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About Me

  1. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  2. I have recently broken up with my girlfriend I now wake up and observe who I have become, and I don't like it. I'm quieter, more stuck up, less friendly, less interesting. I prefer the person I used to be. I feel like she has drained the life out of me... Anywayz... here I awake, this much more quiet person, less sociable, feeling pretty much dead and lonely. So how do I become again who I was, the louder and amusing entertainer? I've lost touch with many friends and those I have not lost touch with are mostly too busy. So how do I make new friends again, get that feeling of being completely free and return to that lovable, seducing and charming person I used to be, who always had too many parties to go to at once, a plan or three for the night and would be the person you would call when you wanted to have some fun? I want to love myself again... -
  3. I'm not happy w/ myself, but for the past few years I've tried to push myself further, hoping that things will get better. Once in awhile, things go well. But so often, I find myself relapsing, and miserable. I have my whole life in front of me, but at times, I feel like I could just fall over and give up. I'm tired of living such a boring life-- but this I can't change, I'm still in school and I need to work. What I've always wanted was a wonderful boyfriend. But that's not happening. I know... I've heard it all before, I've even said it myself as advice to others-- you have plenty of time for guys, you'll meet Mr. Right, a guy should not be your number one priority, etc, etc, etc.... I'd need to love myself first to be in a healthy relationship, but I don't even know where to start anymore. I don't know what I'm doing w/ myself anymore. I don't have any energy. I feel like I'm just drifting away. Everything's just passing me by, and it all means nothing. Everything is starting to bring me down even more. When I try to show interest in a guy, I get too shy and just wait for things to happen. Whenever someone else criticizes me, I take it really hard. I do'nt know what to do anymore... I feel like such a waste....
  4. My definition of a relationship is a partnership between two people which forms a bond that can't be broken. I think to be in a relationship besides having to love yourself, you need to view your partner as your equal, you need to be able to make compromises and you have to be able to communicate effectively without hurting your partner. I don't feel you need to have a million things in common to have an effective and truly loving relationship, I think its even better when you have differences as then you learn more about that person which is exciting in itself. I think in a relationship you need to be willing to make sacrifices, you need to be willing to make time for your partner, you need to be willing to work at a relationship combining passion, communication, and dedication. I think the only constant in life as well as in a relationship should be "change" I think if change doesn't occur and your in a relationship to settle then it'll never last. I'd like to hear other peoples opinons on what they think their definition of a truly loving and fulfilling relationship is
  5. To be honest i really do want a boyfriend, i meen as a sohpmore it seems like everyone is dating and i just feel kind of left out. Thing is i've come to realize that the people that do have meaningful relationships with guys or are just dating, although maybe not that gorgeous, are really comfortabe with themselves and honestly wouldn't mind being single. So, basically i want to know how i can learn to be happy by myself. I really want that intimacy with a guy ( emotional not physical) but i feel like before i can have that i have to be willing to be by myself and accept/love myself. How do i go about doing this?
  6. Raindrops drip slowly from within my heart, Underneath all this pain I had from the start. I gaze up to the sky and feel the wind blow, I take a breath of air to deal with what I know. Starting to walk I come accross a flower, But dont forget about my heart shower. People tell me to look within my self to be, Like the sun that is shining over me. I take somemore steps a thundestorm is on its way, The clouds become dark is everything ok? The lighting strikes I begin to melt, The sun goes away and this boom I felt. I begin to run away to find somewhere to hide, I go through this tunnel that is called pride. Im at the end of the tunnel I slowly realize, There was no sun it was all a disquise. I continue to run to hide from this place, This place with no light no flower no trace. I look around to see why im here, I look above to only see clear. I am trying to make it to a place I feel good, Do all the things I know I should, A place where I can say that I have found me, This place to where I can be what I want to be, They say to love you must love within, Everything in me is beginning to spin. Where am I going how did I get here, I am tired of trying and holding in that tear, Why dont everyone leave me be, Stop trying to make me what they want me to be. Why cant people love someone just for them, Why do they have to be a flower built by someone elses stem My heart is crying because I did nothing wrong, Cant I just feel like I belong? Is it so hard for the storms to go away, For this sun I never see to come out today? So in your life please listen to me, Be whoever you want to be. Go through the storm it will make you stronger, Take more time to stay in the sun longer. Do not let someone take you for granted, Be the flower of life that you planted. Dont ever feel like you dont belong, Everyones music in lifes song. Love the people that are there for you, Be true to yourself even if your blue. When your down just smile and say, I love myself I will be ok Anyone have there opinions please leave some I am not very well but I try
  7. Hi there, My name is Chris and I am 29 years old. I very recently broke up with a girl that I loved very much and am in the process of healing. I have always wrote in these times but have never shared any of it with anyone. Please I would appreiciate your feedback. The first is a poem that I wrote last night and below are basically some of my thoughs that just poured out of me. Thanks Chris Live from the heart Love from the heart Love yourself like nothing else in life Be all that you want and more through the gift of self love Nothing in life is unattainable Nothing in love is unattainable All that we are is a boundless energy of love Give to others the benefits of your love Smile at everyone you meet Give to others the benefits of your touch Touch the people in life, who look like they need affection Never close the door on anything until you are finished realizing what it was Always leave your heart open to new experiences and live for today and not what will be Stay in the moment Don't look back and don't look to far forward It could all be over tomorrow Don't let the negativity of others get you down When we love ourselves we are the greatest gifts to others Don't be afraid, take on the things and embrace your fears, realize what they are and let them go Live for today and learn all that you can Live from your heart, and love from your heart Who we are and what makes us beautiful is the trying times that we endure .We become stronger and our endless potential flourishes when we realize that our lives are in a difficult and trying time. Our spirit is at its strongest when fear and self doubt enter our beautiful minds. When our lives seem unmanageable and the stresses of others seep into our subconscious is when it is time to take stock of your true being and unleash all the love that is already exist inside all of us. We must truly love ourselves at these times and realize that all is not lost. Our inner power is endless and tapping into that is what makes the self love sing and energize our mind, body and soul. It is at this time that we must be soft to ourselves and reach out if necessary to the ones that mean so much to us. To pick up the phone and let our thoughts out to the people that we trust won't judge us. We have to find what in our lives truly brings happiness to our hearts and invest our time in the parts of life that make us happy. Being truly happy and loving ourselves comes from the inside and not from the quick fixes that surround all of us in this day and age. We must not succumb to the endless amounts of distraction. Sit and read a book that makes you happy, take a long or short walk and listen to the beautiful sounds of nature. Listen to music that makes you feel energized and happy and brings out you personal emotions and listen and feel those emotions. Meditate; thinking of the person that you want to be and not the person that society wants you to be. Write down you goals for the day or for the year or whatever you feel is right. There is so much to be seen and realized that most of the people on this earth never realize. To see these wonderful things however takes a lot of discipline and hard work. We must stick to our devotion of self love and the world as we know it will change in ways that we never imagined. Doors will open; people that we never thought that we would meet will suddenly appear and bring joy and harmony into our lives. I promise you that all the happiness is inside all of us and when we can tap into our god given resources everything will fall into place. God Bless
  8. Dear reader, I have seen several postings about people having low self-esteem. I am sorry that you feel that way, but I do relate to you, since I had this problem myself. Yes, dear reader ... HAD!!! My low self-esteem was just a small part of a much bigger problem: being pestered in school during childhood and teenage years. That does something to one's self-esteem and self confidence. Anyway, enough talking, let's get down to the trick. This trick does not work overnight... it takes a little time. As of a few months ago I started to sing, because someone told me that it sounded really great. I recorded myself, but oh oh oh ... I thought I sounded so bad. Still others found it great. I thought about this and what I did to overcome my low self confidence on this, is I kept singing and I kept listening to myself. As of now, I find it pretty normal when I hear myself singing and I feel okay with it. In fact, I am in peace with this. This works for pretty much anything! You think you don't look good? Stand in front of the mirror for 15 minutes every day and stare at yourself, not missing one piece of your body. Meanwhile keep this in mind: you have to love yourself first, before you can entirely love someone else I hope this helped some of you ... good luck!! ~ SwingFox ~
  9. Hello! Really need some advice on this! I am 29 and have been in 4 physically abusive relationships. In fact the last one tried to kill me. This was 3 years ago and I have been single ever since. I taught myself how to self love and work on ME! I am probably partially afraid to get back into dating because of my past as well. So about 6 months ago a guy comes into my life. I have known him for 10 years but we never got close like this before. He lives across the country and came out to visit me for a week. It was a very nice visit and the plan ended up being that he would move in with me 4 months later. Now this is the most loving, caring, considerate person I have ever met. The kind of person who makes the thought pop up "Do I really deserve someone like this?" Everything was fine actually, no complaints. Now I am seeing excessive phone calling, texting, asking why I didn't answer if my online status was "offline". I do have a special needs child so I am not near my phone all the time. I am a quiet person and I keep to myself. A day home watching movies and going outside to the playground is usually my routine. Sometimes I don't even touch my messages for days. I've addressed this with him stating that I feel overwhelmed with the online status checking and phone calls. He didn't understand but said okay. Later he says he understands. I was offline all day on facebook and skype. I went to the grocery store with my son. I come home and start to cook dinner. I sign into my X-Box and within 10 seconds get a phone call. Asking me what I have been up to and I could have told him where I was. I am used to being alone and not having to check in with people. I am pretty independent, but is that a bad thing? He has been told in the past by other people that he's clingy and "too much" I am worried that if he really does move in it'll get worse. Am I being unreasonable? Would love opinions outside of my own head.
  10. Chronic illness is like thief that comes in the night. It steals from you. It robs you of your friends, your job, your self worth, self esteem, your social life and leaves you feeling that IT has all the power and you have almost no control over your life anymore. I am a spiritual person and do alot of praying. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. For the first 50 years of my life, I was very healthy and active. I had a job, a great social life, a boyfriend, and life was wonderful. Then I woke up one day with a migraine that became so bad, I went to the emergency room. After that night, my life changed forever. I recovered from the migraine, thankfully, but I began to experience atypical facial pain. Not to bore you with a long story of how the last 13 years have radically changed, but I know that living day to day with a chronic illness is not easy, especially when you don't have a great support system in place, I would love to hear from those on that are on this forum to share their experience and how you deal with something like this. Thank you for listening. :-)
  11. Today is my last post ( ). I had decided to post till 16th of November and I am glad I posted here daily. But the progress is nothing, nothing at all. I still miss him terribly, I still feel bad for the mistakes I had committed, which ultimately led/ forced him to break up with me. Even though I apologised and did everything I could to save the relationship, but I couldn't . I couldn't save the relationship. I know he's gone, I know he's not mine anymore, I know he's way too ahead now, I know I pushed him away. But I want to move on now, I want to live my life and stop crying. I do everything to stop him to cross my mind. I wake up.early, study, go for a morning run, then get ready for the classes (preparing for competitive exams to have a good job), come back from classes, take a nap, then roam around in the evening and again study then hit the sack. I do accept I am not a good person, but yes, I have learned my lessons. And I know I can't have him anymore. My problem is when I'll begin to forget him. When I'll begin to take it lightly. When I'll begun to make a real progress. When I'll stop regretting that I have lost him. When I'll begin to laugh remembering this hurt and pain. When I'll realise we weren't bound to be together and someone better and awesome is yet to come. When I'll stop whining about him in my heart and head and here on ENA. When will I begin to love and forgive myself for all the mistakes I had committed for all the flaws I have/had?
  12. Somebody told me something that made me wake up & snap out of this reality I've been in for years.Recently I came out to a co-worker, it's fine because I really trust her. What makes it funny is that she's bisexual.We kept an agreement to keep our sexuality a secret in the workplace. We had a deep conversation today & she pointed out that the main reason that I'm not happy is because I've never really been myself! I haven't been, I've always had to lie & say I was straight to family & friends. In all of my life I did things to please people but when in reality.. I should have been learning to love myself & becoming a strong independent human being. Where has all of this lying got me, no where really. I mean I was embarrassed to even have people think I was gay but it's like no it doesn't matter. I'm thinking about being more open with my sexuality.The fact that it's hard for me to make friends & find real people depresses me. I was teased in elementary through high school because some people still thought I was gay. I admit that maybe I am a little noticeably gay but I'm more comfortable now with myself. I tried to cover it up so hard, not realising that if people are not going to like me for me, then it's their lost. What really hurts me though is I find that alot of people don't like me just for being me over the years.I was either too lame,ugly,weird or gay for anybody. I see that in the workplace now. It makes me strong but there are times I just wish I was like everyone else. I mean I never cause harm to anybody but it always always seem like I'm the one miserable when I don't deserve it. I once was depressed but I'm just tired of people around me in general. Everyone seems so judgemental & everyone's scared of something different.I spend lots of time to myself & I'm reading books. I just would like to have more of a social life. Will being more open with myself make me happy.. I don't know maybe.. but I will try to love myself & be happy.. such a hard thing to do when nobody else seems to not like me.
  13. Love is something you can't force, It is a rare emotion that many abuse, Love is special something to hold, Hate yourself you cannot love, Love yourself others can love you, Love and hate go hand in hand. To love is strange if just feels right, Hate is forced like a candle to light, Its only the lucky who find true love, True love is never really there, Its something to work at, something to hold, Its something that many of us wish we had, Again this poem is written by two people, me and my gf __X
  14. so yes, almost 3 weeks of nc.no calling no txting no e-mailing. trying to survive. learning more about myself. being stronger each day. self confidence on the rise. regained the discipline and self control. loving myself each day. there are times that i miss her. but i realize that it's just that i "want" her not "need" her. but in truth i miss her as a person. it's tough, but i'm getting there. but soon enough i'll be that man she once fell for or better yet a completely new man better than the old me, that even if she doesn't come back, i know i'm a catch for someone else. had a nightmare of her though. where i went to an apartment to get all my stuff back, and there she was coming out of the elevator saying nasty things to me, in which i stormed out of the building. gosh. anyways after her text message ( the one about her apologizing about calling me at work, how she wanted to know how i was and how she wanted to return my book, in addition where she was flying to.) 1 week later i received several phone calls. she called my home phone. but i wasn't at home. she called my cell phone but my cell phone wasn't on me either. she called my cell several times back to back. i don't know what to do now. call her back? could it be an emergency? i don't know.
  15. I would have started this topic going on about how lonely and depressed I am etc, but I realised that if I stay in this mindset I'm not going to get very far. I dremt the other night that living in the now was better than spending all my time playing the victim and being depressed and thats what I'm hoping to do. I can be a confident and funny person when I'm around people I know, but whenever I'm in public I go completely shy. I've met a few guys this year that have shown interest in me, but I missed my chances with them because of low self esteem. I look around and see people happly in love or kissing thier signifcant other. Everyone from every walk of life, ugly, beautiful, rich, poor and for some reason I seem to find a lot of things wrong with me. I need to learn to be happy just being me. I know it's a confidence thing and when I don't talk to people it's like no one wants to know me, but I don't know how to open up to them. I have ADD and I know that has affected my confidence, but I know that I can overcome it if I try. I can't go on with being this shy little loner, there's so much I want to do and I really want to make some new friends and meet someone I can date. I can think of good points about myself, but then I'll see someone that does something better or looks better and then I start the self critism. I've been reading alot of self help books and they've been helping alot, but I need ideas. I'm sure I could fake or act the confidence it's just believing in myself and have more self love so that I don't need to fake it. I need ideas on how to have better body language and conversational tips ad stuff like that. Does anyone have any advice or know any good sites I can try? Thanks, Tiki
  16. My b/f & I have been off & on for over 4 years now... he was my first everything, we decided in September we were going to try to make it work, for good this time, b/c no matter what either of us would do, we always wound up back together. I love him, I fell head over heals in love with him four years ago, and nothing's changed. He is in the Navy, so I don't get to see him as much as I would like to.....anyway, for Christmas, instead of coming home , he went to Kansas with his friend to go to his wedding... & now its been 5 days since I've talked to him. He gets so mad at me when I say something about him cheating or being with another girl, he says I'm just being dumb, that I have no reason to worry...HA. easy for him mabye. How can I be expected not to think somethings up, when he gives me every reason to think that. I love him more than I love myself, the last thing I want to do is lose him again, but what are you supposed to do when you are with the person you know you want to spend your life with, but most of the time you hurt more than your happy?? HELP!
  17. I am goingt o share this with you men out there because it has help me see thru the game of tug a war. I was told this by an older gentleman today after i told him my story about me trying to get my 'soulmate' back, "you are a disgrace to men !" OUCH! He further explains that you are a MAN, you have the balls, so act like a friging man! (btw he was a hell lot more explict with his language) *A man don't ever let anyone disrespect him in any way, No one disrespects him and if they do he would just cut them off. SIMPLE. So has your 'loved' one disrespected you? *A man doesnt ever demotes hiimself to a lower level, especailly to a woman that he 'loves'. have you disrespected yourself by grovalling to get her attention? if so be a MAN get up and move on, you have lowered yourself far enough. *A man is a KING within his domain Are you confident with yourself and who you are? if yes then good, then good move on, If you say no then get your lazy [Removed by Moderator] up and start being a man that you should be. You dont need anyone elses attention, you are the man. Get the hell up, dust yourself off and move on and dont lok back. *Man will put himself at the top of the priority list. Are you on top of your game? if she is on top of you on the priority list then knock he the hell down, you should be the top. Who is going to be there for you when you are sick? her? i dont think so. The only person that is going to be there in imes of trouble is you yourself. So start looking after yourself and start having some respect for yourself. You have gotten this far in life without her because you were on the top of your prioirity list she wasnt there from the very start. *lastly, do you really think that a woman respect a guy that is grovelling at her feet? Would you respect a guy that is grovelling at your feet and doing eveything for you, even though you know it is the wrong thing to do? like begging for the attention. NO it dont think so. Women has always like a confident man by her side, not a wimp! So i hope this helped you guys, i knowit has helped me. Now get off your [Removed by Moderator], get up and move on to see a bigger world. She might then realise that you have moved on and try coming back. There is on thing that i have to add to that. Never do the changes for her, do it for yourself. Because if you do these changes for her, and it isn’t true, and IF she comes back, she will discover that it is a fake and then REALLY disrespect you. Which would mean that you are back in the hole of disrepecting yourself again, thus you haven't move on! get it! THIS SHOULD NOT BE A GAME, it is about you and yourself respect. THE GAME WILL STOP when you decide that you are a man and take a position of a man. Which means that NO ONE screws with your self respect and your self worth even yourself!
  18. I do. In spite of the countless missteps I've taken throughout my life I think my heart's in the right place. I try to make amends for my mistakes and spread cheer whenever I can. Do you? Why or why not?
  19. Hello, I do want to start by saying that I have been seeing a therapist for several months now to deal with my insecurity issues and inability for self love. I have been in a relationship with a really mentally healthy guy for 6 months now. I’m having a really hard time. I don’t express my wants, mainly because my wants are to see him every day and to have his attention all the time. So I become anxious and overwhelmed then I lash out and blow up. I become pushy and it pushes him away. It’s so easy to logically see that this is not normal behavior. That this behavior will definitely push anyone away. I know I need to take time to heal myself and to focus on myself. I need to learn to love myself. But it’s so hard. How do you find something that excites you when the relationship is the only thing that excites you? How do you distract yourself when your mind just goes straight back to the relationship? All the talks with the therapist but I can’t seem to do well. None of this is keeping me from sabotaging relationships. Every single romantic relationship I go in, I become too attached and lose myself entirely. How do you stop this? I’ve watch YouTube videos on self love, relationships, how to detach. Nothing is helping. I don’t want to be medicated. I just don’t know what to do. I know this guy loves me. He cares so much and does all these things for me. He’s not a very vocally affirming person. He does it sometimes. But I would want to hear affirmations every sing hour, every single day. If I don’t get reassurance I start thinking he doesn’t care or love me. Which I know, logically, that’s not true. I am partially seeking advice, or seeing if there are others who feel like this too, and to also just get this out there. Thank you for reading this.
  20. Hi all, It's been pretty much a year since I last saw my ex. I have taken this year to do some deep internal searching and focusing on myself. As I have said in previous posts, I had a particularly difficult upbringing and I realized after this break up I've never really confronted a lot of the traumas I've been through or even taken the time to think about how they might have affected me as a person. I never realized the pattern in my choosing guys that are unavailable and uncommunicative, much like my father, and giving way too much of myself when I know better. I also never realized how much I need to learn to love myself, which brings me to this forum again after months. I completely took a break from guys, I kissed a guy at a party in January but other than that it's been a solid year with no dating. I have a guy that just started at my job who I find really attractive and he singled me out from my other coworkers to ask to hang out sometime and got my number. I really don't want to date a coworker bc I feel it's not very professional, but while I was driving I was thinking about dating him just as a hypothetical scenario and I felt this weird feeling that I couldn't put my finger on. It was a mix of finding him attractive but also feeling so unmotivated to even pursue anything, with anyone not just him. The strange part is that I've been starting to feel kind of lonely these past couple months and have been thinking about maybe dating if the opportunity ever presented itself. I realized the feelings I felt were discouragement from being hurt in the past and insecurity also from being hurt but mainly from not understanding what he sees in me. And I find it so exhausting and kind of obnoxious to feel this way and so contradicting from what I want which is to eventually find healthy love. I don't feel like it's that I still have feelings for my ex, it's that I need confidence in myself and I wish I could break down this great wall of China I've been building since the age of 3. I know the obvious is therapy, which I just got new insurance so I'm going to ask for a referral. I also go to church so that helps me a lot but it's only once a week. I just want to know if anyone has suggestions for loving yourself on a day to day basis and forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt in the past. Thanks!
  21. I'm not dating anyone (trying to love myself before trying again) this is mainly something about my friend. Wouldn't you consider someone whose meets up with a man for more than 6 months your boyfriend. I know for a fact that neither one is seeing anyone else but both of them refuse to ask each other if they want to be exclusive. I know to let them be and let them define their own relationship but in my mind I just kinda assume their bf and gf since they have been together for 6 months. It's just a light question please don't take it very seriously.
  22. Does anyone ever feel like the most frustrating thing about themselves is when their weaknesses don't allow your strengths to shine though? I'm confident I'm good at a lot of things, but because of my social awkwardness and my struggle to feel awake no matter how healthy I keep myself, and on top of that being an introvert and taking a while to warm up to people, I feel like I'm being held back in life. I've had a lot of missed opportunities. Not because I didn't go for it or take a risk, and not because I'm awful at what I do.. but because I suck at connecting with others and maintaining relationships with them. I have a lot of "off" days, and when I'm feeling off, I get extremely quiet, irritable, and tired. I don't feel like engaging with anyone, nor am I interested in what they have to say. All I can think about it wanting to go home to relax and recharge. I feel like I make people uncomfortable, or make people think I don't like them. I feel really tired and it leaves me looking lifeless and feeling emotionless. It often feels like my soul is trapped inside my body screaming to get out. At heart, I enjoy being sociable with friends, traveling, and having fun, and a small handful of people who are close to me see me in that light. It just sucks... because I feel like no one else truly gets to see the real me. I've always been a quiet person. Not shy... just quiet and bad at conversation beyond small talk. But I don't believe I'm boring, I know about a lot of things, it's just when I'm talking to people in the moment, I forget about everything I know and get easily distracted. I wouldn't be surprised if I have ADD as well. Half the time I have no idea what people are talking about, because I zone out, or I can't follow others speech fast enough. So I just stay quiet and pretend I know what's going on instead. I feel like this is preventing my success in life... I need to make relationships in order to be successful with a career. I thought maybe if I just work really hard at something and get really good at something... it would be good enough for someone. But I've realized none of that matters. Relationships matter more than skill, because people would rather work with someone who they enjoy being around. Can anyone relate? What kind of therapy should I look into? On top of possibly being clinically depressed (runs in my family)... because I have nothing traumatic to be sad about... except for what I've written above, which I do cry over from time to time, and I do experience extreme lows and put my self worth down completely because I fail at building relationships and expressing myself and conversing. I know I have it in my to try. Every single day I force myself to be physically active, eat healthy, and be a better person. I cannot force myself to engage with others though... there is some sort of block. I'm so tired of being this person who I'm not. :(
  23. Hi guys, I am a long time lurker but this is my first post asking for advise so please go easy on me ! Yesterday I given notice that I am going to be made redundant at the end of the month after 14+ years with my company. While I was expecting this to happen by the end of the year it has still come as a shock. I'm still waiting to find out what sort of a package I am going to be offered but I am really worrying now about having to find a new job. My confidence isn't the best and I'm not great at highlighting my skills (tend to dwell on what I can't do rather than what I can). I guess really I'm asking is how can I improve my sense of self worth so that I can give myself the best possible shot of getting a new job sooner rather than later ? Is life coaching something maybe that would help me with this ?
  24. Hi all, although I am a regular on this site with my "When it gets dark.." thread, it has been a while since I have come here for advice. And I feel I should have done so a long while ago. In advance before I get into it, I know what you are thinking- "This girl is an idiot". And you would be right. But I'm helpless when it comes to spotting the signs of a bad relationship and I am pretty much incapable of loving myself enough to walk away. So I guess I'll start from the beginning... As some of you may have seen from my previous threads, the guy in question is "Mr Perfect". I know, I thought I had finally found a good one. Turns out I'm a magnet for toxicity. So like every relationship, it was amazing to start with. Better than amazing actually. But from early on things went so downhill. (Ive come to the conclusion that in order for this to be successful I need to be honest with everything so I won't spare any details). So, again from a previous thread you might see that I was a dancer, hence the profile name. I met this guy whilst I was a dancer. And obviously I am aware that is a very bad way to meet a person. He didn't like the fact I was doing this for a job and so after a while I gave it up and got a new job. He would always start over little things. Always get me to the point of crying my eyes out and ending up ill before he would come back around and say things were fine and that I was the one who needed to change. He started to get very secretive, he would hardly ever message me in the evenings, he would get mad over little things. He would follow loads of girls and make up excuses like it was an accident. (Fair enough following them but the excuses made me suspicious). Fast forward a year and everything was awful, I lost so much weight, I suffered with bad anxiety, I couldn't eat. I got really ill. I found out he was messaging other girls and so I ended it. I so stupidly took him back, I know, I'm and idiot for all of those who want to jump on here and slate me for that (Its yet to get worse so sit tight!!). We were slowly working through things and then he asked a girl to go home with him when he was on a night out, swore on my life he knew her from work and then I later found out he was trying to get into her pants. (Real charmer, eh?) so obviously, I ended it. That was it as far as I was concerned, I didn't want to know him after that. It was close to my birthday and he dropped a present off with one of my family members. Long story short, I took him back again. (You must wanna shake me and call me a complete idiot, right?! Yeah me too!!) Again, things were great to start with, as usual. But then it started to get bad again until a few months ago I caught him out messaging another girl, we had set him up but I had my suspicions as he was acting real shady, following and unfollowing her and liking and unliking her photos so I asked her and she told me that he had followed her around the gym, not talking to her, and then found her on social media that same day (Creep, I know!!). So I ended it again, and for the first time in forever I felt amazing. I started eating more, I made more time for friends, I woke up early in the morning to do stuff. I really was so so happy. Then he emailed me. Apologising and saying all the typical stuff of how much I mean and that he's realised what he has lost and that if he could do it again he would change everything and make it right. That he would spend more time with me and put more effort in and that I was all that mattered to him. (I know what you are thinking ;)) So, I took him back again. (I KNOW YOU MUST WANT TO LITERALLY SHAKE ME BY THIS POINT I KNOW!!!). As you can imagine, the effort was amazing to start with. I made it clear my trust would not come easy and he said that was fine. He was making more of an effort to see me and do things and I whole heartedly thought that maybe he has realised. Maybe he's finally grown up. Fast forward to now, hahahahahahaha. Yeah, he didn't change. He hardly ever wants to see me, he gets angry over little things such as asking if he is okay and then he has the nerve to say that I am the one pushing him away. He blamed it on me every time he attempted to cheat. Suddenly the gym is way more important than me again. I just feel like a guy of his age (28) surely should have different priorities of settling down and pulling his finger out to treat me better than he has previously? Am I wrong for thinking that? I guess my question is surely this isn't right? I have been so good to him but its just like he doesn't see my worth. I have looked into narcissism and he fits the bill perfectly. He starts arguments and then blames me. If I'm not happy with something and I try to voice it I'm "arguing". No matter how calmly I say it he thinks that I am trying to start something. I know the answer is obvious, I know that, but I just need help settling it in. Today has been another bad day with him and I just said that I feel as though he is taking me for granted once again. (This all started over me asking if he was okay by the way). I just feel like he is very childish and surely this is not normal behaviour for a guy of his age? Before anyone jumps on here saying that I should have learned my lesson by now, I know. And I know I have been an idiot but I was so desperate for him to change. Do people like that actually change? Or does it take losing something for good to make them realise?
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