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About Me

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  1. This is one of my writings from 2010 i would like to share with you all. Follow my footsteps, and eventually the traces would vanish. because my journey has it's own way around things. My life has shook uncontrollably, the quake in my eyes is unbelievable no hope, no trust, lost belief in everything that i ever was...or could have been. becoming stagnant, because my faith was undefined, never know how to find where i wanted to be, but i had time but felt blind because where do u go when everything feels like complete darkness......Alone, no one understand that echo creates repetitive thinking this is how it is......and this is how it will be. No need to excel, because i didn't love myself enough to keep pushing forward. all i knew at that time was rewind, being left to live in the past that was stagnant to lock away my thoughts , and take my future from the inner core of my heart. I look at my life........my eyes catch the mirror and I caught my outer appearance that i have so much to live for and my only possession of power that i needed to love myself a little more, to avoid the stagnant state of mind.
  2. I was sick all last week so I was going through old purses and such when I was feeling a bit better & I found this saying/poem in one of my purses (I love it) it basically states ..that you can get over setbacks and disappointments..in life and for you to take care of yourself and love yourself instead of waiting for someone else to come around to do it. the next one is a quote I really like..(it is my thoughts pretty much) anyone who knows me fairly well knows I am like that myself. don't know who wrote either but ..I love em' both I got a new picture of myself on my profile here. it was taken this past Saturday after I got my hair & eyebrows done (got bangs again and a new color) I am still not fully recovered from being sick but I had to do some errands & things that day,and I have been pretty down latley..just life stuff and being sick too. so I feel a bit better now,it was like a little boost.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a while you learn the subtle difference between haolding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and comapany doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses arn't contracts and presents arn't promises and you begin to accept you defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman,not with the greif of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plains and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your your own garden and decorate you own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure ...that you really are strong ...and that you really do have worth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Keep your heart free from hate, Your mind free from worry. Live simply,Expect little Give much,Fill your life with love. Scatter sunshine,Forget self. Think of others, Do as you would be done.
  3. I wasn't sure where to post this so hopefully someone can 'insert' my post in the right place. There has been a lot of talk in this forum about significant others having a personality disorder. I have (or had) this problem until a few days ago. Have I been naive about this subject altogether???? Absolutely! I read a book online "Malignant Self-Love" and feel like I've been in a relationship with an alien..... he's not human! I don't want to offend anyone here, but based on my experience and what I know about my ex, he can't possibly be of this world. Has anyone in this forum read the book or has been in a relationship with an NPD/HPD? If so, I would love to chat with you. This is not a joke ... this is a real condition that affects many, including the victims (me). Please respond soon. Thank you.
  4. Ever since I could remember, I dreamed of that fairy tale prince.. that fairy tale romance. but now at age 21, it doesn't look like I'll ever have that fairytale. I never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever had my first kiss in my entire life. It's the same old story really. 8th grade. no one (except for the 3 year crush who never liked me like that). "Well, I'll definitely find someone in highschool for sure," I thought. High school came and went with the many, many one-sided infatuations. senior year. still no one. "Well, all I need is a change of location. I'll surely find someone at college (out of state too!)" I thought. But even now, senior year of college.. still no one. I've loved in college. I can definitely tell you that. It was one-sided. But it was real. And it hurt. I've followed my passions. I've gone out and made a fair share of friends. I've developed my talents. I've been involved. I'm a good person. I have a lot going for myself.. and I have soooo much left to accomplish in life. I don't want to be too dependent or tied down to anything .. I want to live my life according to my terms. I can't wait for anybody to "complete me".. I complete myself !! I've seen my friends in bad relationships. I've heard it all before. They tell me that its better to be alone, then to go through all the pains of neglectful/deceitful/bad boyfriends. I will be the "lucky" one who find someone. My first, according to them, will be nothing short of amazing. I've heard it over and over again. But they're all excuses to ease the pain and to cover up the fact that I AM SCARED I will go through life.. alone. I'd rather trade one moment of being in a two-sided love (that may not last, "it's better to have loved and lost" as they say).. then a lifetime alone full of one-sided loves. ONE moment -- is that too much to ask? Then there's the excuse I constantly tell myself.. I am too good for any of the guys I've met out there. I don't want to be easy. I don't want the one night stands. I don't just want a whatever relationship. I want something real. And if real means waiting forever.. then I'll wait. Hell, might as well be a good relationship since I've waited this long without cashing in for a less meaningful relationship, right?! Excuses. All excuses. Those excuses don't cut it.. especially when I'm in my dorm on a Saturday night.. feeling sorry for myself. And wondering.. if I'm such a good person with so much going for me in life.. then why am I alone? Why is it that everyone out there is finding someone? Or someone is finding them? However way you look at it.. people are going places with their significant others. They are on chapter 10 or so of their love stories (multiple love stories I might add).. while I am still writing the damn epilogue in my own fairytale. And I'm not saying I have high standards or something. I know love isn't perfect. I know my potential boyfriend doesn't have to be either. Give me a good mix of personality and style .. and I'll be hooked. Seems like I am always the one chasing.. and never the one being chased. And we all know that it never works when the girl chases the guy. I mean, fine. Maybe I could try harder to put myself out there. But c'mon I know plenty who "happened" to be at the right place or time.. and found someone. All I want is one chance.. one opportunity. Why won't a guy just.. look at me and give me an opportunity? Is society so superficial?? Am I that so ugly that my drive and passions can't make up for it? And no one tell me the old saying.. "how can anyone love you if you don't love yourself?" I've heard it.. and told myself that a million times. That's the one biggest load of bs I've ever heard of.. the biggest excuse you can tell yourself so that you feel better about being single. I mean.. there's a lot of people who don't love themselves out there, but grow to love themselves when someone comes along and loves them. I mean, am I not good enough to be loved just because I don't love myself? Someone tell me something new out there.. cause it's getting far too lonely. And while I don't want any guy to define me.. it would be nice to have someone there for the support.. someone who puts me in the center of their universe. Maybe I should just give up.. loverallalone* (username based on clay aiken's song "lover all alone" definitely described my current mood)
  5. And I find it really comforting right now, when I've been dumped and am sad. I remembered thinking about it on the bus coming home, and I thought I'd post it here, because it's so beautiful. It's about learning to love yourself again. "Love After Love (Derek Walcott) The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life." I love these lines: You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you Just thought I'd post it here because it is so beautiful and moving, and really comforting.
  6. The tears roll down your cheeks And drip off your chin As you dig your tiny finger nails Into your porcelain skin I know this pain all too well I've felt the terror that I see in your eyes And I've felt the heaviness of the the broken smile you wear In front of others; your clever disguise You've forgotten how to love yourself And I wish so terribly that I could help you see You are the most beautiful soul I've ever met But when I tell you this, your fear always has to disagree I know that this is the hardest thing That you've ever dared to do It's so hard to let go of the past And everything you've been through It's OK to be angry, my love It's OK to be sad All I ask is that you listen to me when I say, Lets take it one day at a time - and I swear your world will be safe today If you need to cry sometimes When I'm not around Go for it baby Tears don't mean you're breaking down They show that your still living For the dead - they never cry You made it, youre still here Youre still so much alive
  7. Love is something you can't force, It is a rare emotion that many abuse, Love is special something to hold, Hate yourself you cannot love, Love yourself others can love you, Love and hate go hand in hand. To love is strange if just feels right, Hate is forced like a candle to light, Its only the lucky who find true love, True love is never really there, Its something to work at, something to hold, Its something that many of us wish we had, Again this poem is written by two people, me and my gf __X
  8. For those of you who were there to offer me support through my break-up, I'll always appreciate it more than you could ever imagine. I've come such a long way over the past three months. Through the pain, I learned so much about who I am, and what's important to me. It's taken a long time, and throughout my journey I learned to love myself. This test has built character and made me so much stronger than before. She came back, she wanted to work things out, and we've spent a lot of time getting down to the heart of the matter. This is one really world we live in. Once in a while, things happen, things that you almost never think would happen, do take place. I'm a bit more guarded now, and I keep my emotions on a leash, because they are mine. I'll never completely lose my own identity in someone else again. Thanks
  9. my ex and i split up in May of this year. i am trying my best to heal and move on. i dont feel strong like i used to. before i met him, i was oozing with confidence, i felt good about myself. now i feel the complete opposite. he stripped me off my independence and my self worth. before i was like any other person, saying that if i found myself in a violent relationship i would walk. i didnt do that. i stayed and took his taunts and let him hit me. he manipulated me into thinking that i was nothing without him, no one else would want me and that i was very lucky to have him - i believed him. he made me suicidal. i am slowly starting to pick myself up despite him not leaving me alone since the breakup. i have gained some more weight which i lost due to stress. i am dating someone new and i told him about what i had to go through and he was shocked. i am taking this relationship very slowly and he has been very supportive of me. i finally feel like i am worth something again. thank you for listening and to the others who replied to my other posts. leah
  10. Hi, I wrote this a long while back, just thought I'd share it.. There is a dignity in sorrow As in the patient accepting death, When left with only emptiness You discover the wholeness left You start to see a oneness A unity all around And wonder in the glory That in nature does abound When stripped of the lie of reality That supports the lie of the land You can appreciate the simple And be nurtured in its hand. And from this plateau of wisdom Comes the courage to forgive Accompanied by the knowledge that its for you that you must live But this is not a selfish wish For you must love yourself Ere you can ever love another Or live in mental health So in brokenness we find completeness A paradox for sure A spectator of the games they play A participant no more. And as your life continues Of this time; please don't forget Because now you're a bigger person And the evil must be met. And now you're a bigger person Compassionate, kind.. and yet Grateful for the pain of discovery Forever in HIS debt.
  11. "You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep-seated need to believe." -Carl Sagan "I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is." -Peter Barry "People who sin say this: They had to, to survive. People who sin say this: It's too late now to stop. The shadow called Sin dogs them steadily from behind, without a word. Remorse and Agony are repeated, to finally end up at Despair. But sinners don't know that if they turn around, there is a light... a light which keeps shining on them ever so warmly. A light that will never fade" -Trigun (an anime series) "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -Romans 12:21 "The desire to reach stars is ambitious; The desire to reach hearts is wise" -- Maya Angelou. "The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."- Anne Frank "I think I would like to do something for somebody. I think it's good if someone smiles when you smile at them. The beauty of voluntary acts can foster goodwill in the hearts of others. Love which doesn't ask for collateral gives us respect as people. However, it is wrong to try to sustain that, control love. In time, the strain will bloom into the flower called Lie, the thorny flower which hurts people."- Trigun "A choice between two things. The forked road every person brought into the world must eventually face. A crossroad. Whichever path they choose, they lose something. Whichever path they choose, they are unable to find happiness. But are there really only two paths to a forked road? No. There are infinite paths we should take. There is more than one path we should take. There is more than one path into the future."-Trigun "Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change to world."- Harriet Tubman "May the love deep inside your heart find love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays." -anon "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You have to really love yourself to get anything done in this world." - Lucille Ball "You are what you think, or so you become." -anon “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves”. Victor Frankl, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor "This is really the only reason people are ever mean. They have something hurting inside of them, a claw of unhappiness scratching away at their heart, and it makes them hurt so much that they have to push it right out of their mouth to scratch someone else, just to give themselves a rest, a moment of relief."- The Center of Everything (a novel) When all else fails, just believe. Comforting song: "Look After You"- The Fray.
  12. Alot of times when people think of love they think of 2 people showing affection, respect and admiration for one another. What about yourself? Do you love yourself? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Just curious.
  13. Does it really work? and does love find you or do you have to search?
  14. I've been trying meditation recently- I've been researching alot about Buddhism too- and i've encountered a great deal about loving kindness- In order to be happy, in order to free yourself from the things that get you down and horrible days you have when everyone gets you down, you should cultivate loving kindness to the world. It really works- I feel a lot less aggravated by the world than I often do...... But the more I tried to cultivate it- the more I encountered a deep self loathing. I am SO down on myself!!! And the more I look at it the more it explains a great deal of why I suck at a lot of stuff. - I hate myself in relationships and I feel toxic sometimes, so much so that I push people away rather than cause a mess by being close to them. - I am so defensive!! I raise my guard at the slightest indication of animosity- because I'm so sure I'm a bad person - I hate Head Office staff in my company because I'm sure they going to find me out and fire me any second - I see people hating me and finding me disgusting all the time but the thing is- I'm putting that perception on them- It's ME who hates ME!! - I do aggressive and foolish things like drunkenly flirt with women because it's only when I'm drunk that I can no longer hold back desires which I hold inside. I WANT SO MUCH!!! But I don't want anyone to see because I'm afraid I don't deserve it. All this is something I've thought before and I know I guess....... it's easy to forget because how long can you hate yourself? Pretty quickly you have to at least make a show of liking yourself just to get on. But still I'm back here- feeling a great deal of loathing again. Now I'm looking for jobs and every time I go for a interview I have to face competition and risk of failure, something I go out of my way to avoid. Because I hate myself. I really really do. I can't believe that I do, and I can't quite tie that up with how great I think I am............... Sometimes I think I'm so damn cool... how can I think both at the same time? How do you begin to love yourself? I guess I've tried new hobbies and new jobs and new activities but it always seems to undermine everything I do.
  15. Hi, I have a problem with loving myself and accepting things. What would your advice be in feeling good and confident within yourself?
  16. I do. In spite of the countless missteps I've taken throughout my life I think my heart's in the right place. I try to make amends for my mistakes and spread cheer whenever I can. Do you? Why or why not?
  17. Hi all, I wanted to run something by everyone and get some feedback. I am utterly perplexed and can no longer talk myself out of feeling this way. For about the past 6-7 years, my life has always been filled with drama of the relationship kind, and I behaved in self-destructive ways, particularly with alcohol, during that time. BUT, for the past six months, I've been in a healthy, growing, nurturing relationship. I've also been going to see a counselor, and my alcohol intake (when I feel like having any) is under control. I feel good, and I'm really starting to love myself. However, during the same time frame, I've noticed that I've grown apart from certain friends, and I'm also feeling *VERY* distant from just about everyone in my life. This has nothing to do with distancing myself in actuality...I still call people, e-mail them, see them, generally make an effort. When I say my relationship is healthy, one thing I'm referring to is that for once I actually have a real life and time to myself outside of it!! So it's not that. In fact, I don't know if I'd call it distance, as much as struggling--to relate to people in a new way, and wondering how they'll deal with this new version of me. There are still certain people I feel close to when I'm with them, people whom I've always had a real connection with, not one based on "good times" or sarcasm, but there are so many others I just don't even feel like making that much effort with. Does this even make sense? I just don't feel like I want to deal with the b.s. of people who I don't respect or have what I feel like is a meaningful relationship with, and I'd rather spend the evening by myself, reading or playing the piano or even just chatting on the phone, than go out drinking and hanging out with people who are fun acquaintances at best. I'm tired of putting on a mask...I'm fun and pretty funny without them, but I feel like some people don't know how to deal with me as calm, gentle and NOT sarcastic.... It's like I've been focusing so much energy on learning to love myself, and getting to know who I am, that I feel like this "new me"--and I HAVE grown, I know that--doesn't even recognize her old life, including many of the peple who used to be (I thought) so important. I also think that therapy, and being in a healthy relationship, one in which I receive unconditional love, trust and support, has stripped away so many of my defense mechanisms--sarcasm, flippancy, etc., and made me crave REALITY....being real with people...and now so many encounters with people just feel forced. I feel naked....vulnerable. I don't know how to function without my defense mechanisms. I like MYSELF better now, I like spending time with me and I don't mind alone time, but I feel less confident about how other people will react. They liked my defense mechanisms. Now, if I see that a friend really hasn't been that great of a friend, I just shut down and don't feel like talking to them. There are people and groups I tried to fit into and impress, and now I just want to be with people I love, and I'm trying to be the best friend I know how to those that I DO truly feel a connection with. My mom and I had the longest, nicest laugh on the phone last week for the first time in a LONG time. She used to tell me that I was sarcastic so often, it was hard to have a real conversation. Now sarcasm is all but eliminated, and I'm a big ball of mush. I'm not sure what my question is, except maybe--does this sound normal or make sense to anyone? Can anyone give me a take on it? Why might I be feeling this distance, and is it bad? Does this mean I'm withdrawing from the world, or just pulling back for a while to figure out what's important and what's not? Is my healthy relationship brainwashing me in a bad way?!?! (I can't believe I'm even asking that!) I just want to have real, good, nurturing, healthy relationships with the people in my life, and I don't want to spend time or energy on surface connections unless I have to....I'm not rude, I'm just...uninterested. I don't talk to my counselor till Monday and I could use some food for thought until then.
  18. ok, so a week ago my boyfriend says he needs to see other people. It wasn't a total surprise. I knew he was already talking to this girl. I know I can't trust him. I know we love eachother but in reality that's not enough to sustain a relationship. I am trying to be realistic. My heart is braking. I care about him a lot. But I love myself more. I know I am number one and have to take care of myself right now. So he tells me this on saturday (july1st) and then we preceeed to spend 4 great but surreal days together. He's as sweet as he can be . He says he loves me, etc.. He leaves on the 5th from ym place to go to work. He leaves his cell phone charger at my place so i know he has to come pick it up sometime. I don't call him. He calls on saturday to see if he can come pick his charger up. He comes over and says he thinks he's made a mistake, he misses me . He end up going to this festival in a park by my house and have a good time. He leaves the next morning and leaves him charger again! So I am not going to call him. He is a mess, he's got things to figure out, I am be understanding about that. He's 23, I', 29 by the way. But it's not fair to play with me. He can't really be with me, he wants to be friends, he doesn't know what he wants. Now I need a break. It hurts. I love him. I will do my best to leave him alone and give him space. I don't really want to cut him off completely. I don't like the situation we're in either. Maybe he'll buy and a new charger and leave me alone. I don't want that either. I can only work on myself. that super dave guy had some good suggestions. I just have so much anxiety right now, I'm a mess.
  19. Why doesn't God care about the people he created. He created me and abandoned me to a lonely cruel world. I hate him so much, i have always believed in him and prayed the same prayers for about 15 years now. no answer. I have become so bitter to him that I curse him everyday. I would rather kill myself and go to Hell than live my life of agony, loneliness and despair. I have tried asking God to take away my pain for many years. i have wanted to kill myself since my early teens, I'm now 27. 27 years old, alone and desperate, desperately wanting love but there is no one whom loves me and i'm always alone. i miss my ex that i went out with for 2 years, i miss a few other girls too, not many serious relationships but have gotten my heart so broken many times. my heart feels like a pile of sharp shards now, and it sometimes literaly hurts from the emptiness inside me. i don't cry myself to sleep almost every night now. instead, i feel disappointment, sadness, loneliness, fear of the future and I also feel partly numb. what do i have to live for? why do i always fail? why does it seem like no one likes me? why don't i have many friends anymore? if i am never happy why shouldn't i kill myself and save myself a future life of sadness?????! is it normal to lose friends as you get older? i know God doesn't care about me, my stepdad abused me when i was getting older, other kids too, which made me get an inferiority complex. my dad died like 8 years ago. i live in another city from my family so i don't talk to them much anymore. i love my family but i don't think i love my mom, i think that i have always thought that she doesn't love me so that may be where some of my problems come from. other than that, everyday i think about suicide. when i walk accross a bridge or in a mall i think about what it would be like to jump off, i fantasize about it. i just want love and no one loves me. i want love so badly people have told me that i will never find a soulmate if i never love myself. i have never loved myself and never will so does that mean that i will never find a soulmate? i don't think i could ever learn to love myself. in my past i have been on medication for a short time, didn't work. tried counseling, didn't seem to help. i haven't done lsd, ecstasy, shrooms for like 6 years and i don't do drugs anymore. i smoke and drink occasionally. i have gone to college like 3 years and i probably have 2 more to go. my grades were really bad last year so i don't know if i can go next year. i have been a drum and bass dj for 6 years and i'm really good, only starting to play out though. i also paint modern art, and i'm pretty exceptional. i'm smart, tech savvy, but none of these things truly make me happy. possessions and my abilities doesn't replace companionship. i am too materialistic and selfish. anyway, i've rambled on too long. i'm just desperate and i need answers so bad. i just am afraid of the physical pain of death and chicken out. what will others think? (i think they could have sympathy for how bad i hurt). what would i miss? mostly bad things, because my life has been really bad. so i don't want to hear any "lie is beautiful, life is a gift" (more like a curse) or there are so many good things, because it is mostly bad. Shame on God for letting us suffer. I hate him very much. Letting bad things happen is just about as bad as doing bad things. God is lazy and he either doesn't care or he laughs at us when something bad happens. I have cried out to him so many times and I am done with him. I would appreciate any feedback you might have. thanks
  20. I'm coming out of a long-term relationship. Less than one month after my ex dumped me, she got engaged to one of her friends (pretty messed-up, I know)! I've felt pretty down and lonely since then. I was walking around today and thinking. I believe I've found myself today. My loneliness has been grating on me for a few months now. Sometimes it hurts a lot. Sometimes it's just a dull feeling in the back of my mind. But it's always there. I can't say if I miss my ex, or if I just miss being in a relationship. Probably the latter. I feel like my pain comes from an inability to accept myself…to love myself. On some level I feel like I need to be with someone to validate myself…to prove that I'm a valuable person—a worthy person. I think my ex must feel the same way, hence the engagement so soon after our break-up. She hasn't even resolved all of her emotions for me yet! She's afraid of being alone. She's uncomfortable being with herself. She's hiding from herself—masking her deep internal pain with a new fiancé. In a way, I pity her, and I hope that her desperation to mask her internal shame with her new engagement doesn't hurt her too badly when it all blows up. I'm taking the other path. I've decided that I need to deal with my own self-rejection first. I need to love myself. Otherwise, I'll never be able to truly love another person. I'd be just like her. In fact right now, I am just like her. I go out with friends and have a good time! I feel great! But as soon as I get home, and I'm alone again, I feel empty. I'm hungry for more human interaction. More approval. It's like there's a hole in me. I try to fill it with companionship, friends, hugs, kisses, sex, and anything else; but nothing I do fills it in. I still feel empty, and I want more companionship, friends, hugs, kisses, sex, etc. I can never get enough. Some people (like my ex) would confuse this with love for the people that provide them with all of the above, but I know it's really just a symptom of not loving yourself. The hole I sense in myself is my own self-rejection. I can't run from it anymore. I can't hide it or cover it up with other people or things. I need to take the higher path and battle my inner demons, look myself in the face, and say "I love you!" I need to accept myself. I can see that now. If I don't, then I'll have gained nothing from this break-up. That's my thought for the day.
  21. And not caring about it one way or another. Highly underrated! I made the decision after my last tryst with my ex. It was a foolish decision, but I did learn my lesson. Won't be doing that again. Does anyone else find it incredibly freeing to just be on your own? All that energy to give back to yourself, instead of diffusing out in pursuit. I feel like I've realized a few really important things. 1) I am not a relationship. - this means my self worth, my happiness, my life does not ever EVER have to be grounded again due to a break-up or death or tragedy. For real! 2) I don't NEED an SO. Sure, it's nice. But confusing wanting and needing is dangerous. 3) Nothing and no one is as important to me as me. That's right. I said it. And it feels good. I feel less angry - less frustrated - my worth is not on the line now. I can assert much better without feeling so threatened. It's the funniest thing. I am getting asked on more dates now than ever in my life, more attention more interest more of what I always wanted - it feels like it is all falling in my lap. But, I don't really want it terribly right now. I feel blessed. The difference is HUGE. Now I feel I have time to consider, truly consider my options. And being solo for however long I want is a valid option. Only thing is...many people really do think it somewhat peculiar a choice, eh? I won't bother aching my head over why, but I find it a little peculiar to get that reaction. Anyhow, just an update on my healing. Though I will always care about the well-being of my ex, I feel like I am truly 'moving on'. A new life cycle has begun. And it feels great. peace all.
  22. I have been going through some ups and downs with my girlfriend (who came back to me after strict NC). Its amazing, but I have decided to focus on myself more, and I have seen some positive changes in my girlfriend. Does this mean I am becoming an SOB? By no means. I still love my girl, its just I also loving myself a little more. Its not uncommon to lose yourself when you give love to someone. We tend to put them on a pedestal, and make them the center of our happiness. I have done that, and its caused me pain and frustration. Then there is the part of me that says, how do fall in love if you are not vulnerable. Its impossible to be in love, and not always think of the person. But here is what I have learned. No matter how much we love the person, we always need to love ourselves. You hear it said all the time. How can you love someone, if you don't love yourself, but its true. I will give you an example of what I mean. Last week, my girlfriend tells me about a church function she is attending. She tells me "you are welcome to come". I said yeah I will go. Then I thought about it. I didn't sound like she really wanted me to go. So I decided to change my mind and go to my work Christmas party. I have decided, if she is not that excited for me to go, I am not going. Is that a little extreme? Perhaps, but that is my personal boundary that I am not going to allow anyone cross anymore. Why? Because I am starting to love myself more. I am starting to believe I am the prize, and that my time, love and attention is a privledge, not a right. A few months ago. I would have questioned her about did she ask me in that way. I would have come off very insecure, and needy, and that would have driven her away. Its because I was believing she was the end all to my happiness, and if she doesn't love me I won't survive. That is far from the truth. I have had a revelation, and I hope you will get it also. Here it is, I had a life before her and if things don't work out I will have a life after her. That is it. Its that simple. SuperDave said something in another post that really rings true. You significant doesn't hurt you. You allowed them to hurt you. Now, I realize that we allow our mates to hurt us, because we love them, and its almost impossible not get hurt. However, if you start to notice a pattern of disrespect, infidelity, or and in some cases abuse. You need to let them know, and if it happens again you cut the cord. Yes, its harsh, but if you truly love yourself, you must Yeah, I am sure you will have conflicting feelings. On the one hand you feel you will miss the person and miss the companionship. On the other hand you suddenly feel the integrity you have toward your self. Every time you give in to your weaknesses and allow yourself to be strung along and disrespected, you are diminished. Every time you stand up for yourself, even when it's painful, you grow, and it changes everything for the better. When you realize you can overcome your own weaknesses and act in a manner that says I respect myself, you gain confidence in yourself. It permeates everything you do from then on. I encourage everyone, and this is for me also, because I need it just as much as anyone. Reflect on you current situation and ask. What would happen if I stood up for myself? What would happen if I really loved myself, and respected myself. Would I be where I am now? Would I be crying over my ex leaving me? Would I still be in this relationship? If you answered no to any of those quesitons, you have made a step in getting yourself back. Perhaps this is my cheesy rallying cry, but I am sick of being crapped on. I am sick of hearing all the heartbreaking stories on this board. I believe many of them would have been avoided if we just stood up for ourselves. One more thing. Don't ever underestimate how resiliant you are. Our hearts and emotions can take a beating, but if you want, you can use it to empower yourself and others. Just read SuperDave's posts, and you will see what I mean. Anyway, just my 2 cents. You can keep the change. God Bless!
  23. I'm feeling really very confused lately. I don't really know what to do. My counselor has been out of town for at least a month now. Anywho, I don't know who I am. Since the rape I've just been trying to make it through life. Most of the time life's stresses kept my mind occupied. But now, things are different. There is a lot more time on my hands. How do I begin to be okay with me again? I have to live with myself, if no one else, and I'm finding it unbearable these days. Has anyone ever been in this situation before? How do you go from hating yourself to loving yourself again???
  24. im totally messed up inside. there are chinks in my armor that im afraid everyone can see. i've been through so much rotten stuff in the past few years and it's been for a combination of different major reasons. - bad people - bad situations - bad choices - not knowing any better - losing my identity - abuse & crazy psycho ex - culture barriers - not having any to talk to or learn from - learning from those worse than me - depression - bad attitude etc. etc. because of this, so many traumatic things haunt me and hurt me. i dont hurt people. instead....i am a selfblamer. ridden with guilt, anger, shame at the self-hurt and self-abuse and slow destruction of myself. inside i partially hate myself, partially dont want to live, but yet i do love myself and want to live. i just wish i could start my life all over again because i wouldnt do the same things or make the same choices and i wouldn't let abusive hurtful ppl in ever again. it's always been other people that have hurt me more than anything else in this world. and im sick and disgusted. that somehow bad ppl get to me, hurt me and i am left feeling sick and digusted and so much selfhatred at myself because of them, because of what they have influenced me to do or the way they have left me feeling about myself. it brings me a lot of pain to speak of them.....i wanted to write it out.......it hurts...badly and deeply.
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