malcontent

My ex and I broke up at the end of February. We had been together for close to two years, but the relationship really wasn't good. I harbored a lot of resentment towards her because she was extremely manipulative and I constantly felt like I was being controlled. Granted, if I'd been a more effective communicator or if I'd just put my foot down sooner, I probably could have spared us both a lot of misery. Anyway, I technically broke up with her, but she instigated both the fights that led to the break up. She already had another guy lined up; some drunk who sits at the bar at the pub where she waits tables part-time. I've known the guy my whole life, he's a friend's father. Even though she and I were, for all intents and purposes, done, it angered me that she was working on setting up a new relationship before we had dealt with our existing relationship. I also have some serious problems with this guy disrespecting me by being "that guy" for three months knowing full well she and I were still together. Nothing physical happened between them, but emotional betrayal hurts, too. From my perspective she showed zero respect for my feelings during the break up. I know she has to look out for herself and whatnot, but immediately flaunting a new relationship all over town really stung. I'm more a fan of the "cool down period" following a break up, where both parties suffer through the emotional pain alone and with the support of friends and family as opposed to immediately rebounding. We talked a little bit following the break up, but I started to realize that I always felt worse following a conversation than I did when we didn't speak. I started doing NC about six or seven weeks ago and it's been good for me. She called a lot for the first three weeks, leaving these sobbing messages about how she misses me so much and just wants to talk to me. Blah, blah, blah. I neither answered nor returned any of her calls. Last week I decided to text her to ask her to send me the money she owes me. She didn't respond. I was driving through town and I saw her walking on the sidewalk so I pulled over to ask her about the money. Things quickly devolved and I said some pretty mean things....basically preyed on her greatest insecurities (I asked her if she'd gained weight and told her she could turn some tricks to earn the money she owes me because that'd just be doing what came naturally to her). I know it wasn't right, but I still did it anyway. There is no way we would ever get back together. I know I can do better and I think there's just been too much hurt and pain between the two of us. It's extra hard because I really grew close to her three and a half year old son and I really miss the interaction with him - more so than I do with her. I feel somewhat badly for being so mean to her, but I've been feeling like she bypassed the pain of the break up by losing herself in a new relationship right away. I just wanted to share a little pain with her, I guess. To sum it up there is nothing she could do to get me back into a relationship with her. I would, however, be willing to use her for sex.

Wow, that's quite a dilemma. I'm not sure what your best plan of action would be, but I can definitely understand why you'd be hesitant at this point to allow your relationship to progress past the friend stage. The last thing you'd want is to end up playing the role of emotional band-aid to get her through this undeniably difficult period in her life, but by the same token you don't want to lose her because you resisted advancing the relationship. I guess if I were in your shoes I'd let her know how you feel about her but explain to her how you'd be more comfortable waiting until everything has settled down for her so that you can be sure you're moving the relationship forward for the right reasons. At the same time, I'd let her know that you want to be there for her in every way possible in the mean time, but that for both your sakes you feel you should wait a little while longer.

I wouldn't automatically assume that it's you that's the problem. I have a pretty long history of avoiding serious relationships myself, and it's always been a defense mechanism I've used to avoid being hurt. Maybe his last relationship ended so badly that he's completely terrified of revisiting that pain. Maybe with everything that's on his plate in terms of his ill health he just honestly doesn't feel like he can put forth the effort necessary to sustain a relationship. As long as he's not out trying to pick up other women, I'd take what he's saying at face value and just give him some space.

Here's my take on things: You should't have been looking for other men while you were still with your ex-boyfriend. That shows a blatant lack of respect for him, his feelings, and your relationship with him. I've been in a situation with a woman (my most recent ex) who did the same thing to me repeatedly. Granted, I wasn't happy in the relationship, either, but I never went out looking to meet her replacement while we were still together. There's something about that type of behavior that to me just smacks of desparation, insecurity, selfishness, immaturity, and low self-esteem. So you managed to find a rebound who you're not really into? To be honest, he sounds like a total loser to me. If he knows you're still hung up on your ex and yet he still wants to be with you he's either a) using you for sex or b) has no self-esteem or self-respect or c) both. I also don't think it's appropriate for you to expect your ex to stop going places he knows you'll be. Why don't you stop going places you know he'll be? Exactly, you wouldn't do that, either. Just because you chose to end the relationship and shatter any trust he may have had for you doesn't mean that he needs to change his routines to accommodate your insecurities. Why don't you try being single for a while and learn some independence? It'd probably do you a world of good.

Hey, I can definitely relate to hating the magazines at my therapist's office; who wants to read about yachts or read Ladies Home Journal? Not I. Anyway, how committed are you to therapy? I sort of gather from the excerpt you posted that you might not be completely honest with your therapist. I'd say that if she's worth her salt, she probably knows. However, as someone who managed to pull the wool over his therapist's eyes for nearly two years, that's not always the case. I've been going to my therapist for going on three years now, and I can honestly say that it wasn't until my last relationship ended that I really decided to start working on things for real. It seemed like I'd just been going through the paces to keep my mom and my girlfriend off my back, but I wasn't really committed to learning more about who I am or what makes me tick. That's changed in recent months and I now leave therapy with a lot more to think about and I actually feel like I'm making progress. I'm sorry to hear that you feel like there's something missing in your life; especially since you don't know what it is. That's a tough place to be. Oh, I also think I read in another one of your posts that your mom thinks you might have bipolar disorder. I've been diagnosed with bipolar II, and believe me, it's a b*tch. The downs are almost incapacitating and the ups, while EXTREMELY enjoyable at first, always seem to crescendo with me doing something I regret (i.e. totalling cars, outrunning police and then totalling cars, risky sex, reckless spending, excessive drinking/drugs, etc). I didn't know I had bipolar until I was over 30 (I'm 34 now). There were some signs early on, but I was really defensive about it and never wanted to admit there was anything "wrong" with me. I have no shame about it now, it's just the way it is. As far as life threatening conditions go, I'd much rather deal with bipolar than a whole slew of other things people deal with every day. I'm pretty much just rambling now, but hopefully you'll read this and know that there are lots of us out here who have a hard time coping with life and don't always understand why it seems so hard. I wish there was something I could say to you to make you feel better about yourself, just like I wish there was something someone could say to me to make me feel better about myself when I'm feeling down. Try watching Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents dinner. That seems to work for me lately. You can find it on the c-span website (link removed.

I think a lot of the time when you start questioning what it is about yourself that seems to be keeping people away, it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, even if it's totally subliminal, when you start to feel like everyone is thinking negative thoughts about you or saying things about you when you're not there, you automatically assume a defensive posture. Your insecurities end up causing you to act in just such a way as to a) make people avoid you, and b) start to discuss why exactly you are acting the way you're acting. I think it's important that you try to work towards being less defensive around people and make a more concerted effort to be personable and genuinely interested in what others are thinking, doing, etc. I realize this is easier said than done, but if you really want to improve your interpersonal skills and learn to cope with your depression, or your social anxiety disorder, or whatever it may be that is afflicting you, then you need to take proactive steps to make that happen. Go and at least speak with someone at your university whose job it is to help students cope with the stresses of life. Life doesn't come with a handbook and there are some problems that are either bigger or more complex than we are capable of dealing with on our own. Ask for help and hopefully you can find out the source of your pain and work towards alleviating it. Good luck!

They say you can't go home again, and in this case I believe it's true. There's no reason for you to pretend that you weren't hurt by her actions; you were, and she probably knows it. If I were you and I knew I was going to have to subject myself to her presense following a break-up, I would want to act friendly, but more like I-don't-know-you-friendly than you're-my-ex-girlfriend-friendly. In other words, you can smile and say hello just as you would to any random you don't know, but I wouldn't go out of your way to show her anything special. I wouldn't recommend ignoring her completely, because that silence will say a lot more to her than complete non-chalance. Be cool and be distant.

Hey, You're in a tough situation, there's no doubt about it. I wish there were something that could make the situation easier to deal with, but in reality I think it's pretty much just a function of time. I'm sure you've heard this from dozens of people and from probably hundreds of threads you've read on this and other boards, but the best way for you to cope with this situation is to concentrate on improving yourself and getting yourself to a place where you feel like you're the sh*t, for lack of a better term. Personally, I've been working out a lot; both lifting weights and doing quite a bit of cardio. My goal is to get back to the physical condition I was in the summer I met my ex. For me, my mood and self-confidence have always been closely correlated to how I see myself physically (I know this is probably some sort of shortcoming, but it's always the way it's been so I'm going to go with it). As such, the best way for me to heal myself - both emotionally and physically - is to concentrate on taking the necessary steps to get in shape. There are fringe benefits, too. The endorphin rush that follows a particularly intense cardio session is worth all the suffering and more. I always feel WAY better following a good workout, and when you feel better about yourself you honestly broadcast confidence and naturally become more appealing. So I guess my advice boils down to this: I don't know your ex at all, but her actions indicate to me that she's selfish, probably has low self-esteem, and that she has very little respect for herself and even less for you. This is not the type of woman you want to be with, believe me. You want to find a woman who is independent and comfortable with herself. For me, a MAJOR red flag is a woman who has never been single for any period of time. To me, that indicates insecurity and a lack of character - an emotional vampire, if you will. Focus on self-improvement and doing things that make you happy and everything else should fall into place. Keep your chin up, it'll get easier. Also, try telling yourself over and over that she was a cheating wh*re who doesn't deserve the pleasure of your company. That might help, too.

Sure, she has a choice between two guys to date, but that's only because she's been playing the part of a single women when she herself said they've been quasi-officially boyfriend/girlfriend for 3-4 months now. News flash: that's cheating. I like the way you rationalize it to yourself and to us here that you're not a cheating wh*re by saying "I can only be intimate with one person at a time." Okay, by your admittedly loose standards, you're being faithful, but to anyone who's been on the receiving end of this type of behavior, you're cheating. Emotional betrayal's a b*tch, too.

I guess my first question would be whether or not your "actual" boyfriend knows you've been doing relationship-type stuff with another guy. My ex did some similar stuff in our relationship, and to be honest the roles she and I played sound very much like those played by you and your boyfriend. I didn't want to committ, I didn't have a lot of experience with serious relationships, and I wasn't sure if I was in love with her. She was extremely intense, always wanted more time, and was really clingy/needy...to the point where it was driving me away. She started building the foundation of her current relationship months before she and I actually split, and even though I really wanted out in the end, the knowledge that she had been doing this (betraying me, effectively) was painful. From my perspective you sound selfish and immature. Sure, your first boyfriend may not be willing to provide you with the level of committment you need (which is what, exactly, a contract?), but if it's a big enough problem that you feel the need to put yourself on the market with another man, then for christ's sake break up with the first guy. Sounds almost like you use relationships as a life preserver or something. Sorry so harsh, you sound like my ex.

Oh, and I disagree with one statement you made in your post: we all do n/c hoping to bring the ex back. That's not always the case. I'm doing it because I know we don't work and I need to move on. If I went back to her and said I'd be who she was always trying to twist me into, I could have her back. That's not the relationship I want. I am going to work on making myself the person I want to be and I'll find someone who's happy with that.

Hey Torchbearer, There's something really frustrating about an ex who won't respect your need for time and space, isn't there? My ex and I have been split up for about two and a half months now and I've been sticking to n/c for about five or six weeks (I honestly can't remember how long it's been, which is a good thing). Friday night about three weeks after we split I saw her and her new guy out at the local pub, drunk and all over each other. She was either a) having the time of her life, or b) trying to make me think she was having the time of her life. Either way, I was deeply offended because I felt like she was completely insensitive to my feelings in the whole thing and almost trying to twist the knife or something. That was the last night I've spoken to her. I decided then that she really had no concern at all for my feelings and that I didn't need her in my life. For the first two weeks, she called me almost every day. She'd either just hang up or leave messages that evolved from confusion about why I wasn't answering, to the realization that I wasn't taking her calls, to being angry about it, to guilt tripping me for not calling to check on her child, to sobbing messages about how selfish I was being, to how she felt like I was dead, etc. I never answered nor did I return any of her calls, but the fact that she kept invading my space in this way stunted my healing, I think. Even though there was something sort of empowering about knowing that I had the will to avoid her, it was also very difficult to hear her voice and know I couldn't talk to her. A little over two weeks after I went strict n/c, I had a little run in with her new guy. He's like 27 years older than I am (I'm 34, but I've always suffered from a bit of the Peter Pan syndrome, so I'm immature...whatever) and I don't feel like he qualifies to be with her. I gave him s**t about not having a drivers license, called him a "drunk f*ck", and basically compromised my dignity in the process. That was the last time I heard from her for about two weeks. Even though I felt bad about showing my hand and letting her know I was still angry as opposed to simply getting over her, the fact that she stopped calling was a nice side-effect. Anyway, she called me again Monday for the first time in about two weeks and left another manipulative message to the effect of: "I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you *sniffle*. This time of year reminds me of you and of when things were better between us *sniffle*. I know you're angry, but I wanted you to know I miss you *sniffle*. Hopefully, I'll get to talk to you at some point *sniffle*. Bye." I'm not here for her anymore. She no longer has the right to call me , nor do I feel any obligation to share anything with her, i.e. feelings, thoughts, chit chat...anything. I don't even want to tell her to stop calling me, because I'd have to be proactive to do that, or I'd have to answer the phone, neither of which I am comfortable with. I don't know about you, but I find that reminding myself that there's no future for us and thinking about all the stuff about her that drove me nuts helps me cope. That's not to say I'm not still hurting on some level, but it does put things in perspective. Unfortunately, I still avoid going places where there's a good chance I'll run into them. Even more unfortunate is that she works at what used to be my favorite hang-out. Hopefully sooner than later I'll feel well enough to go in there when they're there and not even let it bother me. Right now, however, I'm not sure I'd be able to be cool. A part of me (this part: ), wants to exact some sort emotional revenge down the line. I know she's still into me and I'd like to get to the point where I can woo her back, get her to drop the new guy, string her along to the point where she thinks things are great, ask her to marry me, then vanish with another chick and completely break her. But that's just the stuff of fantasy....

x-axis-c-clamp: Sorry to hear about your situation. I myself suffer from depression from time to time and I can attest to its damaging effects. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like you might have a little social anxiety disorder, too. Maybe that could be a side-effect of the depression; I don't know. My advice would be to start seeing someone immediately. I do a combination of therapy (which I really like) and an anti-depressent, which doesn't seem to do much. It definitely sounds like you've got a lot on your plate in terms of emotional trauma, too, what with the divorce, the neglect, the drinking, the deaths, the best mate, the girlfriend. Jeebus, man, see someone. First and foremost, you shouldn't feel ashamed because you suffer from depression. It's just the way it is, you've been dealt a weak hand over the last few years and you need some professional help to right yourself. But trust me, you can and will feel better if you proactively seek help for this problem. Also, you may want to consider taking up some form of cardiovascular exercise, such as hiking, running, rowing, or cycling. It almost never fails to make me feel better. Good luck.

Steve, My ex and I had similar dynamics in our relationship: she was clingy and needy from the onset and it made me feel smothered and overrun. I always wanted less, and she always wanted more. It wasn't so much that I despised her, but I did harbor a lot of resentment towards her. There were times - or, there was a time, to be more accurate - when we were really getting along well and the relationship seemed great. Then we hit the skids over moving in together (I wanted to dip my toe in and try it a few days a week to see how things went, she insisted I sign a 12 month lease with her, her then three year old son, her dogs, and a cat). Having never lived with a g/f before, this seemed like a lot of pressure. Instead of respecting my fears and trying to work with me, she said "I need to be with someone who wants to be with me". It was a completely covert threat to leave me for someone else if I didn't comply with her demands. We never recovered to where we were before that, because I never again felt comfortable trusting her. I think that also had a lot to do with the clingly/needy behavior on her part; the more I pulled away, the more she crowded my space. She was also a tenth-degree black belt in the arts of guilt and manipulation, which she used regularly, in addition to the dreaded on-demand pathetic crying technique. I digress. What I'm getting at is that my problems with her weren't so much that I didn't like her as a person or care about her romantically; it was that I never felt she reciprocated. Sure, she doted on me, but I always felt like there was more of a selfish as opposed to selfless motivation behind her actions. Does any of this sound anything like your relationship? I'm basically just trying to say that there could be things that have happened between the two of you that were never addressed, never resolved, or maybe even never identified. Subconsciously you could be angry at her for perceived slights that she might not even know about. How well do you communicate with one another? Oh, and my ex always had another guy ready to go any time we started hitting rough patches. She's codependent and maybe even addicted to love or whateve - she's never not had a boyfriend (or husband) since she was 14 years old.

That whole situation sucks. My ex had a new guy a week after we split, but she'd been building that safety net for months. I agree: no contact. It's tough when you live nearby; I live near my ex, too, so I see her around from time to time. She also waits tables at the place I used to hang out at all the time before she even lived around here. She's always in there with her new guy, so my only choices are to a) stay home b) go out of town or c) have to watch her be pawed by a guy who's as old as her father (61, she's 37). Anyway, I guess that's sort of like your school situation, except that I don't have to be there, I want to go there. Either way, it's a risk. I also agree a lot with what you said, spitkicker, that it definitely feels like you take a step back when the ex tries contacting you. Long before I even found this site, I told her I needed to cut contact with her. I felt like it was the only way I could deal with the situation. Even though are relationship was far from perfect, there's something about another guy with her so fast that sets off some sort of primitive reaction in me or something. Anyway, she'd try calling me a lot the week I started n/c, and like a fool one night (one in the morning on a Sunday, Xanax induced slumber) I answered my phone when she called. Foolish. One step forward, two steps back that night. She cried and cried about how she was still totally in love with me whatever; basically had me feeling bad for her about the situation. She's a damn good manipulator, or I'm just a pushover...either way, it sucked. Strict n/c is the only way to heal yourself, I think.