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mmmending

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  1. mmmending
    Thoughtful, and beautifully articulated post, charley.
  2. mmmending
    .. for that matter, without practice and the kindhearted patience for self that comes with practice, how could I be expected to investigate anything to know it? Sorry, a little self-referential on my part, taken from another thread of yours, but, you sound very hard on your case in recent posts.. please have a look here, too.. gentle, gentle.. m.
  3. mmmending
    AntiLove, Maybe this is simplistic of me. We, as humans, seem to ignore that we are the sum of our parts - it is what it is. We get so spun out into focussing on parts of the whole, most often, the negative ones. Here, we enable conditions which lead to pure suffering, and become so attached to that suffering we just cannot or will not see what is kind, happy, tender, helpful and so on, about us. Perhaps the concerns you raise are a matter of never having been shown how to do any of these things? Do we expect babies to just walk without guidance and practice? We have so little patience for ourselves and each other at times. We.. in honesty, I expect myself just to spontaneously "know". Without experience, how can I "know" anything? Please be kind to yourself.
  4. mmmending
    The ethical dilemma isn't that you have something in common. Rather, it is a matter of whether your involvement with him would place you in a situation of preferential treatment vis-a-vis your grades. It appears that this power dynamic is clearly no longer a factor in your relationship. If I understand your post correctly, the richness of your rapport really didn't begin until you were in different locales anyway, and began online correspondence. As for the long distant aspect to your question, I don't have a specific opinion about that as a phenom. as such. What I would suggest, however, is that you get very specific with yourself in youself (yes, I meant to say it that way) about what a relationship satisfies for you, and get very specific about what you can tolerate in an extroardinary relationship such as a long distance one. For some, the separation, lack of physical contact, fragmented communication is very difficult to sustain, and leads to a lot of suffering. Hope this helps.. m.
  5. mmmending
    Antilove, Oh.. I hear your suffering, yet through all of it, and truly in spite of BPD, the soft, thoughtful, articulate, insightful, frank and fearlessly vulnerable woman emerges in the forefront. Clearly, despite its affliction, BPD isn't "you". "You" are so much more than BPD, AntiLove. Please take good care.. m. Itsallgrand puts it so beautifully...
  6. mmmending
    HEEEE!!! .. tho' at times, truth is stranger than fiction. Fun, thank you!
  7. mmmending
    This question is sitting with me. Over the last week in particular, I've been wondering about this, too. I'm baffled about my own circumstances, and wonder about my behaviour at the end of my relationship, as well as about my ex'. Simplified version, I initiated the breakup and see that I spoke very unskillfully to her in our last conversation. I can "rationalize" why and list all kinds of so-called reasons - nevertheless, it doesn't change the fact that I spoke in a very unskillful way. What hurts, is that I hurt someone whom I love very much. What hurts is that I could see myself literally dying in her eyes as the conversation ended. "What" I needed to say was important and worthy. "How" I said it really ensured that I was not going to be heard. I'm having trouble letting go. I'm grieving in a big way. If I can come up with any coherent insight, I'll post it back here, or PM you. Edit: clarity
  8. mmmending
    For many reasons, the pap smear is important to women who smoke, who started using the pill prior to age 18, who have had unprotected sex at any time, who consume more than two alcoholic drinks per day. A pap smear can also detect an STI, emergent as a health concern in women, called HPV (Human Papillomavirus). One strain of which can lead to genital warts. It is also a very prevalent virus, having many variant strains. HPV is transmissible through vaginal or anal intercourse. Apparently, "no protective effect has been associated with condom use." (See link - Sarah Giles, author - cmaj.ca). Oral sex is a low risk activity for this. HPV can, in some cases, cause what are called irregular epithelial cell formations on the cervix. This can lead to a condition called cervical dysplasia. CD can be a precancerous condition. It can also spontaneously go away. There is no screening test for men to detect HPV. This is not something to worry about, per se, but it is something to be informed about. Internet Resources: link removed link removed link removed
  9. mmmending
    Hi AL_SS I guess what I'm getting at, could you approach the psychs. for a letter to build a case of "extenuating circumstances".. I mean, the circumstances are real.. It's not being clever or anything.. you're depressed. I imagine this has had a lot to do with how things have gone for you at college (I mean that, besides the fact that college can be completely poncified at times.. but anyway).
  10. mmmending
    Hi AntiLove SuperStar, I looked through some of your old posts to see if you are in the care of a therapist, or a psychiatrist, but didn't find if this were so. I see you mentioning being depressed, and I also see you being empathetic and urging others to seek help for their depression. Why I ask, I know that universities in the UK will accept what is called an "Aegrotat" which is basically a certificate or doctor's note that states that a student is ill. It can be for physical or psychological reasons. If you feel ok having something like that on your student record, you can get what is called an Aegrotat Pass, or even a deferral to submit work. What happens often is that the uni will convene a panel who will assess if you have made "substantial completion" of your term work, and often will just grant you the pass. It is done on a case by case basis. Contact the registrar of your college to see if this is so where you attend. Depression and mental health issues are a disability. They cannot ethically, if even legally, discriminate against you for your suffering. I've seen you offer thoughtful advice to others. I hope you can offer yourself some of that same thoughtfulness in this moment. ..m.
  11. mmmending
    Hi Wanda, How difficult, W. I'm so sorry to hear this.. hmmm.. may you be safe and protected, may you live with ease. Are things with mum at a stage/comfort level where you and your son could temporarily stay with her until you got together the money for your own place? And, would you feel secure that she'd treat your son well? My sense is, that by considering your options, starting to save, reaching out to others and talking about your circumstances - that your choice to wander and find better way is perhaps a sign of you discovering the fearlessness in you to walk your true path - your own way.
  12. mmmending
    Hey Spugly, Yesss!!! I have experienced love at first sight. But love at first sight is not a guarantee to perfect love. Could that even be real? Humans grow up in conditions, patterned behaviours and carry that stuff around, often unaware of it, and as familiar conditions arise, that stuff kicks into gear. I believe that it is living a conditioned, attached love, which is the main culprit leading to the vitality in love to die. I agree. This approach seems very conditional, and controlling in a way harmful to the person doing it. I see emotional feeling, or pain as having a function much the same as physical pain. You don't deny your thumb hurts once you've whacked it with the hammer, any more than you'd try to reason that your thumb is really a nail. Indeed, what is the benefit of applying a similar strategy to painful emotional feelings? They need to be seen for what they are, rather than what we think they are in order for healing to take place.
  13. mmmending
    Hey Wanda, I remembered your story from a month or so ago, and went back to look at your early posts. What stood out for me was what you were saying about your husband's violent tendency. In your earlier posts where you talked about "Bob", you had mentioned that you had grown up in an abusive and violent home, and that with your mum, there was a lot of instability. I'm wondering, have you ever received counselling for the abuse both at the hands of your mum, and your husband? Concerning your husband's abusiveness, have you gone on the record with anybody such as a doctor, a therapist, the police? It was nice to see you sign by name. I don't think any of us is "dazed and confused by destiny". I think we get dazed and confused by circumstances which lead us to make choices that add to our suffering.
  14. mmmending
    Aporia, Beautiful sentiment. Thank you.. m.
  15. mmmending
    Possibiliti, I just reread your post, and have a question: are you describing the situation where either one member of a couple, or both people.. lose the vitality in the relationship, and see that as falling out of love, so move on? Or - a couple splits, and as a fasttrack to healing, one or both parties dismiss, or undermine the feelings they had for the ex?
  16. mmmending
    Possibiliti, I was also just wondering about the "falling out of love" part. I feel real grief with thoughts of not being on the radar in my ex' life. This is unproductive.. well, depends, lol it produces a lot of suffering for me. But it does little to help me come to terms with this change. It pushes on buttons more than create acceptance. Now, I have very little idea of how she is doing. The void created by the big silence is terrible. I believe that she would be on her own now, but cannot know for sure, but in the process of reading stuff that would help ease the pain, I saw this article about Rebound Relationships: link removed I took note of the widsom of these words: "Rebound relationships serve a purpose: To protect the heart from the devastation of losing someone very important. Like a very big cushion, they protect us from the trauma of the fall which is experienced when a deep connection is abruptly severed." Intuitively it seems like the right thing to effortlessly feel the pain (not force it, or intentionally let it stick to you), rather than mask it, or excuse it, suck it up. This way you're not left sitting on something that'll only come up later. Edit: typos, punct.
  17. mmmending
    Hey Yvette, Nasty news, sorry to hear!! I was looking at your sig. block and had this idea: you went out there to do your bit, to learn, do a job, make a contribution. But your employers? It sounds like they did let you down, that they didn't "~be what you want to find~". They wanted someone "gungho", but were unenthusiastic in giving you helpful instruction - a little "do as I say, not as I do", perhaps on their part? Doesn't sound like a place where you'd really want to work, anyway. Give it another go. Find another job, you'll do fine!
  18. mmmending
    Slightlybent, Well.. *ahem*.. ...what would I "do"? I'd probably be watching my life flash before me in my mind's eye. Having a gun held to my head, I'd be disinclined to debate or banter with someone poised at the trigger. If the gunman were the psychotic from the previous scenario, whatever I chose to say would be immaterial; consider: can truth or lie be discernable to someone whose delusional mindstates are governed in the first instance by the shortcircuitry of their brainchemistry?
  19. mmmending
    Slightlybent, Consider this: "I'm not discussing that." is an honest, truthful, and honestly compassionate reply. Honest, because it is a relatively impartial statement of reality, not intended to manipulate, or fabricate a misleading perception of the asker's reality. Truthful, because it clearly states the genuine position and relative perception of the respondent's reality. Honestly compassionate, because it authentically acknowledges both the asker - the question was answered, if even in a manner that did not shed light on the content of the question - and the respondent - compassionate in that it respects her self-preservation instinct, and demarcates a boundary to ensure her well-being.
  20. mmmending
    Beautiful question.. In my opinion, I think the best thing to avoid mid-life crisis, is NOT to avoid mid-life crisis. Secondly, I think it is very harmful to couch this time of life, however you wish to call it, in these catastrophic terms, because it creates a kind of perception of poverty of experience, when in fact, by the very living it, you gain a lot of understanding about yourself, and those around you.. it really enriches life. And thirdly, this time is a great leveller, without having to die of or from it.. not to go all "woo-woo" on you, but I see that life is life.. not "my" life, "a" life, "the" life.. in a way, well for me at least, I think I'm starting to see, that some of the suffering in life isn't so personal, or personalized.. it simply "is" and, there is something in that insight that takes the anxiety out of living, when I see that there are many people who share experience similar to mine. There is comfort in the belief that there really isn't an awful lot that truly separates us, other than the prison of what we think we know.
  21. mmmending
    This exchange between everbody here, really, has lingered with me.. I wanted to post yesterday, but thought I'd sleep on it. This resonates in me in a positively unsettling sort of way. Yes, this is a great thread!!! For me, the moment hasn't felt right to jump in and post my story, so to speak. But if I can chime in and say, I have lived more than half my life, am in my late forties now. In a funny way I still have that youthful exuberance still, I think.. less as a middle-aged teenager, I believe, than some - heh, of the many gifts to being their father, I know my teenage kids would (to use their skillful insertion of "so") sooo call me on it if I were. In spite of difficult and painful periods of life experience, I have come through it without the cynical defence I saw my father imprison himself in, while he went through this period of life - a factor, which I believe was as much a feature of his generation as anything - I don't blame him. What I can say (and when I finally take that deep breath to shed light on why I come here), I see that in my actions of the last three years in particular, I have lived in a way that has challenged, if not blown apart the personal folklore I have protected, cultivated, constructed about myself over time. I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, and have had some exhilirating insights into this, and into some recent "life lived". I'm a rebel, non-confirmist, unconventional (I am a wasp prince who is a practicing buddhist.. dunno, maybe this is a rite of passage for wasp princes)- yet still, in many ways, I see that as an "adult", I have lived in this funny construct, which has proven to be the opposite to what would make me feel happy. I accepted "love the one your with" intimacy with my stbx wife, I strove after "measureable accomplishment" and conversely turned my back on some easily achievable vanity projects, chose the moral high-ground and mistook righteousness for compassion.. blah, blah, blah - you get the picture. The language used to describe this time of life is very disparaging - mid-life crisis, middle-aged crazy, menoporsche, what have you.. and I think many do themselves real harm by buying into these characterizations. What I think is very valuable to those of us, who, in this thread and in general, are living in this time of life, is the watershed aspect of it.. really, a time to let go of those chattels, decorations of power, and the illusion of status and all of it.. it is a great time to simply "get real". I hope that some young folk do read this, in the wish that what we have posted here may give them an insight into the humanity of their parents. I'll get off my soapbox now. Thank you, lostandadrift, for the openness and honesty in putting this one on the table.
  22. mmmending
    Whether "friction sex", was involved or not, your partner and her friend were creating some kind of special intimate atmosphere for themselves.. this to me is sort of at the heart of making love. ...not behind your back... ...your partner prefers to do it behind closed doors. Based on what you've posted, not hearing much in the way of remorse or atonement from the partner. If it were me, I'd be inclined to trust my instincts on this one.
  23. mmmending
    Years ago, I worked for a big corporation, and it amused me to no end to catch an occasional glimpse of a copy of The Art of War by Sun Tsu, as some colleague fetched something from his (yes, uniformly "his".. a guy thing) briefcase. (ahem.. yes, in a moment's weakness, falling prey to the same illusions as my fellow cubicle warmers, I bought a copy). So, in the words of the great general, consider this: "He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight." In other words, let it go.. nobody ever remembers what you did not do, nobody ever remembers what you did not say.
  24. mmmending
    Hi Haunted in Florida, This might seem like an incongruous thing to say in light of the suffering and heartache which has been visited upon you in spades; but, Happy Mother's Day! What does this mean? I would like to acknowledge you. In spite of your own suffering, you kept it together for your children, and in a way, finding refuge in motherhood, yes, was an act of compassion to your children, but it was also, I believe, a great act of compassion for yourself. You see, in these moments of suffering you turned to something that came naturally to you, and this is a very validating act which is at the very root of the idea of "refuge". You might be thinking, "well, they are my kids, what do you expect me to do??!!", and indeed, yes.. but again, one need only switch on the tv, or read the paper to see that there are many who would completely lose themselves in even one of the several horrible experiences you have come through. This is in no way a judgement of those who would be broken by such life experience, but it is certainly a testament to the strength which clearly lives inside of you! I read a lot of buddhist material, I don't know if you are open to this, but there is a book by a buddhist nun called Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart : Heart Advice for Difficult Times. If you choose to read it, and if you are unfamiliar with buddhist terminology, don't worry about that (there actually is only the occasional reference), as it is very readable, and the kindness and common sense contained here comes through loud and clear. Please go easy on yourself.. m.
  25. mmmending
    i'm spending time with the notion of forgiveness, too.. of self, others many of us are very gung-ho about the idea of forgiveness - until we find ourselves faced with something we actually need to forgive somebody for.. this is where it gets sticky.. i know this is true for me i see forgiveness as a process of healing; in my experience, it's not something i can decide to do, then put out of my head.. i see that it takes practice at times, the best i can do is merely to set the intention to forgive somebody.. and when i find myself in that funnel of anger about someone, or some old hurt, i remind myself of my intention.. it's hard to do, and at times feels ingenuine, but again the hurt and anger are also real, and those feelings need time to work themselves out.. i think this helps to cultivate a sense of acceptance all around with time and a little compassion for myself and other, the forgiveness seems to come.. with time, the spiralled thinking seems to fade away what i think i'm seeing by setting the intention to forgive somebody, well, it's somewhat like choosing to have NC with an ex.. while it innately comes with that disquieting feeling of being unresolved, it does give me the space to see how i'm really feeling about someone, something and not least of all, myself.. until i really see what and how something is so upsetting to me.. until i truly see what it is that i wish to forgive, how could i expect myself to forgive anybody or anything? as for the forgetting part? .. i think that if someone is truly forgiven, "needing" to forget loses its importance
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