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About Me

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  1. I was at a market yesterday and saw these beautiful ceramics. I can't recall seeing Turkish ceramics before although I do recall the glassware. link removed My great grandfather who I met when I was around 12 years old when he visited was a ceramics maker in Sicily. Very different type of ceramics but very nice.
  2. This is one of my poems that I wrote about my childhood sexual abuse. I hope that someone will read it and know that they don't suffer alone. Writing my feelings down seems to help through the darkest days in which I still have many of. So here goes. I was just an innocent child when the worst of my life began, My parents took me where they thought I was safe as I fell victim to my own kin. A loving grandmother who worshiped me and cuddled with me each night, Did not know that monsters would sneak in and force me to leave her side. They took me away in another room where there I became of their use, And I was just an innocent child, learning to suffer from years of abuse. They threatened me by saying that if I told, bad things would come my way, Like never seeing my grandmother again so I had to say okay. She was the one I thought loved me the most and was my keeper right from the start, So I had to endure the pain I was in to make sure not to break her heart. I can remember the fear inside of her catching them as they lured me away without denial, I tried to be quiet as they entered each night and touched the foot of this innocent child. Now I'm an adult but robbed of so much, like the knowledge of love that one should know, For me it's like a roller coaster ride, it goes up and falls below. I let people get close to me but there's a wall that won't come down and stay, Which has made me struggle with falling a victim to most everyone that comes my way. They took away my ability to be assertive and lowered my self esteem, But as I still fight, I will find the might to let go of those awful things. My road has been rocky but I'm still a Survivor and now the must fight the war, My need for recovery will continue I know but I'm not the Innocent child no more.
  3. Ok, they are splitting up my grandmother's assets/estate, even though she's not dead. She's in a nursing home. Background: My older sister received a sum of money for her books in college, my cousin is going to receive this same amount for her college books, and my sister is supposed to receive the same amount for whatever she might need. I've never gotten anything, so my mother wants to cut me a check for this amount. I don't know how I feel about it. My gramma isn't dead yet, and I feel like its a feeding frenzy on her. They sold her house and everything in it and her children are divvying it up as if she had just died. It all seems perverse to me. Granted, I am not financially comfortable in any way, and the money could help me a lot on my two loans (college and car), but I am perfectly capable of keeping up on these. I don't feel right taking the money. Like my grandmother's assets, I'm divided on this issue.
  4. Disclaimer: I am not a poet nor do I ever write poetry... This has been something ive been thinking about doing since i was inspired in March of 08...Its about a man(my friends grandfather) and his late wife who was taken away early by cancer. They were really nice people and i thought I owed it to them to write something to remember them by. snowy street, suffering cold this thirty by twelve cabin cell calls memories made mingling, haunting alone you sit, to die pain penetrating pillows you sleep an angry man, bitter at this hell you must go at alone hands hurting, back breaking, cackling cancer hysteria filled, hollow head do you see her at night like you say does she call for you waiting waiting, waiting for what for death to come whisk you away intertwined with your other half go now old man, shes waiting culling cries concentrated i wouldn't blame you if you left
  5. I know this is kind of a morbid subject, but I thought about this last night. What if something happened and you lost everyone you love? My parents are on a cruise right now and my sisters are at my grandparents house. My girlfriend is at her grandma's house out of town. Being alone in the house I just started thinking what I would do and how lonely it would be. I used to think that being alone wouldn't be so bad, but I can't handle it. What a horrible and boring life that would be. No one there for advice, love, or support. I don't think I'd want to go on anymore.
  6. My boyfriend have been dating for 6 months now. Everything seemed perfect, we never fought or had any major arguments. He's the male version of me. Two months ago while planning our vacation he accidently called me his ex's name. I didn't mind so much but I got annoyed that very day and never bought up the incident. However, last month we were in bed after sex and he was half asleep and rolled over and said ''I love you tiffany'' and my name is LINDA! I stayed silent for several minutes and confronted him. He claims he wasn't even thinking about her and its just its a name he was accustomed to saying for 2 years but they've been broken up for well over 13 months. I'm angry, frustrated, and no longer feel secure in my relationship. Now it seems like all we do is argue over this issue every week and he's getting tired of it. To make matters worse she was over his place but his excuse was she came to pick up pound cake his grandmother sent for her. The only reason I found out is because her screen name was the last to login on his computer. I feel betrayed and as if I'm second best. I don't know what to do should we take a break or go our separate ways? I don't feel as if I can get over this
  7. I am not sure whether or not this topic belongs in Relationship Communication or not, but it does deal with me wanting to say something to my boyfriend, so... here goes: How can I politely tell my boyfriend that his grandfather annoys me to no end and that I prefer not to be around him? I know that sounds terribly mean, but let me give you some background information and examples so you can better understand why he annoys me. My boyfriend's grandfather is an ignorant, uneducated man who grew up in the poorest parts of a third world country- we're talking dirt-floored straw/mud huts with 18 kids type of poor. He's a nice man, but he is SOOOOOOOO annoying! He has habits that are nothing short of obnoxious and disgusting and he lacks normal mannerisms such as common courtesy. Example #1: Sometimes my boyfriend and I sit at his kitchen table when we are visiting, and play a boardgame with his little sister or maybe a game of cards. If his grandfather so much as hears us in the kitchen or sees us standing a centimeter near the kitchen table, he rushes in and starts harping loudly, "Time to eat! Dinner time! Time to eat! Dinner time!" in Spanish, over and over and over for at least 20 minutes. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he sounds like a broken record. The man DOES NOT stop. It's ridiculous. He drowns out all conversation within the room with that idiotic charade. To top it off, he finds it humorous. Example #2 If we happen to be at my boyfriend's house past 9 p.m., he will barge into any room with people and start squawking like a parrot, "Bed time! Bed time! Bed time! Time to go to sleep!" for another 20 or 30 minutes, as he marches up and down the halls. It doesn't matter to him that people are talking or watching television or reading. He walks around continuously shouting those words. After he quiets down, if you so much as pass him in the hall on the way to the bathroom, he reminds you that it's "bed time" another ten thousand times. Example #3 My boyfriend's mother bought his grandfather a cell phone TWO years ago and the man STILL DOES NOT KNOW how to work it properly. Every single time we are there, without fail, his grandfather interrupts our conversations or movies or whatever else we're doing, to shove the phone in our faces and ask us to help him find such and such button. Example #4 His grandfather used to smoke a lot and quit many moons ago, but he still has bouts of coughing now and then and the man just hacks up nasty stuff wherever he is, instead of doing that in the bathroom. I have literally gagged before in his presense, because it's just so gross. There's no need to do that in the livingroom into your open palm. That is something you do in private in the bathroom so you don't disturb or disgust others. Example #5 The second his grandfather sees you on the phone, whether your cell phone or the house phone, he begins to make as much noise around the house as possible, on purpose, though no one else seems to notice. But I notice it, and it angers me. It's just so rude! I just CAN NOT stand the man. I've asked my boyfriend before why his grandfather feels the need to behave like that, and my boyfriend blames it on the conditions his grandfather lived in over 40 years ago. He always uses his grandfather's past as an excuse for his rude, idiotic behavior. That's bologna, in my opinion. What does one thing have to do with the other? My mother's parents lived under the same conditions and circumstances and suffered a lot of terrible hardships under a dictator's laws and they have always been perfectly polite, respectful people. They don't act like morons. So, I've decided that I have had enough of that old man's antics. You can't even ignore him- that's how annoying he is. I'd rather spend less time visiting if his grandfather is going to be home. How can I tell my boyfriend this? Or do I just have to suck it up and try my best to ignore his grandfather when we're over?
  8. ....i've been dealing with this girl for 11 months almost to the day and 3 months into i thought it was love, but now, looking back onto it, i dont think it was. I think it was indeed a wonderful feeling, but not love. just a REALLY REALLY strong attraction mixed with hella chemistry. but, the past 2 months, our relationship has blossomed into something even more wonderful than ever before. Our comfort for each other has grown tremendously. Everything is evolving, arguments are more rare. let me get to the point, just about 3 hours ago (around 8:30) she had to get off of the phone because someone called for her mother. so i waited, and waited, around 9 i thought she would call because thats when her free minutes on her cell phone kicks in....no call. my worrying increased. more hours passed, and during this time I called her cell phone about 10 times, left 3 voice messages, sent a text, called her house number 10 or more times, no one answered anythting, and she lives with 3 other people... this was odd to say the least. i sat here thinking the WORST of thoughts. Pondering on what the hell could be up. This is most unusual for her because she calls me and we talk 24/7. I could barely eat. I couldnt watch tv with 100% concentration beacsue i was so worried and sad about this. She wasnt calling back. now i was thinking maybe she had another seizure, or maybe her grandfather died, or maybe she got hurt, maybe they had a house fire, i dont know, i was just so worried, and scared. I'm sorry i cant explain this 100% accurately because u'd have to know her to understand why i found this to be so unusual, but thats a given... anyway, she finally called me at 11:30. I JUMPED at the phone. And when i answered i let out a big sigh. i immediately asked what happened. I told her i almost cried. and as soon as i said that. my eyes teared up. She told me she got sick from something she ate earlier which turned out to be much more minor than i thought but it was just the thought of losing her that drove me to tears. she told me to hold on and i plopped my face down in my bed sheets and began REALLY REALLY crying. Is this love? Like true genuine love and concern that i'm feeling? because, this isnt the first time this type of thing has happened but now all of a sudeden the fact that i had all these bad thoughts about losing her for some reason, it makes me cry like a little kid. is THIS love? because before i didnt really care THAt much... i mean, i cared, but not to the point where it made me sick to my stomach. She told me she was getting in the shower and she would call right back. I said bye and could barely talk because i was crying. I was trying to hide it. when i hung the phone up, i began crying even HARDER. for a while, and I didnt know why. I was so confused, but..i couldn't stop. It was just a natural reaction. I need some sort of opinion or diagnosis on the situation. Is THAT love? or..is it something else? I dont know.. i really dont...I'm so confused..
  9. Just need to get some things off my chest I guess. I haven't been on in a while because of moving, computer problems, and my baby being born. I have been having some really sad moods because of post-pardum depression but no one around me thinks it's that bad. I've posted before about my boyfriend, and lately he has been so great, he's been "allowed" to stay over my house (i still live with my mother) and he is great with the baby. Right now I know this sounds kind of stupid but I truly believe my baby doesn't even like me. She cries when I hold her and my mom says that's because she knows how I feel, and how I feel is my heart is breaking. My boyfriend has been expecting money for some time now because he got his finger ground off in a meat grinder at work in January. He finally got it today. He's getting a car tomorrow, and he told me a couple days ago that he bought me an engagement ring. He didn't really ruin any surprise or anything because I don't know when I'm getting it or what it looks like, he just was so excited he wanted to tell me and went on for like two weeks saying I want to tell you about something but I don't, which had me worried in the bad way. Anyways he also said that after that he called and found out how much his divorce is going to be. Only 600 if it's mutual or w/e. Anyways, that's not really the problem, we've been getting along for SO long now and yesterday when talking to his cousin who loves him to death and likes us being together like A MILLION times more than him and his almost ex she told me things. I've told her before I know things so she will tell me things, plus she is not one to keep secrets you tell her something and expect it to be told. She told me that she knew of 4 people my boyfriend had slept with in the year or so we've been together. One is me, one's his wife, one's my best friend, and one is her sister, or atleast that's what she said. It's driving me nuts because I want to bring it up but I really really don't. I just I've told him over and over again I can't stand cheating, and right now the only one that hurts is hearing that he slept with my best friend. She's moved away and we don't talk even half as much as we used to, but I knew she liked him and I always had my suspicions but me and my boyfriend talked about her and those suspicions just a couple of days ago and he said he never slept with her. Now I don't know if I should believe him, the person who's lied to me before, or his cousin who has a history of just telling people it like it is. I really can't marry him if he's like that. I was told when I met him once a cheater always a cheater, but I believe in second chances. Now this isn't just a post about cheating or I would've put it in infidelity. To top it off, I feel completely unattractive, I really didn't gain that much weight when I was pregnant but it's been three weeks and I don't feel fat but I still can't fit into my old jeans. I have HORRIBLE stretch marks, and even tho my boyfriends says I'm beautiful I don't believe it. Plus, I found out today that my grandfather is dying. Well he's my step grandfather but he's the closest I've had to a grandfather. He was in ICU then got shipped to a regular room but he's still not doing good and they don't think he will make it overnight. As I write this my parents are at the hospital, and I have to watch my baby and my lil sister so I can't go see him. There's more but I just don't want to type anymore. I never felt like I wanted to commit suicide but I'm starting to think it's not such a bad idea. I'm useless. I put on a happy face and walk away when I cry so no one sees my pain. I was in the bath today and felt like trying to drown, but I don't think you can do that because ..got to go my mom's home
  10. Hi. I have been with my girlfriend for over 8 years. I met her when I was 23 and she was of the same age. Over the years, we haven't had the same fire we did when we were younger, but have come to be comfortable with each other. I have taken her for granted and my actions (or lack of) has shown it. The past couple of years, we've been talking about marriage and "the ring". I recently found out that she does not want the ring because she feels that she had to "ask" for it and she feels she shouldn't have to beg for it. I didn't feel that she begged for it or asked for it. In fact, she knows I've been working with a jeweler on getting her one! Well, about 6 weeks ago, she told me that she may have issues, on how she copes or deals with problems. I didn't understand but I told her that I would give her the time necessary to "fix" this. She has been seeing a therapist for about 4-5 sessions now and found that she deals with problems with me as she does with her dad. She mentioned something about how she copes with issues and that she doesn't communicate it effectively. She avoids problems with me and does not bother to tell me what's wrong. Instead, she holds it inside, and never lets me know of the issues, or things that I've done wrong. The fact that we can't even talk about it, really makes me feel helpless. For the past 2 years, she has learned through talking to her therapist, she has been holding resentment towards me. She told me that she wanted me to feel like I was part of her family. I have made efforts to see them weekly with her and even visit when she is not able to. She brings up a time when I was not there for her (when her grandmother took a fall and was sent to the hospital). I was experiencing a migraine at the time and said I would go either later that evening or in the morning. I now know that since then, she has trust issues with me because "i wasn't there for her". After that incident, I have truly made efforts, by visiting her grandmother (even without her), and going to dinners with the family. She acknowledges my efforts, but it doesn't matter it seems. I love this woman and I have sent her an email telling her that I'm willing to work things out. Even seeing a therapist together. But how can a person who holds resentment towards you, would want to work things out? Should I even "stick around" and see if she even wants me back again? She did mention that if roles were switched, she would not stick around, and she would move on. I recently asked her if we were still together or not. And she couldn't answer that. I asked her if she wanted me to still be around, and she replies with this disclaimer, "I can't guarantee you anything." I understand she's focusing on herself, so how much time should I give her? 3months? 6 months? Is time the only thing that can heal? Is there anything I should or should not do? Thanks for listening
  11. Long story short. I broke up w/ my boyfriend, of 2 years and a couple months, about 2 months ago now. Look at previous threads I started to get most of the story. We've been going back and forth on this whole NC thing. I still love him I just can't be in a relationship with someone who makes things more important than me. I can't be with someone who blows me off on important events. etc. etc. So we broke up. Yesterday, I told him that it would be a lot easier for me if he would just leave me alone. I didn't exist in his world so he shouldn't exist in mine. He asked if that was my final answer and I told him he finalized my answer when he made his dance team more important than me. Well he just called me about an hour ago to tell me that his grandfather passed today. He said that he told me, a while back, that if something was going on w/ his family then he would let me know and he hung up. Well after talking to my sister and my mom who both told me to call him and tell him that I'm available if he needs me to be. I called him. I let him know that my prayers are with him and his family and that if he needs to talk then I'm available. And of course I got the whatever response that I expected, which was why I didn't want to call back in the first place. I didn't want what I had to say to seem superficial or that I was just saying it b/c that's "what ur supposed to say". I really do care. I will grately miss his grandfather. But another thing is that there was a loss in my family just 2 days ago. My little cousin's baby passed from SIDS. And that kinda hit home because my twin died from SIDS. My grandmother had a child that died from SIDS and My cousin's mom had a child who died from SIDS. And I found out earlier today that one of my close friend's grandfather died yesterday. So like the title says. I'm so lost and confused... Don't know what to say or how to say it. And I know that if I lost my nana no one could say anything that would make a difference. So I don't want to just be letting out hot air by trying to be caring. I don't want to waste my breath. And I want to go to the funeral. But I don't want to have that weird feeling because I'm his ex. I just don't know. I can use some advice. Jaiva
  12. I have an in home daycare. I have been taking care of an 11 month old for a couple of weeks now. Problem is he cries and screams to be held all the time. I feel like i'm not allowed to go to the bathroom. At first every time I would leave the room he'd cry, even If I'm a few feet away and visible to him, he cries. When I say leaving room, I mean going to get a bottle, going to fix breakfast or going to get my son who is 6 months out of his bed.Not leaving them unattended. Now, he even cries if I take a step backward, honestly. He demands to be held, gets angry and screams if I pay aother child attention, cries until I hang up the phone,hits everybody even his own mom. His Grandma who was keeping him before me is the one who called for my services but said she had to tell his mom about me. So they both came to the interview that day. The Grandmother said in response to my questions that the child was about 1, was walking, used a sippee cup for drinking but still took some formula.During the interview the mom stated (some of this info was volunteered by her before I could ask)that he was a very well behaved baby who rarely cried, that she wouldn't bring him over if he was sick because she didn't want to make my baby sick,she wouldn't drop him off until 6:30AM,and to pre-pay before my services. I did tell her however that she could pay by the day or week as long as it was paid beforehand and that after a while if I seen they were good payers that I would work with her if she had issues, but atleast the 1st week had to be paid in advance.She agreed. When mom asks me how he is, if I say hes alittle cranky she will say, "oh yea, I think hes teething. If I say he is screaming all day, she says "uh, I think its his ears". If I say hes fine, she says nothing. For the past couple of days shes even bringing tylenol for me to give him and says to call her if I cant handle him.Well, the other day after he had screamed for 5 hours and really upset my son i did call her to come get him.She called me later and said the MD said he had his Ninth ear infection in the past 3-4 months.I asked her what were they doing about it.She said she takes him back, it hasnt cleared up so the MD writes him the same antibiotic everytime and thats why it wont clear up. Come on! That sounds improbable to me. She brought him back in 2 days with a bottle of tylenol but no antibiotics for me to give.I have taken his temp several times, he never has 1, he never pulls at his ears.Oh, that day he screamed 6 hours, when his mom picked him up, he started laughing and hitting her!Anyway, she is bringing him 15-30 min. earlier than agreed causing my 7 year old to miss the bus,has charged her fees 3 times in 5 days, never knocks on my door, barges in and informed me today that 2morrow I will be keeping him a little over time because she has a meeting then has to go get her check cashed anyway so she can pay me. She did not ask me if I could or how much I charged for overtime(she already gets an hour extra plus my fees are dirt cheap)I'm starting to think that i'm putting myself at link removed he really sick or just spoiled or both?Could I be held liable if something is going on with him at home that I dont know about? My baby, 7 year old, my husband and myself have been sick ever since he started coming here.Plus my baby shouldnt have to hear that screaming all day. Do I give her a notice to find someone else or jump ship asap?P.s child can walk but refuses to, also he is not even holding his own bottle, the sippee cup i have to put it in his mouth and tilt his head back for him to link removed his age this is not normal.
  13. ok...my grandmother lived by herself... and i went down almost everday...my mother and i had a fine time with her... she got off of the ventilator and they said she only had 2 weeks to live...so we brought her home and things have been hell ever since.... she got so use to us its like.... "get me Ice-t...".... no...i want more ice in it....blah blah i thought my gram was great...than i found out what she did in the past...she had an alcoholic husband and they use to really abuse my mom and my aunt... she never said shes sorry for any of it...my mom has no teeth cuz she never let her brush them...my gram let my grampfather rape them...stuff i just never knew... just NEVER ever thought... now my grams like thinking i guess "well there getting money for my house being sold...so i guess they owe me" i see my mom downstairs crying all the time...she had to take care of my grampfather and my gram when she was a young 12 year old...and now shes a 50 yr old and has to take care of her again...and my gram totally changed... im trying so hard to just take it...shes been living with us for 8 months now...and she lives in my room with me...my room just goes back a little so i have my privacy./..but no door..... she hockers a lot and she picks her noise and for INstance...the other day..."i want crackers iwth my soup..." ok we get her crackers .. "i dont want THESE Crackers i want THose ones that are dark".... ok we get the dark ones "I Like the ROUND ones not the rectangle ones".... i just wanna say F*CK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!! i mean COMMON...be glad ur not in a nursing home.... we go out and shes like "well i guess ill sit here and rot...OMG u can come with us if you want.... she dont come with us cuz she will have to go to the bathroom and she wont go anywhere but home...well TO BAD....we arent putting a hold on our lives cuz you dont wanna go to the BATHROOM somewere else... and she makes us feel bad when we go out... god give my mother and i strength... please!
  14. Hey ladies....i would like you to all give me your opinion on a what you think about a guy or boyfriend having their tongue pierced. I was thinking of getting it done cause my girlfriend has one. I am not worried about if it hurts or not and i know that it can seal up if i leave out long enough if i want to get rid of it...but id like some input before getting one cause i know my grandpa will try and rip it out when he sees it
  15. Mothers -- ! I used to be amongst you, at the very beginning when I was ushered in through the human echo. Wicked fiends and gracious saints, I came in and joined you. Mothers -- ! I used to be amongst you, surrounded by maids, other mothers on all fours, masks and gloves, vapors and herbs, all animals, all together now as one animal, Mother. ************ “She died in childbirth” -- As they did in huts of clay and thatch and woven walls, Arctic ice and out in fields of rice, in the crags of mountains, knees bending over stars and high noon. Their time has come, since the time rivers bathed us all, every last one. And rivers have lain at the feet of what Mothers’ bones know. “She died in childbirth” -- Crimson cries splitting the skies, every sphere shaking with chains of tears. Faces drugged in sweat, legs like jaws shudder silent -- while the stains soak through all of night and seep into the sun. A flare bursts, warm wailing is here intact, coursing veins are plucked pulsing from the No-longer-intact: lacerated, ruptured, hemorrhagic -- Her coal eyes turning from scarlet to grey to black. Mothers -- ! I once was amongst you, when I was five and I pulled plastic Suzie doll from my loins to bathe in the sink; when I fed her to my breast of ribs, inside a baby nightgown. Mothers -- ! I once was amongst you, when I was fourteen and joined your tribe in small pink blots. I rejoiced and clutched them secretly, washed them out in the sink. “Died in Childbirth”. I draw a finger ‘round nymphal navel. In the mirror, a firm and placid arc, I place my palm upon this circle. No one will ever kiss this spot for what it contains. I will never stretch here and pucker through tented garb. I will never swell with another, never awaken to your thumping pangs. My roots will not grow into that essential braid linking Our knots, end to end — blue, purple And strong as a white tide. We will never exchange The Elements, You will never breathe through me. And I will never seize those around my feet who know well by experience because now it’s my turn. No one will gather ‘round as I lower myself to the bottom of Ages. I won’t be Spring, nor Summer. I won’t be gathered into the center of the Earth, spread East to West a voice of peals and rockets, defying everything, allowed anything, howling free as the wilderness. I will never be scooped up and told to roll, I will never have the rough cloth dabbed against my temples, throbbing with shrill brain. I will never look over the hill of my own making, the bastion you are leaving, and feel my soul erupt. No, I stay safely closed. My entrance never to be an exit. Darkness falls upon my prepared bed, the bed I’ve prepared for you again and again. My deep and soft chamber you will never visit on the way to becoming. No, I will not be one of them, with battle scars, or marks of distinction, skin never the same. I will never be split, I am safe from your head ready between my pelves. I will never perish on the sands, in the paddies, on the dirt or the high bed, nor in a polished room of scrubs. There will be no drum, no sudden fury for me. I will never be a million years old in the span of one day. I will never perish with your breath severed from mine, and you will never love on without me because I gave my life that you be born. But I’ll perish of your never finding, never filling me. Without sisters and grandmothers, without forceps and cutting edges, desperate drips or fingers thrust inside, people with their hair up to help me live. I’ll stay back, untouched and tied. Clean. Composed. Barren. Nullipara, null and void. Non-gravida, a grievous seed. “They died in childbirth”, a grave dug and marked for heroines. I dig a grave inside myself for unused soil and rain, the dances that won’t be danced, the light I won’t bring you to, the nest that will never be flown. I dig a grave for my chance to die.
  16. This might be rather lengthy but I need to talk to someone about it and I'm not really sure where to put it but this looks good. Okay here's the situation. I'm 18 years old. I'm currently living with my mom, grandma, and two sisters. I'm currently unemployeed. I can't seem to get hired in anywhere. I've applied at (and yes I've actually kept count of the places) 18 places and routinely checked to see the status of my application and not a single one of them has returned any positive results. My mom isn't employeed because she's a natural lazy (choice word) and doesn't want to work for her money. She wants other people to support her. My grandma can't work because she is on disability from emphysema and my sisters aren't working because they are both young and still in school. So basically this house hold thrives on SSI and child support. The current debacle is that I have a future ahead of me. I have so many ideas and so many things that I want to accomplish. I want to do more and be more. I want to make something of myself. Obviously that isn't going to happen by me staying here. The problem is I'm not sure if I should leave here and go to a relative's house. I feel like I'd be denying my flesh and blood but they're holding me back from doing so much in life. Is there anyway I can get over this hump and gain the confidence to leave here?
  17. i'm lost, met a girl, hit it off, alittle odd, but she was cute, didn't want anything serious. things started to grow, but then also fell apart. both started playn games. drifted. there was a time where she chased me, then i chased her. tried to meet a few times, said ok, but never showed, said bump it, so i did the same...got too weird. alwas had an excuse. she has a drinking problem which i assumed had something to do with it. as for me, i have a touching problem, as in touching other girls while i'm seeing one, but was kinda hope'n we could help one another...the last time we tried to meet, she stood me up again, so i said no when she tried again, she said she wnated to tell me something, so like a fool, agreed, sent a text when i got home, didn't hear anything back. so shut the door a final time. woulden't you know it, next day she comes back with "please don't hate me, grandfather died had to fly to london". didn't want to be a dushe (sp?) but i was done, said sorry about the news... she starts say'n she wants me, so on. i asked what she wanted from me, and what will the excuse be this time. said no excuse, wants just me. blah blah. (not try'n to be cold, just burnt out) i write music, did asong about us, if ya wanna hear it, go to link removed it's called "kath". after all the crap, it just came out. 3rd party says were just play'n games, i blew her off, she blew me off, give and take. after the song, and all the BS. should i care, try to do something, or let it be. i sent her a text about the song, told her it was kinda messed up. made me re-think if meeting up was really worth it. she replied with "really don't know right now" * * *? siad she'd listen to it. haven't herd from her since. 3rd party-friend and i talk still, she's the gossip type so i don't know how to take what she says. claims i care about the girl more than i admit, which is true to a point. when i met kat, didn't want a relationship, but the way she touched my face when she thought i was asleep knocked down walls i had built. fet invaded. she made me feel great, truly, but i fear games got in the way. i know this is long, i'm sorry, i live in a small town so wanted an outsiders advice. if you listen to the song, let me know how you think she may have taken it. tried to be light hearted about the song when i told her i posted it. said it made me horny, which is true, but i'm partly sadistic. thats me being playful so she didn't think i was just being a jerk. music is my diary. hard to control what goes in, have to be honest to me, but when i wrote the song, i was pretty fed up.
  18. Lately I have been having the toughest time forgetting my ex.. Despite all the heartache, pain and mean things she has done or said, I cant seem to get her out of my head. I have been fighting myself not to send texts or e-mails. Am I a glutton for pain?? Why do I keep walking down the same road? I think its because I'm hoping each time will be the last time, and we can sit back and talk to our grand kids 30 years down the line about the rough patch that grandma and grandpa over came... Isn't that what love is about?? I thought I was doing better.. I thought I was making progress. I have lost myself, and so many people to this.. Her family tries to reach out to me, but I avoid them because its too much of a reminder of her!! Every time I see a car like hers I get butterflies in my stomach.. It took me so long to get to the point where I felt comfortable with her.. It took years before I opened up.. Now I have to start all over.. I don't think I will ever find true happiness. I know myself and I feel I will never let another woman get that close too me.. I wonder how is it that she is able to just walk away from all we have invested?? I hear "move on" or "you don't need her" or my favorite "It just wasn't meant to be" but it seems like that advice goes in one ear and out of the other. I guess its harder for me because I have no faith.. I don't believe we are born with a plan already mapped out for us.. Now I do feel I will be able to get in a new relationship, but I feel like secretly in the back of my mind, I'm going to always want my daughters mom(my ex) It feels as if any other women will just be a replacement because I can't have her. Joyce1412 said it best.. She said my attachment to her is mostly based on familiarity and family connections (my daughter). How does one let go of that.. You never really get a chance to fully move on and heal. You constantly have to deal with this person, see them in their new relationship, hear your child speak of the new person.. It's like having a open wound and salt keeps getting poured on it.. I will close this out by saying this : My biggest fear is if she changes her mind and tries to come back, despite all she has done I still feel I would take her back.. I am so afraid of that.. I want to be able to look her dead in the eyes and tell her NO!!!! And really mean it.. Thanks for reading all of you guys/gals have been a great support system for me..
  19. So I posted this thread here asking for advice about this woman I work with. She is a clingy person who is starting to really get on my nerves. She always asks me all kinds of questions about what I am doing, where I am going after work, what I did the night before. I know people reading this are probably thinking it's just friendly conversation. But it doesn't come off that way. I feel like I am being interogated. And when she talks to me she gets right in my face. She alsways sits beside me at break and she sits way too close. I have a real problem with my space being invaded. The other day I was bending over sitting a box on a pallet and I guess my lower back was showing. She came up behind me and pulled the back of my jeans up! I didn't like that at all. I don't like being touched, especially when I don't see it coming. Today when I was standing in the clock out line she started fidding with me hair. I just dyed it, she said she was looking at the color. She doesn't need to touch it to see the color. She ran into my Mom at an Italian Festival in my town last week. She said to my Mom "I was thinking of getting some of my friends together for a party, and I was wondering if we could have it at your house?" My mom politely told her no. I should mention that this woman lives at the salvation Army, so she can't have a party at her house. And it was a whole bunch of SA residents she wanted to invite to this party. She has only met my Mom once!!! Then the next day she came to work and told me "Oh your Mom and I were talking about having a party out at your house." She said this like it was already planned and my Mom was ok with it. She has also referred to my Granma as "Grandma" like she is talking about her grandma. She met my Grandma at the italian fest where grandma was selling sandwitches. She hasn't been picking me up in the morning anymore. When I came downstairs two days in a row and found her sitting on my porch waiting for me I had to put a stop to that. I was polite about it though. But here is the kicker... this made me really mad. A family member of mine just died less then a month ago. Well, this chick at work has found an apartment. (She found the place yesterday. Today at work she had the gaul to ask me : I really need some pots and pans and cookware for my new place... IS your *******'s house all cleaned out? Do you think maybe I could have some of their kitchen stuff?" This made me freaking livid. I didn't even answer her. Then she goes on to say "My husband left me with nothing, and I can't sue him for my stuff back because I can't afford a lawyer." I told her "Apply for legal aid then." and walked away. Help! What should I do? I feel like this person is fixated on me! PLease keep in mind that I am female and straight. My last thread got a lot of misguided advice because people thought I was a man. I am DethmetalDOLL, not DethmetalDUDE, lol. PLease, I would appreciate some advice... Luka
  20. Hi... I turned 18 july fourth of this year. I live with my grandmother and I am in college..third semester...i bought my own car...all the clothes i own, i bought. For the past two years i have done everything on my own. I grew up fast living with my mom getting involved in drugs and stuff....and had to get out of that situation in maryland 2 and a half years ago and moved with my grandma in another state. Well, i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. His family...is nuts...he has a mom and a dad and two brothers. he is the middle child, they are drama starters...they * * * * * about everything and they CONTROL everything. well my boyfriend and me fight...not ALOT but we do...hes..very closed minded...and unsocial with people he doesnt know...hes just private i guess....well im the opposite...but we love eachother and have been through alot. we smoke pot here and there...its not that serious. well our families dont agree with it...we just choose not to tell them...we're not stoners...we dont blow our money on it...or do it at their houses...we do it alone...sometimes. well his mom found out...and wouldnt let me and him be alone anymore upstairs in his room...so a week later he gets mad cuz we haven't spent hardly anytime together....i have 2 jobs and school....and he works full time...and were working on getttin his GED..well he went upstairs and ignored everyone...so that made me mad...and i left...well his mother gets mad cuz he wasnt talking to her...HE WAS MAD AT HER....and called my grandma and told her we're drug addicts and completley LIED on me about alot of other stuff....so my grandma kicked me out....wellshe let me back in last night. well anyways...the house accross the street from his parent's house is owned by a friend of theirs...for twenty years now...well he just uses the garage for his sidework on cars....he has a house a few miles away...its his house where him and his ex wife lived for a long time and he just can't give it up...so hes gunna let me and my boyfriend rent it for like...50 bucks a week. and the utilites...we each pay a third...its like...MAYBE 150 bucks a piece for me and him...plus other things...we know...weve fihgured it out...and we can affordit....welll my grandma doesnt want me to and thinks its a mistakeand that im gunna end up like my mom....he hasnt talked to his parents about it...and im just not sure....like what to do....any advice anyone???? i need HELP!! theres alot more to it...but yeah ask any questions if it will help your response.... confused young lady
  21. Does anyone one here know much about thyroid disorders? The reason I ask is because I'd like to know peoples personal experiences rather than what's on the internet as far as symptoms. From what I know, thyroid disorders are very much hereditary. It's run in my family. My dad has it pretty bad as well as my grandfather, great grandfather, great aunt etc. I know it would be so easy to just get a blood test run but I have my reasons why I don't want to go. To make a long story short, I've just lost pretty much all trust in doctors. I have many reasons for my lack of trust but I'll state my most recent reason. I went to the doctor back in December because I couldn't sleep. I had no idea why I couldn't sleep either. Well, the doctor asked what had been going on in my life and I told him and he diagnosed me with depression. I disagreed. I told him I simply couldn't sleep. This sleep problem started back in May 2005 and by December I had enough and finally went to the doctor. Anyway, he insisted it was depression and told me he would prescribe me Effexor XR and Ambien. I didn't know much about either drug at the time. He said that the Effexor would calm me down and help me sleep and when I couldn't sleep I should take the Ambien. So I started taking 37.5 mg of Effexor and after 2 weeks he bumped me up to 75mg. I took the Ambien when I couldn't sleep and it got me to sleep but I'd wake up after about 2 or 3 hours and couldn't get back to sleep. Pretty much what I had been dealing with for the past 7 months anyway. So I went back to the doctor and told him the Ambien didn't work too good and he gave me Trazodone. That has seemed to work but it has some side effects I don't like. It gives me a horribly stuffy nose and little white dots on the inside of my cheeks. Since it gives me a stuffy nose, to the point of not being able to breathe out of my nose at all, I sleep with my mouth open which give me a terribly dry mouth as well as dark eyes from the constant nasal congestion. So now I'm weaning myself off the Effexor the only way I can. I'm not going to get into the horror stories of that but I will say that if you go to the doctor and he prescribes you Effexor, DON'T TAKE IT. Your depression will go away much easier and with less problems than it will if you take this stuff and then try to get off it. To get back to the hyperthyroid issue. I've done a lot of reading about hyperthyroid and I have almost every symptom of it. I believe I was misdiagnosed as having depression and anxiety due to my personal life when it has really been due to hyperthyroidism. Insomnia, fatigue, anxiety, depression, increased allergies (which I've noticed a lot this year) excessive bowel movements, restlessness, you name it, I have it, which are all associated with thyroid disorders. So all the while, I'm starting to think I may be suffering from a thyroid disorder and not what these misleading doctors have told me. I'd just like to know if anyone else has gone through these symptoms and then been diagnosed with a thyroid disorder. Thanks.
  22. My grandfather passed away yesterday. At least he wont suffer anymore. I've cryed so much yesterday that today I woke up with very small eyes. What creeps me out, is that before yesterday I had a little blackout and I had this vision that my grandfather passed away and then I called a friend to meet up with me. The next day he dies. The funeral is on Wednesday in Madeira. I'm going after a lot of fighting and crying. My father told me that he couldn't afford the flight there, and so i started treating him in a disrespectful way, because I wanted to see my grandfather for the last time and be with my family and all. Then my mom calls me and starts making me feel guilty for not going. It was the worst night I had. I had horrible thoughts going through my mind, like SI, and stuff. But no, I controlled myself. Finally I got a reservation, but I seriously hurt my father's feelings, which is not good at all because he does NOT deserve it. And I will probably hurt my mother's feelings because I don't want to stay with her (live with her) during these three days because she will make me feel worst than what I already am. So in other words, I feel like a very, very... very bad person.
  23. I am just posting this to vent my feelings, that is all. It is approaching the six year anniversary since my late grandfather died. He had a long road leading up to this we new roughly about six months before hand that it was going to be a long road. Always taking time off school to help, and always being there. My father and he were not that happiest of father and son in their household. This was typically the household that favoured the first born, my father was not the first born in his house, and neither was I. Because of this my fathers and I were always treated second best to our sisters by him. He was always a good grandfather to me, but there was always something extra that he gave the first born's and not us. My dad and I both know it, and we have disscussed it on a few occasions solo. I remember your funeral, I stood up there and made my speech in my air force uniform. Turning to look at your coffin, tears began to come out of my eyes, controlling my emotions just became impossible... I beared all, and in front of many people, I soldiered on through my speech about you and your life and the effect that you had on me, and to this day I don't know how I did it, my mouth felt like it had been disabled and I was just saying words that had been pre-programmed. My father told me after that it was the most emotional and powerful speech I had ever given, even though it was slightly embarrassing at the time, it felt so good to do what I had done. I did not wimp out on you, although many times I thought about stepping down and letting you on your way to heaven. I hope you are proud of me for that. I respect you for what you did for our country, you fought for our freedom; and because of that we live in this wonderful and beautiful country today. Your spirit must have been so low while you were in the prisoner of war camps for those many years of driving around wheelbarrows and fetching the dead bodies of those that had perished, all while only being given a piece of bread and a can of water a day. I truly respect you for that, and sometimes I don't think I could ever stand a test like that, but you soldiered on through it. We had a lot of good memories together. Faintly I remember catching the old steam train up to Newcastle for the day. When the two of us were in England for that rainy weekend and we caught the train down to Portsmouth to do the inside tour of the submarine, that was a great day and I will never forget it. Although I didn't think you would ever let me lived down what happened that day. It sure as hell was funny though. There is so many things I remember about you, and some that I don't. I remember the day when I was walking home with mum and dad in the rain to return the video on Sunday afternoon and we had just found out that they had turned off grandma's life support machine. You died inside because you know how badly you treated her, and I believe that since that day and to the day you died... you didn't want to live anymore, you knew what you did was wrong and there was no way you could take it back this time. As dad always says "You never really miss something until it's gone" and he is so right. Somehow I am really confused to why I have tears rolling down my eyes right now as I am writing this. The emotional connection has gone, it will never be replaced. You left us six years ago... six years ago and it only feels like three. I know you wanted the best for me, and I don't know what you let the first born thing get in the way, maybe it was just your mental psyche or maybe it was just you... but I definitely got my stubborness from you and nobody else... remember the arguments that went on for weeks? I remember one particular instance when our family didn't talk to you for six weeks because you were so stubborn and in your whole life you only ever apologised for your wrongdoings once. Dad told me about the blood money. Mother spent all your money that you were given for the war before you had a chance to get to it, I understand that must have been painful. It was a few thousand dollars and I know now you hated her, and Alfred... with good reason, but not for that only. Too bad I never got to meet him. Maybe it happened for a reason. The sardine pin from the can that you brought back home from the war... you gave it to dad as a legacy on his 21st birthday and for something to be passed on down on our sons 21st birthday for future generations, he has fullfilled that role... and if I have a son... I will pass it give it to him in memory of you on his twenty first birthday. It may only be the ring of a can to some, but to me that is a symbol of what you went through for us Australians to have our freedom. You know what I am doing with my life, I know you are watching me from above... I am fullfilling a role and dream that you never got to. I am taking the legacy because dad never could. Why do I respect you? and I love you... and as much as you were a pig to us, as much as you treated my mum badly for being english, I still wish you were here with us today.
  24. Long story short. Was with my current gf for a year. Were living together, broke up last July/Aug, because we disagreed on where to move. (amongst a few other things). I moved away (5 hours), went into limited contact. She was always the one contacting me (she more ended the relationship than I did). She'd call every other day, with a million questions, about if I"m dating anyone, who Im hanging out with etc etc. Would tell me she still loved me, all the hoopla. Come to find out late Oct, she had been seeing someone (continued telling me she wasnt seeing anyone). I found out accidently (her 10 yr old sister slipped up on the phone). She immediately contacted me, tried to justify things, I simply told her good luck, and have a nice life. For the next 2 weeks I didn't hear a word from her. At work one day I get a call, from her, completely distraught, crying, and trying to muster words out through her tears. Her grandfather had passed away a few months before this (only father figure in her life), and the new "bf" turned out to be the I knew he was. She asked if it was still too late to come vist "I can't stop thinking about you, about us, I really want to see you". Reluctanely I agree. She visits for the weekend, we have a good time. She explains she'd never felt so strong before about someone, got scared, and wanted to forget about me. Yea, alright, whatever you say. She goes home, dumps the new guy, and starts calling me 3-4 times a day like usual, we SLOWLY start back up. Which brings us to now. We've been officially back together since xmas. I ended up moving back to my homestate, 1,500 miles apart. She came to visit over the holidays, we had a FANTASTIC time for 7 days. Before this we didn't really know what was going to happen with "us". I planned on staying here, she planned on going to college in another state about 10 hours from here. The night before she left, she told me she wanted to move here, and be with me. That she can go to school here, and she's positive this is what she wants. So that's where we stand now. Thing is, we've always had a "different" relationship. We'll bicker over the STUPIDEST things, yell, cuss, argue, then apologize and be fine. This was more so our "old" relationship. Things up until tonight have been GOOD, no fighting at all. Lastnight- she didn't call at all, which is weird for her, because we talk everything. My phone was messed up all day/part of the night, so I got her call earlier in the day sayin she was going to hang out with a friend, girl, who had lost her grandmother a few days ago. 2 3 4 am rolls around, still haven't heard from her. Wake up this morning, still no call, I call her she answers and I ask in a nice tone why she didnt call lastnight. She explains she fell asleep at her friends, and didnt wake up til 6am. I said that's fine, but why couldnt you of called me from there lastnight to let me know. This started an all day screaming match. She FREAKS out, and the convo goes something like this. Her: IM SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I HAD TO CHECK IN!!! Me: You don't have to "check in" you just never NOT call me Her: Like I said, I didnt know I had to check in daddy! Me: Taking 2 minutes to call me and let me know I wont hear from you tonight, isn't checking in Her: I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS ..BLEEP! Me: Why are you getting so upset? Her: CUZ I DIDNT KNOW I WOULD FALL ASLEEP!!! Her: Im gonna go cuz you're pissing me off!!! So the convo goes on like t his for another 5 mins, I let her go. I go out, come home around 8. I call her and she acts like everything is FINE. I ask her what was up with her freaking out over stupid things earlier, she says "Why do you gotta start all over again". I'm calm the whole time, make a couple jokes about it and say "If you just stopped lying about stupid things, I wouldnt have to ask ?'s" SHE FReAAAAAAAAAAAAAKS out again. This time cussing every word in the book, telling me to just "Shut the up" totally freaking out. Convo goes like this. Her: Seriously you're pissing me off, and Im gonna go Me: Why cant we just talk about it, get it over with, and move on Her: THERES NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!!! GRRR BARK ROOF Me: I havent talked to you all damn day, and now you wanna go? Her: Alright seriously im gonna go, you can either let me go, or i'll hang up and we can argue about it tomorrow Me: Why are you so immature Her: Alright im going love you bye...click By this point, my blood is pumping, Im sitting there with the phone in my hand readying myself to call her, tell her Im not putting up with this bs, and Im DONE! Wouldn't you know, the phone rings 10 mins later, and she's fine. Tells me her emotions are just all over the place today, and shes sorry she took it out on me. ? Are you kidding me. Am I over-reacting or do I have a reason to be a little upset?
  25. my boyfriends grandmother raised him and his brothers, and i have respected and admired her for that. But she has done nothing but talk trash about me since i started dating him, she won't let him make his own desisions about anything. He is almost 20 years old. he just proposed to me on christmas and she does nothing but tell everyone that it was my idea and she told him that after we're married im gona make him quit school. she is telling everyone that i control his every move. on new years eve i was over there and she told me that he is always sick and has to see a doctor all the time which is a complete lie, and she said that we can't afford to live on our own and we make plenty of money. the worst part is HE WON"T STAND UP TO HER! he is making payments on a new car that she won't even let him have in his name. i have tried and tried to get her to like me. what should i do.. i love him so much
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