TexasNative

Marinaprettyone: you have not read thoroughly my postings. Do not pass judgement until you have a thorough understanding. Please read carefully and, once you have, then feel free to speak your mind as I welcome and value your opinion(s). You call me a "deadbeat dad" but, had you read my postings carefully, you would have seen that money is not an issue nor will it ever be for either my wife or the child and this, as far as the courts are concerned, is what constitutes a "deadbeat dad". You would also have seen that I did at least put some effort into NOT having sex when there was a risk of impregnation. PetLady. I honestly believe that you are correct here. I, too, feel more for the child than myself or my wife, but I know deep down inside that I am in no place to be a good parent to a child and that is in no way fair. It is not that I do not like children, it's just that I cannot ever give a child what it needs. One of the fears I have is that my wife will actually tell this child that it's father did not want and did not love it. Unfortuntely, she WOULD do this and she has made it clear that she will in the event that I leave. So, here we have the flaw in this plan but I feel that maybe if she does have a chance find someone else I truly hope this may be less likely to ocurr. LooksLikeScarlett: Sound advice, but I really don't know that that's the right thing to do. Honestly, I am not really sure what the best course of action would be at this point. I definitely don't see it as making me better. Only more bitter and angry. I am already resolved to the fact that I want nothing to do with the child and I don't want to be around to make things worse for the child, my wife, and last but not least, myself. I honestly did put forth an effort to prevent this, but as I say, the pregnancy was ill-conceived (no pun intended) and it happened under the pretense that she was on the pill. I DID try to get a vasectomy (see last posting), but that did not happen for the reasons which I stated. However, I am scheduled for 23 May to do so in order to prevent this ever happening again. SouthernGirl: I definitely intend to see a lawyer this coming week and the vasectomy, as I stated above, will follow soon after.

After reading my own post I realize that, as pointed out to me, I DON'T have the right to pick and choose what comments, opinions, or criticisms that may come my way. I guess I really need to consider all sides of the issue in order to make a decision. I will go into a little more detail though and give more information about myself. First of all, I will admit to the fact that I am "damaged goods" if you will. I am 35 years old and I am a former US Marine who served in the first Gulf War and participated in other armed conflicts around the world during this time. In that time, I committed what I feel to be atrocious acts and took the lives of others. For these acts, I feel nothing. No guilt, no remorse, no repent. Now, there is something fundamentally wrong with that and, thereforeeee, me if I can shut this off and never look back and feel anything for the things I have done. I love my wife dearly, but I consciously make the choice to not want to love a child and I could disappear from the face of the earth and never look back and never feel anything one way or another so, that being said, I don't think guilt is an issue here. Now let's touch on the topic of a vasectomy. About 2 1/2 years ago I went to see a doctor and scheduled to have a vasectomy because my wife mentioned that she didn't want to take the pill anymore. She knew how I felt about kids and we had the discussion not only before the marriage, but again at this time as well. At the end of this conversation, she made it clear to me that if I went through with a vasecomy our marriage was over. She decided to go ahead and stay on the pill, but it was at this time I could sense my present predicament coming to pass. As for the subject of sex; as soon as I found out that she had stopped taking the pill, I immediately began abstaining from sex and, yes, I DID say no on more than one occasion. All it took was the one time that we had sex and I had no idea that she had stopped taking the pill. When it comes to dying alone, i'd have to say that I really couldn't care less either way. I know that with way that I have lived my life and the things that I have put myself through I will not live to be a ripe old age. I have always been somewhat of a loner and I thrive when I am left alone. I know that I will most likely die doing something stupid yet something that I love. Before we married, we had the "kid" discussion and I told her that I did not know if I wanted to have kids or not. She was fine with that at the time. However, over time, her mind changed and she decided that she just had to have kids. I would have been fine with divorcing at that time, but she flat out told me that she would resign to the fact that she would "never know the joy of being a mother" and she would focus on her career. Now that was very deceptive and it became even more deceptive and just sneaky and wrong when she decided to stop taking the pill and not tell me. That is not only wrong, it is entrapment. If she wants to raise this child, that's her decision, but I don't have to let it ruin my life. My "hopes and dreams" consist of continuing to do as I (we) have over the past 7 years. We have travelled extensively and that has been my passion for as long as I can remember. The type of travel that we do cannot be conducted with a kid in tow. In the past 15 years, I have visited 102 countries and I still have 90 left to go before acomplishing my lifetime goal. This is the reason that I refuse to have children. Selfish, yes, maybe. Foolish? Not necessarily. What seems to be foolish to me is to give up your life's goals to appease the conniving nature of your partner. It DOES take two to make a baby, but it takes only one to lie and entrap the other. I have seen too many people ruined in this manner and I just cannot allow myself to be one of those people. I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely die alone and bitter and I will not complain one bit as it is the choice that I have made. I have to say that I agree with the first response in saying that I need to get out now so that she may have a chance to find someone else who will love the child and her. This seems the most humane and logical choice. When it comes to disappearing and not taking care of financial "reponsibility", that is not really an issue as my wife is rather affluent and has ample means to care for the kid. Her point to me is that she would pursue financial support so that I will be forced to maintain some type of contact whether it be physical, emotional, or whatever. Of course, there is no court in the US that WOULD ever rule in a man's favor in this situation, but, one would have to be a resident of this country in order for them to pursue punshment under such a ruling. Being that I own property, a home, and a substantial bank account in another country I HIGHLY doubt that such a ruling would ever have an effect on me for as long as I should ever live. My conundrum boils down to a moral and ethical standpoint. Sure, it is wrong to leave a woman when she is pregnant, but how much more or less wrong is it for that same woman to entrap the father and to try and force it upon him to pay for her meanness? I don't think that that's right. I feel that I am no shining example of a good person by any means and that doesn't change anything. I tried counselling on more than one occasion and it has turned to out to be nothing but a waste of time and money on every one of them so I believe that I am just pretty much beyond that type of help. At this point, I am running out of options.

What I am about to say here is probably terrible and I already feel terrible for even thinking it, but I just had the bottom fall out of my entire world last night when my wife of 5 years told me she was pregnant. After many, many conversations (arguments?) my wife was well aware of how I felt about having children. I cannot honestly say that I do not like children as that is not the case. I am just someone who knows that I have no business being a father and that it would not be right for me to bring a child into the world that I do not love or want. My wife seemed to feel that I would "change my mind" once she became pregnant and she broke the news to me last night not even two hours after I returned from a long, grueling, and horrible two week business trip to Washington, D.C. My reaction, as you can probably guess, was not in the least bit favorable and I have said some pretty awful things to her regarding this pregnancy so far. I flat out told her that I was not the least bit happy about it and I wanted her to get an abortion. However, this is not an option for her and it is not an option for me to ruin everything in my life and, potentially, a childs life by standing by her and having this baby. She knew how I felt about this and yet she stopped taking her birth control and went through with this anyways thinking of nobody but herself. Now, I am faced with potentially leaving my wife whom I love(?) and living with the stigma of being a "deadbeat" dad. I honestly want nothing to do with the child and have made it perfectly clear to her that I will completely turn over any and all parental rights and that I will never come near her or the baby. Now, I feel like a monster and maybe I am. I am thoroughly angered about the whole situation and grief stricken. I don't want a child in my life. I do not want to ever be a father and I don't ever want to be burdened with raising or loving a child. I may be a terrible person for this all, but I cannot stand by idly and have my life and all my hopes and dreams destroyed because of this. My wife knew better than to try and trap me like this so I feel that she brought it on herself. But, at the same time, there has to be something that I am missing and some of the fault HAS to be mine but I just cannot see it. Is there anyone out there who has been through this or something similar? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am not willing to hear out people whose sole purpose is to criticize me as I already feel badly enough about this whole thing so if you have nothing to write about except your complaints and scolding then please go somewhere else. This is a serious situation and some serious, sincere advice would be very welcome.