lostandadrift

I don't understand how some people can "decide" to pursue a relationship or "let it go". I personally cannot tell my heart what to do. It's caused me some trouble recently if you read my other threads, but there was no "deciding" involved. My advice is to follow your heart but keep your eyes open. He may mean what he says and there is no chance at a relationship, but then again....

Hi Momene, We've spoken before, you helped me last May. Let me know if this strikes a chord... When my son was born, I completely lost focus on myself, who I was, what I wanted, what I needed, and it became all about HIM. I lost myself in him. It was all about him and what HE was, needed, wanted. It became moreso with the birth of my girls. My sole function was to raise them, feed them, care for them, make them happy. They don't often say thank you, and I don't expect it. But now I'm looking at them readying to leave, to pursue who they are and what they want and suddenly I am left with myself... who is that? I haven't thought about myself for 16 years. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore, it hasn't been important for so long. And so I feel I've disappeared and am desperately trying to rediscover the individual I once was before I sacrificed every personal goal, wish, and desire I once had.

First to Hazy Amber, I AM an awesome mom, an have been for 16 years. I am so there for them emotionally. I can and do talk to the 2 oldest about anything. Last night my youngest referred to me as " my best friend, Mom". What could be more rewarding than that, you ask? I'm going to have to find out, because my first will be off to college in two years, my second in three. It's been fufilling, up until now, but that part of my life is coming to a close and there has to be more. I've seen the women who define themselves through motherhood, it's most of my neighbors, and frankly it scares me. I don't want to be them. TODAY, for me, if you were to go back on the calendar 10 years ago , would be identical to that day. Same house, same neighbors, same job, same chores. THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL. I can't live like that. What's next, death? To Scout, I really appreciate this exchange, it's really helping. We tried counselling, together, and separate. We weren't happy with the counselours. They were well intentioned, but I feel didn't really understand us, what happened, the dynamic of our relationship, and frankly it's difficult to find a couple hours out of our busy lives to get over to the counselours without the kids every week. I think it was somewhat damaging to the kids to constantly hear week after week their parents were off to counselling. An aspect of what happened with Peder that's been dismissed, but I feel is valid, is that there was a strong mother/child bond between us as well. I considered myself his sole caretaker here and dedicated myself to helping him and making sure he was happy. He was dependent on me. To lose him was devastating - IS devastating. I haven't gotten over it. When I read about the emotions parents who have lost children go through, it describes what I am feeling. But everyone wants to neatly label it an " emotional affair" and call it a day without thinking about it further. I wonder if John had embraced the exchange student experience as much as I did, from the start, if any of this would have happened. I KNOW I began overcompensating right away because of the clear lack of enthusiasm from John. In my heart I still blame him and its getting in the way.

Oh, that's easy. John is extremely intelligent and possibly even funnier than he is entertaining. I'm sure a lot of people take that with a grain of salt, but he could hold his own against any stand-up. I've been listening to him for 24 years and he still makes me laugh. We just got a call last week from a guy John had called by accident, a wrong number, and John left a very funny message on his machine. The guy called back just to say it was the funniest thing he ever heard. John is never boring, adventurous, ambitious but equally playful. Always the center of attention, always the life of the party. He's a leader, a real Leo.He can, and does, fix or improve anything around the house. He cooks. He loves to do things with me and considers me his best friend ( we always were). He's supportive of my ideas. He's thoughtful towards me. He has a great capacity for analysis and could be at the top of any field. He's tall, handsome, and youthful looking. He got proofed this summer in broad daylight even though he's 44. There is no other man out there who could make me as happy as he has. I do fear making him angry, he gets very dark. He's somewhat controlling and does not handle people going against his will well, such as my teenage son will do. I find his punishments are done more out of anger for being disobeyed than out of concern for our son's well-being.

Scout, Thank you, your thoughts helped. I AM feeling more action oriented finally, after a year of feeling sad, passive, and hurt. There was so much satisfaction in getting Peder settled in the community, in the country, I know I was on the right course for myself initially. I contacted the local university to try and be a sort of "welcome wagon" for the many international staff they employ. I thought there might be a way I could help families new to the country and community who probably speak english as a second language get established here. So I am moving forward. I am though, seeing the people around me in a new light. I see a lot of selfishness and lack of caring for others. An inability to see things beyond the boundaries of what it means to their own little world. I think I need to distance myself from the warped values of my mother, and to become again the independent person I was before I let my husband start taking care (controlling?) of me, and to somehow bring more positive people into my life. I started today with," What am I going to do today to start improving my life?" Writing here was my first step. It so often helps just to write things out and get someone's opinion.

I am coming out of a year long crisis involving an emotional affair (see previous posts) and am looking at the people around me very differently now. For so long the people around me made me feel guilty and damaged for feelings I had, (my husband stressed "damaged" for a long time), but express a willingness to forgive me if I repent and go back to my "normal" life. My mother has only talked to me by screaming and hitting me and calling me names, which I cannot forgive her for as I think that is a decidedly "unmotherlike" response to finding out your daughter is in crisis. She spent hours trying to talk my husband into believing the affair was physical, laughing and joking about it intermittently, discussing how he should leave me with nothing. I am her only child, I could be described as a type A high achiever, and never had any major conflicts with her before. I tried to communicate with her about her reaction but she never responded and chooses to pretend it never happened. I now see her as an angry, bitter, hateful person who takes joy in seeing others fail as it makes her feel better about herself. My husband is different. He seems to love me and to have forgiven me, but refuses to take any responsibility for any failings in our relationship. He seems more concerned about our marriage than me. He seems to possess me more than love me. Sometimes he hugs me so tightly in bed it's like sleeping with a straightjacket on and I have to loosen his arm because it gets too close to my neck. I could never discuss my lasting feelings about the emotional affair with him as it would cause him to rage and call me damaged. I tried it once. Our relationship has suffered because I can't share my feelings with him. I try to get over it on my own, in my own way, and do a lot of play acting to keep him happy. He knows I'm not really present. I'm also disappointed in finding friends. I have one good caring friend I can share with, but she has many family responsibilities which come first. It's the curse of being a woman of 40 in Suburbia - family first, friends a distant last, but I understand. I'm trying to make friends but it's very hard because everyone is so busy with their families. I just so want to reach out and touch someone, to make a difference, to connect, and yet I feel like I'm on an Island alone. I also find myself back burning my needs because of the needs of my 3 kids. I drive my kids to swimming, to piano, to friends, smile politely to the people I know along the way but I feel so alone. So meaningless.I'd go teach English in Guatemala to make a difference, but I can't because of my family. Am I expecting to much? Being too passive? How should I take action? This is not a life I'm leading, just passing time.

I am so sorry for your pain. I can't help you feel any better today, but I can tell you I really understand the sadness as I have felt the same sadness for about 7 months. It slowly gets better, but not fast enough. " Even when your hope is gone, move along, move along." That song speaks to me because I feel that is all I've been doing. So, move along. Take part in activities just for the sake of taking part in them, even though you they bring you no joy at first. Just the distraction is worth something. And let yourself forget, that's important. I didn't let myself forget, I kept the happy moments fresh in my mind which just made the letting go process longer and more painful. And keep writing here, it helps.

It hurts so much and it feels like you will never feel happy again. I can relate to your entire post, I'm just getting thru the same thing myself. After 7 months, I'm finally getting over it. Time, and sharing with a good friend who listens and can give you some empathy, are really the only things that can help. Don't forget to love yourself though, you will find a lot of strength in that.

I'm a 41 year old woman and have recently gone thru (am going thru) a similar problem with my 17 year marriage. We were also "attached at the hip" and have relied on eachother to met ALL of the other persons needs. It worked great for a while, but about 6 years ago I began to lose my desire. I think it is important not to lose a sense of self in a relationship. I didn't know who "I" was, there was only "us". I think it became all too familiar. We were no longer individuals. This led to resentment on my husbands part, and anger, and that only made the problem worse. Desire, for women, is much more psycological than physical. Look closely at your relationship. If you are her "other half" you may be TOO close. Create some distance, create some separate interests, be individuals again. Be that separate, interesting person she fell for to begin with.

I was the PICTURE of together until this happened! But it will have been good for me in the end. Open up more possibilities for me. I think it was necessary and time for me to have an attitude adjustment. My husband is showing some surprising openess to changing with me. He's been reading some of the books I've been reading on the subject, when before they would have been scorned. I even hesitantly mentioned a 3 day class I wanted to attend this weekend, anticipating he would react negatively and he was instantly and genuinely positive about it. These little steps forward give me so much hope.

this thread has helped me MUCH more than my dozen or more counseling sessions. I really appreciate everyone's input. A good book about this, kind of more for women than men, is A Year by the Sea by Joan Anderson. I have to say, now that I feel like I'm coming out on the other side of the initial torture of my situation, that it IS enlightening. I feel like quite a different person, and in a good way. I DON'T have all the answers I see, and I'm feeling much more curious and open-minded. I too, in a bizarre way, am kind of enjoying it.

Well, I can say I'm certainly not the least bit judgemental anymore! I'm cured!! I got taken down by falling in love with a 17 year old, who am I to judge anyone else? Walk a mile in their shoes..., right? Please don't be ashamed of yourself. ( I'm actually not, and I probably should be) It's nice to look at things with a fresh perspective, right? The old one gets so boring after years and years....

I like you, Dako! It's EXACTLY like being a teenager again, except with a touch more desperation and a touch less optimism and enthusiasm. It's scarier because time is shorter and you need to get it right!

Momene, Tell me about your mid-life crisis. I'm classically 41 and it hit me, but I see I'm really not alone. I followed the rule book for a happy life my whole life: obedient child, great student, college, married, 3 kids and whoa!! Here I am on the other side and suddenly my rule book ended!! There has always been some societally correct activity I should be doing, that I did, at every stage of my life and for the VERY FIRST TIME, I'm faced with now having to decide what it is I WANT TO DO. That's never really been a question or a possibility until now. I think maybe I had some sort of vague idea in my twenties, but putting yourself behind the needs of others for so long you forget who you are. Or maybe I never had real goals. I think Michealangelo said," The danger is not setting your goals too high and failing to reach them, the danger is stting your goals too low and achieving them." I think maybe that's what I did and why I find myself so lost now.

To dopexile - you are exactly right. My husband seemed jealous IMMEDIATELY, like he had a competitor from the very first day. A horrible way to start. And Peder did displace him in many ways. To Momene - I am very close to the kids, and that has a lot to do with the situation I find myself in now. When my husband began being very strict and rigid and even bordering emotionally abusive to my son about when he hit puberty ( why is my husband so easily threatened?), he in a way forced me to choose between him and my son. I chose my son. I couldn't stand by and watch him treated so poorly, not when he and his sisters have been my primary focus. My husband sort of attacked what had been my life project and it really alienated him from me. My kids definitely compensated for the emotional loss of my husband. All this said, my husband and I have really been working hard at putting our marriage back together and it seems to be paying off. He still has the qualities I fell in love with initially and I think we still can compliment eachother nicely. There was a lot of external stress in our lives for the past 4 years which is now gone, giving us the ability to refocus on the marriage which was clearly backburnered. I have also come to the realization that it is my CHOICE to leave or stay in the marriage, I'm not being forced to stay. It feels less oppressive when you look at it like that. Mostly I really need to rediscover myself as an individual. It's seems every woman my age that I know is just now waking up and realizing they have given themselves entirely up to their children and marriage, and they don't even know who they are or what they want anymore. It's a scary feeling.