commitment time. She is financially strapped and I have been feeling bad about that since the beginning, and have helped her financially (and was happy to do so; she NEVER asked for help. I offered it unprompted.) But her being so poor really bothers me because I want her and her kids to have a safe place to live. Recently I started spending time with her kids (2 of whom are 4 and 5 yrs old and they adore me). I generally love kids and get on well with them, and her children are no exception; the problem is they're getting attached to me now, and I don't want to hurt them. She's talking about moving in together and I feel dread. Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him, but if I jump into this thing, I'll have to deal with this guy, share the kids with him, and basically give him power over my life. He can make trouble in many ways for us. I don't have an aversion to raising someone else's kids. That's not really the issue here. What I DO have a problem with is the size of this commitment (4 of these kids are still at home) and the uncertainty of dealing with the ex and whatever hassles he can send our way (which he will, I'm sure, as he'll always be angry at her for leaving him). This is not the life I envisioned for myself. So despite the fact that this woman is fantastic in every way aside from her baggage, I find myself feeling horrible dread over the prospect of moving her and her kids into my place. This woman loves me unreservedly and has told me many times that I'm the love of her life and if this doesn't work out, she's done looking for Mr Right and will remain single the rest of her life (she's 45). I'm not taking that literally, and she's beautiful so there's always going to be some man interested in her, but I feel incredibly guilty thinking about leaving because I know she'll be devastated, and knowing I really could give her and her kids a better life. The problem is, I'd be improving their lives quite possibly at the expense of my own. I don't have a lot of good years left (I'm 48) and I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago. This was my first relationship post-divorce, and it sucked me in and took me on a roller coaster ride. It's been wonderful up to this point. What kills me is I adore this woman, and I actually do like her kids, especially the 2 little ones who are so cute and lovable and full of fun. I never had kids of my own (low sperm count), but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, but my heart tortures me with guilt. Horrible, overwhelming guilt that robs me of my sleep and leaves me unable to even concentrate on anything during the day. I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I know, logically that many of my concerns are overstated. I would "only" be directly caring for 2 kids (not 5) but I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing. This could be very sweet domestic bliss or it could all go south easily. Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray? Any advice welcome!
  15. Hi everyone. I am 30 years old now and I’m starting to see for the first time certain things about my personality that I’d like to improve. I am a people pleaser and it causes much stress and anxiety if I let someone down or if I feel like I’m not doing what someone wants. For example, I am moving into a new house soon, I have been looking before covid19 lock down and started the process way before lock downs. I am about to close soon and won’t be moving until at least mid June. I am having anxiety about telling my family I got a house. I am worried they will think I am stupid for buying a house during uncertain times, and I have a family member with a weakened immune system and I feel like she will look at me like I am being an idiot for moving. (My lease is up and I need to move or resign) I have terrible time saying no to people, I worry constantly what people think of my decisions. Do I maybe need therapy? For the most part I live a normal life, with a good job, friends and family relationships are good. Is this something I can work on by myself (dealing with anxiety, people pleaser, and a bit of ocd)? Thanks
  16. So I met some and we really hit it off, pretty fast connection that was a strong connection. This went well for a few years , she gave thought to marrying me and stuff, and then she tired of some of the ways I was behaving (I have anxiety which adds to this) and at that things got called off and we barely talked at all or were barely around each other for about four years. I had been gone for over an entire year too and when I got back we actually picked up right way and over the next year and a half we actually were getting along better than we ever have, and she gave thought to marrying me again. However, my anxiety started acting up and I acted poorly, a bit clingy and so forth. ( She also thought I had OCD instead of just anxiety, so that contributed.) She was overwhelmed and it drove her away. We actually haven’t spoken for the past five years, but have a lot of mutual friends. Since I’ve gotten a handle of my anxiety and have learned a lot about relating to people, such as I wouldn’t be clingy and would be casual and relaxed about everything. Is it completely unrealistic that I might be able to tell her how my life is doing much better one day? Also, just last night I had a dream where a group of friends of mine and I were at a mall and I told one of my closest friends I still have feelings for this Woman, which really surprised me. What might a dream like that mean? Thank you.
  17. I've been seeing a guy for some time. We've both told each other that we really like each other, and we've talked a lot about a future together. However, my guy suffers from crippling anxiety. He told me he didn't used to have it, and thinks he's gotten better over time. I wonder if he's really just adapting to it. I think it's worse than he believes. He can't go to certain places or do certain things, for fear of having an anxiety attack. At times, he says he "can't handle" people and shuts down. He has a "comfort zone" of about 60 miles in radius, which he can't leave. He can go to the grocery or work, but I think he has to stick to a slight routine. It's frustrating that his doctor just prescribes him pills. I don't think his doctor ever suggests he sees a therapist or support group. I've tried to gently suggest therapy, but he has no interest in going. In the end, I drop it and don't push it. The problem is I don't feel like I can always talk to him. I try to be understanding about his anxiety, but how much is too much? I start to wonder if he's actually just taking me for granted...or maybe even playing games. I don't know what to think at this point. Whenever I try to state what I need out of this relationship or we begin to disagree on something, I think it starts to trigger an anxiety attack in him. He will either verbally lash out and abruptly end things, only to come back a few days later...or he will just shut down and push me away for some time. I try to give him space and wait until he reaches out. When we end up talking again, he usually brings up what happened and wants to talk about it. Yet, he never fully apologizes unless I directly tell him how much he hurt me. He also reassures me that he doesn't want me to feel like I can't speak freely; he wants me to tell him whenever something is bothering me. It's very annoying when I hear him say that. I don't know what to do, because whenever I do try to state what's bothering me, he gets triggered all over again. I know it's not healthy, and it's really hurtful. I realize I can't and shouldn't continue a relationship with him, unless he's willing to go to therapy. It's starting to affect my self-esteem and mental health a lot. But I don't know how to say this, without him getting defensive. I want to be understanding and supportive. I want to give him space when he needs it. I just can't keep going on with the way things are. It's tearing me apart. If anything, I'd like to be a friend to him. My friends aren't helpful in advice. One says I should just let it go and give him space when he needs it, because it's probably very hard for him. The other says I should dump him. Right now, my guy and I aren't speaking again. I've written down a few things that I want to say to him, but I'm not sure which is the right step to take. 1. Should I just give him space and wait for him to reach out again? 2. Do I contact him and ask if we can talk? 3. Do I send a text saying that I can't do this anymore and can only be friends? I would really like to remain friends, if that's all we can do. I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him. We have a lot of fun together. I don't want to have to say goodbye. :( I hope I can hear some replies from people who have had or do suffer from a similar form of anxiety. Even if you don't, I'd like to hear your perspective. Thank you.
  18. Hello all, I'm trying to balance my mental health a little as I think my break up definitely wobbled it a little. I found out my ex was on a dating website, which now I have accepted as she is totally free to do as she wishes. I decided it may be good for me to do so to. I went on the same one as her, not to spy before anyone says! It just seemed it would be the best one for me in terms of opportunities and the fact it's free! It would appear she has hidden her profile as she didn't appear on the search for my town-a blessing in disguise as we won't stumble across each other - but when I clicked the "who viewed me" tab, it showed she had looked at my profile-this would have been few weeks back though as I did log on when I recieved an email telling me I had a message- It showed her as online but I have heard that sometimes these sites aren't fully accurate with the online status. I am assuming she has hidden her profile as at this stage, with lockdown, she may have seen it as a waste of time and will unhide it when things return to normal, this kind of gives me a little relief as deep down I would love to sort things with her. Alternatively she may be hidden and is now chatting to the people that messaged her before she made her profile hidden. Either way, I don't know how best to focus my mind as I think either thought process will cause me unwanted stress or anxiety
  19. I have been together with my partner for 5 and half years now. We love each other and don't have much problems. However, there is one problem, that we face on a regular basis, which is my anxiety about him. In the beginning we were living in for about 2 years, after which he moved back to his hometown for career prospects. I also moved to another city. We don't have issues in our long distance relationship, however, sometimes I become very worried about his whereabouts. We have been in a LD relationship for around 3 years now, and we both have a high trust factor. We call one another quite frequently almost 6 to 7 times a day. I get really worried if he does not call me after reaching home. Since his office is quite distant from his residence. He uses train and busses, and it takes almost 2 hours for him to reach home. If he does not call me after reaching I become very scared. Sometimes it takes more than 4 hours for him to reach, because of traffic. Even though I know this, I become extremely worried. Sometimes he does not charge his phone, and this makes me even more worried because I can't call him. Even though he knows about my anxiety, he still refuses to carry a charger or borrow from someone else, blaming me, that I am the only one, who gets too worried. I don't know what to do, and I become very scared please give me your advice.
  20. My boyfriend and I are very open with our phones and tablets so we know each other’s passcodes. I was on his tablet trying to find a video when I came across a hidden album. It had videos of him having sex with other women before we had gotten together. Am I valid to be upset that he still has these? Should I confront him about the videos? Please help. It’s causing me a lot of anxiety.
  21. My fiance and I were together for 14 years and broke up in January and I'm still not over it, so I'm moving 1000 miles away to Florida to "start a new life" and work and go to college and everything. In the back of my mind I feel like if I go so far away it will mean that there is no possibility of my ex ever coming back in the future, even though he's been dating his coworker since he left. He also told me not to go because I'd hate it and that's playing over and over in my mind. I'm having a really hard time with the anxiety of moving forward and starting over especially so far away. Any advice would be really helpful!
  22. This is a really complicated story and very hard for me to write. I was with my fiance for 3 years and our relationship was fabulous. We were close and very much in love. He had some issues and jealousy with a close male friend of mine that I have known for over 20 years and I ended up choosing my relationship with my fiance and letting my friend go. This was a number of years ago and all has been ok since. Over the last 12 months I have started battling with anxiety and it has gotten worse despite being on medication and seeing Drs. It had turned into panic attacks and agoraphobia. I was finding it hard to even leave the house and my Dr recommended I take some leave from work. I advised my boss (I am a subcontractor) and after 5 years of service for the same company I was dismissed overnight without even a thank you as they couldn't understand what anxiety is and why I needed leave. Just like that my world fell apart. No job and no income and battling anxiety. I told my fiance what had happened and he told me not to worry that with my skill set he was sure he could help me get some remote work that I could work from home. I was so happy to hear this and he said he was going to drive to see someone he knew to ask him would he consider speaking to me and giving me some remote work. I loaned my fiance $150 to go see this person he knew who may hire me. Everything was great - no arguments, total support from my fiance. I was feeling blessed. Then suddenly he went offline and I couldn't reach him online or through his phone and this is odd he always has his phone with him. I thought he must have had an accident so I frantically began calling his friends and family and they assured me he was alive and well with no accident. I didn't know what to do - I realised he had blocked me. But why? A few days later the $150 appeared as a depost in my bank account and no word from him. It has been a few months now and no word from him. My close male friend of 20 years who I haven't spoke to for years made contact with me just a few days ago to tell me that my ex had contacted him and threatened to kill him and told him to stay away from me. I don't know why he contacted my friend from all those years ago that I no longer talk to. My ex has since made contact with me and wants to come back. I asked why he left me the way he did and he said he is an honest person and doesn't feel I was being honest with him about my anxiety and work situation and he is putting all this back on me. He is not accepting any responsibility for this and says he wants to come back and make a new start and that he loves me. I love him but i don't trust him anymore. How could he leave me like that at my lowest point when I needed him most. I feel like i can't trust him or lean on him anymore if anything was to happen in my life. He has not apologised as he said he has done nothing wrong and his exact words were 'when there is no transparency i like to be away' Is he a narcissist? What do I do? Please help.
  23. I am a fifty-year-old man. Al my ex-partners are very nice people and very beautiful. I consider my self lucky to be with them. I had many long term relationships but, now I know, I was never in love. I was with them because they wanted to be in relationship with me and I couldn't fault them. Two months ago I meet someone new. She is a friend of my friend and she lives in the US. All our communication were on Viber. I got photos from her and, to me, she was the most beautiful women I thought I had. She wasn't young, 45 yo, but I could not find any downsides which I would consider important to me. In fact, I never wanted someone too young. To me, she was perfect: intelligent, caring, funny with the most beautiful smile. We got along straight away and exchanged lots of romantic and humorous messages. It was weird how everything fit together. At one point I wrote to her how I feel but in order to continue, we had to see each other, at least on a video call to talk. I am currently having an extremely difficult time personally and I had developed anxiety. I wanted to tell her about my problems and to see how she would perceive it. It was very important to me that she knows all about me. We felt so much in love. She said she never felt so happy. I said I could not function. I guess it was more me than her but she conceded to me a few times that she never felt so strongly about anyone. I kept trying to talk to her but, even after we would agree to talk, she would just ignore it. She said that she had trust issues and she is trying to take baby steps in order to not get hurt. To me it was the opposite way: if we continue like we were, we would hurt each other even more. I felt almost disillusioned how much I was in love with her. It was scary. So I sent her my video message. She said she couldn't stop watching the video. She loved my voice, my look..but ignored my message again... We agreed to meet in Europe in a few months time. I was getting very nervous because I was not ready due to my temporary problems. She had two daughters and I had one. She could not see herself living far away from her children although she always dreamt to go back and live in the Mediterranean. On the other side, my daughter would not accept that I could go away. I couldn't leave her. In my head, it was impossible to solve the problem. At last, I managed to see her. It was morning in the US and she just got up. I insisted to talk to her. I said jockingly if we don't talk I would go on strike. She called me and I saw her for the first time. I felt even more in love. I was speechless. It was surreal. I was looking at her and she was staring at me. We were so much in love. After a few minutes, the line got cut of. As I was using pay as you go mobile package, I went outside to get some MB. I tried to call her back but she didn't reply. I was waiting 24 hours for a reply. I wrote to her that I had to tell her something. She joked that I am giving up the strike. I wrote that I no longer wish to continue with her. I wished her all the best. She only replied in a few words why she didn't respond. She blocked me and I had no chance to respond to say that I am sorry. I desperately tried to find her email on the net. After two days I found her on WhatsApp. I asked her to forgive me for what I did, I felt like an idiot and I was ashamed what I did to her, but I respect her decision not to communicate and not to come back to me. It was clear to me that she did not want to continue so I did not insist. I explained that I had a truly life-changing problem to solve in my life, and for the moment I lost it, due to my anxiety. I couldn't think clearly. Many hours later she replied that she was very hurt but due to her trust issues she developed with her ex she is not willing to risk it again. She blocked me. I am not sure how all this happened but I never felt so much in love. I know, it's odd because we met on Viber. That is very strange but it did happened. I am so in love and knowing that she is suffering makes me very sad...I am not a desperate man. I had many relationships in the past and I have confidence in myself. I can't get her out of my head. I am not a person to beg but knowing that she loves me and due to the trust issues she can't come back to me, makes me confused. I am very committed, honest person and I never cheated in my previous relationships. I made myself irresistible to her, I know how to do that. I don't feel guilty about that. I was honest. One silly mistake does not make me a horrible person. I didn't cheat her, I didn't kill anyone. I had a moment in my life and I admitted my mistake straight away. But she is gone. I feel we both lost something big. I don't know whether to forget her or try another way to approach her. Perhaps I should give some time to both of us. I would like to ask, especially ladies with trust issues, what you think I should do. How would you react if I got in touch?
  24. i really have everything in life. i have really nice parents, two brothers who love me, the best and funniest friends in the world, i draw quite well for someone my age (15), and (used to) have good grades, but due to anxiety issues my grades dropped a little, from A to B- or C. I don't know why my mental health is so debilitated, i don't have any major trauma or anything like that. I started being anxious/depressed one year an a half ago, maybe because of stress from school, but there aren't many people who have the same problems as me at my class. I take lots of medicine, but those don't seem to work as well as i wanted to, it just prevents me from suiciding instantly, wich i've tried two times. i really wanted to take this out of my chest, thanks if you read it till here.
  25. We were dating for a year, and I thought everything was going really well. I was doing my best to be open and communicative etc And believed he was being truthful and communicative with me. When I brought up the prospect of moving in together in the future and things got weird right after. I was broken up with, and told that I was more stress than I was worth, that he actually hadn't loved me for a while, that I have a different view of what a relationship is because I want to hang out more than he does and that it was really hard to love me because I was open about struggling with anxiety issues from time to time. Two days later he came back to me saying that he made a mistake and truly loved me and wanted to work on things. He assured me he just panicked and didn't mean any of what he said and that he thought that is just what you say during breakups. I took him back, and over the next two weeks he was extremely loving/overly nice telling me he loved me a ton, reassuring me this was true when we were intimate as I was super nervous to be intimate again after being broken up with the first time. He slept over one last time and we slept together in the morning, he told me he loved me multiple times when I dropped him off at home. The next night we were talking on the phone and I said, "just checking in, how are you feeling about things right now is there anything I can do to improve?" And he sprung it on me "Actually I need to break up with you". He came over, (it was about midnight at this time and he knew that I had 2 big shows to play the next day) and told me he mistook guilt for love and that he didn't love me at all, that I have large character flaws he can not deal with such as me not being confident enough on stage (I am a musician and get stage fright, but I still play a ton of shows and no one other than those closes to me would know I struggle with this) told me that he wished I played in more bands like I used to (I recently quit a few projects to focus on one I'm really passionate about, and had quit a band because I had been assaulted by a member in it and my partner continued playing shows with this person after despite me saying it hurt me) and told me he wishes I was more outgoing (I struggle with anxiety but I still find I am a very personable and outgoing person). He also told me he doesn't want to support me while going I go to counseling as it is more stress than its worth. He then accused me of begging and pleading him to be in a relationship with me ( I did not feel I was doing this as I was just trying to share my side of feelings and understand how a switch could flip overnight). I have truly never felt so disoriented to have someone change and act emotionless out of the blue. I understand that it is okay to breakup, I just felt absolutely crushed as he had never communicated any issues to me and I felt that my character was ripped apart and that the breakup was my fault when I genuinely would have been so open to communication and willing to work on any issues. Its been just over a month since everything happened and I have found it incredibly hard to move on. He refused to talk to me for 2 weeks right after he ended things and told me if I really wanted to talk we could meet in exactly two weeks. Despite me asking for sooner, I had to wait for 2 weeks (I can understand boundaries, I just felt like it was a way to control my response as I was really upset and he wasn’t taking any accountability =( ). I had asked for him to meet me in the middle at under two weeks so I could move forward, but got no response. When we met, I found myself apologizing for being emotional and hurt, and he stated that "good, you should be sorry” and that “He said some , but wouldn't have had to say any of it if I hadn't pressured him for reasons and he needed to say those things in order for me to know his decision was final" After all of this, I have been feeling really low on myself. I feel embarrassed that I reacted so emotionally and sent him texts going back and forth between being sorry, angry, and missing him. I also feel embarrassed that I ended up being the one to apologize/feel like I did something wrong when he was the one who dumped me suddenly and had essentially lied to me for months while continuing to have sex with me and tell me he loved me. How can I begin to move forward? I feel really lost and hurt. I feel I am longing for him to acknowledge that how he treated me at the end was incredibly hurtful instead of the "Breakups always suck, it would have been out of the blue no matter what, you are over reacting and not being pragmatic" responses that I have received
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