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fine, dont reply as if i care!

thanks for the replies but im afraid im having a bad day/evening today Last night i got drunk and told one of my housemates how i feel and what i plan to do. he was very supportive saying that he'll come with me etc. This morning there was an eerie silence between me and him, we both knew that we should talk about it but neither of us said anything. It was when i went to get the bus to uni that i realised something is seriously wrong. I walked to the bus stop and sdaw a friend of mine who i have kissed before. Shes a nice girl and everything but i was drunk when i kissed her and i dont want anything to come of it. Anyway, i faked having forgotten something, pretended to look in my bag for 'the missing item' and then walked/ran back to my house. When i got in i couldnt get back to my room fast enough. I was shaking and my heart was pounding. i ran up to my room and even put something in my bag that i didnt need so as that i could blag that that was what id forgotten should anyone ask me. Why the * * * * would anybody ask me? i knew i wasnt going to get that bus and i knew no body would ask me, but i still did it, just in case. When i left again (about 3 mins later) so that i could walk to uni i met the same housemate id spoken to the night before, and i had to tell him, i was shaking, i was nervous about taking the walk to uni incase i ran into somebody i know. he said we'd have a chat about it later and hwas very supportive, even though that chat never happened. Why would i be nervous about running into somebody i know? if i know them then surely its ok to say hello? Funnily enough i did run into another hosuemate on my way and said hello and walked off. But it still made me so nervous when i was walking in the street towards him. After he'd passed, i started questioning what he was thinking of me and what he would tell other people about me. Its so stupid i know but those were the thoughts going through my mind. I was rubbing my hands together and playing with my fingers cause i was nervous about walking down the street, which is rediculous cause its a quiet street and even when people do walk down there, 99% of the time i dont know them from adam. I really dont know whats wrong with me. And i still havent plucked up the courage to go to the health centre/clinic and book an appointment. the only way i can see to get over any of my problems is to drink. Im on my second bottle of wine already tonight. the first just helped me get enough bollocks to go and play catch outside with my friend (im increcibly nervous etc about sports, ive been bullied about my strength/ability tomplay football etc since as far as i can remember) whats wrong with me? why cant i just be *perish the word* normal? What makes me different from anyone else? is it because i dont have the new fasionable hair cut? is it because i dotn wear the right clothing or what?! why dont people approach me? rant over. sorry again.

This sounds almost exactly how i feel at the moment and the replies that i have read from other people have helped me understand what i/we're going through. I too poured myself into music and i have to say it never lets me down. Make sure you keep at it and keep your passion because it truly is invaluable. Im planning on arranging to see someone about the way i feel, i hope it works and i think if it feels right, you should do the same

Thanks alot mate it was good to get some of that stuff off my chest. Like i said theres alot more but ill leave that for another time! As im at university at the moment im going to enquire into what they can do for me at the university health clinic. thanks again

Hi, This is my first post here, but ive known about this site for a long time and have considered it quite often... I think what you guys do here is great btw. Well, i may go on a bit, but please read as i feel i really need some advice. Basically, i think im suffering from depression. I dont want to sound like im crying for help, but its concerning me alot. Ive got a bit of a rocky life, mainly family orientated rocky-ness but i have alot of my own personal problems too. The last year or 2 have just been absolute hell. It started when my grandad died xmas before last, i broke up with my girlfriend at the time (which hit me rather hard, it was a 'nerdy guy meets gorgeous girl and falls head over heels in love situation) and then i had a big argument with my step dad, who i have now severed all contact with. this was all within about a month and a half. i fell into a deep depression for about 6 months and just as i started coming out of it, my best mate started hanging out with a more fasionable, popular crowd, he wouldnt invite me out, he'd patronise me, he'd pretend that he wasnt doing anyhting in the evenings and then go out behind my back and tell me all about it the next day. As im sure u can guess this made me feel like * * * * and very insecure. Id get hideously drunk on my own, cry and throw things around and break things in anger. At this point i suppose its important to mention that i near-enough lived alone for about a year, up until last september. I lived with my dad (he and my mum have been divorced for 11 years, im 19 now + i have a sister but she moved out a while before) but he would spent fridays to tuesdays at his girlfriends house, and he would work till past 1am on the nights he was supposed to be staying with me. I felt very alone, hurt and id tear my self apart inside emotionally. I started becoming very paranoid about why i was being treated like this by my dad and my best mate. my feelings of depression would carry on for weeks at a time. I hated myself, i never cut myself or harmed myself like that primerily because i was to paranoid that people would find out. Id comfort-eat and get drunk instead, which only left me feeling more terrible. Even the time i spent with (and the time i spend with him now) my dad was horrible, he's an over-powering, selfish kind of person. Things MUST be the best for HIM, HIS girlfriend and HER kids and if theyre not then he will shout at me and make me feel tiny. My mother is an alchoholic, as is the man she married. She has alot of financial problems and he is abusive when he's had a drink. I have no 100% proof that he's hit her, but i remember a period of time where shed get horrible bruises and say she fell over. I know my mum isnt that bright, and i know she drinks alot, but she cant be that bad for falling over, surely? whether this is still happening or not i dont know, maybe shes hiding it? The most recent incident that i know of is that about 3/4 months ago they had an argument and he hurled a bottle of wine at her. She then left her house and drove to my sisters, drunk, for somewhere to go. I could go on for ever about my mum (and my dad for that matter), our relationship is strange, i love her, and i know she loves me, but she turns into a completely different person after her first drink, so for years now ive known not to ring her after about 5 o'clock, cause it will only cause trouble. i dont stay with her any more, not while her husband is still about. Im not a big guy but i know if i see him again ill flip-out. Ill get back to the point. Im at a stage now, and this has been going on for a very long time, where i have incredible difficulty being out in public (when im sober, atleast). for example going to the laundrette (i live in a university student village and the laundrette is about 100 metres away from ym front door) if i see people are already in there, ill start sweating and panicing and things run through my head, voices saying things like 'theyre judging you' and 'if you fall over, theyre going to laugh at you and tell everyone!' and i kind of freeze. Usually if there are people there ill turn back, and it'll take me 3/4 goes until i make it there. i then make excuses to my housemates why i havent gone there, like 'oh it was packed' or 'there were no washing machiens free.' I have alot of difficulty talking to people over the telephone. Even if its just to ring a pizza or something, it'll take me along time to pluck up the courage to make the fone call, or ill get someone else to do it. I get horribly depressed, especially when i have nothing to do, and i end up checking my e-mails and myspace profile loads of times a day. I then of corse assume when i havent got any that its my fault and that people dont like me. I also have alot of difficulty sleeping. Ive thought about going to the doctor and asking to see someone/get some advice or whatever for a long time, but im scared they wont take me seriously, and im scared that if my dad finds out then ill be put in a horrible position by him where i have to fake being ok to make him happier, which ive done for a long time now. I became worried where i heard, on a childrens news program of all things the notion of 'people get depressed, but for some people the depressing feeling just dont go away.' i realised that this is the position im in. I used to put it down to having a bad phase, or 'it'll get better' but then i realised, the way im feeling just doesnt go away. i really could go on for hours, but ive written enough already if anyone could please find it in there hearts to give this a read and give me some advice id be most grateful. Or if you just want to discuss things then thats fine aswell. Thankyou for reading (if youve got this far)